Heart Conditions

I was born with a hole in my heart.

Back in 1963, if you received news such as this about your newborn baby, it wasn’t followed with many hopeful words. My mom was told to take me home and enjoy what little time she might be blessed with. The doctor said I wouldn’t live to see my six-week check-up.

Clearly, that doctor was wrong.

Clearly, that doctor didn’t know the prayer warrior he was speaking with.

Clearly, that doctor wasn’t privy to the plans God had for me.

And, clearly, I’ve lived well beyond my six-week check- up.

While the hole in my newborn heart was healed sometime within a six-week period,  between October and November of 1963, I’ve since met with another.

Same heart. Different hole.

While this one was not physical in nature, it certainly caused enough pain to convince me otherwise.

Have you ever been at a place in your life and you didn’t understand how you even got there?

Have you ever wondered the when, where, and why of a reckless and impulsive choice, made by another, that would change the entire trajectory of your life but, at the time, you didn’t know was en route?

Have you ever felt as if you were stuck in limbo? Placed on hold or even felt as if your life had been postponed?

If you have, you’re not alone. I’ve been there, too, and at times, feel I still am.

God is Sovereign. That means He is the supreme Authority over my life. I am His child. He knew when my life would begin, He knows when it will end, and He knows every event that will happen in-between. He knows every choice I will make as well as the direct effect it will have on my life and on those around me. He also knows the choices others will make that will directly effect me.

“You saw me before I was born.
    Every day of my life was recorded in Your book.
Every moment was laid out
    before a single day had passed.”

~ Psalm 139:16 NLT

Sometimes we find ourselves in the middle of heart-wrenching circumstances all because someone else decided their selfish desires should come before all else. Some grievous seasons are the direct result of another’s bad life choices. Mine began when my former spouse made the decision to take up with several other women, feeling completely justified in doing so. I felt I didn’t have any other choice but to give him what he wanted. It was either that or continue to live in a loveless marriage, while we led two separate lives. We had been doing that for several years and I was miserable and lonely. He wanted to live life on his own terms and not be accountable to anyone. I could not, would not accept that. So, I made the agonizing choice to let him go.  He had stopped loving me years before we got to this point. Not quite sure what he was waiting for. He was either waiting to get caught or waiting for the day I decided I’d had enough.

My heart was completely shattered. I didn’t understand why any of it was happening but somehow found the presence of mind to know how vitally important it was for me to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus. I knew I’d never make it through without Him. I was in un-chartered territory and had no idea what I was going to do about anything. The only thing I did know for sure was that God would take care of me. I knew He would help me navigate through the heart-wrenching grief I could not wrap my mind around.

“You go before me and follow me.
    You place Your hand of blessing on my head.
 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too great for me to understand!”

~ Psalm 139:5&6 NLT

God’s word says He takes what the enemy means for evil and uses it to bring good (Genesis 50:20). But I can tell you, with 100% transparency, when you’re in the middle of a heart-wrenching situation, it sure doesn’t feel as if anything remotely resembling good could possibly come from it! It causes unfathomable grief and sometimes, you just want to wallow in it and cry. I’ve been there, done that. More times than I can count.

I have been divorced and on my own for three and a half years now. There have been so many times I just knew I had turned a corner or had taken a huge step towards healing and all of a sudden, something triggered a memory and it felt as if all the progress made to that point, took a few steps back. And, perhaps, unexpected memories have taken me a few steps back into the pain of the past, but when that happens, it makes me realize it’s all just part of the process. Healing takes time. Sometimes, a long time. However, I have noticed the pain isn’t quite as raw and doesn’t last nearly as long as it used to. That, in and of itself, gives me hope to keep pushing forward…even when the condition of my heart is crying out for mercy and wants to quit.

Although, 2020 was a year filled with a lot of uncertainty, I felt happier and freer than I had in a very long time. In mid-March, my employer shut and locked the office doors and sent us all home, fully equipped with the capability to work remotely. I have to admit, I sure didn’t know how they expected us to process paperless loans but somehow, we managed. Even in the middle of being uprooted from my routine and having to learn a new way to do my job, I felt amazingly happy and very thankful to able to work from home so I could continue to have an income. Which was yet another reminder of God’s constant provision.

As I look back on that time now, I believe it was a very needed and necessary pause. It was as if God blessed me with a short season of rest. As I mentioned before, He is Sovereign and knows everything that will effect my life. He has a purpose for everything He does and He turned those months of quarantine into something beautiful.

Sometime after the first of this year, I realized I was laughing more and each day seemed to be filled with renewed hope. My daughter even told me she noticed I was smiling again. A smile she “hadn’t seen in a very long time.” Hearing her say that brought reassurance that my heart truly is healing and I realized I was actually enjoying life again. It felt as if my kids and I were settling in to our new normal quite well. Even though each one of us still have wounds from the fallout three years ago, we know Jesus is our Great Physician and He’s pretty good at mending broken hearts.

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
And saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

~ Psalm 34:18 NASB

It was in the month of May when I felt it. The shift. I could feel something stirring. The condition of my heart and my life were changing but I couldn’t figure out how or even why. I knew God was about to do something and, although I didn’t understand the stirring, I trusted Him with it. It was just there. A gentle touch on my heart that I am very familiar with. I know when God does that, choices will soon have to be made.

I’m a member of a Southern Baptist church in a town not far from my home . In fact, it was the church my ex and I started attending, and subsequently joined, nine years ago. After the divorce, I limited my church attendance to the online version. Although, I was a very faithful church watcher and felt I had grown in my relationship with Jesus, in my heart, I knew the commitment component to a local body of believers was what my life was lacking.

My kids are members of this church as well so, over the past three years, whenever there was a Christmas or Easter program, I would always go hear them sing with their choirs. But any other Sunday, I was on my computer, tuned in to online worship. It was just too hard and there were too many memories to deal with. It was easier to just.not.go. Besides, I was protected within the walls of my own home and I didn’t have to be confronted with the perceived awkwardness of others not knowing what to say to me. I was hidden away in a bubble of sorts and I didn’t have to address any issues that may cause pain to well up within my already fragile heart.

As an online church viewer, I was completely safe. I didn’t have to acknowledge staring eyes and wondering glances from church members who might remember me from “before”, when I was part of a we and not just me.

As God’s children, sometimes He may ask us to do things that take us out of our comfort zone. Then we have a choice to make. Do we stay in our isolated, protected bubble, safe and secure from further possible heartache or do we choose obedience to our Savior?

A few months back, I was scrolling through YouTube and saw a podcast about some of the popular mega churches. Since one of them was the one I “attended”, I felt compelled to listen to what was being discussed. Turns out, it wasn’t a favorable review and, at first, it made me a little angry. I really didn’t like what this guy was saying about a ministry I had followed for over three years, which had directly ministered to my heart during a very difficult time in my life. But then again, it seemed a little weird as well, to feel so defensive of a ministry that I had only been watching online. The church is several hundred miles away from where I live so how could I really be a member and why in the world was I so upset? I didn’t like the way it made me feel. It was all very uncomfortable. Instead of taking this YouTube guy’s word for it, I decided to start praying about it.

I certainly wasn’t proud of the attitude that was welling up within me. It really bothered me that I was so offended but it was definitely there and I didn’t know why. So, I purposed in my heart to pray about it but also decided to stop tuning in to the online worship services until I received confirmation from God about what I should do. I asked Him to reveal truth. Plain and simple.

I prayed about it for what felt like several weeks with no answer or confirmation.

One Sunday morning, the live stream was about to start and, since I still didn’t have an answer to the many prayers I had lifted up, I decided it would probably be okay for me to tune in and see what happened. Perhaps the answer was waiting for me in the sermon that day. I was sure God wouldn’t mind if I checked to see if what I’d heard on that podcast were true. I didn’t ask God if I should or not but I thought it certainly couldn’t hurt.

Besides, then I’d know, right?

Wrong.

I couldn’t do it.

There wasn’t anything wrong with my computer. Completely charged up and ready to go.

I just couldn’t do it.

God didn’t have to say a word.

I had my answer.

Once again, I felt that familiar, gentle touch on my heart. The one that requires no words. The one that answers every single un-asked question screaming from my heart all at the same time. The one that brings conviction for making assumptions, for asserting my own agenda, and having an unnecessary bad attitude. He spoke not a word, yet one gentle touch was all it took for me to understand.

The reason I was so offended, which, in turn, affected my entire attitude, was because I already knew God wanted me to go back to my own church and I didn’t think I was ready. I was angry at the YouTube guy for making me privy to information that I was now accountable for because now, I couldn’t un-hear it. I knew I would be triggered going back to church and I didn’t want to deal with it. I didn’t want to hurt. I didn’t want to be reminded of him and our history there. I simply did not want to go.

I had a serious “I” problem, which was (and is) nothing more than wanting my own way. Pride. That is why I had a bad attitude and why the condition of my heart was out of sorts. God was altering the comfort zone I had grown accustomed to and was thriving in. I didn’t like it. Not one bit. I had finally started laughing and smiling again. I didn’t want to go back to a place that would be a reminder of him and our former life. I just didn’t want to be sad or cry over him anymore.

But what was it I said a few paragraphs earlier?

Oh yes. Something that bears repeating.

As God’s children, sometimes He may ask us to do things that take us out of our comfort zone. Then we have a choice to make. Do we stay in our isolated, protected bubble, safe and secure from further possible heartache or do we choose obedience to our Savior?

I knew I didn’t have to pray about going back to church because I already knew what God’s answer would be. He had already made it perfectly clear without saying a word. My struggle was with what my answer should be.

My struggle was between obscurity and obedience.

Obscurity and I had become very good friends. I just wanted to hide and let Jesus heal the broken condition of my heart. Going back to church meant leaving my safe place. Going back to church meant being vulnerable. Going back to church meant trusting God with whatever happened. No matter what that whatever might be.

Have you ever tried to convince yourself you needed time to think about something, even though you knew the answer all along?

All it took was the Holy Spirit to bring one specific scripture to my mind and I knew there would be no more thinking about anything.

“…And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of His return is drawing near.” 

~Hebrews 10:25 NLT

All to Jesus I surrender, All to Him I freely give; I will ever love and trust Him, In His presence daily live.

I surrender all, I surrender all, All to Thee, my blessed Savior, I surrender all.

I can’t remember the first time I sang the words to this precious hymn. All I know is I’ve known it my entire life. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t know it. Growing up, there were so many times I sang this song and never truly listened to the words.

So, what does it mean to surrender? To surrender all?

The word surrender means the relinquishment of your rights; to yield yourself to the power of another; to give someone else control over you.

And the word all? All means ALL. Everything. Completely taken up with, given to, or absorbed by.

To sum up, to surrender all to Jesus means to yield yourself to His power and be absorbed by Him or, if you prefer, it means to relinquish your rights and give Him complete control. Either way, it means He’s in charge.

While that should be the goal of our heart and always something we truly strive to attain, surrendering all, no matter what the cost, is a very difficult choice to make. If you’ve ever been faced with it, you know exactly what I mean. My terrified, tortured, fragile flesh did not want to go back into a physical church building, especially not knowing how I would be received. I like the safety of my home, where I feel completely secluded from the evilness of this world.

But then, I was reminded, my heart and my life are not my own. I was bought with a price. The precious lifeblood of God’s only Son purchased my pardon when He took my place on that cruel, rugged cross so many years ago. I belong to Him. I am His child and He is the Sovereign Authority over my life. And I wouldn’t want to live any other way.

“Do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.”

~ 1 Corinthians 6:19&20 NKJV

My first Sunday back to church was Mother’s Day, May 9th. And, no, it wasn’t easy. The drive to the church takes me directly to the road where my ex and I built our retirement home. There are a lot of memories in that area. It’s exactly why I didn’t want to go back. I knew I’d have to drive right through there but you know what? So did God. He knew it would be hard and that memories would flood over me. He knew I’d be triggered and have tear stained cheeks before I even made it to the church parking lot. He also knew my agreement to go back was through gritted teeth but because He’s such a good, good Father and He loves me with an everlasting love, He gently reminded me of this very comforting verse in 2 Corinthians.

“But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

~ 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 ESV

I don’t know how this verse works but it is truth to my wounded soul! There are so many times I feel like I just don’t have the strength to continue living with the pain that still manages to crush me at times. But then I realize, His grace is sufficient and I’m never alone. He makes me strong.

My former spouse robbed me of so many things and I know he can only continue to do so if I allow him to. So, when it came down to a choice between being obedient and doing things God’s way or allowing my ex to continue to rob me of my life, I chose to do things God’s way. I chose obedience. I will no longer give my ex permission to control me.

With that being said, I will be forever thankful for the ministry of the online church I was part of. God blessed me with a safe place to land during the early days, weeks, and months after my divorce. It was the darkest time of my life and I don’t even like to think of where I may have ended up without their ministry. The messages during those months felt like the only positive thing in my life. The enemy did his full best to destroy me and extinguish the tiny spark that somehow still burned within my heart. The Holy Spirit used the music and the sermons of that church to fan it and keep it glowing. There were so many times I wanted to give up. So.Many.Times. But even in those dark times, that tiny spark was still there so I knew I had to persevere.

King Solomon said it best when he penned these words.

“To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven…”

~ Ecclesiastes 3:1 NKJV

My season with the online church has ended but I am thankful for how it touched my heart. I was overcome with grief and they were there to minister to me at a very critical time.

Grief is a very complex emotion. It makes you do and think things you would’ve never thought you were capable of. Among a myriad of other things, grief made me want to hide from the world and not have to face the pain of being reminded of what used to be. However, I’m realizing, once again, hiding from the reality of it doesn’t make it go away. I have to feel it to be healed from it. I learned that early on after my life did the 180 into despair. But when you start feeling happy again and can smile or even laugh after emerging from the ashes you sat in for months on end, you don’t want to feel the slightest bit of pain, for any reason. I believe that’s why God blessed me with a year to be at home. To learn how to smile again. To learn how to laugh again. To learn how to love myself and begin to embrace the person God is molding me into.

It’s a process. A process I am learning to embrace.

For the past few weeks, I have been praying for wisdom. Since God has led me to this new step of faith, I want to be sure I am discerning His direction very clearly for whatever is next. In the past, I have made the mistake of trying to rush things a bit. But once I slowed down and began paying closer attention to what God was doing all around me, and even within me, I realized I had overestimated the timing for this healing journey. I had honestly been waiting for the day when I’d wake up and discover all the pain had suddenly gone. That all the self-esteem issues, still lingering from years of abuse, were miraculously erased from my subconscious mind. That the reflection I saw looking back at me in the mirror, would finally be one I didn’t inwardly criticize anymore. That the gaping hole, betrayal and abandonment created, no longer had any effect on the condition of my heart.

I no longer believe that to be realistic. I lived with a narcissist for over three decades. That’s a very, very long time. How can I expect myself to just forget the impact those days, weeks, months, and years had on my life? How can I expect myself to look at my children and not see their dad? How can I expect myself to drive by places we frequented together for over 20 years and not have memories trigger? The truth is, I can’t. I can’t just “decree and declare” a few words and then suddenly, everything falls into place. That’s not how it works.

The truth is, life with him, the good as well as the bad, will always be part of me. The events I have experienced in my life have shaped me and molded me into the person I am today. It’s up to me to choose to wallow in self-pity or let God use every event for His glory. I choose the latter. Otherwise, my ex is still in control of me. I’ve been waiting to wake up one morning and be completely healed and whole. I no longer believe that to be realistic this side of heaven. I cannot expect my life to be devoid of conflict, trials, and even triggers as long as I live on this planet. And, my dear friend, neither can you.

Jesus told us we’d have trouble in this world. He told us it would be hard. He told us we’d have sorrows.

“Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

~ John 16:33b NLT

I know with all my heart deciding to file for divorce was the right decision for me. But while I know it was necessary, the loss still hurts. Not the loss of him, but the subsequent hole it left behind. Sometimes, life demands that we make very difficult decisions. Sometimes we don’t have two or three options to choose from. Sometimes the only choice you have is the most painful.

But, Jesus knows the deepest longings of our heart. He knows our thoughts even before we think them. He knows our finite minds don’t always know how to put words together to convey the pain we feel over things we cannot comprehend. He knows the reason behind events we struggle to understand. He knows the million questions that go through our minds we don’t have answers for. And what’s more? He can quiet them all with one whisper of His word to our heart. 

“Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.”

~ John 14:27 ESV

I sit here with my eyes full of tears because while I’m so thankful for the blessings God has brought to my life, there are so many times I feel like such a hot mess! Ever feel that way? My emotions go up and down. One day I’m fine and the next I’m a complete wreck. I do not understand why God loves me nor why He takes care of me every single second but I’m so thankful He does.

Maybe one of these days, I’ll figure it all out. But if not, I know one day, it will all be worth it when I look into the eyes of my Savior and hear Him tell me it’s time to rest. And once I enter in to that rest, no one else will ever hurt me. No one else will ever think I’m fat and unlovable. No one else will ever cheat on me and feel justified in doing so.

The heart condition of this world, in general, is inherently evil. In fact, God’s word tells us this.