It’s said a picture is worth a thousand words. I have found it’s worth much more than that.
So. Very. Much. More.
As I have been walking through this season of transition, the one thing that has eluded me is closure. I’ve desperately been searching for some way to put the past behind me and move on. Waiting for the moment when God would put a period at the end of this chapter in my story. Waiting for the moment when my heart would finally let go of the man wearing the mask.
I know with all my heart that God can do anything. Nothing (no-thing) is beyond His capability. Nothing is impossible for Him. So, why doesn’t He just put the past behind me and allow my search for closure to end? Why doesn’t He put a period at the end of this chapter in my story? Why doesn’t He unlock my heart so I can finally let go of the man wearing the mask?
When our hearts are hurting, often times, we think, if God really loved us, He would’ve never allowed it to happen in the first place. Have you ever prayed for what you wanted then waited for God to bless your agenda? I confess, I have. Especially in the
beginning. Never in a million years would I have thought that grief causes physical pain. There were so many times I cried out to Jesus to make the pain stop and now, I know why He didn’t and I’m thankful. God loved me enough to allow the pain He knew would be temporary, to rescue me. Even though I didn’t understand what He was doing or even why, I trusted Him.
He wants us to trust He is there even when we can’t feel His presence. Even when it feels like He’s not listening. Even when He doesn’t answer as quickly as we think He should. I truly believe this is the most important aspect to whatever season or transition you’re in. God wants us to grasp onto and purpose in our heart to trust Him and never, ever, ever let go.
As I sit here, in the quietness of this moment, my thoughts go back to where this season started and how God has brought me to where I am today. It’s all so clear now. So very, very clear.
It wasn’t until after the divorce I was made privy to the real man I was married to. He had said he was tired of “pretending” but, at the time he said it, I assumed he meant he was tired of the pretense of living two separate lives.
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
He was tired of pretending to be the man he let me see. He was tired of pretending to be the Godly man I thought I married. He was tired of pretending he loved me. He was tired of wearing a mask.
I’m not a psychologist by any stretch but I do know that to protect an already broken heart or to protect a mind that cannot comprehend what is taking place, we build a protective barrier or a wall, if you will, between our minds and the truth. A defense mechanism. Whether it’s living in denial or rationalizing the situation to our benefit, this wall blocks out truth so we can tell ourselves what we believe to be reality.
It’s what I did.
I could not wrap my mind around the fact that the man I absolutely loved and adored DID.NOT.LOVE.ME. I could not allow my heart to believe the man who, at one time, preached about Jesus with such passion, was an imposter. I could not allow my heart to believe that he had chosen another. It was more than I could bear.
When unexpected grief touches your life, it’s as if your mind goes into overdrive. It’s a struggle to understand what is happening while trying to maintain some sort of normalcy. In an instant, your heart is shattered into a million pieces and while you’re trying to regain some composure, your mind starts setting up defense mechanisms to protect you from what is happening. The very thing you thought would never happen.
For months, I have lived in denial about her. The girlfriend. I had seen pictures of her, knew he’d turned his back on everything we had to be with her, and I knew he quit his job and moved to her country to live with her. But even knowing all of that, my mind blocked out the fact that he was with her. My mind could not, would not, accept they were a couple. After all, he was mine for 35 years. Why did he have the right to walk away? Why did he have the right to choose someone else? He’d made a vow; a covenant with me. Why did this happen? Why did he get to be happy and I was miserable?
Why didn’t God heal my marriage?
Why didn’t God see how much I loved him and needed him in my life?
Why didn’t God restore him to his former passionate, preaching self?
Why didn’t God stop him from agreeing to the divorce?
Why didn’t God answer my prayers the way I needed Him to? Wanted Him to?
Why didn’t He relieve the pain that tortured me day and night?
I prayed. I cried. I begged. I pleaded. I questioned.
God remained silent.
I know with all my heart that God can do anything. Nothing is beyond His capability. Nothing is impossible for Him.
So, since He can, why didn’t He?
A few weeks ago, I learned the answers to the myriad of questions that would not let my mind rest. God revealed something I did not expect. It was so simple. So easy and yet so overwhelming. In my human frailty, my finite mind always tries to put God in a box. Then just when I think I understand His ways, He does something that completely consumes my heart and shows me yet another level of His love and His majesty.
It was a picture.
God used a picture.
Two years to the day my divorce became final, God showed me a picture of them together. It wasn’t until that moment I realized I had never seen a picture of them as a couple. My ex had denied over and over they were together and, since it was something my subconscious mind wanted to believe, it wasn’t hard to accept. Never underestimate the power of suggestion.
It was as if time stood still. My eyes beheld a complete stranger. I did not recognize him. Her presence in the photo sort of faded into the background because, even more importantly than having shown them together, God wanted my focus on him.
He had shown me the man behind the mask.
I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I had never felt such an emotion. God was at work. Something was definitely happening inside my heart. I didn’t understand it but knew I needed to trust whatever He was doing. In my human-ness, I kept waiting for this new emotion to be replaced by my frequent companions, Larry Lonely, Sarah Sadness, and Greta Grief, but they never came. Just calmness and peace that seemed to be growing in my heart.
A few days later, I was reminded me of something I had said in a sermon.
“Sometimes God will use something we see as insignificant to bring revelation to our life.”
I never thought something as simple as a picture would be the catalyst He would use to bring everything into perspective.
When God started me on this journey, I was definitely venturing into unknown territory. The only thing I knew for sure is that He’d be there. I have always been a planner but this was a life altering event with no way to be planned. How do you plan to discover infidelity? Or betrayal? Or pencil in a divorce at 2pm on a Thursday? You can’t. I had no other option. It was faith and trust from that point on. Period.
While I am thankful for yet another revelation on this journey (with both my heart and mind finally in agreement that it’s over), there’s been a revelation within this revelation. I have been looking at this season as just that. A season. An event with a tangible ending. A season that will eventually pass on just like Summer, Winter, Spring, or Fall. It’s like I’ve had this list of events in my mind that had to happen for me to have closure and move on. Subconsciously, I was checking them off one by one as they occurred but then something would trigger a memory and I’d get angry or sad all over again. The ridicule and accusation of the enemy was paramount when this would happen. What was I to do then? Grab the virtual white-out, cover up the check mark, and start over? Just forget about weeks and weeks of healing and growth?
Then the revelation within the revelation came. Calmly and quietly.
This season, this transition, is a marathon. Not a sprint. Yes, it’s a new season. A transition into a new normal. Some of the scenery has changed but I’m still me and I’m still in God’s hand. Being triggered with memories then getting upset and shedding a tear or two, doesn’t negate how far God has brought me. Not in the least. It’s what the enemy wants me to believe but it’s a lie. It’s absolutely not true.
I know now this experience will always be part of me. I’ve been asking God to completely erase the memories of the past. To let me forget all the hurt and the pain. But if He did that, the good memories would be gone as well. The day I surrendered my heart and life to Jesus; the births of my three kids and each of my grandkids. I realized it’s those very events of the past, the good mixed in with the hurt and pain, that have molded me into the person I am today. They both grow together. This process is not something that can be compartmentalized, which is what I’ve been trying to do. It can’t be planned, manipulated, or set according to my timetable. I cannot make assumptions about what God is doing, about what He chooses to reveal, or how He chooses to do it. This journey is what
it is…a journey with Him through life, step by step, moment by moment, after a very devastating and grievous event. It’s always been about that. I just didn’t understand it when it all started. I’ve been searching for closure for months now but perhaps, it’s always been mine. Perhaps closure is something that happens with every tear, with every prayer, with every surrender.
Closure is in the process.
I’ve been waiting for God to give me a sign or a feeling or some huge emotional moment to validate my search so I could say, “Now I have closure!” But it’s not about that. It’s not about that at all. God started the closure process on that horrible day back in 2017 when He shed light on the darkness going on around me. If He were to show me a sign or give me some huge emotional moment, I would trust in that. The method. God doesn’t want me to trust in a method. He wants me to trust Him!
Oh, Thank You, Jesus!
God wants us to trust He has everything under control. To trust He has a perfect time for everything that happens in this life. To trust Him even when He doesn’t answer as we think He should. God loves us with an unconditional, everlasting love that we cannot comprehend nor fathom. When we surrender our heart to Him in complete faith and trust, He will reveal truth and revelation in His perfect time and in His own perfect way that will completely overwhelm us!
God used something I saw as insignificant to reveal truth and show me His perspective on this journey. He used something that was the furthest thing from my mind.
God has shown me that closure isn’t something to seek for. It’s in the process.
God has shown me He’s not in the method. He IS the method.
God has shown me He may use something insignificant to bring revelation to my life.
God has shown me I’m here, in transition, right where He wants me to be.
And all it took…
…was a picture!