His Desires (My Heart)

This is going to take time.

I knew it wouldn’t be an easy road to walk and even expected a few set-backs, as there always are when you’re in the healing process.

What I didn’t expect was how quickly it happened.

Before I knew it, my mind returned to the place is was comfortable for so many years.

One random conversation and I was back in that place of agreement; that place of acquiescence; that place of submission to whatever was said to protect myself from confrontation.

It scared me.

I don’t want to go back there.

But my mind did.

Automatically.

As if someone had flipped a switch.

The transition was flawless.

Right back to the same old pattern; right back to the same old response.

It was then I realized I have more healing ahead and probably more heart wrenching realizations as well.

When I was in elementary school, grammar and punctuation were integral parts of learning the English language. While I have retained the know-how of using both of these without issue, reciting the exact rules that govern each one have long since left the building. (I’m thankful to have a daughter who just so happens to be an English major and helps me whenever I forget the finer points of the only language I know how to speak.)

One part of punctuation that has always intrigued me are the parentheses. Two side-ways smiles that encompass an added thought, word, or phrase. Perhaps the word or phrase isn’t a huge part of the overall storyline but the author felt it important enough to include to give the reader another detail or even just a side-note of interest.

The Almighty Author of my life story has added a parentheses to this chapter of the manuscript. It may not be a huge part of my overall storyline but it’s important to include so I don’t get caught up in another cycle of abuse.

If you have followed this ministry for any length of time, you are well versed on my story. Up until five years ago, I was in a marital relationship that was filled with abuse, deception, and manipulation. It wasn’t pretty. It was a desperate way to live and my mind has suffered greatly due to the influence of those things. However, while in the midst of it, I didn’t see it as abuse. I thought everyone’s marriage was as mine was.

I couldn’t have been more deceived.

I was raised with the belief that the man was the head of the home, the Spiritual leader and, as any good Christian wife, I was to submit and allow him to lead and help me grow in my relationship with Jesus, as well as with him. I not only believed it, I wanted it. I actually welcomed it. I wanted a godly man, strong in his faith, to study the bible and pray with. I wanted him to be the leader of our home and our family. I knew if I married such a man, the submission part would come naturally because I’d be secure in his leadership and trust he was being Spirit led through personal bible study and prayer.

I thought I had done that. However, I didn’t marry such a man. I married a man who only pretended to be all of those things and he kept me fooled for quite a long time.

Since Jesus rescued me from that existence, I have learned many things about the reality I lived in for so long. I didn’t realize I had been married to a narcissist until many months after the divorce. I’d never even heard the word before, much less knew what it was.

Behavior doesn’t lie.

One can deceive you with smooth and perfectly practiced words about who and what they are, but when it comes to their actions, it gives away the intent of their heart every time! The behavior my ex exhibited those last few years of our marriage were textbook narcissism. (Knowing what I do now, I’m sure narcissism was always the “third person” in our relationship but not knowing it was an actual mental health issue, I was completely oblivious.) Over the course of many years, my mind was abused and manipulated one minute then “love-bombed” twenty minutes later and all of it coming from the very same person. It’s an exceptionally difficult thing to come to terms with.

Even after all the time that has passed, my mind is still affected by the trauma. Back and forth. Ebb and flow. Right now, that’s my mind in a nutshell.

Cognitive dissonance.

After some online research of my own, I realized this is the culmination of what’s going on in my head. I live with two opposing views in my mind. I love him then I hate him. I miss him then I’m thankful he’s gone. There are times I know I’m over him and others I don’t think I’ll ever be.

But, if there has been one thing deeply engrained into my heart during this journey with Jesus it’s that I know, beyond any doubt, God’s got me. If He allows something to touch my life, He has a purpose for it. I thought my days of counseling and therapy were behind me. I thought my days of being overwhelmed by grief and trauma had long since passed. However, since experiencing the results of the conversation mentioned above, it proved my mind is in need of more healing.

My previous life was very compartmentalized. I used to think it was from all the years in the military but now I know it was from being married to a narcissist for over three decades. It’s how his brain worked and, over the years, it spilled over onto me.

For almost 20 years, I marked time as, “when we PCS’d to Fort Irwin, CA, our first child was born and he was promoted to Captain” or “then we moved to Alaska and our second child was born”, or “he received orders for Japan so our son was born there”.

Every major event that has happened in my life took place in a different city, state, or country. I lived my life in specific blocks of time so, it’s not surprising, I thought of counseling in the same way. I was feeling pretty confident with my healing process and my counselor had released me, so it was time to close the lid on counseling, put it on a shelf in the garage, so to speak, and leave it be.

Another event checked off the metaphorical to-do list. Done with that. On to the next thing.

While my mind compartmentalized things in specific blocks of time, complete with “to do” lists as a way to cope and stay organized, his, on the other hand, was used as a means of control and as a masterful tool to keep his double life a secret and separate from the one he had with me. I’ve researched it a bit and it’s exactly how he was able to keep up with all of his lies, his manipulation, and his affairs and never miss a beat.

(Anyway, that is a topic for another time. Suffice it to say, the mind of a narcissist is a dark, manipulative, and scary place.)

I’m thankful to say God is teaching me how to view things in my life in a whole new way.

Since being on my own, I have been extremely picky with the things I’ve chosen to get involved in. Right after the divorce, I was mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausted. I was afraid if I overextended myself or tried to take on too much at once, I’d never be able to get everything done and I’d fail. I thought I had to finish with one thing before I could take on another.

However, when I realized I was struggling with opposing thoughts going on in my mind, I knew I needed to go back to therapy. So, like clockwork, my compartmentalizing brain took over. I had to figure out how I could fit counseling back into my life with everything else I had going on. But instead of fretting, I prayed. I reached out to my current counselor, Holly, and she referred me to a colleague of hers. I wasn’t exactly looking forward to re-hashing the years of abuse and manipulation I thought were behind me. However, I trust the Holy Spirit’s leading and knowing my mental health is vitally important to my overall well-being, I made an appointment.

I was completely comfortable with MacKenzie from our very first meeting. I felt confirmation in my heart I was where I was supposed to be in order to find peace and healing for my troubled mind. I don’t like feeling “double-minded”. I prefer to live with absolutes but life on this earth isn’t always cooperative in that regard. It’s the reason I cling so tightly to God’s word. It’s an absolute. I can count on it for truth, wisdom, and direction in and for my life. With my mind being programmed over so many years by abuse and manipulation, I don’t always trust it. There are times I have to speak God’s word aloud so my mind audibly hears it.

In November of last year, I published a writing on the blog entitled Restore. It was written as a conversation with Jesus but the reader is only privy to my thoughts. It was during this conversation/prayer, the Holy Spirit brought answers to a lot of questions I’d been having. It felt as if I’d healed enough to transition onto the next step but didn’t exactly know what that step was. I knew I wasn’t as sad anymore and found myself actually enjoying activities I had never considered enjoyable in the past, such as gardening. (My kids are still scratching their heads about that!)

So, instead of thinking of the next step as a specific block of time, I unknowingly embraced it as an on-going reality. A day-to-day, moment-by-moment reality. However, I didn’t realize it as such until things turned in a direction I didn’t see coming.

When I returned to church, after being absent for three years, my previous couples class welcomed me back with open arms and gave me a safe place to land until I figured out where God wanted me. Then just before Christmas of 2022, I started attending all all-age ladies class that seemed the perfect fit. All was well until our teacher, who I knew was only filling in temporarily, felt her time with us had come to an end. On her last Sunday with us, she introduced us to our new teacher, who had been sitting in on our class before she took over the following week.

I wasn’t able to attend the following week due to illness but made it the next Sunday. When I arrived, several of the ladies from class were seated in a common area talking. This seemed odd to me because they looked as if they didn’t have plans to move anywhere else and yet, class was about to start. I stopped and chatted with them for less than a minute then went on to class, thinking they’d be right behind me.

From the moment I walked into the classroom, something felt off. I didn’t know what it was but something was not right.

I wasn’t quite sure why I felt the way I did but it didn’t get any better. As the hour progressed, it got worse. I found myself disagreeing with this new facilitator on more than just a few Bible facts. The more I sat there, the more my heart raced.  I just wanted to get out of there.

The final straw was when she handed out a little book of “prayers” she wanted one of us to read aloud at the end of each class. Now, I don’t have anything against books filled with prayer as sometimes they’re exactly what is needed. However, when they’re used to replace audible, unscripted prayer from someone’s heart to God’s throne, that’s when it becomes a problem for me.

Prayer is an amazing privilege we have as believers. We have the gift of direct communication with Almighty God. It’s something I do not take lightly. Jesus gave His very life to reconcile us to the Father so we can be forgiven of our sin, so we can live eternally with Him someday, so we can lift up our hearts to Him in prayer. It’s an absolute honor.

When I walked out of the classroom that morning, I was disappointed, to say the least. I had to walk back through the same common area to get to the sanctuary for worship, and the ladies from my Sunday school class were still sitting together, talking. I walked over to them and one asked me if I were okay. Guess I wasn’t hiding my disappointment very well.

I briefly told them what I felt during Sunday school and they indicated they’d felt the exact same way the week before.

I cried all the way home from church that day.

I knew without any doubt, God had moved me to that class for a specific purpose. At that time, I hadn’t quite figured out what that specific purpose was but I also knew I couldn’t continue to attend listening to a facilitator whose doctrine didn’t all match up to God’s word. I decided to continue praying for God’s direction.

By the end of the week, I felt I needed to give the class one more chance. I didn’t want to base my decision for leaving over one Sunday school lesson. So, the next Sunday, I went back to see what would happen and where God would lead.

Suffice it to say, nothing had changed and I left feeling the exact same way as I did the week before. The following Sunday, I was one of the ladies sitting in the common area during the Sunday school hour.

We couldn’t continue to meet and have class in an open seating area. The next step was to have a conversation with the Sunday School director about our concerns. Long story short, a few days later, some of the ladies met with him. He decided it would be best for us to start our own class. We only had one issue. We didn’t have a teacher. In order to have a classroom, we had to have a teacher. No one was volunteering for the role so I told them to give him my name until a new teacher could be found. We all agreed to study the lesson individually during the week then co-teach the next Sunday.

Our first Sunday as a new class was such a blessing. We were happy to be together. But, as it turned out, no one had really studied the lesson. I had read over it and knew what it was about so I sort of led our class that morning. It was a bit overwhelming. I felt awkward and so inept because I hadn’t studied the entire content of the lesson. We had agreed to co-teach so I was depending on the others to help lead the discussion. All of us had read it but our idea to co-teach didn’t work out very well.

I certainly didn’t like the way our first lesson together had turned out so I purposed in my heart that by the next Sunday, I would be prepared. The entire week that followed, I studied, read commentaries, made notes, prayed, studied, made notes, and prayed some more.

Well, I am now the full-time teacher of that class!

And it just happened.

I can honestly say I have never considered being a Sunday school teacher. It has never even been a passing thought so to find myself in that position was a total surprise. But then again, even though it was a total surprise, I had amazing peace.  I had no idea volunteering my name would end in this way. I just knew I wanted to be part of those ladies lives and volunteering was a step in the right direction. All of it came together as if it had been meticulously planned. (And it had been…only not by me!) It just happened as naturally as breathing. What’s even more surprising is there were no post-it notes with pros and cons involved! No compartmentalizing nor trying to figure out if teaching a Sunday school class would even fit into my already busy schedule.

It just did.

It’s just God.

When I surrendered to God’s will and plan for my life, back in July of 2017, I gave Him everything. My heart, my life, my soul, my home, my kids, my job, my finances. Everything! Whatever He wanted for me, I wanted. It didn’t matter what it was. I wanted Him first and foremost in my life. It was a completely new concept to live by but, with my entire being, it’s what I wanted. Previously, I had lived a very planned existence complete with my to-do lists, the United States Army, and another human being calling the shots. I lived by their agenda and just did whatever I was told to do.

In spite of all that, I know being an Army wife was good for me. It taught me structure and forced me to grow up. I learned to do a lot of things on my own and how to take care of myself and my kids. But, on the other hand, it made me very self-sufficient. I relied on my own instincts a lot and didn’t factor prayer into the equation very much. It’s how the compartmentalizing started (guess it made it easier to cope) and why I spent a fortune on post-its and notepads. I always had to weigh the pros and cons and have a plan. And, if something happened to throw that off, I was panic stricken.

However, I no longer live like that. Jesus set me free from living so rigid and anxious. (Side note: I have made plans for retirement because I just think it’s prudent.) But as far as my every day life goes, I have learned to take each day as it comes.

When Jesus is in control, His plans will unfold before you. They just have a way of happening without much thought. I used to think His will was something tangible I had to lay my hands on or see with my own eyes before I achieved it but that is not living by faith. That is work-based ideology. Then a very wise woman of God told me once that I live out God’s will and plan for my life every single day. That was mind-blowing for me! It completely changed my point of view.

Every event that has happened to me, up to this very moment, God, in His sovereignty, has allowed,  and has used, to get me to where I am today. He did not cause the abuse, the manipulation, the betrayal, or the divorce (we are all free to make our own choices) but He definitely used each one as a catalyst to bring me to the present.

What He allows, He makes room for.

I don’t have to try to figure out how things will fit or won’t fit into my life. I don’t have to omit things I’m already doing or enjoy either.

With a heart surrendered to Jesus, He gives you the desires for it.

Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and He will act.”

~ Psalm 37:3-5 ESV

This doesn’t mean He will give me everything my heart desires. Rather, it means God put desires into my heart I didn’t know I wanted or needed or even think I could do. I didn’t even know they were there! But they’ve always been part of me! However, they were never given the chance to take root and grow. They were pushed down and trampled upon as I feverishly toiled to cultivate acceptance and validation from a man who lived by his own agenda and expected me to live by it as well. I realize now, these desires are the very reason I had to go through all the things God has allowed these past five years. All the pain, the grief, the despair, and the tears were the prepping ground for these desires to take root and grow. And now that they’re fully grown, I’m fully equipped and ready to do them. I didn’t have to do anything. I didn’t even know it was happening. God has been in every meticulous detail.

From the very beginning.

But this time, it was different. There was urgency in my heart that wasn’t there the first time. I knew this required my obedience and that to obey Him would bring healing to my heart. Somehow I managed to whisper the words, “Okay, Jesus.”

What He said next glued my feet to the floor. I. Could. Not. Move!

“Even if he walks away from you forever, do you choose Me?”

This time, there was no hesitation. No excuses. I knew the answer without even thinking.

“Yes, Jesus. I choose You.”

Little did I know those five words had just changed the entire course of my life…

07.24.2017

~ Shattered Surrender ~ 

His timing is infinitely perfect.

Before the foundation of the world, God knew how my entire life would play out. Every story, every chapter, every scene, every line, and yes, even every set of parentheses that bids me take pause and reflect. Nothing that has happened or will happen is a surprise to Him. He’s the Alpha and the Omega. The Beginning and the End. (Revelation 1:8)

He knows it all.

He’s got me.

And I trust Him.

Doesn’t get much better than that.

Oh, there are still struggles, set-backs, and grief but even those are held within His hand. I believe grief will always be a part of me in some form. It’s reality. It happened. There is no such thing as a “do-over”. The past is what it is. I suffered abuse, manipulation, trauma, and narcissism but I am still here. God is making beauty from all of those ashes and I am abundantly content and free.

I have learned a lot about who I am and Whose I am.

The God I serve is amazing and mighty.

He is Loving, Faithful, and True.

I’m so thankful (so very thankful) for His constant presence in my life.

For the way He leads.

For the way He’s in every detail.

And for His Desires for (My Heart).