It’s dark here.
Wait. Where’s here?
Where am I?
How did I get here?
What happened?
Where did everyone go?
I was just laughing with the kids.
The babies! Oh, my goodness! Where are my babies?
I can’t see.
It’s so dark. Shouldn’t I be cold?
I’ve always associated darkness with cold. Not sure why. That’s weird.
There’s light somewhere close. I can’t see it and yet, I know it’s there.
Am I alone?
Is anyone else here?
Why won’t someone answer me?
Oh, wow! that hurts. Where is that pain coming from?
Maybe it’s my legs. Sometimes my legs hurt if I sit too long.
But am I sitting? I can’t really tell.
It’s uncomfortable here but, at the same time, I’m secure. Protected. I’m held, somehow.
How does that make sense?
Okay. It’s not my legs and it doesn’t seem to be my arms.
I don’t think I’m injured anywhere. I can’t feel any wounds on the outside.
No, it’s not external. Definitely not external.
But it’s tangible pain so it must be coming from somewhere.
It’s deeper. An aching somewhere deep inside me.
I don’t recognize it.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt this type of pain before.
Is it in my mind?
Sometimes I have a vivid imagination.
Wait!
What?
What?
My heart!
It’s my heart?
It’s…my…heart!
Am I having a heart attack?
I need to get help! Now!
Oh no! The pain is getting stronger.
And what is this tightening around my chest?
Why is it so dark?
I can’t breathe!
Someone, please help me!
I don’t want to die here. Alone. In this dark place!
Can anyone hear me?
Please. Hear me.
Wait. Okay. Calm down, you! Listen for a second. Do you hear it?
It’s quiet. Strangely, peacefully quiet. Yet I’m very much aware of a sound.
How can I be in such a dark place yet sense light? Seemingly alone yet feel held? Feeling pain, acutely aware no amount of medicine will relieve, yet feel a soothing touch? Strangely quiet yet aware of a sound?
Okay. I’m dead. I must be dead.
Well, maybe. I don’t know what I think anymore!
Okay. I don’t think I’ve died. But something has.
I don’t feel complete. Something is missing.
Wait!
Is that a voice?
Yes! It’s a voice!
Hallelujah!
I’m not here in this dark place alone.
Hello.
Heeelllooo?
Who is it?
What?
Is it really You, Jesus?
Are You here?
You are?
Oh. Thank You for coming to get me.
Let’s get out of here.
It’s dark and uncomfortable. Not sure how I ended up here. It must be a drea…
What?
What did You say?
He did what?
Nooooooooooooooo!!
But why? Why would he do that?
Wwwwwwwhhhhhhhyyyyyyy?
How could he do that to me?
He chose another? Has a second family? A second life?
He betrayed me? But we’ve been together so long.
He’s rejected me?
Ohhhhhhh! Everything is becoming painfully clear now.
Ohhhhhhh the pain! The pain, Jesus! My heart. It’s not a heart attack. It’s a heart assault!
Why didn’t I see it?
I did?
Then why didn’t I do something? Say something?
Yes. I did. I tried so many times to talk to him. He wouldn’t talk to me. I was afraid it would be true. I felt something years ago but didn’t want to face it. I’ve actually feared it.
Yes. I know it.
The worst of my fears has come true, what I’ve dreaded most has happened. ~ Job 3:25
From the time we were married, I feared he’d abandon me.
Jesus? Why didn’t You stop him?
Right. I know that. You never force Your way on anyone. You want to be chosen. I get that.
Why is this happening now?
What am I going to do?
I don’t understand, Jesus.
Where am I going to live?
Okay. Deep breath, you!
Ahhhhhh. A bit better now.
Jesus?
I’m ever so much older than 19. How can I start over? All by myself? And alone?
Oh. I know, Jesus. I’m not alone. Ever. I always have You.
Yes, I trust You.
Well, I think I do.
No. No, wait. I know I do!
Yes, I remember You telling me that.
It was several years ago.
I know. You were preparing me. Even then.
You told me I needed to get to the place in my life where I’d be content if it was just us. You and me.
We’re at that place now, aren’t we?
((Sigh))
Jesus?
Why are we here? Oh, and by the way, where is here?
What did You say? I don’t think I heard You quite right.
Your shadow?
I’m in Your shadow?
Oh. Now that clears things up. Not!
Yes. That day is etched in my memory forever. And I’d choose You again. You know that, right?
Yes. That was a silly question. You know my heart like no other. And, now, I’m in Your shadow.
And I’m covered? How?
With Your hand.
WOW!
You picked me up, set me aside, covered me with Your hand, and now I’m resting in Your shadow?
I’m what?
Planted?
Did You say planted?
Okay. Don’t mind telling You, Jesus. That’s a little weird.
How can I be planted?
Yes. I know what David wrote in the first few verses of his first Psalm. I think I can paraphrase it.
Blessed (happy) is the man (or woman, in my case) who doesn’t listen to the advice of or follow the example of the wicked or share in the ways of a sinner and doesn’t sit down to rest with those who ridicule; but her delight is in God’s ways and she meditates on His word. She is like a consistent and steady tree, firmly planted by a stream of water, that will produce her fruit when it’s time. Her leaves never wither and whatever she does will come to maturity. ~ Personal Paraphrase of Psalm 1:1-3
So, I’m a tree?
Oh, not yet. I’m a seed, right now. Well, that explains the darkness. And I’m in the dirt. Yep! That’s pretty much how I feel right now. As low as the dirt. No, wait. I’m lower. I’m in the dirt!
Planted.
In the dirt.
And when it rains, I’ll be in the mud.
Mud. That’s just great. Wow.
Why am I in the dirt and he just gets to walk away, start his new life with what’s-her-name, and I’m stuck here, in this dirt, that could clearly become mud at any minute, dealing with pain that makes me feel like I want to die? He gets away with everything. Everything! He always has. And I’m left here alone. To try and deal with the fallou…
Yes. I know. But he betra…
Okay. I’m sorry, Jesus. Please, forgive me but it’s just not fair.
No. It wasn’t.
It wasn’t fair for You to be unjustly accused. You were innocent of all the things they said about You. Living in this world just isn’t fair. For anyone. Not even the Savior of the world.
I know that, too. I know You know the gut-wrenching pain of betrayal by one who said he loved You. Followed You. Ate with You. Traveled with You. Even lived with You at times. Wow!
You really have been where I am now. You understand.
It hurts, doesn’t it, Jesus?
People can be so cruel.
So, what happens next?
Nothing? Did You say nothing?
How can I do nothing? I have so much to do.. So much to plan. Wait! He’s gone! Okay. I have to find a place to live. Oh, I’m going to need a better job. Ohhhh, no! How am I going to separate yyyeeeaaarrrsss of credit, checking accounts, taxes…?
It’s too much! Just way too much.
What?
Okay. Another deep breath.
Jesus?
I’m scared.
I’ve never been without him. He’s everything to me. How will I live without him? Well, maybe he’ll come back. He just needs time to realize it’s me he truly loves. He can’t possibly love another.
Oh. He’s not? He’s not coming back? Ever?
But why?
Oh, Jesus! I can’t take this. My heart feels like it’s in a million pieces. How can I go on?
And what about this pain? It doesn’t stop. It’s there all.the.time. Please make it stop.
But why do I have to feel it?
To be healed from it. Right. I guess that makes sense.
Ummm, Jesus? How long? How long is this going to take? It just hurts so much.
Yes, I trust You.
Oh, I think I’m going to feel this way forever!
Okay. Maybe not forever.
I will wait with You. I will rest in Your loving shadow. I will wait until it’s time to take the next step. However long it takes. It’s You and me. And I’m okay.
Yes. I love the Psalms. David’s thoughts and feelings express my own heart quite well. He’s my favorite.
“How precious is Your mercy, God!
And the sons of mankind take refuge in the shadow of Your wings.”~ Psalm 36:7 NASB
I feel like I need to stretch. Is it okay for me to stretch, Jesus?
That felt so good. It’s like I’m outgrowing this space.
Okay. What was that?
I heard something crack with that stretch.
There! I heard it again!
Something is breaking free.
What is it, Jesus?
What is happening?
YES! This scripture has been going over and over in my mind for several weeks!
“Behold, I am doing a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert.”~ Psalm 43:19 ESV
I can see light above me, Jesus! How long have we been here together?
That long? I would’ve never guessed it’s been over two years since starting our journey.
I know I wouldn’t have made it without You. You have shown me that You are so much more than I ever could have imagined. All my life, I’ve kept You in a box of sorts. Please forgive me. In my finite mind, I limited who You truly are and what You can do with just a single thought. You have moved mountains and made things happen in my favor that should not have happened. I’ve seen You approve loans with negative income and make checking account deposits I was told would never happen. I’ve seen You use Your own style of math that makes my limited income stretch further than it should. I’ve seen You make a way where there wasn’t one. Not just once but over and over and over! Thank You just doesn’t seem like enough to express the emotion contained in my heart.
Oh, how I love You!
You are my Constant Companion. You are my Friend. You are my King. You are my Life!
You hold me in Your hands. You cover me under Your shadow and I am complete. You are ever so much more than enough!
I praise You for the crushing!
I praise You for the pain!
I praise You for the brokenness!
I praise You for the tears!
I praise You for every negative, hurtful thing the enemy wanted to destroy me with because You have turned it around and, in return, given me beauty for the ashes.
The light is getting brighter.
I think I need to stretch again.
Did You just say what I think You did?
I’m ready?
Wow?
Wow!
Wow.
I’m looking forward to this new season with You. Even if it’s just You and me for the rest of my earthly existence, I’m okay.
As long as we’re together, I’m content and complete!
Yes, Jesus. I do. I remember the parable from Mark 4.
Your kingdom is like this: A farmer went out and planted his field then went away. As the days went by, the seeds grew and grew, even though the farmer did not know how. All he did was put seeds in the dirt, covered them up, and gave them water. Being in the dirt does something to that little seed and stirs something inside it. The seed starts to change from the inside out. It’s outer shell breaks and gets pushed away. Roots begin to grow down to give the plant a strong foundation. All by itself, it sprouts and grows tall; first the green stem, then the head on the stalk, then the fully developed grain inside the head. But when the grain is ripe, the farmer immediately cuts it down for the harvest has come.
~ Personal Paraphrase of Mark 4:26-29
Is that what’s been happening to me? This whole time?
Oh! I see it now! It’s all becoming so clear!
The light? The Light is You!
Jesus! You are the Light in the darkness!
I had to experience the darkness of rejection and betrayal so You could pick me up and set me apart. You found a very special place and planted me here. Me, Your little child. Me, Your beautiful and beloved seed. You planted me under Your shadow to give me time to heal.
When all I could see was darkness, You were there as the Light I could sense. When I was alone and couldn’t see You, You were there because I could feel You holding me. When I didn’t think I could bear the pain any longer, You were there because I could feel the relief of Your gentle touch. When it was quiet, You were there because I could hear You rejoicing over me with singing.
It all makes sense now, Jesus.
Her delight is in God’s ways and she meditates on His word. She is like a consistent and steady tree, firmly planted by a stream of water, that will produce her fruit in its time; in its season. Her leaves never wither and whatever she does will come to maturity.
~ Personal Paraphrase of Psalm 1:2-3a
Whatever is next, I trust You.
Whatever is next, I am content.
Look, Jesus! We’re above the dirt now! My roots are deep in You and I no longer fear the darkness. You have blessed me with breakthrough!
You are my Refuge.
You are my Deliverer.
You are my Foundation.
With You, I am planted.
Completely loved and completely adored.
Completely forgiven and completely Yours.
But when the grain is ripe, the farmer immediately cuts it down for the harvest has come. ~ Mark 4:29b
Is it time, Jesus?
For the harvest?
Is that why You planted me here?
Thank You, Jesus!
I’m forever grateful!
I’m ready now, Jesus!
Oh, wow! That’s a good one! I love it! I think I’ll write that one down.
On your mark!
Get set!
GROW!!!
“Jesus said, ‘Truly, truly I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.
The one who loves his life loses it, and the one who hates his life in this world will keep it to eternal life. If anyone serves Me, he must follow Me; and where I am, there My servant will be also; if anyone serves Me, the Father will honor him.'”
~ John 12:24-26 NASB
