The First of Many

“Therefore I urge you, brothers and sisters, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies [dedicating all of yourselves, set apart] as a living sacrifice, holy and well-pleasing to God, which is your rational (logical, intelligent) act of worship. 

And do not be conformed to this world [any longer with its superficial values and customs], but be transformed and progressively changed [as you mature spiritually] by the renewing of your mind [focusing on Godly values and ethical attitudes], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His plan and purpose for you].” ~ Romans 12:1&2 AMP

Have you ever been stuck in a pattern of thought or worry that you knew was not healthy nor productive yet you just couldn’t seem to break free from it?

God’s word tells us not to be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of our mind. For a very long time, I didn’t completely understand what that meant and worse yet, had no idea how to do it even if I had understood its meaning.

Healing from grief and heartache is a process. Choices are made, whether by us or by others, that effect our lives and ultimately, our minds. The actions of others may hurt or wound us in the moment but in the aftermath, our minds take over. Sometimes we accept denial as a defense mechanism against the pain or, as was my case, believe the lies the enemy plants and then plummet into depression. Either way, we are imprisoned.

God tells us to stop imitating the pattern and ideals of this world then choose to allow the Holy Spirit to change our thoughts from the inside out. In other words, stop letting the world dictate how we think and how we act and instead, allow the Holy Spirit to completely reform our thinking with the intent of setting it back on the right path. The path of truth. God’s truth.

Oh, how I hunger for more and more of God’s truth in my life!

With that being said, the past three years have been filled with many “firsts” for me. Unexpected events that have caught me by surprise. Changes in my personal life, as well as the recent events in the the world, have effected the environment in me and around me.

I always love being in my home because it’s my safe place away from the world but it’s the first time I’ve ever been quarantined and confined to it for 3 months straight. It’s the first time I’ve ever been separated from my kids and grandkids, knowing I couldn’t just get in my car and go see them whenever I wanted to. It’s the first time I’ve ever felt panic hang in the air like a fog. It’s the first time I’ve seen people with masks over their face, yet see such fear in their eyes. It’s the first time I’ve flown on an airplane that wasn’t filled to capacity. It’s the first time I’ve attended a wedding celebration where the bride and groom were told they were limited to the number of guests they could invite. It’s the first time I’ve ever experienced the uneasy feeling of realizing how quickly our freedom to choose could be taken away. It’s the first time I’d ever experienced the entire world changing at the same time.

And it was isolating.

So many firsts.

So much change in such a short period of time.

I have felt stuck. Stuck in a place out of my control and way out of my comfort zone. So many unknowns. So many questions. With no answers.

Have you ever felt that way?

The world, as a whole, is stuck. Imprisoned, if you will, and it grieves my heart. The world needs hope. The world needs healing. The world needs Jesus.

With everything that’s happening all around us today, it’s growing more and more difficult to keep our minds focused on anything positive or hopeful. The news is so full of contradiction and we can’t believe what is being broadcast over the airwaves or posted on social media.

So, what are we to believe? What is the truth? Better yet, where do we go to find the truth?

In times past, my initial reaction to something unexpected happening in my life would’ve been to worry first then talk to God but only after realizing that worrying about situations out of my control doesn’t help. But now, whenever I have questions about anything that is happening in this world or in my life, I talk to God about it, first. God has shown me so many things about who He is and how much He cares about the things we care about. I am so thankful He’s never caught off-guard and is never surprised by the events that touch our lives.

There’s a very special scripture the Spirit whispers to my heart whenever my mind starts to focus and dwell on things happening around me. It’s found in the New Testament book of Philippians and it says the following.

“Finally, believers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable and worthy of respect, whatever is right and confirmed by God’s word, whatever is pure and wholesome, whatever is lovely and brings peace, whatever is admirable and of good repute; if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think continually on these things [center your mind on them, and implant them in your heart]. 

The things which you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things [in daily life], and the God [who is the source] of peace and well-being will be with you.” ~ Philippians 4:8&9 AMP

Such beautiful words that sound easy enough to do, right?

However, these beautiful words come with a choice. A condition. A change in our thought pattern. Keep your thoughts continually fixed. That is the choice. We must choose to think on the authentic and real; the honorable and admirable; the beautiful and respectful; the pure and holy; the merciful and kind; every glorious work of God; praising Him always.

Then, we’ll have God’s peace.

I don’t know about you but, for me, that has been harder in days past. Along with all that is happening in our world, I’m still learning how to let go of some of the thoughts and actions lingering from my previous life. The healing process is still in full effect in my heart and mind. Some thoughts and events have been fairly easy to release and yet others are still there, just waiting for the right trigger to send them to the forefront of my mind.

Up until a few short months ago, I struggled with one thought in particular and even though I knew the reality, it didn’t help free me from the bondage of my own thinking. I was imprisoned in my own mind.

If you’ve read the blog post entitled Shattered Surrender, you know it’s the story of what happened in my marriage that led to my divorce almost three years ago now. The man I was married to for over three decades, was an imposter. He was a complete lie. I had spent my entire adult life with the “man” my ex let me see and fall in love with. The man I married (who I truly thought him to be) was charming, devoted, committed, funny, nurturing, romantic, compassionate, and vowed to love me until death parted us. When God removed his mask and revealed his true identity and character, my world was shattered. Everything I thought to be true, turned out to be one huge lie. I just could not wrap my mind around the fact that the man I knew and loved, was someone who had betrayed me over and over through adultery, lied to me every time he opened his mouth to speak, and had been living a totally separate life, with another woman and her kids.

I struggled with the truth of who he really was for a very long time. My mind wanted to cling to the imposter. Although he was literally and physically out of my life, the man I knew and loved was, at that time, still very much a part of me. The imposter was alive and well in my mind.

I was stuck. So much so, it was almost paralyzing at times.

So, how do you fall out of love with a figment of your imagination? The imposter was all I knew for many, many years. He was the man I vowed my life to. He was the father of my three children. He was the man I was going to grow old with. Oh, and he played the part very well. I joked with him at times and told him what a great actor he was. Little did I know the truth of the words I’d spoken. Little did I know my life was his stage and my heart, his puppet. I truly mean it when I say I had no idea he was two different people. That sounds so cliche but it is truth. I absolutely and completely adored him. And he absolutely and completely fooled me.

After the divorce, the imposter I was in love with became the man I desperately wanted to remove from my thoughts and, harder still, from my heart.

The enemy wanted me stuck in that mindset. He knew the thoughts that would plunge me into despair. He took every opportunity to remind me of happier times in our life together then whisper lies such as, “Oh, he wasn’t all that bad. You had some good times together. So what if he lied once in awhile. Doesn’t everybody?” The enemy knew the longer he could keep me focused on the past and on all I’d lost, then whisper lies and convince me to keep hanging on to the imposter, I’d be ineffective in my life, in my faith, and in the healing process. After being manipulated and lied to for three decades, it was one of the most grievous and difficult choices I ever had to make to let “him” go. While it may sound easy to let go of a person who doesn’t truly exist, he was very real to me. He was the man I loved and lived with every day for 35 years. Accepting who he truly was, and still is, was excruciating. It grieves my heart to say I stayed in that place for quite some time but healing is a process that ebbs and flows.

For the first time, since beginning this healing journey, I knew I needed and, more importantly, wanted to be set free from the hold the imposter had over me. And I knew the first place I had to start. It was the first time I realized my mind was a battlefield and the war was definitely on. It was the first time I knew I had to take charge of the content I allowed my mind to dwell on. It’s the first time Philippians 4:8-9 took on a whole new meaning in my life!

I knew the first thing that had to go was Facebook.

For me, Facebook had become more than just a place to keep up with family and friends. It had become a prison that held me captive. Whenever I’d log on, I told myself I was only going to check my feed. But after a few minutes, the enemy would begin attacking my mind with thoughts of his girlfriend’s feed. Once those thoughts were born in my mind and I allowed myself to dwell on them, it was over. Before I knew it, I was searching for her name and pouring over her page. And I didn’t just read it. I devoured it. I wasn’t looking for anything in particular. I was just looking. I guess I wanted to know what her life was like with him. I was desperate to know why he chose her over me and the only window into their world together, was Facebook.

To this day, I have no idea what I hoped to accomplish nor am I proud of allowing myself to go there. All it did was deepen my despair. Especially when I’d see things that used to be in my house displayed in hers. It was absolutely heart-wrenching. Then I’d sit and cry for hours afterwards.

Did my actions bring me peace? Did they evoke beautiful and respectful thoughts? Did they center my mind on the authentic and real?

NO! NO! NO, NO, NO!!

I was in complete bondage! I was in a deep pit of despair. It was a very dark place and I was torturing myself. I knew the anguish it caused wasn’t worth it. And yet, I didn’t know how to stop.

Grief causes you to do things you never thought you’d do.

{{sigh}}

So, after making the choice to take charge of what I allowed my mind to dwell on, Facebook had to go. Deactivating it did not work because it was the first thing I tried. I even asked my kids to change the password so I wouldn’t be able to log on. Well, it didn’t take long to figure out all I had to do was request a password change. And, once I did that, I was stuck. Again.

I knew the only way to be set free from that bondage was to delete my account and walk away from it forever. So I did. And, praise God, to this day, I haven’t gone back. It is a weakness I recognize inside me and a weapon used against me when held in the enemy’s hand. I must never allow him to gain such a stronghold in my life again.

(Side note: Please don’t misconstrue the choice to delete my Facebook account as a judgement against those who have one. I made that choice for my own personal well-being and healing. For me, it’s a very vulnerable place in my heart and the enemy used it as a way to keep me enslaved to my past and nothing more.)

Now, don’t think for one second that deleting my Facebook account deterred the enemy from attacking my mind. Not even close. He may have lost that battle but he is still the enemy of my soul and will continue to try and defeat me by any means necessary. He is sly, cunning, and catches me off guard from time to time and I get distracted and fall. I am not perfect by any stretch. All I know is that I love Jesus with all my heart and want to be a vessel He can use for His glory.

If anything I share through this website helps or encourages just one person, it’s worth every pain, every tear, and every heartache I have endured thus far. I know what betrayal feels like. I know what loss feels like. I know what abuse feels like. I know what it feels like to vow heart and soul to a narcissist who tried his level best to use me for his own desires and his own gain. I know what it feels like to be the recipient of pre-meditated plans that deliberately hurt me because I chose my relationship with Jesus over him and told him I would not engage in his lifestyle choices any longer. I have been through it all and I can tell you, from the bottom of my heart, there is complete joy, complete restoration, and complete freedom on the other side.

Oh, Hallelujah!!

Jesus can make something beautiful out of the ashes the enemy wants us to wear as a shroud. He wants to keep us stuck however he can. Whether it’s a mindset, an addiction, an action, or a habit. But Jesus wants to set us free from any and all the enemy’s ploys that keep us in bondage.

But it starts with a choice.

After I deleted Facebook, the next choice was fairly easy. I decided the very first time my thoughts started to take me down a path I knew would end in more tears and heartache, I would change the scenery around me. I would chose to do something different. Go into a different room, walk outside to get some fresh air, sing, or talk to Jesus out loud. It was a small choice but, after it actually worked a few times, I knew I was on the right path. It didn’t take long before it just became part of me. Whenever those trigger moments came, I immediately focused my mind on Jesus. It was during this same time that God’s word became more precious to me than ever before. Instead of allowing the enemy to torment me by evoking memories (either good or bad), I chose to saturate my mind in God’s truth. As I began to pour over His word, a hunger and thirst for more started rising within me. I couldn’t get enough!  I listened to God’s word being spoken over me as I went to sleep each night. And even when I’d awaken at some point, the first thing I heard was His precious word filling my room. It was so calming and peaceful, it didn’t take long for sleep to find me again.

As this became my new normal, I found God’s beautiful word had become written on my heart. To this very day, whenever I start to feel sad or I’m triggered with a memory of abuse or trauma, the Spirit gently reminds me of His promises.

One that came to mind just this morning is Proverbs 18:10 and it says…

Another of my favorites is Hebrews 13:5, which says this,

“I will never [under any circumstances] desert you [nor give you up nor leave you without support, nor will I in any degree leave you helpless], nor will I forsake or let you down or relax My hold on you [assuredly not]!”

~ Hebrews 13:5 AMP

That, my dear friend, is hope! No matter what may be happening in us or around us, He’ll never leave us alone or loosen His grip on our life! Now that is a promise that brings peace, one we can absolutely rely on, and one we don’t have to choose to receive! It’s a promise He made to His children and He will never go back on it.

Forever and completely held in the loving hands of God, our Father.

But not every promise in God’s word comes to us automatically. There are some promises that are conditional; meaning there’s some part of it that is up to us. Once again, there’s a choice. If we choose to do what He asks, then His promise will be fulfilled in our life.

For example, here is one such promise from the book of Isaiah.

“You will keep in perfect and constant peace the one whose mind is steadfast [that is, committed and focused on You—in both inclination and character],
Because he trusts and takes refuge in You [with hope and confident expectation].” ~ Isaiah 26:3 AMP

Do you see the condition in that promise?

He will keep in perfect and constant peace, the one whose mind is steadfast, committed, and focused on Him. Therein lies the choice. We can choose to dwell on the thoughts (either good or bad) the enemy inflicts on our minds to trigger anxiety OR when those times come (and they definitely will), we can put him under our feet, where he belongs, then switch our focus to the things we’ve already seen God do in our lives. When we choose to think on the authentic and real, the honorable and admirable, the beautiful and respectful, the pure and holy, the merciful and kind, He will keep us in perfect and constant peace.

This is something God is still teaching me how to do. One thought at a time.

Growing in faith and in our walk with Jesus is a day to day (sometimes minute by minute) process. We live in a fallen world, we are human, and we have an enemy who constantly bombards our thoughts with things that distract us. However, I believe it can and should be the intent of our heart. As Christ followers, the inclination and character of our heart should always be the choice to keep our minds centered on Godly things.

I can certainly testify that choosing to focus on praise and thankfulness changed the way I viewed the unexpected and hurtful events that have happened the past few years. Never, in my wildest imagination, did I think my former spouse would make the selfish choices he made and, after three decades together, we’d end up divorced.

It rocked my world, y’all.

It’s the first time I’ve ever known anyone to intentionally make choices knowing they would result in heartbreak. I’ve never known heartache such as that before and the enemy had me convinced I’d never recover. He enjoyed using that weapon against me. He bombarded my mind with that paralyzing thought more than a few times. But, you know what? The enemy is a liar and I did recover. I’m still in the healing process but God is taking what the enemy meant for evil to destroy me and is turning it for good. (Genesis 50:20)

Living as a single woman in my older age is another first for me. Going through the grievous process of divorce certainly isn’t an experience I would have chosen for my life. And you know, I don’t think it’s what God would’ve chosen for me either. But, as I’ve been saying all along, He created us with a free will and, along with that amazing privilege, we get to choose our own path in life. God longs for us to choose Him. That’s why He created us in the first place. He wants to have a personal relationship with us but He will not force us to do so. And, sadly, some reject the ways of God and the amazing life He offers and choose to go their own way. Life drastically changes when those directly connected to us make wrong choices that obliterate trust and cause us to doubt the person we thought we were meant to be or always had been.

God knew the eventual outcome of my marriage would be divorce. He knew every event that would take place and every decision that would be made to eventually lead me there. I trust Him with everything I am and I know He had His hand over me and my kids and protected us through anything and everything that could’ve happened to destroy us in the process. The enemy quite certainly destroyed my marriage but he did not destroy my family. My kids are closer now than ever before and I am blessed beyond measure to be their mom. Kimi, Heather, and JJ are the beat of my heart and the joy of my life. I did the very best I knew to do with what I had while I was raising them and always pointed them to Jesus. Through my girls, God has blessed me 5 times over with grandkids who lavish me with hugs, kisses, and laughter. My son just recently graduated Magna Cum Laude from the University of Alabama with a degree in Psychology and is currently pursuing a career in the medical field.

Healing is a process. It takes time. Just when it feels like I’ve taken a giant step forward, something will remind me of the past and I’ll take ten steps back. It took some time for me to realize that my healing has sort of been like peeling an onion. There have been many layers. Layers of charm and sweet talk meant to flatter and capture my heart among layers of subtle insults meant to invoke mind control. It has been both hurtful and healing sorting through abuse and intentional harm to wrapping my mind around the few good times we had yet realizing even the good times were part of the whole charade that was my life. What kind of person can intentionally use another through mind games and manipulation only to carelessly toss them aside when they are no longer useful? I truly believe the answer to this question has been the most difficult part of my story to come to terms with. And I truly believe I will never know the answer, unless God chooses to impart it to me in some way.

So, I had another choice to make. I had to choose that not knowing the answer to that question was okay but knowing God did, made it a little easier to leave with Him. Once I did that, revelation came!

Once I chose to take control over what I allowed my mind to dwell on and started pouring over God’s word, He started showing me things about myself that had been belittled and dismissed during my marriage. Attributes that had been diminished by hateful words, ridicule, and disdainful looks from the man I shared my life with.

I know there is nothing I have to do for God to love me. I know there is nothing I have to do for Him to accept me. But knowing and believing are two completely different things. But, for the first time, God has shown me all He wants from me is to be still and know. * To know that I was created for such a time as this.* To know that I am chosen.* To know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.* To know that He delights over me with singing.* To know He calls me beloved and I am His.*

And you know what? He feels exactly the same way about YOU!

Living in this world is hard and it’s filled with heartache and events that rock us to our very core. But Jesus came to give us life. Abundant life. Perhaps not abundant in a monetary way but abundant in that seeking Him first, above all else, lets us see the hurtful events that happen in our lives with a different perspective. As I reflected back on what my everyday life was like before the divorce, I realized, for the first time, how miserable I was but when I was living in it, I thought I was happy. That previous life doesn’t even compare to what I have now. Jesus has given me an entirely new perspective on what happiness is; on what freedom is. Yes, my kids and I went through the fire but we are on the other side now, stronger than ever.

I do not know what the enemy is trying to keep your mind dwelling on. I do not know what he uses to get you to take your eyes off God. I do not know the situation he’s lying to you about right now to keep you imprisoned in your own mind. But I do know this. Jesus wants to set you free from everything the enemy wants to keep you in bondage to. Whenever he tries to get you stuck into a particular thought pattern, start to sing a praise song or go for a walk and talk to Jesus. It might just be the first time God wants to show you something to encourage your heart or give you a promise from His word to carry you or impart a revelation that will change your entire perspective.

And you know what? The most revealing revelation moments with God have been ones I did not expect. Ones that seem to come from no where. Just the other day, I received an email that released healing in my soul over something I’d been carrying for over 25 years! And what’s even more amazing? God didn’t beat me up or inflict me with extreme guilt or make me feel unworthy of Him. He met me in the middle of my struggle, with a gentle brush of soft words from His heart to mine. I knew immediately that healing was within my grasp. All I had to do was surrender to His tender prompting and say, “Yes, Jesus. It’s Yours.” It was as simple as that. The enemy made me believe I would never be set free from the bitterness I held within my heart and had even convinced me I was justified to feel the way I did and yet, just one touch from Jesus and I am FREE!

And that’s exactly why Jesus came! To set the captives free!** Even the ones like me who subconsciously choose to stay in bondage. The bitterness inside me reared its ugly head from time to time and I knew it needed to go (as did others) but, to be honest, it felt good to be angry. However, it only served to keep me stuck right where the enemy wanted me. I know receiving that email was not a coincidence. God knew it was coming and He knew it would be used as the catalyst for the healing He’s been very patiently leading me towards. For the first time since this journey began, I realize that I cannot walk into the future God has planned for me, holding onto bitterness from my past.

There have been a great deal of firsts for me during this season in my life and I am thankful for each and every one of them.

Why?

Because they show me I’m still growing. They show me I’m still healing. They show me that God isn’t finished with me yet.

The revelations I’ve shared may have been the first ones to start me on this journey with Jesus but I know they won’t be the last.

I’m quite certain they are only the first of many.

The first of many more to come.

*Psalm 46:10; *Esther 4:14; *1 Peter 2:9&10; *Psalm 139:14; *Zephaniah 3:17; Song of Soloman 6:3

**Isaiah 61