Author name: Jennifer

The Sculptor

1 Comment / Healing, Hope, Restoration / /

Here’s another writing by my son. God has been at work in his heart and inspiring him to put pen to paper to share the healing taking place within him. I pray the following words will encourage you on your own journey with Jesus. ~ The Sculptor ~ There is a famous sculptor in our world, but He does not make statues out of marble, clay, or stone. No, He is a special kind of artist, one who can create the most magnificently beautiful things that you can ever lay your eyes on. In your mind, picture a Man who is of average height, but strong and sure of Himself and the quality of His work. He can craft the most awe-inspiring things in the world; the mountains, the seas, the sky in all its wondrous beauty, flitting with countless stars, which He also made. All of these things and more, He has created innumerable quantities of them, displaying His infinite creativity and power. However, these are not His most impressive work. You see the Man, in a workshop of sorts, molding away at a large block of clay. In a matter of moments, you see Him shaping what looks like the shape of another man, who’s countenance looks rather plain to you. Before you even have time to process it, the Sculptor wipes His brow and proudly proclaims that He is done with His masterpiece. It is a man of average appearance formed out of the clay block that was there just moments before. The Sculptor then breathes on the sculpture, and to your astonishment, the clay man comes to life! He begins to move and breathe on his own, where clay once was, flesh and bone are now present. You can tell that the Sculptor loves His creation more than anything else He has ever created, so much so that you cannot even really comprehend it. Immediately, time passes before you, and you see the clay man who was given flesh standing in front of you. He is surrounded by others like him, but they are jeering at the man, calling him all sorts of terrible things. However, the man does not become angry. As he stands there, tears begin to stream down his face, and he says, “Why can no one just accept me for who I am? Am I not handsome enough? Smart enough? Good looking enough?” You see the man in his home, but he does not feel much love or compassion there either. A man who looks like he could be his father, berates him, judges him, calls him unkind things, and even hits him sometimes. Although he looks like he is made of flesh, you see cracks that begin to appear in the man’s skin. In fact, he has been covered in them this whole time, but you only now took notice of them. The man retreats to be by himself and begins to cry to himself, “Why am I not good enough? Why can’t I just be different? Why was I made this way?” Your heart begins to break for this man as he sits alone in his misery. Next, you see the man walking alone in a wasteland of some kind. There are no other signs of life, and the man is covered in even more cracks than before. You hear him say to himself, “I’m never going to be good enough, so what’s the point. I’m a failure and always will be. Dad was right that I have no idea where I am going in life.” After walking some more, the man collapses to his knees, being able to no longer bear his suffering. He clutches his chest so tightly that he begins to think that he is going to die right then and there. However, to his surprise he does not, but he looks down at his hands that are now clutching something. In his hands is a small, ceramic heart, which is also covered in cracks and has pieces missing from its form. The man begins to sob uncontrollably at seeing this. Other parts of him begin to fall off of him as he wails in his anguish. His crying starts to quiet down, and he kneels there, hands clutching the shattered heart as if it was the last and most precious thing that he owned. Amidst the now quiet sobs, you can hear him muttering, “I can’t take this anymore. I’m tired of feeling so lonely and empty inside. I can’t ignore You anymore, even though that is what I have been doing for so many years now…I’m so sorry…please, help me…” In a moment faster than a heartbeat, you see the Great Sculptor from earlier standing in front of the shattered man. The shattered man is completely speechless and in awe of this Artist Supreme. The Sculptor says nothing but begins to pick up the pieces that had fallen off of the man. He takes each of them in His hands and begins to place them back onto the man who was once cracked and shattered. He then looks at the cracked heart still nestled in the man’s palms. For the first time, you hear this Creator speak, and you feel yourself compelled to bow down as low as you can possibly go at the Majesty of His voice. He says, “I AM here with you and have been chasing you all this time. I knew you before you even came into the world. You are the jewel of all of My creation. You are fearfully and wonderfully made, My child, and all of My works are wonderful (Psalm 139:14). I love you more than you can ever truly comprehend or realize.” The Sculptor takes the damaged heart, molds it in His noticeably scarred hands, and it comes out looking brand new and unscathed. He places the renewed heart back into the man’s chest, and at this, the man begins to weep saying, “I’m so

The Sculptor Read More »

The Scarred Healer

1 Comment / Healing, Hope / /

My kids and I have been on a healing journey for the past seven years. Divorce leaves many things in its wake. Shock, grief, disbelief, pain, and betrayal to name a few. Writing has always been an outlet for my emotions and I have 22 journals full of such. A few days ago, my son wrote down some of his own emotions as a way of working through the pain he’s experienced due to the events surrounding the divorce of his biological father and myself. After I read it, I asked him if I could publish it here for others to read as it might be just the thing that someone else needs to hear. He agreed to let me share his heart on this open forum in hopes that it touches someone who might be going through the same thing he has. My son doesn’t think he’s a writer but I thought this was so beautifully written, it needed to be shared. This is a beautiful example of what the power of surrender can do in ones heart if willing to take a step toward Jesus. He’s there and He’s waiting. I pray the following words will bless you this day. ~ The Scarred Healer ~ Within the confines of your mind, picture a vast desert of endless, cascading sands that blanket every square inch. No water, no relief, just unimaginable heat and dry air. There are zero signs of any life, not even a cactus or lizard. As you skirt the landscape amidst the sky, as if you were a bird in flight, you see a shape begin to form in the distance. At first, you think that you have finally spotted some kind of vegetation, some sign of life in this wasteland, but as you come closer to the mysterious object, you begin to see that it seems distinctly human. You notice that the shape you saw from far off is, in fact, a man. He is knelt on his knees, arms wrapped around his form as if he is trying with all his might to keep something hidden from view. He is completely exposed to the elements with no clothes on his back. You begin to feel compassion for this enigmatic figure, yet you find yourself unable to interact with him at all. You notice that the man is completely covered in scars from his head to the bottoms of his legs. Startling you out of your stupor, the man begins to cry softly to himself, almost sounding not like an adult man, but a small, scared child. You feel like your heart is being torn apart by the sorrow you can feel in the man’s gentle sobs, but you hold it together. Amidst the cries, you can faintly hear the man speak for the first time since you found him. You can just barely hear him say, “I can’t take this anymore. Why did I have to be hurt? What did I do to him to deserve this?” The man pauses briefly, then you hear him continue, “Was it something I did wrong? Was I not good enough? Was I not strong or smart enough?” As if it took every ounce of strength left within him, you hear him say, “I’m done with running away. I’m so tired. Please, even though I don’t deserve it and ran away, will you take me back?” You start to say something, then, suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light that is so bright, you think that you’ll go blind. As your vision comes back to you, you see another man, standing in front of the scarred man. He is radiant beyond belief, as if the light itself is bowing before Him, and He also has scars, one in each wrist and in both of His feet. The Man who is more than a man kneels in front of the scarred man, who looks completely awestruck. Tears begin to stream down the scarred man’s face, as he stares into the face of this God-Man. He cries out with a loud voice, “I’m so sorry My Lord! I’m so sorry that I ran away from You! You, who had always been by my side! How could I do such a thing?” The God-Man simply looked at him in the eyes and said, “My child, you were forgiven long ago. I have loved you since before you were formed in your mother’s womb and I will always love you, no matter what you do.” The Radiant One then took a large, white linen sheet and wrapped it around the scarred man, saying, “By My sacrifice you have been made clean. By My stripes you have been healed. Come and follow Me.” As He said these things, He wiped the tears from the scarred man’s eyes and offered out His own scarred hand. The scarred man immediately took the scarred hand of the God-Man, but they did not start walking away just yet. The God-Man turned around, looking at you, reader, saying, “I laid my life down as a ransom for you as well. Come and follow Me.” Now, with tears streaming from your own face, you take the God-Man by His other scarred hand, and follow Him. This God-Man has a name. His name is Jesus, and He gave EVERYTHING so that we may be healed. I don’t know where you’re at in life, what you believe, or the pain that you have suffered, but if there is anything that you get out of this story, it’s that Jesus is very real, and He wants to heal you of all that pain. As Jesus Himself stated, “I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. I am the Good Shepherd. The Good Shepherd lays down his life for the sheep” (John 10:10). In case you didn’t catch it, I, Jeremiah Blankenship, am the scarred man in the story. I won’t go into all the details of my

The Scarred Healer Read More »

Fire and Ice

Leave a Comment / Healing, Hope, Reflection / /

“Do you know what happens when ice touches a hot surface? It evaporates!” Why is it that certain words have more impact than others?  Why is it that some never seem to get purged from the filing cabinet in our mind and are brought to the surface more times than we care to admit? Is it because of who said them? The tone or inflection in the voice? The context in which they were said? Or is it because such words were so hurtful and were seared into the memory bank so deep, they can’t help but to surface now and again? I pass an electronic billboard every Sunday on my way to church. Yesterday, just as I passed by, the words fire and ice popped up and stood out like a neon sign vying for my attention. I have no idea what was being advertised but the fire and ice reference that came to my mind, is the sentence above. Two simple nouns in the English language forever altered in my mind due to the hurtful way in which they were verbalized to me. I truly believe they will be etched there forevermore. However, what makes the difference now is how I choose to view them. They can be a source of grief and depression or I can look at them as being one of the first steps in the process toward my ultimate freedom from abuse and trauma. A few years before the message above was seared into the recesses of my mind, my spouse, as he was at that time, was involved in a battle for his very soul. It was not a physical battle he was engaged in but a spiritual one. He didn’t talk to me very often about the warring that went on in his mind, but the few times he did, he said if he couldn’t be hot in his walk with the LORD, he might as well be cold. He was referring to a passage of scripture found in the book of Revelation where Jesus is talking to the church at Laodicea, which is modern day Turkey. They had lost their first love. This church had become lovers of self and had fallen into apostasy. They had become apathetic. In other words, they refused to continue in what they knew to be truth. They simply decided to reject God and His commands. Essentially, they had become “black sheep christians”. (If there is such a thing.) “‘I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot! So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth. For you say, I am rich, I have prospered, and I need nothing, not realizing that you are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked.” ~ Revelation 3:15-17 ESV This was the battle that raged in his mind. He had become apathetic towards God and truth. He lived in a gray area, of which God is not. God is black and white; absolute; right or wrong; no middle ground. Once my former spouse made the decision to be cold towards God, his coldness toward me increased as well. My initial thought about his decision to go cold was that perhaps it wouldn’t have been a bad thing because God can work with an absolute. I prayed for the Holy Spirit to convict his troubled heart and bring him back. What happened was quite the opposite. Instead, he withdrew from me even more and spent a lot of time alone. He left the house to get away from me as often as he could and didn’t talk to me very much. At the time, I didn’t understand it but, as I reflect on this scripture from Revelation, his words above, and consider them with everything I know now, it makes perfect sense. As one who loves Jesus with her whole heart, I have a very difficult time understanding how anyone who’s known perfect love, grace, mercy, and forgiveness, could ever willingly walk away from it. (These are the beautiful gifts received ~ through no merit of one’s own ~ when one becomes a child of God through the blood of Jesus Christ.) When I gave my heart to Jesus, I had the desire to do whatever He wanted me to do and go wherever He wanted me to go. I cannot get away from the fact that my heart belongs to Him…forever. I will be transparent and admit right here that there was a brief period of time when I chose to do some things I knew were wrong. I knew I had made a conscious choice to sin but I did it anyway. I had my reasons at the time and yes, I justified them to myself. Didn’t change the fact that I was 100% wrong! But one morning, as I was stopped at a red-light, conviction hit me like a ton of bricks. The presence of the Holy Spirit filled my car and if I’d have been able to, I would’ve been flat on my face! Being strapped in by a seat-belt, I bowed my head as far down as I could get it and with tears of grief pouring from my eyes, confessed my blatant sin to my Heavenly Father. I asked Him to forgive my rebellious heart and restore my relationship with Him. And He did! In that very moment, the weight I’d been carrying was lifted. All I had to do was ask. That’s how I know that I know that I know, if you are a true child of God, you absolutely, 100% CANNOT live in sin because the Almighty, Holy God will NOT allow His children to do so. It is an impossibility. The Holy Spirit will convict. No words have to be uttered. No audible voice from the clouds need reach your ears. (Even though I believe with all my heart those things are possible if

Fire and Ice Read More »

Reflecting on Thankfulness

Leave a Comment / Reflection, Thankful / /

This year has passed all too quickly! It seems like I shouldn’t be sitting here reflecting on all this year has held already. However, I have learned the older I get the faster time flies. It’s just a reality of life that must be embraced because it is truth, no matter how much it always seems to surprise me. When Tami and I started this website ministry, back in July of 2018, we had no idea we’d have as many hits and viewers as our stats now show. It is humbling, to say the least. Even though we don’t receive much feedback or comments on our content, the map shows us how many log on and view and/or read our posts and for that, we are forever grateful. I am not much of a website expert nor do I really know how to track data as I’d like to, but if you’ve been one of our consistent followers and we just don’t know because your comments don’t get recorded or tracked appropriately (due to my lack of tech savy-ness), please send us an email at reflectinghisheartministries@gmail.com because we’d love to hear from you! With that being said, we want you to know that we are thankful for you! So very thankful!! Thank you for supporting us and being faithful to our website and blog. We are grateful for all the Holy Spirit has allowed us to share. He has stretched us in different ways and we have learned, grown, and healed on this journey with you. Our prayer is that each and every word has touched you and blessed you in a profound way. We pray you were (and are) able to hear what the Holy Spirit was (and is) speaking to your heart through the words He placed on our hearts to share. We are thankful that God is a personal God. He deals with us individually and He never plays favorites. We are all the same at the foot of the cross. He has a unique path for each one of His children. He knows our exact circumstances and will lead each one of us according to His will for our lives. Our part is to be obedient and follow Him with complete faith and trust. We realize this is easier said than done but we can assure you, from personal experience, that it is WELL worth it. The pathway He’s prepared may be rough and full of valley’s at times, but He is there. Always there. Going before us. We are thankful for grace. God’s Riches At Christ’s Expense. Unmerited favor. Underserved yet lavished upon us. His amazing, matchless grace. He took our sin upon Himself then He gives us approval that we don’t deserve. It doesn’t make sense but it’s exactly what He did. Oh, how we thank Him for grace. We are thankful for God’s love and forgiveness. For His unconditional love. We are thankful He accepts us just as we are but loves us too much to leave us that way. He wants to transform us. He wants His love to so permeate our hearts that it spills out on all those around us. We are thankful, also, for His forgiveness. Through His precious blood, we are covered and it has cleansed us from ALL unrighteousness. We are no longer condemned. Even while we were still sinful and far away from Him, He died for us so we could be forgiven. Yes, we still fail and fall short but His love never waivers and His blood always covers. Oh, there is supernatural power in that redeeming blood. Oh, how thankful we are for His love and forgiveness of sin. We are thankful for valleys; for it’s in the valley we feel Him the closest to us. Valleys are for our growth and refinement. Valleys are for testing. Valleys are necessary. Valleys are for our good. Valleys are where He carries us. He cries with us. He laughs with us and He waits for us. We have learned so much in the valley. I think that’s why we so often find ourselves there. If all we ever experienced were mountain-top victories, how would we know what God can do in the valley? The valley shows us who God is. There’s such sweet and comforting fellowship in the valley. We are thankful for valleys. We are thankful for the quiet. It’s in the quiet when we listen the most intently. It’s in the quiet we can pour over His precious word and allow the Holy Spirit to speak truth into our hearts. It’s in the quiet we can lift up our praise as well as our petitions. It’s in the quiet where there are no distractions. Oh, how thankful we are for the quiet. We are thankful for healing. While healing is a process that can sometimes be excruciating, along with the healing comes a quiet confidence and strength you cannot explain. You know it’s God-given because it’s nothing you could have done on your own. It’s part of the process. While you grieve the loss or the tragedy, God is not only healing those wounds, He’s creating and developing an inner strength you don’t even realize is there. It’s not haughty or puffed-up because you know from whence you came…I like to call it a hot mess. God takes the ashes of your brokenness and molds them into something beautiful and stronger than you could ever possibly imagine. Oh, how very thankful we are for healing. As this year is very close to being at its end, a new one is just around the corner, LORD willing. Tami and I are looking forward to sharing more stories, more scripture, and more of what God is doing in our lives on this journey toward healing and restoration. Thank you all, once again, for logging on and letting us share just a small glimpse into our lives with Jesus. We appreciate you! Your Sisters in Christ,

Reflecting on Thankfulness Read More »

Mistaken Identity ~ Funeral Fire

2 Comments / Healing, Hope, Restoration, Strength / /

I didn’t think it would be that simple. Finding closure. Agonizing over the lack thereof for years only to embrace it with one simple choice. To go back to the exact same place it all started. It’s so amazing how the Holy Spirit orchestrates a myriad of details and then brings them all together as a beautiful symphony of glory and praise to the Father. The good and the bad. The grief and the laughter. The defeats as well as the victories. My finite mind will never be able to comprehend the depth of His love for me nor how He can take one of the most grievous life events and bring beauty from its ashes. It’s just what He does because He is God and He can. Earlier this year, I told my mom I would like to fly out to the Pacific NW to visit her and my step-dad. I hadn’t been there for three years so knew it was time. I didn’t have any definite plans but did tell her I’d look at some dates and let her know. A few weeks later, she called and asked me if I was still coming. The anticipation in her voice was something I couldn’t dismiss as just a simple inquiry. She wanted me to come see her. That’s all it took for me to start looking at airfare and flight itineraries. Long story short, I reserved vacation time off at work, then booked my flight and purchased my tickets. I’m not sure why, but I’m always amazed at how each decision I make somehow corresponds with the next one. I’m finally understanding what it means to walk in the plans God has for me. The ever illusive “you need to find God’s will for your life” from my youth group days has taken on a whole new meaning since I realized when I keep Him at the center of my life and allow Him to be in control, the path I’m to walk opens up before me with very little effort. There’s no stress and no drama. It just works. About a week after I booked my flight, I had an appointment with my trauma counselor. At that time, I was still trying to wrap my mind around the realization that had come to light in our previous session. The enormity of knowing that my ex saw me as a child in need of “training” during our marriage still weighed very heavy on my heart. I didn’t know what to do with it. In the interim between appointments my mental state was foggy. Not knowing which way to turn or what to think, I decided to stay focused on the truth I held in my heart that God had me…no matter what was happening. During our conversation, we started discussing closure. I do not believe in coincidences because God is sovereign and nothing in my life happens by chance. It’s by design. As we talked, she asked me if there was something I could do to find closure. Something tangible to convince my mind it was time to put the painful past behind me and move forward. I thought about it for a moment then said, “Well, I’m going back home in a few weeks….that’s where I met him, we dated, and got married…the church is still there…perhaps going there would help…”  I had no idea how going back to the church we were married in would aid in my search for closure, but knew the Holy Spirit would lead me into every detail at the right time. And He did. For the next few weeks, the choice to go back to the church came together. I found a box in my closet with a few wedding photos, birthday cards, notes, etc that I thought I’d long since destroyed but hadn’t. I asked my daughter to get my original wedding set out of her safe so I could take it with me. (I’d given it to her right after the divorce because I wasn’t ready, at that time, to part with it.) When my daughter gave my rings back, my former spouse’s original wedding band was there as well. (I’d had it sized to fit my finger and started wearing it when he made us new rings for our 15th wedding anniversary.) I had forgotten I’d given it to her to keep for me. As I held those rings in my hand, I thought it was just as it should be. Gold circles that were once symbols of a love and covenant that should’ve had no end, were now just hollow reminders of broken vows, betrayal, and abandonment. Having his ring to bury along with mine, brought additional confirmation that the closure I longed for was well within my grasp. Design. The old hymn “Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing” had been on my mind for days and I couldn’t figure out why I kept singing it over and over. There’s a phrase in the second verse that says “Here I raise mine Ebenezer, hither by Thy help I’m come”. There was something about those words that compelled me to know more about them so I started researching it a bit deeper. My search led me to the lyrics and the lyrics, to the Old Testament. Specifically, 1 Samuel 7:7-12.  7 Now when the Philistines heard that the people of Israel had gathered at Mizpah, the lords of the Philistines went up against Israel. And when the people of Israel heard of it, they were afraid of the Philistines. 8 And the people of Israel said to Samuel, “Do not cease to cry out to the LORD our God for us, that He may save us from the hand of the Philistines.” 9 So Samuel took a nursing lamb and offered it as a whole burnt offering to the LORD. And Samuel cried out to the LORD for Israel, and the LORD answered him. 10 As Samuel was offering up the burnt offering, the Philistines drew near to attack Israel. But

Mistaken Identity ~ Funeral Fire Read More »

Mistaken Identity ~ Seen and Not Heard

Leave a Comment / Healing, Hope, Restoration / /

Identity –  the distinguishing character or personality of an individual Individuality –  total character peculiar to and distinguishing an individual from others; separate and distinct existence ~ Merriam Webster Dictionary Pretty straight forward, isn’t it? Makes sense. Easy to wrap your mind around, right? For most people anyway. Not so much for others. Those others include me. I always thought I knew who I was. Daughter. Sister. Granddaughter. Aunt. (Ex)Wife. Sister-in-Law. Mom. Mother-in-Law. Nana. Friend. Employee. Sunday School teacher. Writer. Each of these roles describe who I am or was. With each one, I can picture in my mind those they pertain to and how each one is different, distinct, and separate. Even though they’re all part of who I am, each one carries with it a very different purpose. Within the past week, I’ve realized I played another role in the life of an individual to whom the role was never meant to be played. But it makes sense now. Seems like all the pieces have finally fallen into place. Answers to questions I didn’t know I needed have become reality. Before the internet was at our fingertips twenty-four seven/three sixty-five, there was a periodical called a newspaper. I’m old enough to remember it being delivered every morning by a young boy on his bicycle. As he pedaled past the front yard, he’d toss the newspaper towards the house and, hopefully, if he had good aim, it would land someplace near the front porch. The newspaper was full of both local and world events, engagements, weddings, births, deaths, etc. But right in the middle was a huge section called the classifieds or the “want-ads”. If you had something you were interested in buying and/or selling (such as a car, a boat, or a new house) or were in need of a job, you’d peruse the want-ads to see if anyone had the item you wanted to buy or were offering the type of job you were seeking. The want-ads were the perfect source for buying and/or selling tangible merchandise or finding just the right place of employment to meet your needs. Yes, the newspaper truly was a wealth of knowledge and kept us informed of all the goings-on in the world. Oh, how I wish there were a periodical, book, or magazine I could search and find answers for this recent discovery from my past. It would be so much easier if I could search Amazon for a manual entitled “Jennifer ~ How to Heal and Move On From All the Insane & Grievous Things You Had to Deal With While Married to Your Ex”!! Unfortunately, there are some things a newspaper could never help with, even if they were still in circulation. There are some things that cannot be found by diligently perusing words in a book, magazine, or even the internet. There are some things that cannot be found by seeking out worldly answers to questions that are screaming from a broken heart. There are some situations that occur in this life we cannot control nor wrap our mind around nor find answers to no matter how many times we do a google search. There are some things that can only be found by surrendering everything to Almighty God then patiently wait and trust Him to bring the answer…in His time. Two passages of scripture just popped into my mind that help me in the waiting. “Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will hear you. You will seek Me and find Me, when you seek Me with all your heart.” ~ Jeremiah 29:12-13 ESV “Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And He who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.” ~ Romans 8:26-28 ESV For most people, waiting on God’s timing and trusting Him to work everything out isn’t a popular choice. Most people (and that most includes me) want an easy fix so the problem or situation will go away and life can go back to being “normal” again, if there is such a thing. I have sought out easy fixes to situations in the past and have found them to be a futile endeavor. I am human with a finite mind. I cannot see all nor do I know everything. But my God does. He sees and knows everything. God’s timing is infinitely perfect. So, I completely trust Him when new discoveries are brought into the light. Even when I don’t understand them. It all started with an afternoon counseling session. It never ceases to amaze me how God leads the conversation to exactly what I need to say in order for my counselor to ask all the right questions. We never set an agenda for our sessions. We just start talking and trust the Holy Spirit to lead. And He always does. Besides healing from the grief of divorce itself, there is one thing I have longed for. Closure. I guess you can say it’s been a mission of sorts to put the past behind me and move forward. While I have made great strides toward that end, there has been something holding me back. There has been a missing factor in the equation. That is, up until a few days ago. It was something I already knew but did not realize I had completely missed the context as it has now been presented. It was the missing factor that was holding everything back. When I was finally able to add it to the other things my heart has been grieving over and wrestling with, it all started to make sense. While

Mistaken Identity ~ Seen and Not Heard Read More »

His Desires (My Heart)

2 Comments / Encouragement, Healing, Hope / /

This is going to take time. I knew it wouldn’t be an easy road to walk and even expected a few set-backs, as there always are when you’re in the healing process. What I didn’t expect was how quickly it happened. Before I knew it, my mind returned to the place is was comfortable for so many years. One random conversation and I was back in that place of agreement; that place of acquiescence; that place of submission to whatever was said to protect myself from confrontation. It scared me. I don’t want to go back there. But my mind did. Automatically. As if someone had flipped a switch. The transition was flawless. Right back to the same old pattern; right back to the same old response. It was then I realized I have more healing ahead and probably more heart wrenching realizations as well. When I was in elementary school, grammar and punctuation were integral parts of learning the English language. While I have retained the know-how of using both of these without issue, reciting the exact rules that govern each one have long since left the building. (I’m thankful to have a daughter who just so happens to be an English major and helps me whenever I forget the finer points of the only language I know how to speak.) One part of punctuation that has always intrigued me are the parentheses. Two side-ways smiles that encompass an added thought, word, or phrase. Perhaps the word or phrase isn’t a huge part of the overall storyline but the author felt it important enough to include to give the reader another detail or even just a side-note of interest. The Almighty Author of my life story has added a parentheses to this chapter of the manuscript. It may not be a huge part of my overall storyline but it’s important to include so I don’t get caught up in another cycle of abuse. If you have followed this ministry for any length of time, you are well versed on my story. Up until five years ago, I was in a marital relationship that was filled with abuse, deception, and manipulation. It wasn’t pretty. It was a desperate way to live and my mind has suffered greatly due to the influence of those things. However, while in the midst of it, I didn’t see it as abuse. I thought everyone’s marriage was as mine was. I couldn’t have been more deceived. I was raised with the belief that the man was the head of the home, the Spiritual leader and, as any good Christian wife, I was to submit and allow him to lead and help me grow in my relationship with Jesus, as well as with him. I not only believed it, I wanted it. I actually welcomed it. I wanted a godly man, strong in his faith, to study the bible and pray with. I wanted him to be the leader of our home and our family. I knew if I married such a man, the submission part would come naturally because I’d be secure in his leadership and trust he was being Spirit led through personal bible study and prayer. I thought I had done that. However, I didn’t marry such a man. I married a man who only pretended to be all of those things and he kept me fooled for quite a long time. Since Jesus rescued me from that existence, I have learned many things about the reality I lived in for so long. I didn’t realize I had been married to a narcissist until many months after the divorce. I’d never even heard the word before, much less knew what it was. Behavior doesn’t lie. One can deceive you with smooth and perfectly practiced words about who and what they are, but when it comes to their actions, it gives away the intent of their heart every time! The behavior my ex exhibited those last few years of our marriage were textbook narcissism. (Knowing what I do now, I’m sure narcissism was always the “third person” in our relationship but not knowing it was an actual mental health issue, I was completely oblivious.) Over the course of many years, my mind was abused and manipulated one minute then “love-bombed” twenty minutes later and all of it coming from the very same person. It’s an exceptionally difficult thing to come to terms with. Even after all the time that has passed, my mind is still affected by the trauma. Back and forth. Ebb and flow. Right now, that’s my mind in a nutshell. Cognitive dissonance. After some online research of my own, I realized this is the culmination of what’s going on in my head. I live with two opposing views in my mind. I love him then I hate him. I miss him then I’m thankful he’s gone. There are times I know I’m over him and others I don’t think I’ll ever be. But, if there has been one thing deeply engrained into my heart during this journey with Jesus it’s that I know, beyond any doubt, God’s got me. If He allows something to touch my life, He has a purpose for it. I thought my days of counseling and therapy were behind me. I thought my days of being overwhelmed by grief and trauma had long since passed. However, since experiencing the results of the conversation mentioned above, it proved my mind is in need of more healing. My previous life was very compartmentalized. I used to think it was from all the years in the military but now I know it was from being married to a narcissist for over three decades. It’s how his brain worked and, over the years, it spilled over onto me. For almost 20 years, I marked time as, “when we PCS’d to Fort Irwin, CA, our first child was born and he was promoted to Captain” or “then we moved to Alaska

His Desires (My Heart) Read More »

Goodbye to the Soul Tie

4 Comments / Healing, Restoration, Surrender / /

I really shouldn’t be surprised. I’m doing what I should’ve been doing my entire life. I had no idea what I was being kept from. My life was, well… It was a life. I lived it. Raised my kids. Followed an Army officer all around the U.S. and Asia. Took care of the homes we lived in. Yet something always felt a little bit off. I couldn’t put my finger on it but it was there. I could feel it. Something that stirred within me. Something that didn’t fit. Yet I denied it. For a very long time. Years, even. But I had made a promise. No. It was deeper than that. It was a covenant. A covenant that was tied to Almighty God. A soul tie. It was supposed to have been forever. Well, at least until death parted us. Not torn asunder by a willful choice. But that’s all it took. One willful choice and it was done. Years of trust completely shattered in just one moment. It could’ve never been mended. How could it? But I hoped. Why? Not sure exactly. Was I afraid to face life alone? Not really. I’d been doing life alone for a long time. I had grown accustomed to eating dinner by myself in front of the tv. I’d learned to live with the deafening silence that filled the rooms of an empty house. Silence can be very loud at times. Was I hoping he’d realize his mistake and come back? Perhaps. We’d been together for over three decades. How do you just walk away from that and start over? I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. I didn’t understand how he could say he loved me yet choose another. What about our covenant? What about our soul tie? Was it okay for only one of us to decide it was over? It was together we made the decision to get married. Why should going our separate ways be any different? If he wanted to live a godless existence and sleep around with others, why didn’t he just let me go? Would it have made a difference? Guess I’ll never know. I would’ve been crushed either way. Instead, he chose to sneak around behind my back. He lied. He cheated. He stole. He lied about everything. His phone activity. His emails. His virtual encounters via FaceTime. Not to mention, countless trips to her country, courtesy of the U.S. government no less. And all of it right under my nose. I was none the wiser. But Someone was. Jesus saw it. Jesus saw every single text message. Every single email. Every single hotel room. It’s all recorded in His book. He will answer for his choices. It’s out of my control. It’s not up to me to save him. I am not his Holy Spirit. Although there were several times I tried to be. I really did. I thought I could get him to see “the error of his ways”. I thought by confronting him, I could win him over. It didn’t work. It did the opposite. Only the Spirit can bring conviction. Only the Spirit can reveal truth that makes one morally accountable. Only the Spirit can expose the reality of one’s heart, one’s intentions, one’s attitude, and one’s actions. I’ve wasted a lot of time. Hoping. Hoping to reunite with a man who did nothing but abuse me. Hoping to reunite with a man who did not cherish me. Hoping to reunite with a man who did not respect me. Yet, even knowing all of that, I’ve been secretly hoping and praying he’d humble his heart, repent, surrender his life to Jesus, and come home to his family. This hope I shared with no one. Didn’t even realize it as truth until a few days ago. It was something my daughter said. Just one thought from her perspective did something to me. I’ve been hoping and praying for something that will not happen. It’s false It’s futile. It’s empty. I can hope and pray from now until the day Jesus calls me home but it’s not up to me. I cannot choose where he spends eternity. It’s his choice. It’s not like he doesn’t know the truth of God’s word. He’s heard it his entire life. From the very beginning of our marriage, it seemed I was tasked with the mission of getting him to turn his life around. It was never said aloud but always felt implied. Perhaps that’s why something always felt a bit off. Perhaps that’s why something didn’t fit. I married a man who wanted very much to stay a part of the world. He didn’t want to change and didn’t plan to. He played his part as I played mine. Only I wasn’t playing. I was in it for life. But it’s over. It’s been over for many years. I’m the one who’s been holding on. But I cannot move forward with his baggage weighing me down. And that’s exactly what he is. Baggage. A pile of lies, betrayal, and shattered pieces. Pieces of an old life not meant to be put back together. An old life that’s nothing more than a pile of ashes. But I know Someone who knows what to do with ashes. Bring beauty from them. Beauty from the ashes of an old life burned down and destroyed by sin. Beauty from the ashes of a covenant rent in two by selfish desires. Beauty from the ashes of a soul tie torn asunder with a single, willful choice. Beauty from the ashes of a shattered, yet healing heart. Beauty from the ashes of a life still very much surrendered to Jesus. On this very day that would’ve been our 40th wedding anniversary, it seems quite fitting to make a choice of my own. Forty years in this wilderness is long enough. Time to move on. With my eyes fixed on Jesus. The Author and Finisher of my faith. I’m sure there will

Goodbye to the Soul Tie Read More »

When Mercy Found Me

Leave a Comment / Relationship, Surrender / /

I was a Pharisee. When you grow up in church, sometimes you acquire a false sense of security. Being that it’s something you’ve always known, you tend to think you’ll earn God’s “favor” because your parents are Christians. At least that’s the way it was for me. But I was wrong. I grew up in a Christian home and have been in church for as far back as I can remember. My parents were leaders in everything that was worship and service. My dad led the music and served as an usher. My mom taught Sunday school, Vacation Bible School, sang in the adult choir, and was a special music soloist quite often. In my younger years, I sat with my grandma Childers during the worship services. She dressed so beautifully and always wore a hat which made her look like a movie star to me. She brought snacks and always had paper and pencils at the ready if I became fidgety or started whispering. My grandma was always prepared. The Childers/Sager families were in church every time the doors were opened and we always went together. But wasn’t that the right thing to do? I always thought so. At the age of 8, I attended Vacation Bible School just as I had every summer up to that point. I recall story time not being as much fun as snacks and recess. I remember I felt uneasy when my teacher told of a man named Jesus who died for me. He died on a cross for my sin. What sin? I’m only 8 years old. What sin could I have possibly committed? (Little did I know, that one thought was setting me up for a lot of internal pain for most of my life). At the end of one particular story time, I remember my teacher asking me if I wanted to ask Jesus into my heart. I thought it a rather strange question at the time. How can a man come into my heart? Of course I told her yes because what child doesn’t want to be obedient to her teacher? She and the church pastor took me into this little side room and shut the door. I don’t recall what I said or how I said it or if they said it for me but when I came out of that little room, I was Jenny Sager, the newest church convert and a candidate for baptism. When I look back and think about that experience now, it caused all kinds of confusion in my young mind. It’s vitally important, when presenting the gospel to children (or to anyone for that matter), to ensure it is understood what sin is, what it means to repent, and to believe in Jesus. Repeating a prayer that someone else tells you to isn’t what saves your soul. It’s realizing sin separates you from a Holy God, then by grace, through faith, believing in what Jesus did when He sacrificed His life and died on the cross, asking Him for forgiveness, and surrendering your very life to His Lordship. In that moment, you receive the gift of the Holy Spirit of God, Who takes up residence in your heart. At the age of 8, it was not explained to me in this way and in turn, I received a false sense of security. I believed because I’d repeated that prayer, I was good to go. Fast forward to my teen years. I was part of the youth group at church so we all sat in the back row of the sanctuary so we could hold hands with our latest crush, pass notes back and forth, or whisper to our best friend. We were typical kids. I listened to the sermons, for the most part, but whenever the preacher or evangelist talked about sin and needing to be saved, I somehow tuned those words out. To be honest, they scared me a little. But I was saved when I was 8 at VBS. I was a shoo-in to make it into heaven. Surely God would let me in because I’d repeated the sinners prayer and had never done anything wrong like murder someone or lie or steal. I was a good kid. Besides that, my high school friends would always come to me when something was wrong in their life and ask me to pray for them. Yep, Jennifer Sager was the Christian girl to go to when you needed God to fix something that you’d done wrong. She could pray it right out of you. I graduated from high school in May of 1981. I was only 17 at the time and not really ready to venture out into the world yet so I lived with my parents and became their housekeeper. My mom and dad both had to work hard to make ends meet so I was glad I could be there to help them by keeping up with the dishes, the laundry and the vacuuming. I really didn’t have any idea where my life was going at that point. I figured I’d get married someday but I lived all the way out in the country. What guy was going to find me out there? I tried not to think about it much. My self-esteem was pretty low as I thought myself homely with messed up teeth, short bitten off fingernails, and glasses. I didn’t hold out much hope for a guy to find me so I resigned myself to be an old maid and live with my parents. Well, I didn’t end up an old maid. I was married in April of 1983. Three days after the wedding, I moved away from the only home I’d ever known and started following my husband (as he was at that time) around the globe with the US Army. Over the years, we joined a baptist church in every new place we moved. We always ensured our kids were in Sunday School and

When Mercy Found Me Read More »

In the Direction of Surrender

Leave a Comment / Healing, Surrender / /

Have you ever looked forward to something that was difficult to wait for? As a child, I remember waiting for Christmas. My siblings and I didn’t get a lot of gifts during the year so Christmas was the one time we’d get new toys to play with. Back then, Christmas specials and cartoons were only on tv once during that time and we didn’t have any way to record them, as we do now, so if you missed them the night they aired, you had to wait an entire year for them to be broadcast again. Christmas was always a time I looked forward to and the wait for it seemed endless. The anticipation for each grandchild to be born made nine months feel like forever. I remember the excitement I felt as I looked forward to holding them in my arms, to look into their precious little faces, to whisper how very much I loved them, and how blessed I was (and am) to be their Nana. Back then, nine months seemed like an eternity but at least I knew there was a date I could mark on the calendar to look forward to. Somehow, knowing the time-frame of when I’d be able to hold those precious babies helped with the waiting process. But what about life situations we can’t mark the end date to on our calendar? Something completely out of our control? Something, perhaps, that is on God’s timetable? His timetable is vastly different than ours. “But do not overlook this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.” ~ 2 Peter 3:8 ESV Vastly different. Wouldn’t you agree? One day is a thousand years and a thousand years is one day! How do you even wrap your mind around that? I know I can’t. This is where surrender, faith, and trust must come into play. A few days ago, I was having a conversation with my son and his best friend about a situation going on in our family right now. One we have no control over. One that only God can work out to bring healing and restoration. My son made a statement I’ve heard a lot of Christians use (to include myself) but have since learned, I have been completely wrong. I don’t remember exactly what he said but the gist was he was claiming this situation would be over soon and everything would be okay. Then I asked him, “Where does God’s timing factor into that? Who are we to claim when something is to be over or decree and declare that it will be healed within a certain time-frame? Doesn’t that put us in God’s place? Doesn’t that reasoning make us our own god? What if God’s timing for it to be over is two years from now? Are you okay with that?” He sat and pondered those words for a few moments and had to admit he’d never thought of it that way before. I told him I hadn’t either. Not until a few months ago, that is. Yes, as believers, we have power and strength in the name of Jesus but it’s not something we have in and of ourselves. Apart from Jesus, we can do nothing. (John 15:5) We have God’s word to stand on and can absolutely trust in and believe on His promises for our lives. When going through trials, James tells us to “count them all joy knowing the testing of our faith produces endurance.” (James 1) The apostle Paul told us, “God’s grace is sufficient” for whatever we go through because “His power is perfected in our weakness”. (2 Corinthians 12:9) Relying on and living by the promises and the truth of God’s word is much different than claiming a hurtful life situation will be over just because we say so or want it to be then stand in God’s rightful place as Sovereign in our lives and tell Him what He’s going to do. It makes me uncomfortable just implying that, let alone actually do it and yet, it’s something I’ve done on more than one occasion in my life, of which I’ve repented and asked forgiveness for. (I’m still a work in progress.) I’m so thankful He has opened my eyes to this truth. This “it’s-all-about-me” and “God-is-at-my-beck-and-call” kind of “christianity” is rampant in our world today. More so than ever before. However, it isn’t Christianity at all. It’s a false gospel and many are falling away from the truth and buying into this easy-believism**. It might very well be an easier way to “believe” and a simpler way to live but there’s ZERO accountability and it isn’t real. “For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching (doctrine), but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths.” ~ 2 Timothy 4:3&4 ESV This scripture states very clearly what is happening in the church (as a whole) today. I know there are churches that still preach the inerrant word of God (thankful mine is one of them) but the majority of people in the world today do not want the truth. They want preachers to use soothing words to make them feel good, validate whatever actions they deem acceptable, and not hold them accountable for the choices they make. They have brought the world into the church and are trying to mix the two. As Christians, followers of Jesus, we are to be separate from the world. (2 Corinthians 6:14-18) We are to be a “living sacrifice” which means our lives are to be consecrated, dedicated, devoted, yielded, and surrendered to God. All of which means we give up our own agenda and embrace His. We are to live lives that are “holy and acceptable” to Him. (Romans 12:1) Salvation comes by grace through faith in Jesus.

In the Direction of Surrender Read More »