From Head to Heart

Have you ever felt sad and didn’t know why?

Have uncontrollable tears ever fallen down your cheeks with no warning?

In the past few months, this has happened to me a number of times.

I was incredibly sad for no apparent reason.

I am in a very good place in my life. I have more joy than I ever have before. I’ve just had a good health report from my doctor. My kids and grandkids are all healthy. I have a beautiful home, a wonderful job, an amazing church family, and a car that gets me where I need to go.

I am blessed beyond measure and yet, I couldn’t break free from the sadness.

About a month ago, I was sitting on the couch with my morning coffee in hand and bible on my lap. I really didn’t know where to start, let alone which book to study. So, I whispered this short prayer, “What am I missing, Jesus?”, and opened my bible.

This is the scripture I opened to.

“…yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God.

For the Lord gives wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding; He stores up sound wisdom for the upright; He is a shield to those who walk in integrity, guarding the paths of justice and watching over the way of His saints.

Then you will understand righteousness and justice and equity, every good path; for wisdom will come into your heart and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul.”

~ Proverbs 2:3-10 ESV

God is so very faithful. He does not disappoint. He very clearly answered my question.

When we seek Him with all of our heart, His word promises we will find Him. (Jeremiah 29:13) He does not disappoint.

After reading the scripture above, it was then I realized I had been overcome with sadness for several days before I even stopped to ask Jesus what I was missing.

But why?

Why did I wait so long to call out to the One who loves me more than anyone else ever could?

Why didn’t I think to call on Him immediately?

Why did I do that?

Why do we do that?

I believe there are a few answers to this question.

We either think we’re imagining it, will go away on its own, or we get comfortable in our present state. It could even be a combination of all three.

When everything seems to be going well, we’re accomplishing things at work, we have money in the bank, and food on the table, for example, Jesus tends to get put on the back burner. He gets shoved into the rest of the fray and I believe pride is the root cause.

Pride creeps in so subtly. Most of the time, I don’t think we even realize it has entered in.

We may start to notice little things we’ve done that make us feel good about ourselves. “Wow! I did a good job on that!” OR “I wonder if anyone noticed what a good job I did!” We may even start taking some of the credit for it instead of giving the praise back to God for blessing us with the gift or talent in the first place.

Truth be told, this has been me as of late. (just being real here)

Recently, all of the good things I’d accomplished at work had gone straight to my head.

I’ve been processing mortgage loans for about 24 years now. I have learned a lot of different skills that help me with my work but I didn’t learn those skills on my own. God put amazing mentors around me who poured their knowledge into me. God created my mind and gave me a tenacious personality to work at things faithfully until I achieve the needed result but He blessed my life with others who took time to help me along the way. I don’t deserve nor do I warrant any kind of praise for that. He made me who and what I am. I am nothing without Him. However, pride crept in unawares and I didn’t realize it as such until I woke up one day incredibly sad. I knew something wasn’t right.

The sadness I was experiencing was all due to me pushing Jesus to the side and thinking I could handle the day-to-day things without Him then taking credit for it.

I cannot. I can do nothing without Him.

^” I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in Me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in Me, he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this My Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be My disciples.” ~

John 15:5-8 ESV

I need Jesus every single second of every single day. Even though my head was telling me all was well and to let it go, my heart was screaming out something entirely different. I had cut myself off from the Vine, I was withering, and my heart knew it.

Oh, how I love the precious word of God and how it calls me back to where I need to be!

We are to seek after God as if we were seeking for silver or hidden treasure. If those things are valuable enough for ones to seek on earth, how much more should we seek after the LORD who is invaluable??!! 

He is absolutely priceless!

I was moved to tears as I sat there. First, I repented and asked forgiveness for my arrogance, then spent time thanking and praising Him for being ever so faithful, even when I am not. I fail Him all the time but He is forever faithful.

There is a battle raging for our minds. More so than ever before, the enemy is out to distract us with anything he can to get us to take our eyes off Jesus and focus on ourselves. It doesn’t matter if it’s a goal you’ve reached or if grief is overwhelming your heart. The enemy will spin whatever it is in such a way to get us to take our eyes off Jesus either with an ego trip or debilitate us with depression.

I am so thankful the Holy Spirit dwells within me. I am so thankful He’s always there to remind me when things seem off or I’m out of sorts and then He gently leads me back to His word and the answer.

I can know things in my head but until those same things take up root within my heart, I am out of sorts, I am relying on my own strength, and I wither on the Vine.

Knowing things in my head that haven’t yet made it to my heart has been a big challenge these past four years, post divorce. One day I’m completely fine and the next, I’m a complete train wreck. The enemy does not want me to continue to move forward. He wants me stuck in and dwelling on the past. I have to admit, there are days he wins out and I am undone. I know in my heart I do NOT want to go back to what was but the enemy has a way of only reminding me of the few good times spent during those three plus decades. So, he bombards my mind with good memories spent with the imposter version of my ex, not the person he truly is. Satan is a liar and the father of lies (John 8:44) and, even though I know this scripture is absolute truth, I fall for his subtle and evil tactics all the time. Before I know it, I’m plunged into sadness for no apparent reason and asking the same question of why all over again.

A few weeks ago, I sat down with my laptop and began to write a new post for the website. I usually have a title before any words are formed but this time was a bit different. I had words flooding my mind and they needed to be penned before I forgot them.

It started like this.

“I was so young. Just barely nineteen. I was naive and didn’t know much about the world.”

The next paragraph spilled out through my fingertips before I even knew what I was typing.

“You, on the other hand, weren’t so young and naive. You were twenty-eight years old so I thought you were mature. But knowing what I do now, I was clearly VERY wrong.”

What started out in my mind as a new and encouraging post for the website, became a grievous-heart-wrenching-outpour-of-past-events-topped-with-a-myriad-of-mixed-up-emotions, letter to my ex-husband!

Writing a letter such as this to my ex was suggested by one of the first counselors I consulted with right after the divorce was final. But I didn’t do it. Not really sure why I didn’t. Perhaps I felt it wasn’t the right time or I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to do so. Whatever reason I had for not writing it back then, clearly the time had come!

My fingers flew across the keys on my laptop and words started forming into sentences faster than I could think. My heart was spilling out events I had long since forgotten and thought were healed. Even though I had no intention of this letter going any further than being saved on my computer, just writing it out and reading it back brought a freedom to my heart that I cannot explain. It was cleansing in a way and brought with it a bit of closure I thought I’d never have.

If there’s ever a time when spoken words cannot express how I feel, I have found they become crystal clear once I begin to write. The words form in my mind then the Holy Spirit reminds me of details from events and emotions attached to them from within my heart. It’s why I’ve always had a journal.

God knows everything about me and knows my heart like no other. He knows what to reveal and when. I had no idea what He was about to do and what was about to be accomplished.

I had a routine counseling session scheduled for the next week, so I decided to take the letter to share with my counselor. I wasn’t sure she’d want to hear it but took it along anyway, just in case.

While I’m never sure of what topic our sessions will center on, she usually lets me drive the conversation to whatever I need to share. I told her about the letter I’d written but warned her that the content was a bit graphic because nothing was held back. She told me to proceed so I began.

Unbeknownst to me, there was a lot more depth to that letter than I originally thought.

While the first few pages were ones of reflection, “reminding” him of our early days together, the subsequent paragraphs were filled with questions I’ve searched for answers to since he walked away. The biggest question of why was at the forefront of my thoughts. I’ve never been able to accept his excuse of, “I just wanted to be happy”, as the reason for ending so many years of life together. Something was missing and I knew it was much deeper than what he let on. Towards the end of our marriage, there were too many events that made no sense whatsoever.

The more questions I “asked”, the angrier and more sarcastic I became. The plethora of words left unspoken over many years were silenced no longer. All the things I wanted  to say to his face had finally found their voice and were expressed on the pages I held within my hands. I told him exactly how I felt about his lifestyle choices, his pathological lies, his controlling, overbearing, and abusive ways, and the overabundance of actions done behind my back.

When you’ve been wounded to the very core of your soul, anger is the hardest emotion to deal with and heal from. It seems to be the one that adheres itself to the heart most ardently and repels any effort to make it release its grip. At least that’s been true for me. Not only was I wounded very deeply, I had no closure. None. My heart has been hanging onto what could’ve and should’ve been and all the words left unsaid. My mind tells me to let go and move on but my heart clings to the incessant question of why and what I could’ve or should’ve done differently. Suffice it to say, the anger was very real. I can always tell the condition of my heart and the measure of how far I’ve come, by how angry I get when writing (or talking) about the things I experienced at his hand.

The last two pages caught me unawares. I knew the words were penned by my hand, but hearing them read aloud, changed their context entirely. The words I’d written became groaning’s from a place deep within the recesses of my heart.

I continued reading and, mid-sentence, my voice suddenly cut off. It was as if someone had pushed a mute button on my vocal cords. There was silence. It lasted barely a moment but to me, it felt much longer.

When I was finally able to find my voice again, the anger was completely gone and, in its place, the quiet strength of my nineteen-year-old self gently guided by the wisdom of my fifty-eight year old self. In an instant, the Holy Spirit changed my entire demeanor. Even though my voice was barely above a whisper and tears flowed freely down my cheeks, I read those final pages with the confidence of finally knowing my worth; finally knowing who I am and Whose I am; and finally and completely realizing the treasure my ex had in me and let slip away.

Please hear my heart. I do not say those things from a place of arrogance or pride. In that moment, I whole-heartedly believe, it was the Holy Spirit reminding me of how God sees me; of how God has always seen me. He just used my voice as the catalyst to speak them out loud so I’d hear them audibly as well as clearly!

What an amazing, loving, and faithful Heavenly Father we have! I am completely overwhelmed by how He continually pours out His love, affection, and provision over me.

“For You formed my inward parts; You knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are Your works; my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from You, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in Your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.”

~ Psalm 139:13-16 ESV

Psalm 139 has been a passage of scripture that has followed after me from the very beginning of this wilderness-like journey. I have read this scripture countless times over the years but the content was only ever in my mind. I know it is absolute truth because it’s recorded in God’s word but I guess I always felt it was for other people and didn’t pertain to me. When you’re mentally and verbally abused, you begin to accept that as truth. The words you hear become who you are. Then the enemy takes ahold and reiterates them to your mind repeatedly so there’s no opportunity to dispute them. He is relentless when he’s out to try to destroy you. He might have destroyed my marriage but he didn’t destroy me because he can’t and he knows it.

“Little children, you are from God and have overcome them, for He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.”

~ 1 John 4:4 ESV

After I finished reading, her office was calm and quiet. It was as if we were both soaking in the moment the Holy Spirit had ushered in.

After a few moments of stillness, she told me she heard things written in the letter I had never mentioned to her before. I’ve been meeting with her for about 2 years and, in all that time, thought I had told her everything.

Then she asked a very direct question, only requiring a yes or no answer. I was taken aback as it was something I’d never, ever thought of or even considered before.

I sat there quietly in her office, with tears still streaming down my face, trying to wrap my mind around the question she’d just asked. It wasn’t long before I had my answer. To be honest, I was a grieved by it.

Have you ever known the answer to a difficult question and, even though you knew it was absolutely spot-on and made undeniable sense, would be utterly agonizing to admit to yourself, much less allow it to be made known to someone else?

All I could manage was a nod of my head in the affirmative.

The hour in her office always passes by so quickly and I didn’t want to leave. I felt there was more to be said but, perhaps, leaving when I did was by design. I could not stop the tears from falling. It was as if someone had turned on their cleansing stream for a specific purpose and I was not in control of the off switch. I cried all the way home. I clocked out early from work as my mind was completely overwhelmed with what had happened. I went to bed early that night and just let my thoughts be exactly what they were. I didn’t try to figure things out or ask Jesus a lot of questions. I just wanted to be still in that moment and allow God to be God. There was a lot to ponder and I knew, in His perfect time and if He chose to, God would reveal what had transpired that afternoon in Holly’s office.

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.” 

~ Isaiah 55:8-9 ESV

The reason God didn’t reveal the answer to my why before now, is completely His own. I don’t have to know nor understand it. He is my Father. I am His child. I trust Him. That is enough.

I am thankful He has granted me closure to decades of questions, lies, and grief. Everything that didn’t make sense before, has now become clear.

This is a sign my daughter made for me when I moved into my new house in 2018. It was my word for that year but it has been the constant theme of my life since. I have had other words for each consecutive year following but they’ve never been as poignant as this one. Somehow, this one just seems to sum up what I need to be focused on.

Moving forward.

^“But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”

~ Philippians 3:13b-14 ESV

As I think back on this wilderness-like journey, I am reminded of God’s faithfulness. He has been in every single detail of a monumental change and subsequent transition in my life. There were many times I didn’t think I could make it one more second and yet, He was there to give me strength so I could. A few days ago, I realized that the route to where I am now has been forty years in the making.

Forty years! 

There have been numerous twists and turns along the way and even some that seemed as if I were going in the opposite direction of where I thought I should be. Makes me think of when the children of Israel were set free from 430 years of bondage in Egypt and, right out of the gate, God told Moses to lead them in the opposite direction of the nearest route to the promised land. God knew them. He knew they’d be afraid of seeing war in the land of the Philistines and want to return to bondage in Egypt. It took them 40 years of wandering in the wilderness before they arrived at their destination, the land of promise.

“When Pharaoh let the people go, God did not lead them by way of the land of the Philistines, although that was near. For God said, “Lest the people change their minds when they see war and return to Egypt.” But God led the people around by the way of the wilderness toward the Red Sea.”

~ Exodus 13:17-18 ESV

I have to admit, there were times I, too, thought it would’ve been easier to have stayed put and forego the pain and grief of divorce. However, I knew that was not God’s plan.

And now, I know why!

Although God has answered my why and has seemingly brought an end to 40 years of unanswered questions and inexplicable circumstances, it doesn’t mean I won’t continue to face trials and triggers. Those things will not come to an end until I am at home with Jesus.

Nonetheless, I will be thankful for answers along the way, whenever and however God sees fit to provide them. I know full well He knows what’s best, no matter how long it takes me to embrace them…from my head to my heart.