Surrendered Silence

Have you ever looked up the definition to the word noise?

I know. It’s an odd question.

I imagine you’re probably wondering why I would ask such a random question and why in the world would you ever need to look up the meaning of a word that is somewhat self-explanatory. Everyone knows what noise is, right?

However, I was curious to see how the dictionary defines it. I was also curious to learn what other words could possibly be used to describe a word that, pretty much, describes itself.

So, I looked it up and, after once reading it, I knew I had found the one definition that had described the word perfectly.

“Noise: incomprehensibility resulting from irrelevant information or meaningless facts or remarks”.

Now, why the quest to know the dictionary meaning of this word?

It wasn’t just to know a random bit of information nor was it because I was simply intrigued by it.

I wanted to learn its definition because the enemy has been using it as a weapon in his arsenal against me. It’s what the enemy has had me focused on to consume my mind. And he was succeeding. He was filling my thoughts with irrelevant information and meaningless facts until I could no longer comprehend anything! And, worst of all, it had started to drown out the still, small voice of my Savior. Which is exactly what he wanted.

Noise. Noise. Noise!

When I joined the social media platform, Telegram, it was so I could keep up with the goings-on in the world but maintain distance from the main stream media, as I do not trust them nor do I believe one word of the news they report. I had joined several Telegram channels to follow, most of which reported news from a Godly perspective. There were others I followed just because they were sources I knew to be trust-worthy. Although these channels put out truthful information, after several days in a row of reading them over and over, all of it had become too much. I knew I had to delete several channels so as not to continue to overwhelm my mind. So, one morning, I did just that.

My mind had become like that of a pin-ball machine. I was allowing it to be filled with so much information and so many different voices, I was pinging from one opinion to the next until it felt as if I were spinning. I’m sure the enemy was laughing at me because he most definitely had me caught up in a whirlwind of information that had just become noise. In and of itself, information is not a bad thing. We need to be informed of what is happening in our world but not so much that it becomes all consuming as it can easily become a weapon in the enemy’s hand.

Later that same day, I was listening to His Glory Ministries on YouTube. They were discussing the importance of taking time each day to read God’s word and pray. And while I know having quiet time is basically “Christianity 101” for every day life as a Christ-follower, why is it spending dedicated time with Jesus is what takes the backseat? When I wake up, why is it once my feet touch the floor, life takes over and things start to take precedence over basking in my Savior’s presence? Realizing my choice was the only obstacle standing between me and my soul’s longing for time with my Savior, I chose to remove the obstacle. I chose Him.

That night, I went to sleep with a divine appointment on my calendar. I had purposed in my heart that when I woke up, instead of my usual “Thank You for a new day” prayer, I was going to spend some one-on-one time with Jesus.

What happened the next morning, was not on my calendar. I woke up before my alarm went off! That never happens! I think Jesus was just as excited as I was to start the day together!  I always pray throughout the day but I knew this time was going to be special. My heart felt eager and hungry. I wanted to hear from Him.

My overwhelmed, restless heart and mind needed a word from the Word Himself!

If you’ve followed this ministry for any length of time, you know I grew up in church. And, having done so, I recall hearing over and over, “Every good Christian starts their day with quiet time.” So, I did my best to be a good follower. I did my best to follow the plan. If that’s what I was supposed to do, I wanted to be sure to do it. But it always felt as if I’d been guilted into doing it. Like it was just something I had to do to prove myself. But who was I proving myself to? It’s probably why the myriad of quiet times I started over the years, ended just as quickly.

But this time was different. I didn’t feel guilted into it and I wasn’t out to prove anything to anyone. There was no agenda on my part.

Nope. This time was completely different.

I have an old, broken down, comfy chair, with no legs, in the corner of my room that I’ve had for years. It’s the kind of chair you sink into when you sit down. It’s the kind of chair you want to curl up in on a cold, rainy day, with a cup of hot coffee while watching the rain drip slowly from the eaves of the house. It’s the kind of chair that somehow knows your secrets but would never betray you by telling them to anyone. It’s the kind of chair that captured many tears at the end of a very long day. It’s the kind of chair you crawl into while processing the excruciating pain of rejection, heartbreak, and a painful divorce you didn’t want. It’s the kind of chair you go to because you associate it with comfort and healing. It’s the kind of chair you go to because you know it’s a hideaway of sorts and you’ve encountered special time with Jesus there. It’s the kind of chair that seemed the perfect setting to read God’s word and hear His still small voice whisper to my heart.

So, I sat down in my comfy, broken down chair and even before I could think one thought or utter one word, I felt this laid on my heart.

“This is what is needed. This is what is necessary.”

It was then I realized something about quiet time that I hadn’t really thought of before. This is all He wanted me to do. It’s not about checking off a box or about being guilted into it. It’s about putting Him first. It’s about making my relationship with Jesus a priority. It’s needed and necessary to keep Him the center of my life. It’s needed and necessary for Him to whisper His thoughts to my heart so the noise of the enemy is dispelled. It’s needed and necessary so He can tell me the plans He has for my life.

It’s about the intent and posture of my heart. It’s about a heart surrendered and ready to hear from Him. It’s about the quietness in the moment. When it’s quiet, I can hear Him so clearly. And when I hear Him, not only does He remind me of precious promises from His word that are essential to my walk with Him, He imparts knowledge that is needed and necessary for me to war against the enemy of my soul.

Spending quiet time with Jesus is an amazing privilege and an honor. But it’s something each person must choose to do on their own. It’s a personal choice to know Jesus deeper. To hear Him clearer. To listen for His still small voice above all the others in competition for our ear.

In our current world, where evil is more rampant than ever before, it’s imperative that we, as His children, seek Him with all our hearts and listen intently to His still small voice within us. It’s so important to pour over His word for direction, encouragement, confirmation, and, most of all, to remind us of Whose we are and of His unrelenting faithfulness and His precious promises. However, once the choice is made to spend quiet time with Jesus, be assured the enemy will use whatever he can to distract us from it. He certainly doesn’t want us quiet before the Lord to hear the things needed and necessary to help us fight against his attacks and his subtle schemes. He doesn’t want the Holy Spirit making us privy to his ways, especially when he knows what God’s revelation knowledge will unlock answers to. Perhaps even answers to questions we’ve wrestled with for years and have always wondered about but could never quite put our finger on.

Distraction is a tactic the enemy used very cleverly against me for a long time. Oh, he doesn’t mind if we wonder about things or even ponder over what might be. But when we get down on our knees, he gets nervous. If he can keep us off our knees by distracting us with abuse, manipulation, and gaslighting, he can keep us in the dark as to how he wreaks havoc in our lives. He had been using noise against me for years and I was completely oblivious to it. But, it was during my newly chosen set-aside time with Jesus, I was made aware as to how he’d been doing it.

It has now been a little over three years since my divorce. I’ve had a lot of time to reflect, not only on what happened leading up to the divorce, but on three plus decades of a life that now seems to have happened a million years ago. Three plus decades of a life constantly filled with noise.

The enemy used noise as a very powerful weapon against me. And what’s worse, it was so subtle and had become such an integral part of my existence, I didn’t even realize it was a weapon, until now. Reflection and revelation truly do go hand in hand.

As I have been spending more quiet time with Jesus, He is revealing situations and events from my past I thought, at the time, were completely normal but clearly weren’t. This is exactly why the enemy did not want me establishing a quiet time. He knew Jesus would set me free from this chain he had so subtly placed around my entire existence. It had become part of me. The enemy wanted me to be unaware of how it had played a role in my past because he wanted it to progress into my future.

I honestly cannot recall a time during my marriage when my former spouse and I were at peace. Surely in 35 years there had to be some peaceful moments? If there were, they didn’t last long enough to be memorable. There was always some sort of drama that accompanied every activity. It didn’t matter what it was. Even a simple trip to the grocery store became a conflict.

As I’ve been sitting here reflecting on that previous life, I recall one thing in particular that should have been so obvious but, again, it was subtle and so much a part of my existence, I didn’t see it as a threat. It was a constant in my life. I didn’t ever think of it as being an attack against me and yet, it was a huge one. I’m referring to what some may call the “elephant” in the room and something most people have hanging on their wall or sitting on their mantle.

The television.

The “tell-a-vision” might not seem like a big deal to most but for me, it definitely was. I do not ever remember a time when my former spouse didn’t have the television on. From the time he got home from work, it was on. When it was time to go to bed, he’d turn it off in the living room and would immediately turn it on in the bedroom. We went to sleep listening to it and it was the “alarm clock” to wake us in the morning. It wasn’t turned off again until he walked out the door to go to work. When he’d come home in the evening, on it would go and the noise would start all over again.

Day after day. Week after week. Month after month. Year after year. For three plus decades.

Constant. Noise.

I’ve often wondered if the tv was always on so he didn’t have to engage in conversation with me or was it that the constant noise drowned out the still small Voice of conviction he didn’t want to hear? Or was it, perhaps, so he could get lost in a program and live vicariously through the actors on the screen?

After all this time, I realize how ironic it is that the primetime series, Scandal, was one of his favorites. How ironic that the show centered around the main male character having an affair with an intern on his campaign. How ironic that the character was leading a double life, behind the back of his dedicated and loving wife, who was none the wiser, until suddenly the truth was revealed. It brings overwhelming sadness to my heart, to know now, that I sat in that living room, next to the man who had vowed to love me until death parted us, night after night, watching my very life being played out on the screen in front of me and yet, I was completely oblivious! He was living the very same life being portrayed on the tv, behind my back, for over 3 years! No wonder the show was his favorite! His double life was hidden in plain sight and I was none the wiser. The enemy kept me distracted with the angst and the burden of trying to keep him happy so I couldn’t see the real issues eating away at our relationship. 

Noise.

The tv became his idol. The recliner became his throne, and the remote control, his scepter.

My children don’t have fond memories of when they were young because they were never allowed to just have fun and be kids. The fun was always controlled and when dad got tired, that was the end of whatever activity were we doing. It’s a sad commentary for a family who, by all outward appearances, looked to be the perfect example of love and togetherness yet, it was completely the opposite. I was constantly running interference between the kids and their dad. I was constantly trying to keep everything peaceful and everyone happy but all the while, my heart was being chipped away, little by little.

My obsession to keep everything peaceful and everyone happy had robbed me of life. My former spouse seemed angry most of the time. I was never sure how he’d react to the kids, even if they were just being loud and having fun. The “mama bear” instinct inside kept telling me to protect them at all costs. Even from their dad, if need be. So, that’s what I did.

And it left me completely exhausted.

My kids and I often talk about how we measure time now as pre-divorce and post-divorce. Seems an odd way to recall events in our lives but it’s just how it is. Perhaps everyone who has had a significant, life altering event happen to them is privy to this way of marking time.

Over the past few weeks, the Spirit has taken me deeper into my past to show me something else about noise I never noticed before.

When you think of noise, most think of it as being something you actually hear, right? But what happens when the of noise in your life isn’t coming from a television or from constant drama? What happens when noise isn’t audible? What happens when it’s something that chips away at your heart and soul a little at a time? What happens when noise becomes a look, rolling eyes, a hidden agenda, the intent of an evil heart, or a cruel action? What happens when choices made by someone else becomes the noise you cannot wrap your mind around? What happens when the noise truly does become incomprehensible and life becomes meaningless? Noise that is inaudible destroys from within. How do you live with that? How do you heal from that? How do you rise above that? How does the vessel of your heart function when the very essence of it has been chipped away little by little so often and now, is full of holes?

These are the questions I’ve asked myself a million times over and have probably asked Jesus a million times plus one. Trying to understand the reason why some people enjoy abusing others is something my mind just cannot comprehend. Perhaps I’m not meant to. Perhaps that is something from the past I must trust Jesus with and know that He will enable me to walk the path before me. Even with unanswered questions and unresolved pain.

In October of 1964, the duo Simon and Garfunkel released a song called “The Sound of Silence”. Even though I was not part of the generation to grow up with this song, I have heard it over the course of my life several times. To be honest, I never particularly cared for the songs of Simon and Garfunkel so I was surprised when one came to mind. However, even though I found it a bit odd, I decided to pursue it.

As I tried to recall the words from memory, I realized that even though I knew the tune fairly well, I had never really paid attention to the words nor did I know the meaning behind them.

So, I looked them up.

I was saddened as I refreshed my memory with the lyrics. The words described the life I had lived yet was unaware of. Once my eyes reached the end of the song, I realized how much they paralleled my previous life.

“People talking without speaking.

People hearing without listening.

People writing songs that voices never share, no one dared,

Disturb the sound of silence.

“Fools,” said I, “You do not know

Silence like a cancer grows

Hear my words that I might teach you

Take my arms that I might reach you.”

But my words like silent raindrops fell

And echoed in the wells of silence.”

And what did I learn?

Silence can be inaudible noise.

I was living with someone who did not love me, did not talk to me, did not hear me, and I dared not disturb the silence of that existence. It didn’t matter what I did to win him over. It didn’t matter what I tried to make him happy. I couldn’t reach him.

My words “like silent raindrops fell” and “echoed in the wells of silence” within my heart.

So God removed me.

It was excruciating.

But it was needed and necessary.

Did I understand it? Not really.

Did I trust Him? With all my heart.

Sometimes, when God reveals truth, it’s not easy to accept. Sometimes truth really hurts. But I would rather live by God’s truth, even if it causes pain, then ever live in a world of lies again.

I know He removed me from a life that was destroying me from within, due to His amazing love for me. And hard though it may be, He wants me to leave the unanswered questions and unresolved pain with Him to carry. This is where my faith in His plan meets His Sovereignty over my life. I am His. No, He doesn’t want to see His children hurt but knows that sometimes pain is necessary to bring about His plan. To bring good from what the enemy meant for evil. He allows things to touch us that might not be what we would’ve chosen for ourselves but He knows it’s what’s needed and necessary to mold us into who we are to become.

That is what He is doing with me now.

He is revealing truth that has been buried deep within my heart, to show me why He allowed to happen, what He allowed to happen, when He allowed it to happen! He set me free from the bondage I had been chained up in that I wasn’t even aware of.  He sees what I cannot. He knows what I do not. And He wants me to trust Him with all the things I can change not.

That’s called surrender.

I have learned much about surrender.

Surrender is being okay if, when all is said and done, it’s just you and Jesus. It’s being content in whatever circumstance you are in. It’s trusting Him with everything you have and everything you are. Even if it means losing some things.

Yes, my marriage ended in loss. The man I thought I knew, took off his mask, revealed his true character, and chose to walk away. He not only walked away from me and three decades of life, but he chose to walk away from our three children, our two sons-in-law, and our five grandchildren. This wasn’t something he chose to do because of a mid-life crisis or a choice he made on a whim. This was something he planned and carefully thought out for a very long time.

Sometimes, I still can’t wrap my mind around it.

It is absolutely the worst experience I’ve ever been through but God is in the process of making me new. No, it hasn’t been easy. There have been many tears along the way. But I made a promise to Him back when this journey started. I made a promise to Him that no matter what was happening or how I was feeling, I would praise Him. Yes, there have been times when I wanted to stay in a dark place. There have been times when I wanted to stay sad. But it sure is hard to stay in a dark place or be sad and praise Him at the same time.

The Bible says in Psalm 22:3 that God inhabits the praises of His people. How can I stay in a dark place when the Lover of my soul is residing in my praise? I have found it to be an impossible task.

As I am praising Him, He meets me in the middle of it. I may have tears streaming down my cheeks and have stabbing pain in my heart, but there’s a smile on my face because He is right there with me.

Oh, I have learned much about praising when I don’t feel like it.

And another? I have learned much about noise.

Have you ever been in a room so filled with noise, you couldn’t think?  What happens when the noise suddenly stops? As if someone flipped the power button to off? Can you hear the sound of silence?

This is where God has lifted me.

He has taken me from three plus decades of noise, words falling on deaf ears, and my heart being chipped away little by little, to suddenly flipping the power button to off. It happened just that fast and the sound of silence echoing around me was loud. I could actually feel and hear the silence. To be honest, it made me a little uncomfortable. It was something I wasn’t used to experiencing.

This is what I meant when I said God is making me new. He took me from constant noise to the sound of surrendered silence. That is drastic change but it’s change I have grown to embrace.

When God turned off the noise in my life and lifted me above it, I began to see the beauty of looking at things from His perspective. I no longer have to hear the inaudible noise of rejection, betrayal, confusion, abandonment, and angst. He has lifted me above all of that and I can see now why He allowed all of it to happen. All of it.

My life went from this.

To this!

I have every single thing I had before. I have my five amazing children and my five beautiful grandchildren. And what’s more, God has blessed my family with a bond that is stronger than ever before. I have a car to get me where I need to go, a beautiful home, and a great job. I have amazing friends who love me and check on me daily.

Seems the only thing I lost in all the fray was a man who did not love me and only caused me pain and grief.

That’s it.

I’d say I came through the victor!

I have learned much about Who He is and Whose I am.

I have learned much about how our gracious, loving Heavenly Father wants to lift us up above the constant noise and the fray of this world.

I have learned much about how He will deliver us from every hidden trap of the enemy and how He will cover us with His arms to keep us from harm.

I have learned much about how He will not forget the ones forgotten by others.

I have learned much about how He delivers us from our enemies and how He is our refuge where we can run and be safe.

I have learned much about how He gives us wisdom and how He holds our right hand so we will not be shaken.

I have learned much about how He makes us strong, He is our rock, and He is our pathway of escape so no one can reach us.

I have learned much about how fear will not conquer us because He has already conquered it!

I have learned much about how He stays close to us, how He leads us, and how His authority is our strength and our peace.

I have learned much about how God can take one scripture from His precious word and bring about a whirlwind of revelation knowledge to our heart.

It’s the scripture the Spirit brought to my mind, over a month ago now, that opened my eyes to how the enemy will use anything to distract us from becoming who God wants us to be. Even the things we don’t see or acknowledge. Even things hidden in plain sight.