I mowed my yard today.
Now that Spring is here once again, my weekend chore of mowing the lawn is upon me and let me assure you, it is a chore. I have never enjoyed yard work. Never. I’ve always loved having a beautiful lawn but didn’t realize, until I had my own home, how much work actually goes into maintaining it.
The actual grass hasn’t started growing yet. It is still dormant from the winter months. So, what did I spend my time mowing down? Weeds! Weeds in abundance! If a beautiful lawn were judged on how many weeds could be accumulated per square inch of grass, I would’ve won yard of the month!
The construction of my home began the end of 2017 and was completed in March of 2018. I’m not sure about other parts of the country but builders in Alabama always use sod for the yards. When the sod was first put down, it was beautiful, and I don’t recall having too much trouble with weeds that first year. There was one small sticker bush on the far side of the lawn. It was pretty small so I just mowed over it and didn’t give it much thought after that. From a distance, the yard looked pretty good.
The next weekend, it was time to mow again and, once again, there was that sticker. So, once again, I mowed over it. This scenario went on for the entire summer. When the grass finally went dormant and stopped growing, I was thankful for the break.
When Spring of 2019 rolled around, it was back to my weekend chore of mowing the grass. And guess what had popped up through the ground before anything else? Yep! The same sticker bush I’d mowed over and over the Spring before. Only it wasn’t so small anymore. It was twice as big. So, this time instead of just mowing over it and calling it good, I used my weed eater and cut it down before I mowed. I cut it down pretty deep so I wouldn’t have to deal with it every weekend. For the rest of the summer, that sticker never popped back up through the ground. I guess cutting it deep down with the weed eater did the trick.
Well, Spring has sprung once again and I knew all last week, if the rain held off over the weekend, I needed to mow. The weeds were getting pretty tall and looked horrible. I woke up to a beautiful blue sky so, after worshipping online with my church family, I went out to make my yard more presentable to the neighborhood. I edged with the weed eater first. I have a small tree in my front yard and knew I’d need to weed eat around the base of it because the lawn mower can’t get close enough. As I was making my way around the base of the tree, I looked over to my left and there was that sticker bush! Not only was it back, it was back with a vengeance! And it had tripled in size!
My first thought was to just cut it down again with the weed eater but then I realized my mistake the previous season. I had left the root! I had cut the sticker bush back but I left the root intact! That would not happen this time. I cut away most of the bush with the weed eater to expose the root. I then went to the garage and got my shovel. I dug down deep around that root and cut it out! There is now a hole on the side of my yard but the sticker bush is gone!
Later, as I was mowing down the rest of the weeds, the Holy Spirit started speaking to my heart.
Just like my yard, my life gets infested with weeds and sticker bushes. The enemy wants nothing more than to see my life disrupted with things that keep me distracted and discouraged. And, just like my yard, when left unattended, those things grow. If I don’t take those disruptions seriously or just hope they’ll go away, they’re sure to come back and, almost always, with a vengeance.
That’s what happened in my marriage. When I first started sensing something was wrong, I didn’t want to face it because how would I handle it if it were true? I was afraid to know the truth. The Holy Spirit kept showing me little things that were wrong but I was having a difficult time wrapping my mind around them. When I would approach my former spouse and ask about these things God was revealing, he’d tell me they weren’t true and that I was imagining them. And because my heart wanted to believe him, it did.
That went on for about four years.
Believing him and accepting that I was just imagining things, made everything seem better, for a little while. But something was most definitely wrong. We didn’t talk much but his resentment towards me seemed to be growing. I didn’t know what I had done to deserve the resentment he projected towards me but it was there.
When his affair and second family were finally revealed, it was the most grievous event I’d ever faced. But, even through the pain of it all, I truly thought we’d be able to work it all out then God would miraculously heal our marriage and we’d be better than ever. I was wrong. Just as the sticker bush in my yard had tripled in size, the problems in my marriage had done the same. The only way to fix it for good, and for healing to take place, was to get to the root and cut it out.
And that’s exactly what God did.
My marriage was like a sticker bush around my heart. It had taken over completely and was well on its way to devouring me. It had taken over with a vengeance. I had heard the warnings the Spirit had spoken over me time and again but I didn’t know what to do. I had made a covenant and was determined to remain faithful to the vow I had made but God had a completely different plan.
So, on a Sunday morning, God presented me with a choice. I did not hear an audible voice but the question came to me as if I had.
“Even if he walks away from you forever, do you choose Me?”
The answer came without hesitation.
“Yes, God. I choose You.”
I remember that moment as if it were yesterday. It was in that moment, God started cutting out the root that would completely save my life and set me free. Even though, at the time, I didn’t know my life needed saving and I didn’t even realize I needed to be set free but God did!
A few days ago, I was going through some books in my room and came across a devotion book I started a few weeks after I’d moved into my new house. The title itself captured my attention: Write the Word: Cultivate Renewal ~ Start Fresh. The premise of the book is this. Each day, you’re to write what you’re grateful for, followed by a passage of scripture that is provided to also write out. After the scripture is written, the next page is for you to write out whatever is on your heart at that moment.
Since the title of the book had already intrigued me, I opened it and started turning the pages, one by one. I was astounded by the words I found written on them. I was so broken; so completely shattered yet written throughout the words of pain and sorrow, were words of praise and thankfulness. I knew I was exactly where God wanted me. Even though He did not cause the grief I was experiencing, He was making good out of a horrible situation by taking care of me. He blessed me with a new home and a new job that would provide for my need. I couldn’t help but praise and thank Him. I knew Jesus felt my pain and I could feel it when He held me. What an awesome reminder of how deeply He loves as well as how deeply He grieves when one of His children is hurting.
As I continued to flip through the pages, one in particular caught my eye.
“This means that our knowledge of men can no longer be based on their outward lives. If a man is in Christ, he becomes a new person altogether. The past is finished and gone, everything has become fresh and new.”
~ 2 Corinthians 5:16 & 17 (Phillips NT)
Reading these words, reminded me that at this point in my journey, I was still struggling with wrapping my mind around the man I saw and lived with and the man he truly was in his heart. I didn’t understand how one man could be two completely different people, depending on who he was with. But in my heart, I wanted to. After I’d written out this scripture, I turned the page and penned these words…
If anyone knows Jesus and is truly, truly a believer, I WILL KNOW! It doesn’t matter what’s on the outside – it’s how they act – it’s how they talk – the true nature of someone’s heart will be revealed and it MUST be faced! I MUST FACE THE TRUTH & LIVE IN DENIAL NO LONGER!
What I wrote next, are the words I felt the Spirit speaking to my heart.
“BJ has shown you who he truly is. He does not want Me nor does he want you. BJ wants what his flesh desires – the pride of life – the pursuit of riches – to satisfy his immoral appetites no matter what it takes. You were no longer enough for him. His affairs and bitterness were just going to grow. You must walk on. You must trust Me to know what’s best for you. I will not let you fall. I am holding you so closely. You are My treasure and you will be okay. Each moment, give Me your pain and I will wash it away.”
These words were written almost two years ago and today, they were brought full circle. “His affairs and bitterness were just going to grow”. Just like the sticker bush in my yard. God removed me from that relationship to save me from further pain. He knew our relationship was only going to get worse. He went right to the root of what held me captive and cut it out of my life.
God loves us so completely. You might even say He loves us with a vengeance. We are His children and, like any loving daddy, He hurts when we hurt. He doesn’t like to see us being mistreated or harmed in any way. He had seen me endure years of abuse at the hand of my former spouse and He’d had enough. It was time to cut out the root that held me so tightly.
While my heart knows my divorce had to happen and I believe with all my heart God rescued me, I’m still very much in the healing process. Looking back at it now, getting divorced was the easy part.
My former spouse met me at the attorney’s office and we weren’t even taken into a private room. We stood at the front counter as a notary placed form after form in front of us and showed us where to sign.
Hello! We’re not purchasing a refrigerator here! A 35 year relationship has been shattered!
The only things left from the life I knew, were itemized on a few sheets of legal paper.
I was completely numb.
Really? This is all it takes to end a lifetime together?
It seemed so easy for him. He’d already divorced me in his heart years before this day was scheduled. He’d already broken his covenant, several times over. But, for me, it wasn’t so easy. It was agonizing, actually. How can a piece of paper, signed by an unknown judge, dissolve something that had been bound with God in heaven? Even though I knew it was the right thing to do, it shattered me. And it shattered my Father, too. He grieved with me on that day. He knew revealing my former spouse’s life choices would crush me to the very core of my soul but He also knew something I did not. He knew what was waiting for me beyond the pain. Beyond the grief. He knew the end of my marriage would be an open wound for quite some time. He knew it would be a process that would ebb and flow. Three steps forward, ten steps back. Those who love deeply, grieve deeply. And grieve I did. Sometimes, I still do.
Have you ever been in the middle of doing something, absolutely knew you were there, and present in that moment yet felt as though you were just observing what was taking place? Like you weren’t actually an active participant? That’s how I felt that day in my attorney’s office. I couldn’t believe how indifferent he seemed. Like it was something he did every day. Yet, he kept saying what a sad day it was. My mind was reeling.
Are you for real, right now? We’ve been married for THIRTY-FIVE YEARS and you’re acting like this is nothing to be overly upset about. You’re standing there, signing those papers like I’ve seen you sign credit card applications and car loans. You didn’t even read what you’re signing your name to. You don’t even care what this is doing to me or to our kids. What is wrong with you? WHO ARE YOU? This cannot be happening.
I just stood there next to him and we signed all the paperwork they put out in front of us. When the signing was done, I just stood there holding the pen in my hand. I couldn’t move. I could barely breathe. He said, “Is that it?” The notary affirmed that was indeed “it”. The next thing I remember was walking out the door with him. He hugged me, kissed the top of my head, and told me he loved me.
Really? Then why did we just stand in there and end our life together?
I watched him as he walked down the sidewalk to his truck. He opened the door, got in, lit a celebratory cigarette, and immediately called someone on his cell phone. As he drove away, I felt something in me die.
I guess that’s what happens when you get to the root and cut it out. It dies and leaves a gaping hole, right in the middle of what’s left of an already shattered heart. Just like the one in my yard.
I stood there for a minute, not knowing what to do. In some strange way, I guess I was waiting for him to come back and tell me we’d made a mistake.
He did not.
I remember walking to my car and getting in. That’s it. The rest of that day is a complete blur. Perhaps that is by design. Perhaps God doesn’t want me to remember every detail of it. That’s the kind of loving Father He is. It would be just like Him to completely cover that day with His mercy and grace so I don’t have to relive it. Much like when a doctor does surgery. You’re covered in sleep so you don’t feel the pain of what is actually happening. When it’s over, you wake up with a wound that has been carefully covered and, in time, it will heal. You’ll experience pain but each day, it will get a little bit better.
No wonder He’s called The Great Physician.
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” ~ Psalms 147:3 NASB
Grace. I’m covered by and wrapped up in God’s amazing, miraculous, wondrous grace.
The pain did subside. Each day, it was a little easier to get out of bed, go to work, and start to embrace life again. But deep inside my heart, something remained. I knew the wound in my heart was healing because it didn’t hurt quite as much as it did in the early days. Yet, something was there. I knew when it was time, God would reveal it so I left it in His hands.
About a month ago, I started feeling it was time to rid my life of some things I had been hanging onto. When I moved into my house, I piled the boxes from my old life in the garage because it was too soon to deal with them. There was one box in particular that needed my attention. The one marked in big, bold letters: “Memories – DO NOT OPEN!”
It was underneath some others so I went through the ones on top first. When I finally pulled it from the shelf, I was surprised at how small the box was. After 35 years, you’d think I would’ve had to use a large box to contain all my good memories. The size of the box spoke volumes about our relationship. Its contents were what I assumed they’d be; the wedding album and assorted pictures of us in frames that I had displayed in our home. I removed each picture from its frame. I had my shredder set up because I knew once the pictures went through there, there’d be no turning back. I wanted no trace of them left behind.
Surprisingly, it wasn’t hard to shred them. I did look at each one though. As I stood there, looking at my 19 year old self, tears stung my eyes. I could see the hope gleaming in her eyes; the joy that shined on her face; and remembered the innocent choices that led her to this moment. She had absolutely no idea what the future held. I apologized to her for not making a better choice of a man to vow her life to then I forgave her for making the choice she had because, after all, she’d been deceived.
When I came to the last picture in the box, not only did it bring tears, it brought heaving sobs. I took it from the frame and turned it over to read what was written on the back.
“Always remember I care and love you. I will return real soon for you. BJ”
It was his Army basic training picture. The one he left for me after we spent those ten days together at Christmas. I had carefully guarded that picture for 35 years. It was always hand carried from every PCS move because I didn’t want it to get lost. It sat on my nightstand in every home we lived in over the years (and there were many). It was just special to me and I cherished it.
I turned it back over and looked into his eyes. The ones that had melted me from the very start. Then I placed it over my heart and let the sobs take over. I had to grieve over it. That picture held a special place in my heart. It had definitely taken root there. I don’t know how long I held it over my heart and it took me awhile to put it through the shredder. But I did. I let it go.
Another wound to be covered in grace.
With the box empty and it’s contents shredded, I thought I’d feel whatever had remained would be released. It was not. There was something else. Something I’d overlooked.
Since it was such a nice day and I seemed to be on a roll with the purging, I continued. I went through box after box and actually found items I had wondered about the past two years. The last box was marked: “Cassettes and CD’s”. Going through those was like taking a step back in time. A lot of them were ruined from being stored and ended up in the garbage.
When I got to the bottom of the pile, there it was. The root of what remained. The cassette tape recording of my wedding.
My vows.
My covenant.
As I held it in my hand, I didn’t quite know what to do with it. What could I do that would break a covenant that was rooted in my heart? Do just that. Break it!
I started by pulling the tape out from the bottom but that didn’t seem to be quite enough for me. So I went over to my tool shelf and chose my former spouse’s mini sledge hammer. I placed the cassette tape on the floor of my garage and took a big hefty swing at it. I didn’t know that plastic could fly that far! One hefty swing was
not enough. I kept hitting it and hitting it, all the while speaking words of healing and restoration over my heart and my life. I could feel it. I could feel what remained in my heart being released. The root was being cut out and God was bringing restoration right then and there. The covenant I had made 37 years before had been broken!
And I was FREE!
I am free! Free to be the woman God always planned for me to be. I really thought I could be that woman while married to my former spouse but the longer I’m on my own, the more I see how I always pushed that part of myself down. I cannot tell you how many times I longed to share with him the things God had shown me or a scripture that had touched my heart or even a worship song that had lifted me up. All of those attempts were in vain. He didn’t share my love for the word or for worship. So, I started keeping those things to myself and the end result was pushing down everything that makes me who I am! I had lost the essence of who I truly was. But God is helping me find her again. Little by little, I’m finding Jenny. The courageous Jenny. The prayer warrior Jenny. The called Jenny. The called Jenny who just wants to share Jesus and His love and His mercy and His grace with any and all who will listen.
It’s my heart.
I want to be an encouragement to those of you going through things you do not understand or cannot wrap your mind around. I want to give hope to those of you grieving a loss you didn’t see coming or are dealing with a life changing event you don’t think you’re going to make it through. I completely get it. I have been exactly where you are. When my ex walked out the door and left me a sobbing heap on my kitchen floor, I thought my life was over. I wanted to die. I really did. I couldn’t see past the grief that had completely enveloped me. It was like a death shroud that clung to me with a grip that seemed impossible to escape. But when Jesus met me, right there in the middle of the kitchen floor, I knew I’d make it. I didn’t know how because I’d never been that broken. I’d never felt that alone in my entire life. But Jesus never left me.
He was there with me on the kitchen floor. He was there with me in the attorney’s office when I signed my name to legal paper that would end my marriage. He was there with me when I watched my ex drive away and never look back. He was there with me when I packed my life into boxes and put them in storage. He was there with me when my ex cut off my alimony. He was there with me when I didn’t have enough money to pay the bills. You name it. He. Was. There!
It’s His promise.
“I will never [under any circumstances] desert you [nor give you up nor leave you without support, nor will I in any degree leave you helpless], nor will I forsake or let you down or relax My hold on you [assuredly not]!”
~ Hebrews 13:5 AMP
He’s got me in His grip!
He’s got you in His grip!
Oh, my precious friend, I do not know what you’re facing this day. I do not know what has touched your life that makes you want to crawl under your covers and never come out. I do not know what root has been cut out of your life that has left a giant, gaping hole that is seething in pain at this moment. However, I do know Someone who wants to wrap you up in His ever loving arms and never let you go. He is our ever present help in trouble.
“God is our refuge and strength [mighty and impenetrable],
A very present and well-proved help in trouble.”
~ Psalm 46:1 AMP
I want to pray for you, right now.
Father, in the Name of Jesus.
I lift up my friend who has read these words You placed on my heart to share. I ask that you meet them right in the middle of whatever they’re facing at this moment.
For the one who is grieving an unexpected loss, I ask You to be their Comfort and their Strength.
For the one who has just lost a job, I ask that You be their Provision.
For the one who is sick, I ask You to be their Great Physician.
For the one who is depressed and lonely, I ask You to be their Joy and Companion.
For the one who doesn’t know where to turn or what to do, I ask You to be their Refuge and their Guide.
And Jesus, for the one who is seeking for something greater than themself and doesn’t yet know You as Savior, I ask You to show them Who You are. I ask that Your Holy Spirit draw them until they find You because You are THE answer to every life question they could possibly have.
Thank You for Who You are. Thank You that You love us with an everlasting and unconditional love. Thank You that You fight for us when we’re too weak to fight for ourselves. Thank You for giving Your life so we can have a personal relationship with You.
I ask these things in Your mighty and precious, precious Name.
Amen.
Jesus is there and He not only wants to be in your life, He wants to be your life! He longs for a personal relationship with you. He wants to be Your constant Companion and Friend.
I can honestly tell you the past two plus years of this healing journey has not been easy. Please don’t think that because I gave my life to Jesus that I don’t have problems or struggles. I certainly do. I struggle with things every single day. I still struggle with the feelings I have towards my former spouse. One day last week, he wanted some tax info from me and when my kids told me about it, fear gripped my heart and I started crying. It just happened without any thought. I still have a lot of healing to do and I’m not immune to struggles or hardship. Knowing Jesus just means I have Someone to take my struggles to. I have Someone who sees everything that I cannot. I have Someone who intercedes for me when I cannot find the words to pray. I have Someone who will never leave me, abandon me, or give up on me.
And He can be that for you, too.
Getting to the root of things in our lives can be painful. But I can tell you without any hesitation, I’m thankful for everything I’ve been through. The struggle and the pain have shown me who God is in my life and He’s given me a place to share my journey with you. He’s given me back everything I thought I’d lost and then some.
He’s a good, good Father and He loves us so very much.
Right down to the root!
