Mistaken Identity ~ Funeral Fire

I didn’t think it would be that simple.

Finding closure.

Agonizing over the lack thereof for years only to embrace it with one simple choice.

To go back to the exact same place it all started.

It’s so amazing how the Holy Spirit orchestrates a myriad of details and then brings them all together as a beautiful symphony of glory and praise to the Father.

The good and the bad. The grief and the laughter. The defeats as well as the victories.

My finite mind will never be able to comprehend the depth of His love for me nor how He can take one of the most grievous life events and bring beauty from its ashes.

It’s just what He does because He is God and He can.

Earlier this year, I told my mom I would like to fly out to the Pacific NW to visit her and my step-dad. I hadn’t been there for three years so knew it was time. I didn’t have any definite plans but did tell her I’d look at some dates and let her know. A few weeks later, she called and asked me if I was still coming. The anticipation in her voice was something I couldn’t dismiss as just a simple inquiry. She wanted me to come see her. That’s all it took for me to start looking at airfare and flight itineraries.

Long story short, I reserved vacation time off at work, then booked my flight and purchased my tickets.

I’m not sure why, but I’m always amazed at how each decision I make somehow corresponds with the next one. I’m finally understanding what it means to walk in the plans God has for me. The ever illusive “you need to find God’s will for your life” from my youth group days has taken on a whole new meaning since I realized when I keep Him at the center of my life and allow Him to be in control, the path I’m to walk opens up before me with very little effort. There’s no stress and no drama. It just works.

About a week after I booked my flight, I had an appointment with my trauma counselor. At that time, I was still trying to wrap my mind around the realization that had come to light in our previous session. The enormity of knowing that my ex saw me as a child in need of “training” during our marriage still weighed very heavy on my heart. I didn’t know what to do with it. In the interim between appointments my mental state was foggy. Not knowing which way to turn or what to think, I decided to stay focused on the truth I held in my heart that God had me…no matter what was happening.

During our conversation, we started discussing closure. I do not believe in coincidences because God is sovereign and nothing in my life happens by chance. It’s by design.

As we talked, she asked me if there was something I could do to find closure. Something tangible to convince my mind it was time to put the painful past behind me and move forward. I thought about it for a moment then said, “Well, I’m going back home in a few weeks….that’s where I met him, we dated, and got married…the church is still there…perhaps going there would help…” 

I had no idea how going back to the church we were married in would aid in my search for closure, but knew the Holy Spirit would lead me into every detail at the right time.

And He did.

For the next few weeks, the choice to go back to the church came together.

• I found a box in my closet with a few wedding photos, birthday cards, notes, etc that I thought I’d long since destroyed but hadn’t.
• I asked my daughter to get my original wedding set out of her safe so I could take it with me. (I’d given it to her right after the divorce because I wasn’t ready, at that time, to part with it.)
• When my daughter gave my rings back, my former spouse’s original wedding band was there as well. (I’d had it sized to fit my finger and started wearing it when he made us new rings for our 15th wedding anniversary.) I had forgotten I’d given it to her to keep for me. As I held those rings in my hand, I thought it was just as it should be. Gold circles that were once symbols of a love and covenant that should’ve had no end, were now just hollow reminders of broken vows, betrayal, and abandonment. Having his ring to bury along with mine, brought additional confirmation that the closure I longed for was well within my grasp.

Design.

• The old hymn “Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing” had been on my mind for days and I couldn’t figure out why I kept singing it over and over. There’s a phrase in the second verse that says “Here I raise mine Ebenezer, hither by Thy help I’m come”. There was something about those words that compelled me to know more about them so I started researching it a bit deeper. My search led me to the lyrics and the lyrics, to the Old Testament.

Specifically, 1 Samuel 7:7-12.

 ⁷ Now when the Philistines heard that the people of Israel had gathered at Mizpah, the lords of the Philistines went up against Israel. And when the people of Israel heard of it, they were afraid of the Philistines. ⁸ And the people of Israel said to Samuel, “Do not cease to cry out to the LORD our God for us, that He may save us from the hand of the Philistines.” ⁹ So Samuel took a nursing lamb and offered it as a whole burnt offering to the LORD. And Samuel cried out to the LORD for Israel, and the LORD answered him. ¹⁰ As Samuel was offering up the burnt offering, the Philistines drew near to attack Israel. But the LORD thundered with a mighty sound that day against the Philistines and threw them into confusion, and they were defeated before Israel. ¹¹ And the men of Israel went out from Mizpah and pursued the Philistines and struck them, as far as below Beth-car. ¹² Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen and called its name Ebenezer; for he said, “Till now the LORD has helped us.”

With several items gathered to take back with me, I thought it prudent to contact the current pastor of the church to get permission to be there. I didn’t want to go to the church unannounced as the staff might have thought I was loitering. The last thing I wanted was for them to think I was some random crazy woman hanging around trying to cause trouble. The pastor responded to my email and graciously told me it would be fine to come pray.

Divorce is a very difficult life event to come to terms with. Unlike death, there isn’t a grave to symbolize the finality of it. One day, you’re happily married, and the next, life comes to a screeching halt and you’re left to deal with the reality of facing life alone, even if it wasn’t what you wanted. In my case, it came out of nowhere and he had no trouble walking away. He’d walked away from our relationship several years prior. I truly believe he had it all planned out…just marking time until I finally discovered his web of lies and his infidelity. Once I did, it didn’t take him long to put his plan in motion to live the rest of his life without me in it.

The only life I’d known my entire adult life was over in about 10 seconds…and I was left to deal with the fallout.

The next thing I knew, he had sold the house, with all its remaining contents, packed up what he wanted to begin his “simple life”, and moved half way around the world to Japan.

Scenarios such as that don’t leave much room for closure. There were so many unanswered questions that I had to trust God with because I had no way of finding answers. He traveled to far off places all the time without returning for months so, to me, it was like he’d just gone on another work trip. I kept waiting for him to walk through my front door each evening and he’s never even lived in this house! I think it was my way of dealing with the blatant reality that he really didn’t love me as he said he did and he really wasn’t coming back this time. It’s strange what grief does to your mind. It doesn’t allow you to think clearly or rationally at all. While it stabs you in the heart over and over, it whispers words of hope in your ear. It’s cold and cruel. It makes you hang on…when all you want to do is let go.

It’s ruthless…relentless…unyielding.

Not sure you ever get over it really…

Beauty For Ashes

It was a beautiful day.

The sky was blue and a soft breeze was blowing. Even though I hadn’t lived in Washington for 40 years, the surroundings hadn’t changed much so I remembered the route to the church. When I came around a very familiar corner, my late in-laws previous home came into view. It was built adjacent to the church so, as pastor, my late father-in-law could be there whenever he was needed. I continued past the house and into the church driveway. It was then tears welled up in my eyes and spilled down my cheeks as a myriad of emotions flooded over me.

At 19, that place represented the beginning of a new life, a new family, a new adventure, and someone I loved to share it with.

At 60, it represented loss, heartache, grief, and betrayal.

After I parked my car, I walked over to the house. It had been sold to the church several years prior and now serves as a fellowship hall/annex. I looked into the windows then walked through the weeds where there used to be beautiful trees, shrubs, and flowers. The deck that encircled the house had been taken down as well as the bridge built for easy access to the church.

Everything I had ever known about life there was gone.

The passing of time has a way of doing that. What was once a home, full of life and activity, had become a graveyard for things that no longer remain. However, the good memories from those days will always be in my heart and I will treasure them.

I walked back over to the church and retrieved the few items from the car I’d brought to aid in the task just ahead…the symbolic funeral to bury the past and leave it behind.

I found the perfect spot, just behind the church. Out of view from random passers by and in the shade of a very big tree.

As I sat there on the ground and watched the flames dance around in the coffee can that served as my altar, thoughts flooded my mind. What I thought was a marriage built on a solid foundation of truth, with God at the center, was, in reality, one built on an unstable foundation of lies and manipulation; material possessions and greed. I worked so hard to be the the perfect wife, the perfect homemaker, the perfect weight…and yet, it was all for naught. The only thing left after the flames were gone, was a small pile of ashes. How sad they were all that remained to show for a lifetime built on a foundation of sand.

Those were sobering thoughts but they weren’t accompanied by any grief, which surprised me a little. I had grieved over the loss of my marriage for many years only to realize it wasn’t a loss that was bad for me. It was good. I couldn’t have said that six years ago but it’s absolute truth in my life now.

“In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which perishes though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ;”

~ 1 Peter 1:6-7 NASB

After that day, I started thinking about how I’d feel once I returned home to Alabama. Would I feel the same as I did just after the “funeral”? In Washington, I was with family so I thought, perhaps, they had kept my mind occupied so I didn’t have time to think about what had transpired under that tree. But I decided not to worry about it. God is the same no matter where I am so I stopped thinking about it and enjoyed the rest of the time with my mom.

I’ve been back home for a few months now and what transpired under that tree apparently stuck. I feel like a heavy burden has been lifted; like I’ve started a whole new life.

“Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”

~ Philippians 3:13&14 ESV

When I buried our rings along with the ashes, what I didn’t realize, at that time, was the grief was buried, too. I always thought some portion of pain would follow me to the grave but I was wrong. When God heals, He doesn’t do it half-way. He heals completely!

When Jesus healed the blind man, He didn’t just give him sight back in one eye..it was both. (John 9:1-11)

When Jesus healed the lame man at the pool of Bethesda, He healed both legs…not just one. (John 5:1-8)

When Jesus saved me from my sin, He didn’t just save half of my soul…He saved the whole thing! (2 Corinthians 5:17)

When Jesus healed me from the grief and pain of divorce, He healed it all!

Not long after returning from my trip, something completely unexpected happened. I went out into the garage to get something and noticed the paint on one of the walls was rippled. Upon further investigation, I discovered the hot water heater had been leaking. The walls behind and around it were completely soaked. Since I didn’t know how long the water had been running down the walls, I was afraid there could be mold growing in between them. I called a plumber and when he was finished checking it all out, sure enough, I needed a new hot water heater. He found a few other frightening things as well. The water had seeped into the electrical box inside the unit, caused a short, and actually caught on fire. The wires were black and crumbled in the plumber’s hand. The insulation surrounding the electrical box was black as well but it was wet. The plumber told me that’s what put the fire out. But from what little I know about electrical fires, water actually makes them worse, not better. The insulation had been on fire as well so that logic didn’t make sense to me somehow. I know what put the fire out and it wasn’t water soaked insulation. It wasn’t a what either. It was a Who!

It was a Who known as Almighty God!

As I stood there in my garage that day, with tears running down my cheeks, I thanked God over and over for His constant watch-care and provision over my life. Then, in the middle of my praise, I realized something else.

I wasn’t angry.

In the past, when stressful things like this happened, I’d immediately get angry because “he should be here…he shouldn’t have left…he should’ve stayed with me and helped me watch over things like this…I don’t know anything about hot water heaters…”

Oh, yes! In times past, the anger I held towards him for leaving me, after he promised never to do so, blamed him. Not the appliance that simply wore out due to hard, highly chlorinated water breaking it down from the inside out. Nope. In my heart, the anger always won.

But not this time.

What I realized was, instead of anger, there was peace and gratitude! Even though I don’t have a man here to watch over things like that, I have a Heavenly Father who does! No anger. Just praise, contentment, and gratitude for God’s hand on my life.

It was then I knew for certain that God had completely healed my heart.

When we’re in the valley and crushed to the very depth of our soul, it’s so easy to lose focus. We start to feel sorry for ourselves and want to quit. There were several times along the way I wanted to throw in the towel, wave the white flag, or raise up my hands in surrender and give up. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t give up…even when I truly wanted to.

Why?

Have you ever been faced with a choice to surrender something and, even though it was something you desperately wanted to hang onto, you KNEW you were going to surrender it anyway?

And not just that…

Did it feel as if there were something deep inside that actually enabled or equipped you to surrender it and you couldn’t have chosen NOT to surrender it, even if you wanted to, because you knew it’s what had to be done and you felt strengthened enough to surrender it yet you still didn’t want to but knew you would anyway?

And…

Once you surrendered, you felt peace, sorrow, contentment, and fear ALL at the same time?

How is that even possible?

Well, Webster’s defines it as a paradox…“a statement that is seemingly contradictory or opposed to common sense and yet is perhaps true”.

I’m not a walking dictionary but I have seen this scenario played out over and over in my life. In and of itself, it might be contradictory, but it makes perfect sense to me. I believe it comes with being human and having the Holy Spirit living inside us. Even though the soul within us is saved for all eternity, we still live in a body of unredeemed flesh. On this side of heaven, there will always be a struggle between our flesh and the Spirit within us. I find it has made me trust God all the more with the things in my life I don’t understand nor can wrap my finite mind around.

In the moments before Jesus was arrested in the Garden of Gethsemane, He fell to the ground under the weight of the burden He carried. He was “deeply grieved, to the point of death.” He was in such intense sorrow, He asked His Father if there were a different way, a plan B, to secure the forgiveness of all mankind but yet, He prayed, “Nevertheless, not My will but Yours be done.” He knew it was His Father’s will and He knew His sacrificial death was the only way to bring salvation to the world and yet, He struggled. He was perfect and was without sin but the human part of Him struggled.

As long as we live in this world, the life-choices of others, especially of those we love, will directly affect ours. I am so thankful for a Savior who knows and understands the grief of the human heart. I was completely unprepared for the impact betrayal and abandonment would have on my heart but Jesus wasn’t. He knew it would happen and He was there waiting for me, with out-stretched arms, when it did. I could’ve chosen to stay angry and rebel. I could’ve planned and plotted for a way to get back at my former spouse for all he put me through but what would I have gained? More pain and grief from continued interaction with a man who abused and manipulated me for his own gain? No. I didn’t want that. Instead, the Holy Spirit within me pointed me to Jesus and I ran to Him.

For the Christ-follower, God has a plan for each of us as we live on this earth. Our experiences may be similar but the path we choose and the decisions we make along the way are uniquely our own.

As for me, I want what God wants for my life.

I am more optimistic about my future now than I ever have been before.

Looking back now, I don’t even recognize myself as the young woman who lost her one true identity in another person. If I didn’t know better, I would say it was all a dream and I woke up 40 years later as the woman I am today. But I know full-well I lived it and I made it through to the other side. It was not an easy path to walk but I am thankful for every valley, every heartache, and every tear. For it was in those times, my faith was stretched far beyond what I ever thought it could be. And I grew!

It started with a case of mistaken identity and a young woman who was to be seen and not heard.

It ended with a case of true identity and an older woman who has come through the fire!

And she doesn’t even smell like smoke!

“But He knows the way that I take; when He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold.”

~ Job 23:10 NJKV