Finding Jenny

But then, I wonder, how do you prepare yourself for heart-wrenching pain? How do you prepare your mind to wrap itself around something so grievous?

But You were not caught unawares.

You knew it would happen. You saw it before I was even born.

I’m sure it weighed heavy on Your heart. As it would any loving Father. You watched me grow up, knowing the pain and heartache that was ahead for me. But yet, You saw the other side. You saw the lessons I’d learn. You saw the battles I’d win in Your name, even though the enemy fought hard against me.

Born a month late, with a heart murmur, the doctor said I wouldn’t make it to my six-week check up. He was wrong. By the time I’d reached that milestone, the hole in my heart had healed.

It was You.

There were two years of wild, midnight rides to the hospital ER. Held within my momma’s arms, as she watched my face turn deeper shades of blue, and my daddy running every red light and stop sign, praying he’d make it in time. I know they were terrified. As any parent would be, feeling helpless, rushing their small child to find a doctor to aid in getting oxygen to fill my lungs so my face would return to its natural color.

It’s a miracle I don’t have brain damage.

I remember the time the window above the bathtub came crashing down on me and my oldest sister. Had I been sitting in any other spot in the tub, the glass would’ve cut through my jugular vein and I probably wouldn’t have made it to the hospital. But You were there. You either moved me or the falling window to protect my life. Again.

When I started to elementary school, I was a small, frail child. I didn’t weigh much more than a minute, as some would say. I recall a period of time when I wasn’t able to keep any food down. It didn’t matter what I ate. Within minutes, it would come back up. I was losing weight every day. I don’t remember being told what caused it. I don’t know if I just grew out of it or if You healed me. I like to believe it was the latter. Once again, Your hand on my life.

Eventually, all of the sickness I’d suffered as a young child seemed to be over but reflecting back on it now, the enemy had lost that battle but was preparing for war.

As an elementary school girl, my days were spent catching salamanders in the creek, climbing trees, building forts, making mud pies, and splashing in puddles after a spring rain. The country always smelled so fresh after a good rain and it, mixed with the smoke from my Pappy’s fire stove, made for precious memories I still carry in my heart.

You and I both know I wasn’t popular in junior high or high school, nor did I care to be. There were some who made fun of me for not having the latest fashion trends or for wearing clothes my mom had made for me. I did have a few friends I spent time with who accepted me for who I was. But they were like me, outcasts…but that didn’t matter to me either. I was just different. I had different values and didn’t care if those around agreed with me or not.

You were an outcast, too, so I considered myself in great company. The beat of my heart was You. Still is. All I ever wanted was to please You. Still do.

I was fairly quiet, for the most part. I do not recall being a loud person nor did I ever desire to be the center of attention. I was a loner; a thinker. However, the beliefs I held within my heart were deep ones and knew if I were ever to be challenged on them, I’d fight.

It was 1981. I was a Senior in high school. I had two classes that were required for me to pass in order to graduate. One was a science class, that focused on evolution and the other, some type of Social Studies course about lifestyles. Knowing I had to pass these in order to receive my diploma was a little disconcerting, as even just the names of these courses stirred something within me. Somehow, I knew I would have to take a stand in each of them.

I recall sitting through that science class, disagreeing with everything the teacher was saying about how the world came into being. At first, it made me angry that You were completely disregarded and were never acknowledged as Creator. I knew the truth but clearly, all the teacher was concerned with was getting through the lecture and distributing the assignment. After class, I remember approaching his desk and challenging him on his lecture. He told me I wouldn’t pass unless I participated and turned in my homework. It was then I felt You stirring something within me, then You impressed something on my heart. I went to class, listened to him speak untruth, and I did turn in my homework. However, before each answered question, I wrote this, “The book says the following…”and, from time to time, the margins were filled with scripture. My teacher never mentioned anything to me about it but I had shared truth. You enabled me to take a stand, I wrote Your truth in the margins of my assignment, and I passed.

The Social Studies class was a different experience all together. It wasn’t unusual to watch videos or documentaries on controversial subjects. The premise of the course was to “ready us” for the outside world. While that’s all well and good, up to a certain point, I disagreed with a video series the instructor had in his lesson plan for the week. As the video began, I felt a stirring, like the one I had in science class, but this one was a little different. I knew this time, my stand would be more demonstrative. While I do not recall the title of the series, I do know it had something to do with the subject of sexual orientation. While I know I am certainly not anyone’s judge for the choices one makes in their own life, I am responsible for the choices I make in my own. I heard You quietly telling me I could not sit in that room and watch, nor listen to, the content of the video. You told me to gather my books, stand to my feet, and quietly exit the room. I recall my heart pounding so violently inside my chest, I thought it must have been heard across the room. I sat there for a moment as I felt frozen to my chair. But, once again, You whispered for me to exit the room. It was then I felt Your strength within me. I stood to my feet, picked up my books, and quietly exited the room. When the door had closed behind me, I found myself just standing there, in an empty hallway. Now what? I think I expected the teacher to come after me but he didn’t. I didn’t quite know what to do next. I’d never done anything like that before. It was freeing. It was then my feet began leading me toward the front office. I was an aide there the last class period of the day and the secretary’s liked me. When I walked in, they were surprised I was there so early but when I told them why, they invited me to sit down and wait for the bell to ring. They asked me no questions. Just provided a place of refuge.

Refuge.

You are my Refuge.

I truly expected to be ridiculed for what I’d done or, at the very least, to hear gossip being spread around about me. However, what did happen surprised me and I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.

When the bell rang, I left the office and went to my locker to gather what I needed for my next class. Our student body president, John, was the handsome, popular guy, who played every sport. He was one of the few guys in my class who actually talked to me. We had formed a bond when I started teasing him about his attempt to grow a beard. He was a good friend. He’d been in the Social Studies class that day so he witnessed what had taken place. His locker was near mine and I noticed him out of the corner of my eye. He began walking towards me and I braced myself for what he might say as he passed by. Only he didn’t pass by; he stopped. It was then I heard him say, just above a whisper, “What you did today was very brave. A lot of us felt exactly the same way you did and wanted to walk out, too, but we didn’t. You took a stand and I respect you for that.” That was it. Nothing was ever said about it again. No ridicule and no whispers. My grade in that class didn’t even suffer. I passed with an A.

That was You. You knew taking a stand like that would be respected and the enemy would not win that one.

Thinking back on that event now, I believe it was then You began teaching me the importance of obedience. To believe You and to trust You, even without understanding why, is what You were impressing on my heart. Although that event seemed relatively easy, with no repercussions, somehow I knew being obedient could eventually cost me. I didn’t know when or where or even what but I knew that one day, my choice to obey Your still, small voice, would cost me everything.

There are so many things on my heart that I want to say but don’t know how to express them. I feel them overflowing within me yet, the words fail to reach my tongue. There is an urgency in my soul that wants so badly to express what You mean to me but I feel so inadequate to describe it. It’s as if there aren’t enough words in the English language to properly convey my heart for You. I want to share all You’ve done for me and what You’re teaching me.

How to listen. How to wait. How to watch. How to love. How to live. How to grieve. How to hope. How to trust. How to obey. How to dream. How to persevere. How to forgive. How to let go. How to be still. How to work. How to walk. How to run. How to sing. How to balance. How to rest. How to proclaim. How to endure. How to witness. How to be.

You flow in and through me, though sometimes without words. Sometimes it’s an urging in my soul. Sometimes it’s a thought in my mind. Sometimes it’s an impression in my heart. And sometimes, it’s actual sight for my eyes.

You’ve taught me how to find simple delight in watching the birds flitter about in my backyard and to realize that, not only are You my Provider, You are my Provision.

You’ve taught me to find joy in simple acts of love such as my son bringing me a chocolate milkshake just because he knows it will make me happy.

You’ve blessed my heart with overwhelming peace when the monthly bill total far exceeds my income yet, somehow every bill gets paid and on time. Your math still doesn’t make sense to me but it doesn’t have to. I trust You completely.

You’ve given me a home that exudes love, peace, and protection from the outside world. Which is tangibly felt each time I walk through the door. Others have felt it as well so I know it’s not just something I imagine or want to feel.

You have, very purposefully, placed a covering over me.

But I know it hasn’t always been this way.

I haven’t always been so in tune with You.

As a teenager, I really struggled with knowing how to find Your will for my life. “You need to know God’s will for your life.” was proclaimed from every pulpit in every church I was in. It was the topic of many youth conferences I attended. It was the discussion of many a youth Bible study I’d been part of and I believe it was even discussed at church camp a few times.

But I always had one question that no one seemed to be able to answer.

How?

It’s possible that no one knew how to answer that question for themselves so how could they possibly answer it for me?  The word from the pulpit always told us what we needed to do or what we should do but never how to do.

Looking back on that now, I should’ve dug deep into Your word and found the answer for myself. But I didn’t. I read Your word all the time but never really studied it like I should have. I had a real fear of some scripture because I really didn’t understand them and some interpretations from others of their meaning didn’t help. Then to be told I needed to find Your will made it seem like it was something I had to do to please You. Then when all I did was find myself being worried over it, it made me feel as if I’d failed You in some way. I agonized over it then convinced myself that agonizing was like praying about it. (I couldn’t have been more wrong.) It was just easier to say that so I didn’t have to admit I had no clue how to find it, as if it were something tangible I could hold in my hand.

I truly believe I wasn’t the only one who agonized over things I was told I had to do as a Christian. It was like there were certain events that needed to be checked off an invisible list to say I’d done my Christian duty that week. There wasn’t a lot of emphasis on grace by faith being the way of salvation. It was definitely mentioned but once you “came forward” and “got saved”, it seemed like it was more about how many things were done to prove to others you were saved; such as making sure I was always in Sunday School. Or ensuring I was on time for Training Union or I made it back for Wednesday night prayer meeting.

It felt like the things I was told I had to do to prove how dedicated I was to You, were more important that actually being with You!

No wonder I spent my teenage years worrying about whether or not You loved me. I couldn’t always make it to training union or to Wednesday night prayer meeting. Then I’d spend the next Sunday trying to avoid those who would question me as to why I wasn’t there! It was as if there was an unwritten rule that said as long as you were in church every time the doors were open and everything looked good to the outside world, all was well. As long as you looked like the perfect Christian family, that was the important thing. It didn’t matter if your dad had an anger problem or if your sister was raped by a relative or if you were verbally or physically abused by your husband.

“You must keep all of those things secret…no one must ever know…after all, you sing in the choir…your dad’s a deacon…your mom’s a Sunday school teacher…your grandma’s on the welcome committee…you must keep up appearances”. That was the mantra of the day.

And all complete lies from the enemy!

Oh, Jesus! I know that breaks Your heart because it breaks mine! I spent years believing I had to do things to please You then agonizing over it when I’d fail because it’s impossible to do! Having a relationship with You isn’t about works at all! It’s not about the things we do or how we dress or how we look to others. And yet there are still so many who believe this lie from the enemy.

I have been in church my entire life and, as such, it becomes very easy to almost feel “Grandfathered” into God’s Kingdom. Then, after the enemy has planted that seed in your mind, it doesn’t take long for him to start watering it, and before you know it, it’s full grown and you’ve spent 40 years believing it! That’s what happened to me. I spent 40 years not knowing who I was in my relationship with You because of a lie the enemy planted and because of the religious fear that was instilled in me as a child.

I know I am accountable for knowing Your word for myself and I make no excuse nor do I blame anyone. I own it completely, as it all makes sense to me now. It certainly explains much of the anxiety I let control me over the years.

As I think back on my life, the sickness and accidents as a young child, the stands made in high school, and even my choice of the man I married, I absolutely know You were there. You watched over me, covered me, and protected me because You knew the day would come when I’d realize #1, it’s not about religion and keeping up appearances; it’s about relationship. And #2, it’s not about some unwritten or unspoken rule that says you have to do this or that to be loved by You; nor is it about striving or stressing or securing Your acceptance so You don’t zap me off the face of the earth!

No, No, NO NO NO!

That’s another lie straight from the enemy! We know he’s a liar. Your word calls him “the master of deception and the father of lies”. (John 8:44)

Your will for my life, very simply put, is Your plan for my life. That sounds so easy. But when I was younger, it was explained as something that seemed impossible to find. It’s why “works” don’t work. It’s why Your plan is about unconditional love, unmerited favor, and grace so amazing, it’s overwhelming! 

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for Me wholeheartedly, you will find Me. ~ Jeremiah 29:11-13  NASB

You have a good and beautiful plan for me but I must choose to seek You with all that I am. It’s about having an open, willing, obedient heart. It’s about being okay if it’s just You and me. It’s about choosing You, even when it hurts. It’s about knowing You’ll always take care of me even when it feels I’ve lost everything. It’s about being obedient and trusting You with the outcome. No matter what the outcome may be.

That reminds me of the letter. I haven’t thought about that for a very long time. I wrote it to You when I was just 17. It feels like a million years ago now but I remember that night like it was yesterday.

It was the night he asked me to marry him. I had a feeling the question was coming soon and I remembered the letter. I had written it two years prior and had tucked it away in a little box on my dresser. I opened it and read it over and over. He had every single trait I had listed. He was Your best for me. I was sure of it! I knew what my answer would be. I knew Your “will” for me. He was the love of my life.

Or so I thought. Until now.

Oh, I did love him. You know how much I loved him. We were married over three decades. You blessed us with three amazing kids then blessed us again, five times over, when our grandkids were born. I really thought we were okay. At least, it’s what he kept telling me. However, since the divorce, I’ve had a lot of time to think about our life together. It wasn’t all bad; we had some good times but, overall, it really wasn’t so great.

I’ve also been thinking about the content of that letter.  The list of traits I desired in a husband that I’d written at the ripe ol’ age of 17.

How in the world did I even think I could know what I needed or even wanted in a husband at that age? Especially as naive as I was at that time. The traits I listed were completely vague. Not at all in the detail they should’ve been to be used as the catalyst to base such a huge decision on.

To be a Southern Baptist so our beliefs don’t conflict. Really? How could I have written that? I was so foolish! Oh Jesus, I got exactly what I prayed for!

And yet, as I am typing these words and calling myself foolish, You are filling my heart with overwhelming peace and comfort because that is Who You are. You are Peace. You are Comfort. You are Strength.

Oh, my soul!

That’s it!

At the time I wrote that letter, it was vague because it’s all I knew to ask for because it’s all I knew of what being in a relationship with You meant! It was vague because I didn’t know then what I know now! It was vague because I didn’t know then I’d experience anything like I have with You the past two and a half years!

I hadn’t yet experienced the agony of how it feels to be abused by a narcissist for 35 years, who was (and is) incapable of speaking truth.

I hadn’t yet experienced the gut-wrenching, heart-shattering pain that gripped me as I discovered he’d been having an affair for years with woman in Japan.

I hadn’t yet experienced what it feels like to be left a sobbing heap on the kitchen floor; to feel the overwhelming fear of abandonment when he quickly stepped over me to reach the door; only to hear him say he would ensure the driveway lights were on.

I hadn’t yet experienced the grief that tortured my heart with every beat, as I stood in an attorney’s office and watched him sign our divorce papers as effortlessly as he would if he were buying a car.

I hadn’t yet experienced the tangible, physical pain of being betrayed and rejected by the only man I’d ever loved.

At seventeen, I hadn’t yet experienced, nor was I even able to contemplate, the depth of cruelty and depravity that existed in the heart of the man I vowed my life to, who repeatedly assured me that we were “more than good, baby” and that he loved me.

Some things are only learned through personal experience.

At the time he walked away from me, I didn’t realize then it was actually You who removed him from my life. I had been hanging onto him so tightly. I was so afraid to lose the only life I’d ever known. But he had left me in his heart, many years before that day. I know now, that in order to be set free from a loveless marriage and the worldly lifestyle he’d chosen, You had to present me with that choice. You had to make me choose. You know my heart like no other. You knew I was comfortably afraid and, had You not revealed his lifestyle choices, I would’ve stayed and continued to accept his treatment of me. But You wanted so much more for me than that! You were tired of the abuse I was enduring and it was time for him to go. You knew I’d be crushed to the depth of my soul but You also knew that the crushing would be temporary and one day, I would understand why it had to happen.

At seventeen, I didn’t know what I didn’t know.

But You knew. You knew it all!

You knew on the day I vowed my life to him it would end in this way.

Oh, Jesus! I understand now. I get it. The why.

It’s why You taught me how to be obedient with something as small as walking out of a high school classroom because You knew several years down the road, I’d be faced with this choice.  A choice that would require my complete surrender, obedience, and trust, even though I wouldn’t understand why.

I had no idea when I walked out of my classroom on that day back in 1981, I’d be sitting in my living room on this day, thirty-nine years later, writing out the revelation You just birthed in my heart.

You have always pursued me. You have never left me alone. Even when I didn’t treat You as I should have, You have forever been my Companion, my Protector, and my Friend.

When You and I started on this journey together, I thought it would be to find the Jenny I left behind when I vowed my life to a man who lied to get me to marry him. I thought it would be to reconnect with and discover the Jenny I’d buried somewhere deep within my soul to protect her heart from ridicule and pain. I thought it would be to discover what was left of the old Jenny.

But it hasn’t been about that at all.

The entire journey through this season has been about You reminding me how You find Jenny!

You have been reminding who I am and, even more importantly, Whose I am!

I am Yours.

I’m still Jenny. I’m still me! I am Yours!

The disconnect, in my relationship with You, happened when I started believing the lie that I had to live up to the expectations of someone else. You didn’t move away. You never left me. It was I who moved. I was ashamed of the choices I’d made and who I had allowed myself to become. After 3 decades of being told I had to stay a certain weight to be acceptable, needed to wear certain outfits to be pleasing to his eye, and had to perform in ways that made me uncomfortable, I became estranged from the person You created me to be. It was a game and I was his puppet. On the outside, I was trying to conform to the image he had of me in his mind to make him happy. And yet, in my heart, You were at work transforming me on the inside.

I tried to ignore it. I tried to ignore Your still small voice and the work You were doing inside my heart. It worked for awhile but I was miserable.

I still remember the day. I was in my car, stopped at a red light, when Your Holy Power of conviction came over me. It was an instant choice. The obedience You had taught me in high school was still there…planted deep inside me and as much a part of my DNA as You are! I remember the tears would not stop flowing and all I said was “Yes, LORD!” and I knew what I had to do. No audible words from You. No loud thunder from the sky. Just the impression of Your nail scarred hand on my heart.

I turned around and started back to the house. I went into our room and gathered all the CD’s, DVD’s, videos and books that had become an integral part of our private life as a married couple and I destroyed them!

Once all of it was removed from the house, a sense of peace filled my heart. I chose obedience and my relationship with You had been restored.

When he came in from work that night, I told him about my encounter with You in my car and what I had done. He didn’t react as I thought he would. I thought he’d be angry but he wasn’t. He hugged me and told me he was glad I had done it.

I accepted his reaction at the time but looking back now, that was the beginning of the end.

It was shortly after this event, he found someone who would indulge his lifestyle choices and began his secret affair and second life.

I could never conform to what he wanted me to be. I tried many times and failed. He never accepted me from a physical perspective nor a spiritual one. He just wanted to change me into something I was not. I tried to become something I was not to gain acceptance and approval from a very selfish man. I allowed him, and the indulgent pleasures of this world, to take Your place in my heart. Thank You for Your relentless pursuit of my life and for the power of Your conviction. Thank You for Your complete forgiveness and restoration.

And Jesus. Thank You for teaching me the importance of obedience. I do not know what You know. You see my life from beginning to end. You know the cost of not being obedient. Thank You for the precious gift of Your still, small voice.

Obedience is costly sometimes. It hurts. Sometimes it costs us everything. It cost You Your life. But You also knew Your obedience would lead to this moment in my life right now. It was Your obedience that enables me to have a personal relationship with You. You’ve been showing me, my entire life, the importance of it. The importance of trusting You and being obedient to You without knowing why…without understanding yet knowing You have a plan. It’s why when You asked me to choose my life with him or with You, I did not hesitate. Because I knew, either way, it would be okay. Because I trust You.

I knew He did not love me. He did not treasure me. He did not cherish me. He did not see me.

He did not see the Jenny You see. I was his servant and his surrogate…nothing more.

You see me. The real me. The Jenny I’ve always been.

You were there when the doctors said I would surely die in my infancy but You touched my heart and healed me.

You were there on every single midnight ride to the ER. You were there as I breathed oxygen back into very tired lungs.

You were there when I was made fun of for not fitting in.

You were there when I walked the high school halls alone because I was the “weird girl” who loved Jesus.

You were there when I vowed my life to a man who would end up despising me and resenting me because of my love for You.

You were there all the nights I could not stop crying and I thought my shattered heart would never stop hurting.

You see me.

You have always seen me.

This journey is not about me finding Jenny. Because I, Jenny, have never been lost to You. This journey is about You reminding me who I am and Whose I am. This journey is about You bringing out the strength and the gifts You planted in me before the foundation of the world. They’ve always been there. I just didn’t know how much a part of me they were and are. Until now.

I didn’t know I could survive abuse in a loveless marriage, rejection, and betrayal but I did and I’m stronger because of it. You gave me a warrior’s heart.

You have blessed me with a legacy of faith in my children and my grandchildren.

You have provided a beautiful home as a refuge for me from the world. I am so very thankful.

You have birthed a ministry out of the misery the enemy tried to drown me in.

You have planted a deep desire in my heart to share my story, with honesty and with integrity, so others can know there’s hope in You, even when it feels all is lost and nothing will ever be the same again.

You have shown me how to live each day with hope and purpose, even though there is still healing to take place in my heart.

You have shown me that in my weakness, You are my strength. (2 Corinthians 12:10)

Thank You for this journey, Jesus. While it is one I never thought I’d take, I understand more each day why it was, and is, necessary.

I know there is much more healing and revelation ahead. I look forward to it simply because I know You’re in the lead.

The journey I thought would be about finding Jenny, has become a discovery of something I should’ve been more prepared for. After all, the signs were certainly there. But it’s just Your way. You allow me to think what I think I need, then right in the middle, You bring what You know I need. And I am overwhelmed with You all over again.

I am Your daughter, Your treasured and cherished one.

Thank You, Jesus, for Your constant pursuit to make me better. To mold me into who You want me to be.

Thank You, Jesus, for reminding me of how You find Jenny.