I have been reflecting.
Before Tami and I started this online ministry, I had a previous website I started in June of 2015. I had been thinking about having it deleted since I no longer use it and, more importantly, the writings on that site cover the exact time span as the last two and a half years of my marriage. I felt the site had become irrelevant as all the content is from the past and there’s no sense dwelling on what used to be. Especially now that my life is the complete opposite from my existence back then. However, I haven’t had time to pursue that thought any further and I’ve recently learned why.
For the past week or so, I have felt compelled by the Spirit to go back to that previous site and read the content posted there. I really didn’t understand the reason for delving into writings from the past, but I have learned to be obedient without asking questions so I did as He asked. There was definitely a reason for the delay in my hasty thought to erase the past.
As I’ve said many times in the past, I do not believe in coincidence. I believe God is in control of what happens in my life and His timing is perfect. I believe every event that has transpired in my life thus far, is by design. Every single situation He allows to touch my life has been filtered through His loving hand first. And since I believe He’s in control of it, I know He’ll see me through it.
With that being said, I haven’t had the chance to read all of the posts yet but the few I’ve managed to get to, have been very telling. The woman I found myself reading about was constantly worried, an impulsive buyer, used “retail therapy” as a means of coping, an obsessive planner, depressed, anxious, and fearful. Writing after writing told of weak faith, even weaker trust, a bad attitude, and a constant, overwhelming feeling of dread.
As I read, I almost started to feel sorry for the person I used to be but then I realized the reason for the reflection. All those previous posts have shown me how very far God has brought me since those days. I am a completely different person today and it’s all because God allowed and used a heart-wrenching, painful event to show me who He is! The myriad of situations I wrote about, complete with all the traits above, were but a training ground to prepare me for the past four years. What God has done in my heart since 2015, is nothing short of a miracle.
I used to have a serious obsession with purses. It didn’t matter how many I had in my closet, I rationalized each impulsive purchase with the reasoning I could always use a new one. I would go to the mall and not even be thinking about buying a new one and yet, when I’d walk by the department store Michael Kors or Kate Spade handbag section, it was as if I could hear them calling to me. “Buy me! Buy me! Buy me!” Without fail, I’d find myself at the check out counter, handing my credit card over to the sales associate. Once I got home, I immediately switched all the contents from my perfectly good current purse, to the new one. Oh, and it looked so good. I loved the smell of new leather and, most importantly, the way it made me feel. But you know what? After awhile, the new wore off, the smell of the leather grew faint, and it no longer made me feel happy. The new purse I just had to have, had lost its appeal. Then the next time I’d go to the mall, I’d end up at the same department store handbag section, checking out with the next handbag I just couldn’t live without. It was an endless, vicious cycle, and I was trapped in it.
I realize now, I was trapped in that cycle because I was completely empty. I had Jesus, yes, but, at
that time, the priorities I’d set for where He stood in my life were completely out of line. It’s painful to admit but my ex-spouse held the highest priority in my heart during our marriage. He came before anything and anyone, to include Jesus and my children. He was an idol, but that’s a subject for another time. When our relationship started to change and he was spending less time at home and more time traveling, I began to search for something to fill the void his absence left. Instead of running full speed into the arms of Jesus, I ran full speed into the arms of retail therapy and very expensive designer handbags. I looked for each new purchase to somehow, miraculously, fill the void in my heart and heal the deep longing in my soul. They did not. The only thing I received from those impulsive shopping sprees was credit card debt, a closet full of empty handbags, and an even emptier heart.
God created all of us with an empty space that only He can fill; that only He can satisfy. However, He also created us with a free will so it’s up to us to either choose Him to fill that longing or look for other things to take His place. Things of this would are temporal and do not satisfy and yet, worldly pleasures and indulgences seem to be what most are after. To include me. King Solomon described this as “chasing after the wind.” (Ecclesiastes 1). We have an adversary, the devil, who uses every opportunity to distract and lead us away from God. More often than not, it was quite easy for him to distract me with the simple whiff of new leather. He knew my weakness and used it against me.
In John chapter 4, we find the story of Jesus’ encounter with the Samaritan woman at the well. Jesus and His disciples had withdrawn from the city of Judea and were going back into Galilee. It wasn’t necessary for them to pass through Samaria but Jesus knew He needed to go. I love the way the King James Version of God’s Word describes the urgency the Savior felt to pass through that town. “I must needs go through Samaria.” (vs 4) He knew a woman in that town needed His mercy and His grace. Even though Jews had nothing to do with Samaritans, Jesus knew He needed to go anyway. He knew what her heritage was, that she was living a worldly lifestyle, and was in need of forgiveness and a Savior. He met her right in the middle of her greatest need. The thought of that stirs me to my very soul. He sought her out!
As His disciples were in town getting food, Jesus sat down beside the well to rest from His journey. At about Noon, a Samaritan woman came to draw water and Jesus asked her for a drink. The Samaritan woman said to him, “How is it that you, a Jew, ask for a drink from me, a woman of Samaria?” (vs 9)
Jesus said to her, “If you knew the gift of God and who it is who says to you, ‘Give Me a drink,’ you would have asked Him and He would have given you living water.” (vs 10)
The woman said to him, “Sir, you have nothing to draw water with, and the well is deep. Where do you get that living water? (vs 11a)
Here she was, a Samaritan woman, drawing water in the middle of the day, most likely to avoid the other women in town, talking with a Jewish man. But Jesus looked beyond all that and saw right into her heart and knew she had a void that only He could fill.
He said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will thirst again; but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him, will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life.” (vs 13-14)
The story continues with Jesus asking her to call her husband. She told Him she had no husband. Jesus acknowledged she spoke truth as He knew she’d been married five times and the man she was currently living with was not her husband. Since she had not told Him any of these things previously, she perceived Him to be a prophet. The woman said to him, “I know that Messiah is coming (He who is called Christ). When He comes, He will tell us all things.” Jesus said to her, “I who speak to you am He.” (vs 25-26)
The woman left her water jar, ran into town, and began telling everyone she saw that she’d met a Man who told her everything she’d done. Jesus stayed in the town of Samaria for two days and because of the Samaritan woman’s testimony, many others believed His word and received Him as Savior.
The woman at the well looked to several different men to fill the void in her soul. Not one of them could. Then she met the Man who filled her heart and soul with living water! Never again did she thirst after anyone else to satisfy the emptiness because after she met Jesus, she was no longer empty.
How do I know that?
Because Jesus did the same thing for me.
I, too, looked to a man and things in this world to fill an emptiness in my soul. Not one of them could. I had no idea it was necessary for Jesus to rescue me but He did and knew I couldn’t escape on my own. I must needs go rescue My Jenny. Jesus knew I had put a man in His rightful place and had too many designer handbags in my closet. He knew I needed His forgiveness, His mercy, and His grace. He met me right in the middle of my greatest need. He sought me out!
For so many years, I idolized a man. I constantly prayed and asked God to change his heart. My greatest desire was for him to love Jesus and do the work, he’d told me over and over, that God had called him to do. While I am quite sure the Spirit of God actually did convict and stir his heart, because God is absolutely faithful, my ex had to listen, be receptive to His voice, and surrender. There were so many times I thought he actually had but his behavior never changed. Going to the altar to pray then going through the motions as if he had surrendered, was just another part of his game.
As I sit here today, I can very clearly see the reason why my prayers and crying out to God for my ex, seemingly went unanswered. My former spouse was not “willing”. God doesn’t make anyone change. Each one of us is responsible for our own relationship with Jesus or lack thereof.
God very lovingly used the dissolution of my marriage as the catalyst to change my heart! He drew me back into His arms, forgave me for allowing someone else to take His rightful place, restored my relationship with Him, taught me the true meaning of surrender, has increased my faith exponentially, and has made my life completely new! Never again will I thirst after anyone or anything to satisfy an emptiness in my heart because I am no longer empty!
I’ve changed my mind about deleting my other website. The life situations written about there, are where I started. I know now how far I’ve come and how much I’ve grown. And, most important of all, I know Who carried me through it. Nothing I have done has brought me to this place I now reside. It’s all because of God’s amazing grace, His mercy, and His provision. This whole journey started with two words, whispered from a heart in agony, “Yes, Jesus…” He took care of the rest.
If Jesus isn’t the one filling the emptiness in our hearts, we won’t be satisfied. All our efforts will be as “chasing after the wind”. (Ecclesiastes 1)
We have to come to the Well and drink of the water He gives that springs up to eternal life! We have to leave all the other things we’re clinging to behind and let Him be all we need because He is all we need.
Just come as you are.
Come to the Well.
Jesus will fill you with His Living Water.
You will never thirst again.
Satisfaction guaranteed.
