Christmas.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year.
Peace on earth, good will toward men.*
Perhaps for some…but not for all.
More-often-than-not, I have found the Christmas season stirs emotion far from a wonderful time, absent of good will towards anything, and completely devoid of peace. While some may put on a happy face and try to pretend everything is fine, deep within their soul, they are grieving a loss, suffering from depression, 
healing from some type of pain, or dealing with an event that was completely unexpected. For others, Christmas triggers memories that once brought joy but now only remind of betrayal, rejection, and abandonment.
Sometimes, the reality of where many are this time of year, gets lost amid tinsel and trees…carols and cocoa…lights and laughter. Living in this fallen world is overwhelming at times. There are those who can only see the tangled mess their lives have become or what is missing and joy and hope elude them. Oh, how I understand this. Have lived this. In the process of this. I get this.
As a child, Christmas at my house was something I looked forward to. My daddy was a cabinetmaker by trade and didn’t make lots of money but he and my mom always made sure my siblings and I had one or two very special gifts under the beautifully lit tree. With each passing day on the December calendar, the
anticipation of what was under the tree brought excitement and joy. This was the one time in the year we received special gifts from our parents simply because they loved us and wanted to bring us joy.
There is one Christmas I remember more than any other. I can’t remember how old I was (maybe 7 or 8) when I received a precious little baby doll. I named her Joy because I was filled with joy from the moment I saw her. Joy came with all the special “baby” accessories that made the gift of her complete. I had everything I needed and spent hours pretending and dreaming of when I’d have babies of my own I knew would bring me even more joy.
We moved when I was in high school and somehow Joy was misplaced in all the shuffle. I had planned to save her for my own little girls to play with someday. I looked through every box and even the trash but I didn’t ever find her. I had lost my Joy.
As the years passed and I grew older, Christmas was still special but I started to notice that excitement and joy weren’t as prominent in my emotions. That is, until I met him. He was home on leave and we spent ten magical days together during the Christmas season. At that time in my life, he was my dream come true. The 31st day on that December calendar, ended with a marriage proposal, a diamond ring, and plenty of excitement and joy.
I felt as if my life had just begun and was only going to get better.
During my marriage, God blessed my life with three children and I was overcome with the immense joy I had dreamed of as a child. My heart was overwhelmed with fervent love at each birth because everything was falling into place, just as I dreamed it would. Christmas was always a big deal at our house. The gifts under the tree were excessive, to say the least, but to watch my children’s faces light up at the sight of what they’d received, brought a lot of joy.
One memory that will be forever etched into my mind happened every Christmas.
Before the days of pre-lit Christmas trees, if you desired lights, you had to purchase them separately. I’ve always marveled at new Christmas lights when taken from the box. They’re securely bound together yet flexible enough to serve the designed purpose, and completely unblemished. But once removed, they have to be pulled and stretched to ensure they’re manageable enough to be wrapped around the tree branches. Most of the time, these new lights would end up strung out all over the floor and completely
tangled up. Or, worse yet, one of the lights would loosen during the stretching process or would be missing all together. When that would happen, it meant carefully checking each bulb or the entire strand wouldn’t work. All the lights on the strand had to be connected for them to work as they were designed. However, after what seemed like hours of watching my former spouse fight with them, once each bulb was intact, glowing with light, and in place on the tree, they were beautiful. The living room took on a warm, soft glow that was very peaceful.
After Christmas was a different story. Between placement and removal, he’d forgotten how he’d twisted them around the branches and the tangled mess would ensue. Every year he fussed and fought with Christmas tree lights and the memory of that still makes me laugh. He had no patience whatsoever and, eventually, that years lights ended up where all the others had gone before them…either tossed into a box and stored away in the attic or were rejected all together and thrown out. It was just easier to toss them aside or throw them in the trash. He could always get new ones for next years tree.
While the memory of those Christmas lights brings laughter, it also brings searing pain. The irony of how my life with him compares to those Christmas lights, shoots an arrow of deep pain into my heart.
When our relationship began, I was secure in my life yet knew I could adjust to whatever God had purposed and designed for me, with my heart completely unblemished by the world. I was young, very impressionable, with a desire to make him happy so it didn’t take long before I was pulled in several different directions with my values and convictions being stretched beyond what was 
comfortable. I was all tangled up. Over time, everyday life became a struggle. It seemed there was always a battle going on deep in the middle of my heart for control. I desperately tried to ignore it. Some of the things I held closest to my heart were loosened and some, I lost all together. I became disconnected from others in my life and I couldn’t function as I was designed. Years passed and I became wrapped up in loneliness, denial, and complacency. I was all tangled up. Just like those Christmas lights.
The last few years of our relationship were complicated. He was so distant and removed from me. I kept telling myself all we needed to do was carefully untangle the disarray we found ourselves living in. Perhaps, all we needed was to patiently go over each tangled strand and fix the ones that were broken. But, with each passing day, the distance between us continued to grow and our love was being stretched thinner and thinner. He was aloof and the myriad of emotions I had become entangled in, gripped tighter and tighter around my heart and the battle raged on. The more I tried to replace what was missing, one or two more would loosen and fall away. Then, the light of love that once glowed
warmly, was completely snuffed out and fell away. Instead of patiently helping me untangle each strand to find the cause for the brokenness, he chose an easier way. He had no patience whatsoever and eventually, the tangled, broken strands that were gripped tightly around my heart, ended up where all the others had gone before…rejected, tossed aside, and thrown out.
I had lost the light that once illuminated in my heart.
I had lost my joy.
He tossed aside the old, reliable, stretched out, tangled mess of brokenness and
took for himself a younger, more desirable, updated version. You know, the kind that are designed to stay on even if one bulb is loose, broken, or missing all together. This type of strand is more conducive with the color of his life…it doesn’t make much difference if a few don’t give off proper light. If some light up, it’s far better than being bothered going over every one on the strand…takes too much effort. Just twist them into submission, making sure the ones that don’t work are pushed into the middle…where they’ll be obscured in darkness. Besides, when you spend your life just livin’ for the moment, they’ll serve their purpose…for a season. Eventually, they’ll lose their appeal and, just as the ones before, he’ll grow tired of having to maintain them. When they stop working as they were designed, it will be out with the old and in with the new.
That was two years ago.
As I sit here in the quiet, with the warm glow of Christmas lights around me, I have mixed emotions. While the memories of the past are filled with both grief and joy, my heart has never known peace as it does now.
When I was a broken, tangled up ball of dimming light, God reached down and rescued me. Even before I knew I needed to be rescued, He knew. He heard the quiet, yet desperate cry of my heart and met me right in the middle of where I had carefully tucked in all the pain. It grieved His heart as He watched the light of joy in my heart grow dimmer each day. It wasn’t what He designed me for. He didn’t condemn or punish me for all the mistakes I’d made trying to replace the light of love on my own. He didn’t toss me aside for an updated version. He wasn’t bothered by the lengthy process of untangling me. He lovingly, patiently, and meticulously began the process of making me new.
His process led me into a valley. He didn’t ask me ahead of time if I wanted to walk with Him there because He knew I wouldn’t go. Who would willingly choose to plunge themselves into the painful process of untangling all the things you so carefully hid from the world and yourself? It was easier to just push it into the middle, not deal with it, and live in denial. I did that for years but God wanted better for me. When I chose Him, I chose to allow Him to do whatever He needed to do to set me free. It started in the valley where I experienced the worst pain I’ve ever felt.
It’s where it had to start. For Him to unravel each broken, tangled strand wrapped tightly around my heart, He had to remove the ones that were completely burned out with no hope of ever bringing light to my life again. He had to cut away what was unnecessary to restore what was lost.
It’s a process. While we’ll never be perfect this side of eternity, the desire of our heart should be to have a heart like His. And that means allowing God to cut away everything that interferes with His purpose for our lives. Yes, it is painful and heart-wrenching yet it is exactly where He wants us. It’s where He took me after my divorce. It was in this untangling process where He taught me to praise. I
never understood how anyone could praise Jesus in the middle of their deepest pain but it is possible. It’s called the sacrifice of praise! You sacrifice your own feelings of wanting to crawl into a hole, lift your tear stained face to the One who loves you beyond what you can imagine, and praise Him for the pain anyway. It’s in that moment, He becomes your everything. Which is the point anyway.
Oh, my dear friend, while I do not know what memories this Christmas season 
may trigger in your heart or know the cause for your deepest pain or what you deal with from day to day, I do know that you are not alone! Oh, my goodness, if I could give you a tiny glimpse into my heart, you would see that I bear some of the same wounds that you do…some are merely stitched up while others are still open and raw. I have been where you are and we may even share a similar story. I want you to know the greatest desire of my heart is to share His heart. To share Jesus with you is the greatest privilege of my life!
He is showing me new dimensions of His love. He is teaching me to praise Him for things I still do not understand, for things that I have lost, and even for the pain I’ve experienced. This process has been an untangling…untangling layers of disappointment, rejection, betrayal, and abuse that I had pushed into the middle where no one could see it. I knew it was there but tried not to see it…tried to deny there was a battle raging because I didn’t know what to do about it. I’m so thankful God did.
God is not finished with me yet…and He’s not finished with you either. Healing is a process and each of our journey’s are different. Just like the Christmas lights, He may have to stretch me in one area and only have to twist you a little in another. He knows what we need and how to get us there…we just have to be willing to let Him untangle us as He sees fit. Even when it hurts…even when we don’t understand…even when we feel stretched beyond what we think we can bear.
And you know what I realized in this process? I never lost my Joy.
Joy doesn’t come from a baby doll, a proposal, a diamond ring, or even seeing my kids faces light up on Christmas morning. Joy comes from deep within. It’s a gift that only God can give and it’s something I never lost. It was there all the time.
This Joy I’m referring to came from God in the form of a tiny baby, many Christmas seasons ago. God sent His only Son, Jesus, to earth to be our sacrifice so we can have a relationship with Him so we can have joy that lives in our hearts even when we’re not happy. Joy that comes even through the tears.
A joy that comes from trusting Him completely. A joy that comes from allowing Him to stretch us and cut away all the brokenness that comes with living life in this fallen world.
He wants us to have Joy.
His Joy.
A Joy that only He can give.
Unmerited…Unwavering…Untangled Joy
*Luke 2:14