From House to Home

What makes a house a home?

Is it the structure itself or the people who live there? Does it have a white picket fence, an immaculate landscape, and a two-car garage? Does living in a grand, affluent neighborhood factor in? Is there any difference between the two at all?

I started asking myself these questions after the last session I had with my counselor. I didn’t realize it but, apparently, I mention the retirement house I built with my former spouse fairly often during our sessions together. She asked, “What is it about that house, Jennifer?”  I couldn’t answer because, at the time, I simply did not know. Then she asked another question that caught me a little off guard. She asked, “How did you feel on your last day there?” Actually, I’d never given it much thought.

Since then, I have gone back through my journals and found what I’d written about my last day in that house.

1.17.2018

I moved out today. I cried but I sure didn’t expect to. I said goodbye to those two crazy dogs and I cried. I’m not a dog-person but they’ve been part of my life for so long.

It seems strange to realize that I won’t ever go back there and that some other woman may actually sleep in my bed. I feel homeless and like I don’t really belong anywhere but Jesus had no place to lay His head so I count it joy to share in that with Him. Praise God for my kids to take care of me.

I’m exhausted and need sleep…my body, my mind, and my soul are weary. I just need rest, Jesus. Help me find rest in You. Goodnight, my Jesus…help me rest…

I have to admit, I was a bit surprised I’d written so little. You’d think after living there for nine years, it would’ve been a bit harder to leave behind. Perhaps the reality of what was actually happening hadn’t quite sunk into my head or my heart yet. Looking back now, I realize that even though we called it “our retirement home”, it was never really home to me. It was just a house. It was his house. It never really felt like mine. I tried to decorate it so it would reflect a bit of my taste but it never looked right. It always felt empty and cold. It was not inviting nor did it feel comfortable. It was just a house.

When I look at pictures of it now, the word that comes to mind is excess. As you can see in the picture, it’s pretty grand. It looks much bigger than it actually is due to how high it sits off the ground. During construction, we learned there was a huge slope on the lot so it ended up being eight feet off the ground. It’s actually a ranch-style house with a bonus room over the garage. From the outside, it looks like a 5,000 square feet house but the main floor was only like 2,400. Guess looks really can be deceiving. Just like my marriage and my ex-husband. Seems fitting the house was a total deception as well. Perhaps that was part of the hold it had over me.

Everything about my life back then was a deception.

I looked up the definitions for both house and home. The differences are quite telling.

House – a building that serves as living quarters; a building in which something is sheltered or stored.

Home – a familiar or usual setting; congenial environment; relaxed and comfortable; in harmony with surroundings; a place of rest.

A building in which something is sheltered or stored. Those words describe my existence in his house exactly. I was sheltered there, had a roof over my head, and was stored for his (ab)use. He wanted me in the house to wait on him hand and foot while he was actually there but when he was gone, I was stored away, like a broom in a closet or a utensil in a kitchen drawer. I existed there for his comfort and convenience only. He didn’t want a wife. He wanted a servant.

This is my home now. Not grand by any stretch nor perched atop a hill for passersby to oooo and ahhh over but to me, it is my refuge from the world. This is the quiet place God surrounded me in as I healed from heartbreak. The foundation is inscribed with scripture and everything within its walls wreaks with praise to my heavenly Father. He has blessed me beyond measure and I am thankful for every brick, every nail, every baseboard, and every windowsill. There are times I look around and cannot remember exactly how I ended up here. While I very clearly remember going through the events leading up to and after the divorce, the exact details are kind of a blur. The only answer I have is God took care of everything and I moved in four months later.

A few weeks ago, God gave me the answer to my counselors question of why the house on the hill still occupies so many of my thoughts. Just when I think my comfort zone has been stretched to the max, God takes it one stretch further but His timing is always perfect.

It was Sunday morning and I went to church as usual. My Sunday School class was having a luncheon right after church and I am happy to say, I actually wanted to go. That, in and of itself, is a huge sign my heart is healing. I don’t usually venture too far away from my home, especially to a social event, so this was a huge step for me. Anyway, due to some unexpected events, I ended up running late for the luncheon. The church is very near my previous house and the quickest route to the restaurant was to drive down the very highway it is on. I have purposefully avoided that stretch of highway for the past four years. Always taking an alternate route, even if said route took me several miles out of the way.

I did not want to see that house.

As I neared the intersection of the highway, I had a choice to make. Go across it, in the opposite direction, and be really late for the luncheon or turn left, drive by the house, and only be a few minutes late. Before I could even think about it, I was in the left turn lane. Guess God had made my choice an easy one. As I started down the highway, I prayed God would keep me calm and prepare my heart for seeing the house again. As I neared the piece of real estate I had avoided for so long, the first sight that caught my eye was the local gentleman’s club and attached adult bookstore had been turned into a church! I was so happy, I started laughing. I was literally laughing out loud! Just happy, joyful laughter. By this time, I was very near the house and, as I passed by, I glanced up to the hill it stands on and felt absolutely nothing! Nothing! The trees we’d planted for privacy have finally grown up and have become a wall around the entire front of the house! I could see the top of the highest gable but that was about it. It was as if God had hidden it from sight on purpose! Once again, I started laughing. No tears. No triggers. Nothing.

The enemy had me in bondage with fear. He wanted me afraid of seeing that house again and he succeeded for a very long time. But God knew exactly how I was going to react to it. God knew He’d long since healed me enough to handle it but I allowed the enemy to use fear to keep me away from something that no longer had a hold on me, even though I was convinced it did. I’m so thankful God turned my car to the left that day.

Yet another promise from God’s precious word that has come to fruition in my life!

During this journey of healing and renewal with Jesus, there have been many times I felt I’d never get out of the valley I’d been plunged into nor get over the things in my past. One being that house but God has clearly shown me, I have grown beyond it. There have been so many memories to sort through, so many things left behind, so many ups and downs, both emotionally and spiritually. I’m very thankful that for every twist and turn through the valley, Jesus never left me. There were days I longed for the mountaintop, if only for a little while, to get some relief from the pain in my heart. But God is faithful and I have experienced overwhelming peace and restoration even in the deepest of valley’s. It’s why the 23rd Psalm resonates in my heart so deeply.  I never truly understood the meaning of David’s words until I did a study about the behavior of sheep, their character, and how the shepherd so lovingly cares for each and every one. Once I did, the Psalm took on a whole new meaning for me.

Before he was a king, David was a shepherd.

• Sheep are totally defenseless.
• Sheep are prone to wander; to go astray.
• Sheep do not see very well.
• Sheep tend to follow the other sheep without giving it much thought.
• Sheep are stubborn.

I shall not want.

The shepherd is the guardian of the flock. He protects, leads, and guides his sheep. The sheep want for nothing as the shepherd provides for their every need. The sheep never have to worry about where they’ll sleep, what they’ll eat, or what they’ll drink. He holds them when they’re scared and patches their wounds when they get hurt. He defends them against any predator that comes to threaten the flock. He is a constant presence in their lives.

He makes me to lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters.

He restores my soul.

I really love when it rains. Especially at night. I love to hear the noise it makes as it falls onto the roof of my home. Somehow it soothes me knowing God is refreshing and restoring the earth with drops of water from His heaven. It makes everything seem so clean. But, there are times when the rain comes down hard, heavy, and seems to carry a vengeance. Water rushes down mountaintops into the valley’s below and creates a mighty rushing river. Anything within the path of the rushing water gets swept up and washed away. It’s during these storms the shepherd keeps the sheep on top of the mountain to protect them from being swept away. He patiently waits for the rain to subside and the water to be still so he can safely lead his flock back down to the valley below. It is only then they will be safe to eat, drink the still water, and go on to the green pasture to lie down and rest. He loves them. He watches over them. He cares for them. The sheep don’t have to do anything other than listen to their shepherd and follow his voice. He provides for them. They do not want for anything.

He leads me in paths of righteousness, for His name’s sake.

The shepherd carves out a path for the sheep to walk on. The path goes in a circular pattern so, as the sheep walk along, they make a gradual climb (or descent) around the mountain. Walking along the path the shepherd has carved out makes the journey easier on the sheep. The shepherd goes before them to rid the path of rocks and debris to provide them with a well worn route to walk on. As long as the sheep remain on the path, no matter what happens along the way, they are safe because the shepherd is constantly watching them. However, sheep tend to wander. If they step off the path and go into places the shepherd has not planned for them to go, they may find the ground that was under their feet wasn’t so bad after all.

The ground off the Shepherd’s path isn’t too hard to walk on. A few rocks here and there but nothing I can’t handle on my own. Besides, the grass is a little greener here. Surely He won’t mind me enjoying the best this mountain has to offer. He loves me and I think He’d want me to have the very best. I think I’ll graze around here for a little while and get my fill of the sweet, green grass on this side of the path. Oh, this grass is so good. So much better than the place the others are grazing. And that sun feels so good! But it’s making me a little sleepy. {{yawn}} I did get up awfully early this morning. I am a little tired. I think I’ll just lay down here in the warm sunshine for a few minutes then…{{yawn}}…then go back to the others…z…zz…zzz…zzzz… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…zzzzzzzzzz…zzzzz…zzzz…zzz…zz…z…

OH NO! Where am I? It’s so dark and COLD! Ohhhhhh, it’s so cold! I don’t know where I am. Where’s the Shepherd?  And my brothers and sisters? Oh, yeah! I remember now! I stepped off the path and decided to graze over here. What was I thinking? Wait! Did they continue on without me? Do they even know I’m gone? Now what am I going to do? It’s dark and it’s cold. AND I’m lost AND I have no idea where I am. Okay. Okay. Calm down and think a minute. Okay… guess I’ll just stay here and wait for Him to come find me…but wait! It’s so dark! What if He doesn’t find me? Ohhhhhh nnnnnnoooooooo! I’m going to get eaten by some wild animal!! Ohhhhhh, wwwhhhhhyyyyyy did I wander away? The grass wasn’t that great in this field anyway. In fact, I have a stomachache now. I’m sure not very bright. Maybe I’m just too stubborn and think I know what’s best for me. I certainly don’t. Now what am I going to do?  The Shepherd’s path wasn’t always easy but it was safe. Maybe if I cry. That’s it! I’ll just sit here and cry real loud and He’ll come…but who am I kidding? I don’t deserve to be found. He’s probably really mad at me. I let Him down, again. I didn’t do as He said, again. I didn’t listen to Him, again. Besides, He has a lot of other sheep to care for. I’m only one of many. I’m expendable. I’m just a stubborn, dumb ol’ sheep. I give up…{{sniffle…sniffle}}… I’m so sorry I disobeyed and that I didn’t listen and follow…

What’s that? Could it be? Wait! I hear Him!  He’s calling me!! Yes!! He’s calling my name!! He’s coming! He’s coming to get me! My Shepherd! He’s getting closer! I’m safe! Oh, thank you for not forgetting about me! Here He comes now! I’m saved!! Saved from my own choices…again.

Thank you for rescuing me…again.

In Luke 15:4-6, Jesus said, 

“‘What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost, until he finds it? And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing. And when he comes home, he calls together his friends and his neighbors, saying to them, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep that was lost.’”

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil; for You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

I can relate to the little sheep in this story. I was lost like that once, too. There were many times I sat and cried without knowing what to do about the situation I was in. At some point, I had completely wandered off the path my Shepherd had carved out for me. I started listening to a different voice and, subsequently, became convinced I wasn’t seeing the facts clearly and had been blowing things way out of proportion. I had convinced myself I was where I was supposed to be and let myself be lulled to sleep by a manipulative wolf in sheep’s clothing. But, all the while, my Shepherd saw me. He saw I was stored away in a big house, abused, unloved, and unseen by all those on the outside because I kept it to myself. I didn’t realize I was encamped with an enemy. An enemy who did not love my Shepherd and didn’t care how I felt nor how much I suffered. He’d long since stopped loving and caring for me. I was in a life situation I felt compelled to stay in. I was a stubborn sheep, who did not want to see nor admit what my instincts kept screaming were absolutely true. I essentially stuck my head in the sand and followed along without giving it much thought. I was determined to stay in the comfortable, albeit toxic, sheep pen I had made a vow to defend because I felt I had to. I really believed I didn’t have any other choice.

But my Shepherd had a different plan.

It was a beautiful Sunday morning when I heard the voice of my Shepherd call out to me. He had come to rescue me. My ears were no longer attentive to the other voice in my head because I chose to heed its call no longer. I was done. “Yes, I choose You!” I stretched out my arms and my Shepherd reached down, picked me up, along with all the baggage I’d been carrying, and dried my tears. It felt so good to be held in the strong, loving arms of my Shepherd. No longer stored away, abused, and unseen. My Shepherd had been watching the whole time. And He came for me.

For a time, He set me aside and tended to my wounds. It was time for healing and restoration. He allowed me to rest with my children before moving me on. I am so thankful for the few months He allowed me to rest and recover from the sheer velocity of events that transpired within those five short months. My life had drastically changed and He knew I’d need a green pasture to rest in. I wasn’t sure what the future held but I knew Who held it and I wasn’t afraid. I trusted my Shepherd to be in the details and He was.

You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

Once my peaceful place of refuge was ready, He picked me up and placed me in a new, comfortable dwelling, where He is constantly present. He needed me alone so He could help me sort through the lies, the trauma, and the abuse. I spent many sleepless nights, with my head on my Shepherd’s shoulder, as our tears mingled together over what had happened, what was lost, and what might’ve been. He never left me alone.

Now, I am safe, secure, and loved as no one has ever loved me before. He has delivered me and set me free. My cup truly does overflow.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life...

I did not know life could be this sweet, abundant, and without drama this side of heaven. Life is far from perfect and there are still trials, heartache, and healing left to be accomplished but I am content and happy where God has placed me.

...and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

“This world is not my home, I’m just a passin’ through; my treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue; the angels beckon me from heaven’s open door; and I can’t feel at home in this world anymore.”

This has always been one of my favorite songs but, more so than ever before, it’s the longing of my heart. As I have grown older, my heart longs to be with Jesus. But until the time comes for Him to rescue me from this world, I will worship Him, serve Him, and share Him with those around me. I will press on and continue the work He’s called me to do.

“In My Father’s house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also.“

~ The words of Jesus ~ John 14:2-3 NKJV

So, what makes a house a home?

Is it the structure itself or the people who live there? Does it have a white picket fence, an immaculate landscape, and a two-car garage? Does living in a grand, affluent neighborhood factor in? Is there any difference between the two at all?

I know the answer to these questions now.

I would say it’s anywhere my Shepherd leads me because He is my Home.

He is the good Shepherd.

The Shepherd of my heart.

I will follow Him wherever He leads.

From house to home…to Home!

Click here to listen to Shepherd of My Heart ~ Sandi Patti