Hope

Getting to the Root

Leave a Comment / Healing, Hope, Revelation / /

I mowed my yard today. Now that Spring is here once again, my weekend chore of mowing the lawn is upon me and let me assure you, it is a chore. I have never enjoyed yard work. Never. I’ve always loved having a beautiful lawn but didn’t realize, until I had my own home, how much work actually goes into maintaining it. The actual grass hasn’t started growing yet. It is still dormant from the winter months. So, what did I spend my time mowing down? Weeds! Weeds in abundance! If a beautiful lawn were judged on how many weeds could be accumulated per square inch of grass, I would’ve won yard of the month! The construction of my home began the end of 2017 and was completed in March of 2018. I’m not sure about other parts of the country but builders in Alabama always use sod for the yards. When the sod was first put down, it was beautiful, and I don’t recall having too much trouble with weeds that first year. There was one small sticker bush on the far side of the lawn. It was pretty small so I just mowed over it and didn’t give it much thought after that. From a distance, the yard looked pretty good. The next weekend, it was time to mow again and, once again, there was that sticker. So, once again, I mowed over it. This scenario went on for the entire summer. When the grass finally went dormant and stopped growing, I was thankful for the break. When Spring of 2019 rolled around, it was back to my weekend chore of mowing the grass. And guess what had popped up through the ground before anything else? Yep! The same sticker bush I’d mowed over and over the Spring before. Only it wasn’t so small anymore. It was twice as big. So, this time instead of just mowing over it and calling it good, I used my weed eater and cut it down before I mowed. I cut it down pretty deep so I wouldn’t have to deal with it every weekend. For the rest of the summer, that sticker never popped back up through the ground. I guess cutting it deep down with the weed eater did the trick. Well, Spring has sprung once again and I knew all last week, if the rain held off over the weekend, I needed to mow. The weeds were getting pretty tall and looked horrible. I woke up to a beautiful blue sky so, after worshipping online with my church family, I went out to make my yard more presentable to the neighborhood. I edged with the weed eater first. I have a small tree in my front yard and knew I’d need to weed eat around the base of it because the lawn mower can’t get close enough. As I was making my way around the base of the tree, I looked over to my left and there was that sticker bush! Not only was it back, it was back with a vengeance! And it had tripled in size! My first thought was to just cut it down again with the weed eater but then I realized my mistake the previous season. I had left the root! I had cut the sticker bush back but I left the root intact! That would not happen this time. I cut away most of the bush with the weed eater to expose the root. I then went to the garage and got my shovel. I dug down deep around that root and cut it out! There is now a hole on the side of my yard but the sticker bush is gone! Later, as I was mowing down the rest of the weeds, the Holy Spirit started speaking to my heart. Just like my yard, my life gets infested with weeds and sticker bushes. The enemy wants nothing more than to see my life disrupted with things that keep me distracted and discouraged. And, just like my yard, when left unattended, those things grow. If I don’t take those disruptions seriously or just hope they’ll go away, they’re sure to come back and, almost always, with a vengeance. That’s what happened in my marriage. When I first started sensing something was wrong, I didn’t want to face it because how would I handle it if it were true? I was afraid to know the truth. The Holy Spirit kept showing me little things that were wrong but I was having a difficult time wrapping my mind around them. When I would approach my former spouse and ask about these things God was revealing, he’d tell me they weren’t true and that I was imagining them. And because my heart wanted to believe him, it did. That went on for about four years. Believing him and accepting that I was just imagining things, made everything seem better, for a little while. But something was most definitely wrong. We didn’t talk much but his resentment towards me seemed to be growing. I didn’t know what I had done to deserve the resentment he projected towards me but it was there. When his affair and second family were finally revealed, it was the most grievous event I’d ever faced. But, even through the pain of it all, I truly thought we’d be able to work it all out then God would miraculously heal our marriage and we’d be better than ever. I was wrong. Just as the sticker bush in my yard had tripled in size, the problems in my marriage had done the same. The only way to fix it for good, and for healing to take place, was to get to the root and cut it out. And that’s exactly what God did. My marriage was like a sticker bush around my heart. It had taken over completely and was well on its way to devouring me. It had taken over with a

Getting to the Root Read More »

For Such a Time as This

Leave a Comment / Encouragement, Hope, Relationship / /

“When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I.” ~ Psalm 61:2 Have you ever been at the top of a mountain and looked out over the valley below? Most views from that vantage point are absolutely breathtaking, aren’t they? When I lived in Alaska, I would marvel at the grandeur of God’s creation. There were beautiful, snow covered mountains all around me. I never grew weary of looking at them. I was in complete awe when I’d think all of that majestic beauty was spoken into existence. God said the words and the mountains appeared. Nothing is impossible for Him. Absolutely nothing. Yet, even as I gazed upon and marveled at those breathtaking views God placed on the earth, my heart was overwhelmed when I realized the mountains weren’t what God considered His greatest creation. Nor did He consider the oceans or the finest detail of the solar system that spins above us as His greatest work. While all of those things are good and shout the magnificence of our amazing God, they still don’t even come close to His greatest creation. And what would that be, you ask? It’s a very easy question to answer. God’s greatest creation is US! You and me! When God created the heavens and the earth, He said it was good. When He created us, He said it was very good. He didn’t use those two words for anything else on earth except for us. We are very good. I’ve been thinking about that for the past few weeks as our world has been turned upside down over an airborne enemy that we cannot see. I have never experienced anything like this before and I would guess, you haven’t either. Our world has come to a stand-still seemingly overnight. I am not downplaying the seriousness of our situation whatsoever. In fact, it’s quite the contrary. What is happening in our world is very serious and we should take every precaution to protect ourselves and those we love. But, now more than ever, we should be turning our eyes heavenward and running to the Rock that is higher than we are. God has an amazing vantage point. He sees us. He sees our situation. He knows what is happening. None of this is a surprise to Him. He knew it would happen before the foundation of the world. He knew you’d be right where you are, at this very moment, caught up in an unknown situation, without a lot of answers. And it’s in moments exactly like this, He is closer to us than ever. I know that may not make logical sense but I know that I know that I know it’s true! I have lived it. It’s my testimony. When my former spouse walked out on me two plus years ago, I had absolutely no idea what I was going to do. Where would I live? Where would I work? How would I pay bills? I was caught up in an unknown situation, without a lot of answers. I had a choice to make. Do I run from God or do I run to God? I am thankful to say I chose the latter. I knew my situation was not a surprise to Him. He knew it would happen before the foundation of the world. Did He want me to be crushed and feel unfathomable grief? I do not believe He did. However, did He allow it to happen so He could show me Who He is and what He could do with a life situation that crushed me to my very soul? That’s an easy answer as well. Yes, He did. I didn’t see it then but I clearly see it now. If He hadn’t allowed all of those events to take place in my life back then, I would not be who I am now. I would not be at peace. I would not be free from abuse. I would not have this amazing ministry I share with my best friend. I would not have you to encourage or to lift up in whatever situation you’re faced with. But, most of all, I wouldn’t know who God truly is and how very much He loves me. He allowed all of that grief and pain to touch my life because He loves me. I didn’t understand that two years ago but I understand it now. God loves us so much that He sent His one and only Son into this crazy, sinful world to become one of us. He was fully God and fully man at the same time. He experienced every single thing we experience in this life yet He was without sin. The writer of Hebrews penned it best this way: “For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”  ~ Hebrews 14:15 & 16 NASB The high priest mentioned in this scripture is Jesus! He is our High Priest. And I am in absolute awe how the second part is phrased. Let us draw near with confidence to God’s throne of grace!  Do you know what that means? It means we can come before God boldly because of what Jesus has done for us. Not boldly in a prideful way but humbly and confidently that He will hear us and listen when we call on Him. Jesus’ sacrificial death and His resurrection 3 days later, enables us to have a personal relationship with God the Father and He wants to hear us. He wants to know we want Him, we need Him, and cannot get through this life without Him! I know I couldn’t. In this time when fear is rampant and we’re facing a situation we

For Such a Time as This Read More »

Hindsight

Leave a Comment / Healing, Hope / /

Hindsight is 20/20. Never before has this phrase been more poignant in my life until now. God has done a mighty healing work in my heart over the past few weeks. While I do not regret my choice to marry a man I barely knew at the age of 19, my eyes have been opened to many things that should have been obvious over the years but were not. Until now. I am beginning to have some of my why’s answered. I asked God why for so long and never received answers. Now I know why. Simply put, I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t strong enough nor healed enough to handle them. So, I surrendered my why to God and left it in His hands. I knew He’d reveal the answers in His time. Since then, I have learned many things and God has allowed more truth to be revealed that go so much deeper than just why. He’s showing me the whole picture, little by little, and it’s all making more sense than ever before. The Holy Spirit has been bringing a scripture to the forefront of my mind for some time now. It’s one I’m sure I heard at every youth conference or youth camp I attended during my teenage years. It must have been an important one to hide in my heart because there seemed to be a lot of emphasis made about it whenever teenagers were gathered together. This scripture is found in the book of 2 Corinthians; chapter 6; verse 14a: “Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers.” These eight, seemingly simple, words are more powerful than I once thought. I cannot tell you how many times this scripture was drilled into my head as a teenager. And, being a teenager, I thought I had this scripture all figured out. Don’t date or marry a non-Christian. Right? Right. Pretty easy. Just don’t do it. Even though this scripture was emphasized over and over and over, no one ever said what to do if the person you’re dating or planning to marry LIES about their relationship with Jesus? What if they say and do all the right things? What if they tell you what they want you to hear because they have a different agenda for pursuing the relationship? What if they pretend and appear to be something they are not and you don’t see it? In hindsight… The reason I never heard that part at any youth gathering I attended is because there’s no way to prepare for it. How do you prepare for someone to lie to you? I certainly didn’t know how. I’m thankful God has a perfect time for everything and doesn’t reveal our entire life to us all at once. The sheer magnitude the myriad of emotion it would create within us would probably be enough to make our heart stop. Or when something negative or painful presented itself, we’d take steps to keep from experiencing it. I know I would be guilty of trying to manipulate the events I didn’t like. And I’m willing to bet, you would be, too. God loves us too much to ever put us into that kind of situation. He knows us so intimately and knows when we’re ready for each event, each season in our life and, if we allow Him, He will be our perfect Guide. However, there have been times I’ve run out ahead of Him, trying to fix things to somehow make situations conform to my will; only to be upset and disappointed even more than I would have been had I chosen to let Him be in the lead in the first place. Has anyone else, besides me, been guilty of that? Are you a planner? I can, most assuredly, answer that question in the affirmative. The calendar I carry in my purse is covered with sticky notes, reminding me to write the reminders written on them onto my calendar! Who else can relate? Did you know that God is a planner, too? He says it very plainly in Jeremiah 29:11… “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.” I’m sure most of you have heard this scripture at some point in your life and I know it’s been the senior quote in more than a few yearbooks. But, I truly wonder how many read the verses following it? Verses 12 & 13 go on to say this. “Then you will call on Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.” I don’t believe verse 11 should ever be quoted without 12 & 13 following it! Without them, you miss the entire meaning. God definitely has a plan but we must call on Him in prayer and, in return, He promises to listen. His plan will be revealed when we seek Him. When we ask Him about His plan for our lives. Somehow I don’t think this means to come up with a plan we like, expect God to comply, and call it good. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve come up with my own agenda then asked God to bless it. And you know what? That method failed every.single.time. We need to seek His heart with all our heart. How can He show us where to go, what to say, who to date, or even who to marry unless we talk to Him about it with a contrite heart and no ulterior motive? God knows the intent of our heart. He knows our motives. We are an open book to Him. And if we come to Him with our own ideas and our own agenda, we’ll end up disappointed every time. Like most little girls, I dreamed about my wedding day. Not only did I dream

Hindsight Read More »

Planted

Leave a Comment / Healing, Hope, Strength / /

It’s dark here. Wait. Where’s here? Where am I? How did I get here? What happened? Where did everyone go? I was just laughing with the kids. The babies! Oh, my goodness! Where are my babies? I can’t see. It’s so dark. Shouldn’t I be cold? I’ve always associated darkness with cold. Not sure why. That’s weird. There’s light somewhere close. I can’t see it and yet, I know it’s there. Am I alone? Is anyone else here? Why won’t someone answer me? Oh, wow! that hurts. Where is that pain coming from? Maybe it’s my legs. Sometimes my legs hurt if I sit too long. But am I sitting? I can’t really tell. It’s uncomfortable here but, at the same time, I’m secure. Protected. I’m held, somehow. How does that make sense? Okay. It’s not my legs and it doesn’t seem to be my arms. I don’t think I’m injured anywhere. I can’t feel any wounds on the outside. No, it’s not external. Definitely not external. But it’s tangible pain so it must be coming from somewhere. It’s deeper. An aching somewhere deep inside me. I don’t recognize it. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this type of pain before. Is it in my mind? Sometimes I have a vivid imagination. Wait! What? What? My heart! It’s my heart? It’s…my…heart! Am I having a heart attack? I need to get help! Now! Oh no! The pain is getting stronger. And what is this tightening around my chest? Why is it so dark? I can’t breathe! Someone, please help me! I don’t want to die here. Alone. In this dark place! Can anyone hear me? Please. Hear me. Wait. Okay. Calm down, you! Listen for a second. Do you hear it? It’s quiet. Strangely, peacefully quiet. Yet I’m very much aware of a sound. How can I be in such a dark place yet sense light? Seemingly alone yet feel held? Feeling pain, acutely aware no amount of medicine will relieve, yet feel a soothing touch? Strangely quiet yet aware of a sound? Okay. I’m dead. I must be dead. Well, maybe. I don’t know what I think anymore! Okay. I don’t think I’ve died. But something has. I don’t feel complete. Something is missing. Wait! Is that a voice? Yes! It’s a voice! Hallelujah! I’m not here in this dark place alone. Hello. Heeelllooo? Who is it? What? Is it really You, Jesus? Are You here? You are? Oh. Thank You for coming to get me. Let’s get out of here. It’s dark and uncomfortable. Not sure how I ended up here. It must be a drea… What? What did You say? He did what? Nooooooooooooooo!! But why? Why would he do that? Wwwwwwwhhhhhhhyyyyyyy? How could he do that to me? He chose another? Has a second family? A second life? He betrayed me? But we’ve been together so long. He’s rejected me? Ohhhhhhh! Everything is becoming painfully clear now. Ohhhhhhh the pain! The pain, Jesus! My heart. It’s not a heart attack. It’s a heart assault!  Why didn’t I see it? I did? Then why didn’t I do something? Say something? Yes. I did. I tried so many times to talk to him. He wouldn’t talk to me. I was afraid it would be true. I felt something years ago but didn’t want to face it. I’ve actually feared it. Yes. I know it. The worst of my fears has come true, what I’ve dreaded most has happened. ~ Job 3:25  From the time we were married, I feared he’d abandon me. Jesus? Why didn’t You stop him? Right. I know that. You never force Your way on anyone. You want to be chosen. I get that. Why is this happening now? What am I going to do? I don’t understand, Jesus. Where am I going to live? Okay. Deep breath, you! Ahhhhhh. A bit better now. Jesus? I’m ever so much older than 19. How can I start over? All by myself? And alone? Oh. I know, Jesus. I’m not alone. Ever. I always have You. Yes, I trust You. Well, I think I do. No. No, wait. I know I do! Yes, I remember You telling me that. It was several years ago. I know. You were preparing me. Even then. You told me I needed to get to the place in my life where I’d be content if it was just us. You and me. We’re at that place now, aren’t we? ((Sigh)) Jesus? Why are we here? Oh, and by the way, where is here? What did You say? I don’t think I heard You quite right. Your shadow? I’m in Your shadow? Oh. Now that clears things up. Not! Yes. That day is etched in my memory forever. And I’d choose You again. You know that, right? Yes. That was a silly question. You know my heart like no other. And, now, I’m in Your shadow. And I’m covered? How? With Your hand. WOW! You picked me up, set me aside, covered me with Your hand, and now I’m resting in Your shadow? I’m what? Planted? Did You say planted? Okay. Don’t mind telling You, Jesus. That’s a little weird. How can I be planted? Yes. I know what David wrote in the first few verses of his first Psalm. I think I can paraphrase it. Blessed (happy) is the man (or woman, in my case) who doesn’t listen to the advice of or follow the example of the wicked or share in the ways of a sinner and doesn’t sit down to rest with those who ridicule; but her delight is in God’s ways and she meditates on His word. She is like a consistent and steady tree, firmly planted by a stream of water, that will produce her fruit when it’s time. Her leaves never wither and whatever she does will come to maturity. ~ Personal Paraphrase of Psalm 1:1-3 So, I’m a tree? Oh, not yet. I’m a seed,

Planted Read More »

Triggered to Praise

Leave a Comment / Encouragement, Healing, Hope / /

It came from out of nowhere. I had an appointment across town so I decided to take a back road to save time. In hindsight, I wish I’d have thought it through a little more carefully. The back road took me into the area I spent 20 years of my life. As I crossed over the highway that led to the home my ex and I built together to retire in, the memories flooding my mind weren’t ones of missing him or even missing that house. The memories overwhelming me were ones of abuse, pain, and heartache. I was triggered. The type of trigger I’m referring to, as defined by Webster’s dictionary, is anything that reminds you of previous trauma. To be triggered is to experience an intense and, usually, negative emotional or physical reaction, such as a panic attack. My reaction was completely unexpected and came out of nowhere. One minute, I was driving along and the next, I could hardly breathe, the road in front of me became blurry as my eyes filled with tears, and all I wanted to do was get away from there. Processing through the hurtful events we’ve experienced is hard and excruciating. Sometimes when memories fill our mind, they certainly don’t take into consideration we might be driving down the Interstate or standing in the checkout line at Wal Mart. I know I’ve had to pull off to the side of the road more than once to get the tears under control and I’ve had more than a few strange looks in the grocery store. Sound familiar? After my divorce was final, I was in a very dark place. I didn’t sleep and I didn’t eat. It was all I could do to get myself through the work day. Dealing with grief and the constant ache in my heart was exhausting. When I crawled into bed each night, I played praise and worship music to calm the unrest in my mind and soothe the ache in my heart…then I’d pray for sleep to find me. I was completely empty and I couldn’t think of anything better to fill up that void than listening to beautiful voices praising Jesus in worship. I had long since lost my own voice. It had been pushed somewhere into the background and it just became easier and easier to not search for it. I don’t know exactly where or even when it happened. Probably somewhere between the contempt and the rejection and the betrayal and the abandonment. In the myriad of emotions that seemingly plagued my brain and my heart every second, my love for singing beautiful worship songs was left behind. Buried under the anguish in the basement of my heart. One evening after work, I got into my car, and completely broke down. It hadn’t been a stressful day but the sheer energy it took to paste a smile on my face for those around me, was too much for the brokenness in my tormented soul. I didn’t think the tears would ever stop. When I was finally able to gain some composure, the still small voice of the Spirit whispered… You need to praise Me. What, Jesus? You must praise Me. Oh, Jesus…how can I offer You praise when I’m such a broken mess? Trust Me, My child. That’s the best time to do it. I didn’t say praise the circumstances. Praise Me in the circumstances. But it hurts so much. I don’t even know if I have it within me anymore. I know it hurts. Please trust Me. Worship Me. Praise Me. My car had suddenly become holy ground. I felt I should’ve removed my shoes and been on my face because, in that moment, the Holy Spirit had completely filled that space. And with His sweet presence, overwhelming peace. Jesus wasn’t put off by my attitude, my brokenness, or the painful mess I was caught up in. He embraced me in the middle of it. Before I left the parking lot, praise was being lifted. At first, I was only listening but the words of worship set to music stirred something deep inside of me. It felt as if the praise that had been trapped for so long in the basement of my heart, started to break through. It had been so long since I’d sung anything but through the lump stuck in my throat and with tears still stinging my eyes, I started to sing… “Your promise still stands, Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness; I’m still in Your hands, This is my confidence, You’ve never failed me yet…” Did lifting those beautiful words change my circumstances? No, they did not but they began to change me. The more I sang, the lighter I felt. The sadness wasn’t as heavy. The pain not as painful. I felt hope well up in my heart. It’s the best I’d felt in a very long time. By the time I pulled into the driveway at the house, I think I may have even smiled. I made a covenant with Jesus that night. I promised Him no matter what I was feeling or what was happening or even if the circumstances didn’t change, I would praise Him! Through the tears. Through the heartache. Through all the things that seemed unfair. I chose to praise Him. The enemy knows our weakness. He cannot read our minds but he’s very observant. He watches us and keeps track of the places in our lives where weakness wins. I’m sure he gets enjoyment out of blindsiding us with a memory, a song, or even a smell to trigger the grief we’re so desperate to be healed from. His goal is to get our eyes off Jesus and onto the pain, the grief, or the situation at hand. He doesn’t want us to praise Jesus. He doesn’t want us turning our eyes to the only One who can comfort our broken hearts or give us hope in the middle of the

Triggered to Praise Read More »

The Letter

2 Comments / Encouragement, Healing, Hope / /

I found a letter. It began with fond memories derived from her childhood dreams of marrying the man God had chosen especially for her. While hopeful that I was about to read a wonderful love story, it suddenly took a very dark turn. After the first paragraph, I realized it had been written by a very distraught, very broken woman. It felt as if I were intruding and yet, being made privy to the private, deep pain of a woman trapped in an abusive relationship, I felt a connection with her. I felt sorry for her. Who was she? Did she truly feel this man was God’s best for her? She had said as much in the first few words. But how? How could she possibly have felt that way? The actions of this man she described clearly portrayed that he did not love her. As I continued reading her lament, my heart was broken. Here was a woman so clearly in love with a man who could, at any moment, cast her aside without a second thought! As if she were nothing more than an obstacle to his happiness and yet, she was willing to forgive him. I sensed her struggle and confusion as she had also written, several times over, she would let him go, if that is what he truly wanted. Even after 33 years of marriage, she was willing to let him go just to make his life easier.  I could feel her agony as she begged him to love her again…if he ever did in the first place. I wanted to wrap my arms around her to somehow bring comfort to a heart that was clearly crushed. What kind of relationship was this? It clearly was not one of mutual love and respect. I cringed as I read her repeated apologies to him for the natural changes that had occurred in her body as she aged, none of which can be controlled. Then for her to volunteer to move into another room in their house just so he doesn’t have to feel uncomfortable when he looks at her? Really? What kind of monster is he? Did he really think she didn’t know how he truly felt? She told of feeling his eyes perusing her body as if he were hoping to find something to judge her for. The letter went on to list her suspicions of his questionable behavior and the stories and excuses that didn’t make sense. The words told of her daily struggle to be everything he desired only to fall short of his ideal every.single.time. She had exhausted every attempt to gain his attention. She told of choosing to knowingly nag him over little things just so he’d acknowledge her existence and engage her in conversation…even if it was negative. What more could she do? Should she do? I wanted to tell her to leave this abusive, controlling man, and run as fast as she could in the opposite direction. But could she? Did she have a safe place she could run? Could she survive on her own? Would anyone help her? Worse yet, would this man even notice if she were gone? Would he even care? This letter was clearly a desperate cry for help. Did he hear her? Who else could she turn to if not the man she had committed her life to? How could she tell anyone else of her suspicions? Could she even prove them? Did she need to? Perhaps she could go to her pastor? Or a trusted friend? Maybe she could find help through one of them. Yet, if she truly felt she could, wouldn’t she have done so already? WHY don’t you see her? You clearly do not know what a rare treasure she is! Oh, Lord Jesus! Please deliver this woman who is so desperate to be loved and validated that she’s willing to stay with this narcissistic man, for the mere crumbs he’s willing to throw at her feet now and then! Then the questions…oh, the unanswered questions that tormented her mind. I could sense her resolve to want answers and yet, at the same time, her fear to actually know them. She told of patiently waiting in anticipation for him to come home from work each night, only to hear his cold and empty excuses for why he was late…again. I could feel her deep disappointment as she wrote of the few times she’d asked him to sit up with her to talk before going to bed…and the only answer received was his deep sigh of frustration and angst for her having the audacity to even make such a suggestion. I am sure she’s felt all these things before now. She’s had to. Hasn’t she? How could she live like this? I imagine she constantly wondered where he was, who he was with, or what excuse he’d come up with next. Has she ever confronted him face to face? Perhaps she was afraid. Perhaps she’s been down that path before. Did she ever tell anyone how he treated her? Could she? Or was she too ashamed? Did she put on a happy face in the morning before she went out to face the world each day? This letter broke my heart. This woman was trapped with no answers to her questions. I’m sure she had many more but perhaps she’d asked them all before. Would they have made a difference anyway? Would she have received truthful answers? Somehow I seriously doubt it. Her words were ones of surrender but I could feel a quiet strength beneath it all. This letter seemed to be her last attempt to reach out to this man she loved before giving up completely. She clearly stated that she could no longer be his doormat nor could she bear his constant unspoken judgement. You may be surprised to learn that I know this woman. In fact, I am very close to her. I know her heart

The Letter Read More »

Untangled Joy

Leave a Comment / Healing, Hope / /

Christmas. It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Peace on earth, good will toward men.* Perhaps for some…but not for all. More-often-than-not, I have found the Christmas season stirs emotion far from a wonderful time, absent of good will towards anything, and completely devoid of peace. While some may put on a happy face and try to pretend everything is fine, deep within their soul, they are grieving a loss, suffering from depression, healing from some type of pain, or dealing with an event that was completely unexpected. For others, Christmas triggers memories that once brought joy but now only remind of betrayal, rejection, and abandonment. Sometimes, the reality of where many are this time of year, gets lost amid tinsel and trees…carols and cocoa…lights and laughter. Living in this fallen world is overwhelming at times. There are those who can only see the tangled mess their lives have become or what is missing and joy and hope elude them. Oh, how I understand this. Have lived this. In the process of this. I get this. As a child, Christmas at my house was something I looked forward to. My daddy was a cabinetmaker by trade and didn’t make lots of money but he and my mom always made sure my siblings and I had one or two very special gifts under the beautifully lit tree. With each passing day on the December calendar, the anticipation of what was under the tree brought excitement and joy. This was the one time in the year we received special gifts from our parents simply because they loved us and wanted to bring us joy. There is one Christmas I remember more than any other. I can’t remember how old I was (maybe 7 or 8) when I received a precious little baby doll. I named her Joy because I was filled with joy from the moment I saw her. Joy came with all the special “baby” accessories that made the gift of her complete. I had everything I needed and spent hours pretending and dreaming of when I’d have babies of my own I knew would bring me even more joy. We moved when I was in high school and somehow Joy was misplaced in all the shuffle. I had planned to save her for my own little girls to play with someday. I looked through every box and even the trash but I didn’t ever find her. I had lost my Joy. As the years passed and I grew older, Christmas was still special but I started to notice that excitement and joy weren’t as prominent in my emotions. That is, until I met him. He was home on leave and we spent ten magical days together during the Christmas season. At that time in my life, he was my dream come true. The 31st day on that December calendar, ended with a marriage proposal, a diamond ring, and plenty of excitement and joy. I felt as if my life had just begun and was only going to get better. During my marriage, God blessed my life with three children and I was overcome with the immense joy I had dreamed of as a child. My heart was overwhelmed with fervent love at each birth because everything was falling into place, just as I dreamed it would. Christmas was always a big deal at our house. The gifts under the tree were excessive, to say the least, but to watch my children’s faces light up at the sight of what they’d received, brought a lot of joy. One memory that will be forever etched into my mind happened every Christmas. Before the days of pre-lit Christmas trees, if you desired lights, you had to purchase them separately. I’ve always marveled at new Christmas lights when taken from the box. They’re securely bound together yet flexible enough to serve the designed purpose, and completely unblemished. But once removed, they have to be pulled and stretched to ensure they’re manageable enough to be wrapped around the tree branches. Most of the time, these new lights would end up strung out all over the floor and completely tangled up. Or, worse yet, one of the lights would loosen during the stretching process or would be missing all together. When that would happen, it meant carefully checking each bulb or the entire strand wouldn’t work. All the lights on the strand had to be connected for them to work as they were designed. However, after what seemed like hours of watching my former spouse fight with them, once each bulb was intact, glowing with light, and in place on the tree, they were beautiful. The living room took on a warm, soft glow that was very peaceful. After Christmas was a different story. Between placement and removal, he’d forgotten how he’d twisted them around the branches and the tangled mess would ensue. Every year he fussed and fought with Christmas tree lights and the memory of that still makes me laugh. He had no patience whatsoever and, eventually, that years lights ended up where all the others had gone before them…either tossed into a box and stored away in the attic or were rejected all together and thrown out. It was just easier to toss them aside or throw them in the trash. He could always get new ones for next years tree. While the memory of those Christmas lights brings laughter, it also brings searing pain. The irony of how my life with him compares to those Christmas lights, shoots an arrow of deep pain into my heart. When our relationship began, I was secure in my life yet knew I could adjust to whatever God had purposed and designed for me, with my heart completely unblemished by the world. I was young, very impressionable, with a desire to make him happy so it didn’t take long before I was pulled in several different directions with my values and convictions being stretched

Untangled Joy Read More »

It Took a Picture

Leave a Comment / Healing, Hope, Revelation / /

It’s said a picture is worth a thousand words. I have found it’s worth much more than that. So. Very. Much. More. As I have been walking through this season of transition, the one thing that has eluded me is closure. I’ve desperately been searching for some way to put the past behind me and move on. Waiting for the moment when God would put a period at the end of this chapter in my story. Waiting for the moment when my heart would finally let go of the man wearing the mask. I know with all my heart that God can do anything. Nothing (no-thing) is beyond His capability. Nothing is impossible for Him. So, why doesn’t He just put the past behind me and allow my search for closure to end? Why doesn’t He put a period at the end of this chapter in my story? Why doesn’t He unlock my heart so I can finally let go of the man wearing the mask? When our hearts are hurting, often times, we think, if God really loved us, He would’ve never allowed it to happen in the first place. Have you ever prayed for what you wanted then waited for God to bless your agenda? I confess, I have. Especially in the beginning. Never in a million years would I have thought that grief causes physical pain. There were so many times I cried out to Jesus to make the pain stop and now, I know why He didn’t and I’m thankful. God loved me enough to allow the pain He knew would be temporary, to rescue me. Even though I didn’t understand what He was doing or even why, I trusted Him. He wants us to trust He is there even when we can’t feel His presence. Even when it feels like He’s not listening. Even when He doesn’t answer as quickly as we think He should. I truly believe this is the most important aspect to whatever season or transition you’re in. God wants us to grasp onto and purpose in our heart to trust Him and never, ever, ever let go. As I sit here, in the quietness of this moment, my thoughts go back to where this season started and how God has brought me to where I am today. It’s all so clear now. So very, very clear. It wasn’t until after the divorce I was made privy to the real man I was married to. He had said he was tired of “pretending” but, at the time he said it, I assumed he meant he was tired of the pretense of living two separate lives. I couldn’t have been more wrong. He was tired of pretending to be the man he let me see. He was tired of pretending to be the Godly man I thought I married. He was tired of pretending he loved me. He was tired of wearing a mask. I’m not a psychologist by any stretch but I do know that to protect an already broken heart or to protect a mind that cannot comprehend what is taking place, we build a protective barrier or a wall, if you will, between our minds and the truth. A defense mechanism. Whether it’s living in denial or rationalizing the situation to our benefit, this wall blocks out truth so we can tell ourselves what we believe to be reality. It’s what I did. I could not wrap my mind around the fact that the man I absolutely loved and adored DID.NOT.LOVE.ME. I could not allow my heart to believe the man who, at one time, preached about Jesus with such passion, was an imposter. I could not allow my heart to believe that he had chosen another. It was more than I could bear. When unexpected grief touches your life, it’s as if your mind goes into overdrive. It’s a struggle to understand what is happening while trying to maintain some sort of normalcy. In an instant, your heart is shattered into a million pieces and while you’re trying to regain some composure, your mind starts setting up defense mechanisms to protect you from what is happening. The very thing you thought would never happen. For months, I have lived in denial about her. The girlfriend. I had seen pictures of her, knew he’d turned his back on everything we had to be with her, and I knew he quit his job and moved to her country to live with her. But even knowing all of that, my mind blocked out the fact that he was with her. My mind could not, would not, accept they were a couple. After all, he was mine for 35 years. Why did he have the right to walk away? Why did he have the right to choose someone else? He’d made a vow; a covenant with me. Why did this happen? Why did he get to be happy and I was miserable? Why didn’t God heal my marriage? Why didn’t God see how much I loved him and needed him in my life? Why didn’t God restore him to his former passionate, preaching self? Why didn’t God stop him from agreeing to the divorce? Why didn’t God answer my prayers the way I needed Him to? Wanted Him to? Why didn’t He relieve the pain that tortured me day and night? I prayed. I cried. I begged. I pleaded. I questioned. God remained silent. I know with all my heart that God can do anything. Nothing is beyond His capability. Nothing is impossible for Him. So, since He can, why didn’t He? A few weeks ago, I learned the answers to the myriad of questions that would not let my mind rest. God revealed something I did not expect. It was so simple. So easy and yet so overwhelming. In my human frailty, my finite mind always tries to put God in a box. Then just when I think I understand His

It Took a Picture Read More »

Nothing Wasted

3 Comments / Encouragement, Hope / /

“For as the rain comes down, and the snow from Heaven, and do not return there, but water the earth and make it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; It shall not return to Me void, but it shall accomplish what I please, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.”    ~ Isaiah 55:10-11 Watering the newly planted grass that was to be my yard, watching the droplets fall to the earth from the hose I held in my hand, I prayed a simple prayer: “Lord, speak.” Through the leafy trees, rays of sunshine spot-lighted kelly-green blades of baby grass peeking through the soil, and I wondered what Jesus might say to me. Continuing my task, I could see trees, grass, earth and blue skies, but I couldn’t ‘hear’ the whispered words my heart longed for. I muttered again: “I need You to say something to me, Lord. This ministry is starting, the train has left the station, and while I believe with every ounce of me that this is my reason for being, I’m afraid I have nothing to say.” I quieted myself and focused on the water droplets spraying from my garden hose for the sole purpose of giving drink to these fledgling seeds. Without it, they wouldn’t survive. The labor of ground preparation and planting would be in vain. I worried and wondered if the seeds would germinate; if a lush green lawn was in my future…or perhaps, a writing ministry I feared I wasn’t qualified for. That’s when His answer came to me (in my own paraphrased way) and was quickly conveyed to my heart: “as the rain comes down and does not return without watering the earth, so My word goes out from My mouth and does not return void but accomplishes ALL for which I sent it.” (Isaiah 55:10-11). And I knew it was His answer to my question. I have been tasked with sharing my experiences with others. Mine has not been an easy life; no one’s is. But if the things I’ve suffered and contended with over the years merely “resolve” without benefiting others from lessons learned, then my suffering is in vain. And that’s where the disconnect has always been. Fear enters the equation (every single time), and it looks something like this… Life happens, something causes uneasiness, which leads to an inexplicable need for me to write, quickly followed by a fear to do so. Fear of a blank page turns into an even greater fear of putting my words on the page; words representative of vulnerable places inside me. This fear results in not writing; not following my calling. Often, I don’t even attempt that which I know God is patiently waiting for me to do. I knew I wanted to be a writer at 12 or 13 years old. By 16, that desire turned to need as a way of expressing myself, processing the world around me and finding my way. Teenaged angst can be a powerful motivator. It certainly was for me. So, I wrote. Like a painter paints and a budding thespian acts, I wrote poetry with abandon. I also spent a fair amount of time outside letting God inspire me through nature. If I were to look back and read my early works (and I have), I would be embarrassed at my immaturity and melodrama. However, if I were to also look beyond the surface, I’d see a young girl who not only placed value on language, but who literally basked in the beauty of the written word. In studying her drafts, I would see attempts at making words leap from the page and embrace in a dance of lyrical prose, and I’d see edits when those words didn’t quite communicate her intention. Fast forward forty years. Life took some left turns; the opposite of right. And while yes, I know that’s a bad pun, it’s also truth. My friend Holly used to say, “when making a life decision between two good things, ask yourself this question: ‘is it merely good…or is it right? Better yet, is one of the choices only cloaked in a mask of goodness?’” I wish I’d known that when I was young. How many wrong choices might have been avoided, and how much heartache saved? That includes my very recent years of intense grief over lost time and lost dreams. Life circumstances…even the most tragic ones…usually and eventually resolve to an extent that is compatible with life. The black hole of loss, the stinging memory of unfortunate words, the deep ache that settles over us when we’re hit with the realization that our own choices play a part in the agony…and worst of all, knowing that the pain of consequences extends to those we love but who share no blame. These things we can usually move beyond, to a place of healing acceptance. But for me, it’s been the sinking realization that precious time has slipped away, imperceptibly, coupled with the knowledge that time itself cannot come back. We don’t control it. A very tough pill to swallow. If there is one good thing about the passage of time, it’s that we can look back and identify where the wrong turns were and when they happened. From that knowledge, perhaps wisdom is gained and that is valuable. Like most of us, I wish I’d known then what I know now. So, what can we do now to step up to the plate and discern whether to take our best swing, or hold up? There are reasons we don’t swing at every pitch. Some pitches are simply bad. But if it’s fear, we shouldn’t let that factor into our strategy. Fear of failure, in and of itself, is never a good enough reason to decline to follow God’s leading. Sometimes fear is good;

Nothing Wasted Read More »

When Your Dream Dies

Leave a Comment / Encouragement, Healing, Hope / /

Have you ever felt stuck? Stuck between what was and what is yet to be? Have you ever had more questions than what are answered? Have you ever had more doubt than trust? More struggles than victories? More loss than gain? Have you ever felt for every step forward, you took three steps back? Have you ever felt healed in some areas yet still grieve in others? While I know I am exactly where God wants me to be, it doesn’t mean the questions don’t come…it doesn’t mean I don’t get discouraged from time to time…and, I’m very thankful, it doesn’t mean He he’s left me to handle all of this on my own. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. God knew, before the beginning of time, I would be exactly where I am. Right at this moment. …feeling stuck… …in the middle… …with all these questions… …with all these doubts… …with all these struggles… …and, at times, feeling loss instead of gain… Is it what God wanted? Perhaps not…yet, it happened. Did He allow it? Yes, I believe He did, with all my heart. Nothing touches my life that isn’t filtered through His hand first. So, this is where I am. This is where I’m stuck. This is where I reside, at least, for the moment. What do you do when the dream you once imagined dies? What do you do when you were absolutely sure you chose the right person to vow your life to, only to be proven wrong in a matter of minutes? What do you do when God reveals the man behind the mask? What do you do when you feel your entire relationship was a lie? What do you do when memories take you back to the person he let you see and not the person he truly is? What do you do when you learn he didn’t love you and only married you to bear his children? What do you do when you can’t wrap your mind around how you were deceived for years? What do you do with regrets that cloud your thoughts and rob you of sleep? What do you do when you can’t remember life before you were his? What do you do when you feel you had no other choice but to put him before all else in your life? Before God? Before your kids? Before your family? Before your friends? What do you do when you feel you have to pick a fight just to get him to notice you? What do you do when you love so deeply yet he turns his back and runs to another? What do you do? Where do you go? My favorite person in the Old Testament is David. David, the young shepherd boy who was anointed to be the King of Israel before he was even big enough to hold up a crown. David, the young shepherd boy who killed a bear and a lion with his bare hands. David, the young shepherd boy who faced a giant and killed him with one stone hurled from the end of his slingshot. Now, you may be thinking that David must have had some kind of super power to be able to accomplish these amazing things. He didn’t. David was human…just like us. He had parents and seven older brothers so I’m quite sure he was picked on throughout his childhood from time to time. I’m sure he fussed and fought with his siblings on more than one occasion. He slept, he ate, he went to school, and he even had a job looking after the sheep. David was a normal guy who just happened to be chosen to rule over God’s people. He was just like us. He had victories and defeats. He made good decisions but also made some bad ones. Just like us. He laughed, he cried, he sang, he yelled, he prayed, he worried, he planned, he plotted, he dreamed, he despaired. Just like us. But there is something deeper about David that makes him special and absolutely endears him to me. David was “a man after God’s own heart”. (1 Samuel 13:14) It was the intent of his heart to live in such a way that honored God. Not a super power. It was just a choice. David was real. David was raw. David knew what to do and where to go, no matter how or what he was feeling. There are 150 psalms recorded in the Bible and David is responsible for writing 75 of them. I am so thankful that his psalms (journal entries, if you will) were included in God’s Word. Here, we are privy to his private emotions. Here, we are privy to the words that overflowed from his heart to God. Whether happy or hurting. Rejoicing or lamenting. “Hear my cry, O God; Listen to my prayer. From the end of the earth I call to You, when my heart is overwhelmed and weak; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I [a rock that is too high to reach without Your help]. For You have been a shelter and a refuge for me; A strong tower against the enemy. Let me dwell in Your tent forever; Let me take refuge in the shelter of Your wings.”  ~ Psalms 61:1-4 (AMP) David knew Who to take his heart-cries to. He called out to his Refuge; his Shelter. He asked God to lift him above the fray going on in his life because he couldn’t do it on his own. David needed God to lift him up. Just like us. When I am overwhelmed with life and have soul-searching, yet heart-wrenching, questions, I, like David, run to my Refuge; I run to my Shelter; I run to the Rock that is higher than I. God is the only One who can lift me above the fray to allow me to see things from His perspective. While I may not understand everything He is

When Your Dream Dies Read More »

We're Grateful You're Here!!

Sign up to receive encouragement in your inbox every time a new writing is posted!!

We don’t spam! Read our privacy policy for more info.