Hope

The Cost of Surrender

Leave a Comment / Healing, Hope, Relationship / /

I learned a new song at church a few weeks ago. New to me, that is. You may know it. You may have even sung it. As I listened to the words of the chorus, they became very convicting. “I will make room for You, To do whatever You want to, To do whatever You want to.” Really? These words state commitment. These words state “not my will, not my way, not how I want things; I want YOUR will, YOUR way, the way YOU want things, Jesus.” How many of us could truly sing this song and actually mean the words coming from our lips? Can we sing them with conviction and commitment? The song goes on… Here is where I lay it down, Every burden, every crown, This is my surrender, This is my surrender. Here is where I lay it down, Every lie and every doubt, This is my surrender, This is my surrender. I will make room for You, To do whatever You want to, To do whatever You want to. Shake up the ground of all my tradition, Break down the walls of all my religion, Your way is better, Your way is better. Here is where I lay it down, You’re all I’m chasing now, This is my surrender, This is my surrender.” ~ Written by Trinity Anderson This is a beautiful praise song and the words so heart felt. They stir up a lot of emotion. As I listened to them being sung, they took me back to a day a little over four years ago now. Seems like it was only yesterday. My entire life, the lives of my children, and the lives of my grandchildren were forever changed with a few simple, whispered words. “Yes, Jesus. I choose You.” That was my surrender and it changed my life forever. I do not regret my decision to surrender nor do I regret the events that have transpired since. I know they were God’s will and path for my life. Now. But at the time, the only thing I knew was I trusted Him with my entire being and I knew that no matter what happened beyond that moment, He would be in control and take care of me. I surrendered. Everything. And it was incredibly painful. However, I have come to realize something I didn’t know back then. ~ God is in the Details ~ In the pivotal moment I surrendered everything, I truly expected God to restore my marriage. I don’t remember praying for God to restore it; just seemed like a given. Divorce wasn’t even on my radar. The word never even crossed my mind. We were both raised with parents who had been married for years and divorce just didn’t happen. I just knew he’d feel the same way. I’d been with him from the age of 19. He practically raised me. He taught me everything I knew. I could not imagine my life without him. After all, he loved me as I loved him. We could get through anything, just as we’d done for years. When his lies were brought to light, I asked him why he cheated on me and how in the world he could choose another after all the years we’d been together. You can imagine my shock and disbelief when I heard him say, “I just wanted to be happy and I’m not willing to save our marriage.” No emotion. No remorse. No empathy. Just very matter of fact. Even though he had pathologically lied to me up to that point, I knew those words he spoke, were truth. He willingly, consciously chose to go his own way and not look back. He chose to turn his back on me, our children, and our grandchildren; never to return. At first, I believe I was in shock. I thought he loved me as I loved him. Clearly, that was not the case. I was completely broken. Shattered is really more like it. Yet, even in the grief, I knew I’d made the right choice. I wanted Jesus more than I wanted him. Even in the brokenness, I was at peace, my mind resolute, and I knew I’d be okay. As long as I had Jesus, I knew I’d make it through. You might be wondering how those emotions can possibly be felt all at the same time. Seems like you’d feel one way or the other, right? But, when you know Jesus and have a personal relationship with Him, you know feelings such as these co-mingle quite often. Peace in pain. Serenity in sorrow. Grace in grief. I don’t completely understand how it happens but I can testify that it does. I have lived it and experienced it over and over myself and it’s the only way I want to live. With Jesus in control. With Jesus in the lead. With Jesus guiding my every step. When I chose God over my ex, I meant it. With all my heart, I meant it. Which brings me back to the song above. As these words fell on my ears during worship, I could’t help but wonder how many around me realized what they were singing. Did they truly understand the magnitude of what it means to surrender? Or were they just song lyrics, on a big screen, being sung without considering their message? In Matthew 16:24 and following, Jesus spoke these words. “Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wants to come after Me, he must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.” ~ Matthew 16:24-25 NASB What does it mean to deny oneself? It’s a pretty tall order to deny our own wants and desires. For myself, it seems to be a daily surrendering of what I think I want for my life. My emotions fluctuate from one day to the next.

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Just Breathe

1 Comment / Encouragement, Hope / /

Ever After is my favorite movie. From the time I was a little girl, I dreamed about the man God would give me to spend the rest of my life with. I think all little girls do that at one time or another. I would put one of my mom’s sheer curtains on my head as a veil, pick some wildflowers for my bouquet, and pretend to walk down the aisle toward my handsome prince. I guess it’s just the romantic in me that is happy when she finally gets her handsome prince and her evil step-mother and step-sister finally get what they deserve and become servants in the palace. But it may go just a bit deeper for me. There is one line in particular that gets me every time. Danielle has just arrived at the Masked Ball and she whispers to herself, “Breathe. Just breathe.”  She is about to reveal to the Prince who she really is. She whispers these words to herself as a way to calm her anxiety as well as the overwhelming emotions that are surging through her. Well, as in any fairy tale, her plans are thwarted. Her step-mother tells the Prince she’s just a servant in her home and before Danielle can explain, the Prince rejects her in front of everybody. Not the way she pictured this scene in her mind, I am quite sure. In the years since giving my heart to Jesus, I have found myself uttering those same words, many times. However, in a slightly different format. The times I have prayerfully uttered these words seem to have one thing in common. They’ve been uttered from the depths of a wounded and fragile heart when I feel as if I just can’t take one more thing. When it feels as if the walls are closing in, the tears won’t cease, and I just can’t bear it anymore, somehow, the words find a way up from my soul, through my heart, and out through my lips. “Breathe on me, Holy Spirit. Just breathe.” Once this softly whispered prayer has been spoken, it’s as if heaven itself cannot hold Him back. It’s like He’s finally hearing the words He’s been longing to hear. I feel His comforting presence all around me and hear His gentle whisper in my ear. “I am here, child. You are safe in My arms. I have you. Do not be afraid. I am here. Forever.” I am stronger in moments such as this than at any other time in my life. It’s when He breathes over my life that I am strong. Here I am, at my weakest point and yet I feel strong, in Him. “But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9a (ESV) “My power is made perfect in weakness.” Let your mind dwell on those words for a moment. It’s when we are at our weakest, He can fill us with His power. When we’ve exhausted and frustrated ourselves doing all we can to fix a situation only to find out it’s an impossible task, we finally call out to Him. And you know what? He’s always there. No matter how many times we’ve done it before. He is faithful to hear us and come when we call. I am sure on more than one occasion, His heart has cried out, “Why did you wait so long?”  He longs for us to call out to Him. He wants to be our constant help but He won’t force Himself into our lives. He wants us to choose Him and when we finally do, it thrills His heart. What about you? Is there a deep desire in your heart to immediately call on Him when faced with the challenges or hurtful events in this life? Danielle and her Prince Henry do eventually find their way back to each other. They do get married and they do live happily ever after. Ah, fairy tales! You gotta love ’em, right? They make us feel good for a few hours and it’s always a great movie when all ends well. It ends well for us, too, you know. Once upon some unknown time, Jesus WILL return to this earth to gather us up. He WILL take us home to live with Him forever. We WILL see all our loved ones who are there waiting for us. We WILL live happily ever after. Forever and always with our King of Kings and Lord of Lords. But, until then, when you feel like giving up, when you feel it’s not worth the fight, when it hurts to much to speak… Breathe. Just breathe.

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Something of Value

1 Comment / Encouragement, Healing, Hope, Peace, Renewal / /

He said I had no value.  “Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?”   ~ Matthew 6:26 ESV What does it mean to value something or have values about something? I think it would depend on the object or objects in question. Wouldn’t you? I looked up both words: value/values. Each returned the same exact results. The word value(s) has several meanings. the monetary worth of something. a fair return or equivalent in goods, services, or money exchanged. relative worth or importance. the relative duration of a musical note. relative lightness or darkness of a color. However, let’s say you’re defining the value of another person in your life. What does it mean to value your spouse, your children, or a dear friend? I scrolled down a little further on the definition for both forms of the word and here’s what I found. something intrinsically valuable or desirable. to rate or scale in usefulness, importance, or general worth. So, to value someone means to see their usefulness, importance, worth, or something to be desired. Seems easy enough. What if, for example, you were told by someone close to you, such as your spouse, your child, or a friend, that you had no value? That you weren’t useful to them or important, or held worth? I would think learning that would be pretty devastating. What if you overheard it from a conversation you shouldn’t have been privy to but couldn’t un-hear it once you heard the words spoken? How do you live with that? I would imagine it would be very difficult to recover from that. Especially if you didn’t want the other person to know you accidentally overheard their conversation, for fear of retribution. That would mean you’d have to pretend you didn’t know anything and you’d have to ensure you didn’t act any differently for fear of giving yourself away. You’d have to push your emotions down and not let them affect you. And yet, you’d have to continue to live day after day, week after week, month after month, and year after year knowing the true feelings of the other person. Sounds pretty convoluted, doesn’t it? It was. Welcome to just one of the many scenarios I endured while married to my ex. We were married just shy of 35 years and I dealt with situations like the one above, at least, two or three times a week. There was always drama. Whether it was work related or health related or even yard work related. There was always something. I constantly walked on egg shells. He probably didn’t notice it because I became very good at hiding my feelings from him and besides, who notices someone of no value. As a child, I always looked forward to Christmas. My daddy was a cabinet builder by trade and, even though he worked hard, money was always tight. We lived in a 742 square foot, two-bedroom house on 28th Avenue. My two sisters and I shared a bedroom. We were crowded but it never seemed to bother us. We were thankful for what we had. I’m sure we were considered poor folks but I never felt poor. Christmas was the one day out of the year we received toys. I believe I was around 7 years old when I unwrapped her. A sweet little baby doll, complete with a fuzzy pink blanket and a bottle. I was so happy when I saw her all tucked into her little box. Since I didn’t have anything to make a little bed out of, I used the box she came in. After all, she fit into it perfectly because it was made just for her. I named her Joy. I don’t recall now why I decided on that name. Probably because having her as my own brought me such great joy. I took her everywhere with me. I’m sure to others, she looked like an ordinary doll but to me, she was one of a kind. She was the only doll I had so Joy was something of great value. When I was in the fourth grade, my mom gave birth to my little brother. Having four kids in a two-bedroom house became much too crowded so we moved to Oregon to live next to my grandparents. My Pappy had bought a big tract of land and then each one of my mom’s siblings purchased what they wanted. My parents purchased a used single-wide mobile home and had it moved onto the Sager section of the parceled out land. There were two bedrooms in the trailer. My oldest sister got one of the rooms to herself and my younger sister and I shared. My dad removed the tilt out portion on the trailer then added on a big living room, a master bedroom, and a laundry room to expand the living space. It was the biggest home I’d ever lived in. I thought we’d won the lottery or something. I started fifth grade the next school year. We lived out in the country so we rode the bus to and from school every day. My grandma built a shed by the main road so we would have shelter in case it rained. It was the Pacific Northwest. Rain was a given. Every morning, my sisters and I would walk up the hill and wait beside the gravel country road for the big yellow bus to pull up. The bus route took about an hour to get around to all the houses where the country kids lived. I remember the Thompson kids always smelled like they needed baths and you always knew what the Kelly kids had eaten for breakfast. I guess it’s not a bad thing to get on the school bus smelling like bacon. Funny the things we remember from childhood, isn’t it? What I remember most about

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Heart Conditions

2 Comments / Comfort, Encouragement, Healing, Hope / /

I was born with a hole in my heart. Back in 1963, if you received news such as this about your newborn baby, it wasn’t followed with many hopeful words. My mom was told to take me home and enjoy what little time she might be blessed with. The doctor said I wouldn’t live to see my six-week check-up. Clearly, that doctor was wrong. Clearly, that doctor didn’t know the prayer warrior he was speaking with. Clearly, that doctor wasn’t privy to the plans God had for me. And, clearly, I’ve lived well beyond my six-week check- up. While the hole in my newborn heart was healed sometime within a six-week period,  between October and November of 1963, I’ve since met with another. Same heart. Different hole. While this one was not physical in nature, it certainly caused enough pain to convince me otherwise. Have you ever been at a place in your life and you didn’t understand how you even got there? Have you ever wondered the when, where, and why of a reckless and impulsive choice, made by another, that would change the entire trajectory of your life but, at the time, you didn’t know was en route? Have you ever felt as if you were stuck in limbo? Placed on hold or even felt as if your life had been postponed? If you have, you’re not alone. I’ve been there, too, and at times, feel I still am. God is Sovereign. That means He is the supreme Authority over my life. I am His child. He knew when my life would begin, He knows when it will end, and He knows every event that will happen in-between. He knows every choice I will make as well as the direct effect it will have on my life and on those around me. He also knows the choices others will make that will directly effect me. “You saw me before I was born.     Every day of my life was recorded in Your book. Every moment was laid out     before a single day had passed.” ~ Psalm 139:16 NLT Sometimes we find ourselves in the middle of heart-wrenching circumstances all because someone else decided their selfish desires should come before all else. Some grievous seasons are the direct result of another’s bad life choices. Mine began when my former spouse made the decision to take up with several other women, feeling completely justified in doing so. I felt I didn’t have any other choice but to give him what he wanted. It was either that or continue to live in a loveless marriage, while we led two separate lives. We had been doing that for several years and I was miserable and lonely. He wanted to live life on his own terms and not be accountable to anyone. I could not, would not accept that. So, I made the agonizing choice to let him go.  He had stopped loving me years before we got to this point. Not quite sure what he was waiting for. He was either waiting to get caught or waiting for the day I decided I’d had enough. My heart was completely shattered. I didn’t understand why any of it was happening but somehow found the presence of mind to know how vitally important it was for me to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus. I knew I’d never make it through without Him. I was in un-chartered territory and had no idea what I was going to do about anything. The only thing I did know for sure was that God would take care of me. I knew He would help me navigate through the heart-wrenching grief I could not wrap my mind around. “You go before me and follow me.     You place Your hand of blessing on my head.  Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,     too great for me to understand!” ~ Psalm 139:5&6 NLT God’s word says He takes what the enemy means for evil and uses it to bring good (Genesis 50:20). But I can tell you, with 100% transparency, when you’re in the middle of a heart-wrenching situation, it sure doesn’t feel as if anything remotely resembling good could possibly come from it! It causes unfathomable grief and sometimes, you just want to wallow in it and cry. I’ve been there, done that. More times than I can count. I have been divorced and on my own for three and a half years now. There have been so many times I just knew I had turned a corner or had taken a huge step towards healing and all of a sudden, something triggered a memory and it felt as if all the progress made to that point, took a few steps back. And, perhaps, unexpected memories have taken me a few steps back into the pain of the past, but when that happens, it makes me realize it’s all just part of the process. Healing takes time. Sometimes, a long time. However, I have noticed the pain isn’t quite as raw and doesn’t last nearly as long as it used to. That, in and of itself, gives me hope to keep pushing forward…even when the condition of my heart is crying out for mercy and wants to quit. Although, 2020 was a year filled with a lot of uncertainty, I felt happier and freer than I had in a very long time. In mid-March, my employer shut and locked the office doors and sent us all home, fully equipped with the capability to work remotely. I have to admit, I sure didn’t know how they expected us to process paperless loans but somehow, we managed. Even in the middle of being uprooted from my routine and having to learn a new way to do my job, I felt amazingly happy and very thankful to able to work from home so I could continue to have an income. Which was yet another reminder of God’s constant provision. As I look

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A Different Direction

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Have you ever taken a detour? In December of 2019, my son and I were driving home from Destin, Florida after having spent Christmas there as a family. It’s a pretty long drive back to Alabama and when traffic comes to a complete halt, it’s easy to get frustrated and irritable sitting there, especially when you’re tired and just want to get home. After sitting still for what seemed like hours (I’m sure it had only been minutes), I noticed several cars passing to the right of me. I mentioned to my son those must be getting off the Interstate at the next exit to detour around what had brought us to a standstill. Having said that, I eased over into the right lane then proceeded to follow the rest of the cars to the next exit. My son was upset and wanted me to stay on the Interstate and just wait it out. However, I knew something he did not. I had programmed our home address into the GPS before leaving Florida. Even though we were back in Alabama and knew the way home from where we’d been stopped, I left it on just in case something like this happened. I had been in similar situations before and I knew the GPS would eventually re-route us back onto the right path to get us home. My son doesn’t like sudden changes from the known path and he very clearly voiced his fear with my choice of doing so. After listening to him protest for several minutes, I turned to him and said, “I understand your fear and know you don’t like last minute change but you’re going to have to trust me. I know what I’m doing and we’ll be okay. God will see us safely home.” Sudden or unexpected change can rock your world. If you’re a planner, you like your plan and know exactly how everything needs to go in order for that plan to work out. I know that to be true because I was the same way. I had a plan. Once. As a little girl, I used to play dress up in my mom’s clothes. Most of the time, I pretended to be a beautiful princess locked up in a castle, waiting for the handsome knight on a white horse to come rescue me. He would face the enemy holding me captive and once my foe was defeated, my handsome knight would come to the tower, sweep me up into his arms, and carry me away to live happily ever after. As I grew older, reality took the place of the knight and instead, I dreamed of a Christian man who just wanted to share life with me. One who cherished me. It’s all I ever wanted. I never dreamed of having a career or making lots of money. I only wanted to be married and have kids. That was my plan. Turns out, my plan for the long term didn’t exactly match God’s. His was quite different from mine. He was privy to details I knew nothing about. And, much like my son’s fearful protests about my detour off the Interstate, I spouted a few fearful protests when the life I’d known for three decades, suddenly took a detour of its own. But after listening to my protests, the Father whispered to me and said, “I understand your fear and know you don’t like last minute change but you’re going to have to trust Me. I know what I’m doing and you’ll be okay. I will see you safely home.” As I sit here reflecting back on the past three years, I’ve come to realize that what I thought was a sudden, last minute change, clearly was not. God had been preparing me, as well as covering me, for a very long time, even though I wasn’t aware of it. It seemed very sudden when it happened but, had I seen it from God’s perspective, I would’ve known He had been working on my behalf for years and everything had just fallen into place. When our lives detour from the path we thought we were on, it can be scary. Let’s face it. It can be earth shattering and sometimes, even heart-wrenching. When we realize the life plan we’d dreamed of and, perhaps even carefully thought out, suddenly ends, it’s difficult to come to terms with. Then the never-ending questions come and the heart-wrenching struggle to wrap your mind around what just happened, ensues. God created all of us with a free will to choose our own path in life. When you’re married, surely you believe the path you and your spouse are walking together will go in the same direction. But, unfortunately, that isn’t always the case. I do not believe God made me suffer the pain of infidelity and divorce. It was the end result of my former spouse’s life choices. I know God knew it would happen and He knew it would be a devastating loss in my life but I also know, He allowed it to happen because He loves me. Yes, you read that right. I didn’t understand it at the time but I see it all so clearly now. God is the Alpha and the Omega. He’s the beginning and the end. He sees the beginning and the end and everything that happens in between. He is Jehovah-El Roi, the God who sees. We never know what will be birthed from the situations and seasons that bring with them intense suffering, but that is when we have to keep our eyes on our Father and trust His heart. We must have faith. “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” ~ Hebrews 11:1 ESV This means no matter what we can see with our physical eyes, we believe and know God is at work in the unknown and will keep His word and His promises. We either trust Him

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To Encourage You ~ Psalm 91

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I woke up this morning with Psalm 91 on my heart. Such beautiful words penned by David of how God is our Refuge and Fortress. When I think of a fortress, I picture a city or a town with a big wall built around it to keep those within, from being attacked by the enemy without. I’ve lived on several military installations over the years and built around every single one is a wall to keep those within safe from all who are not allowed to be there. That’s exactly what our God is to us as His children. He is our Fortress. He puts a wall of protection around us, if you will, and He is not susceptible to outside influence or disturbance! He is our Defender and Protector! We can run to Him and hide and He will faithfully shelter us. That brings such comfort to my heart this day! With all the evil being exposed in our country and around the world, I am comforted by the promise of Almighty God that He will shelter and protect us from harm. He is in control and He sees and knows all! He will not allow the wicked to go unpunished but He also has His own timing. His ways are not our ways nor are His thoughts our thoughts. (Isaiah 55:9) We have to trust Him. We must have faith. “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1 NASB “And without faith, it is impossible to please Him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who seek Him.” ~ Hebrews 11:6 NASB My prayer this day is that you’ll be encouraged and know that you know that you know Almighty God is in control. He is “our Refuge and our Strength; a very present help in trouble.” Psalm 46:1 May these words from Psalm 91, bring you comfort and strength this day. “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress; my God, in whom I trust.” For He will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with His pinions, and under His wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness is a shield and buckler. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness, nor the destruction that wastes at noonday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. You will only look with your eyes and see the recompense of the wicked. Because you have made the Lord your dwelling place, the Most High who is my refuge, no evil shall be allowed to befall you, no plague come near your tent. For He will command His angels concerning you, to guard you in all your ways. On their hands they will bear you up, lest you strike your foot against a stone. You will tread on the lion and the adder, the young lion and the serpent you will trample underfoot. “Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him; I will protect him, because he knows My name. When he calls to Me, I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will rescue him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him My salvation.” ~ Psalm 91 ESV

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“Keep Your Eyes on Me”

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Have you ever allowed fear to control you? Fear is a very powerful emotion. It causes panic and impulsive decisions. It usually strikes when we least expect it and comes with a rush of adrenaline that makes us want to run for our lives. Ever experienced that? If you answered in the affirmative, you’re definitely not alone. I, too, can raise my hand in agreement. While fear is a very powerful emotion, it does not come from God. The words “fear not” are used 365 times in the Bible. Do you think it’s the desire of God’s heart that His children not live in fear? I would say it’s pretty obvious. 1 Kings 18 & 19, tell the story of Elijah, a mighty prophet of God, who allowed one woman’s threat to make him run in fear for his life. God had just used Elijah to slaughter 450 false prophets of Baal and 400 false prophets of Asherah by calling down fire from heaven. The King’s wife, Jezebel, was angry and vowed to kill Elijah as he had killed her false prophets. When this word reached Elijah, he allowed one thought from his enemy to control his next move. “Elijah was afraid and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, while he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush, sat down under it, and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.” Then he lay down under the bush and fell asleep.” ~ 1 Kings 19:3-5 NIV Elijah was afraid, worn out, frustrated, and wanted to give up. He actually asked God to let him die right then and there. Ever been there? Have you ever been so tried of waiting or weary from grief, heartache, or bad news that you just wanted it to end? I know I have. Elijah was no different. He was every bit a human just like us. And he was weary. All at once an angel touched him and said, “Get up and eat.” He looked around, and there by his head was some bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again. The angel of the Lord came back a second time and touched him and said, “Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you.” So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God. There he went into a cave and spent the night.” ~ 1 Kings 19:6-9 NIV Now, I’ve never been awakened from a nap by the touch of an angel, that I know of, nor has bread and water appeared on my nightstand (which is completely possible) but I understand and relate to Elijah’s feelings. I fought long and hard for my marriage. I spent countless hours on my knees in prayer for my former spouse and nothing ever changed. I went out of my way to do things to make him happy and, quite often, in ways that made me feel ashamed.  All of it a desperate attempt to make him love me. At one time, I had even convinced him to go to counseling, thinking it would heal whatever it was I couldn’t accomplish on my own. It was all in vain. He went to one session and quit. And yet, I continued to fight. I was so convinced there was something I hadn’t tried or some magic words I hadn’t said to win him back. It wasn’t until he looked me in the eye and said, “I’m not willing”, did I accept defeat. It was then I realized it didn’t matter what I had done or what I was doing, I couldn’t make him choose me. I was heartbroken, scared, frustrated, and voiced my disappointment to God, just as Elijah did. Why did I have to spend all those years fighting for a man and a marriage that was doomed from the beginning? What was the point? I was weary, exhausted, and wanted to lay down and die. Then God took me into the wilderness. The following conversation God had with Elijah, reminds me of a few God has had with me. And the word of the Lord came to him: “What are you doing here, Elijah?” He replied, “I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.” The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.” Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.”  ~ 1 Kings 19:10-13 NIV  Often times, we expect God to do this huge, dramatic gesture in our lives because He’s God, right? Or we wait for Him to severely punish us for being weak or for questioning why something heart-wrenching happened to us, or for having a pity party. But God meets us right in the middle of where we are. And, I have found, He doesn’t ever shout. He comes in a whisper. Oh, how the quiet presence of my Father is accompanied by this amazing power to take possession of my heart all over again!  How many times have I expected God to chastise me over some impulsive decision I made out of fear or when I dared voice my discouragement to Him and yet, He completely captivates me,

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When He Whispers

2 Comments / Comfort, Encouragement, Harvest, Hope, Relationship / /

Do you ever get a song stuck in your head and, no matter what you do to make it stop, it just plays over and over and over again? That happened to me today. However, this song was different. It was comforting to have it resounding over and over in my head. Perhaps, it was by design. A gentle reminder of where I belong and to Whom I belong. Albert Brumley wrote this song in 1936 so it may be a little out-dated and a little old-fashioned but it still carries so much truth and amazing comfort. And it’s still one of my very favorites. I had an appointment this morning and the only route there took me by a landmark that instantly reminds me of a few of my ex-husband’s life choices. I usually try to avert my eyes to avoid seeing it but, more often than not, the apprehension starts before I even get there. Just as it did this morning. As the landmark started creeping into view, this comforting song came to mind, as if from no where, and began crowding out the apprehension in my heart. The closer I got to the monument representing sorrowful memories of my past, the louder this anthem rang. It was then I realized it didn’t just come from no where. It was by design. Just as He always does, my Faithful and True had gone before me and prepared the way so as I reached the place where grief usually overwhelms me, glory took its place! This world is not my home, I’m just a-passin’ through, My treasures are laid up, Somewhere beyond the blue, The angels beckon me, From heaven’s open door, And I can’t feel at home in this world anymore. Who am I that the Eternal God of the Universe was already there, waiting, just to whisper this song over me, just to ensure I would drive over 50 yards of familiar pavement, without grief engulfing me? Such love I have never known in this life. It relentlessly pursues me. This unconditional, amazing, abundant love of Jesus. It overwhelms me. I am completely undone. Living in this world, we will experience situations that will hurt us. Sometimes, deeply. Whether the pain is caused by a choice of our own making, by the choice of someone else, or even something completely out of our control, in this world, we will have trouble. Jesus even warned us about it. His words are found in John 16:33. “I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace. In the world you have tribulation and distress and suffering, but be courageous [be confident, be undaunted, be filled with joy]; I have overcome the world.” ~ John 16:33 AMP I’ve driven by that landmark in the next town too many times to count and why God chose to whisper to me in that moment, confirmed several things. First and foremost, He very clearly wanted to remind me that this world is not my home and the painful situations that happen to me as I journey here, are temporal. This world belongs to the enemy of my soul, I am a stranger living here for just a brief moment in time, to do the work He’s called me to do, and, when that’s complete, He’ll call me home. I also know He’s preparing me for the next step in this journey and He doesn’t want my past overshadowing my future. He wants me to be courageous as I drive by that particular piece of real estate and know beyond doubt that what He cut from my life, He did because He loves me. He alone knew what would’ve happened had I stayed in that abusive marriage. He alone knew the plans for my future didn’t include a man who didn’t honor nor respect the woman He created me to be. He also knew, the heartache and grief experienced during that time, would be momentary and would not, could not, compare to what He has waiting for me. He whispered all of that into my heart with just seven short lines of a very old song that brought with them not only revelation, but peace and love beyond comprehension. However, that beautiful moment was not the first time God has whispered to me through music. He does it quite often. I’ve been blessed to have been part of quite a few church choirs and on several praise teams so there’s music written on my heart forever. But, I truly believe, the sweetest songs He brings to the forefront of my mind are the older ones I’ve stored away and have either forgotten or haven’t thought of in a very long time. Just like the precious one above. A few months ago, God reminded me of a song I had first sung, sometime back in 1988, at our church in Alaska. I recall the music minister had been encouraging me to be a soloist. I really didn’t think I had a solo-type voice. (I hadn’t sung by myself since 7th grade when, during a choir concert, my voice cracked right in the middle of a one line solo and all the boys on the back row laughed out loud at me. It was one of the most humiliating moments of junior high. From that moment on, I told myself I’d never sing another solo again. But God had different plans.) I told my music minister I would really pray about it and even went as far as to actually drive to the Jesus store (what my kids have always called the christian bookstore) and look for a song to start working on. Long story short, I not only sang that song, I became a regular on the “special music” rotation. All of that, to say this. It’s the songs I sang in church, all those years ago, when my kids were little, that God is giving back to me now. However, they have taken on a very

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The First of Many

4 Comments / Encouragement, Healing, Hope, Peace / /

“Therefore I urge you, brothers and sisters, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies [dedicating all of yourselves, set apart] as a living sacrifice, holy and well-pleasing to God, which is your rational (logical, intelligent) act of worship.  And do not be conformed to this world [any longer with its superficial values and customs], but be transformed and progressively changed [as you mature spiritually] by the renewing of your mind [focusing on Godly values and ethical attitudes], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His plan and purpose for you].” ~ Romans 12:1&2 AMP Have you ever been stuck in a pattern of thought or worry that you knew was not healthy nor productive yet you just couldn’t seem to break free from it? God’s word tells us not to be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of our mind. For a very long time, I didn’t completely understand what that meant and worse yet, had no idea how to do it even if I had understood its meaning. Healing from grief and heartache is a process. Choices are made, whether by us or by others, that effect our lives and ultimately, our minds. The actions of others may hurt or wound us in the moment but in the aftermath, our minds take over. Sometimes we accept denial as a defense mechanism against the pain or, as was my case, believe the lies the enemy plants and then plummet into depression. Either way, we are imprisoned. God tells us to stop imitating the pattern and ideals of this world then choose to allow the Holy Spirit to change our thoughts from the inside out. In other words, stop letting the world dictate how we think and how we act and instead, allow the Holy Spirit to completely reform our thinking with the intent of setting it back on the right path. The path of truth. God’s truth. Oh, how I hunger for more and more of God’s truth in my life! With that being said, the past three years have been filled with many “firsts” for me. Unexpected events that have caught me by surprise. Changes in my personal life, as well as the recent events in the the world, have effected the environment in me and around me. I always love being in my home because it’s my safe place away from the world but it’s the first time I’ve ever been quarantined and confined to it for 3 months straight. It’s the first time I’ve ever been separated from my kids and grandkids, knowing I couldn’t just get in my car and go see them whenever I wanted to. It’s the first time I’ve ever felt panic hang in the air like a fog. It’s the first time I’ve seen people with masks over their face, yet see such fear in their eyes. It’s the first time I’ve flown on an airplane that wasn’t filled to capacity. It’s the first time I’ve attended a wedding celebration where the bride and groom were told they were limited to the number of guests they could invite. It’s the first time I’ve ever experienced the uneasy feeling of realizing how quickly our freedom to choose could be taken away. It’s the first time I’d ever experienced the entire world changing at the same time. And it was isolating. So many firsts. So much change in such a short period of time. I have felt stuck. Stuck in a place out of my control and way out of my comfort zone. So many unknowns. So many questions. With no answers. Have you ever felt that way? The world, as a whole, is stuck. Imprisoned, if you will, and it grieves my heart. The world needs hope. The world needs healing. The world needs Jesus. With everything that’s happening all around us today, it’s growing more and more difficult to keep our minds focused on anything positive or hopeful. The news is so full of contradiction and we can’t believe what is being broadcast over the airwaves or posted on social media. So, what are we to believe? What is the truth? Better yet, where do we go to find the truth? In times past, my initial reaction to something unexpected happening in my life would’ve been to worry first then talk to God but only after realizing that worrying about situations out of my control doesn’t help. But now, whenever I have questions about anything that is happening in this world or in my life, I talk to God about it, first. God has shown me so many things about who He is and how much He cares about the things we care about. I am so thankful He’s never caught off-guard and is never surprised by the events that touch our lives. There’s a very special scripture the Spirit whispers to my heart whenever my mind starts to focus and dwell on things happening around me. It’s found in the New Testament book of Philippians and it says the following. “Finally, believers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable and worthy of respect, whatever is right and confirmed by God’s word, whatever is pure and wholesome, whatever is lovely and brings peace, whatever is admirable and of good repute; if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think continually on these things [center your mind on them, and implant them in your heart].  The things which you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things [in daily life], and the God [who is the source] of peace and well-being will be with you.” ~ Philippians 4:8&9 AMP Such beautiful words that sound easy enough to do, right? However, these beautiful words come with a choice. A condition. A change in our thought pattern. Keep your thoughts continually fixed. That is the choice. We must choose to think on the authentic and real; the honorable and admirable; the beautiful

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Are We There Yet?

Leave a Comment / Encouragement, Healing, Hope / /

Are we there yet? If you’ve traveled with kids, I’m almost sure you’ve heard this question resonating from the back seat! No family vacation would be complete without your kids asking this question at least five or six times! Kids just don’t understand or comprehend that sometimes, it takes awhile to get where you’re going. You can’t just snap your fingers or wiggle your nose and magically be at your destination. I have found this question isn’t just exclusive to kids.  I have lost count of how many times I have asked this very question. Are we there yet, Jesus? We live in a fast paced world. We want faster cars, faster internet, faster results, and even faster food. If we send a text message and a reply isn’t returned within 10 seconds, we’re either sending another text or calling, all the while thinking the worst. It seems we want it all right now and have no patience if now doesn’t happen fast enough. There have been times in my life I’ve been guilty of wanting God to be the same way. I’ve actually made my plans, asked Him to bless them, then basically told Him to get on board with my agenda. I know that sounds crazy but, if we’re honest with ourselves, we all do it. We may not verbalize it but God knows. He sees the intent of our heart. He knows what we’re going to think before we think it. We want to get over the heartache and the pain now. But God has His own time table. He holds eternity in His almighty hands. He has a perfect plan for our lives and He knows just the exact time it needs to happen. “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven…” ~ Ecclesiastes 3:1 ESV He has a much bigger plan than our finite minds can conceive. Even in our frustration and impatience for Him to do something now, He extends His mercy and grace to us because of His incredible, unfathomable love. He sees us. Right in the middle of our mess; right in the middle of all our unanswered questions. I ask You, my Jesus, to forgive my frustration. My impatience; my short sightedness. My inability to see Your precious hand in the middle of my chaos; in the middle of this mess that is going on inside my heart. I am so weak. I only see with human eyes sometimes and not the bigger picture You have planned and should feel in my heart. Sometimes the day to day trials and struggles really weigh on me. And it feels as if evil is winning and that I am all alone in my struggle to process this season. And yet, I know I am not. Your amazing word is full of promises that are in there just for me. But sometimes, I forget that You expect action on my part as well. “You will keep in perfect peace whose mind is fixed on You.” (Isaiah 26:3) I realize my mind hasn’t been fixed so much on You lately as it’s been on my circumstances. This promise comes with a choice. My choice to keep my mind fixed (focused) on You. Forgive me for not making the right choice. From this moment, Jesus, I surrender this season to You…yet again. I may have to do it again until we are on the other side of this pain but I know You are with me each step I take. Even when You have to carry me…like now. Thank You for how You love me! Approve of me and call me Your own. I love how God loves me! Even when I’m whining like a little child! He knows just how to speak to my heart to get my attention and let me know that He’s always there. Whether it’s to bring me a word of comfort or a word of discipline. Are we there yet, Jesus? “My precious Jenny, You don’t understand. Sometimes, it takes awhile to get where we’re going”. —————————————- The above was originally written on August 4, 2019; 2 years and 11 months ago. I’m not really sure why I didn’t publish it at that time. I don’t remember the exact reason. My only guess is I didn’t feel led to. Whatever His reasoning at the time, I trust that now is right. Perhaps He had more to teach me before He allowed me to share it with you. We aren’t privy to the reasons why God wants us to wait for His timing nor do we know the plans He has for our lives. He alone knows them. (Jeremiah 29:11) We sense the direction He wants us to go and, in faith, we step out and trust Him for the next step. Well, that’s the goal anyway. If we’re being honest with ourselves, most of us want to take control and run ahead of God and try to fix things in our own way. I’ll be the first one to raise my hand and say that I am guilty of that very thing. I have tried to control people and situations and have utterly failed at fixing anything. In fact, more often than not, I made more of a mess than had I let God take the lead. And, what’s worse? I always end up in the exact same place I started. I learned some hard lessons that way but I love how God’s word always points me back in the right direction. The truth written on its pages makes me see how I need to let God be in control and that I obediently follow. His word is life and breath to me. But it hasn’t always been this way. The children of Israel wandered around in the wilderness for 40 years because they were too impatient to wait on God’s timing. They wanted to be in control and live according to their own

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