I learned a new song at church a few weeks ago.
New to me, that is.
You may know it. You may have even sung it.
As I listened to the words of the chorus, they became very convicting.
“I will make room for You,
To do whatever You want to,
To do whatever You want to.”
Really?
These words state commitment. These words state “not my will, not my way, not how I want things; I want YOUR will, YOUR way, the way YOU want things, Jesus.”
How many of us could truly sing this song and actually mean the words coming from our lips? Can we sing them with conviction and commitment?
The song goes on…
Here is where I lay it down,
Every burden, every crown,
This is my surrender,
This is my surrender.Here is where I lay it down,
Every lie and every doubt,
This is my surrender,
This is my surrender.I will make room for You,
To do whatever You want to,
To do whatever You want to.Shake up the ground of all my tradition,
Break down the walls of all my religion,
Your way is better,
Your way is better.Here is where I lay it down,
You’re all I’m chasing now,
This is my surrender,
This is my surrender.”~ Written by Trinity Anderson
This is a beautiful praise song and the words so heart felt. They stir up a lot of emotion. As I listened to them being sung, they took me back to a day a little over four years ago now. Seems like it was only yesterday. My entire life, the lives of my children, and the lives of my grandchildren were forever changed with a few simple, whispered words.
“Yes, Jesus. I choose You.”
That was my surrender and it changed my life forever.
I do not regret my decision to surrender nor do I regret the events that have transpired since. I know they were God’s will and path for my life. Now. But at the time, the only thing I knew was I trusted Him with my entire being and I knew that no matter what happened beyond that moment, He would be in control and take care of me.
I surrendered.
Everything.
And it was incredibly painful.
However, I have come to realize something I didn’t know back then.
~ God is in the Details ~
In the pivotal moment I surrendered everything, I truly expected God to restore my marriage. I don’t remember praying for God to restore it; just seemed like a given. Divorce wasn’t even on my radar. The word never even crossed my mind. We were both raised with parents who had been married for years and divorce just didn’t happen. I just knew he’d feel the same way. I’d been with him from the age of 19. He practically raised me. He taught me everything I knew. I could not imagine my life without him. After all, he loved me as I loved him. We could get through anything, just as we’d done for years.
When his lies were brought to light, I asked him why he cheated on me and how in the world he could choose another after all the years we’d been together. You can imagine my shock and disbelief when I heard him say, “I just wanted to be happy and I’m not willing to save our marriage.”
No emotion. No remorse. No empathy. Just very matter of fact.
Even though he had pathologically lied to me up to that point, I knew those words he spoke, were truth. He willingly, consciously chose to go his own way and not look back. He chose to turn his back on me, our children, and our grandchildren; never to return.
At first, I believe I was in shock. I thought he loved me as I loved him. Clearly, that was not the case.
I was completely broken. Shattered is really more like it. Yet, even in the grief, I knew I’d made the right choice. I wanted Jesus more than I wanted him. Even in the brokenness, I was at peace, my mind resolute, and I knew I’d be okay. As long as I had Jesus, I knew I’d make it through.
You might be wondering how those emotions can possibly be felt all at the same time. Seems like you’d feel one way or the other, right? But, when you know Jesus and have a personal relationship with Him, you know feelings such as these co-mingle quite often.
Peace in pain. Serenity in sorrow. Grace in grief.
I don’t completely understand how it happens but I can testify that it does. I have lived it and experienced it over and over myself and it’s the only way I want to live. With Jesus in control. With Jesus in the lead. With Jesus guiding my every step.
When I chose God over my ex, I meant it. With all my heart, I meant it.
Which brings me back to the song above.
As these words fell on my ears during worship, I could’t help but wonder how many around me realized what they were singing. Did they truly understand the magnitude of what it means to surrender? Or were they just song lyrics, on a big screen, being sung without considering their message?
In Matthew 16:24 and following, Jesus spoke these words.
“Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wants to come after Me, he must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.”
~ Matthew 16:24-25 NASB
What does it mean to deny oneself?
It’s a pretty tall order to deny our own wants and desires. For myself, it seems to be a daily surrendering of what I think I want for my life. My emotions fluctuate from one day to the next. For some things, it feels completely natural to say, “Yes, Lord.” But for others, I tend to want to hang on rather tightly.
As I look back over the years of my marriage, it seems I had a lot of one-sided conversations at God. Not with Him. At Him.
“I know You want us to be together, God. We’re so perfect together. He’s the love of my life. You know I can’t live without him. You know he needs me to take care of him. You know he’ll never be able to take care of himself. You and I both know he wants to be completely surrendered to You and do the things You’ve called him to do. I’ll help him, God. We’ve made it this far together and I know You have great plans for our future…”
Ever had one-sided conversations at God, like that?
I was telling God my plan and asking Him to bless it.
That’s not how it works.
Truth be told, I really didn’t know if God had plans for my future with him. I believe now, those one-sided conversations I had at God, were just my desperate way of trying to convince myself my marriage was okay and bring comfort to a heart I knew was about to be shattered. It was my way of pleading with God to stop what was about to happen. I didn’t want to go through the pain and brokenness of a divorce. Yet, somehow I knew. I knew it was imminent.
What I didn’t realize, in that moment of surrender, was that God was about to do something far beyond what my finite mind could comprehend. I was stuck in a place I could not escape on my own. I wasn’t even aware I needed to escape but God was. From the time I was a little girl to that pivotal moment in my living room, God had been teaching me to surrender. One thing at a time. Whether it be a social studies class I was uncomfortable in, a bad attitude, or what job to resign from. He has been with me my whole life, teaching me how to let Him be in control, how to let Him guide, how to see my life through His eyes, how to surrender.
“I will make room for You…to do whatever You want to…”
Easy words to sing, yet hard to actually commit to.
“This is my surrender…”
Surrender.
Not my will or my way but Yours.
Mighty powerful words.
I meant them. With all my heart, I meant them.
As I said before, I do not regret them nor the events that have transpired since.
But surrender costs.
I had come to the end of myself. I had tried everything within my own power to save what was left of the relationship with my ex. And I completely expected my marriage would be restored.
However, as time passed, it became very apparent divorce was imminent. It’s not what I wanted but I had made a commitment and surrendered everything down to the smallest detail to God. I couldn’t turn back nor did I want to.
~ Navigating the New Normal ~
Have you ever heard the expression, God will never give you more than you can handle?
Some believe this is found in God’s word.
It is not.
Let me share with you the actual text this is taken out of context from. It is found in 1 Corinthians 10. The Apostle Paul is warning the church at Corinth against false teachers and falling into idolatry.
“No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and He will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation He will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.”
~ 1 Corinthians 10:13 ESV
This is the scripture that gets taken out of context time and time again. What Paul is saying here is that no temptation we experience in this life is unprecedented. Meaning others have experienced the same temptation before us. Jesus was tempted by satan in the wilderness yet was without sin. (Hebrews 4:15). The pressure of temptation is followed by a comparable amount of grace. While God provides this as a way to escape the temptation, most people don’t have their eyes open to recognize it as such.
As you can see now, this scripture doesn’t say anything about what God allows to touch or not touch our lives. It doesn’t say anything about Him not giving us more than we can handle. It’s clearly referring to temptation and how those who have, in like manner, struggled with the same things we do.
I shared that to share this…
There are times when God will most certainly allow things to touch us that we, in our humanness, cannot handle. There have been countless times, during the past four years, when I wanted to give up, crawl into my bed, and pull the covers up over my head. And, truth be told, I have given into that several times. However, it did no good. It always made me feel more sad and even more depressed.
~ Grace for the Moment ~
After those “pity-parties”, I’d find my bible and read from God’s truth. It gave me perspective, shed light on my situation, and always brought me back to a place of thankfulness and praise.
Lately, I’ve spent a lot of time reading about the Apostle Paul. In his second letter to the Corinthians, Paul describes a “thorn in the flesh” that God allowed in his life.
“So, to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
~ 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 ESV
That sure doesn’t sound like “God will never give you more than you can handle” to me. Paul had more than his share of trials and hardships in his life; imprisonments and ship wrecks just to name a few. And yet, he was content with whatever happened for the sake of Christ.
“Five times I received at the hands of the Jews the forty lashes less one. Three times I was beaten with rods. Once I was stoned. Three times I was shipwrecked; a night and a day I was adrift at sea; on frequent journeys, in danger from rivers, danger from robbers, danger from my own people, danger from Gentiles, danger in the city, danger in the wilderness, danger at sea, danger from false brothers; in toil and hardship, through many a sleepless night, in hunger and thirst, often without food, in cold and exposure. And, apart from other things, there is the daily pressure on me of my anxiety for all the churches.”
~ 2 Corinthians 11:24-28 ESV
That, my dear friend, is surrender.
I am, in no way, comparing my recent sufferings to that of the Apostle Paul. He suffered greatly for the cause of Christ. He suffered things we may never experience in our lives. What my heart is trying so feebly to convey is that living for Jesus is costly.
In Luke 14, starting in verse 26, Jesus is talking to the great crowds who were following Him.
“If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple. Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be My disciple.”
~ Luke 14:26-27 ESV
In this passage, Jesus was winnowing the great number of people following Him. He knew there were those in the crowd who followed him out of curiosity or whose dedication was superficial, at best, and had not fully realized the cost of discipleship. Just as one uses winnowing to remove the chaff from grain with a current of air, Jesus used His winnowing words to blow over the crowd to separate those whose hearts were not dedicated to following Him from the ones who were. In His words between verses 26-33, He repeated the phrase “cannot be My disciple” three times.
Do you think Jesus would emphasize the importance of repeating those four words were they not to be considered carefully?
Our love for Jesus must be greater than the love we have for our own family, greater than the love we have for wanting our own way, and greater than the love for things we have accumulated in this world.
Jesus wants us to commit our lives to Him and submit ourselves to the Father’s will. Submission (surrender) and obedience to His will are how we are to live as His children. Is it easy? It is not but God’s grace is sufficient for everything we go through in this life.
Trial and heartache are just part of living in this fallen world. Others will make decisions we cannot control that will impact our lives. When that happens, we either embrace the moment and trust Jesus to walk with us through it or we blame Him for allowing it to happen and go our own way.
These past 4 years have been a growing and trusting process. While my salvation experience ~ realizing that sin separated me from a Holy God, repenting of my sin, asking Jesus to forgive me of that sin, and the Holy Spirit coming and filling my soul ~ was a one time event, I have come to realize that surrendering my will, my agenda, is not a once-and-done decision. I am to take up my cross daily and follow Him.
Living for Jesus means denying ourselves daily. Denying our own wants and our own desires. My flesh wants to take back control all the time. I am a sinner saved by grace and yet, my old nature takes over from time to time. There are times I want to be angry and resentful for all my ex did to me and my kids. There are times I would like to tell him of all the catastrophic grief he caused in the wake of his betrayal, rejection, and abandonment.
But then again, what good would it do?
First of all, he wouldn’t care. My words would fall on deaf ears. His mask has been removed, his true nature exposed, and all he’d do is cause more pain. Second, and most importantly, would venting my grief at him bring any honor and glory to my Savior?
No, it would not.
So, once again, I surrender my will, my way, and my plan over to Jesus and trust Him to be in the details.
I think about that moment of decision in my living room quite often. My marriage didn’t have to end in divorce. Had my ex chosen to repent and turn from his sinful desire to live a worldly, promiscuous life, then had truly surrendered his heart to Jesus, I believe God would’ve restored us. But that’s not what happened. My ex chose the world and his own evil desires. He chose them over me, over his children, over his grandchildren, and most egregiously, over God.
God used His winnowing fan to blow over my life and remove the chaff.
One day, we will all stand before Almighty God to give an account and answer for all that we did in this world. Each person will be judged according to his/her own deeds and choices made. I will only be able to answer for myself as each one of us is on his/her own.
My heart is grieved for my ex, BJ. Not grieved as someone still in love with him, as that has passed and is forever behind me. My heart is grieved as it would for any lost person. My prayer is that he will repent of his current lifestyle, humbly come to Jesus, and ask for forgiveness before it is everlastingly too late.
Surrendering my life into the hands of my Savior, without knowing what the next moment held, was the greatest decision I have ever made. Yes, that surrender cost me my marriage. When Jesus surrendered to His Father’s will, it cost Him His very life. What I gave up to gain abundant life with Jesus, doesn’t even compare to what Jesus gave up to gain me.
“I will make room for You,
To do whatever You want to,
To do whatever You want to.Here is where I lay it down,
You’re all I’m chasing now,
This is my surrender,
This is my surrender.”