Hindsight

Hindsight is 20/20.

Never before has this phrase been more poignant in my life until now.

God has done a mighty healing work in my heart over the past few weeks. While I do not regret my choice to marry a man I barely knew at the age of 19, my eyes have been opened to many things that should have been obvious over the years but were not. Until now.

I am beginning to have some of my why’s answered. I asked God why for so long and never received answers. Now I know why. Simply put, I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t strong enough nor healed enough to handle them. So, I surrendered my why to God and left it in His hands. I knew He’d reveal the answers in His time. Since then, I have learned many things and God has allowed more truth to be revealed that go so much deeper than just why. He’s showing me the whole picture, little by little, and it’s all making more sense than ever before.

The Holy Spirit has been bringing a scripture to the forefront of my mind for some time now. It’s one I’m sure I heard at every youth conference or youth camp I attended during my teenage years. It must have been an important one to hide in my heart because there seemed to be a lot of emphasis made about it whenever teenagers were gathered together.

This scripture is found in the book of 2 Corinthians; chapter 6; verse 14a:

“Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers.”

These eight, seemingly simple, words are more powerful than I once thought.

I cannot tell you how many times this scripture was drilled into my head as a teenager. And, being a teenager, I thought I had this scripture all figured out. Don’t date or marry a non-Christian. Right? Right. Pretty easy. Just don’t do it. Even though this scripture was emphasized over and over and over, no one ever said what to do if the person you’re dating or planning to marry LIES about their relationship with Jesus? What if they say and do all the right things? What if they tell you what they want you to hear because they have a different agenda for pursuing the relationship? What if they pretend and appear to be something they are not and you don’t see it?

In hindsight…

The reason I never heard that part at any youth gathering I attended is because there’s no way to prepare for it. How do you prepare for someone to lie to you?

I certainly didn’t know how.

I’m thankful God has a perfect time for everything and doesn’t reveal our entire life to us all at once. The sheer magnitude the myriad of emotion it would create within us would probably be enough to make our heart stop. Or when something negative or painful presented itself, we’d take steps to keep from experiencing it. I know I would be guilty of trying to manipulate the events I didn’t like. And I’m willing to bet, you would be, too.

God loves us too much to ever put us into that kind of situation. He knows us so intimately and knows when we’re ready for each event, each season in our life and, if we allow Him, He will be our perfect Guide. However, there have been times I’ve run out ahead of Him, trying to fix things to somehow make situations conform to my will; only to be upset and disappointed even more than I would have been had I chosen to let Him be in the lead in the first place. Has anyone else, besides me, been guilty of that?

Are you a planner? I can, most assuredly, answer that question in the affirmative. The calendar I carry in my purse is covered with sticky notes, reminding me to write the reminders written on them onto my calendar! Who else can relate?

Did you know that God is a planner, too? He says it very plainly in Jeremiah 29:11…

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.”

I’m sure most of you have heard this scripture at some point in your life and I know it’s been the senior quote in more than a few yearbooks. But, I truly wonder how many read the verses following it? Verses 12 & 13 go on to say this.

“Then you will call on Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.”

I don’t believe verse 11 should ever be quoted without 12 & 13 following it! Without them, you miss the entire meaning. God definitely has a plan but we must call on Him in prayer and, in return, He promises to listen. His plan will be revealed when we seek Him. When we ask Him about His plan for our lives. Somehow I don’t think this means to come up with a plan we like, expect God to comply, and call it good. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve come up with my own agenda then asked God to bless it. And you know what? That method failed every.single.time. We need to seek His heart with all our heart. How can He show us where to go, what to say, who to date, or even who to marry unless we talk to Him about it with a contrite heart and no ulterior motive? God knows the intent of our heart. He knows our motives. We are an open book to Him. And if we come to Him with our own ideas and our own agenda, we’ll end up disappointed every time.

Like most little girls, I dreamed about my wedding day. Not only did I dream about it, I took it a step further by fastening a sheet over my head then practiced walking down the aisle. In the day and time I was little, it seemed everyone’s goal was to graduate from high school, get married, and have kids. With role models like June Cleaver and Marion Cunningham, how could I not want a life such as they had? The only career path for me was that of being a wife and mother. It’s all I ever wanted.

Having grown up in a Christian home, I guess some would categorize me as being sheltered. Perhaps I was but I certainly didn’t feel that way. My parents weren’t strict although they did have a few guidelines when it came to dating. I had to be at least 16 and I wasn’t allowed to go to dances. I must confess, there was one time I spent the weekend with a friend, and she talked me in to going to a school dance but once there, I was completely miserable. First, because I’d disobeyed my parents and second, I realized I wasn’t missing anything. It was horrible. I never went to another.

I didn’t have a pull towards the world, and I didn’t struggle with it as other kids my age seemed to. I didn’t care about being popular or fitting in or having a lot of friends. I loved Jesus and I didn’t care who knew it. I was who I was and didn’t pretend to be anything other than who God created me to be. I had one best friend, Tami. She loved me just because of who I was not what I was. I was (and still am) her Jenny. No pressure or judgement ever and she would never even think about trying to talk me into doing something I was uncomfortable with. Never.

My childhood was pretty much carefree. I played in the creek on my pappy’s farm and caught salamanders as pets. I was always barefoot, climbed trees, built forts, made mud pies, and rode my bike. As I grew older, I started writing poetry and short stories. I would take long walks in the woods by our house and talk to God as I did. I picked wild blackberries for my mom to make jam and spent hours on my grandma’s front porch snapping peas and churning butter. One of my fondest memories was sitting with my grandparents, next to their wood stove in their little red farmhouse. I can still hear my pappy’s voice, my grandma’s laughter, and smell the wood burning in the stove. My dad was a cabinet builder by trade and he and mom worked very hard to provide for me and my three siblings. They didn’t have a lot of money, but we had everything we needed. A roof over our head, food in our tummy’s, clothes on our bodies, and shoes on our feet. I was very blessed. I never felt poor. I always felt I had everything I needed.

I didn’t consider myself a pretty girl and never did I ever picture myself winning a beauty contest. I was plain, wore glasses, and had crooked teeth. I didn’t have the latest popular fashions; most of my clothes were hand-me-downs given to us by a family in our church and I was thankful to have them. I didn’t have many boyfriends. There were a few boys at church who, I guess, could technically have been called my boyfriends, but really were just someone to hold hands with during the worship service.

I dated one guy right out of high school for a month. He worked with my brother-in-law and I knew very little about him. He had a nice car and was obsessed with the rock band, Journey. He came over to my house a few times but that was about the extent of it. He broke up with me when he wanted to take the relationship to the next “level”, and I would not. His excuse was “I was too good for him” and he “didn’t deserve a girl like me”.

Hindsight…

He was right!

The next guy I dated, I married.

Although in hindsight, it should be…

The next guy, I married then dated. (Much more accurate!)

I was shocked that a guy 9 years older than myself would even give me the time of day. Ironically, my first impression was I thought him to be arrogant, loud, and I did not like him at all.

Hindsight…

When he asked for my address and phone number after church that Sunday morning in October of 1982, I should’ve refused. Everything within me was telling me not to engage this guy. I was already a little put off by him as he’d practically taken over the Sunday School hour with all his Army stories. I’d only seen him from a distance but when he approached me in the parking lot, my heart jumped into my throat and I could barely breathe. He was so handsome, had the most beautiful eyes, and knew just what to say to make me feel like I was the only girl in the world. He was a smooth talker and the attention he was showing, touched a longing inside of me I was desperate for. To be seen. I was smitten. And, yes, I gave him my address and phone number.

He was stationed with the Army in Texas so we spent a few months corresponding via phone calls and handwritten letters, which is practically unheard of in today’s world. Hearing his voice over the phone was soothing to me and I was happy that he took time to call but the only thing he ever asked me about was how much weight I had lost. Then the conversation would go right back to focusing on him. There was even one time he called and I begged my mom to tell him I wasn’t home. She didn’t do it because that’s just not in my mom’s character. (I love you, Mom! Thank you for always setting the right example.) I was torn. I didn’t know if I liked him or the attention. There was an underlying feeling that something wasn’t right but that desperate need to be seen was starting to cancel out the negative feelings I kept having. I felt myself falling for him and I didn’t know why.

He came home on leave for ten days in December and we spent them together. I don’t remember a lot of details though. The main thing that comes to mind is Christmas Day. The tradition in his family was for every present to be opened one at a time with everyone else watching. When it was my turn, he handed me a small box. Knowing all eyes were focused on me, I was very nervous. I opened the box and saw the most beautiful diamond earrings. I was so surprised when I saw them, I quietly asked him if they were real. He laughed loudly and said, “Of course they’re real!” Then everyone laughed. I felt completely stupid and so embarrassed. His whole family had just witnessed my naïveté. To this day, I don’t know if he was offended by the question or if he thought it was endearing. I’d never been given diamonds before. How was I to know if they were real or not? I don’t even know why I asked such a question. Perhaps it was because I was so overwhelmed with the extravagance, I just wanted to be sure.

Hindsight…

I’m sitting here, 37 years later, with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat. That single memory pinpoints the exact time I lost the carefree, country girl I was and I had absolutely no idea she had just exited the room. That’s when the wall came up and I started guarding my heart. That’s when I stopped sharing how I really felt. That’s when I lost my voice. That’s when my mind created the escape route. A metaphorical storage file in my mind. I knew I had to have a hidden place to cut and paste the pain I felt in my heart so I could control it. If it was filed away, I could forget about it. I didn’t like the way that laughter made me feel. That whole scene was a foreshadowing of what my life was to become.

When his leave was over, he returned to Texas.

Three days later, he called and asked me to marry him. I didn’t even hesitate with my answer!

On the day of the wedding, I awoke to pouring down rain. I didn’t mind the rain though; I was going to be married to the “man of my dreams” and I was excited.  The church was full, the candles were lit and glowing beautifully. There I was, a young girl of nineteen, standing at the back of the church, holding onto my dad’s arm, all ready for my grand entrance into the sanctuary to see my groom, and make our covenant together. When the music started to crescendo, I started walking toward the front. About halfway down the aisle, I realized his uncle had chosen a rather peppy song, that sounded very much like the theme to the Barnum and Bailey circus. By the time I reached the front, the circus sounds had transitioned into the old hymn Grace Greater Than Our Sin. Not exactly what I had dreamed about all those “little-girl” years before!

Hindsight…

Once again. Cut and paste. Open file. Save file. Close window. Let it go.

That’s what I did my entire marriage. Every disappointment, every hurt, every pain, every event that wasn’t supposed to be this way, went into that metaphorical file in my mind. 

What was I thinking? I married a man I barely knew. I knew very little about his past and, more importantly, knew nothing about his relationship with Jesus. Did he even have one? What did my parents think? Would I let one of my daughter’s do what I did? Did I just want him to be the one? Did I just assume he was a believer because his dad was a pastor and he went to church most of his life? What? Really? He never mentioned a salvation experience nor did I ever ask him to share it with me. Why didn’t I ask him? It was the most important quality I desired in my husband and I didn’t even ask about it!

But knowing what I know now, he would’ve just lied about it anyway.

I was deceived and used from the very beginning.

I truly believe I was so desperate to be loved and in love with “being in love”, I wanted him to be the right one. He was handsome, charming, a smooth talker, and he said he loved me. He became my entire world. I placed him above all others and everything in my life. I believed everything he told me. I had no reason to doubt him. He was my husband and he was my life. I was marked and he controlled me. 

But we didn’t fit.

Our relationship was like trying to force a puzzle piece into the wrong place. You can definitely force the wrong piece into the place you desire it to be but what is the result? There may be gaps in the overall picture and possibly tension from being pushed into a place it doesn’t belong. There is only one place each piece can fit. Each one is precisely cut to fit in the exact place the creator designed it for. On the surface, it looks like the perfect match but brought into the light, you can see the places that just don’t fit.

What would’ve happened had God told me ahead of time this was written into my story? I can tell you right now, I wouldn’t have married him. Who would sign up for that kind of deceit and heartbreak knowing about it ahead of time? What would’ve happened had God told me my story would have a happy ending but I had to go through years of narcissistic control and trauma and abuse to get there? I’m thinking I wouldn’t agree to sign up for a life such as that. Who would? That’s why I’m thankful God holds each of my days in His hand and doesn’t make them privy to me. He knows which ones I would choose and which ones I would avoid. It just might be the ones I avoided, would be the very ones I needed the most to make my life turn out the best.

Hindsight…

There were so many times over the years I compromised my own convictions to please him. It went against everything within me and felt so wrong but he was the head of our home and I listened to what he said. His method of flattery didn’t wane over time; he just got better at it. He knew what to say and exactly how to say it to make me feel like it was a good idea and, at times, even my idea. He also had the ability to shift the blame for something he’d done and make me feel like it was my fault. What was worse, I couldn’t defend myself against him. By the time the gaslighting was over, I was worn out, confused, and couldn’t think straight. He’d go back to being his charming, life-of-the-party, self and I was questioning whether or not I had imagined what had just happened. He was so good at it, there were times, for example, if we were at some kind of event or party, all he had to do was give me a look, a hand gesture, or use body language to let me know I was not to speak, he’d had enough, or it was time to go. Eventually, he didn’t even tell me about events he had at work because he didn’t want me to attend. I wasn’t sure if he was just embarrassed by me or if I made it harder for him to be the person he truly was. I’m convinced now it was both. 

I was not imagining anything that went on in our marriage. Everything I suspected was true. And God was showing me signs and giving me hints to his true nature to prepare me for what He was about to reveal. He would call me “baby” one minute and the next, he’d be telling our kids how “toxic” I was. 

A few months before I found out about his affair and his double life, all the kids were at the house one evening for a barbecue. I had taken some dirty dishes into the kitchen to put in the sink to be washed later. There was a window over the sink that looked out over the patio where everyone was gathered. As I looked up, I saw him sitting in a chair, with his head thrown back in raucous laughter, and a cold shiver raced down my spine then I heard in my heart, “You’re unequally yoked.”

At first, I was caught a little off guard and I remember backing up and bumping into the counter behind me. I just stood there going over and over what I heard the Spirit whisper to me. I hadn’t heard those words used since high school and it was abundantly clear. The Spirit was forewarning me of what was to come. He was preparing me for the discovery of many, many hurtful things my former spouse did against me. Things he had no remorse over. Things he felt “justified” in doing.

Hindsight…

I remember that evening as if it were yesterday. That was the event that cracked the code in my mind to access the files that had been stored away for years. But even then, I had no idea those metaphorical files even existed but God did!

From that night on, the Spirit started bringing events from the past to my mind that either didn’t make sense or didn’t match the story I’d been given. God was creating an escape route for me but not one in my mind to store the pain. He was creating an escape route to stop the pain!! He was preparing me for the end of my marriage and, I can testify with every ounce of my being, it.was.painful. I can honestly tell you it was the worst experience of my life.

To realize and to accept the one person who is supposed to love you the most, in fact, never loved you at all, is excruciating. He did not love me. Not when he asked me to marry him. Not when we were married. Not when I chose him over everything and everyone else in my life. Not when our three beautiful children we born. Not when I followed him all over the world for his career in the Army. Not when each one of our five precious grandchildren were born. Not on the day he walked away and left me a sobbing heap on our kitchen floor. He did not love me. Not ever.

He did not choose me. His dad did.

Hindsight…

His dad knew his son had walked away from God and away from church when he was 19 years old. He also knew, his only son, was now 28 years old and knew he wanted a family. As a concerned father, he wanted his son to marry a Godly woman and perhaps, be an influence in his life to get him to turn his heart back to God. I always thought it a privilege I was the only woman he’d ever introduced his son to. His mom set him up lots of times but this was the only time his dad did. However, his son did not choose me and yet, he married me anyway. I don’t know the details of how or when he decided to ask me to marry him. I know he valued his dad’s advice and I assume he thought it would be good for him. He truly fooled me. He’d grown up in church and knew all the right things to say. He knew how to wear the mask very well. But wearing a mask and acting like a Christian, does not change your heart. Only Jesus can change your heart.

When I met him, he was a young man away from God. When I married him, he was still the same young man away from God. When I divorced him, he was still the same old man away from God. Marrying me did not change him. I’ll never forget what he said to me right before he walked out of our home for the last time. “I’m tired of pretending.” 

He played an abusive game with a woman he did not love to get the family he said he desired then completely discarded. I found out later it’s the only reason he married me. I knew there was something wrong with a 28-year-old Army officer wanting to get to know a 19-year-old poor little country girl. He was getting older, he wanted kids, had no other prospects, other than the one woman his dad introduced him to, so he probably thought, why not. 

Unequally yoked.

Those two powerful words changed the entire course of my life. No, I didn’t know I was being lied to or being used back in 1982 but God did. Yes, there were signs and yes, I had doubts about his relationship with Jesus but when you’re in the middle of life, having kids, going to work, and paying bills, it’s real easy to just file it away in your mind and let it go. Can anyone relate?

Plus, in hindsight…

I couldn’t…no, I wouldn’t let myself believe I married the wrong person. That I was unequally yoked. I made excuses for him in my mind. Somehow the years pass and it just gets easier to let go of the snide remarks or the looks that cut you to your soul. You file them into the metaphorical file in your mind and you drive on. Besides, I’d made a vow, a covenant, with him before God and I couldn’t get away from that. I was waiting for God to heal my marriage and would’ve stayed with him forever in that dysfunctional state but God had a different plan. I had been earnestly praying, seeking God’s plan with my whole heart because I didn’t want a divorce. I loved him and wanted to grow old with him. But God had a different plan. God had to reveal his adultery so I’d know he’d broken our covenant. Not to give him an easy way out but so I could walk away knowing I did everything I could to save our marriage and that I’d honored our vows. He’s such a good, good Father. Even after I knew about the affair, I wanted to work to save our marriage but, at that point, he had what he wanted. God had brought his sin into the light and it was easy for him to walk away. He didn’t love me so he really had nothing to lose. He walked away from me without even as much as a glance back. 

God has placed a sense of urgency in my heart to share this part of my story with you. I know my words have been long but this is so important. I don’t know who this is for but my heart is so burdened for you. If you have a personal relationship with Jesus and you’re dating or are in a relationship with someone who doesn’t, please carefully ponder these things I’ve poured out to you. Meditate on them, search your heart, then take your concerns to the One who loves you more than any other possibly could and talk to Him about them. Don’t just assume this person you’re with loves Jesus and has a personal relationship with Him just because they say and do all the right things. And don’t buy into the enemy’s lie that you can change him (or her) once you’re married. It does not work! I urge you to carefully examine your heart and seek God’s. He’s promised to listen. When I was a teenager, topics like this were mentioned but we didn’t have websites or blogs to log onto. We weren’t able to type a word into a search engine and have someone else’s story pop up; to read or to hear real life experiences of what really happens if you make the wrong choice. Even if you were lied to. And, if your story is similar to mine or you’re married to someone who doesn’t personally know Jesus, do not despair. God can absolutely do what may seem like the impossible to you. Keep praying. Keep seeking after God’s heart and His plan for your life. But, please remember this one important part that I did not learn until it was too late. You absolutely CANNOT be someone else’s Holy Spirit. You cannot change someone’s heart. Trust me, sweet friend, I’ve been there. I tried over and over and over to get him to see how amazing it is to love Jesus. That to completely surrender your heart and life to Him is the only way to be free. I struggled with it for 35 years and was heartbroken over and over when he’d seemingly make a change for the better then a week later, go back to his old habits and patterns. All the talking and pleading doesn’t work. They can only change when the Holy Spirit draws them, they realize they’re a sinner, need Jesus more than anything else in this life, believe the blood Jesus shed through His sacrificial death on the cross cleanses from sin, and ask Him or forgiveness. That is the only way it works. 

I have learned so much since I first heard those words “unequally yoked” when I was in high school. Those who don’t belong to Jesus will be known by the fruit they produce in their lives. The Bible says it this way.

“Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves. You will recognize them by their fruits. Are grapes gathered from thorn bushes, or figs from thistles? So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit. A healthy tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a diseased tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus you will recognize them by their fruits.”

~ Matthew 7:15-20 ESV

Please understand, I’m not saying that those who belong to Jesus are perfect and never say or do anything wrong. Quite the contrary. True Christians are just sinners saved by grace and make mistakes and fail just like everyone does but there is a difference. The difference is when a true Christian makes a mistake or wrongs someone, the Holy Spirit within them will convict their heart and won’t leave them alone until the wrong is made right. Your heart will know that something is very different about how this person acts. You will see the fruit of what is inside their heart. On the other hand, someone who does not have Holy Spirit dwelling within them, may be remorseful for a time, perhaps even feel guilty, and may even go so far as to apologize but there is no lasting change. As was in my case, he told me I “made him cheat”, he did not feel guilty nor was he remorseful for what he did, and he felt completely justified in having an affair and a second family because he “just wanted to be happy”.

This may sound a bit strange but I am thankful for those 35 years with my former spouse. There were a lot of painful times and some lessons learned the hard way but every single one, God used to form me into the person I am today. I am stronger, braver, and more in love with Jesus than ever before. He is showing me the person I was, the one I lost at 19, as well as showing me who He created me to be. I am thankful for my children and my grandchildren who bless my life every single day. I am thankful for the job He blessed me with and for a home that is my sanctuary from the world. He’s given me back my family and my best friend, who were kept from me for years. What the enemy tried to use to destroy me, God has given back to me in abundance and I am thankful.

Instead of reasons, He gave me reality.

Instead of excuses, He gave me experiences.

Instead of hesitation, He gave me hindsight.

I am thankful for understanding the significance of events after they have occurred.

In hindsight…

He has shown me insight to His-sight and I am thankful.