Have you ever looked forward to something that was difficult to wait for?
As a child, I remember waiting for Christmas. My siblings and I didn’t get a lot of gifts during the year so Christmas was the one time we’d get new toys to play with. Back then, Christmas specials and cartoons were only on tv once during that time and we didn’t have any way to record them, as we do now, so if you missed them the night they aired, you had to wait an entire year for them to be broadcast again. Christmas was always a time I looked forward to and the wait for it seemed endless.
The anticipation for each grandchild to be born made nine months feel like forever. I remember the excitement I felt as I looked forward to holding them in my arms, to look into their precious little faces, to whisper how very much I loved them, and how blessed I was (and am) to be their Nana. Back then, nine months seemed like an eternity but at least I knew there was a date I could mark on the calendar to look forward to. Somehow, knowing the time-frame of when I’d be able to hold those precious babies helped with the waiting process.
But what about life situations we can’t mark the end date to on our calendar? Something completely out of our control? Something, perhaps, that is on God’s timetable?
His timetable is vastly different than ours.
“But do not overlook this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.”
~ 2 Peter 3:8 ESV
Vastly different. Wouldn’t you agree?
One day is a thousand years and a thousand years is one day!
How do you even wrap your mind around that?
I know I can’t. This is where surrender, faith, and trust must come into play.
A few days ago, I was having a conversation with my son and his best friend about a situation going on in our family right now. One we have no control over. One that only God can work out to bring healing and restoration.
My son made a statement I’ve heard a lot of Christians use (to include myself) but have since learned, I have been completely wrong. I don’t remember exactly what he said but the gist was he was claiming this situation would be over soon and everything would be okay. Then I asked him, “Where does God’s timing factor into that? Who are we to claim when something is to be over or decree and declare that it will be healed within a certain time-frame? Doesn’t that put us in God’s place? Doesn’t that reasoning make us our own god? What if God’s timing for it to be over is two years from now? Are you okay with that?”
He sat and pondered those words for a few moments and had to admit he’d never thought of it that way before. I told him I hadn’t either. Not until a few months ago, that is.
Yes, as believers, we have power and strength in the name of Jesus but it’s not something we have in and of ourselves. Apart from Jesus, we can do nothing. (John 15:5) We have God’s word to stand on and can absolutely trust in and believe on His promises for our lives. When going through trials, James tells us to “count them all joy knowing the testing of our faith produces endurance.” (James 1) The apostle Paul told us, “God’s grace is sufficient” for whatever we go through because “His power is perfected in our weakness”. (2 Corinthians 12:9)
Relying on and living by the promises and the truth of God’s word is much different than claiming a hurtful life situation will be over just because we say so or want it to be then stand in God’s rightful place as Sovereign in our lives and tell Him what He’s going to do. It makes me uncomfortable just implying that, let alone actually do it and yet, it’s something I’ve done on more than one occasion in my life, of which I’ve repented and asked forgiveness for. (I’m still a work in progress.) I’m so thankful He has opened my eyes to this truth.
This “it’s-all-about-me” and “God-is-at-my-beck-and-call” kind of “christianity” is rampant in our world today. More so than ever before. However, it isn’t Christianity at all. It’s a false gospel and many are falling away from the truth and buying into this easy-believism**. It might very well be an easier way to “believe” and a simpler way to live but there’s ZERO accountability and it isn’t real.
“For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching (doctrine), but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths.”
~ 2 Timothy 4:3&4 ESV
This scripture states very clearly what is happening in the church (as a whole) today. I know there are churches that still preach the inerrant word of God (thankful mine is one of them) but the majority of people in the world today do not want the truth. They want preachers to use soothing words to make them feel good, validate whatever actions they deem acceptable, and not hold them accountable for the choices they make. They have brought the world into the church and are trying to mix the two.
As Christians, followers of Jesus, we are to be separate from the world. (2 Corinthians 6:14-18) We are to be a “living sacrifice” which means our lives are to be consecrated, dedicated, devoted, yielded, and surrendered to God. All of which means we give up our own agenda and embrace His. We are to live lives that are “holy and acceptable” to Him. (Romans 12:1)
Salvation comes by grace through faith in Jesus. (Ephesians 2:8&9) While on earth, we still live in an earthly, fleshly body that fights against the Spirit within and it’s a struggle. Sometimes choosing the right path is the hardest one to walk. Jesus said in John 16:33,
“I have said these things to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world, you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
Will have tribulation doesn’t sound like an easy road to walk to me. Does it to you? The enemy at work in this world wants everyone to believe all you have to do is say a simple prayer and you’re “in”. He’s deceiving many with the idea that the prayer is what saves. He wants everyone join together in the name of unity, love, acceptance, and tolerance, no matter what the beliefs or actions, with absolutely no accountability and call it being a “christian”.
But that’s not how it works.
“Then Jesus told His disciples, “If anyone would come after Me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?”
~ Matthew 16:24-26 ESV
These words of Jesus clearly rebuke this “it’s-all-about-me” type of christianity. We are to deny ourselves – our own desires – and follow Jesus with our whole heart. For most churches, gone are the days of preaching repentance and rebuking sin. Denying oneself isn’t a “popular lifestyle-choice”. Jesus does accept us as we are when we come to Him with a humble and repentant heart but He’s not your “home-boy”or your personal “bellhop in the sky”. He is the Almighty, Sovereign God! True repentance and surrender will cause a 180 to happen in your heart. Once Jesus comes in, you no longer want to live a life that goes against Him. He changes the “want to” of your life. I know this to be truth because it’s what happened to me. I was a lost church member, doing all the right things (works), for 40 years until the Holy Spirit got a hold of me one Sunday morning in 2003 during a worship service at church. I had a very prideful heart. I thought I was saved because I’d repeated a “prayer” as a child at Vacation Bible School and even though I never really felt it was genuine, didn’t know how to rectify it. As I grew into adulthood, the enemy blinded and convinced me God would let me into heaven when I died because of that experience and all the “amazing things” I’d done for Him since the age of 8. I truly believed it was all about me and what I had done. But following Jesus and being His child isn’t about the things we do or the things we say. It isn’t about going to church, repeating a “sinners prayer”, then continuing to live your life however you want. Unfortunately, this is what the mega churches of today are calling christianity and this desperate, broken, hurting world is flocking to them. Most of these churches don’t even open God’s word and even if or when they do, they pick and choose the verses that apply to their agenda then twist the words to make them mean something they don’t. They preach and teach what people want to hear, not the truth they need to hear! It’s a “feel good” gospel which isn’t the gospel at all.
I know this because I was very involved in one of these online churches.
After my divorce, I was completely broken. I knew God was in control and had a plan but I was desperate to grasp onto anything that was remotely positive during that dark time. One particular online mega church popped into my Facebook feed and the music and sermons soothed the pain I felt in my heart. I was drawn to it and completely caught up in each worship service because, for a brief moment, it allowed me to forget the reality of what my life was at that time.
Being in a place of despair, pushed me into seclusion. I felt like a wounded, caged animal. All I wanted was to be left alone. It felt as if my life was over and I didn’t want anyone to watch me fade away. Online church facilitated that. However, when the darkness lifted, I started noticing things being said from the pulpit of this church that didn’t line up with God’s word. I found myself disagreeing with the messages and I became very uncomfortable. But I rationalized those thoughts away and convinced myself I could continue to watch the services and not be effected by the things I disagreed with. But Jesus wouldn’t let me. He wouldn’t let me go. He wouldn’t let me run from the truth just so I could hide from the outside world.
From that time on, my Facebook and Instagram feeds were constantly filled with scripture, which I do not believe was coincidence. Jesus was calling me back and He used the familiar things in my life to stir my broken heart. When scripture popped into those feeds, I went to my Bible and looked them up and, not only would I read the specific verse I’d seen, but I proceeded to read the whole chapter. After weeks of this happening, I started reading my bible more frequently. The Holy Spirit brought reminders of scripture I’d hidden in my heart years before. Scripture that spoke to me right in the middle of my mess. Scripture I’d read all my life but at that time, made more sense than ever before. Slowly but surely, my broken heart was being healed. All because of God’s amazing, precious word.
Somehow, God used that online ministry to get me through the roughest part of the grief I experienced. But when it was time to move away from it, He led me out by gently reminding me of the truth of His word.
God’s word is alive and so relevant to our lives today. It reveals the condition and intent of the heart (which is “deceitful above all things and desperately wicked” – Jeremiah 17:9), it reveals truth, and it reveals the grace, the mercy, and the love of God.
It’s a life book.
A book for life.
“For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.”
~ Hebrews 4:12 ESV
These past five years, I have been on a journey. A journey I would never have chosen for myself but I’m thankful for every single day. Had I chosen my own path, I would have stayed in a loveless marriage and would still be in a relationship with an abusive, narcissistic man. I wanted to go to counseling to save something that was long since dead and buried. I was trauma-bonded to my abuser and could not see my life in this world without him in it.
But God had a different view.
To this day, I’m still in awe of how God worked out every detail. Even on that day in July of 2017, when I surrendered my life and my marriage into His hands, I fully expected Him to heal it completely. Once I made the commitment to do whatever He wanted me to do, overwhelming peace came over me. And while I did expect my marriage to be healed, the posture of my heart was one of acceptance, no matter what happened.
God was very patient with me the last few years of my marriage and in the early days after my divorce was final. Looking back now, I can see the situations He allowed to touch my life to point me in the direction of surrender. Those last few years of marriage were full of arguments, snide remarks, misunderstandings, and clue upon clue that it really was over and each one was allowed in my life to point me to Jesus. Then there were all the events after the divorce: packing up my life, storing it away, finding a place to live, starting a new job, being up to my eyeballs in debt, having my alimony cut off, living with constant, tangible pain in my heart, learning how to start over and alone at 54, hiding away from the outside world, etc. Once again, all allowed to point me to Jesus and in the direction of surrender.
I have known some who believe and avoid absolute surrender to Jesus because they think it will somehow mess up their lives or it will cost them too much or it’s too scary. Some or all of those things may very well be true. They were true for me. Absolute surrender did mess up my life for awhile. It cost me my 34+ year marriage and it was very scary to start life over at the age of 54 on my own. But I also knew if God had brought me to that place, He wouldn’t leave me there alone.
And He didn’t.
He is absolutely faithful.
Surrendering all and being in the center of God’s will is a blessed place to be. Allowing Him to set the course for your life and waiting on Him to bring things about can be difficult and sometimes even grievous but it is so worth it. I wouldn’t want to live any other way.
I am so thankful for this website ministry God has so graciously allowed me to be a part of. I’m blessed to have a place I can share my stories and my walk through unknown territory with you. My greatest desire is to be an encouragement and a blessing to you. I don’t know what you face on a day-to-day basis but I know Someone who absolutely does and He loves you.
I know my words thus far have been a little “in your face” and perhaps even a little passionate but it’s flowing from a heart that longs for the truth of God’s word to be heard in a world that has closed its ears! This world is so messed up and so many are broken and hurting. If I can be one voice to bring truth and light into the middle of the darkness, that’s what I want to do.
The situation going on in my family right now is a fine example of waiting on God to move in His time. Oh, I could race in and say all the things I think need to be said to fix everything but what if my words are taken wrong? What if I make the situation worse but imposing my will and forcing a solution? Is that really a solution or is it just a bandaid, and once ripped away, result in exactly where we are now?
Do I want the situation rectified and relationships mended? Absolutely!
So does Jesus.
Do I know every detail and how to heal the hearts of those involved? Absolutely not!
But Jesus does.
This situation is not a surprise to God. In fact, I believe it’s all part of His plan to once-and-for-all heal my children from the abuse and trauma inflicted on them by their estranged father. So many things I did not know have come to light the past few months but they are things I cannot fix. Only the healing and restorative touch of God will mend their hearts. Learning of the abuse involving my children that went on for years behind my back has been excruciating. Initially, I blamed myself for not protecting them more diligently from the monster they called dad but later came to realize I couldn’t be with them every minute of the day and I didn’t know what I didn’t know. The magnitude of that man’s narcissism had no boundaries and the way in which he feasted on control, was second to none.
It still makes me shudder to think about it.
Healing from the type of narcissistic abuse we were subject to, is a difficult journey to walk. It was difficult enough to sort through and heal from all the things done to me but, as a mom, knowing what my children have endured at his hand, takes it to a whole different level. My flesh wants to hate and hope he suffers greatly for all he’s done. However, the Spirit within, bids me surrender the hateful and hurtful feelings, as well as the righteous anger, into His very capable hands and let Him deal with it, in His time.
So, once again, I give Jesus my broken heart and my angry tears, and, once again, surrender to His will.
Then I wait.
No name-it-and-claim-it stance from me. No decreeing-and-declaring it to be over when I want it to be. I am not God. I do not know what He has planned nor can I force His hand. Instead, I prefer to stand on the truth of His inerrant word that tells me,
“All things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.”
~ Romans 8:28
and
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path.”
~ Proverbs 3:5&6
Oh, and my favorite Psalm in God’s word, Psalm 139.
I don’t rely on commentaries to explain passages of scripture because the Holy Spirit is my interpreter. However, after I read Matthew Henry’s thoughts on this precious passage of scripture and found them to be a beautiful synopsis of how much God loves His children, I wanted to share them with you. This is just one man’s interpretation of this beautiful Psalm, penned by David. It’s a little long but very much worth the read.
God has perfect knowledge of us, and all our thoughts and actions are open before Him. It is more profitable to meditate on Divine truths, applying them to our own cases, and with hearts lifted to God in prayer, than with a curious or disputing frame of mind. God knows all things, is omniscient; that He is everywhere, is omnipresent; are truths acknowledged by all, yet they are seldom rightly believed in by mankind. God takes strict notice of every step we take, every right step and every by step. He knows what rule we walk by, what end we walk toward, what company we walk with. When I am withdrawn from all company, Thou knowest what I have in my heart. There is not a vain word, not a good word, but Thou knowest from what thought it came, and with what design it was uttered. Wherever we are, we are under the eye and hand of God. We cannot by searching find how God searches us out; nor do we know how we are known. Such thoughts should restrain us from sin.
We cannot see God, but He can see us. The psalmist did not desire to go from the Lord. Whither can I go? In the most distant corners of the world, in heaven, or in hell, I cannot go out of Thy reach. No veil can hide us from God; not the thickest darkness. No disguise can save any person or action from being seen in the true light by Him. Secret haunts of sin are as open before God as the most open villanies. On the other hand, the believer cannot be removed from the supporting, comforting presence of his Almighty Friend. Should the persecutor take his life, his soul will the sooner ascend to heaven. The grave cannot separate his body from the love of his Saviour, who will raise it a glorious body. No outward circumstances can separate him from his Lord. While in the path of duty, he may be happy in any situation, by the exercise of faith, hope, and prayer.
God’s counsels concerning us and our welfare are deep, such as cannot be known. We cannot think how many mercies we have received from Him. It would help to keep us in the fear of the Lord all the day long, if, when we wake in the morning, our first thoughts were of Him: and how shall we admire and bless our God for His precious salvation, when we awake in the world of glory! Surely we ought not to use our members and senses, which are so curiously fashioned, as instruments of unrighteousness unto sin. But our immortal and rational souls are a still more noble work and gift of God. Yet if it were not for His precious thoughts of love to us, our reason and our living for ever would, through our sins, prove the occasion of our eternal misery. How should we then delight to meditate on God’s love to sinners in Jesus Christ, the sum of which exceeds all reckoning! Sin is hated, and sinners lamented, by all who fear the Lord. Yet while we shun them we should pray for them; with God their conversion and salvation are possible. As the Lord knows us thoroughly, and we are strangers to ourselves, we should earnestly desire and pray to be searched and proved by His word and Spirit. If there be any wicked way in me, let me see it; and do Thou root it out of me. The way of godliness is pleasing to God, and profitable to us; and will end in everlasting life. It is the good old way. All the saints desire to be kept and led in this way, that they may not miss it, turn out of it, or tire in it.”
~ Psalm 139 ~ as paraphrased by Matthew Henry, November, 1704
How absolutely amazing is the love the Father has for His children.
God sees everything. He very clearly sees the intent of the heart. I am so unworthy of a love as sacrificial and as pure as this. Love such as this is humbling. Love such as this is consuming. There’s no room for pride. There’s no room for arrogance. When love such as this enters the heart, it is compelled to obedience. It is compelled to surrender. How could it not? God sees every single thing about me and yet, loves me in a way that is beyond my comprehension. I am undone and in complete agreement with the words of the Psalmist David when he penned,“Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it.” (Ps 139:6 ESV)
God sees and knows what my children and I have experienced at the hand of an abusive man. He sees and knows exactly what it will take to bring complete healing and restoration. He sees and knows every detail and all of the unknown. He allowed every situation to bring us to the place we are today. We are safely removed from our abuser and we are thankful.
There were times we didn’t think we’d make it and in others, have celebrated victory. But in every situation, there was one common thread.
Each situation, examined through the truth of God’s word, pointed us to Jesus and in the direction of surrender.
(For the full story of my experience with the online church, click here)
**easy-believism – man-made term not found in God’s word but used a lot in today’s culture. Defined as “salvation by simply repeating a prayer with no conviction of sin nor faith in Jesus.”