Dig Deep

Have you ever had a moment in your life when you felt the Spirit asking you to take a leap of faith?

Not just a step but an actual leap?

A leap into the unknown?

A leap into a place that’s completely out of your comfort zone?

It’s been over four years since I felt that initial urging to take such a leap and I’m so thankful I did. Looking back now, I didn’t have a lot of choice. I could’ve stayed and fought for a marriage my ex had already said he didn’t want to remain in or trust God and leap out into the unknown. I don’t remember consciously making the decision to leap. I only know I felt being in the unknown with God was a much better place to reside than staying in an abusive marriage with a controlling, adulterous, narcissistic man.

God rescued me by asking me to take that leap of faith. I didn’t know I needed rescuing at the time and could only see loss and heartache in front of me. I’m so thankful for the God who sees.

Jehovah El Roi. 

It really doesn’t seem possible that I’ve been on this  journey with Jesus for as long as I have. Sometimes I have to stop and pinch myself to ensure this life He’s given me isn’t just a figment of my imagination. He has blessed me beyond measure since I stepped off the edge of that metaphorical cliff and into His hand. He has provided for every single need.

When my divorce was final, I truly didn’t think I’d survive it. I’d never been more broken and alone. Obviously, I didn’t know then what I do now, but grief is an unpredictable emotion. It makes you feel, do, and say things you thought you never would. The past four years were fraught with many tears and much pain. However, I can also say I’ve experienced plenty of joy along the way as well. Sometimes stepping out into the unknown can be scary but when you know Jesus is there, fear is dispelled and peace ensues. 

Spring is in full force here in the South. The grass is turning green again and the plants that have been dormant all winter are, once again, popping up through the dirt and springing back to life. 

I have always enjoyed having a beautiful yard to look at but have NEVER enjoyed yard work. I still don’t, to some degree. It doesn’t matter if it’s pulling weeds, edging, or simply mowing the grass. Those are things that make me sweaty (especially in the humid South), dirty, and exhausted. But God has given me a new perspective and has changed my attitude about that, as well as a lot of other things. 

And it all started with a little dogwood tree.

I moved into my home in March of 2018. At that time, I had so much healing ahead of me, it wore me out just to think about it. My days were spent at work for eight hours then coming home and falling into bed, completely exhausted and overcome with heartache. However, on the weekends it was time to take care of my yard. God blessed me with a beautiful home and I was determined to be a good steward and take care of it to the best of my ability.

Which included taking care of my yard.

I have an average size front yard, but the back is much bigger. It’s mostly grass but I have made a small garden area right outside my patio door, complete with plants that don’t need a lot of attention. They basically pop up through the dirt at the beginning of Spring and look good until they die back and go dormant for another winter season. They’re very low maintenance which is perfect for me.

I’ll never forget the first time I mowed.  

I purchased a lawn mower and an edger to assist in my newfound effort to keep my lawn beautifully manicured. I’d helped with yard work during my marriage but was never completely in charge of it and really wasn’t expected to be. (Truth be told, I really didn’t want to be.)  Looking back, I really took it for granted that someone else always did the yard maintenance. I’m thankful I paid enough attention, from time to time, to have a little bit of knowledge as to what it took to mow the grass and maintain a yard.

With that being said, I knew absolutely nothing about maintaining a lawn mower. Gas, oil, spark plugs, air filter, engine…Ugh! Some assembly was required before I could start mowing. It was a daunting task and I was getting a bit anxious over the whole thing. I thought it would be easy to put together by having a picture of it fully assembled on the box as a guide. It was not! So, I found the owner’s manual and sat down to read each step before continuing in my effort to assemble my new gas powdered piece of machinery. 

I have no idea how long it took me to get the mower put together but, somehow, I managed it. 

I was ready! 

It started with the first pull of the cord! Guess the owner’s manual is put into the box for a reason after all! : )

As I started walking back and forth over the grass, suddenly, giant tears welled up in my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. I had no idea what brought them on but, as I’ve said before, grief is an unpredictable emotion. It comes and goes with no warning.

I stopped mowing and sat down right where I was. Right in the middle of my half-mown yard. 

“This is not fair, Jesus. Why do I have to be in this place all alone? Why don’t You send him back to me? I don’t know how to do life on my own. I shouldn’t have to be mowing this grass and taking care of this yard. He promised to be my helpmate and take care of me. Why does he just get to walk away and never look back?  I don’t like this nor do I understand it at all…”

Before I could finish my whining episode, I felt the Spirit speak to my heart.

“You need to embrace this season with your whole heart. You need to trust Me, no matter what happens. I am with you and in control. I know what I’m doing. I am molding you into the woman I created you to be. Not someone else’s perception of what you should be or need to be for him.

Trust Me.”

That’s all it took. I dried my tears with the edge of my dirty shirt, got up, and continued mowing.

That day was a turning point for me. I decided then and there I would embrace where God had placed me, no matter how unfair I thought it to be.

With my newly-found attitude to embrace my yard, I decided it needed some color. So, the very next weekend, I went to Home Depot to look for some flowers. Now, I do NOT have a green thumb AT ALL so decided to accept the fact that any flowers I purchased could, and probably would, die under my care. With that in mind, I bought a fairly inexpensive potted plant with a few flowers as an experiment. I placed it on my front porch and it was perfect. It brought just the pop of color I was hoping for.

When my daughter came to visit me a few days later, she saw the plant on the porch and thought I had a secret admirer because, and I quote, “there’s no way my mom would buy a living plant!”

My kids know me so well!

Having been successful with the potted plant, I decided to take things to the next level.

To dig a little deeper.

I decided my back yard needed a tree.

I have always loved dogwood trees. I’ve enjoyed their beauty in several places I’ve lived over the years so I thought one for my “Beauty for Ashes” home would be perfect.

I searched all the garden centers in my area for one but couldn’t find the one I wanted. Somehow I knew I’d know the right one when I saw it. 

So I took to the internet and did an online search for dogwood trees. I looked at several beautiful ones before I found the right one. A Cherokee Brave Dogwood. I believe it was the name that drew me to it. Cherokee for my ancestry and heritage; brave because it just seemed a fitting word to describe the way I felt I needed to be during that transition.

Buying a tree online was something I’d never done before. Actually, I’d never bought a tree before,  period, so I wanted to be sure I educated myself on every detail so I didn’t mess it up. I wanted to know everything about the tree from how the nursery prepared it for shipping, to how to go about getting it planted once it arrived. 

After gleaning all the facts I could from the website, I ordered it and then the wait ensued. It seemed like forever to the scheduled delivery date but, in the mean time, I developed my planting plan. 

I found out early on, when you’re grieving and feel uprooted and alone, you try your best to find joy in everything you can. No matter how small or trivial it may seem. Purchasing that little tree brought me such joy and I couldn’t wait to see it planted in my yard.

When it was finally delivered, it was exactly as the website had described. It was already about four feet tall. Its roots were pretty well established and still encased in the soil it had been growing in.

As I looked it over, in my mind, I pictured the gardener as he dug around the perimeter of the space the tree had been growing in. Once he ensured he had enough soil around the roots for safe transport, he reached down and pulled very gently on the trunk to break the roots free from the place they were comfortable. That thought brought tears to my eyes because my next thought was, if my tree were capable of feelings, I’m sure that part of the process was very painful. To be suddenly uprooted from your established, comfortable place, bound together with twine, wrapped in paper, forced into a confined space, and shipped off to begin a new life in someone’s back yard, not to mention a totally different soil and climate. I’m sure all of that was a shock to its system. And I’m sure there were remnants of its roots left behind in the soil it had been pulled from. Remnants of its former life left behind, never to be part of it again.

As I stood in my garage looking down into the box, I realized my tree’s very survival depended on me getting it into the ground as quickly as possible. It had been uprooted for several days and needed to be planted and watered before it started to wither and die. I gathered all the tools needed to plant my tree and headed to the backyard. 

After what felt like hours, I finally had the hole deep enough to put the tree in. I carefully unwrapped it from the paper it had been bound in then cut the twine so it could stretch out and become the beautiful creation God meant for it to be. I loosened the soil, encased around the roots for their protection, just a little, to give them a good start in the new dirt they’d soon take ahold of. I placed my tree into the hole I’d prepared, filled it with dirt, and pressed it down firmly to ensure the roots were securely tucked into their new place then I watered it liberally. I continued this process until the water softened dirt was encased all around the small trunk of the tree. From the surface, all you could see was a small tree, firmly planted in its new soil. But underneath, freshly planted roots were getting used to their new environment. 

I believe that little dogwood was in shock for a few days as some of the leaves withered and fell off. But every day, I diligently watched over it and ensured it had enough water so the roots didn’t dry out, wither, and die.

 A few days later, as I was out in the back yard watering my new tree and checking on its transplant progress, I had an overwhelming feeling that my own life, at that moment, was just like that of my dogwood tree. I had recently been transplanted and was feeling the residual effect of shock as well. 

This is what the Holy Spirit impressed on my heart that day.

As my Master Gardener, God uprooted me from a place of comfort, where my roots had been established for quite a few years. He unwrapped me from and cut away the bonds of my former life so I could stretch out and become the beautiful creation He always meant for me to be. He completely loosed the chains, that had been encased around me to keep me in bondage, and set me free to start a new life that would soon take ahold of me. He planted my roots in healthy soil in order to heal my wounds and mend my shattered heart. Even though remnants of roots from my former life were left behind, never to be part of me again, I am thankful for them because without them, I wouldn’t be where I am or even who I am today. All the years spent in that previous soil, taught me valuable life lessons. 

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.”

~ Romans 8:28 KJV

Every day, God diligently watched my progress and poured His living water over me and ensured my new roots were taking ahold of the new soil He’d placed me in. He very carefully covered me in His mercy, His peace, and His amazing grace so I didn’t lose heart, wither, and die.

On the surface, all that could be seen was the cliche of a newly divorced, middle aged woman, starting over in life. But underneath, a shattered heart was mending and striving to get used to living alone in the new environment she found herself in. 

Just as I had to dig deep into the ground to ensure my dogwood had good soil to be planted in, I had to trust Jesus and allow Him to dig deep inside my heart to uproot me from a life situation that was only going to get progressively worse as time went on. God knew every detail and knew where I was headed. He wanted to get me into better soil and into an environment where I could heal then grow and flourish in.

As I sit here, four years later, I can tell you with every ounce of my being that I am very grateful and thankful for this painful journey. Would I have chosen on my own to walk through it? Not ever. I would’ve stayed in an abusive relationship and would’ve continued to be faithful to a man who is a cheater and a manipulator. I see him now for who he truly is. It took a long time to get there because my human, finite mind could not accept the fact that the man who was supposed to love me forever, was, in fact, the exact opposite of who and what he claimed to be. But God, in His infinite mercy and grace, reached down and uprooted me from that toxic environment and has placed me in new soil. A soil deeply rooted in truth and love. 

Whenever I look out my living room window and see my beautiful dogwood tree, I am reminded of how very much God loves me. My tree is doing very well. I’ve had to do a little pruning here and there, as is to be expected, but it’s growing and thriving right where I planted it. 

As am I. Growing and thriving right where God planted me.

I have found my life is so much more content when I allow God to have control and guide my steps. When I take over and try to make things happen that I want, in my timeframe, I fall on my face every single time. I have been absolutely astounded at what He can accomplish in a short time that I tried to make happen for years. I struggled with and agonized over trying to make a man love me who was never going to change. I saw the writing on the wall long before I gave in. I was determined to make it work. I was determined to fix it. And therein lay my problem. I had an I problem! I was trying to make it work when God was showing me it was over. It wasn’t until I finally decided to look deep into my heart and surrender everything to His will, that I saw the truth. It didn’t matter how much it hurt. It didn’t matter that I had to start completely over at the age of 54. At that time, all that mattered was what God wanted. What I’d been striving to fix for 4 long years, God brought to an end in 4 short months. 

And my life is completely different and so very peaceful as a result. 

The path to this new found peace and renewal was not easy. There were many tears and triggers along the way. But I wouldn’t change any of it for anything. God has very clearly shown me who He is. I can’t not trust Him. He has shown Himself to be faithful and true, in every situation, every single time. 

Digging deep and looking within ourselves is a hard task. We may find things locked away within our hearts that aren’t pretty or pleasing. I’ve done it many times and haven’t liked what I’ve found. But I can tell you this with absolute surety. God is faithful. Even when it seems He’s asking us to do something we don’t feel we have the strength to do, He is faithful. Even when it seems He’s allowing painful situations to touch our lives, He is faithful. And yes, even when He uproots you from everything you’ve ever known and places you on a completely different path, He.Is.Faithful. Through it all.

I was given a CD a few months back and the music has taken root within my heart. There is one song in particular that has special meaning for me as it goes right along with my journey. The name of the song is Faithful Through it All by The Brown Family. 

“He’s always done what He said He would do. Time and time again, He’s brought me through. His mercies have been new, every single day. His grace has been sufficient, every step of the way. Every time I can recall, He’s been faithful…faithful through it all.” ~ Brianna Brown

Simple, meaningful words that carry with them such amazing truth. 

Something else I have learned through all of this uprooting and replanting?

It’s a choice. 

God created every single one of us with a free will. The power to choose.

My first choice came when asked if I chose Jesus, even if I lost (what I thought at that time) everything. I chose Jesus, without hesitation. After that, the rest of the choices seemed easier. It’s that initial surrender that hangs so many people up. We like to be in control or what we perceive as control. So many things in this life are completely out of our hands. We cannot control the choice of another. My ex had already made several choices that got us to the point of no return. All that was left for me to do, was surrender my broken life and my shattered heart into the care of my Savior and He took care of the rest.

“If God is for us, who can be against us?” ~ Romans 8:31b ESV

I know without any doubt that God is for me. He is on my side. But I also know, He wants me to surrender my will to His daily. Being that I am human, sometimes that’s difficult because there are times I want my own agenda but when I look deeply into my heart and I know that God only wants His very best for me, it changes my perspective and I gladly surrender control to Him. I don’t have to worry about anything that way. Since He is for me and holds me in the palm of His hand, who is able to touch me there? The answer to that is simple. Nothing or no one He has not given permission to. So, that means, if He does allow something painful or grievous to touch me, it’s been filtered through His loving hand first. I am safe either way. I trust Him either way. He still holds me in the palm of His hand, through it all. 

What about you?

Is Jesus asking you to make a decision that will change the entire course of your life?

Is He asking you to trust Him with something that is out of your control? 

What is He asking you to leap out in faith for?

You can absolutely trust Him. 

He sees and knows everything that we do not. 

We may not understand what God is doing, just as I didn’t in the beginning, but we can be assured He does. The more we seek, the more we find. The more we endeavor to reflect Him, in doing the things He desires, the more we become like Him. Not perfect by any stretch, as we are just sinners saved by grace, but when we desire what He desires, the easier surrendering becomes. I am a living, breathing testimony of this. I have seen God do things in my life that didn’t make sense to my finite mind. They don’t make sense in the natural. But God is Spirit and He does things that are above and beyond our understanding. He simply wants us to trust Him, with all our heart.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths.” ~ Proverbs 3:5&6 ESV

Such a precious promise from God’s word. 

Trust Him to lead you. Trust Him to guide you. Give Him your heart and don’t worry if it doesn’t make sense to your human understanding.

In His time, it will. Then you will be grateful you surrendered your heart to Him and allowed Him do a work in your life.

You will be so very thankful you made the choice to let Him dig deep.