Author name: Jennifer

Waiting – Here is Where He Keeps Me

Leave a Comment / Healing, Memoir, Restoration / /

Waiting is not the same as being stuck. It is the space between what has been laid down and what has not yet been given—between the wound and the healing, the breaking and the rebuilding—where waiting becomes its own kind of work. By this time, God had already begun uncovering things hidden for years—truths that changed the way I understood everything that came before. Waiting was where I had to learn how to live with that truth
 to sit with the shock of it, the weight of it, and the slow unfolding of what it had meant all along. And I began to understand that God wasn’t keeping me there to hold me back— He was keeping me. Holding me steady when I felt like I might unravel. Preserving what was fragile. Teaching me how to live in a place I didn’t choose, but wasn’t meant to rush through. And it was in that place—held, but still hurting—that the weight of what I was beginning to understand settled even deeper. During counseling, pieces of my marriage had slowly begun rearranging themselves in my mind. Moments I once dismissed or explained away no longer felt isolated. A pattern was beginning to emerge—one I had never fully seen while I was living inside it. The realization that he had always seen me as a child was devastating. But for the first time, it made sense. And that clarity didn’t bring immediate relief. It brought a deeper kind of ache. Because the hardest part wasn’t just seeing it—it was sitting with it. Reliving, in my mind, the moments I had felt dismissed
 the quiet ways I had been made to feel small
 the times I questioned myself without knowing why. Trying to carry the weight of that truth was overwhelming. I took it to bed with me every night and woke with it every morning. Each day, I wrestled with the knowledge that I had been married to someone I did not fully know—even though I had believed for years that I did. The man I thought I knew and the man he truly was were not the same. I slowly began to realize how much of our marriage had existed within the version of himself he chose to let me see. The realization was disorienting—grieving not only the loss of the marriage itself, but the life I thought I had been living inside. ────────── ❧ ────────── Eight years have passed since the life I knew ended—eight years of learning to stand again, of remembering how to breathe, of discovering who I am without someone else defining me. And still, there are moments that catch me off guard— a song, a memory, a quiet evening that reminds me of what once was, of what I survived, of what God carried me through. Sometimes the tears still come. Not because I am broken—but because I am human. And because pain, even when healed, remembers. I am not where I was. But I am not yet where God is taking me. I am here—still walking, still waiting, trusting Him a little deeper than yesterday. This is where I’ve learned that faith isn’t just believing God when He moves—it’s choosing Him when He seems silent. It’s where hope grows roots—slowly, unseen, but steady. It’s where God keeps me. He steadies me when I want answers. He holds me when I want resolution. He reminds me that His silence is not absence—but invitation. There are days I wonder if the truest redemption I will ever taste will be the one that greets me when I finally go Home. This world is not my home, and sometimes my soul feels its distance. When people ask how I am, I usually say, “I’m okay.” Not because I’m pretending—but because okay is honest. I’m not broken anymore—but I’m not carefree either. I’m not bubbly or bright or “over it.” I am okay. I am steady. I am grounded. I am held. I am joyful in the Lord. Content in His leading. Grateful for His provision. But happiness—the light, effortless kind—hasn’t fully returned. And now I understand why. Deep pain leaves its imprint. Trauma reshapes the way the heart and mind learn safety, joy, and rest. I am not the same woman I was before—not hardened, but changed. More careful about what I allow close to my heart. More aware of what is sincere
 and what is self-serving. I have learned that it’s okay to have boundaries—to choose who has access to my heart and who does not. Some of those decisions have been difficult, but they have been necessary. Protecting my heart is not wrong. It is wisdom. And maybe that is part of why happiness feels different now. Happiness may come and go. But joy remains. Happiness rises and falls with circumstances—but joy is steadier, deeper—rooted in the quiet assurance of God’s presence. Once, I was told happiness was the goal—as if contentment could be found by chasing what feels good in the moment. But I’ve learned that kind of pursuit never satisfies.  “I have seen everything that is done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and a striving after wind.” – Ecclesiastes 1:14 ESV Joy doesn’t demand escape. It stays. So, for now, I sit with Jesus in the quiet—in my beautiful home, in this peaceful and blessed life, in a heart that still remembers what hurt feels like. And I wait. Because this is where He keeps me. Not forgotten. Not abandoned. Just here—with Him. ────────── ❧ ────────── Years into living on my own, God still reminds me that I am seen and cared for in quiet ways. One evening after a counseling session, I stopped at the grocery store knowing I needed both food and gas—and I didn’t know how I was going to make what I had in my checking account stretch. I counted what I had, made careful choices, and trusted Him with the rest. I usually treat myself to Starbucks

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Hidden Chapters Interview

Leave a Comment / Healing, Memories, Surrender / /

No matter how many times I see God do amazing things in my life, I’m in awe of Him every single time. I don’t believe in coincidences; I believe God is in control of everything that touches my life. Everything is by His design. When my book, Shattered Surrender, was first published on Amazon, I shared a launch post on my subdivision’s Facebook page—just a simple way to let my neighbors know about it. To my surprise, one of my neighbors reached out in a private message and asked if I’d be interested in being a guest on her podcast. At first, I was hesitant. It’s one thing to write my story, but to speak it out loud on a public platform felt overwhelming. After praying about it for a few days, I responded to Genevieve’s message and accepted her invitation. On October 1, Genevieve, host of the Hidden Chapters podcast, interviewed me about my journey and the heart behind Shattered Surrender. It was such a wonderful experience—much easier than I expected—and the conversation flowed naturally. Genevieve asked thoughtful questions that opened the door for me to share parts of my story that didn’t make it into the book. Each time I share my story, I’m reminded that God wastes nothing—not even the most painful chapters of our lives. My hope is that this interview will remind you that healing is possible, restoration is real, and peace can be found only in Him. https://reflectinghisheartministries.com/shattered-surrender-my-journey-with-jesus-through-the-wilderness/

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The Sculptor

2 Comments / Healing, Hope, Restoration / /

Here’s another writing by my son. God has been at work in his heart and inspiring him to put pen to paper to share the healing taking place within him. I pray the following words will encourage you on your own journey with Jesus. ~ The Sculptor ~ There is a famous sculptor in our world, but He does not make statues out of marble, clay, or stone. No, He is a special kind of artist, one who can create the most magnificently beautiful things that you can ever lay your eyes on. In your mind, picture a Man who is of average height, but strong and sure of Himself and the quality of His work. He can craft the most awe-inspiring things in the world; the mountains, the seas, the sky in all its wondrous beauty, flitting with countless stars, which He also made. All of these things and more, He has created innumerable quantities of them, displaying His infinite creativity and power. However, these are not His most impressive work. You see the Man, in a workshop of sorts, molding away at a large block of clay. In a matter of moments, you see Him shaping what looks like the shape of another man, who’s countenance looks rather plain to you. Before you even have time to process it, the Sculptor wipes His brow and proudly proclaims that He is done with His masterpiece. It is a man of average appearance formed out of the clay block that was there just moments before. The Sculptor then breathes on the sculpture, and to your astonishment, the clay man comes to life! He begins to move and breathe on his own, where clay once was, flesh and bone are now present. You can tell that the Sculptor loves His creation more than anything else He has ever created, so much so that you cannot even really comprehend it. Immediately, time passes before you, and you see the clay man who was given flesh standing in front of you. He is surrounded by others like him, but they are jeering at the man, calling him all sorts of terrible things. However, the man does not become angry. As he stands there, tears begin to stream down his face, and he says, “Why can no one just accept me for who I am? Am I not handsome enough? Smart enough? Good looking enough?” You see the man in his home, but he does not feel much love or compassion there either. A man who looks like he could be his father, berates him, judges him, calls him unkind things, and even hits him sometimes. Although he looks like he is made of flesh, you see cracks that begin to appear in the man’s skin. In fact, he has been covered in them this whole time, but you only now took notice of them. The man retreats to be by himself and begins to cry to himself, “Why am I not good enough? Why can’t I just be different? Why was I made this way?” Your heart begins to break for this man as he sits alone in his misery. Next, you see the man walking alone in a wasteland of some kind. There are no other signs of life, and the man is covered in even more cracks than before. You hear him say to himself, “I’m never going to be good enough, so what’s the point. I’m a failure and always will be. Dad was right that I have no idea where I am going in life.” After walking some more, the man collapses to his knees, being able to no longer bear his suffering. He clutches his chest so tightly that he begins to think that he is going to die right then and there. However, to his surprise he does not, but he looks down at his hands that are now clutching something. In his hands is a small, ceramic heart, which is also covered in cracks and has pieces missing from its form. The man begins to sob uncontrollably at seeing this. Other parts of him begin to fall off of him as he wails in his anguish. His crying starts to quiet down, and he kneels there, hands clutching the shattered heart as if it was the last and most precious thing that he owned. Amidst the now quiet sobs, you can hear him muttering, “I can’t take this anymore. I’m tired of feeling so lonely and empty inside. I can’t ignore You anymore, even though that is what I have been doing for so many years now
I’m so sorry
please, help me
” In a moment faster than a heartbeat, you see the Great Sculptor from earlier standing in front of the shattered man. The shattered man is completely speechless and in awe of this Artist Supreme. The Sculptor says nothing but begins to pick up the pieces that had fallen off of the man. He takes each of them in His hands and begins to place them back onto the man who was once cracked and shattered. He then looks at the cracked heart still nestled in the man’s palms. For the first time, you hear this Creator speak, and you feel yourself compelled to bow down as low as you can possibly go at the Majesty of His voice. He says, “I AM here with you and have been chasing you all this time. I knew you before you even came into the world. You are the jewel of all of My creation. You are fearfully and wonderfully made, My child, and all of My works are wonderful (Psalm 139:14). I love you more than you can ever truly comprehend or realize.” The Sculptor takes the damaged heart, molds it in His noticeably scarred hands, and it comes out looking brand new and unscathed. He places the renewed heart back into the man’s chest, and at this, the man begins to weep saying, “I’m so

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The Scarred Healer

2 Comments / Healing, Hope / /

My kids and I have been on a healing journey for the past seven years. Divorce leaves many things in its wake. Shock, grief, disbelief, pain, and betrayal to name a few. Writing has always been an outlet for my emotions and I have 22 journals full of such. A few days ago, my son wrote down some of his own emotions as a way of working through the pain he’s experienced due to the events surrounding the divorce of his biological father and myself. After I read it, I asked him if I could publish it here for others to read as it might be just the thing that someone else needs to hear. He agreed to let me share his heart on this open forum in hopes that it touches someone who might be going through the same thing he has. My son doesn’t think he’s a writer but I thought this was so beautifully written, it needed to be shared. This is a beautiful example of what the power of surrender can do in ones heart if willing to take a step toward Jesus. He’s there and He’s waiting. I pray the following words will bless you this day. ~ The Scarred Healer ~ Within the confines of your mind, picture a vast desert of endless, cascading sands that blanket every square inch. No water, no relief, just unimaginable heat and dry air. There are zero signs of any life, not even a cactus or lizard. As you skirt the landscape amidst the sky, as if you were a bird in flight, you see a shape begin to form in the distance. At first, you think that you have finally spotted some kind of vegetation, some sign of life in this wasteland, but as you come closer to the mysterious object, you begin to see that it seems distinctly human. You notice that the shape you saw from far off is, in fact, a man. He is knelt on his knees, arms wrapped around his form as if he is trying with all his might to keep something hidden from view. He is completely exposed to the elements with no clothes on his back. You begin to feel compassion for this enigmatic figure, yet you find yourself unable to interact with him at all. You notice that the man is completely covered in scars from his head to the bottoms of his legs. Startling you out of your stupor, the man begins to cry softly to himself, almost sounding not like an adult man, but a small, scared child. You feel like your heart is being torn apart by the sorrow you can feel in the man’s gentle sobs, but you hold it together. Amidst the cries, you can faintly hear the man speak for the first time since you found him. You can just barely hear him say, “I can’t take this anymore. Why did I have to be hurt? What did I do to him to deserve this?” The man pauses briefly, then you hear him continue, “Was it something I did wrong? Was I not good enough? Was I not strong or smart enough?” As if it took every ounce of strength left within him, you hear him say, “I’m done with running away. I’m so tired. Please, even though I don’t deserve it and ran away, will you take me back?” You start to say something, then, suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light that is so bright, you think that you’ll go blind. As your vision comes back to you, you see another man, standing in front of the scarred man. He is radiant beyond belief, as if the light itself is bowing before Him, and He also has scars, one in each wrist and in both of His feet. The Man who is more than a man kneels in front of the scarred man, who looks completely awestruck. Tears begin to stream down the scarred man’s face, as he stares into the face of this God-Man. He cries out with a loud voice, “I’m so sorry My Lord! I’m so sorry that I ran away from You! You, who had always been by my side! How could I do such a thing?” The God-Man simply looked at him in the eyes and said, “My child, you were forgiven long ago. I have loved you since before you were formed in your mother’s womb and I will always love you, no matter what you do.” The Radiant One then took a large, white linen sheet and wrapped it around the scarred man, saying, “By My sacrifice you have been made clean. By My stripes you have been healed. Come and follow Me.” As He said these things, He wiped the tears from the scarred man’s eyes and offered out His own scarred hand. The scarred man immediately took the scarred hand of the God-Man, but they did not start walking away just yet. The God-Man turned around, looking at you, reader, saying, “I laid my life down as a ransom for you as well. Come and follow Me.” Now, with tears streaming from your own face, you take the God-Man by His other scarred hand, and follow Him. This God-Man has a name. His name is Jesus, and He gave EVERYTHING so that we may be healed. I don’t know where you’re at in life, what you believe, or the pain that you have suffered, but if there is anything that you get out of this story, it’s that Jesus is very real, and He wants to heal you of all that pain. As Jesus Himself stated, “I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. I am the Good Shepherd. The Good Shepherd lays down his life for the sheep” (John 10:10). In case you didn’t catch it, I, Jeremiah Blankenship, am the scarred man in the story. I won’t go into all the details of my

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Fire and Ice

Leave a Comment / Healing, Hope, Reflection / /

“Do you know what happens when ice touches a hot surface? It evaporates!” Why is it that certain words have more impact than others?  Why is it that some never seem to get purged from the filing cabinet in our mind and are brought to the surface more times than we care to admit? Is it because of who said them? The tone or inflection in the voice? The context in which they were said? Or is it because such words were so hurtful and were seared into the memory bank so deep, they can’t help but to surface now and again? I pass an electronic billboard every Sunday on my way to church. Yesterday, just as I passed by, the words fire and ice popped up and stood out like a neon sign vying for my attention. I have no idea what was being advertised but the fire and ice reference that came to my mind, is the sentence above. Two simple nouns in the English language forever altered in my mind due to the hurtful way in which they were verbalized to me. I truly believe they will be etched there forevermore. However, what makes the difference now is how I choose to view them. They can be a source of grief and depression or I can look at them as being one of the first steps in the process toward my ultimate freedom from abuse and trauma. A few years before the message above was seared into the recesses of my mind, my spouse, as he was at that time, was involved in a battle for his very soul. It was not a physical battle he was engaged in but a spiritual one. He didn’t talk to me very often about the warring that went on in his mind, but the few times he did, he said if he couldn’t be hot in his walk with the LORD, he might as well be cold. He was referring to a passage of scripture found in the book of Revelation where Jesus is talking to the church at Laodicea, which is modern day Turkey. They had lost their first love. This church had become lovers of self and had fallen into apostasy. They had become apathetic. In other words, they refused to continue in what they knew to be truth. They simply decided to reject God and His commands. Essentially, they had become “black sheep christians”. (If there is such a thing.) “‘I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot! So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth. For you say, I am rich, I have prospered, and I need nothing, not realizing that you are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked.” ~ Revelation 3:15-17 ESV This was the battle that raged in his mind. He had become apathetic towards God and truth. He lived in a gray area, of which God is not. God is black and white; absolute; right or wrong; no middle ground. Once my former spouse made the decision to be cold towards God, his coldness toward me increased as well. My initial thought about his decision to go cold was that perhaps it wouldn’t have been a bad thing because God can work with an absolute. I prayed for the Holy Spirit to convict his troubled heart and bring him back. What happened was quite the opposite. Instead, he withdrew from me even more and spent a lot of time alone. He left the house to get away from me as often as he could and didn’t talk to me very much. At the time, I didn’t understand it but, as I reflect on this scripture from Revelation, his words above, and consider them with everything I know now, it makes perfect sense. As one who loves Jesus with her whole heart, I have a very difficult time understanding how anyone who’s known perfect love, grace, mercy, and forgiveness, could ever willingly walk away from it. (These are the beautiful gifts received ~ through no merit of one’s own ~ when one becomes a child of God through the blood of Jesus Christ.) When I gave my heart to Jesus, I had the desire to do whatever He wanted me to do and go wherever He wanted me to go. I cannot get away from the fact that my heart belongs to Him…forever. I will be transparent and admit right here that there was a brief period of time when I chose to do some things I knew were wrong. I knew I had made a conscious choice to sin but I did it anyway. I had my reasons at the time and yes, I justified them to myself. Didn’t change the fact that I was 100% wrong! But one morning, as I was stopped at a red-light, conviction hit me like a ton of bricks. The presence of the Holy Spirit filled my car and if I’d have been able to, I would’ve been flat on my face! Being strapped in by a seat-belt, I bowed my head as far down as I could get it and with tears of grief pouring from my eyes, confessed my blatant sin to my Heavenly Father. I asked Him to forgive my rebellious heart and restore my relationship with Him. And He did! In that very moment, the weight I’d been carrying was lifted. All I had to do was ask. That’s how I know that I know that I know, if you are a true child of God, you absolutely, 100% CANNOT live in sin because the Almighty, Holy God will NOT allow His children to do so. It is an impossibility. The Holy Spirit will convict. No words have to be uttered. No audible voice from the clouds need reach your ears. (Even though I believe with all my heart those things are possible if

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Reflecting on Thankfulness

Leave a Comment / Reflection, Thankful / /

This year has passed all too quickly! It seems like I shouldn’t be sitting here reflecting on all this year has held already. However, I have learned the older I get the faster time flies. It’s just a reality of life that must be embraced because it is truth, no matter how much it always seems to surprise me. When Tami and I started this website ministry, back in July of 2018, we had no idea we’d have as many hits and viewers as our stats now show. It is humbling, to say the least. Even though we don’t receive much feedback or comments on our content, the map shows us how many log on and view and/or read our posts and for that, we are forever grateful. I am not much of a website expert nor do I really know how to track data as I’d like to, but if you’ve been one of our consistent followers and we just don’t know because your comments don’t get recorded or tracked appropriately (due to my lack of tech savy-ness), please send us an email at reflectinghisheartministries@gmail.com because we’d love to hear from you! With that being said, we want you to know that we are thankful for you! So very thankful!! Thank you for supporting us and being faithful to our website and blog. We are grateful for all the Holy Spirit has allowed us to share. He has stretched us in different ways and we have learned, grown, and healed on this journey with you. Our prayer is that each and every word has touched you and blessed you in a profound way. We pray you were (and are) able to hear what the Holy Spirit was (and is) speaking to your heart through the words He placed on our hearts to share. We are thankful that God is a personal God. He deals with us individually and He never plays favorites. We are all the same at the foot of the cross. He has a unique path for each one of His children. He knows our exact circumstances and will lead each one of us according to His will for our lives. Our part is to be obedient and follow Him with complete faith and trust. We realize this is easier said than done but we can assure you, from personal experience, that it is WELL worth it. The pathway He’s prepared may be rough and full of valley’s at times, but He is there. Always there. Going before us. We are thankful for grace. God’s Riches At Christ’s Expense. Unmerited favor. Underserved yet lavished upon us. His amazing, matchless grace. He took our sin upon Himself then He gives us approval that we don’t deserve. It doesn’t make sense but it’s exactly what He did. Oh, how we thank Him for grace. We are thankful for God’s love and forgiveness. For His unconditional love. We are thankful He accepts us just as we are but loves us too much to leave us that way. He wants to transform us. He wants His love to so permeate our hearts that it spills out on all those around us. We are thankful, also, for His forgiveness. Through His precious blood, we are covered and it has cleansed us from ALL unrighteousness. We are no longer condemned. Even while we were still sinful and far away from Him, He died for us so we could be forgiven. Yes, we still fail and fall short but His love never waivers and His blood always covers. Oh, there is supernatural power in that redeeming blood. Oh, how thankful we are for His love and forgiveness of sin. We are thankful for valleys; for it’s in the valley we feel Him the closest to us. Valleys are for our growth and refinement. Valleys are for testing. Valleys are necessary. Valleys are for our good. Valleys are where He carries us. He cries with us. He laughs with us and He waits for us. We have learned so much in the valley. I think that’s why we so often find ourselves there. If all we ever experienced were mountain-top victories, how would we know what God can do in the valley? The valley shows us who God is. There’s such sweet and comforting fellowship in the valley. We are thankful for valleys. We are thankful for the quiet. It’s in the quiet when we listen the most intently. It’s in the quiet we can pour over His precious word and allow the Holy Spirit to speak truth into our hearts. It’s in the quiet we can lift up our praise as well as our petitions. It’s in the quiet where there are no distractions. Oh, how thankful we are for the quiet. We are thankful for healing. While healing is a process that can sometimes be excruciating, along with the healing comes a quiet confidence and strength you cannot explain. You know it’s God-given because it’s nothing you could have done on your own. It’s part of the process. While you grieve the loss or the tragedy, God is not only healing those wounds, He’s creating and developing an inner strength you don’t even realize is there. It’s not haughty or puffed-up because you know from whence you came…I like to call it a hot mess. God takes the ashes of your brokenness and molds them into something beautiful and stronger than you could ever possibly imagine. Oh, how very thankful we are for healing. As this year is very close to being at its end, a new one is just around the corner, LORD willing. Tami and I are looking forward to sharing more stories, more scripture, and more of what God is doing in our lives on this journey toward healing and restoration. Thank you all, once again, for logging on and letting us share just a small glimpse into our lives with Jesus. We appreciate you! Your Sisters in Christ,

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Mistaken Identity ~ Funeral Fire

2 Comments / Healing, Hope, Restoration, Strength / /

I didn’t think it would be that simple. Finding closure. Agonizing over the lack thereof for years only to embrace it with one simple choice. To go back to the exact same place it all started. It’s so amazing how the Holy Spirit orchestrates a myriad of details and then brings them all together as a beautiful symphony of glory and praise to the Father. The good and the bad. The grief and the laughter. The defeats as well as the victories. My finite mind will never be able to comprehend the depth of His love for me nor how He can take one of the most grievous life events and bring beauty from its ashes. It’s just what He does because He is God and He can. Earlier this year, I told my mom I would like to fly out to the Pacific NW to visit her and my step-dad. I hadn’t been there for three years so knew it was time. I didn’t have any definite plans but did tell her I’d look at some dates and let her know. A few weeks later, she called and asked me if I was still coming. The anticipation in her voice was something I couldn’t dismiss as just a simple inquiry. She wanted me to come see her. That’s all it took for me to start looking at airfare and flight itineraries. Long story short, I reserved vacation time off at work, then booked my flight and purchased my tickets. I’m not sure why, but I’m always amazed at how each decision I make somehow corresponds with the next one. I’m finally understanding what it means to walk in the plans God has for me. The ever illusive “you need to find God’s will for your life” from my youth group days has taken on a whole new meaning since I realized when I keep Him at the center of my life and allow Him to be in control, the path I’m to walk opens up before me with very little effort. There’s no stress and no drama. It just works. About a week after I booked my flight, I had an appointment with my trauma counselor. At that time, I was still trying to wrap my mind around the realization that had come to light in our previous session. The enormity of knowing that my ex saw me as a child in need of “training” during our marriage still weighed very heavy on my heart. I didn’t know what to do with it. In the interim between appointments my mental state was foggy. Not knowing which way to turn or what to think, I decided to stay focused on the truth I held in my heart that God had me…no matter what was happening. During our conversation, we started discussing closure. I do not believe in coincidences because God is sovereign and nothing in my life happens by chance. It’s by design. As we talked, she asked me if there was something I could do to find closure. Something tangible to convince my mind it was time to put the painful past behind me and move forward. I thought about it for a moment then said, “Well, I’m going back home in a few weeks….that’s where I met him, we dated, and got married…the church is still there…perhaps going there would help…”  I had no idea how going back to the church we were married in would aid in my search for closure, but knew the Holy Spirit would lead me into every detail at the right time. And He did. For the next few weeks, the choice to go back to the church came together. I found a box in my closet with a few wedding photos, birthday cards, notes, etc that I thought I’d long since destroyed but hadn’t. I asked my daughter to get my original wedding set out of her safe so I could take it with me. (I’d given it to her right after the divorce because I wasn’t ready, at that time, to part with it.) When my daughter gave my rings back, my former spouse’s original wedding band was there as well. (I’d had it sized to fit my finger and started wearing it when he made us new rings for our 15th wedding anniversary.) I had forgotten I’d given it to her to keep for me. As I held those rings in my hand, I thought it was just as it should be. Gold circles that were once symbols of a love and covenant that should’ve had no end, were now just hollow reminders of broken vows, betrayal, and abandonment. Having his ring to bury along with mine, brought additional confirmation that the closure I longed for was well within my grasp. Design. The old hymn “Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing” had been on my mind for days and I couldn’t figure out why I kept singing it over and over. There’s a phrase in the second verse that says “Here I raise mine Ebenezer, hither by Thy help I’m come”. There was something about those words that compelled me to know more about them so I started researching it a bit deeper. My search led me to the lyrics and the lyrics, to the Old Testament. Specifically, 1 Samuel 7:7-12.  7 Now when the Philistines heard that the people of Israel had gathered at Mizpah, the lords of the Philistines went up against Israel. And when the people of Israel heard of it, they were afraid of the Philistines. 8 And the people of Israel said to Samuel, “Do not cease to cry out to the LORD our God for us, that He may save us from the hand of the Philistines.” 9 So Samuel took a nursing lamb and offered it as a whole burnt offering to the LORD. And Samuel cried out to the LORD for Israel, and the LORD answered him. 10 As Samuel was offering up the burnt offering, the Philistines drew near to attack Israel. But

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Mistaken Identity ~ Seen and Not Heard

Leave a Comment / Healing, Hope, Restoration / /

Identity –  the distinguishing character or personality of an individual Individuality –  total character peculiar to and distinguishing an individual from others; separate and distinct existence ~ Merriam Webster Dictionary Pretty straight forward, isn’t it? Makes sense. Easy to wrap your mind around, right? For most people anyway. Not so much for others. Those others include me. I always thought I knew who I was. Daughter. Sister. Granddaughter. Aunt. (Ex)Wife. Sister-in-Law. Mom. Mother-in-Law. Nana. Friend. Employee. Sunday School teacher. Writer. Each of these roles describe who I am or was. With each one, I can picture in my mind those they pertain to and how each one is different, distinct, and separate. Even though they’re all part of who I am, each one carries with it a very different purpose. Within the past week, I’ve realized I played another role in the life of an individual to whom the role was never meant to be played. But it makes sense now. Seems like all the pieces have finally fallen into place. Answers to questions I didn’t know I needed have become reality. Before the internet was at our fingertips twenty-four seven/three sixty-five, there was a periodical called a newspaper. I’m old enough to remember it being delivered every morning by a young boy on his bicycle. As he pedaled past the front yard, he’d toss the newspaper towards the house and, hopefully, if he had good aim, it would land someplace near the front porch. The newspaper was full of both local and world events, engagements, weddings, births, deaths, etc. But right in the middle was a huge section called the classifieds or the “want-ads”. If you had something you were interested in buying and/or selling (such as a car, a boat, or a new house) or were in need of a job, you’d peruse the want-ads to see if anyone had the item you wanted to buy or were offering the type of job you were seeking. The want-ads were the perfect source for buying and/or selling tangible merchandise or finding just the right place of employment to meet your needs. Yes, the newspaper truly was a wealth of knowledge and kept us informed of all the goings-on in the world. Oh, how I wish there were a periodical, book, or magazine I could search and find answers for this recent discovery from my past. It would be so much easier if I could search Amazon for a manual entitled “Jennifer ~ How to Heal and Move On From All the Insane & Grievous Things You Had to Deal With While Married to Your Ex”!! Unfortunately, there are some things a newspaper could never help with, even if they were still in circulation. There are some things that cannot be found by diligently perusing words in a book, magazine, or even the internet. There are some things that cannot be found by seeking out worldly answers to questions that are screaming from a broken heart. There are some situations that occur in this life we cannot control nor wrap our mind around nor find answers to no matter how many times we do a google search. There are some things that can only be found by surrendering everything to Almighty God then patiently wait and trust Him to bring the answer…in His time. Two passages of scripture just popped into my mind that help me in the waiting. “Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will hear you. You will seek Me and find Me, when you seek Me with all your heart.” ~ Jeremiah 29:12-13 ESV “Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And He who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.” ~ Romans 8:26-28 ESV For most people, waiting on God’s timing and trusting Him to work everything out isn’t a popular choice. Most people (and that most includes me) want an easy fix so the problem or situation will go away and life can go back to being “normal” again, if there is such a thing. I have sought out easy fixes to situations in the past and have found them to be a futile endeavor. I am human with a finite mind. I cannot see all nor do I know everything. But my God does. He sees and knows everything. God’s timing is infinitely perfect. So, I completely trust Him when new discoveries are brought into the light. Even when I don’t understand them. It all started with an afternoon counseling session. It never ceases to amaze me how God leads the conversation to exactly what I need to say in order for my counselor to ask all the right questions. We never set an agenda for our sessions. We just start talking and trust the Holy Spirit to lead. And He always does. Besides healing from the grief of divorce itself, there is one thing I have longed for. Closure. I guess you can say it’s been a mission of sorts to put the past behind me and move forward. While I have made great strides toward that end, there has been something holding me back. There has been a missing factor in the equation. That is, up until a few days ago. It was something I already knew but did not realize I had completely missed the context as it has now been presented. It was the missing factor that was holding everything back. When I was finally able to add it to the other things my heart has been grieving over and wrestling with, it all started to make sense. While

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His Desires (My Heart)

2 Comments / Encouragement, Healing, Hope / /

This is going to take time. I knew it wouldn’t be an easy road to walk and even expected a few set-backs, as there always are when you’re in the healing process. What I didn’t expect was how quickly it happened. Before I knew it, my mind returned to the place is was comfortable for so many years. One random conversation and I was back in that place of agreement; that place of acquiescence; that place of submission to whatever was said to protect myself from confrontation. It scared me. I don’t want to go back there. But my mind did. Automatically. As if someone had flipped a switch. The transition was flawless. Right back to the same old pattern; right back to the same old response. It was then I realized I have more healing ahead and probably more heart wrenching realizations as well. When I was in elementary school, grammar and punctuation were integral parts of learning the English language. While I have retained the know-how of using both of these without issue, reciting the exact rules that govern each one have long since left the building. (I’m thankful to have a daughter who just so happens to be an English major and helps me whenever I forget the finer points of the only language I know how to speak.) One part of punctuation that has always intrigued me are the parentheses. Two side-ways smiles that encompass an added thought, word, or phrase. Perhaps the word or phrase isn’t a huge part of the overall storyline but the author felt it important enough to include to give the reader another detail or even just a side-note of interest. The Almighty Author of my life story has added a parentheses to this chapter of the manuscript. It may not be a huge part of my overall storyline but it’s important to include so I don’t get caught up in another cycle of abuse. If you have followed this ministry for any length of time, you are well versed on my story. Up until five years ago, I was in a marital relationship that was filled with abuse, deception, and manipulation. It wasn’t pretty. It was a desperate way to live and my mind has suffered greatly due to the influence of those things. However, while in the midst of it, I didn’t see it as abuse. I thought everyone’s marriage was as mine was. I couldn’t have been more deceived. I was raised with the belief that the man was the head of the home, the Spiritual leader and, as any good Christian wife, I was to submit and allow him to lead and help me grow in my relationship with Jesus, as well as with him. I not only believed it, I wanted it. I actually welcomed it. I wanted a godly man, strong in his faith, to study the bible and pray with. I wanted him to be the leader of our home and our family. I knew if I married such a man, the submission part would come naturally because I’d be secure in his leadership and trust he was being Spirit led through personal bible study and prayer. I thought I had done that. However, I didn’t marry such a man. I married a man who only pretended to be all of those things and he kept me fooled for quite a long time. Since Jesus rescued me from that existence, I have learned many things about the reality I lived in for so long. I didn’t realize I had been married to a narcissist until many months after the divorce. I’d never even heard the word before, much less knew what it was. Behavior doesn’t lie. One can deceive you with smooth and perfectly practiced words about who and what they are, but when it comes to their actions, it gives away the intent of their heart every time! The behavior my ex exhibited those last few years of our marriage were textbook narcissism. (Knowing what I do now, I’m sure narcissism was always the “third person” in our relationship but not knowing it was an actual mental health issue, I was completely oblivious.) Over the course of many years, my mind was abused and manipulated one minute then “love-bombed” twenty minutes later and all of it coming from the very same person. It’s an exceptionally difficult thing to come to terms with. Even after all the time that has passed, my mind is still affected by the trauma. Back and forth. Ebb and flow. Right now, that’s my mind in a nutshell. Cognitive dissonance. After some online research of my own, I realized this is the culmination of what’s going on in my head. I live with two opposing views in my mind. I love him then I hate him. I miss him then I’m thankful he’s gone. There are times I know I’m over him and others I don’t think I’ll ever be. But, if there has been one thing deeply engrained into my heart during this journey with Jesus it’s that I know, beyond any doubt, God’s got me. If He allows something to touch my life, He has a purpose for it. I thought my days of counseling and therapy were behind me. I thought my days of being overwhelmed by grief and trauma had long since passed. However, since experiencing the results of the conversation mentioned above, it proved my mind is in need of more healing. My previous life was very compartmentalized. I used to think it was from all the years in the military but now I know it was from being married to a narcissist for over three decades. It’s how his brain worked and, over the years, it spilled over onto me. For almost 20 years, I marked time as, “when we PCS’d to Fort Irwin, CA, our first child was born and he was promoted to Captain” or “then we moved to Alaska

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Goodbye to the Soul Tie

4 Comments / Healing, Restoration, Surrender / /

I really shouldn’t be surprised. I’m doing what I should’ve been doing my entire life. I had no idea what I was being kept from. My life was, well… It was a life. I lived it. Raised my kids. Followed an Army officer all around the U.S. and Asia. Took care of the homes we lived in. Yet something always felt a little bit off. I couldn’t put my finger on it but it was there. I could feel it. Something that stirred within me. Something that didn’t fit. Yet I denied it. For a very long time. Years, even. But I had made a promise. No. It was deeper than that. It was a covenant. A covenant that was tied to Almighty God. A soul tie. It was supposed to have been forever. Well, at least until death parted us. Not torn asunder by a willful choice. But that’s all it took. One willful choice and it was done. Years of trust completely shattered in just one moment. It could’ve never been mended. How could it? But I hoped. Why? Not sure exactly. Was I afraid to face life alone? Not really. I’d been doing life alone for a long time. I had grown accustomed to eating dinner by myself in front of the tv. I’d learned to live with the deafening silence that filled the rooms of an empty house. Silence can be very loud at times. Was I hoping he’d realize his mistake and come back? Perhaps. We’d been together for over three decades. How do you just walk away from that and start over? I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. I didn’t understand how he could say he loved me yet choose another. What about our covenant? What about our soul tie? Was it okay for only one of us to decide it was over? It was together we made the decision to get married. Why should going our separate ways be any different? If he wanted to live a godless existence and sleep around with others, why didn’t he just let me go? Would it have made a difference? Guess I’ll never know. I would’ve been crushed either way. Instead, he chose to sneak around behind my back. He lied. He cheated. He stole. He lied about everything. His phone activity. His emails. His virtual encounters via FaceTime. Not to mention, countless trips to her country, courtesy of the U.S. government no less. And all of it right under my nose. I was none the wiser. But Someone was. Jesus saw it. Jesus saw every single text message. Every single email. Every single hotel room. It’s all recorded in His book. He will answer for his choices. It’s out of my control. It’s not up to me to save him. I am not his Holy Spirit. Although there were several times I tried to be. I really did. I thought I could get him to see “the error of his ways”. I thought by confronting him, I could win him over. It didn’t work. It did the opposite. Only the Spirit can bring conviction. Only the Spirit can reveal truth that makes one morally accountable. Only the Spirit can expose the reality of one’s heart, one’s intentions, one’s attitude, and one’s actions. I’ve wasted a lot of time. Hoping. Hoping to reunite with a man who did nothing but abuse me. Hoping to reunite with a man who did not cherish me. Hoping to reunite with a man who did not respect me. Yet, even knowing all of that, I’ve been secretly hoping and praying he’d humble his heart, repent, surrender his life to Jesus, and come home to his family. This hope I shared with no one. Didn’t even realize it as truth until a few days ago. It was something my daughter said. Just one thought from her perspective did something to me. I’ve been hoping and praying for something that will not happen. It’s false It’s futile. It’s empty. I can hope and pray from now until the day Jesus calls me home but it’s not up to me. I cannot choose where he spends eternity. It’s his choice. It’s not like he doesn’t know the truth of God’s word. He’s heard it his entire life. From the very beginning of our marriage, it seemed I was tasked with the mission of getting him to turn his life around. It was never said aloud but always felt implied. Perhaps that’s why something always felt a bit off. Perhaps that’s why something didn’t fit. I married a man who wanted very much to stay a part of the world. He didn’t want to change and didn’t plan to. He played his part as I played mine. Only I wasn’t playing. I was in it for life. But it’s over. It’s been over for many years. I’m the one who’s been holding on. But I cannot move forward with his baggage weighing me down. And that’s exactly what he is. Baggage. A pile of lies, betrayal, and shattered pieces. Pieces of an old life not meant to be put back together. An old life that’s nothing more than a pile of ashes. But I know Someone who knows what to do with ashes. Bring beauty from them. Beauty from the ashes of an old life burned down and destroyed by sin. Beauty from the ashes of a covenant rent in two by selfish desires. Beauty from the ashes of a soul tie torn asunder with a single, willful choice. Beauty from the ashes of a shattered, yet healing heart. Beauty from the ashes of a life still very much surrendered to Jesus. On this very day that would’ve been our 40th wedding anniversary, it seems quite fitting to make a choice of my own. Forty years in this wilderness is long enough. Time to move on. With my eyes fixed on Jesus. The Author and Finisher of my faith. I’m sure there will

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