It came from out of nowhere.
I had an appointment across town so I decided to take a back road to save time. In hindsight, I wish I’d have thought it through a little more carefully.
The back road took me into the area I spent 20 years of my life. As I crossed over the highway that led to the home my ex and I built together to retire in, the memories flooding my mind weren’t ones of missing him or even missing that house. The memories overwhelming me were ones of abuse, pain, and heartache.
I was triggered.
The type of trigger I’m referring to, as defined by Webster’s dictionary, is anything that reminds you of previous trauma. To be triggered is to experience an intense and, usually, negative emotional or physical reaction, such as a panic attack.
My reaction was completely unexpected and came out of nowhere. One minute, I was driving along and the next, I could hardly breathe, the road in front of me became blurry as my eyes filled with tears, and all I wanted to do was get away from there.
Processing through the hurtful events we’ve experienced is hard and excruciating. Sometimes when memories fill our mind, they certainly don’t take into consideration we might be driving down the Interstate or standing in the checkout line at Wal Mart. I know I’ve had to pull off to the side of the road more than once to get the tears under control and I’ve had more than a few strange looks in the grocery store. Sound familiar?
After my divorce was final, I was in a very dark place. I didn’t sleep and I didn’t eat. It was all I could do to get myself through the work day. Dealing with grief and the constant ache in my heart was exhausting. When I crawled into bed each night, I played praise and worship music to calm the unrest in my mind and soothe the ache in my heart…then I’d pray for sleep to find me. I was completely empty and I couldn’t think of anything better to fill up that void than listening to beautiful voices praising Jesus in worship.
I had long since lost my own voice. It had been pushed somewhere into the background and it just became easier and easier to not search for it. I don’t know exactly where or even when it happened. Probably somewhere between the contempt and the rejection and the betrayal and the abandonment. In the myriad of emotions that seemingly plagued my brain and my heart every second, my love for singing beautiful worship songs was left behind. Buried under the anguish in the basement of my heart.
One evening after work, I got into my car, and completely broke down. It hadn’t been a stressful day but the sheer energy it took to paste a smile on my face for those around me, was too much for the brokenness in my tormented soul. I didn’t think the tears would ever stop. When I was finally able to gain some composure, the still small voice of the Spirit whispered…
You need to praise Me.
What, Jesus?
You must praise Me.
Oh, Jesus…how can I offer You praise when I’m such a broken mess?
Trust Me, My child. That’s the best time to do it. I didn’t say praise the circumstances. Praise Me in the circumstances.
But it hurts so much. I don’t even know if I have it within me anymore.
I know it hurts. Please trust Me. Worship Me. Praise Me.
My car had suddenly become holy ground. I felt I should’ve removed my shoes and been on my face because, in that moment, the Holy Spirit had completely filled that space. And with His sweet presence, overwhelming peace. Jesus wasn’t put off by my attitude, my brokenness, or the painful mess I was caught up in. He embraced me in the middle of it.
Before I left the parking lot, praise was being lifted. At first, I was only listening but the words of worship set to music stirred something deep inside of me. It felt as if the praise that had been trapped for so long in the basement of my heart, started to break through. It had been so long since I’d sung anything but through the lump stuck in my throat and with tears still stinging my eyes, I started to sing…
“Your promise still stands,
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness;
I’m still in Your hands,
This is my confidence, You’ve never failed me yet…”
Did lifting those beautiful words change my circumstances? No, they did not but they began to change me.
The more I sang, the lighter I felt. The sadness wasn’t as heavy. The pain not as painful. I felt hope well up in my heart. It’s the best I’d felt in a very long time. By the time I pulled into the driveway at the house, I think I may have even smiled.
I made a covenant with Jesus that night. I promised Him no matter what I was feeling or what was happening or even if the circumstances didn’t change, I would praise Him! Through the tears. Through the heartache. Through all the things that seemed unfair. I chose to praise Him.
The enemy knows our weakness. He cannot read our minds but he’s very observant. He watches us and keeps track of the places in our lives where weakness wins. I’m sure he gets enjoyment out of blindsiding us with a memory, a song, or even a smell to trigger the grief we’re so desperate to be healed from. His goal is to get our eyes off Jesus and onto the pain, the grief, or the situation at hand. He doesn’t want us to praise Jesus. He doesn’t want us turning our eyes to the only One who can comfort our broken hearts or give us hope in the middle of the agony we’re feeling.
He’s called our enemy for a reason.
Since our struggle isn’t with what we can see with our eyes, we must fight the enemy on his own ground. In the Spiritual. (Ephesians 6:12) What better way to fight him than lifting our voice, whether through spoken word or in song, and hit him where it hurts the most?
Psalm 22:3 says God inhabits the praises of His people. That means God dwells in our praise. He resides there. So, if we’re praising God and He is there residing with us, that means the enemy is not! The enemy will not stay where God is. Essentially, our praise is a weapon.
There’s a story in the New Testament about the Apostle Paul and his traveling companion, Silas. They were bound in chains and thrown into prison for preaching the Gospel.
“And at midnight Paul and Silas prayed, and sang praises unto God: and the prisoners heard them. And suddenly there was a great earthquake, so that the foundations of the prison were shaken: and immediately all the doors were opened, and every one’s bands were loosed.”
~ Acts 16:24&25 (Phillips NT)
Under the circumstances, it would’ve been easy for them to focus on their pain and resent God for allowing them to be imprisoned and yet, they prayed. Under the circumstances, it would’ve been understandable for them to be fearful of what might happen and start to panic and yet, they sang. They didn’t allow themselves to stay under the circumstances. They rose above them!
They chose to praise! They chose to praise instead of focusing on their situation. Then God caused an earthquake to loosen them from their chains and, as a result, many lives were changed. The jailer and all his family were saved because two men chose to praise.
While it sounds easy in theory, it’s incredibly difficult to do. Honestly, when the Spirit filled my car that night, I didn’t want to praise Him and He knew that. I wanted to be angry and hurt and wallow in the pain I was feeling and He knew that. I didn’t want anything to negate the fact that I had been betrayed, manipulated, and abused. I was devastated, it was unfair, and I wanted everyone to know it. He knew that, too.
Although, as time passed, I started to realize something about wanting everyone to know. Everyone stops listening after awhile. They don’t want to hear the same thing over and over and over. They have their own life issues and, while I’m sure they cared about my situation and what had been done to me, they didn’t have the answers I was desperate for. They couldn’t relate to my pain because they’d never experienced it for themselves.
God knew that. He was patient and let me wallow for awhile. He knew I had come to the end of myself and when all my human attempts to heal my heart had failed, He met me right in the middle of the mess that was my life.
Unraveling years of manipulation and abuse is a slow process. It took 35 years to get to where I was and it wasn’t going to be healed or just go away overnight, as much as I wanted it to. God had a specific purpose for what I was going through and while I didn’t understand what good could ever come from what I had experienced, I made a conscious choice to praise Him anyway.
It was the best choice I have made in this season. Switching my focus from self to the One who allowed the experience to touch me in the first place, changed everything! The enemy enjoyed my self-pity and my “wallowing in the pain moments” but they did absolutely nothing to bring the healing I so desperately sought. All it accomplished was deeper pain and deeper self-pity which was the enemy’s plan all along. His MO is to “steal, kill, and destroy” (John 10:10). He did not have my best interest at heart.
But God did. And He met me in the middle of my wallowing. But He wouldn’t let me stay there. Because He loves me. Because He has a plan. Because He has a purpose for the pain.
So, after an exhausting day of pretending to be okay, He had been waiting for me to get away from the activity. Away from all the distractions and be alone. Where it was quiet so I could hear Him. And hear Him, I did. He didn’t yell. He didn’t condemn. He wrapped His arms around me and let me cry for awhile. Then He spoke quietly to my heart…
You need to praise Me.
What, Jesus?
You must praise Me.
Oh, Jesus…how can I offer You praise when I’m such a broken mess?
Trust Me, My child. That’s the best time to do it. I didn’t say praise the circumstances. Praise Me in the circumstances.
But it hurts so much. I don’t even know if I have it within me anymore…
I know it hurts. Please trust Me. Worship Me. Praise Me.
I was triggered.
The type of trigger I’m referring to, as defined by God’s dictionary, is anything that reminds you of previous encounters with the Holy Spirit. To be triggered is to experience an intense and, usually, positive emotional or physical reaction, such as a few tears or a praise party.
Wait! What?
Isn’t that the definition of triggered I referred to earlier?
I guess it’s all about perspective.
I can choose to look at my situation through the eyes of the world.
I was treated unfairly. I was betrayed. I was manipulated. I was abused.
OR
I can choose to look at my situation through the eyes of my Savior.
I was treated unfairly but God is Just. I was betrayed but God is Faithful. I was manipulated but God is Truth. I was abused but God is Love.
It’s all about choosing to see the events of our lives from His perspective.
Everything that happens to us in this life is by design. I believe that with all my heart. God doesn’t allow anything to touch us that isn’t filtered through His loving hand first. If He allowed it to touch our lives, there must be a very good reason for it and purpose to be found in it.
God has a way of giving new meaning to things as only He can. Even the things of this world. Even words in Webster’s dictionary.
Now, whenever I think of the word triggered, it will remind me not to be concerned or overwhelmed by the events of my past. It will remind me not to give a second thought to being betrayed, manipulated, or abused. It doesn’t mean they didn’t happen nor does it negate the fact that God is keeping track of everything that has happened in my life thus far. It’s all about perspective. It’s all about what I choose to focus on.
So, the next time I feel triggered, I’m going to beat the enemy at his own game. Instead of being triggered to thoughts of abuse, pain, and heartache, I’ll be focused on the opposite.
God has revealed a whole new meaning to the word.
Instead of being triggered to panic, I choose to see things from His perspective.
When I’m triggered, I’ll praise!
Yes! Triggered equals Praise!
Triggered to Praise!