He was my idol.
In 1975, I was a pre-teen. Every month, I anxiously awaited for the latest issue of Tiger Beat Teen Idol magazine to hit the grocery store magazine rack. Once I held it in my hands, I couldn’t wait to get home so I could pour over its pages and all the teen idols that were photographed in it. In my day, David Cassidy, Donny Osmond and Andy Gibb were the most popular with girls on the verge of becoming teenagers. I read the magazine from cover to cover then carefully tore out the portraits and taped them on my bedroom wall. These guys were perfect in my estimation and became my crushes. However, deep down, I knew I’d never meet them, let alone any one of them ever becoming my Prince Charming. But it was nice to dream about one of them coming for me on a white horse then carry me away to a far away land to live happily ever after.
He was my idol.
For fifteen seasons, American Idol was a popular show on TV. People from all over the country would travel for miles to stand in line for hours to perhaps get a shot at becoming the next pop sensation. Sadly, a lot of those people went home with their dreams crushed. The chances of actually being chosen were slim and yet, there were thousands who reached for that moment of fame. The chance to be someone. The chance to be the next “American Idol”.
He was my idol.
The Old Testament is becoming alive to me. There was a time when I didn’t completely understand it but recently, God has been using the stories contained within its pages to teach me some valuable lessons about life. One such book is Hosea. In the first chapter of this Old Testament book, God tells His prophet, Hosea, to take for his wife a prostitute named Gomer. Although it might seem a little strange for God to tell Hosea to marry this woman of harlotry, He had a specific reason for doing so. The purpose of Hosea’s union with a prostitute was to demonstrate how God’s people were being unfaithful to Him by abandoning Him and worshipping other gods. The Northern Kingdom of Israel had turned their backs on God and were worshipping idols. Hosea warned them time and again of their impending attack and enslavement by the Assyrians if they didn’t repent, turn from their idols, and come back to Jehovah God. The chances of Gomer staying faithful to Hosea were pretty slim. She did eventually go back to her old ways, even though she and Hosea had a life together that included three children. This hurt Hosea very deeply because he loved Gomer. God told Hosea to demonstrate love and grace toward Gomer and buy her back from the man she was with. He was obedient and did as God instructed him to do. Hosea loved Gomer and gave her a second chance as God had instructed him to do.
He was my idol.
So, what exactly is an idol?
Webster defines it this way.
“A representation or symbol of an object of worship; a false god; a false conception”
Simply put, an idol is anything that takes God’s place in our life.
Period.
Six Years, Nine Months, and Twenty-Nine Days Later
The words above were originally written on November 6, 2015. It’s an excerpt from a writing named Idol Excuses posted on my previous website. For the better part of my marriage, my ex was the be all end all of my existence. It’s something I’m certainly not proud of. Not in the least. I always told myself I would never knowingly put anyone or anything before God and yet, my former spouse took precedence over everyone and everything in my life.
For quite some time, I have been hard-pressed to write about this facet of my previous life. I’ve struggled greatly with the direction it needed to go and the purpose for which it would serve. It’s not an easy topic to broach. Reflecting on this particular part of the past brings with it a lot of pain, heartache, and quite honestly, it’s absolutely exhausting. However, as with every past writing, I know sharing my experience will also bring healing and restoration, not only to myself but perhaps to others as well. I always pray my experiences and subsequent lessons learned, will touch others and bring along with them hope and healing.
In May of 2015, I learned my ex had been exchanging emails with some women in Japan. At first, he laughed it off and told me they were just some friends he worked with while we were stationed there. I told him he had no business emailing other women, even if they were “just friends”. He agreed with me and said he wouldn’t do it anymore but from that point on, I was always suspicious of his email activity. He had lied about many things in the past so my radar was definitely engaged. Shortly after that conversation, he became very guarded with his tablet and phone. He was definitely hiding something. I could sense it. However, I didn’t have any evidence to prove it so I started observing him a little more closely.
It wasn’t long after that initial discovery, he made another trip to Japan for his employer. His trips had become more frequent and were a bit longer every time he went. Late one evening, I was sitting in bed scrolling through Facebook when I suddenly felt compelled to check his email. I had only felt this sense of urgency a few times before and I knew exactly Who it had come from. I only remembered one password for his email account, he’d given me years before, and I thought surely if he were hiding something, he’d change it. But he hadn’t. Somehow I believe that even if he had changed it, God would have made the one I remembered work anyway. It sure didn’t take long. After just a a few seconds of scrolling, I found them. Email after email between him and some Japanese woman named Ai.
It started from somewhere deep within. The intense, searing pain. I felt the heat within my body rise then a cold sweat enveloped me. I crawled out of bed and walked towards the bathroom as nausea had joined forces with the cold sweat that wracked my body. Every bit of strength I had was gone. I fell to my knees on the bedroom floor, hands clutched to my chest, as heavy tears fell to the hardwood floor. Then I heard them. The guttural, raspy, raucous words, HE’S CHEATING ON ME, articulated from a place inside me I did not know existed. Anguish wrapped its gnarly fingers around my shattered heart and squeezed. The louder I wailed, the firmer it gripped. Fear embraced my lungs with such force, I could barely breathe. My entire existence and the reason I lived had been stripped away. Stability and trust had long since taken flight. All that remained was brokenness and the enemy rejoiced. My greatest fear had come to pass. The man I loved more than life itself had broken our marriage covenant and I was beyond devastated.
I looked up for just a moment and, through tear filled eyes, I saw them. The beautiful words to our song, etched in vinyl above our bed, now nothing more than a mockery to our one-sided relationship! They had to go!
It was then I looked for something sharp. Not to harm myself but to be rid of them! Those words I’d so carefully applied to the wall to surprise him.
~ The Moody Blues, 1972
When I found the screwdriver, there was only one mission on my mind. I had to get those words off the wall! And so I did.
When I started, I tried to be careful so as not to damage the wall too severely but after several minutes, I didn’t care anymore. The more I tried to be careful, the angrier I became. Had anyone walked in on that moment, they would’ve thought I’d lost my mind. Honestly, I think I probably had. Grief makes you do things you wouldn’t ordinarily think yourself capable of doing. I truly believe I have lived through the meaning of temporary insanity. I had never felt such raw, gut-wrenching emotion in my life. I gouged out every single word of that song from the wall, along with a great deal of sheetrock.
With my mission accomplished, I slumped onto my bed, now covered with sheetrock dust and sticky vinyl letters. I do not remember how long I laid there. The sobs had long since subsided. I was exhausted and numb.
So, what next?
I called him.
When he answered, his voice was just above a whisper, which seemed odd but I didn’t care. I told him of my discovery and, in return, he said he had been in a car accident, was in a Japanese hospital, and couldn’t talk to me because it would “be rude” to those around him! He told me he would call me later and hung up. He didn’t even acknowledge what I’d told him.
The fact that he blew me off and hung up speaks volumes of where our relationship was headed and, yet, even though my heart was shattered, I then worried about the “car accident” and if he were okay. Somehow the narrative shifted and thoughts of his betrayal had taken a backseat and all my mind focused on was his well-being! He was always able to manipulate any situation to take the focus off himself then somehow twist it and blame it on me. I called to confront him about the emails he’d exchanged with the Japanese woman and he manipulated the whole thing and made me feel guilty for confronting him in the first place! I actually felt bad for calling him!
That was just one incident but there were others. Many others. I lived like that for over three decades. Manipulated, gaslighted, diminished, and disregarded.
Abused.
And I didn’t see it.
He did call me back sometime later. I cannot remember now if it was that same night or the next day. He did admit to the emails. How could he not? I had the evidence to prove it and he knew it. But, once again, being the manipulative liar he is, he convinced me it was “never physical; only emotional.” He said he was “feeling down” and “needed someone to talk to”. He turned on the tears and apologized profusely. Although I accepted his explanation and his “apology”, deep down, I knew there was more to the story. The words and photos exchanged in those emails were far too intimate to only be “emotional”. They screamed of infidelity and yet, I chose to believe him.
As I reflect back on that grievous night in my room, the words to that song above the bed have never been more telling. The shutters had been opened, the doors unlocked, the cobwebs brushed away, the secrets revealed. How ironic is it that the title of that song is The Land of Make-Believe?
I’ve never shared that story with anyone before. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was the beginning of the end of my marriage. I didn’t know it then but God had broken down a huge wall I’d built around my heart. My ex was definitely a false conception and he definitely came before all else. He was the priority of my life. By the definition above, he was an idol. Even though he became such by way of a defense mechanism used to protect my heart and mind, he still took God’s place. Fear put him there. But God had His hand on me. His plan had been set in motion. God had exposed my ex’s true nature and even though I was still in denial, he no longer had top priority in my heart. The pedestal I had him on was rent in two and he would never regain such place again.
A Second Chance
Once I asked Jesus to forgive me and He was back in His rightful place as priority in my otherwise shattered heart, I moved on. However, the relationship with my former spouse was never the same after that confrontation. I’m not quite sure how he managed it but he let me know I was not allowed to question his whereabouts, who he talked to, why he did things as he did, where and why he traveled so much, etc, etc. And all of it without a single word being said. He never spoke those things aloud but it was all very much implied. I just knew. I was very guarded, walked on egg shells, and lived in fear of what I’d learn next. I knew it would come. It was only a matter of time.
After he arrived home from the aforementioned trip to Japan, my ex acted like my discovery was no big deal. He took it upon himself to inform our three children of his “indiscretion”.
One morning as he passed me in the hallway, he, rather nonchalantly, mentioned he thought the kids “needed to know” about my discovery but I was completely opposed to the idea. Why did they need to know? I told him it was something he and I needed to work out together, with a counselor, and leave them out of it. I knew they would not take it well.
It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon and my daughters had brought the grand babies over. We were outside enjoying the cooler temperatures when, in total narcissistic fashion, he stopped the conversation and made his announcement. “Oh, by the way…blah, blah, blah…” No emotion. No remorse. This is what happened. No big deal. We’re driving on. That’s it. I was aghast and absolutely speechless. You’d think I’d have been used to him blurting out personal information at this point but it caught me completely off-guard. I felt the very breath sucked out of me and all I could do was drop my head. There were no words. The kids were completely stunned and were speechless as well. He then went back to whatever it was he’d been doing and the kids and I just sat there in silence, totally devastated.
I don’t remember what happened the rest of the day.
The next two years were rocky. He agreed to go to marriage counseling but after only one session, he quit. He said he didn’t want to keep reliving the past, we just needed to forget it, and move on. Perhaps he could do that but I could not. I continued to go. But after a few more sessions on my own, I ended up quitting as well. What good would it have done for only one of us to work on our relationship? Why didn’t I see the red flag waiving violently in my face? I just kept hearing…“divorce is not an option for you…you must work it out…you have nowhere to go…he said he was sorry…get over it already!”
Once marriage counseling failed, all I knew to do was keep trying to make him happy and not ask questions. And that I did. I tried. But nothing I tried was ever good enough. No matter what I did, all I received in return was criticism or how I could’ve done it better. Even though all my efforts seemed to be in vain, I continued to try. My gut was telling me something was very wrong but I couldn’t admit it nor could I prove it. Divorce never crossed my mind. I had to keep trying to fix it. To fix us. So, I put on a brave face, all the while living a complete lie, but I didn’t let it show on the outside. From all appearances, I was desperately happy without a care in the world.
Realizing the Truth
Sometimes it feels as if my former life happened a million years ago and at others, it feels as if it were just yesterday when truth was revealed and I began this journey into the unknown with Jesus. As I have gone back and read previous writings from that time in my life, I know it was I who typed each and every word and yet, it was as if I were reading the words of a complete stranger. As if I were reading someone else’s story.
But it’s mine.
It’s my story.
I’m not sure if it was by God’s grace He kept me blinded to all of it until it was time to reveal the truth or if my mind didn’t want to believe what I was living in and blocked it out completely. Perhaps it was a bit of both. Whatever it was, I can assure you, God never left me alone. He carried my through every minute of every day.
The remainder of the writing above went on and on and made excuse after excuse for my ex-husband’s behavior. My heart ached as I reread each word. I took the blame for everything. His lies. His infidelity. His nonchalant demeanor and attitude. I had characterized his narcissistic behavior as a “character flaw”. Really? Grant it, at the time, I had no idea what a narcissist was but character flaw doesn’t even come close to what it actually is. The words I’d written were ones of such remorse, it was as if I felt sorry for him. I was living in the throes of narcissistic abuse, being mentally destroyed every single day, and I didn’t even know it. I blamed myself and felt shame for his life choices. Putting him before all else happened very gradually. It was so subtle, I didn’t realize it was happening. I had been belittled, diminished, and minimized over the course of many years and felt I had no other choice than to keep him as my priority. I don’t ever remember making a conscious choice to put him there but there he was, just the same. I was afraid of what would happen should I not. All he had to do was look at me a certain way or sigh very deeply in my direction. His mannerisms spoke volumes and I knew what each one meant.
I remember one time he was out in the back yard mowing the grass and I needed to tell him something. As I approached him, indicating I needed to talk with him, he didn’t even turn off the lawn mower. He just sat on it looking at me as if how dare I interrupt his mowing! When I didn’t move from the spot I was standing, he raised his hands in the air in total frustration and turned the key on the mower. The silence was deafening. I said not a single word. Just stared at him for a minute, turned, and walked right back into the house. I ended up in the bathroom in tears. Tears that were becoming all too common. I had done nothing more than want to tell him something and I was diminished and dismissed in one fell swoop. Later that day, he did apologize for his actions and, once again, I accepted it.
This pattern soon became the norm of my existence.
The excerpt below is the remainder of the writing I started with. I hadn’t planned on sharing it but now feel the need to.
Abused, Broken, and Deceived
November 6, 2015 ~
God had to get me completely alone to show me that BJ had taken His place in my heart. Out of the past two years, we’ve only spent about 5 months together (and not in a row). During that time alone, God showed me that my husband wasn’t perfect and he definitely had faults. I had BJ high up on a pedestal and I thought he could do no wrong. Oh, I’d seen him make mistakes over the past 32 years, even caught him in a few lies, but I always dismissed them and always found a way to blame someone else or even myself for his choices. There was a huge part of me that never wanted to see or even admit that he could ever make a choice that would hurt me. After all, he was my Knight in Shining Armor. My Prince Charming. Well, all that came crashing down when God allowed me to see his humanness and it crushed me to my very core. God opened my eyes to some character flaws I had been completely blinded to. God had to show me how big of an idol BJ had become to me. God will take second place to no one. Not even your spouse. It wasn’t BJ’s fault that I had placed him up on that pedestal. It was all my own doing. I was never meant to carry the burden of BJ’s choices, take the blame for them, or be the liaison between him and God. Yet, somehow, I was trying to do just that. Always making excuses for him to myself and even to God. The things that God has shown me about my love were to wake me up to the fact that BJ’s walk with God is just that. BJ’s. It’s between him and God. God will deal with BJ in His own time and in His own way. However, in the mean time, my husband is now in the place where he should’ve been all along. Second only to my Savior.
I know all too well that God is a jealous God and He will not allow His children to walk in defiance to His word. He gave me several opportunities to see what I was doing and change my priority but I either didn’t see it or more than likely, perhaps, didn’t want to. I tend to be a bit stubborn and don’t like to deviate from the plan I have set for myself. I get comfortable and like to stay put. However, as God’s child, He has the right to interrupt my life whenever He wants to. To get me out of my comfort zone, He had to make me uncomfortable and He used the closest person to my heart to do it. Just as God used Gomer to break Hosea’s heart so he’d understand God’s grief over His people’s choice of idols, God used BJ to break mine to show me that He was grieved by my choice of putting BJ on the throne of my heart.
The words above were penned by a very confused, a very deceived, and very abused woman. I was in such a broken and dark place at that time. What makes it worse is I thought I was happy! I thought my marriage relationship was completely normal. Reading back over those previous words, it is blatantly obvious that I was being abused but I certainly didn’t see it. It’s absolutely heart-breaking.
While some of the above is absolute truth, the majority of it was based on scripture taken totally out of context. I am not to be someone else’s Holy Spirit. That is truth. Every person is accountable for their own relationship with Jesus or lack thereof. However, Almighty, Omniscient, Omnipotent God did not see an opportunity to take advantage of my ex’s choice of infidelity to get my attention. That is not His nature. What I wrote above makes it sound like God allowed my ex to cheat for the sole purpose of letting me know He was grieved by my choice of making him an idol. That is not so. My ex-husband made his own conscious choices to cheat on me. I just want to be clear that God did not make him do it. We all make choices of our own free will. Also, when it comes to convicting His children of sin, the Holy Spirit needs no ones help! God exposed my ex’s sin because that’s what happens when sin is covered up. Eventually, it gets exposed. God’s word does not return void. (Isaiah 55:10-11) In the process of learning the truth about his infidelity, it also revealed truth to my own heart that I’d made an idol of him out of fear.
“Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. Therefore, whatever you have said in the dark shall be heard in the light, and what you have whispered in private rooms shall be proclaimed on the housetops.”
~ The words of Jesus to His disciples – Luke 12:3-3 ESV
As for the Hosea and Gomer reference, yes, God did instruct his prophet to marry a prostitute. God did want Hosea to understand the children of Israel’s choice to worship idols was likened to one of betrayal and infidelity. (Hosea 1). But I had taken a story from the Old Testament and used it completely out of context. I had rationalized it and convinced myself it was about me. The story in Hosea is exactly what it is. Hosea’s story. It has nothing to do with me. I can certainly gain wisdom for my life through stories in the Old Testament but God didn’t fashion my life after that of an old testament story then use my ex to bring conviction. I will say this again. God needs no ones help. The Holy Spirit has an amazing way of convicting His children of sin all by Himself.
So, why did I believe my story was likened to that of an old testament prophet and his wife?
I truly believe the enemy saw my fragile state of mind and used God’s word against me. Although he couldn’t have foreseen I would believe his manipulative way of twisting God’s word for his own gain, I’m sure he was happy when I did. He loves to bring distraction and do anything he can to get us to take our eyes off Jesus. He’ll stop at nothing to get us to doubt so we focus on the issue itself and not on the One who has the answer.
To know I was used by the enemy of my soul is something I completely expect of him. The bible says he is “more crafty than any other beast of the field the LORD God had made” (Genesis 3:1) and “he prowls around like a roaring lion seeking someone to devour” (1Peter 5:8-9). His tactics haven’t changed. Why should they? He’s been using the same ones very successfully over the entire course of time.
However, to be used by an enemy in my home, that I did not expect.
My former spouse had me pegged from the second he met me on October 10, 1982. He saw a naive nineteen-year-old young woman and took advantage of it. Perhaps I just didn’t see it at first. Since I was so naive and hadn’t had much contact with the ways of the world, I had no idea I needed to be careful and wary of anyone who might try to take advantage of me. Besides, he was my pastor’s son, he’d introduced us, and I trusted his judgement. Even as the years went on, I just assumed every marriage was like ours. Didn’t every wife live in submission to her husband? I really had nothing to compare it to. As a kid living at home, I never saw the day to day encounters between my parents or my grandparents. If they ever had arguments, I was not privy to them as they were never out in the open. As the years of my marriage went by, our life together seemed normal to me but, then again, it was all I’d ever known.
It wasn’t until several months after the divorce, I started asking myself questions about his behavior. The events that had transpired over the last few years of our marriage did not make sense. I started recalling aspects of his character and demeanor that seemed contradictory. One minute, he’d be so sweet and loving and the next, be telling me I looked liked I’d gained five pant sizes since he’d been gone. (True story. Exact words from his lips to my ears.) One day, I started googling different words and phrases about what I’d experienced at his hand and the term narcissist kept presenting itself. After that, I started digging deeper to learn all I could about it. I tried over and over to convince myself that I’d imagined all the things I went through or that I’d made it all up in my own mind. That could not be further from the truth.
(In the name of full disclosure, I want to go on record and say that I am not a doctor nor am I a psychologist or a psychiatrist. I do not claim to be any of those professions whatsoever. My ex has not ever been diagnosed with this personality disorder (nor would he ever submit to being tested) but from all the research I have done on my own and from many, many hours of counseling sessions over the years, with licensed professionals, my ex-husband is textbook. The more truth I learn about the past, the more sense it makes, and the more convinced I become.)
As I read over the list of traits, symptoms, and even scenarios I found, I was absolutely stunned! It was as if someone had been reading my journals or had placed a hidden camera in my house! Everything I read matched my life, way down to the tiniest detail! I could put myself into every single story and scenario. For the first time in my adult life, I realized I wasn’t crazy and all the things I had been through really did happen. I didn’t just make them up on my own or dream about them then decide they were reality. It was absolutely freeing and absolutely terrifying at the same time.
I was very much surprised to learn I wasn’t alone either. I was isolated from the outside world, for the most part, so I had no idea there were others who were going through or had gone through the very same things I had. I was also surprised to learn what I had lived with and lived through was abuse. When I thought of abuse, I always pictured it as being physical. Not mental or emotional. Once I realized what had happened to me and the effects narcissistic abuse and trauma have on the mind and body, everything finally made sense. I knew my next step was to learn how to heal from it.
So, I started looking for help. I had figured out the what and the why but I needed to know the how. How in the world do I even start to recover from this kind of abuse? First of all, I spent a lot of time in prayer and reading God’s word. I knew I’d never get through any kind of recovery program or counseling session without the help of my Savior. He is the creator of my heart and He knew first hand what I’d been through. I needed Him more than anything else. Then I started searching for websites of those who had experienced narcissistic abuse first hand and started following them. After that, I started one on one, fact to face, counseling. I found an amazing Christian counselor who has helped me sort through the tangled mess in my mind. I see her once a month because I still deal with the after-effects all the time. Just when I think I’m good to go, I’ll remember something else I went through and the detangling starts all over again.
I’ve come a long way since those pre-teen days and Tiger Beat Teen Idol magazine. The guys pictured in those magazines are just images of what the world portrays as “the perfect man”. The perfect man (or woman) does not exist. Neither do fairy tales. I was married very young, very naive, and very fast. But I do not believe my marriage was a mistake. God created all of us with a free will. We are free to make life-choices all on our own. At the time I married my former spouse, I believed beyond any doubt he was the man I was supposed to marry. I also believe it was not in God’s plan for us to get divorced. But that’s where free will comes in to play. My ex made choices that destroyed our marriage relationship and he was not willing to go to counseling and work them out. I admit I made mistakes as well and some of the choices made did not help our situation any. The only difference is, I admitted to my wrong-doing in our marriage. I owned up to all the decisions I made that did not aid in reconciliation. He, however, did not. I realize now, he is not capable of admitting any wrong doing simply because he doesn’t think he was wrong in anything he did. Narcissists are incapable of admitting fault. This I have learned full-well.
As for me, I continue to move forward. I wake up each morning with a prayer of thanksgiving in my heart. I am only where I am right now because of the grace and mercy of my Savior. He rescued me from a toxic marriage and an abusive man and for that, I am very grateful. Even though there are still tears that fall at times, due to a trigger or when reminded of a painful memory, my life is very fulfilled and I am content.
I have a lightness in my heart now that I’ve never felt before. I was abused but I survived and I know God’s wastes nothing. He makes “all things work together for good” (Romans 8:28) and He gives “beauty for ashes” (Isaiah 61:3) I will share my story with anyone and everyone who cares to hear it. But there’s no glory here. I would have given up a long time ago had it not been for Jesus. The only choice I made was to continue to run hard and fast into His arms and trust Him with my life. He has done the rest.
My heart was grieved over the spiritual condition of my former spouse for a very long time but no more. I prayed for and encouraged him the entire time we were together and while there were temporary changes from time to time, it never lasted for more than a few weeks at best. He has made despicable life-choices and even if he has regrets, I don’t believe he will admit to them nor will he ever voice them. His only hope is to repent and cry out to a Holy God to save him. I can honestly say I have forgiven him and now leave him in God’s hands. To not forgive him and let go, is to allow him to continue to have control over me and that I will not do.
I look forward to whatever God has ahead for me. And even if His future plans consist of nothing more than where I am, with what I have right now, that is enough. He is enough and I am blessed.
The links below are to the websites I found when I was researching narcissism. They were (and are) a tremendous help to me. If you need help with understanding narcissism, these websites are a good place to start.
https://www.facebook.com/MsJenGriceAuthor
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC6-55r-MiZWke9jZy3-mkyQ
https://www.facebook.com/KimSaeedOfficial
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCPnGGpVYOYFm6Jmy4RJyDIg
https://www.carolinestrawson.com/