In the Know and the No

Has God ever told you no?

Did you just accept it and carry on?

OR

Did you pitch a fit then proceed to whine at Him, complete with a myriad of reasons why it’s not fair and you really didn’t care for His answer?

I must be completely honest and openly admit, there have been many times during this healing journey I have experienced being told no by my Father and I didn’t like it. Not one bit. I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels that way at times. The age old saying “the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree” applies here as I know another little guy who relates to feeling this way. My grandson, Carson.

When Carson was about four, whenever he’d receive the answer of no from one or both of his parents, he started whining. If that didn’t draw enough attention, he then proceeded to throw himself on the floor and roll around screaming. Like most of us, his Nana included, Carson had (and still has from time to time) his own agenda and ideas about how things should play out. He’s seven now and has grown a lot from those early days of tantrums but he still struggles with hearing the word no once in awhile.

As do I.

In times past, when God has told me no, I didn’t physically throw myself on the floor and roll around screaming but it didn’t stop me from taking that posture in my heart. To God, I was acting like a four-year-old child, whining, and wanting my own way.

Can you relate to feeling that way sometimes?

Carson has always been a Nana’s boy. Not really sure why he chose me to be his person but he did. He and I talk about many things. He’s a pretty deep thinker and enjoys the art of conversation. He reminds me of the young boy who is the next door neighbor in the first Home Alone movie. Always full of questions and wanting answers to every single one right now but not waiting for the answer before asking the next question.

Sometimes I truly wonder if that’s how God sees me when I question His sovereignty over my life.

Hmmmmm.

I’ll never forget a conversation Carson and I had one morning after he’d spent the night with me. I was getting ready for work and he came into my bathroom. He greeted me with his very sweet, “Good morning, Nana!”, gave me a hug, then crawled up on my bed. After a few minutes, I noticed he was watching me pretty intently and I knew the wheels were turning in his head.

“Do you remember what we talked about a few days ago, Carson?”

He shook his head in affirmation but I clearly doubted he actually remembered.

“We talked about being good for your mama today. Do you remember?”

“Yes, Nana.”

“Do you remember Who wants you to be good for your mama?”

He just smiled.

I put down whatever it was I was holding in my hand and walked over to the bed where he was sitting. I got down on my knees next to the bed so we could be face to face. He was staring at me so intently, I knew this was about to be a God moment.

“Carsey, Jesus wants you to be good for your mama. The Bible tells us that we are to obey our parents. They know what’s best for us. Jesus loves you very much and He wants you to do whatever your mama and daddy tell you to do. You may not always understand why they tell you no or why they stop you from doing something they know will hurt you but they can see things you can’t see. You have to trust them all the time because you never know what’s ahead and they can see what’s all around you.”

It was then the realization of my own words shook me to my soul and took hold of my heart. I had no idea it would be a God moment for me as well.

When you’ve walked with God for a long time, you just know when He’s impressing a deep lesson onto your heart. You don’t have to stop and ask Him for an explanation. You just know.

“You may not always understand why I tell you no or why I stop you from doing something I know will hurt you. I can see things you can’t see. You have to trust Me all the time because you never know what’s ahead and I can see what’s all around you.”

Suddenly, I was no longer the teacher. I had become the child.

The lesson in obedience I was trying to teach my precious, young grandson became a lesson for me. Obedience without understanding all the facts is exactly what God has been teaching me since this wilderness-type journey with Him began. On that day, three years ago, God used a conversation with a four-year old to show me I had been acting just like one. I whined and cried to get my own way. I had looked at His answer of no as a way of punishing me and keeping me from something I thought would be good.

Have you ever been stuck in wanting your own way? Stuck in the past? Stuck in the pain of a life altering event? In your own thoughts? In your own agenda?

As I drove to work later that morning, I couldn’t get the conversation I’d had with Carson off my mind nor the subsequent realization that, at times, I was no different as God’s child than that of my four-year-old grandson. As I drove and pondered that conversation, the Holy Spirit pressed another realization into my heart. He very gently reminded me of a Bible story I’ve heard my entire life but at that time, took on a completely different meaning. Never had I related to a bible story so much in my life.

The children of Israel were stuck once. God had just delivered them from 430 years of bitter bondage in the land of Egypt. They had just seen God make a way for them through the Red Sea, had drowned all their enemies behind them, and they were safely on the other side. He had set them free! It’s exactly what they’d been praying for the entire time they were enslaved. And yet, the minute things got hard and painful, they whined, cried, and said they should’ve stayed in Egypt because they were provided for. They had food, water, and a place to sleep. They were comfortable!  They thought it would’ve been better had they stayed in Egypt in what they knew (even though they were enslaved and abused) rather than be where God had placed them!

I can imagine what you might be thinking because I’ve thought the very same thing.

How could they be so ridiculous and want to return to the dysfunction and abuse of being enslaved to other people? God had set them free! Were they crazy?! Why would they ever want to return to that?

I can completely relate to the children of Israel. There was a four year span of time when I, too, was stuck in a hard and painful wilderness that I certainly didn’t want to be in. I didn’t fully understand their “Egypt rationale” until God removed me from my marriage and, subsequently, through a very painful divorce.

I was exactly like the children of Israel. In my mindset, in my actions, and in my whining.

I truly believe that “all things work together for good” (Romans 8:28) and even when we walk through things that feel as if our heart has been ripped in two, God has a purpose in all of it. We certainly may not understand His method nor understand the reason why but He sees what we cannot. He sees the purpose after the pain.

Up until about a year ago, from the time I learned of my ex’s infidelity and the myriad of lies he spun around me like a web, I whined, cried, and kept asking God why my marriage ended in divorce. I was stuck. Even though the ink had long since dried on the divorce decree and was gathering dust in the county probate office, I simply did not understand nor could I wrap my mind around it. I had no closure and I wanted to know why. In my finite, human mind, my prayers and questions had gone unanswered. But God had very clearly answered them with a resounding no. I just didn’t like His answer. So I kept whining, like a four-year old child, because, honestly, I wanted to go back, just like the children of Israel wanted to go back to Egypt. Living with incessant, tangible pain every single day was hard. I was comfortable in my old life and I had everything I ever wanted. But, did I?

I was living in total dysfunction, manipulation, and abuse. The only man I’d ever loved, did not love me in return. He cheated on me repeatedly and stayed away from the house as much as possible. On the rare occasion he was there in physical form, he was checked out emotionally. He simply did not want to be in the same place I was. I was living in complete denial and kept hoping and praying he’d somehow “come around”. I was in bondage and didn’t even know it.

Who, in their right mind, would want to go back to living that way? Yet, I truly did.

At least that’s what I thought.

We have an enemy who is out to destroy anything and everything in our lives that he possibly can. He puts thoughts and lies into our minds and gets us to believe them. He hasn’t changed his tactics. Why should he when the same tactics he’s used since the beginning of time always get God’s children to take our eyes off of Him. He did the same thing to the children of Israel in the wilderness. He got them to believe their lives were better back in Egypt because he only reminded them of what they had lost. Food, water, and a warm place to sleep. He convinced them they had traded their comfort for the barren wilderness of the desert and that God had only led them out there to die. If he reminded them about the beatings, the long, hot, miserable days, the exhaustion, and being in chains, they wouldn’t take their eyes off God and start whining to Moses. The enemy uses whatever he can to get us to do just that. If he can get us focused on the problem, we become completely ineffective. He attacks what we value the most. To some, it may be comfort. To others, it may be money or image. To me, it was my marriage.

Over the course of this healing journey, there have been many times I’ve felt stuck in the past and pitched a fit in my heart about where had God placed me. I wanted my own way and did not enjoy having to deal with the pain, grief, and heartache of rejection and abandonment. I truly acted like a four-year-old child. And just like he did with the children of Israel, the enemy chose to only remind me of the things I had lost; things he knew were important to me. He would catch me at a low moment then proceed to remind me of the good times from my previous life. The enemy’s sole purpose in that was to get me to take my eyes off God. And he was successful until God used a precious little boy to show me what was happening and what the enemy was using against me.

In the depth of my heart, I knew the reason God told me no when I wanted to know the why for my divorce and when I wanted to go back to “Egypt”. He knew what was waiting in the future and I did not. I knew the no was best for me. Even though it was very painful at the time and hard for me to accept. I knew that His no, would lead me to the yes He had been waiting for years to give me.

So, why did I choose to whine when I knew it wouldn’t change anything? Why did I choose to whine when I knew, without question, if God presented me with the same choice He asked me four years ago, I would choose Him again?

Because I am human.

Because it hurt to be betrayed and rejected.

Because I am a creature of habit who was comfortable in what I knew.

Because, like a small child, I was scared.

Because I chose to believe the enemy’s lies and they became my reality.

Yet, in all of that…

I know His no is what I desire because I know He knows what’s ahead.

I know His no is what I truly wanted because I know I made the right decision on July 23, 2017.

I know He knows the plan He has for me.

I know when I run to Him, He encircles me in His loving arms and holds me for a while.

I know He lets me cry, He dries my tears, and gently reminds me…

You know I don’t tell you no to punish you. You know I tell you no to protect you. Some of the things you think will make you happy, won’t. You know My no rescued you and set you free. You know you were in bondage and you also know it was time for you, My daughter, to go.

Trust Me, My Precious Child.

I see what’s ahead of you. I see what’s all around you. I am already in your future and I cannot wait to lead you there. You will be extremely blessed by what you find waiting. 

I am so thankful I have a Father who lets me whine and cry but then speaks to me firmly yet gently. He allows my rants then He uses the simple things in my life, like a precious little boy, at a perfectly chosen time, when I least expected it, to teach me a huge life lesson in knowing His no is for my good. He is so patient with me. He never grows tired of me or my inability to stay the course. He always chooses the perfect moment to show me, once again, that He’s in control and has an amazing plan for my life.

On the day I said “I do” in 1983, God knew I’d be divorced in 2017. He knew I’d be in a dysfunctional, abusive relationship and had already planned my deliverance. Just as He knew His plan for delivering the children of Israel through a man named Moses.

In this life, we will get stuck from time to time. On occasion, we will cry and whine to Jesus and act like a four-year-old child. We will experience painful events that cut us deeply and leave their scars engraved on our heart. In this life, we have an enemy who wants nothing more than to “steal, kill, and destroy”, all the while laughing at us for believing his lies in the first place. But God is always there, in the unknown, sovereign over the events in our lives. We just have to trust Him, His timing, and His heart. We have to trust Him all the time because He sees what’s all around us.

In the past four years, God has totally changed my heart about everything that has transpired. He has revealed and healed things that had been engrained in me for such a long time. Things I didn’t even realize were dysfunctional! He rescued me from an abusive marriage and has set me free to become the woman He created me to be! He made so much good come from a situation that I could have allowed to destroy me.

I no longer look back on what might have been or could have been or think of things I could have or should have done differently. There’s no point to that kind of thought and I refuse to get ensnared in a trap set by the enemy over things that are behind me. Most importantly, I have realized that I, just like the children of Israel, got exactly what I’d prayed for. Deliverance. The whole time I thought God was punishing me by telling me no, He was leading me toward the abundant life I have now! I know I didn’t pray for a divorce but since God knows my heart like no other, He knows what’s all around me as well as what’s ahead, He knew that divorce was on the path to now.

Just as Carson is still learning to do what his parents tell him to do, his Nana is still learning to do what her Father tells her to do. After everything I’ve been through these past four years, I know without one doubt, God is faithful.

I have learned to be content where God has so graciously placed me.

I have learned to be thankful in all things.

I have learned to keep my eyes on Jesus.

No matter what may come.

In the know.

And the no.