Strength – Reflecting His Heart Ministries

Mistaken Identity ~ Funeral Fire

2 Comments / Healing, Hope, Restoration, Strength / Jennifer / November 16, 2023

I didn’t think it would be that simple. Finding closure. Agonizing over the lack thereof for years only to embrace it with one simple choice. To go back to the exact same place it all started. It’s so amazing how the Holy Spirit orchestrates a myriad of details and then brings them all together as a beautiful symphony of glory and praise to the Father. The good and the bad. The grief and the laughter. The defeats as well as the victories. My finite mind will never be able to comprehend the depth of His love for me nor how He can take one of the most grievous life events and bring beauty from its ashes. It’s just what He does because He is God and He can. Earlier this year, I told my mom I would like to fly out to the Pacific NW to visit her and my step-dad. I hadn’t been there for three years so knew it was time. I didn’t have any definite plans but did tell her I’d look at some dates and let her know. A few weeks later, she called and asked me if I was still coming. The anticipation in her voice was something I couldn’t dismiss as just a simple inquiry. She wanted me to come see her. That’s all it took for me to start looking at airfare and flight itineraries. Long story short, I reserved vacation time off at work, then booked my flight and purchased my tickets. I’m not sure why, but I’m always amazed at how each decision I make somehow corresponds with the next one. I’m finally understanding what it means to walk in the plans God has for me. The ever illusive “you need to find God’s will for your life” from my youth group days has taken on a whole new meaning since I realized when I keep Him at the center of my life and allow Him to be in control, the path I’m to walk opens up before me with very little effort. There’s no stress and no drama. It just works. About a week after I booked my flight, I had an appointment with my trauma counselor. At that time, I was still trying to wrap my mind around the realization that had come to light in our previous session. The enormity of knowing that my ex saw me as a child in need of “training” during our marriage still weighed very heavy on my heart. I didn’t know what to do with it. In the interim between appointments my mental state was foggy. Not knowing which way to turn or what to think, I decided to stay focused on the truth I held in my heart that God had me…no matter what was happening. During our conversation, we started discussing closure. I do not believe in coincidences because God is sovereign and nothing in my life happens by chance. It’s by design. As we talked, she asked me if there was something I could do to find closure. Something tangible to convince my mind it was time to put the painful past behind me and move forward. I thought about it for a moment then said, “Well, I’m going back home in a few weeks….that’s where I met him, we dated, and got married…the church is still there…perhaps going there would help…” I had no idea how going back to the church we were married in would aid in my search for closure, but knew the Holy Spirit would lead me into every detail at the right time. And He did. For the next few weeks, the choice to go back to the church came together. I found a box in my closet with a few wedding photos, birthday cards, notes, etc that I thought I’d long since destroyed but hadn’t. I asked my daughter to get my original wedding set out of her safe so I could take it with me. (I’d given it to her right after the divorce because I wasn’t ready, at that time, to part with it.) When my daughter gave my rings back, my former spouse’s original wedding band was there as well. (I’d had it sized to fit my finger and started wearing it when he made us new rings for our 15th wedding anniversary.) I had forgotten I’d given it to her to keep for me. As I held those rings in my hand, I thought it was just as it should be. Gold circles that were once symbols of a love and covenant that should’ve had no end, were now just hollow reminders of broken vows, betrayal, and abandonment. Having his ring to bury along with mine, brought additional confirmation that the closure I longed for was well within my grasp. Design. The old hymn “Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing” had been on my mind for days and I couldn’t figure out why I kept singing it over and over. There’s a phrase in the second verse that says “Here I raise mine Ebenezer, hither by Thy help I’m come”. There was something about those words that compelled me to know more about them so I started researching it a bit deeper. My search led me to the lyrics and the lyrics, to the Old Testament. Specifically, 1 Samuel 7:7-12. 7 Now when the Philistines heard that the people of Israel had gathered at Mizpah, the lords of the Philistines went up against Israel. And when the people of Israel heard of it, they were afraid of the Philistines. 8 And the people of Israel said to Samuel, “Do not cease to cry out to the LORD our God for us, that He may save us from the hand of the Philistines.” 9 So Samuel took a nursing lamb and offered it as a whole burnt offering to the LORD. And Samuel cried out to the LORD for Israel, and the LORD answered him. 10 As Samuel was offering up the burnt offering, the Philistines drew near to attack Israel. But

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From Head to Heart

2 Comments / Encouragement, Healing, Hope, Strength / Jennifer / April 20, 2022

Have you ever felt sad and didn’t know why? Have uncontrollable tears ever fallen down your cheeks with no warning? In the past few months, this has happened to me a number of times. I was incredibly sad for no apparent reason. I am in a very good place in my life. I have more joy than I ever have before. I’ve just had a good health report from my doctor. My kids and grandkids are all healthy. I have a beautiful home, a wonderful job, an amazing church family, and a car that gets me where I need to go. I am blessed beyond measure and yet, I couldn’t break free from the sadness. About a month ago, I was sitting on the couch with my morning coffee in hand and bible on my lap. I really didn’t know where to start, let alone which book to study. So, I whispered this short prayer, “What am I missing, Jesus?”, and opened my bible. This is the scripture I opened to. “…yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God. For the Lord gives wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding; He stores up sound wisdom for the upright; He is a shield to those who walk in integrity, guarding the paths of justice and watching over the way of His saints. Then you will understand righteousness and justice and equity, every good path; for wisdom will come into your heart and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul.” ~ Proverbs 2:3-10 ESV God is so very faithful. He does not disappoint. He very clearly answered my question. When we seek Him with all of our heart, His word promises we will find Him. (Jeremiah 29:13) He does not disappoint. After reading the scripture above, it was then I realized I had been overcome with sadness for several days before I even stopped to ask Jesus what I was missing. But why? Why did I wait so long to call out to the One who loves me more than anyone else ever could? Why didn’t I think to call on Him immediately? Why did I do that? Why do we do that? I believe there are a few answers to this question. We either think we’re imagining it, will go away on its own, or we get comfortable in our present state. It could even be a combination of all three. When everything seems to be going well, we’re accomplishing things at work, we have money in the bank, and food on the table, for example, Jesus tends to get put on the back burner. He gets shoved into the rest of the fray and I believe pride is the root cause. Pride creeps in so subtly. Most of the time, I don’t think we even realize it has entered in. We may start to notice little things we’ve done that make us feel good about ourselves. “Wow! I did a good job on that!” OR “I wonder if anyone noticed what a good job I did!” We may even start taking some of the credit for it instead of giving the praise back to God for blessing us with the gift or talent in the first place. Truth be told, this has been me as of late. (just being real here) Recently, all of the good things I’d accomplished at work had gone straight to my head. I’ve been processing mortgage loans for about 24 years now. I have learned a lot of different skills that help me with my work but I didn’t learn those skills on my own. God put amazing mentors around me who poured their knowledge into me. God created my mind and gave me a tenacious personality to work at things faithfully until I achieve the needed result but He blessed my life with others who took time to help me along the way. I don’t deserve nor do I warrant any kind of praise for that. He made me who and what I am. I am nothing without Him. However, pride crept in unawares and I didn’t realize it as such until I woke up one day incredibly sad. I knew something wasn’t right. The sadness I was experiencing was all due to me pushing Jesus to the side and thinking I could handle the day-to-day things without Him then taking credit for it. I cannot. I can do nothing without Him. ” I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in Me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in Me, he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this My Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be My disciples.” ~ John 15:5-8 ESV I need Jesus every single second of every single day. Even though my head was telling me all was well and to let it go, my heart was screaming out something entirely different. I had cut myself off from the Vine, I was withering, and my heart knew it. Oh, how I love the precious word of God and how it calls me back to where I need to be! We are to seek after God as if we were seeking for silver or hidden treasure. If those things are valuable enough for ones to seek on earth, how much more should we seek after the LORD who is invaluable??!! He is absolutely priceless! I was moved to tears as I sat there. First, I repented and asked forgiveness

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Planted

Leave a Comment / Healing, Hope, Strength / Jennifer / February 17, 2020

It’s dark here. Wait. Where’s here? Where am I? How did I get here? What happened? Where did everyone go? I was just laughing with the kids. The babies! Oh, my goodness! Where are my babies? I can’t see. It’s so dark. Shouldn’t I be cold? I’ve always associated darkness with cold. Not sure why. That’s weird. There’s light somewhere close. I can’t see it and yet, I know it’s there. Am I alone? Is anyone else here? Why won’t someone answer me? Oh, wow! that hurts. Where is that pain coming from? Maybe it’s my legs. Sometimes my legs hurt if I sit too long. But am I sitting? I can’t really tell. It’s uncomfortable here but, at the same time, I’m secure. Protected. I’m held, somehow. How does that make sense? Okay. It’s not my legs and it doesn’t seem to be my arms. I don’t think I’m injured anywhere. I can’t feel any wounds on the outside. No, it’s not external. Definitely not external. But it’s tangible pain so it must be coming from somewhere. It’s deeper. An aching somewhere deep inside me. I don’t recognize it. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this type of pain before. Is it in my mind? Sometimes I have a vivid imagination. Wait! What? What? My heart! It’s my heart? It’s…my…heart! Am I having a heart attack? I need to get help! Now! Oh no! The pain is getting stronger. And what is this tightening around my chest? Why is it so dark? I can’t breathe! Someone, please help me! I don’t want to die here. Alone. In this dark place! Can anyone hear me? Please. Hear me. Wait. Okay. Calm down, you! Listen for a second. Do you hear it? It’s quiet. Strangely, peacefully quiet. Yet I’m very much aware of a sound. How can I be in such a dark place yet sense light? Seemingly alone yet feel held? Feeling pain, acutely aware no amount of medicine will relieve, yet feel a soothing touch? Strangely quiet yet aware of a sound? Okay. I’m dead. I must be dead. Well, maybe. I don’t know what I think anymore! Okay. I don’t think I’ve died. But something has. I don’t feel complete. Something is missing. Wait! Is that a voice? Yes! It’s a voice! Hallelujah! I’m not here in this dark place alone. Hello. Heeelllooo? Who is it? What? Is it really You, Jesus? Are You here? You are? Oh. Thank You for coming to get me. Let’s get out of here. It’s dark and uncomfortable. Not sure how I ended up here. It must be a drea… What? What did You say? He did what? Nooooooooooooooo!! But why? Why would he do that? Wwwwwwwhhhhhhhyyyyyyy? How could he do that to me? He chose another? Has a second family? A second life? He betrayed me? But we’ve been together so long. He’s rejected me? Ohhhhhhh! Everything is becoming painfully clear now. Ohhhhhhh the pain! The pain, Jesus! My heart. It’s not a heart attack. It’s a heart assault! Why didn’t I see it? I did? Then why didn’t I do something? Say something? Yes. I did. I tried so many times to talk to him. He wouldn’t talk to me. I was afraid it would be true. I felt something years ago but didn’t want to face it. I’ve actually feared it. Yes. I know it. The worst of my fears has come true, what I’ve dreaded most has happened. ~ Job 3:25 From the time we were married, I feared he’d abandon me. Jesus? Why didn’t You stop him? Right. I know that. You never force Your way on anyone. You want to be chosen. I get that. Why is this happening now? What am I going to do? I don’t understand, Jesus. Where am I going to live? Okay. Deep breath, you! Ahhhhhh. A bit better now. Jesus? I’m ever so much older than 19. How can I start over? All by myself? And alone? Oh. I know, Jesus. I’m not alone. Ever. I always have You. Yes, I trust You. Well, I think I do. No. No, wait. I know I do! Yes, I remember You telling me that. It was several years ago. I know. You were preparing me. Even then. You told me I needed to get to the place in my life where I’d be content if it was just us. You and me. We’re at that place now, aren’t we? ((Sigh)) Jesus? Why are we here? Oh, and by the way, where is here? What did You say? I don’t think I heard You quite right. Your shadow? I’m in Your shadow? Oh. Now that clears things up. Not! Yes. That day is etched in my memory forever. And I’d choose You again. You know that, right? Yes. That was a silly question. You know my heart like no other. And, now, I’m in Your shadow. And I’m covered? How? With Your hand. WOW! You picked me up, set me aside, covered me with Your hand, and now I’m resting in Your shadow? I’m what? Planted? Did You say planted? Okay. Don’t mind telling You, Jesus. That’s a little weird. How can I be planted? Yes. I know what David wrote in the first few verses of his first Psalm. I think I can paraphrase it. Blessed (happy) is the man (or woman, in my case) who doesn’t listen to the advice of or follow the example of the wicked or share in the ways of a sinner and doesn’t sit down to rest with those who ridicule; but her delight is in God’s ways and she meditates on His word. She is like a consistent and steady tree, firmly planted by a stream of water, that will produce her fruit when it’s time. Her leaves never wither and whatever she does will come to maturity. ~ Personal Paraphrase of Psalm 1:1-3 So, I’m a tree? Oh, not yet. I’m a seed,

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Strong Foundation

Leave a Comment / Encouragement, Healing, Hope, Peace, Strength / Jennifer / September 1, 2019

Last week was a struggle. The days passed by slowly and it seemed as if everything I put my hand on was either messed up or didn’t go as I had planned. I was happy when 5pm on Friday rolled around because it meant I could go home and hide for 3 days. And hide I have. This little house God has blessed me with is my sanctuary from the world. It is my quiet place from all the chaos beyond it’s walls. I was able to watch it’s construction from the ground up. It was exciting to visit my lot every night after work and see the progress of it all coming together. One such evening, as I pulled up in front, I saw that the foundation had been poured. The sun was going down but I had just enough daylight left to do what I had been planning. I grabbed a black sharpie from my purse and walked to the concrete slab that would be the strength for the walls to come. I started at one of the corners in the back. I knelt down and began writing scripture on the foundation of my new home. I had planned on only writing on the 4 corners but the more I wrote, the more scripture came to mind and I knew it had to be written. After I finished writing the scripture, I prayer walked all around the edges then to the middle where the next seasons of my life would happen. At this time, my divorce had only been final for 15 days and I had no idea what the future held for me. I was venturing out on my own…just me and Jesus. But, you know what? Knowing He was my Guide and He promised to never leave me, I had no fear. I’ve been living in my home for almost 2 years now and every once in awhile, the Spirit reminds me of the scripture written on it’s foundation. My home was built on God’s word. Just as my life should be. I am reminded of a parable Jesus taught in Matthew 7. “Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.” ~ Matthew 7:24-27 ESV There have been times when my faith has faced the rains falling and the floods coming, with fierce winds beating down, as it was this past week. But even in those times, I know Who my Rock is. I know Who I have built my foundation on. I know Who my trust is in. I may have been tossed around a bit but I know the One who upholds me and I will not be down for long nor will I be swept away. I rest in and rely on God’s word to get me through the times when the enemy tries to get me to give up and give in. The fact that the enemy is messing with me in the first place is all the evidence I need to prove that I am on the right path and he doesn’t like it one bit. He knows that I trust Jesus with everything in my life…no matter what it is I’m going through. Jesus is my Strength and the Foundation of my life and anything the enemy can do to shake it, he will. Just as my home has God’s word written on its foundation, His precious word is written on the foundation of my heart. There have been so many times when I have been in the midst of a struggle or a memory from the past has triggered grief and I will hear the still, small voice of my Savior…whispering His word into my soul. He constantly reminds me that I am His and He is mine. He sees from the beginning to the end. He is in the details. No matter if it’s my checkbook that’s in the red or if I’m just having a sad day…He is there with me, right in the middle of everything I face. What about you? What is the foundation of your life built on? Money? Success? Your spouse? Your job? Your gift? I can promise you, all of those things will fail. I have put my faith in every single one of these and every single one, failed me. Every. Single. One. And, yes, I collapsed. Everything I’d ever known was swept away. I wanted to give up. I wanted to run and hide. Jesus knew that I had placed my trust and hope in these perishable things and He knew they’d fail me. He also knew I wanted to give up and run to hide. But it didn’t matter how far I tried to run, I ran into Jesus every single time. That’s how He is. Once you give Him your life, He doesn’t let you go! Oh, how thankful I am for that! For who is God, but the Lord? And who is a rock, except our God? ~ Psalm 18:31 NASB Even the Psalmist knew the only foundation to build our lives on is Jesus! I know, with everything I am and as sure as I’m sitting here, I would not have made it through the trauma and grief of

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He Does It For Me

Leave a Comment / Encouragement, Hope, Strength / Jennifer / July 27, 2019

Life is unpredictable. It can change at any given moment. One minute, you’re going about your day and everything in your world is good. Your family is good. Your job is good. Things could not be better. Then, the unexpected happens. You get a phone call giving you test results you wish you’d never heard. You read an email you wish you’d never read. You see a post on social media you wish you’d never seen. Life as you knew it, up to that point, dramatically changed and so did you. Although we never know what will happen in life at any given moment, there are some things that are steadfast and will never change. There are promises God has given us in His word that will remain. Precious gifts given to encourage and give us hope. Gifts this world, with all of its trials, can never take away. As I sit here, I am reminded of an incident that happened to me a few years ago. It was one of those unexpected things that life brings you once in a while. It was completely random and was not welcoming. My immediate reaction was frustration and anger. However, the Spirit lovingly convicted me of my attitude and gently reminded me that I had a choice to make. I could lash out in anger and possibly make things worse or I could listen and allow Him to give me words that, while getting my point across, would be received a little better. I’m so thankful my choice was to listen to the Spirit because the words He gave me, resulted in a good outcome. I was blessed with some closure that I had been praying about for over a year. Sometimes, there are moments with the Holy Spirit that can only be felt. Moments that happen so deep within your soul, mere words cannot adequately describe the emotion nor the magnitude in which they were received. You may be wondering why a loving God allows grievous and hurtful situations to touch our lives. Whenever I have questions about things I don’t understand, I go to His word. In the book of 2 Corinthians, the Apostle Paul tells of his struggle with something that God allowed to touch his life that he did not find welcoming. He pleaded with God to it take away…yet, it remained. “Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” ~ 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 ESV There have been countless times I’ve asked God to take the pain out of my heart left there by my divorce. There have been countless times I’ve asked Him to let me forget the feelings of rejection and betrayal. There have been countless times I’ve asked Him to remove memories on auto-play that only serve to remind me that he wasn’t the man I knew. And yet, they remain. Although I do not understand God’s ways, I trust Him completely. I have learned in my weakest, most vulnerable moments, I am strong because it is then His power can come through. I am not strong in and of myself but, when I allow His strength and His grace to carry me, I can get through anything…no matter what this life may bring. I don’t know the situations that have touched your life. I don’t know what you’re struggling with at this very moment. I don’t know who or what has caused grief to become part of who you are. But I do know this. I have been where you are. I am where you are. I understand. I get it. And you know what? So does Jesus. He’s been where you are. He understands. He gets it. He’s faithful. He’s constant. He’s a place you can hide. Ask Him to meet you right where you are. Right in the middle of your unpredictable-didn’t-see-it-coming-I-can’t-believe-this-is-happening situation. I promise you. He’ll be there. In the middle of your weakest moment. In the middle of unbearable pain. He’ll give you indescribable peace and His amazing strength will carry you. You want to know how I’m so sure? Because He does it for me.

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Surrounded

Leave a Comment / Encouragement, Hope, Relationship, Strength / Jennifer / January 4, 2019

Have you ever felt surrounded? A few months ago, I listened to a sermon series called Maybe: God. The series centered on how to discern God’s voice from our own thoughts. Usually, after hearing a series of messages that have impacted me as these have, there will be a time of testing. God will allow a situation to come into my life to test me on what I’ve learned. Not to show Him because He already knows but to show me. What continues to amaze me is when the test comes, I don’t even realize it’s a test until I’m right in the middle of it. This time was no different. You’d think I would have figured out the way God works in my life by now but I haven’t. I don’t think I ever will. “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth so are My ways higher than your way and My thoughts than your thoughts.” ~ Isaiah 55:8-9 ESV I absolutely love this scripture! I will never be able to figure out God’s ways or the mystery or the wonder of Him but that is what is so amazing! It’s His overwhelming, unconditional, and everlasting love and the mystery and the wonder of Him that draws me to Him more and more! The more He works in my life and shows me more of who He is, the more I want to know Him and make Him known! A few weeks ago, I was faced with a decision. One that could have potentially impacted others. I really didn’t know what to do because (I have to admit) I was angry over the situation I was being faced with so, of course, I had my own agenda and a plan for what I expected to happen so there was a battle going on in my mind for control. I knew what my flesh wanted to do. My flesh wanted to fix the issue now but then I was quietly reminded of some key points from the sermon series that went on to jog my memory of a few times in the past when I’d made angry and/or impulsive decisions and doing what I thought was best. Those memories didn’t remind me of good times. So, first of all, I asked God to forgive me then decided to talk to Him about it. It didn’t take Him long to share His thoughts with me. He immediately brought a scripture to my mind and it couldn’t have been more on point. Could He have been more clear?! The reference for this verse is found in Exodus 14. The children of Israel had just been set free from 430 years of bondage in Egypt. They had traveled across the desert towards God’s promised land and between them and their promise stood the Red Sea. Added to the stress as they tried to figure out how to cross the massive body of water, Pharaoh and his Army were in hot pursuit of them. They were surrounded. So what did they do? Did they drop to their knees in prayer and call out to their God, who had just set them free from years of bondage? They did not! Instead, they whined and complained to Moses. (Absolutely no judgment here. I am just like them. I’m guilty of whining and complaining when things don’t go my way sometimes. Probably in much the same way I sounded to God when I started whining through my anger.) So what did Moses tell them? “Fear not…stand firm and see the salvation of the LORD, which He will work for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall never see again. The LORD will fight for you…you need only to be silent.” ~ Exodus 14:13-14 ESV Has God ever told you to be silent?! I am so thankful for the directness of this passage and how it leapt off the page in my bible and slapped me in the face! I had absolutely no doubt as to what God wanted me to do. He wanted to me to stop whining and be silent. He knows my anxious, controlling, planning self and He needed to be clear. He’s been here with me a few times in my life and He knows how to get my attention. So, in obedience, I chose to remain silent and take my agenda off the table. No more trying to figure things out on my own. No more expectations of what I thought God should do. You’d think after all the amazing things I’ve seen Him do over the past few years, that I’d have learned by now that He is the One who started this work in me and He will be faithful to complete it (Philippians 1:6). But I’m still human and choose my own way sometimes. So, from that point on, I purposed in my heart to wait on Him and be silent. Which was then followed by such an amazing peace and I knew that whatever happened, He was there, and I was okay. Then I picked up my journal and drew out what I felt the Spirit was speaking into my heart. This poor excuse for a drawing is the culmination of several sermons. Essentially, this depicts me walking into unknown territory with the situations in my life surrounding me on either side. To my right, I have things that come with just living life and, regrettably, some are of my own making. These are the slippery/precarious ones. And to my left, are the events from my past. These are the thorny/painful ones. I am surrounded but God is with me in the middle of it all. I am not an artist by ant stretch but somehow, drawing out the words that were flooding my mind helped me to see the situation from a different perspective.

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