Comfort

Faith of My Father

“Faith of our fathers, we will love both friend and foe in all our strife, and preach thee, too, as love knows how, by kindly words and virtuous life: Faith of our fathers, Holy faith! We will be true to thee till death.” ~ Frederick W. Faber, 1814-1863 (Baptist Hymnal, 1956) “Yet, the Lord set His heart in love on your fathers, and chose their offspring after them…as you are to this day.” ~ Deuteronomy 10:15 I’m not one of those people who can say, “As a kid in church, I remember how my dad sang the old hymns loudly and boldly, belting out his love for Jesus in beautiful, baritone-rich harmonies.” Oh, no! Some of my young Sunday school friends could claim it, or even boast of their parents singing in the choir. My dad, however, was special for different reasons. First of all, as a five year old, this girl thought he was quite handsome, standing tall in his black Sunday suit, crisp white shirt and tie, and polished dress shoes. Music filled the air of the small Southern Baptist church, rising on the voices of parishioners as the old hymns rang out with piano and organ in one accord. “Let’s all stand as we open our hymnals to page…” This is how the song director usually began, as we rose promptly to our feet, and Daddy, opening his hymnbook, would hold it close to my mother so she could read and sing along. He, personally, never uttered a word or sang a single note, but he stood tall, proudly participating in congregational worship without missing a beat, so to speak. You see, the only time my father let anyone hear him sing was at home when, four times a year, he would help sing happy birthday to my mom or one of us girls. He, of course, was given a reprieve on his own birthday, but as the years went by he stopped singing altogether, even on these few simple, annual occasions. Anyway, this is how we all knew that his lack of song participation in church was really about the gift he was giving to others around him; the gift of silence. But we kids never gave it a second thought, as we knew that this man, who was our everything, couldn’t carry a tune to save his life. And thankfully, for the hearing world, that was never required. Although, it also wasn’t that he was completely without musical talent, for he and my mom, during their dating years in the 1940s, made quite a pair in the world of square dancing and clogging. He could make his feet dance up a storm, but exercising his vocal chords was entirely a different matter. Some years after his passing, my sisters and I were helping our mom go through old things in the garage in advance of selling her house. One of my sisters, I don’t remember which, discovered a tattered box belonging to Daddy, filled with memorabilia he’d kept from his youth. There was a worn photograph of his very first car, a 1931 Ford Model A, that one of my sisters remembers him telling her about. By the time he was old enough to purchase it, sometime in the late ‘30s or early ‘40s, the car in the photograph looked tired and a little worse for the wear. Also in the box were a variety of other older photographs, some odds and ends, and miraculously one old report card from his elementary school days. We huddled around taking note of his childhood grades when we saw it: “Music…D!” We laughed until tears ran down our cheeks and were doubled over with aching bellies, immediately sending us back to those childhood Sundays that Daddy graciously spared us his (lack of) vocal giftedness. But, the Bible says to simply make a joyful “noise” unto the Lord, and so what he lacked musically, he more than made up for as husband, father, and child of God. He daily, quietly, the epitome of the southern gentleman that he was, lived out his faith. He “sang his song” differently than most. Was he perfect? No. And none of us are. That’s why we need Jesus, and that is the song his life sang each and every day. From the time I was born, he and my mom took me to church. At mealtime and bedtime, he taught me to pray. When I was injured, he would clean and dress my wounds (and somehow the mercurochrome solution didn’t sting as bad when he painted it on). Scraped knees and elbows, splinters and bee stings, all were his specialty…he tenderly met my physical needs while soothing my fears, as only he could. Not to sound sacrilegious, but he was “like Jesus with skin on”…doing what Jesus would do, ministering to needs. As an aside, I need to mention that visiting the doctor was also not as frightening with him there. This was usually Mama’s job, but I distinctly remember occasions when this duty fell to him, and whatever pain the doctor and nurses could inflict, or threaten to inflict, was nothing compared to the strength and stoicism he brought to the situation. I realized I could be brave because he was brave. Tucking my small hand into his larger one made all the difference. He wore that same quiet strength every day of his life. Daddy had a way with people that was genuine and “down-home.” His folksy ways didn’t allow room for a pretentious bone in his body, a product of good stock and being brought up with love, discipline, and a rock-solid sense of right and wrong. If older neighbors or family needed their lawn mowed, he mowed it. If someone was in need of a car ride to their destination, he gave it. If money was in need, he gave out of his meager but blessed livelihood. And if any of his children’s friends needed the kindness of

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Thank You for the Valley

My counselor gave me an assignment. During one of our sessions a few months ago, I was a bit down and felt as if my healing journey had taken a few steps back. I felt stuck. In order to put my healing journey into perspective, Holly asked me to go back and read previous writings then compare them to where I am now. I had never thought to do that so I did as she suggested. I was pleasantly surprised to find I have come much further than I thought. Guess that’s why she’s the professional. The past eight blog posts, with the exception of From House to Home, have been part of that assignment, as is this one. (I have a few more I’m working on as well.) My eyes have been opened, not only to the kind of man I was married to and how very abused I was, but to the growth and healing that have definitely taken place. Back then, I was such a frightened young woman, living completely in denial, trying to cover up and hide my reality, and all the while being and doing everything possible to hold onto my marriage. However, I now know and understand the reason for the valleys and why God left me in them for as long as He did. It took time to unravel the tangled web of lies and manipulation I was living under. God revealed truth to me gradually, possibly so I’d be accepting of each one as they came. God knows my heart like no other and He knows exactly what I need, exactly when I need it. Had He revealed everything at once, it may have been far too overwhelming. But as each part was brought into the Light, my faith grew stronger. I can see that now. With all that being said, the excerpt below was originally written on July 20, 2015, but I need to fill in some background details first. At the time I wrote it, my ex-husband worked for the Missile Defense Agency and was given the job to build a missile site in Japan. The project started with a parcel of land, in the middle of a rural area, completely covered with trees and was home to a hoard of wild monkeys. His job was to clear it all off then set up an Army post, complete with all the amenities needed to sustain those who would be working and living there once it was complete. He had many months of work ahead of him which meant he’d be going back and forth to Japan for a very long time. Before a project of this caliber is started, there are several short trips to the region to make plans with the locals and check out the site, etc. It was during one of these short trips, my ex-husband met the woman who would, eventually, be the catalyst for the end of our marriage. I’m convinced, he somehow finagled his way into getting the assignment just so he could continue to travel to Japan (completely at the government’s expense, I might add) to be with her. His first thirty-day trip was planned for August 2015 and I was completely devastated. I always hated to be separated from him but the start of this assignment would be the longest we’d been apart since he came home from his year deployment to Kuwait in 1998. I also believe I was still reeling from the discovery of his “emotional affair” a few months before this and didn’t trust him. (See No More Idol Excuses) I can see now, even though I had no idea what my ex was doing behind my back, God was preparing me for the end. July 20, 2015 I am in a valley. I’m sitting here reflecting over the twelve plus years of my walk through this life with Jesus. My faith and my trust have been tested too many times to count. There have been some deep valleys. Ones so deep I thought I’d never find my way out. But there have also been some wonderful mountaintop experiences, too. However, those didn’t seem to last as long. But if I were allowed to stay on the mountaintop, how would I learn anything new? How would I grow? It’s in the valley experiences and in the trials where I learn the most valuable lessons. It’s there I have to totally rely on Jesus to get me through. There was a time in my life when I would beg God to take the trial away and set me back up on the mountaintop. And you know what? He never did. Why? Because He knew I needed that valley for a specific purpose. He was teaching me even though I didn’t understand or see what He was doing. I don’t beg God to take valleys away anymore. It’s not that I enjoy walking there but it’s in those times I feel my Savior’s arms around me. It’s there He wipes away my tears. It’s there His Spirit whispers to me, “It’s going to be okay. I am here. I will never let you go.” He is so faithful. He doesn’t let go. He never leaves me. Recently, I was hurled into a valley so deep that I didn’t see any way out. I just didn’t know what to do. I was sobbing and asking God, “Why, God? Why are You taking me here? Noooooooo…” You know what God did? He let me cry and protest as loud as I wanted but then all of a sudden, I felt the most wonderful peace come over me and my sobs softened. It was as if all He said was, “Shhh…” and that was it. Did He immediately lift me out of the valley and take all the hurt away? No, He did not. In fact, I’m still in it and He is, too. Walking right beside me, holding my hand. Can we

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The Rant and the Whisper

I had a pity party last week. I haven’t had one of those in a very long time and even this one was very unexpected. Everything in my life had been going well then WHAM! The summer heat is in full force here in Bama and the humidity has been stifling so I tend to stay indoors as much as possible. But, I needed a break from work so I went outside to get some fresh air and check the mailbox. There’s only one step from my porch to the sidewalk but I missed it. Somehow, I stepped off of it on the side of my foot and down I went. There was nothing to grasp to right myself and, before I knew it, I was on the ground. It took a minute for me to realize what had happened but once I did, I sat there on my sidewalk and cried for about ten minutes. Not because I was in pain, even though I was, but because I immediately felt old, needy, and very much alone. Whhhhhhyyyyyyy?? I am NOT supposed to be doing life alone. I should have someone here to help me when things like this happen. I shouldn’t be sitting here, on my sidewalk, in the middle of the afternoon, in the Alabama heat and humidity, crying because I just fell off my front porch! Why am I alone at my age, God? He promised to be with me forever. I shouldn’t be alone…yet, here I am… Has that ever happened to you? Life is going well then WHAM! You get the wind knocked out of you and everything, and I mean everything, takes thirty steps back? Somehow, I managed to pull my overweight body up off the sidewalk, hobbled back up the one small step that had just taken me down, and got back into the coolness of my home. I tried to go back to work but my mind was not focused on it as it should’ve been. All I could think about was how unfair my life was at that moment. I wanted to clock out and fall into my bed but fought through those feelings and completed my eight hours. The rest of the week was awful. I could not get out of the funk I had fallen into and did not know why. I took offense at every email and every text message from my co-workers. I just wanted to hide. When my daughter found out about my fall (of course I hadn’t told anyone about it; trying to be strong, brave, and all that), she told me I needed to go to the chiropractor to be adjusted so my body would heal properly and to ensure I hadn’t broken anything. I was fairly confident I hadn’t because I could still move my wrist and my ankle but you never know. I promised her I would and made an appointment for the next afternoon. On the way to the appointment, the Spirit very gently impressed on my heart that I was under a  Spiritual attack and I immediately knew why. This is the verbal, one-sided conversation against the enemy that ensued. Ohhhhhhh, I know what you’re doing! You’re attacking me because I drove by the house last Sunday, aren’t you? And you can’t handle the fact that the fear you had me bound up in, had been broken with one swift drive by a piece of real estate that was part of my old life! You have NO AUTHORITY over me and in the name of Jesus Christ and by the power of His blood that covers me, I send you back to the pit of hell where you belong. For “greater is He who is in me than he that is in the world.” Get back under my feet where you belong. I am “more than a conqueror in Christ Jesus” and you have no place in my life nor any authority over me whatsoever. Then I prayed… Thank You, Jesus, for Your constant presence and for showing me this past week of events has been a full-on attack from my enemy. I ask You to forgive me for my pity-party rant and to heal my body from the fall. There are times I have to remind myself I am still in the healing process. Very much so, as a matter of fact. I am human and just a sinner saved by grace so there will be those ranting moments I know, deep in my soul, do not bring my LORD glory. However, because He loves me so much, He won’t let me stay where it’s easy to stay. He whispers. He convicts. He shows me where I’m wrong and out of sorts. He asks me to trust Him. He reminds me to be thankful for my blessings instead of complaining about what I think should be.  During this time of healing and renewal, I have found a few things I thought were behind me, actually are not. A huge one being my previous house. It came up in my last counseling session and I am praying though all of it now. I’m trying to pinpoint exactly what the issue is. The Spiritual attack I’d been experiencing happened just a few days after I’d finally driven past the house I lived in for nine years with my former spouse. The enemy was mad the stronghold of fear he had me wrapped up in, was broken in just a few seconds. He liked having me there. It was one area he constantly poked me in the eye with. But, no more. Now that the chains of the stronghold have been broken, God will help me navigate through the myriad of emotions still keeping me attached to that place of residence. In the mean time, I wait on my LORD. I am so thankful for the still, small voice of my Father and how He whispers. I can be mid-rant and,

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In the Know and the No

Has God ever told you no? Did you just accept it and carry on? OR Did you pitch a fit then proceed to whine at Him, complete with a myriad of reasons why it’s not fair and you really didn’t care for His answer? I must be completely honest and openly admit, there have been many times during this healing journey I have experienced being told no by my Father and I didn’t like it. Not one bit. I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels that way at times. The age old saying “the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree” applies here as I know another little guy who relates to feeling this way. My grandson, Carson. When Carson was about four, whenever he’d receive the answer of no from one or both of his parents, he started whining. If that didn’t draw enough attention, he then proceeded to throw himself on the floor and roll around screaming. Like most of us, his Nana included, Carson had (and still has from time to time) his own agenda and ideas about how things should play out. He’s seven now and has grown a lot from those early days of tantrums but he still struggles with hearing the word no once in awhile. As do I. In times past, when God has told me no, I didn’t physically throw myself on the floor and roll around screaming but it didn’t stop me from taking that posture in my heart. To God, I was acting like a four-year-old child, whining, and wanting my own way. Can you relate to feeling that way sometimes? Carson has always been a Nana’s boy. Not really sure why he chose me to be his person but he did. He and I talk about many things. He’s a pretty deep thinker and enjoys the art of conversation. He reminds me of the young boy who is the next door neighbor in the first Home Alone movie. Always full of questions and wanting answers to every single one right now but not waiting for the answer before asking the next question. Sometimes I truly wonder if that’s how God sees me when I question His sovereignty over my life. Hmmmmm. I’ll never forget a conversation Carson and I had one morning after he’d spent the night with me. I was getting ready for work and he came into my bathroom. He greeted me with his very sweet, “Good morning, Nana!”, gave me a hug, then crawled up on my bed. After a few minutes, I noticed he was watching me pretty intently and I knew the wheels were turning in his head. “Do you remember what we talked about a few days ago, Carson?” He shook his head in affirmation but I clearly doubted he actually remembered. “We talked about being good for your mama today. Do you remember?” “Yes, Nana.” “Do you remember Who wants you to be good for your mama?” He just smiled. I put down whatever it was I was holding in my hand and walked over to the bed where he was sitting. I got down on my knees next to the bed so we could be face to face. He was staring at me so intently, I knew this was about to be a God moment. “Carsey, Jesus wants you to be good for your mama. The Bible tells us that we are to obey our parents. They know what’s best for us. Jesus loves you very much and He wants you to do whatever your mama and daddy tell you to do. You may not always understand why they tell you no or why they stop you from doing something they know will hurt you but they can see things you can’t see. You have to trust them all the time because you never know what’s ahead and they can see what’s all around you.” It was then the realization of my own words shook me to my soul and took hold of my heart. I had no idea it would be a God moment for me as well. When you’ve walked with God for a long time, you just know when He’s impressing a deep lesson onto your heart. You don’t have to stop and ask Him for an explanation. You just know. “You may not always understand why I tell you no or why I stop you from doing something I know will hurt you. I can see things you can’t see. You have to trust Me all the time because you never know what’s ahead and I can see what’s all around you.” Suddenly, I was no longer the teacher. I had become the child. The lesson in obedience I was trying to teach my precious, young grandson became a lesson for me. Obedience without understanding all the facts is exactly what God has been teaching me since this wilderness-type journey with Him began. On that day, three years ago, God used a conversation with a four-year old to show me I had been acting just like one. I whined and cried to get my own way. I had looked at His answer of no as a way of punishing me and keeping me from something I thought would be good. Have you ever been stuck in wanting your own way? Stuck in the past? Stuck in the pain of a life altering event? In your own thoughts? In your own agenda? As I drove to work later that morning, I couldn’t get the conversation I’d had with Carson off my mind nor the subsequent realization that, at times, I was no different as God’s child than that of my four-year-old grandson. As I drove and pondered that conversation, the Holy Spirit pressed another realization into my heart. He very gently reminded me of a Bible story I’ve heard my entire life but at that time, took on a completely different meaning. Never had

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Heart Conditions

I was born with a hole in my heart. Back in 1963, if you received news such as this about your newborn baby, it wasn’t followed with many hopeful words. My mom was told to take me home and enjoy what little time she might be blessed with. The doctor said I wouldn’t live to see my six-week check-up. Clearly, that doctor was wrong. Clearly, that doctor didn’t know the prayer warrior he was speaking with. Clearly, that doctor wasn’t privy to the plans God had for me. And, clearly, I’ve lived well beyond my six-week check- up. While the hole in my newborn heart was healed sometime within a six-week period,  between October and November of 1963, I’ve since met with another. Same heart. Different hole. While this one was not physical in nature, it certainly caused enough pain to convince me otherwise. Have you ever been at a place in your life and you didn’t understand how you even got there? Have you ever wondered the when, where, and why of a reckless and impulsive choice, made by another, that would change the entire trajectory of your life but, at the time, you didn’t know was en route? Have you ever felt as if you were stuck in limbo? Placed on hold or even felt as if your life had been postponed? If you have, you’re not alone. I’ve been there, too, and at times, feel I still am. God is Sovereign. That means He is the supreme Authority over my life. I am His child. He knew when my life would begin, He knows when it will end, and He knows every event that will happen in-between. He knows every choice I will make as well as the direct effect it will have on my life and on those around me. He also knows the choices others will make that will directly effect me. “You saw me before I was born.     Every day of my life was recorded in Your book. Every moment was laid out     before a single day had passed.” ~ Psalm 139:16 NLT Sometimes we find ourselves in the middle of heart-wrenching circumstances all because someone else decided their selfish desires should come before all else. Some grievous seasons are the direct result of another’s bad life choices. Mine began when my former spouse made the decision to take up with several other women, feeling completely justified in doing so. I felt I didn’t have any other choice but to give him what he wanted. It was either that or continue to live in a loveless marriage, while we led two separate lives. We had been doing that for several years and I was miserable and lonely. He wanted to live life on his own terms and not be accountable to anyone. I could not, would not accept that. So, I made the agonizing choice to let him go.  He had stopped loving me years before we got to this point. Not quite sure what he was waiting for. He was either waiting to get caught or waiting for the day I decided I’d had enough. My heart was completely shattered. I didn’t understand why any of it was happening but somehow found the presence of mind to know how vitally important it was for me to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus. I knew I’d never make it through without Him. I was in un-chartered territory and had no idea what I was going to do about anything. The only thing I did know for sure was that God would take care of me. I knew He would help me navigate through the heart-wrenching grief I could not wrap my mind around. “You go before me and follow me.     You place Your hand of blessing on my head.  Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,     too great for me to understand!” ~ Psalm 139:5&6 NLT God’s word says He takes what the enemy means for evil and uses it to bring good (Genesis 50:20). But I can tell you, with 100% transparency, when you’re in the middle of a heart-wrenching situation, it sure doesn’t feel as if anything remotely resembling good could possibly come from it! It causes unfathomable grief and sometimes, you just want to wallow in it and cry. I’ve been there, done that. More times than I can count. I have been divorced and on my own for three and a half years now. There have been so many times I just knew I had turned a corner or had taken a huge step towards healing and all of a sudden, something triggered a memory and it felt as if all the progress made to that point, took a few steps back. And, perhaps, unexpected memories have taken me a few steps back into the pain of the past, but when that happens, it makes me realize it’s all just part of the process. Healing takes time. Sometimes, a long time. However, I have noticed the pain isn’t quite as raw and doesn’t last nearly as long as it used to. That, in and of itself, gives me hope to keep pushing forward…even when the condition of my heart is crying out for mercy and wants to quit. Although, 2020 was a year filled with a lot of uncertainty, I felt happier and freer than I had in a very long time. In mid-March, my employer shut and locked the office doors and sent us all home, fully equipped with the capability to work remotely. I have to admit, I sure didn’t know how they expected us to process paperless loans but somehow, we managed. Even in the middle of being uprooted from my routine and having to learn a new way to do my job, I felt amazingly happy and very thankful to able to work from home so I could continue to have an income. Which was yet another reminder of God’s constant provision. As I look

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When He Whispers

Do you ever get a song stuck in your head and, no matter what you do to make it stop, it just plays over and over and over again? That happened to me today. However, this song was different. It was comforting to have it resounding over and over in my head. Perhaps, it was by design. A gentle reminder of where I belong and to Whom I belong. Albert Brumley wrote this song in 1936 so it may be a little out-dated and a little old-fashioned but it still carries so much truth and amazing comfort. And it’s still one of my very favorites. I had an appointment this morning and the only route there took me by a landmark that instantly reminds me of a few of my ex-husband’s life choices. I usually try to avert my eyes to avoid seeing it but, more often than not, the apprehension starts before I even get there. Just as it did this morning. As the landmark started creeping into view, this comforting song came to mind, as if from no where, and began crowding out the apprehension in my heart. The closer I got to the monument representing sorrowful memories of my past, the louder this anthem rang. It was then I realized it didn’t just come from no where. It was by design. Just as He always does, my Faithful and True had gone before me and prepared the way so as I reached the place where grief usually overwhelms me, glory took its place! This world is not my home, I’m just a-passin’ through, My treasures are laid up, Somewhere beyond the blue, The angels beckon me, From heaven’s open door, And I can’t feel at home in this world anymore. Who am I that the Eternal God of the Universe was already there, waiting, just to whisper this song over me, just to ensure I would drive over 50 yards of familiar pavement, without grief engulfing me? Such love I have never known in this life. It relentlessly pursues me. This unconditional, amazing, abundant love of Jesus. It overwhelms me. I am completely undone. Living in this world, we will experience situations that will hurt us. Sometimes, deeply. Whether the pain is caused by a choice of our own making, by the choice of someone else, or even something completely out of our control, in this world, we will have trouble. Jesus even warned us about it. His words are found in John 16:33. “I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace. In the world you have tribulation and distress and suffering, but be courageous [be confident, be undaunted, be filled with joy]; I have overcome the world.” ~ John 16:33 AMP I’ve driven by that landmark in the next town too many times to count and why God chose to whisper to me in that moment, confirmed several things. First and foremost, He very clearly wanted to remind me that this world is not my home and the painful situations that happen to me as I journey here, are temporal. This world belongs to the enemy of my soul, I am a stranger living here for just a brief moment in time, to do the work He’s called me to do, and, when that’s complete, He’ll call me home. I also know He’s preparing me for the next step in this journey and He doesn’t want my past overshadowing my future. He wants me to be courageous as I drive by that particular piece of real estate and know beyond doubt that what He cut from my life, He did because He loves me. He alone knew what would’ve happened had I stayed in that abusive marriage. He alone knew the plans for my future didn’t include a man who didn’t honor nor respect the woman He created me to be. He also knew, the heartache and grief experienced during that time, would be momentary and would not, could not, compare to what He has waiting for me. He whispered all of that into my heart with just seven short lines of a very old song that brought with them not only revelation, but peace and love beyond comprehension. However, that beautiful moment was not the first time God has whispered to me through music. He does it quite often. I’ve been blessed to have been part of quite a few church choirs and on several praise teams so there’s music written on my heart forever. But, I truly believe, the sweetest songs He brings to the forefront of my mind are the older ones I’ve stored away and have either forgotten or haven’t thought of in a very long time. Just like the precious one above. A few months ago, God reminded me of a song I had first sung, sometime back in 1988, at our church in Alaska. I recall the music minister had been encouraging me to be a soloist. I really didn’t think I had a solo-type voice. (I hadn’t sung by myself since 7th grade when, during a choir concert, my voice cracked right in the middle of a one line solo and all the boys on the back row laughed out loud at me. It was one of the most humiliating moments of junior high. From that moment on, I told myself I’d never sing another solo again. But God had different plans.) I told my music minister I would really pray about it and even went as far as to actually drive to the Jesus store (what my kids have always called the christian bookstore) and look for a song to start working on. Long story short, I not only sang that song, I became a regular on the “special music” rotation. All of that, to say this. It’s the songs I sang in church, all those years ago, when my kids were little, that God is giving back to me now. However, they have taken on a very

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