Restore

This is new.

I’ve never been here before.

I don’t recognize it.

It doesn’t remind me of any place I’ve ever been.

And I’ve been a lot of places in my life.

At least it’s not dark like the last time I was suddenly in a new place.

That was scary.

It feels different here, too.

I can’t see very far down the path in front of me but I’m good with that.

I’m thankful I don’t have to worry about what’s up ahead because I know Someone who already does and the way is prepared.

So thankful He’ll be with me.

One good thing about this place already is the pain isn’t as intense and debilitating as it once was. It’s not completely gone but it’s bearable.

Wonder where I am?

I’m sure this place has a name.

Or maybe it’s just a word?

I’ve definitely been to places I could define with just one word.

HELP!

But this place doesn’t feel desperate or like a place I should fear.

Not quite sure how it feels here yet.

Hmmmmm…

Refreshing?

Is that the right word?

Maybe it’s still too new to know for sure.

Guess I’ll think about it a little longe…

You were just listening to me, weren’t You? Just me thinking out loud again. I do that a lot, don’t I?

I get caught up in my own thoughts and get carried away sometimes.

Yes, You do know that about me.

It usually gets me in trouble by going down rabbit holes that distract me and throw me off the path.

I was just trying to figure out how it feels here.

It sure is. It’s definitely different from the last one. That place caught me completely off guard. Arriving here seems to have happened gradually.

Yes, Jesus…that is one thing I learned last time. The places You lead always have purpose and usually come with a process. Just because it’s not as painful as the last one doesn’t mean I’m fooling myself into thinking there might not be a few rough patches along the way.

I’ve actually come to expect them.

But it does feel peaceful.

Maybe that’s the word?

Peaceful?

Anyway…

We’ve never been here before, have we?

Didn’t think I recognized it.

So, where is here?

Do I? ‘Cause I’m not sure I do.

I’m still trying to figure it out.

I know it took a long time to get here…wherever it is we are…didn’t it?

That long?

Five years?

Sometimes it feels like it all happened just yesterday. I still remember it like it did. But when I look at the date on the calendar, I know it’s true.

I know. I struggled a lot during that time.

No, it really shouldn’t. After being married as long as we were, it shouldn’t be a surprise. I still struggle sometimes.

It was painful. More painful than I ever thought humanly possible.

I didn’t know pain such as that even existed, let alone be survivable. Truth be told, somedays I didn’t want to survive. I just wanted You to take me home so it would stop. It was like someone had performed open heart surgery and, instead of mending it, blew it apart and walked away.

((Ugh))

I mean, who does that, Jesus? What type of person would deliberately cause pain and suffering to someone they were supposed to love more than anything?

I know…I’ve asked this question a hundred times before…but I still can’t wrap my mind around it. How can anyone deliberately hurt another just for the pure enjoyment of it?

It’s sick.

The answer?

Yes, I do. I do know it.

I know it all too well.

Someone who doesn’t know You.

It was very dark there…in that place…remember?

Of course, You do.

You planted me there?

So much has happened since then. Guess I need to be reminded, once in awhile, of where I started. It’s painful to go back to that place. But reflecting on it does show how far I’ve come.

Yes, it was. It was very fast. One day, I was married and the next…well, You know the rest.

I was confused, didn’t understand it, didn’t know why…

Anyway…

((Sigh))

Yes. Yes, I do remember thinking you planted me as a tree. Not sure how I came to that conclusion being that trees don’t dwell in dark places.

But seeds do.

A fully grown mature tree starts in the ground as a seed. It’s a process. I was a seed in the dark and in the dirt. Not a very comfortable place to be and yet, I felt very secure. Protected. Covered. In fact, somehow, those feelings have never left me.

Hmmmmm.

I didn’t think my life could’ve been any lower at that point. I was crushed.

I know You remember it, too.

That place was such a paradox.

I couldn’t figure out how I could be in such a dark place yet sense light. Or how I was seemingly alone yet felt held. And there was pain. Oh, I felt such pain and yet, I felt a soothing touch on my heart. It was strangely quiet, yet I was aware of sound.

I can honestly say, I was really scared back then. It was a place that was unknown and did not make sense.

But once I realized You were there, I wasn’t afraid anymore.

When all I could see was darkness, You were there as the Light I could sense. When I was alone and couldn’t see You, You were there because I could feel You holding me. When I didn’t think I could bear the pain any longer, You were there because I could feel the relief of Your gentle touch on my heart. When it was quiet, You were there because I could hear You rejoicing over me with singing.

Oh, yes. I hung on to that passage of scripture with everything within me because it brought such amazing comfort.

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”

~ Psalm 34:18 ESV

I am so overwhelmed and in awe of Your goodness to me.

Never has anyone loved me as You do.

My faith has grown so much! I don’t even know how to not trust You.

No, no. I don’t want to know.

But how did that even happen? I’ve always been a little wishy-washy.

Oh yes. I know it.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths.”

~ Proverbs 3:5&6 ESV

Yes, Jesus…I did. I did trust You.

I do trust You.

I hate to say I didn’t have any other choice but I didn’t have any other choice.

It was either run to You and trust You completely OR run from You and depend on myself. I knew I’d never make it without You so You were (and are) my only choice.

I was such a hot mess…

…but You embraced me. Right in the middle of the darkest time in my life, You were there.

Yes, always! You never leave me or forsake me.

Another precious promise.

The pain back then had such a grip on me. I didn’t think it would ever let go. And the anger. Oh, I was so angry.

No. It doesn’t hurt quite so much anymore but, as You know, there are times, like when I talk about it, the pain bubbles up and, before I know it, the tears are falling…again.

But I know that’s okay, too.

Ruth? Oh, yes. Ruth. What a precious woman of God You brought into my life when I was an awkward teenager. Thank You for Ruth, Jesus. She taught me that tears are meant for cleansing. I have never forgotten that.

I know there is a promise in Your word that says You know each tear and hold them in a bottle.

Yes, I will look it up because I want to quote it correctly. My bible is right here.

Here it is.

Another beautiful Psalm.

How precious is Your love for me!

Not only do You know the number of each hair on my head, You hold my tears in a bottle. As the psalmist, David, wrote, in another one of my favorite psalms…

“Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it.”

~ Psalm 139:6 ESV

Even though I know I still have some pain to work through, I know the anger is gone. I held onto it for quite some time but I realized it was only hurting me so I had to release it to You.

The anger has been replaced by peace and contentment.

I am so thankful.

Oh yes, I know it did!

My vacation came at just the right time.

I randomly picked the week of my birthday but now I know it was by Your design. Nothing is an accident with You.

I sorted through a lot of things, literally. But not only that, I was able to sort through a lot of emotional baggage as well. I was able to get some things settled as well as let some things go.

What is that? What is it I need to remember, Jesus?

Oh. That. I do have a tendency to do that.

Yes. I will remember. I don’t want to let pride take hold and convince me I’ve arrived. I’ve been there before…too many times on this journey.

Thank You for reminding me.

Yes, that’s happened a lot. I realize there could be a few set-backs now and then but I know You will strengthen me when and if they come.

No, I don’t want to go back.

You’ve brought me too far.

The only thing that made the first few years bearable was the assurance of knowing You were right there in the dirt with me.

Yes. In the mud, too. At first, I recall I didn’t much want to be there and I also recall, I had a bit of an attitude as well. But dwelling in that place wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Even resting in the mud was made easier because You were there.

Oh, yes. I do. I do remember what I promised You.

I said I would wait with You. That I would rest in Your loving shadow. I would wait until it was time to take the next step. However long it took. It was just You and me. And I knew no matter what happened, I’d be okay.

And I was.

I am.

I rested in Your shadow with Your loving hand covering me. You let me stay there for as long as I needed.

You never left me.

I know. And You never, ever will.

Oh! Yes! I love that Psalm, too!

“He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the mud; And He set my feet on a rock, making my footsteps firm. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God;”

~ Psalm 40:2&3a NASB

Yes, I really do! I really do feel like I’m living on a firm foundation. I’m certainly not walking on egg-shells any more. That was such a grievous way to live.

I feel grounded now.

Maybe that’s the word for this place?

Grounded.

Grounded?

Perhaps?

Oh well. Guess I’ll figure it out eventually.

There I go again…my thoughts taking me away again.

Jesus?

I have a question.

About this letting go thing?

Is it going to stick this time? I mean, somehow, it feels different from all the other times I tried to let him go.

Yes. I know that one, too.

“…for You have been my help, and in the shadow of Your wings I will sing for joy. My soul clings to You; Your right hand upholds me.

~ Psalm 63:7&8 ESV

Yes, Jesus. That answers my question completely.

You have and will be my help. I don’t have to worry about anything sticking this time. My very soul clings to You and You uphold me.

Hhhhheeeeeyyyyyy…wait a minute!

I just thought of something…

Yes. Yes! It is another Psalm.

Psalm 91.

“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High, will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”

~ Psalm 91:1&2

This scripture says I abide in Your shadow. That’s present tense.

I’m still there?

I never left?

I thought I was only there for a little while…

While I was in the dirt You planted me in…

So I could rest until it was time to move on…

I’ve always been there?

I’ve always been there. 

How have I not caught on to this before? Where have I been? Living under a rock?

No, that’s right! Just in the dirt. I love how You make me laugh.

I abide there…in Your shadow…and You uphold me…just as the previous verse said!

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you.”

~ Psalm 32:8 ESV

Ohhhhhhhh, yes. Yes, You do.

Thank You, Jesus! Such a precious promise.

You see me.

((Sigh))

Jesus, here are some more tears for Your bottle…

I wouldn’t have survived this journey had it not been for You. I really don’t know how others live in this world without You. It just doesn’t make sense to me. Neither does someone walking away from You after they know who You are and all…

…all You’ve done to set them free!

Just like him, Jesus.

I know You do. You know how very much I loved him.

I don’t think I’ll ever truly know what happened with us. But it happened, nonetheless…

I’m not going to dwell on it anymore.

Wait…I need to re-phrase that.

With Your help and in Your strength, I’m not going to dwell on it anymore. Sometimes I am weak and I lose my foothold. But even in that, I know You’re there and You pick me up.

((Sigh))

We were talking about my vacation, weren’t we?

I remember the few weeks prior to it were awful.

I felt so restless.

I couldn’t pray; couldn’t write; couldn’t focus.

So out-of-sorts.

Like a square peg in a round hole.

I thought, perhaps I just needed a break from work since I hadn’t taken a vacation all year. But, it was deeper than that. I didn’t know what it was, exactly, but I knew something was about to change.

Instead of run to others for help and advice, I retreated and stayed away from church for a few weeks. I just wanted to be alone, with You. It’s what I did when everything in my life crumbled five years ago. Somehow, it helps me focus and seek You with more intensity.

Yes, it truly does. It works for me.

For the most part, You were quiet during that time. I knew You were there because You never leave me but You let me do a lot of thinking. I think I even traveled a few rabbit holes.

Then my vacation started.

I did the projects I wanted to do and, after sorting through all the pictures from the boxes in the closet, was finally able to find closure about my marriage and the man I shared my life with for so long.

All glory to You for the closure I’ve been seeking for such a long time.

After that, the writer’s fog was lifted and I was able to write again.

I know that was You. The words flew through my fingers onto the keyboard. I really didn’t have to think about them. They were just there. I finished most of the writing in just one afternoon and that’s rare for me. I entitled it Rest, Renewal, and Letting Go because that’s exactly how I felt after that vacation.

After my vacation ended, I think I fell into a bit of a depression. Not only did I not want to go to church, I didn’t even feel like attending my Sunday school class. Which, in and of itself, was odd because I really enjoyed being there.

Yes, I do believe that was part of it.

I do remember thinking about not really wanting to study one particular section of our Sunday school literature. I only thought about it one time but now that You’ve reminded me, I think, subconsciously, I knew the book of Hosea was coming up soon and I was concerned about being in class, listening to a story that touched on the subject of infidelity. Not that I thought anyone would’ve judged me, I just thought I’d rather avoid it all together. After the victories I’d had over vacation, I just didn’t want to go back.

Looking back, that was definitely part of the restlessness I was feeling, even though I didn’t realize it at the time.

It was also during this time I received an invitation to the class Sunday school Christmas party. A couples Christmas party. I knew I couldn’t go to that.

It was then I started looking on our church website to see if they had a different class I could start attending but couldn’t find one.

Yes, I was. I was wrong. And happy to admit it.

For some reason (I know it was You), I decided to give the website one more look.

I love how You lead me. One touch to my heart or a simple thought brought to mind…

I found it.

Yes, Jesus. I do know why…now.

I felt like a square peg in a round hole because I actually was. I didn’t fit into the couples class.

It was a familiar, soft place to land when I first went back to church after being out for three years. I needed to be somewhere I felt loved. They welcomed me with open arms and let me grieve there for a little while.

I’m pretty sure some were grieving with me. They knew him, too, from when we first joine…

…but seasons change.

No, I’m not part of a couple anymore, am I?

But I’m okay with that. I’m there now. In the exact place You told me I needed to get to.

Content with just us. You and me.

Oh, yes! There is such joy!

Speaking of joy…

Yes! I did!

I’ve joined a new Sunday School class.

Your timing is always so perfect! Even as recently as just a few months ago, I don’t think I was ready to move on.

Yes, I was. I was still holding on to the past. I just get so comfortable.

You already know that about me.

But You also know the desire of my heart is to be where You want me. My heart is willing to take the first step but, sometimes, I need a little push to put my foot out there. So, when I realized something was about to change, I waited for Your timing.

Once I was on the website and saw the name the small groups were listed under, I knew it’s where I needed to b…

Jesus! 

That’s it!

That’s the word!

Isn’t it?

Yes!!

It’s the word I’ve been trying to think of all day!

The one to describe this new place and how I feel!

And…

…what’s so amazing about this word, is that it’s found as another promise in Your precious word!

I have read this scripture over and over but I didn’t realize the impact it would have on my life until this very moment!

After years of manipulation, gas-lighting, abuse, rejection, betrayal, many (many) tears, so many questions, so many unknowns, lies, empty promises, strings, pain, anger, striving, deception, and so much grief…

THIS…

“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.”

~ 1 Peter 5:10 ESV

The name of the ladies group I’ve joined is called Restore.

Restore.

Oh, how I long for that. I didn’t realize just how much until now.

That’s what this new place is.

Present tense, in every moment, walking with You…as You restore what the enemy tried to destroy.

Jesus, Shepherd of my heart, the King of who I am, my Refuge and my Strength, my Salvation.

You did something for me on the first Sunday in the new class that not one other person was aware of except me.

But I knew.

You were right there when the first lesson I was able to study with my new class, was the last chapter of Hosea.

Then it hit me…

The weeks I had retreated with You to pray and seek our next steps, were the very same ones the adult Sunday school classes were studying through the book of Hosea!

I missed the entire thing! I missed all of it with the exception of the last chapter, which was all about restoration!

That’s the kind of Savior You are. You care for the smallest things that concern me. I didn’t even have to ask You for anything. You just did it.

Jehovah Ei Roi. You are the God who sees!

I sat there in that room, with new friends (which some, not coincidentally, having been through the exact same things I have), with tears falling from my eyes, knowing You had led me to the perfect place for the next season of our journey.

Being surrendered to You is the most contented way to live. You make it so easy.

Not easily done, rather done with ease*.

Oh, Jesus! I understand it now!!

Your word is so amazing! It’s alive and always speaks to wherever I am in my life. It is life and breath to me!

I have read and even heard this scripture quoted over and over during my lifetime but never has it been more clear than now!

What You said in the gospel of Matthew is as true now as it was then.

“Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.”

~ Matthew 11:28-30 ESV

Oh, Jesus! Thank You for Your precious word, alive, full of truth, and so many precious promises! I am completely overwhelmed by Your goodness.

My heart echoes that of King David.

“You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing Your praise and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever!”

~ Psalm 30:11 ESV

Whatever comes, I will walk with You, one step at a time in this new place.

As long as we’re together, I could want for nothing more.

Oh, yes! Yes, I am! I’m ready, Jesus.

Bring on Restore.