Author name: Tami

“For as the rain comes down, and the snow from Heaven, and do not return there, but water the earth and make it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; It shall not return to Me void, but it shall accomplish what I please, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.”    ~ Isaiah 55:10-11 Watering the newly planted grass that was to be my yard, watching the droplets fall to the earth from the hose I held in my hand, I prayed a simple prayer: “Lord, speak.” Through the leafy trees, rays of sunshine spot-lighted kelly-green blades of baby grass peeking through the soil, and I wondered what Jesus might say to me. Continuing my task, I could see trees, grass, earth and blue skies, but I couldn’t ‘hear’ the whispered words my heart longed for. I muttered again: “I need You to say something to me, Lord. This ministry is starting, the train has left the station, and while I believe with every ounce of me that this is my reason for being, I’m afraid I have nothing to say.” I quieted myself and focused on the water droplets spraying from my garden hose for the sole purpose of giving drink to these fledgling seeds. Without it, they wouldn’t survive. The labor of ground preparation and planting would be in vain. I worried and wondered if the seeds would germinate; if a lush green lawn was in my future…or perhaps, a writing ministry I feared I wasn’t qualified for. That’s when His answer came to me (in my own paraphrased way) and was quickly conveyed to my heart: “as the rain comes down and does not return without watering the earth, so My word goes out from My mouth and does not return void but accomplishes ALL for which I sent it.” (Isaiah 55:10-11). And I knew it was His answer to my question. I have been tasked with sharing my experiences with others. Mine has not been an easy life; no one’s is. But if the things I’ve suffered and contended with over the years merely “resolve” without benefiting others from lessons learned, then my suffering is in vain. And that’s where the disconnect has always been. Fear enters the equation (every single time), and it looks something like this… Life happens, something causes uneasiness, which leads to an inexplicable need for me to write, quickly followed by a fear to do so. Fear of a blank page turns into an even greater fear of putting my words on the page; words representative of vulnerable places inside me. This fear results in not writing; not following my calling. Often, I don’t even attempt that which I know God is patiently waiting for me to do. I knew I wanted to be a writer at 12 or 13 years old. By 16, that desire turned to need as a way of expressing myself, processing the world around me and finding my way. Teenaged angst can be a powerful motivator. It certainly was for me. So, I wrote. Like a painter paints and a budding thespian acts, I wrote poetry with abandon. I also spent a fair amount of time outside letting God inspire me through nature. If I were to look back and read my early works (and I have), I would be embarrassed at my immaturity and melodrama. However, if I were to also look beyond the surface, I’d see a young girl who not only placed value on language, but who literally basked in the beauty of the written word. In studying her drafts, I would see attempts at making words leap from the page and embrace in a dance of lyrical prose, and I’d see edits when those words didn’t quite communicate her intention. Fast forward forty years. Life took some left turns; the opposite of right. And while yes, I know that’s a bad pun, it’s also truth. My friend Holly used to say, “when making a life decision between two good things, ask yourself this question: ‘is it merely good…or is it right? Better yet, is one of the choices only cloaked in a mask of goodness?’” I wish I’d known that when I was young. How many wrong choices might have been avoided, and how much heartache saved? That includes my very recent years of intense grief over lost time and lost dreams. Life circumstances…even the most tragic ones…usually and eventually resolve to an extent that is compatible with life. The black hole of loss, the stinging memory of unfortunate words, the deep ache that settles over us when we’re hit with the realization that our own choices play a part in the agony…and worst of all, knowing that the pain of consequences extends to those we love but who share no blame. These things we can usually move beyond, to a place of healing acceptance. But for me, it’s been the sinking realization that precious time has slipped away, imperceptibly, coupled with the knowledge that time itself cannot come back. We don’t control it. A very tough pill to swallow. If there is one good thing about the passage of time, it’s that we can look back and identify where the wrong turns were and when they happened. From that knowledge, perhaps wisdom is gained and that is valuable. Like most of us, I wish I’d known then what I know now. So, what can we do now to step up to the plate and discern whether to take our best swing, or hold up? There are reasons we don’t swing at every pitch. Some pitches are simply bad. But if it’s fear, we shouldn’t let that factor into our strategy. Fear of failure, in and of itself, is never a good enough reason to decline to follow God’s leading. Sometimes fear is good;

The steam curls up from the top of my cup, floating in the air, then fading from existence. Staring, I look for answers as though I expect words to pop out from the steam and hover in the void of space before my eyes. But it’s not that easy, I’ve discovered. I wish it were. Life progresses through seasons. Answers to the questions we have surrounding our circumstances arise from lessons we learn while in those seasons. The natural world changes predictably from one season to the next, but events in our lives can move us (or hurl us) unpredictably and without asking permission. I call these life events “seasons” because once we’re there, we usually stay awhile, soak everything in, take note of what we’ve learned, and then move forward as a changed person. Or not. The “or not” is up to us. Looking over my life, I can identify distinct seasons. All of us have them; the difference is they aren’t as timely or convenient as Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter. We experience joy, sadness, hope, disappointment, fullness, emptiness…life, death. There’s a balance and a natural order to life, but sometimes from our limited, human perspective, we refuse to cooperate. Sometimes we like life, sometimes we don’t. I know I’ve tried to rush life’s seasons, growing weary of the pouring rain or the gale force winds. And then, when you want it, where is that rush of cool air in the blistering heat? Without looking deeper, it might appear that in the heat, the hardware store of life is all out of fans. In truth, heat refines us. In Spring, the mild temperatures thaw frozen areas of our heart and mind. It feels good to be warm. Like buried bulbs, we break through the hard earth, allowing the sun to smile on our accomplishments, our brilliant colors blossoming to the possibilities. Then Summer comes, still ripe with color, but warm becomes hot. I am not an extreme-weather person. I don’t thrive in the hot, dog days of Summer, or in the frozen realms of Winter. I find my happy place in mild, gentle conditions. Sadly, good character isn’t formed under gentle conditions. For instance, fire purifies gold and silver by extracting impure metals from the ore, leaving behind a richly refined product. Furthermore, while still exposed to the intense heat, the metal becomes soft and pliable, ready to be fashioned into a design of the crafter’s choosing. This is akin to the way our Creator works. Now and again, the Lord allows us to go through things we’d rather not be part of; painful things, yes, but they refine us in the process. Other times, we choose our own circumstances, although not very wisely. We sometimes get ahead of ourselves and we run ahead of wisdom. We’ve all done it. Personally, I’ve crowned myself the queen of unwise choices. I have some extreme regrets but living in a place of regret and self-condemnation doesn’t produce anything of value. Conversely, the pain we find ourselves enduring may have nothing to do with us, and everything to do with another person, or people. I know someone who is guilty of love. That’s all. She loved with her whole self, sacrificially, as Christ asks. Her reward was the pain of betrayal by an extremely flawed person, who falsely presented himself as someone possessing the utmost in moral character. He was the fraud, but she still bore the brunt of the fallout. He bailed and she was left to hold herself and her children together. But the truth is, she was never alone. And neither am I; and neither are you. One of my favorite verses is Psalm 34:7&8. “The Angel of the Lord encamps around those who reverence Him, and he delivers them. Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him.” When I read the word “encamp” a few images come to my mind: hot weather, camping, being entrenched, old military encampments with white tents. And in all these scenes, I imagine the Lord and His host of angels surrounding, supplying and protecting His warriors. I envision the soldiers gathered for evening rest before having to battle another day, a campfire in the middle for cooking, warmth and light. And while it stands to reason the enemy could also be surrounding and looking out on this scene, plotting its next attack, I believe to the depths of my being that those plans are in vain, because whatever surrounds God’s people, God surrounds it! No matter what season of life you find yourself in right now, no matter if it’s one that is natural, expected and predictable…or if it’s one that hit out of nowhere, like snowmageddon, a 500 year flood, or the drought of the century, it is a season in which you are not abandoned, you are never alone, and you will learn and grow. Not only that, but I predict you will thrive. Press into Jesus. Let Him love you. Let Him teach you. Let Him refine you. And always, always remember that “The Angel of the Lord encamps around those who reverence Him, and He delivers them.” Psalm 34:7