The Letter

I found a letter.

It began with fond memories derived from her childhood dreams of marrying the man God had chosen especially for her. While hopeful that I was about to read a wonderful love story, it suddenly took a very dark turn. After the first paragraph, I realized it had been written by a very distraught, very broken woman. It felt as if I were intruding and yet, being made privy to the private, deep pain of a woman trapped in an abusive relationship, I felt a connection with her. I felt sorry for her. Who was she? Did she truly feel this man was God’s best for her? She had said as much in the first few words. But how? How could she possibly have felt that way? The actions of this man she described clearly portrayed that he did not love her.

As I continued reading her lament, my heart was broken. Here was a woman so clearly in love with a man who could, at any moment, cast her aside without a second thought! As if she were nothing more than an obstacle to his happiness and yet, she was willing to forgive him. I sensed her struggle and confusion as she had also written, several times over, she would let him go, if that is what he truly wanted. Even after 33 years of marriage, she was willing to let him go just to make his life easier.  I could feel her agony as she begged him to love her again…if he ever did in the first place. I wanted to wrap my arms around her to somehow bring comfort to a heart that was clearly crushed. What kind of relationship was this? It clearly was not one of mutual love and respect.

I cringed as I read her repeated apologies to him for the natural changes that had occurred in her body as she aged, none of which can be controlled. Then for her to volunteer to move into another room in their house just so he doesn’t have to feel uncomfortable when he looks at her? Really? What kind of monster is he? Did he really think she didn’t know how he truly felt? She told of feeling his eyes perusing her body as if he were hoping to find something to judge her for.

The letter went on to list her suspicions of his questionable behavior and the stories and excuses that didn’t make sense. The words told of her daily struggle to be everything he desired only to fall short of his ideal every.single.time. She had exhausted every attempt to gain his attention. She told of choosing to knowingly nag him over little things just so he’d acknowledge her existence and engage her in conversation…even if it was negative. What more could she do? Should she do?

I wanted to tell her to leave this abusive, controlling man, and run as fast as she could in the opposite direction. But could she? Did she have a safe place she could run? Could she survive on her own? Would anyone help her? Worse yet, would this man even notice if she were gone? Would he even care?

This letter was clearly a desperate cry for help. Did he hear her? Who else could she turn to if not the man she had committed her life to? How could she tell anyone else of her suspicions? Could she even prove them? Did she need to? Perhaps she could go to her pastor? Or a trusted friend? Maybe she could find help through one of them. Yet, if she truly felt she could, wouldn’t she have done so already?

WHY don’t you see her? You clearly do not know what a rare treasure she is!

Oh, Lord Jesus! Please deliver this woman who is so desperate to be loved and validated that she’s willing to stay with this narcissistic man, for the mere crumbs he’s willing to throw at her feet now and then!

Then the questions…oh, the unanswered questions that tormented her mind. I could sense her resolve to want answers and yet, at the same time, her fear to actually know them.

She told of patiently waiting in anticipation for him to come home from work each night, only to hear his cold and empty excuses for why he was late…again. I could feel her deep disappointment as she wrote of the few times she’d asked him to sit up with her to talk before going to bed…and the only answer received was his deep sigh of frustration and angst for her having the audacity to even make such a suggestion.

I am sure she’s felt all these things before now. She’s had to. Hasn’t she? How could she live like this? I imagine she constantly wondered where he was, who he was with, or what excuse he’d come up with next.

Has she ever confronted him face to face? Perhaps she was afraid. Perhaps she’s been down that path before. Did she ever tell anyone how he treated her? Could she? Or was she too ashamed? Did she put on a happy face in the morning before she went out to face the world each day?

This letter broke my heart. This woman was trapped with no answers to her questions. I’m sure she had many more but perhaps she’d asked them all before. Would they have made a difference anyway? Would she have received truthful answers? Somehow I seriously doubt it. Her words were ones of surrender but I could feel a quiet strength beneath it all. This letter seemed to be her last attempt to reach out to this man she loved before giving up completely. She clearly stated that she could no longer be his doormat nor could she bear his constant unspoken judgement.

You may be surprised to learn that I know this woman. In fact, I am very close to her. I know her heart very intimately. I know how many times she’s fallen on her face before Almighty God and lifted this cruel man to the throne room. I know what she feels. I know where she’s broken. I know how hard she tried to be the perfect, subservient wife this controlling man desired. I also know what a completely impossible goal she knew it was and yet, she never gave up on it even knowing she would never, could never, attain it.

I know the pain that ripped her heart out when she saw the lust in his eyes as he stared at skinny women walking down the streets of the small town they lived in while stationed in the Far East. I also know that’s when she resolved in her heart to do whatever it took to get him to look at her that way.

I know how many hours of aerobics she did to lose the weight after the birth of their son, just to get down to an “acceptable” size. I also know that to this day, she suffers from arthritis and joint pain due to the constant strain on her body.

I know how many times she ate carrots and cucumbers because if she gained even a pound, he’d notice. I know she feared he would stop paying attention to her. I also know if, in a weak moment, she dared eat a candy bar, she hid the wrapper inside a soda can before throwing it in the trash. If not, his incessant comments would ensue.

I know how she patiently and gently took care of him after he had gastric-bypass surgery and how she helped him through the first few weeks of this drastic lifestyle change. I also know the nights she laid awake, listening to him breathe, and praying over him for healing and restoration.

I know the day he was diagnosed Hepatitis C and his doctor essentially told him to go home and prepare for death. I know how she challenged his doctor and refused to give up hope. I know how she researched for alternative treatments and took care of him until a new drug was introduced to fight it. I also know how she stayed by his side, rubbed his head, and encouraged him when the new treatment caused such excruciating headaches, all he could do was sit and cry.

I know the countless times she sat by his side in hospital rooms, the many hours she spent praying for God to heal him, and the night he was so miraculously healed of a bowel obstruction, it astounded the doctor! I know the middle-of-the-night trips to the ER with him spiting up blood or writhing in pain. I also know she never left his side and she prayed over him constantly. She was always there.

I know how many times she’d cuddle up next to him at night only to feel him recoil at her touch. I also know how many times she cried herself to sleep with feelings of rejection tormenting her heart.

I know how she looked forward to him arriving back home after being separated for many months due to his job travel. I also know the sharp pain that gripped her heart when the only greeting she received from him was, “looks like you gained five pant sizes since I’ve been gone!”

I know how his cruel and demeaning words ate away at her self-esteem little by little. I also know she still struggles with feelings of inadequacy as well as feeling unworthy of love due to his verbal attacks on her self-image.

I know the revelation she had one night when she realized they were “unequally yoked” and the chill she felt envelope her. I also know the vow she’d made to him many years before was a covenant she could not, would not break.

You may have already guessed by now that this woman is me.

I am the author of the letter I found.

I am the one who penned these words in desperation to save my marriage to the only man I’ve ever loved.

(Warning: the following paragraph contains some pictures that may be considered graphic to some.)

I have learned so much about myself over the past few years. One of my biggest realizations is that I am capable of making decisions I didn’t know I was capable of making until I felt my entire world slipping away and could do nothing to stop it.

I was completely desperate for my ex to pay attention to me. I was desperate for him to just love me. For being me. I didn’t understand why everything was so hard. Even something as simple as going for a walk took so much effort. It’s like he had to force himself to spend time with me. He didn’t talk to me much. He was distant and cold. It was like he woke up one morning and decided he didn’t want to share his life with me anymore. He had checked out emotionally and mentally.

In my desperation to “win his heart back”, I made a feeble attempt to sculpt my body into that of something resembling a porn-star, which seemed necessary to compete for his attention. I scheduled a very dangerous liposuction procedure. I was told it was less invasive and recovery time would be minimal. My ex took the day off from work to be with me at the clinic and to drive me home after it was over. Oh, he took the day off and drove me to the clinic but conveniently left out part of his plan.

He walked me in and asked the nurse how long the procedure would take. After receiving the answer, he turned to me, kissed me on top of my head, and said, “I’ll be back to get you later.”

He. Dropped. Me. Off. And. Walked. Out. The. Door!

He said something about not wanting to waste his day off sitting in a doctor’s office because he had yard work to do.

I don’t even know how to describe the myriad of emotions that surged through my brain and body as I watched him get in his truck and drive away. He left me alone…abandoned and alone. He did not care what happened to me. Have you ever felt that grass and flowers were more important than you?

I went through with the procedure anyway. It was the most horrific experience of my life. I’ve experienced natural childbirth three times without one drop of pain medication and that was a picnic compared to this!

I vaguely remember him coming back for me. I remember him helping me into the car and driving me home. He sat me in a chair in the living room, gave me my pain meds, a glass of water, and left me alone…again.

For the first few days, it was really difficult to care for my wounds alone. One night before bed, I asked him to help me. He did it, very reluctantly. It was as if he didn’t want to touch me. His contempt for having to take care of me was very clear. I could see it in his eyes and sense it in his body language. This realization made my heart feel as raw and bleeding as the wounds I’d just inflicted on my body. I have to admit there were times during my recovery period I asked Jesus to let me die. I didn’t want to live in a world where he didn’t love me or want to be with me. He was my whole life.

As I sit here and reflect on that memory, I have tears in my eyes and a shakiness in my heart. I’m remembering all the times I sat in hospital waiting areas and prayed for him during the many surgeries he had over the years…all the times I kept vigil over him for days on end as he recovered…all the times I dropped anything I was in the middle of doing and ran to him when he called. While those memories still sting, it is blatantly clear that everything in our marriage was about him, his needs, and his desires. I felt I had no other choice but to accommodate this lying, narcissistic man by walking on eggshells so as not to upset him.

And that I did.

There were times I felt I had no right to even question him about his actions. Although those words were never verbalized, they were clearly implied. He made me feel he was entitled to do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, with whoever he wanted and I had no right to ask about it. But, if I had the audacity to ask him anything that had to do with his job, his whereabouts, or even what I smelled on his clothes, he’d become very defensive and, sometimes, even get angry. I’ll never forget the time he became incensed when I picked up his cell phone to hand it to him because someone had sent him a text message. I never touched his phone again after that. And you know what, I should have! His rage should have been a huge red flag that he was hiding something and, deep in my heart, I knew he was. And, yet, I let it go. Again. Just as I had done a hundred times before.

When I wrote the letter, I was a naïve, abused, broken, fragile shell of a woman and I had absolutely no clue I was such! He told me, “things change. People change. Marriages change.” I truly thought that surely all married couples go through things like this once, maybe even twice, during their marriage. He knew I believed everything he told me so he took great advantage of that. I was manipulated to the nth degree.

I was married to him another year after the writing of the letter. Nothing changed because of his reading it either. He just carried on as before and I was left to wonder with no answers. The only thing I knew to do was keep praying. Little did I know, God had been at work in the unknown for a very long time and was about to reveal his sin.

I believe the Holy Spirit led me to the letter. I thought it strange to be saved in my Christmas folder of all places but there it was and I felt compelled to open it. At first, I was hesitant to read what was written. I thought it might be a set back or would trigger feelings that would negate my healing thus far but it proved to be the exact opposite.

First, the letter has shown me, I was exactly right about being suspicions of his questionable behavior and his constant lies.

Second, it has shown me how far God has brought me these past two+ years and third, more so than ever before, I know God rescued me from him. There have been so many times I’ve questioned whether I tried hard enough or even prayed diligently enough about my marriage and now, I know I did.

And so does God.

I don’t claim to be perfect, by any stretch, and I know that I made many mistakes during the 35 years we were married but I know I did my best to be a good wife to him. I always put him first and never made any decision without considering how it would affect him. I just could not achieve the impossible goals he set for me. He wanted me to be a perfect size 2 and be a puppet on a string. He wanted to be obeyed without question. He wanted me to keep my thoughts and opinions to myself. He didn’t want me to have a voice about anything. And I didn’t. For a very long time. But when I found it and started challenging him on different things, he completely rejected me. He didn’t want me for his wife and life partner. He chose me to bear his children and be his servant. When I stopped being his doormat, he started pursuing another who would. They’re still together.

My goal in sharing the letter with you wasn’t to make you feel sorry for me. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. While everything I’ve shared is the horrible, painful, gut wrenching truth, I shared it to assure you there is healing beyond the abuse. Beyond the manipulation. Beyond the struggle of being controlled by an evil person.

Oh, my dear, sweet friend, I have been where you are! I have felt the deep pain of betrayal, rejection, manipulation, and being used for someone else’s gain. It’s the deepest grief I have ever experienced in my life! I tried for years to be all he wanted me to be. I tried so hard to make him love me. I even went as far as trying to surgically alter the body God created me with. It was all for naught. It is an impossibility to make someone love you.

Looking back now, the life I lived with my former spouse feels like a bad dream. With every ounce of my being, I believe he was talked in to marrying me by his father. His dad saw an opportunity to get his son back in church, to acquire the children he desired, and for him to possibly produce an heir so he made sure he knew about me. I was a member of the church he pastored, was a “good girl”, young, naive, very trusting, and easily persuaded to do whatever I was told. My ex was 28, an only son, had no prospects in his life as potential wives, was on the run from God, and wanted to have kids sooner than later. Beside the fact I was not his type and he did not love me, he pursued me anyway. And I was none the wiser. To this day, he holds the trophy for being the best liar I have ever known.

While I experienced a lot of abuse and sadness in my union with him, I can honestly say the very best that came from it are my kids. They are the greatest blessings in my life and I am so thankful for the heritage God gave me. I am blessed beyond measure to be their mom.

As a young girl of 19, I could not have foreseen what would happen 35 years into my future but I know Someone who did.

On the day I made my vows, God knew my marriage would end the way it did. So, if He knew it, why did He allow me to marry such a horrible person? Even knowing my heart was on track to be crushed like never before, He allowed me to make my own choice because God created all of us with a free will to choose.

At that time in my life, I truly believed I was marrying the one God had chosen for me. I truly believed I was completely in tune with the Spirit and knew His will for my life. Even though sometimes it feels as if I made a huge mistake marrying him, I also know that my ex made his own choices along the way. Perhaps God did plan for us to be together until death parted us but he made his own life choices and will answer to God one day for them. As we all will.

While I know God does not change, the way I see Him does. This season has shown me a side to my Father that I hadn’t experienced until now. He has shown me that even in pain, He is there. Even in loss, He is there. Even in betrayal and rejection, He is there. Even when I feel I cannot take another step, He is there. Even when I make the wrong choice, He is there. And even when I cannot feel Him, He is there. 

And He is there for you, too!

He knows what you’ve been through. He knows what has broken your heart. He knows who has abused you. He knows who has betrayed and rejected you. He knows the grief your heart holds.

He knows it all.

Now, more than ever before, I have come to know how very much God loves me not only because I have experienced His love so tangibly but because He tells me so in a letter.

A letter written by the hand of God Himself. A letter for the desperate and broken. For the lost and lonely. For the grief and pain stricken. For the betrayed and rejected. For the hurting and confused.

God wrote this beautiful letter as a reminder of His sacrificial, unrelenting, unwavering, unconditional, everlasting love! It’s His love letter to all of us in the form of His precious word.

While my former spouse’s father talked his son into marrying me, my Heavenly Father didn’t have to talk His Son into anything.

Jesus willingly set aside His crown and left His Father in heaven to come to this earth with one goal on His mind. Jesus chose to lay down His life as our sacrifice so we could have a personal relationship with His Father. Jesus was our love Gift from God Himself. His gift to you and me!

It is so freeing to know I don’t ever have to beg God to love me. I don’t ever have to wonder if He has my best interest at heart. I don’t ever have to worry about catching Him in a lie because He is Truth! I know He will never leave me or forsake me. He will never betray me or reject me. I am His beloved! I am His child and no one or no thing can ever take me out of His hand. He accepts me whether I’m skinny or fat, angry or calm, happy or sad, having a good day or a bad one, complaining or praising. He.just.loves.me.

Oh, there are still times when the doubts come or the enemy tells me God can’t possibly love someone like me or my best years are behind me. But when that happens, all I have to do is open the love letter from Jesus and His reassurance washes over me.

“O Lord, You have searched me [thoroughly] and have known me.
You know when I sit down and when I rise up [my entire life, everything I do];
You understand my thought from afar.
You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And You are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
Even before there is a word on my tongue [still unspoken],
Behold, O Lord, You know it all.
You have enclosed me behind and before,
And [You have] placed Your hand upon me.
Such [infinite] knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high [above me], I cannot reach it.

Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol (the nether world, the place of the dead), behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will take hold of me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will cover me,
And the night will be the only light around me,”
Even the darkness is not dark to You and conceals nothing from You,
But the night shines as bright as the day;
Darkness and light are alike to You.

For You formed my innermost parts;
You knit me [together] in my mother’s womb.
I will give thanks and praise to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was being formed in secret,
And intricately and skillfully formed [as if embroidered with many colors] in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were appointed for me,
When as yet there was not one of them [even taking shape].

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I could count them, they would outnumber the sand.
When I awake, I am still with You.”

~ Psalm 139:1-18 AMP

All of those promises in just a few verses in one chapter of this beautiful love letter! His precious word is filled with affirmation such as this!

It’s a love you cannot fathom and is unlike any other!

A love that never ends. A love that never disappoints. A love that never betrays. A love that never rejects. A love that never demands its own way.

All written down in one precious book for us to read over and over again.

Yes, I found a letter that brought with it reminders of pain, rejection, and abuse.

But I have another letter that brings with it redemption, healing, and love.

Which one would you choose to keep?

I chose the latter…

The Letter!