I don’t make new years resolutions.
I haven’t for quite a few years. The reason for it, in my estimation, is that resolutions don’t work. In years past, I would make resolutions, promises if you will, that went something like…
“This is the year I’m going to lose weight! This is the year I’m going to exercise more! This is the year I’m going to take more time off from work! This is the year I’m going to take more time for me!”
On and on and on.
And what always, inevitably, happened is I’d fail to keep up the routine and I’d beat myself up for months after because I couldn’t stick to it.
Best laid plans and all that.
Now, don’t get me wrong. All of the goals I mentioned above are good ones. I do need to do all of those things. I realize that more and more as I continue to grow older. I do intend to incorporate them into my life whenever I can. However, I don’t want to be controlled by them.
I spent many years being controlled by another. No matter what I did, it was never good enough. Even when I worked out every single day, for three hours at a time, and maintained a size 2 body by starving myself…it was never enough. Nothing I did was ever good enough, done long enough, or even wise enough.
For the past few days, I’ve had a song going through my head. It’s one I used to sing years ago at our church in Alaska. In fact, it was so long ago I couldn’t even remember the title to it until I googled some of the words.
When the Time Comes by David Kavich
Cleanse me Lord,
Of all my silly, sad charades
How I want to be all and only Yours
Take away the clutter in my life everyday
And make me like a child at play
Give me joy
I love to laugh and cry with You
You’ve become a Friend with me all the time
Help me to be patient as I watch and as I pray
Growing in Your love each day
Lord, show me the way.Fill me, Lord
I want Your love to overflow
Running free through me to a lonely world
Let me share that simple truth that sets people free
How I want them all to see, how it can be.When the time comes,
I wanna be ready
When Jesus comes to take me
Take me home.
In and of themselves, making plans and having goals are not bad things, but if they become the only thing we’re focused on and/or allow them to consume our every waking moment, then we’ve clearly lost sight of what’s most important.
During my marriage, I was completely obsessed with being, doing, and becoming every single thing my ex wanted me to be, do, and become. It got so bad that if I had a weak moment and had the audacity to eat a candy bar, I would stuff the wrapper inside a soda can and hide it in the garbage because I didn’t want him to find it. I didn’t want to be ridiculed or chastised over it. I tired not to let him see me eat anything that could be deemed unhealthy. It’s the only thing I focused all of my energy on. This was not just a goal I wanted to achieve eventually. This was an every single day goal that I felt had to be achieved every single day! I felt I had no other choice. I had to keep him happy to be accepted. I had to keep him happy to be loved. I had to keep him happy so he’d stay.
A lot of good it all did. He left anyway.
I believe that’s why this song has been trapped in my mind the past few days and I’m so thankful it has. Perhaps the Spirit brought these words to mind so I’d, once again, realize the importance of keeping Him first in my life. To know that whatever I do to try to keep another happy is in vain. Jesus is the only One who can satisfy and fill the deep longing in our hearts. To remember I’m a just a sinner saved by grace and that I need to be ever mindful of any sin that may creep in and immediately confess it when convicted by the Holy Spirit. To stay true to the desire of my heart to be an example of Jesus to all those I come into contact with and to all those who read the words I write. Knowing Jesus is the greatest and most amazing privilege of my life and I long for others to know Him as I do.
Often times, life gets so busy and we get caught up with all the things we have to do or even be. The enemy loves nothing more than keeping us distracted by all the things we allow to clutter up our lives. His goal is to get us to take our eyes off of Jesus. He doesn’t care what it is. Even if the things in our lives are good for us. Even good things can become bad if given the wrong priority.
I posted a new scripture on the website a few days ago. It’s from a devotion I read this week and it was exactly what I needed.
“There are many who say, “Who will show us some good?
Lift up the light of Your face upon us, O LORD!”
You have put more joy in my heart
than they have when their grain and wine abound.In peace I will both lie down and sleep;
for You alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.”~ Psalm 4:6-8 ESV
Unfortunately, the world view is me, me, me, mine, mine, mine. In this passage of scripture above, King David is referring to those who desire the wealth of this world and enjoy the things that delight the senses. When the wheat and grapes abound to make food and sweet wine, they rejoice and celebrate. They want the things of this world that can be seen but show no desire for the things that are unseen and are the objects of faith alone. They call out to God and want Him to show them good but have no intention of worshipping Him. They want the temporal pleasures of life and not the eternal things of God.
As I pondered this scripture, my thoughts took me to a large ballroom with an over-abundance of delicious food and drink for all to have their fill. I envisioned the smiles and imagined the raucous laughter that filled the air as each one began to feel the effect of the wine. With a mere glance into a room such as this, you’d conclude that everyone is happy and having a really good time. But what happens when the party’s over and it’s back to reality? What happens when the euphoric feel of the alcohol wears off? Is everyone still happy and having a good time?
You see, over the years, I have been in ballrooms exactly like the one described above. During the time I was the wife of an Army officer, I was privy to several parties just like this. I was never comfortable and always felt awkward. I knew I did not belong there. However, my ex was in his element. Looking back on those events and knowing what I do now, I’m sure he was keeping up his charade as best as he could. He seemed just a little too comfortable in that kind of environment. I always felt I was “cramping his style” and that he’d be happier if I weren’t even there. Seems the Spirit was giving me hints even back in those early days.
As I reflect back on those memories from long ago, I’m actually thankful for them because they serve to remind me that the things of this world are just fleeting moments; a blip on the radar of life.
The Holy Spirit has shown me the very clear and very real difference between being happy and having joy. Happiness is based on the external; joy is based on the internal.
I can be happy about the Alabama Crimson Tide winning the Cotton Bowl because they’re the college team I root for. Winning the Cotton Bowl is an external, temporary happiness but it’s only for a moment because there’s always the next game.
However, I felt unspeakable joy when I learned that my eldest grandson had given his heart to Jesus. It’s a joy that fills my heart and my soul to overflowing and can never be taken away. It’s not a temporary feeling. I’ll be rejoicing over that until the day I die.
When I asked my ex for the reason of why he cheated on me, he said, and I quote, “I just wanted to be happy.” He just wanted to be happy. Then, and even to this very day, he is still chasing after his desire to be happy. I was married to him for just shy of 35 years and I watched as he chased after everything this world has to offer. Money, success, prestige, position, applause, accolades, and eventually, even other women. He chased anything and everything he could in pursuit of his goal to be happy and he had no empathy for those he had to step over or step on to achieve it. This insatiable need for the pursuit of happy-ness cost him everything. He made a conscious choice to walk away from his faithful and ever supportive wife, his three children, his two sons-in-law, and his five grandchildren, not giving a second thought to the devastation left behind in his wake. It was always and only about him although he pretended it wasn’t.
In the book of Ecclesiastes, King Solomon said it best when he penned these words…
“I have seen everything that is done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and a striving after the wind.”
~ Ecclesiastes 1:14 ESV
King Solomon was the wealthiest and wisest man to ever live. He had everything this world had to offer within his reach. Nothing was denied him. He had seen “everything that is done under the sun” (meaning life without God) and yet he came to the conclusion that “all is vanity and a striving after the wind”.
Ponder those words for a moment. How do you strive or chase after the wind? Can you catch the wind? Can you hold it in your hand?
What an amazing way to describe how life is without God. Completely futile and meaningless.
Any external experience we may have cannot fulfill the inner longing and hunger in our hearts. The material things of this world may bring temporal happiness but they do not satisfy. King Solomon had every earthly pleasure you can imagine and at the end of his life, came to a very poignant conclusion. Don’t waste your life chasing after the temporal things on this earth, as they do not last nor do they satisfy. “All is vanity and a chasing after the wind.” (Ecc 1:14)
At the end of our lives, we will all stand before a Holy God and answer for every single thing we did. Every deed will be judged, whether it was good or evil.
“The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep His commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgment, with every secret thing, whether good or evil.”
~ Ecclesiastes 12:13-14 ESV
My attempt to be on a perpetual diet and my obsession with staying skinny to make another happy did not last. Looking back on those days now, it was an impossible goal and I was miserable. It was vanity. It was meaningless. It was such a waste of time but had become my way of life and it was the only thing I knew to do to hold onto everything I had. I was so afraid of losing him that I did everything within my power to keep him. That was the problem.
I was chasing after an impossible goal. I was chasing after the wind in order to bring someone else happiness that would only last until the next time I gained 2 or 3 pounds. (That is not an exaggeration. He pointed it out a lot.)
After my ex walked away, I thought I’d never smile or laugh again. My life was sad, lonely, and depressing. Actually, I thought it was pretty much over. The constant ache in my heart seemed almost unbearable at times. I remember sleeping a lot, not only because grief is exhausting, but because when I slept, I didn’t feel the pain.
However, I no longer feel the pain that once completely engulfed my heart. There are even days when it feels like my current life is all there’s ever been. While I know that isn’t reality, I believe it’s because God has led me back to the joy that only comes from knowing Jesus. For years, I had been chasing after someone else’s happiness because I thought it would fulfill my life. I had a lot of temporary happy-ness but no joy. All my efforts to hold onto a man who was determined to leave me anyway proved to be in vain.
In the weeks and months following the divorce, most of my prayers consisted of, “Why, God?” and “I wasted all the best years of my life on a man who only wanted to control and manipulate me. I’m old now…already into my mid 50’s…I’m used up…what’s left?” And for many weeks and months, I didn’t have any answers. Yet even in those grief-stricken days, Jesus never left me. He provided no answers but He never left me.
“The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”
~ Psalm 34:18 ESV
As I look back on that time now, not only was He near, He was holding me. He held me in His arms and allowed me to grieve as I desperately tried to wrap my
mind around what had happened. He was grieving, too. Perhaps He provided no answers because He knew we needed quiet time to walk that broken road together or perhaps it was because in such a broken state, I couldn’t have comprehended anything beyond Him sitting quietly with me as our tears mingled together and fell over His heart. Perhaps it was both. Whatever His reason, I knew it was best. I trust Him completely and I knew at the right time, He’d provide the answers to the myriad of questions that plagued my mind.
And He did. To some of them.
It happened gradually. I didn’t suddenly have an epiphany and receive them. They came in His time, just as He planned them.
I still don’t know the answer to the real reason why my ex chose his current path and perhaps I never will but I am okay with that. God knows and I trust Him even if He forever withholds it from me or chooses to reveal it in His time. But the one question I do have more clarity on now is why I thought I wasted my life on a man who didn’t love me.
First and foremost, that union blessed me with my kids. If that were the only reason I married him, that is enough. They are my heart!
Second, those years were not wasted. They were essential in molding me into the woman I am today. God is showing me the person He created me to be. I’m still a work in progress but I like who I’m becoming with His loving hand to guide me.
Lastly, even though in the early days after the divorce, I felt “robbed of the best years of my life”, I’ve come to realize those weren’t the best years of my life just because I was young, didn’t have wrinkles, and gravity had not yet taken it’s toll on my body.
Once again, the words of King Solomon ring true and bring conviction to my heart…
“…all is vanity and a striving after the wind.”
Those feelings of being robbed was yet another instance of vanity and chasing after the wind. It was the enemy flooding my mind with those thoughts because he wanted me to feel sorry for myself. And I did…for awhile.
However, in the past few weeks, I’ve realized I wasn’t robbed.
I was chosen!
Sometimes God restores broken relationships and sometimes He removes them. Although I may never know the exact reason, God is Sovereign and sees my life from beginning to end and everything in between. He has the whole picture and I do not so I trust Him to do what He knows is best for me.
Jesus said that He “came that you may have life and have it abundantly.“ (John 10:10b) I didn’t get all those married years back in numeric form; rather, I got them back in abundant form!
Every single day that I wake up with breath in my lungs, sight in my eyes, and hearing in my ears is a blessing. I no longer have to live under exhausting manipulation, walk on egg shells, nor deal with the constant struggle of trying to live up to the whims and wants of a very selfish man. God, in His great mercy, removed me from all of that and I am more than thankful. (Never did I ever believe I would pen such words.) My life is far from perfect and there are times of loneliness when I wish I had someone to talk to at the end of the day (just being real) but, for now, this is the path God has chosen for me and I will rejoice and walk it with Him as long as He wills. He has blessed me so abundantly and I have no room to complain. My heart is overwhelmed with joy!
I have truly experienced the very real difference between being happy and having joy. This abundant joy that has been restored in my heart isn’t something seen externally. The outward view of my life is exactly as it was when I started this journey. I still look the same, have the same house, the same job, the same car, etc. Nothing from that perspective has changed.
What has changed is I now have a deep, inner feeling of being grounded. It’s a quiet, constant strength that is not of my own making. It’s a very real sense of knowing Whose I am. It’s so much a part of who I am, it’s just there. It doesn’t change from circumstance to circumstance. It’s not accompanied by giddy laughter but quite often comes with tears. It’s a steadfastness birthed from many trials and much grief. It’s steady, solid, and true.
I wonder if this is what James was trying to convey when he penned these words.
“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”
~ James 1:2-4 ESV
All my life I have sort of questioned this passage of scripture. How in the world can you be going through various kinds of trials and be joyful about it?
What??
But that’s not what the Apostle James meant at all. I get it now! It’s not a jump up and down kind of joy. It’s a steadfastness birthed from many trials and much grief. Yes, that’s it!
“Oh, thank You, Holy Spirit, for bringing that scripture to my heart, right at this very moment! I was struggling for words and You brought the answer I needed straight from Your precious word. I am undone…”
Oh, my friend, I want you to know the things I’m sharing didn’t come immediately or easily. It’s taken weeks and months for God to lead me to where I am now. (And sometimes, He brings them at the exact moment I’m writing!) There were many questions, buckets of tears, and several emotional triggers that I had to take to Him one by one in order to get where I am now. It’s NOT easy to stare infidelity, verbal abuse, ridicule, and rejection in the face and welcome the myriad of emotions all of those things bring with them. And for the sake of being completely transparent, I know I’m not finished with them either. They’ll all be back at some time or another. Healing takes time. Dealing with emotion takes time.
Healing is a process.
And please don’t think I have it all together because I surely don’t. I’m sure to still be a work in progress when Jesus comes to get me or when I meet Him in heaven. I struggle with the residual effects of abuse every day. So, I’m in the fight right along with you. I just want to be an encouragement to you. I want you to know that I KNOW healing is a hard road to walk. And those who choose to step out on its path, are brave.
You are brave!
The past four years have been the hardest yet most rewarding of my entire life. God removed me from my abuser but having been in his clutches for over three decades, I was left with some pretty deep wounds. Some of which have scars now but there are others still in need cleansing, stitching, and healing. I am so thankful for my Great Physician. He knows all about the internal wounds that cannot be seen with the naked eye yet rear their ugly head when provoked or triggered by an outside influence.
Even with all my wounds and an inclination to chase after the wind, Jesus still welcomes me with open arms. He holds me in the palm of His hand and no one will ever pluck me out of it. (John 10:28).
Jesus has been so patient with me as He’s led me on this journey of healing. He’s dug up some things I had buried deep within. He wanted me to face them and feel them so could heal from them. He asked me to trust Him even when I didn’t think I could but chose to anyway. I’m so thankful I did.
Joy has been part of who I am since I asked Jesus to save me; after all, it’s a fruit of having His Spirit. Nonetheless, it was buried beneath years of mental abuse and brain-washing. If my previous life is the definition of happy-ness, I am more than thankful I will never be that happy again!
I’ll take the joy that Jesus gives any day over a life lived in the pursuit of happy-ness!
“You make known to me the path of life; in Your presence there is fullness of joy; at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.”
~ Psalm 16:11 ESV
Jennifer, I thought I had read this but I hadn’t. Your words are such an encouragement to me. I want to have that closeness you have with Jesus! I love you!