I was a Pharisee.
When you grow up in church, sometimes you acquire a false sense of security. Being that it’s something you’ve always known, you tend to think you’ll earn God’s “favor” because your parents are Christians. At least that’s the way it was for me.
But I was wrong.
I grew up in a Christian home and have been in church for as far back as I can remember. My parents were leaders in everything that was worship and service. My dad led the music and served as an usher. My mom taught Sunday school, Vacation Bible School, sang in the adult choir, and was a special music soloist quite often. In my younger years, I sat with my grandma Childers during the worship services. She dressed so beautifully and always wore a hat which made her look like a movie star to me. She brought snacks and always had paper and pencils at the ready if I became fidgety or started whispering. My grandma was always prepared. The Childers/Sager families were in church every time the doors were opened and we always went together. But wasn’t that the right thing to do? I always thought so.
At the age of 8, I attended Vacation Bible School just as I had every summer up to that point. I recall story time not being as much fun as snacks and recess. I remember I felt uneasy when my teacher told of a man named Jesus who died for me. He died on a cross for my sin. What sin? I’m only 8 years old. What sin could I have possibly committed? (Little did I know, that one thought was setting me up for a lot of internal pain for most of my life). At the end of one particular story time, I remember my teacher asking me if I wanted to ask Jesus into my heart. I thought it a rather strange question at the time. How can a man come into my heart? Of course I told her yes because what child doesn’t want to be obedient to her teacher? She and the church pastor took me into this little side room and shut the door. I don’t recall what I said or how I said it or if they said it for me but when I came out of that little room, I was Jenny Sager, the newest church convert and a candidate for baptism.
When I look back and think about that experience now, it caused all kinds of confusion in my young mind. It’s vitally important, when presenting the gospel to children (or to anyone for that matter), to ensure it is understood what sin is, what it means to repent, and to believe in Jesus. Repeating a prayer that someone else tells you to isn’t what saves your soul. It’s realizing sin separates you from a Holy God, then by grace, through faith, believing in what Jesus did when He sacrificed His life and died on the cross, asking Him for forgiveness, and surrendering your very life to His Lordship. In that moment, you receive the gift of the Holy Spirit of God, Who takes up residence in your heart. At the age of 8, it was not explained to me in this way and in turn, I received a false sense of security. I believed because I’d repeated that prayer, I was good to go.
Fast forward to my teen years. I was part of the youth group at church so we all sat in the back row of the sanctuary so we could hold hands with our latest crush, pass notes back and forth, or whisper to our best friend. We were typical kids. I listened to the sermons, for the most part, but whenever the preacher or evangelist talked about sin and needing to be saved, I somehow tuned those words out. To be honest, they scared me a little. But I was saved when I was 8 at VBS. I was a shoo-in to make it into heaven. Surely God would let me in because I’d repeated the sinners prayer and had never done anything wrong like murder someone or lie or steal. I was a good kid. Besides that, my high school friends would always come to me when something was wrong in their life and ask me to pray for them. Yep, Jennifer Sager was the Christian girl to go to when you needed God to fix something that you’d done wrong. She could pray it right out of you.
I graduated from high school in May of 1981. I was only 17 at the time and not really ready to venture out into the world yet so I lived with my parents and became their housekeeper. My mom and dad both had to work hard to make ends meet so I was glad I could be there to help them by keeping up with the dishes, the laundry and the vacuuming. I really didn’t have any idea where my life was going at that point. I figured I’d get married someday but I lived all the way out in the country. What guy was going to find me out there? I tried not to think about it much. My self-esteem was pretty low as I thought myself homely with messed up teeth, short bitten off fingernails, and glasses. I didn’t hold out much hope for a guy to find me so I resigned myself to be an old maid and live with my parents.
Well, I didn’t end up an old maid. I was married in April of 1983. Three days after the wedding, I moved away from the only home I’d ever known and started following my husband (as he was at that time) around the globe with the US Army.
Over the years, we joined a baptist church in every new place we moved. We always ensured our kids were in Sunday School and church. The Blankenship family was there every time the doors were opened. We both taught Sunday School and sang in the choir. Eventually, I began singing solos on a regular basis and he became the choir director at a few churches we’d joined over the years. Are you starting to see a pattern here? It was engrained in me that this is what is expected of Christian people. You join a church wherever you are and start doing “things”. Please don’t get me wrong. The local church is something I’m very thankful for. These feelings were solely my own and I struggled with them for many years. On the outside, I knew I was doing all the right things but in my heart, I knew that something was desperately wrong. There was always a feeling of impending doom. I didn’t understand why it was there nor why it wouldn’t just go away. Looking back now, there were many signs along the way but I always rationalized them away.
“You’re okay. You were saved during Vacation Bible School. Look at all the things you’ve done. You’ve been a Sunday School teacher, you sing in the choir, you get up in front of everybody and sing solos, for crying out loud. That must count for something. You make meals for the church bereavement committee, you led your children to accept Jesus, you pray, you read your Bible like a good Christian should, you tithe your income, you go to a ladies Bible study every week. Don’t worry about it. God will let you in. You’re as good as the next guy. In fact, you’re probably better than the next guy. No, on second thought, you ARE better than the next guy. Just keep it up and someday, you’ll be rewarded.”
Completely lulled to sleep by the enemy of my soul.
The thoughts above are absolutely frightening to me now! I truly believed those lies. The enemy had me convinced they were absolute truth. I am so thankful God never gave up on me.
The following is an actual journal excerpt of a previous writing from June 2015. The highlighted portions are my actual thoughts from that day in church.
Whenever I share my testimony with others, I always start with I was a Pharisee. The Pharisees were the religious leaders in the days of Jesus. They thought most highly of themselves, completely self-righteous, and thought nothing of telling others so. Such was my heart before Jesus saved me. The only difference between me and the Pharisees of Jesus’ day is that I didn’t tell others how I truly felt. I acted very humble on the outside but on the inside, secretly judged any and all around me.
April 13, 2003
It was just like any other Sunday morning. I got up early to make sure we were all ready and out of the house by 8:30am. I had to get to the church by 9am to be able to warm up my voice with the praise team. We took the same route to the church as we always had and arrived right on time. Warm up practice and Sunday School were pretty much the same as ever but something felt a little different when I walked back into the sanctuary for the worship service.
Yep, something was definitely stirring in me. I didn’t know what it was but it was there just the same.
“Maybe I had too much coffee this morning. Maybe I should’ve eaten breakfast. Oh well. It’s too late now. It’s almost time to sing and I certainly don’t want to miss that.”
I dismissed how I was feeling and went to the same pew I always sat in. Third row from the front. I put my Bible and purse down then proceeded to the platform to pick up my mic.
“I always enjoy this part of the service. I love to sing and hear my voice harmonize with the others. I sure make them sound goo… Oh, time to start. Hit it Harry.”
The praise and worship time went just as we practiced it. We sang 4 or 5 praise songs and then it was time for the sermon.
“The Crucifixion. Hmmmmmm…”
“I’ve heard sermons on this subject a million times before. It probably won’t be any different from the others. I wonder where we should go for lunch? Mexican food is always a good choice but JJ doesn’t care for it much. We probably should just go home and save the money. But I don’t want to cook and then have to clean up the dishes afterwards. I’d really like to take a nap. I didn’t sleep well last night. Wait! WHAT? What was that? I must be hearing things. I sure did a good job on those songs today. My voice was on perfect pitch. I sure wish the others would… What? Wait a minute, God! What did You just say? I need to get WHAT? Saved? Is that what You said? Me? You must have me mistaken for someone else, God. ME? Really? What will everyone think of…”
“It was MY sin!”
“Did I just say that out loud? I did! I did say it out loud. But why didn’t BJ tell me to be quiet or why didn’t anyone else look at me? It WAS my sin that nailed You there! I am a sinner! I need to get saved! I need to get down there and tell Bruce. Why won’t he hurry up and end this agony I’m in? I need for him to finish his sermon so I can talk to him.”
“My heart is pounding so hard. I think it’s going to pop right through my chest. I’m all sweaty and I can’t breathe very well. Why doesn’t BJ ask me what’s wrong? I’m shaking all over!”
“Would you please just hurry up and end this?”
When Bruce finally wrapped up his sermon, which seemed like an eternity to me, I didn’t even wait for the music to start. I practically ran down there and threw my arms around him and told him what had happened to me while I was sitting in that pew. He started praying but I interrupted him and said, “I’m soooooo sorry!” He continued his prayer again but I only heard the first few words because the tears started flowing. I felt like a wet noodle. My legs were shaking and I just needed to sit down. The hard part was over.
After the service, different people told me that I was actually wailing and my voice was bouncing off the back wall. WOW! I guess I had a lot to wail about. Forty years worth of bondage!
I was finally, and completely, FREE!!
Later that afternoon, I told BJ I sure hoped I hadn’t disturbed anyone by talking out loud during the sermon but he said I hadn’t spoken out loud. I told him I distinctly remember saying “It was MY sin!” out loud at the same exact time Bruce said it in his sermon. But he assured me that I was sitting there next to him, calmly, and I hadn’t said a word.
I was having a moment, wrestling with the God of the universe right there in that pew and I was the only one who knew what was going on! Then it dawned on me. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. It’s a “personal, one on one, encounter with Jesus”. That didn’t happen to me back in 1971, in the small little room, with the pastor and my teacher, during VBS at Columbia Heights Baptist Church. I had never experienced a Holy Spirit moment like that ever before!
Bruce told me later that it really wasn’t necessary for me to run down there and tell him what had happened. I had been saved right there in that pew the very moment the Spirit spoke to me and told me I needed to get saved. I made my decision and said yes in my heart before his sermon was even finished. I thought about that for a long time and he’s so right. Sometimes we get so hung up on all the “churchy things” to do or the traditions we come up with and we convince ourselves that if we don’t do things a certain way, it won’t work or God won’t hear our prayer. It wasn’t a prayer God wanted from me. It was the intent of my heart. He wanted the surrender of my heart. Prayers are usually said when we get saved but once the decision is made, by faith, to believe in what Jesus did for us on the cross and the surrender of our heart is made, that is when salvation is secured. It’s not the prayer that saves. It’s all through God’s amazing grace by faith that we are saved.
That was was over nineteen and a half years ago and yet, it still feels like yesterday. I can honestly say, life has been far more of a struggle since being saved than it was prior to. Before that wonderful day in April of 2003, it seemed I didn’t struggle with too many issues. I thought I was above reproach and the enemy certainly didn’t bother or tempt me with things when I was right where he wanted me. He had me convinced I was okay and would be “rewarded” one day for all I’d done in my life. I would’ve been rewarded alright. Rewarded right into hell!
That is how the enemy works. If you’re not saved, he convinces you that you are and if you are saved, he convinces you that you’re not.
As I sit here thinking about the Christmas season we just celebrated, my heart is overwhelmed with gratitude for the gift of Jesus to the world. If He hadn’t come to earth, lived a perfect, sinless life, then willingly laid down His life, I would have never had the opportunity to experience an encounter with Him such as that written above. I would’ve been forever condemned to a devil’s hell no matter how good I thought I was. The bible says,“there is none righteous, no not one.” (Romans 3:10&11) “But we are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags;” (Isaiah 64:6) Realizing we’re wretched and sinful then humbly crying out to God for forgiveness and completely turning away from our former life (repentance) is how we are reconciled to a holy God. It’s all and only by the blood of Jesus we are forgiven and our sin covered. It is then we are justified…just as if we’d never sinned.
Grace and mercy lavished on us because of God’s incomprehensible love and all accomplished “while we were yet sinners”. (Romans 5:8)
If you do not know Jesus Christ as your personal Savior, I invite you to click here and you’ll be taken to our Relationship page where you can learn how to do that.
It’s THE most important decision you will ever make in this life. Please, don’t waste any more time or put it off until tomorrow. We are not promised tomorrow. “Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring.” Proverbs 27:1 ESV
“Behold, now is the accepted time; behold, now is the day of salvation.”
~ 2 Corinthians 6:2b NKJV
