Goodbye to the Soul Tie

I really shouldn’t be surprised.

I’m doing what I should’ve been doing my entire life.

I had no idea what I was being kept from.

My life was, well…

It was a life.

I lived it.

Raised my kids.

Followed an Army officer all around the U.S. and Asia.

Took care of the homes we lived in.

Yet something always felt a little bit off.

I couldn’t put my finger on it but it was there.

I could feel it.

Something that stirred within me.

Something that didn’t fit.

Yet I denied it.

For a very long time.

Years, even.

But I had made a promise.

No.

It was deeper than that.

It was a covenant.

A covenant that was tied to Almighty God.

A soul tie.

It was supposed to have been forever.

Well, at least until death parted us.

Not torn asunder by a willful choice.

But that’s all it took.

One willful choice and it was done.

Years of trust completely shattered in just one moment.

It could’ve never been mended.

How could it?

But I hoped.

Why?

Not sure exactly.

Was I afraid to face life alone?

Not really.

I’d been doing life alone for a long time.

I had grown accustomed to eating dinner by myself in front of the tv.

I’d learned to live with the deafening silence that filled the rooms of an empty house.

Silence can be very loud at times.

Was I hoping he’d realize his mistake and come back?

Perhaps.

We’d been together for over three decades.

How do you just walk away from that and start over?

I couldn’t wrap my mind around it.

I didn’t understand how he could say he loved me yet choose another.

What about our covenant?

What about our soul tie?

Was it okay for only one of us to decide it was over?

It was together we made the decision to get married.

Why should going our separate ways be any different?

If he wanted to live a godless existence and sleep around with others, why didn’t he just let me go?

Would it have made a difference?

Guess I’ll never know.

I would’ve been crushed either way.

Instead, he chose to sneak around behind my back.

He lied.

He cheated.

He stole.

He lied about everything.

His phone activity.

His emails.

His virtual encounters via FaceTime.

Not to mention, countless trips to her country, courtesy of the U.S. government no less.

And all of it right under my nose.

I was none the wiser.

But Someone was.

Jesus saw it.

Jesus saw every single text message.

Every single email.

Every single hotel room.

It’s all recorded in His book.

He will answer for his choices.

It’s out of my control.

It’s not up to me to save him.

I am not his Holy Spirit.

Although there were several times I tried to be.

I really did.

I thought I could get him to see “the error of his ways”.

I thought by confronting him, I could win him over.

It didn’t work.

It did the opposite.

Only the Spirit can bring conviction.

Only the Spirit can reveal truth that makes one morally accountable.

Only the Spirit can expose the reality of one’s heart, one’s intentions, one’s attitude, and one’s actions.

I’ve wasted a lot of time.

Hoping.

Hoping to reunite with a man who did nothing but abuse me.

Hoping to reunite with a man who did not cherish me.

Hoping to reunite with a man who did not respect me.

Yet, even knowing all of that, I’ve been secretly hoping and praying he’d humble his heart, repent, surrender his life to Jesus, and come home to his family.

This hope I shared with no one.

Didn’t even realize it as truth until a few days ago.

It was something my daughter said.

Just one thought from her perspective did something to me.

I’ve been hoping and praying for something that will not happen.

It’s false

It’s futile.

It’s empty.

I can hope and pray from now until the day Jesus calls me home but it’s not up to me.

I cannot choose where he spends eternity.

It’s his choice.

It’s not like he doesn’t know the truth of God’s word.

He’s heard it his entire life.

From the very beginning of our marriage, it seemed I was tasked with the mission of getting him to turn his life around.

It was never said aloud but always felt implied.

Perhaps that’s why something always felt a bit off.

Perhaps that’s why something didn’t fit.

I married a man who wanted very much to stay a part of the world.

He didn’t want to change and didn’t plan to.

He played his part as I played mine.

Only I wasn’t playing.

I was in it for life.

But it’s over.

It’s been over for many years.

I’m the one who’s been holding on.

But I cannot move forward with his baggage weighing me down.

And that’s exactly what he is.

Baggage.

A pile of lies, betrayal, and shattered pieces.

Pieces of an old life not meant to be put back together.

An old life that’s nothing more than a pile of ashes.

But I know Someone who knows what to do with ashes.

Bring beauty from them.

Beauty from the ashes of an old life burned down and destroyed by sin.

Beauty from the ashes of a covenant rent in two by selfish desires.

Beauty from the ashes of a soul tie torn asunder with a single, willful choice.

Beauty from the ashes of a shattered, yet healing heart.

Beauty from the ashes of a life still very much surrendered to Jesus.

On this very day that would’ve been our 40th wedding anniversary, it seems quite fitting to make a choice of my own.

Forty years in this wilderness is long enough.

Time to move on.

With my eyes fixed on Jesus.

The Author and Finisher of my faith.

I’m sure there will be twists and turns on the road ahead.

The enemy doesn’t like it when burdens are laid down at the feet of Jesus.

It’s like attaching a target to my back.

But I will press on.

When I am weak, it’s then I am strong.

I really shouldn’t be surprised.

I’m doing what I should’ve been doing my entire life.

I had no idea what I was being kept from.

Until now.

I’ve been kept from saying good-bye.

Goodbye to what is past and what will never be again.

Goodbye to a yoke of slavery Jesus never meant for me to carry.

Goodbye to a false and empty hope that has kept me in bondage.

Goodbye to the wilderness.

Goodbye to the baggage.

And finally…at long last…

Goodbye to the soul tie!