Healing

Surrendered Silence

1 Comment / Encouragement, Healing, Peace, Relationship / /

Have you ever looked up the definition to the word noise? I know. It’s an odd question. I imagine you’re probably wondering why I would ask such a random question and why in the world would you ever need to look up the meaning of a word that is somewhat self-explanatory. Everyone knows what noise is, right? However, I was curious to see how the dictionary defines it. I was also curious to learn what other words could possibly be used to describe a word that, pretty much, describes itself. So, I looked it up and, after once reading it, I knew I had found the one definition that had described the word perfectly. “Noise: incomprehensibility resulting from irrelevant information or meaningless facts or remarks”. Now, why the quest to know the dictionary meaning of this word? It wasn’t just to know a random bit of information nor was it because I was simply intrigued by it. I wanted to learn its definition because the enemy has been using it as a weapon in his arsenal against me. It’s what the enemy has had me focused on to consume my mind. And he was succeeding. He was filling my thoughts with irrelevant information and meaningless facts until I could no longer comprehend anything! And, worst of all, it had started to drown out the still, small voice of my Savior. Which is exactly what he wanted. Noise. Noise. Noise! When I joined the social media platform, Telegram, it was so I could keep up with the goings-on in the world but maintain distance from the main stream media, as I do not trust them nor do I believe one word of the news they report. I had joined several Telegram channels to follow, most of which reported news from a Godly perspective. There were others I followed just because they were sources I knew to be trust-worthy. Although these channels put out truthful information, after several days in a row of reading them over and over, all of it had become too much. I knew I had to delete several channels so as not to continue to overwhelm my mind. So, one morning, I did just that. My mind had become like that of a pin-ball machine. I was allowing it to be filled with so much information and so many different voices, I was pinging from one opinion to the next until it felt as if I were spinning. I’m sure the enemy was laughing at me because he most definitely had me caught up in a whirlwind of information that had just become noise. In and of itself, information is not a bad thing. We need to be informed of what is happening in our world but not so much that it becomes all consuming as it can easily become a weapon in the enemy’s hand. Later that same day, I was listening to His Glory Ministries on YouTube. They were discussing the importance of taking time each day to read God’s word and pray. And while I know having quiet time is basically “Christianity 101” for every day life as a Christ-follower, why is it spending dedicated time with Jesus is what takes the backseat? When I wake up, why is it once my feet touch the floor, life takes over and things start to take precedence over basking in my Savior’s presence? Realizing my choice was the only obstacle standing between me and my soul’s longing for time with my Savior, I chose to remove the obstacle. I chose Him. That night, I went to sleep with a divine appointment on my calendar. I had purposed in my heart that when I woke up, instead of my usual “Thank You for a new day” prayer, I was going to spend some one-on-one time with Jesus. What happened the next morning, was not on my calendar. I woke up before my alarm went off! That never happens! I think Jesus was just as excited as I was to start the day together!  I always pray throughout the day but I knew this time was going to be special. My heart felt eager and hungry. I wanted to hear from Him. My overwhelmed, restless heart and mind needed a word from the Word Himself! If you’ve followed this ministry for any length of time, you know I grew up in church. And, having done so, I recall hearing over and over, “Every good Christian starts their day with quiet time.” So, I did my best to be a good follower. I did my best to follow the plan. If that’s what I was supposed to do, I wanted to be sure to do it. But it always felt as if I’d been guilted into doing it. Like it was just something I had to do to prove myself. But who was I proving myself to? It’s probably why the myriad of quiet times I started over the years, ended just as quickly. But this time was different. I didn’t feel guilted into it and I wasn’t out to prove anything to anyone. There was no agenda on my part. Nope. This time was completely different. I have an old, broken down, comfy chair, with no legs, in the corner of my room that I’ve had for years. It’s the kind of chair you sink into when you sit down. It’s the kind of chair you want to curl up in on a cold, rainy day, with a cup of hot coffee while watching the rain drip slowly from the eaves of the house. It’s the kind of chair that somehow knows your secrets but would never betray you by telling them to anyone. It’s the kind of chair that captured many tears at the end of a very long day. It’s the kind of chair you crawl into while processing the excruciating pain of rejection, heartbreak, and a painful divorce you didn’t want. It’s the kind of chair you go to because you associate it

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The First of Many

4 Comments / Encouragement, Healing, Hope, Peace / /

“Therefore I urge you, brothers and sisters, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies [dedicating all of yourselves, set apart] as a living sacrifice, holy and well-pleasing to God, which is your rational (logical, intelligent) act of worship.  And do not be conformed to this world [any longer with its superficial values and customs], but be transformed and progressively changed [as you mature spiritually] by the renewing of your mind [focusing on Godly values and ethical attitudes], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His plan and purpose for you].” ~ Romans 12:1&2 AMP Have you ever been stuck in a pattern of thought or worry that you knew was not healthy nor productive yet you just couldn’t seem to break free from it? God’s word tells us not to be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of our mind. For a very long time, I didn’t completely understand what that meant and worse yet, had no idea how to do it even if I had understood its meaning. Healing from grief and heartache is a process. Choices are made, whether by us or by others, that effect our lives and ultimately, our minds. The actions of others may hurt or wound us in the moment but in the aftermath, our minds take over. Sometimes we accept denial as a defense mechanism against the pain or, as was my case, believe the lies the enemy plants and then plummet into depression. Either way, we are imprisoned. God tells us to stop imitating the pattern and ideals of this world then choose to allow the Holy Spirit to change our thoughts from the inside out. In other words, stop letting the world dictate how we think and how we act and instead, allow the Holy Spirit to completely reform our thinking with the intent of setting it back on the right path. The path of truth. God’s truth. Oh, how I hunger for more and more of God’s truth in my life! With that being said, the past three years have been filled with many “firsts” for me. Unexpected events that have caught me by surprise. Changes in my personal life, as well as the recent events in the the world, have effected the environment in me and around me. I always love being in my home because it’s my safe place away from the world but it’s the first time I’ve ever been quarantined and confined to it for 3 months straight. It’s the first time I’ve ever been separated from my kids and grandkids, knowing I couldn’t just get in my car and go see them whenever I wanted to. It’s the first time I’ve ever felt panic hang in the air like a fog. It’s the first time I’ve seen people with masks over their face, yet see such fear in their eyes. It’s the first time I’ve flown on an airplane that wasn’t filled to capacity. It’s the first time I’ve attended a wedding celebration where the bride and groom were told they were limited to the number of guests they could invite. It’s the first time I’ve ever experienced the uneasy feeling of realizing how quickly our freedom to choose could be taken away. It’s the first time I’d ever experienced the entire world changing at the same time. And it was isolating. So many firsts. So much change in such a short period of time. I have felt stuck. Stuck in a place out of my control and way out of my comfort zone. So many unknowns. So many questions. With no answers. Have you ever felt that way? The world, as a whole, is stuck. Imprisoned, if you will, and it grieves my heart. The world needs hope. The world needs healing. The world needs Jesus. With everything that’s happening all around us today, it’s growing more and more difficult to keep our minds focused on anything positive or hopeful. The news is so full of contradiction and we can’t believe what is being broadcast over the airwaves or posted on social media. So, what are we to believe? What is the truth? Better yet, where do we go to find the truth? In times past, my initial reaction to something unexpected happening in my life would’ve been to worry first then talk to God but only after realizing that worrying about situations out of my control doesn’t help. But now, whenever I have questions about anything that is happening in this world or in my life, I talk to God about it, first. God has shown me so many things about who He is and how much He cares about the things we care about. I am so thankful He’s never caught off-guard and is never surprised by the events that touch our lives. There’s a very special scripture the Spirit whispers to my heart whenever my mind starts to focus and dwell on things happening around me. It’s found in the New Testament book of Philippians and it says the following. “Finally, believers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable and worthy of respect, whatever is right and confirmed by God’s word, whatever is pure and wholesome, whatever is lovely and brings peace, whatever is admirable and of good repute; if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think continually on these things [center your mind on them, and implant them in your heart].  The things which you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things [in daily life], and the God [who is the source] of peace and well-being will be with you.” ~ Philippians 4:8&9 AMP Such beautiful words that sound easy enough to do, right? However, these beautiful words come with a choice. A condition. A change in our thought pattern. Keep your thoughts continually fixed. That is the choice. We must choose to think on the authentic and real; the honorable and admirable; the beautiful

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Are We There Yet?

Leave a Comment / Encouragement, Healing, Hope / /

Are we there yet? If you’ve traveled with kids, I’m almost sure you’ve heard this question resonating from the back seat! No family vacation would be complete without your kids asking this question at least five or six times! Kids just don’t understand or comprehend that sometimes, it takes awhile to get where you’re going. You can’t just snap your fingers or wiggle your nose and magically be at your destination. I have found this question isn’t just exclusive to kids.  I have lost count of how many times I have asked this very question. Are we there yet, Jesus? We live in a fast paced world. We want faster cars, faster internet, faster results, and even faster food. If we send a text message and a reply isn’t returned within 10 seconds, we’re either sending another text or calling, all the while thinking the worst. It seems we want it all right now and have no patience if now doesn’t happen fast enough. There have been times in my life I’ve been guilty of wanting God to be the same way. I’ve actually made my plans, asked Him to bless them, then basically told Him to get on board with my agenda. I know that sounds crazy but, if we’re honest with ourselves, we all do it. We may not verbalize it but God knows. He sees the intent of our heart. He knows what we’re going to think before we think it. We want to get over the heartache and the pain now. But God has His own time table. He holds eternity in His almighty hands. He has a perfect plan for our lives and He knows just the exact time it needs to happen. “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven…” ~ Ecclesiastes 3:1 ESV He has a much bigger plan than our finite minds can conceive. Even in our frustration and impatience for Him to do something now, He extends His mercy and grace to us because of His incredible, unfathomable love. He sees us. Right in the middle of our mess; right in the middle of all our unanswered questions. I ask You, my Jesus, to forgive my frustration. My impatience; my short sightedness. My inability to see Your precious hand in the middle of my chaos; in the middle of this mess that is going on inside my heart. I am so weak. I only see with human eyes sometimes and not the bigger picture You have planned and should feel in my heart. Sometimes the day to day trials and struggles really weigh on me. And it feels as if evil is winning and that I am all alone in my struggle to process this season. And yet, I know I am not. Your amazing word is full of promises that are in there just for me. But sometimes, I forget that You expect action on my part as well. “You will keep in perfect peace whose mind is fixed on You.” (Isaiah 26:3) I realize my mind hasn’t been fixed so much on You lately as it’s been on my circumstances. This promise comes with a choice. My choice to keep my mind fixed (focused) on You. Forgive me for not making the right choice. From this moment, Jesus, I surrender this season to You…yet again. I may have to do it again until we are on the other side of this pain but I know You are with me each step I take. Even when You have to carry me…like now. Thank You for how You love me! Approve of me and call me Your own. I love how God loves me! Even when I’m whining like a little child! He knows just how to speak to my heart to get my attention and let me know that He’s always there. Whether it’s to bring me a word of comfort or a word of discipline. Are we there yet, Jesus? “My precious Jenny, You don’t understand. Sometimes, it takes awhile to get where we’re going”. —————————————- The above was originally written on August 4, 2019; 2 years and 11 months ago. I’m not really sure why I didn’t publish it at that time. I don’t remember the exact reason. My only guess is I didn’t feel led to. Whatever His reasoning at the time, I trust that now is right. Perhaps He had more to teach me before He allowed me to share it with you. We aren’t privy to the reasons why God wants us to wait for His timing nor do we know the plans He has for our lives. He alone knows them. (Jeremiah 29:11) We sense the direction He wants us to go and, in faith, we step out and trust Him for the next step. Well, that’s the goal anyway. If we’re being honest with ourselves, most of us want to take control and run ahead of God and try to fix things in our own way. I’ll be the first one to raise my hand and say that I am guilty of that very thing. I have tried to control people and situations and have utterly failed at fixing anything. In fact, more often than not, I made more of a mess than had I let God take the lead. And, what’s worse? I always end up in the exact same place I started. I learned some hard lessons that way but I love how God’s word always points me back in the right direction. The truth written on its pages makes me see how I need to let God be in control and that I obediently follow. His word is life and breath to me. But it hasn’t always been this way. The children of Israel wandered around in the wilderness for 40 years because they were too impatient to wait on God’s timing. They wanted to be in control and live according to their own

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Finding Jenny

2 Comments / Healing, Hope, Relationship / /

I could’ve never foreseen it happening. Who would? It’s certainly not something dreams are made of. It completely caught me off guard. I should’ve been more prepared. After all, the signs were certainly there. Perhaps I didn’t want to accept it. Perhaps it meant I’d failed. But then, I wonder, how do you prepare yourself for heart-wrenching pain? How do you prepare your mind to wrap itself around something so grievous? But You were not caught unawares. You knew it would happen. You saw it before I was even born. I’m sure it weighed heavy on Your heart. As it would any loving Father. You watched me grow up, knowing the pain and heartache that was ahead for me. But yet, You saw the other side. You saw the lessons I’d learn. You saw the battles I’d win in Your name, even though the enemy fought hard against me. Born a month late, with a heart murmur, the doctor said I wouldn’t make it to my six-week check up. He was wrong. By the time I’d reached that milestone, the hole in my heart had healed. It was You. There were two years of wild, midnight rides to the hospital ER. Held within my momma’s arms, as she watched my face turn deeper shades of blue, and my daddy running every red light and stop sign, praying he’d make it in time. I know they were terrified. As any parent would be, feeling helpless, rushing their small child to find a doctor to aid in getting oxygen to fill my lungs so my face would return to its natural color. It’s a miracle I don’t have brain damage. I remember the time the window above the bathtub came crashing down on me and my oldest sister. Had I been sitting in any other spot in the tub, the glass would’ve cut through my jugular vein and I probably wouldn’t have made it to the hospital. But You were there. You either moved me or the falling window to protect my life. Again. When I started to elementary school, I was a small, frail child. I didn’t weigh much more than a minute, as some would say. I recall a period of time when I wasn’t able to keep any food down. It didn’t matter what I ate. Within minutes, it would come back up. I was losing weight every day. I don’t remember being told what caused it. I don’t know if I just grew out of it or if You healed me. I like to believe it was the latter. Once again, Your hand on my life. Eventually, all of the sickness I’d suffered as a young child seemed to be over but reflecting back on it now, the enemy had lost that battle but was preparing for war. As an elementary school girl, my days were spent catching salamanders in the creek, climbing trees, building forts, making mud pies, and splashing in puddles after a spring rain. The country always smelled so fresh after a good rain and it, mixed with the smoke from my Pappy’s fire stove, made for precious memories I still carry in my heart. You and I both know I wasn’t popular in junior high or high school, nor did I care to be. There were some who made fun of me for not having the latest fashion trends or for wearing clothes my mom had made for me. I did have a few friends I spent time with who accepted me for who I was. But they were like me, outcasts…but that didn’t matter to me either. I was just different. I had different values and didn’t care if those around agreed with me or not. You were an outcast, too, so I considered myself in great company. The beat of my heart was You. Still is. All I ever wanted was to please You. Still do. I was fairly quiet, for the most part. I do not recall being a loud person nor did I ever desire to be the center of attention. I was a loner; a thinker. However, the beliefs I held within my heart were deep ones and knew if I were ever to be challenged on them, I’d fight. It was 1981. I was a Senior in high school. I had two classes that were required for me to pass in order to graduate. One was a science class, that focused on evolution and the other, some type of Social Studies course about lifestyles. Knowing I had to pass these in order to receive my diploma was a little disconcerting, as even just the names of these courses stirred something within me. Somehow, I knew I would have to take a stand in each of them. I recall sitting through that science class, disagreeing with everything the teacher was saying about how the world came into being. At first, it made me angry that You were completely disregarded and were never acknowledged as Creator. I knew the truth but clearly, all the teacher was concerned with was getting through the lecture and distributing the assignment. After class, I remember approaching his desk and challenging him on his lecture. He told me I wouldn’t pass unless I participated and turned in my homework. It was then I felt You stirring something within me, then You impressed something on my heart. I went to class, listened to him speak untruth, and I did turn in my homework. However, before each answered question, I wrote this, “The book says the following…”and, from time to time, the margins were filled with scripture. My teacher never mentioned anything to me about it but I had shared truth. You enabled me to take a stand, I wrote Your truth in the margins of my assignment, and I passed. The Social Studies class was a different experience all together. It wasn’t unusual to watch videos or documentaries on controversial subjects. The premise of the

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Getting to the Root

Leave a Comment / Healing, Hope, Revelation / /

I mowed my yard today. Now that Spring is here once again, my weekend chore of mowing the lawn is upon me and let me assure you, it is a chore. I have never enjoyed yard work. Never. I’ve always loved having a beautiful lawn but didn’t realize, until I had my own home, how much work actually goes into maintaining it. The actual grass hasn’t started growing yet. It is still dormant from the winter months. So, what did I spend my time mowing down? Weeds! Weeds in abundance! If a beautiful lawn were judged on how many weeds could be accumulated per square inch of grass, I would’ve won yard of the month! The construction of my home began the end of 2017 and was completed in March of 2018. I’m not sure about other parts of the country but builders in Alabama always use sod for the yards. When the sod was first put down, it was beautiful, and I don’t recall having too much trouble with weeds that first year. There was one small sticker bush on the far side of the lawn. It was pretty small so I just mowed over it and didn’t give it much thought after that. From a distance, the yard looked pretty good. The next weekend, it was time to mow again and, once again, there was that sticker. So, once again, I mowed over it. This scenario went on for the entire summer. When the grass finally went dormant and stopped growing, I was thankful for the break. When Spring of 2019 rolled around, it was back to my weekend chore of mowing the grass. And guess what had popped up through the ground before anything else? Yep! The same sticker bush I’d mowed over and over the Spring before. Only it wasn’t so small anymore. It was twice as big. So, this time instead of just mowing over it and calling it good, I used my weed eater and cut it down before I mowed. I cut it down pretty deep so I wouldn’t have to deal with it every weekend. For the rest of the summer, that sticker never popped back up through the ground. I guess cutting it deep down with the weed eater did the trick. Well, Spring has sprung once again and I knew all last week, if the rain held off over the weekend, I needed to mow. The weeds were getting pretty tall and looked horrible. I woke up to a beautiful blue sky so, after worshipping online with my church family, I went out to make my yard more presentable to the neighborhood. I edged with the weed eater first. I have a small tree in my front yard and knew I’d need to weed eat around the base of it because the lawn mower can’t get close enough. As I was making my way around the base of the tree, I looked over to my left and there was that sticker bush! Not only was it back, it was back with a vengeance! And it had tripled in size! My first thought was to just cut it down again with the weed eater but then I realized my mistake the previous season. I had left the root! I had cut the sticker bush back but I left the root intact! That would not happen this time. I cut away most of the bush with the weed eater to expose the root. I then went to the garage and got my shovel. I dug down deep around that root and cut it out! There is now a hole on the side of my yard but the sticker bush is gone! Later, as I was mowing down the rest of the weeds, the Holy Spirit started speaking to my heart. Just like my yard, my life gets infested with weeds and sticker bushes. The enemy wants nothing more than to see my life disrupted with things that keep me distracted and discouraged. And, just like my yard, when left unattended, those things grow. If I don’t take those disruptions seriously or just hope they’ll go away, they’re sure to come back and, almost always, with a vengeance. That’s what happened in my marriage. When I first started sensing something was wrong, I didn’t want to face it because how would I handle it if it were true? I was afraid to know the truth. The Holy Spirit kept showing me little things that were wrong but I was having a difficult time wrapping my mind around them. When I would approach my former spouse and ask about these things God was revealing, he’d tell me they weren’t true and that I was imagining them. And because my heart wanted to believe him, it did. That went on for about four years. Believing him and accepting that I was just imagining things, made everything seem better, for a little while. But something was most definitely wrong. We didn’t talk much but his resentment towards me seemed to be growing. I didn’t know what I had done to deserve the resentment he projected towards me but it was there. When his affair and second family were finally revealed, it was the most grievous event I’d ever faced. But, even through the pain of it all, I truly thought we’d be able to work it all out then God would miraculously heal our marriage and we’d be better than ever. I was wrong. Just as the sticker bush in my yard had tripled in size, the problems in my marriage had done the same. The only way to fix it for good, and for healing to take place, was to get to the root and cut it out. And that’s exactly what God did. My marriage was like a sticker bush around my heart. It had taken over completely and was well on its way to devouring me. It had taken over with a

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Hindsight

Leave a Comment / Healing, Hope / /

Hindsight is 20/20. Never before has this phrase been more poignant in my life until now. God has done a mighty healing work in my heart over the past few weeks. While I do not regret my choice to marry a man I barely knew at the age of 19, my eyes have been opened to many things that should have been obvious over the years but were not. Until now. I am beginning to have some of my why’s answered. I asked God why for so long and never received answers. Now I know why. Simply put, I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t strong enough nor healed enough to handle them. So, I surrendered my why to God and left it in His hands. I knew He’d reveal the answers in His time. Since then, I have learned many things and God has allowed more truth to be revealed that go so much deeper than just why. He’s showing me the whole picture, little by little, and it’s all making more sense than ever before. The Holy Spirit has been bringing a scripture to the forefront of my mind for some time now. It’s one I’m sure I heard at every youth conference or youth camp I attended during my teenage years. It must have been an important one to hide in my heart because there seemed to be a lot of emphasis made about it whenever teenagers were gathered together. This scripture is found in the book of 2 Corinthians; chapter 6; verse 14a: “Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers.” These eight, seemingly simple, words are more powerful than I once thought. I cannot tell you how many times this scripture was drilled into my head as a teenager. And, being a teenager, I thought I had this scripture all figured out. Don’t date or marry a non-Christian. Right? Right. Pretty easy. Just don’t do it. Even though this scripture was emphasized over and over and over, no one ever said what to do if the person you’re dating or planning to marry LIES about their relationship with Jesus? What if they say and do all the right things? What if they tell you what they want you to hear because they have a different agenda for pursuing the relationship? What if they pretend and appear to be something they are not and you don’t see it? In hindsight… The reason I never heard that part at any youth gathering I attended is because there’s no way to prepare for it. How do you prepare for someone to lie to you? I certainly didn’t know how. I’m thankful God has a perfect time for everything and doesn’t reveal our entire life to us all at once. The sheer magnitude the myriad of emotion it would create within us would probably be enough to make our heart stop. Or when something negative or painful presented itself, we’d take steps to keep from experiencing it. I know I would be guilty of trying to manipulate the events I didn’t like. And I’m willing to bet, you would be, too. God loves us too much to ever put us into that kind of situation. He knows us so intimately and knows when we’re ready for each event, each season in our life and, if we allow Him, He will be our perfect Guide. However, there have been times I’ve run out ahead of Him, trying to fix things to somehow make situations conform to my will; only to be upset and disappointed even more than I would have been had I chosen to let Him be in the lead in the first place. Has anyone else, besides me, been guilty of that? Are you a planner? I can, most assuredly, answer that question in the affirmative. The calendar I carry in my purse is covered with sticky notes, reminding me to write the reminders written on them onto my calendar! Who else can relate? Did you know that God is a planner, too? He says it very plainly in Jeremiah 29:11… “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.” I’m sure most of you have heard this scripture at some point in your life and I know it’s been the senior quote in more than a few yearbooks. But, I truly wonder how many read the verses following it? Verses 12 & 13 go on to say this. “Then you will call on Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.” I don’t believe verse 11 should ever be quoted without 12 & 13 following it! Without them, you miss the entire meaning. God definitely has a plan but we must call on Him in prayer and, in return, He promises to listen. His plan will be revealed when we seek Him. When we ask Him about His plan for our lives. Somehow I don’t think this means to come up with a plan we like, expect God to comply, and call it good. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve come up with my own agenda then asked God to bless it. And you know what? That method failed every.single.time. We need to seek His heart with all our heart. How can He show us where to go, what to say, who to date, or even who to marry unless we talk to Him about it with a contrite heart and no ulterior motive? God knows the intent of our heart. He knows our motives. We are an open book to Him. And if we come to Him with our own ideas and our own agenda, we’ll end up disappointed every time. Like most little girls, I dreamed about my wedding day. Not only did I dream

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Planted

Leave a Comment / Healing, Hope, Strength / /

It’s dark here. Wait. Where’s here? Where am I? How did I get here? What happened? Where did everyone go? I was just laughing with the kids. The babies! Oh, my goodness! Where are my babies? I can’t see. It’s so dark. Shouldn’t I be cold? I’ve always associated darkness with cold. Not sure why. That’s weird. There’s light somewhere close. I can’t see it and yet, I know it’s there. Am I alone? Is anyone else here? Why won’t someone answer me? Oh, wow! that hurts. Where is that pain coming from? Maybe it’s my legs. Sometimes my legs hurt if I sit too long. But am I sitting? I can’t really tell. It’s uncomfortable here but, at the same time, I’m secure. Protected. I’m held, somehow. How does that make sense? Okay. It’s not my legs and it doesn’t seem to be my arms. I don’t think I’m injured anywhere. I can’t feel any wounds on the outside. No, it’s not external. Definitely not external. But it’s tangible pain so it must be coming from somewhere. It’s deeper. An aching somewhere deep inside me. I don’t recognize it. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this type of pain before. Is it in my mind? Sometimes I have a vivid imagination. Wait! What? What? My heart! It’s my heart? It’s…my…heart! Am I having a heart attack? I need to get help! Now! Oh no! The pain is getting stronger. And what is this tightening around my chest? Why is it so dark? I can’t breathe! Someone, please help me! I don’t want to die here. Alone. In this dark place! Can anyone hear me? Please. Hear me. Wait. Okay. Calm down, you! Listen for a second. Do you hear it? It’s quiet. Strangely, peacefully quiet. Yet I’m very much aware of a sound. How can I be in such a dark place yet sense light? Seemingly alone yet feel held? Feeling pain, acutely aware no amount of medicine will relieve, yet feel a soothing touch? Strangely quiet yet aware of a sound? Okay. I’m dead. I must be dead. Well, maybe. I don’t know what I think anymore! Okay. I don’t think I’ve died. But something has. I don’t feel complete. Something is missing. Wait! Is that a voice? Yes! It’s a voice! Hallelujah! I’m not here in this dark place alone. Hello. Heeelllooo? Who is it? What? Is it really You, Jesus? Are You here? You are? Oh. Thank You for coming to get me. Let’s get out of here. It’s dark and uncomfortable. Not sure how I ended up here. It must be a drea… What? What did You say? He did what? Nooooooooooooooo!! But why? Why would he do that? Wwwwwwwhhhhhhhyyyyyyy? How could he do that to me? He chose another? Has a second family? A second life? He betrayed me? But we’ve been together so long. He’s rejected me? Ohhhhhhh! Everything is becoming painfully clear now. Ohhhhhhh the pain! The pain, Jesus! My heart. It’s not a heart attack. It’s a heart assault!  Why didn’t I see it? I did? Then why didn’t I do something? Say something? Yes. I did. I tried so many times to talk to him. He wouldn’t talk to me. I was afraid it would be true. I felt something years ago but didn’t want to face it. I’ve actually feared it. Yes. I know it. The worst of my fears has come true, what I’ve dreaded most has happened. ~ Job 3:25  From the time we were married, I feared he’d abandon me. Jesus? Why didn’t You stop him? Right. I know that. You never force Your way on anyone. You want to be chosen. I get that. Why is this happening now? What am I going to do? I don’t understand, Jesus. Where am I going to live? Okay. Deep breath, you! Ahhhhhh. A bit better now. Jesus? I’m ever so much older than 19. How can I start over? All by myself? And alone? Oh. I know, Jesus. I’m not alone. Ever. I always have You. Yes, I trust You. Well, I think I do. No. No, wait. I know I do! Yes, I remember You telling me that. It was several years ago. I know. You were preparing me. Even then. You told me I needed to get to the place in my life where I’d be content if it was just us. You and me. We’re at that place now, aren’t we? ((Sigh)) Jesus? Why are we here? Oh, and by the way, where is here? What did You say? I don’t think I heard You quite right. Your shadow? I’m in Your shadow? Oh. Now that clears things up. Not! Yes. That day is etched in my memory forever. And I’d choose You again. You know that, right? Yes. That was a silly question. You know my heart like no other. And, now, I’m in Your shadow. And I’m covered? How? With Your hand. WOW! You picked me up, set me aside, covered me with Your hand, and now I’m resting in Your shadow? I’m what? Planted? Did You say planted? Okay. Don’t mind telling You, Jesus. That’s a little weird. How can I be planted? Yes. I know what David wrote in the first few verses of his first Psalm. I think I can paraphrase it. Blessed (happy) is the man (or woman, in my case) who doesn’t listen to the advice of or follow the example of the wicked or share in the ways of a sinner and doesn’t sit down to rest with those who ridicule; but her delight is in God’s ways and she meditates on His word. She is like a consistent and steady tree, firmly planted by a stream of water, that will produce her fruit when it’s time. Her leaves never wither and whatever she does will come to maturity. ~ Personal Paraphrase of Psalm 1:1-3 So, I’m a tree? Oh, not yet. I’m a seed,

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Triggered to Praise

Leave a Comment / Encouragement, Healing, Hope / /

It came from out of nowhere. I had an appointment across town so I decided to take a back road to save time. In hindsight, I wish I’d have thought it through a little more carefully. The back road took me into the area I spent 20 years of my life. As I crossed over the highway that led to the home my ex and I built together to retire in, the memories flooding my mind weren’t ones of missing him or even missing that house. The memories overwhelming me were ones of abuse, pain, and heartache. I was triggered. The type of trigger I’m referring to, as defined by Webster’s dictionary, is anything that reminds you of previous trauma. To be triggered is to experience an intense and, usually, negative emotional or physical reaction, such as a panic attack. My reaction was completely unexpected and came out of nowhere. One minute, I was driving along and the next, I could hardly breathe, the road in front of me became blurry as my eyes filled with tears, and all I wanted to do was get away from there. Processing through the hurtful events we’ve experienced is hard and excruciating. Sometimes when memories fill our mind, they certainly don’t take into consideration we might be driving down the Interstate or standing in the checkout line at Wal Mart. I know I’ve had to pull off to the side of the road more than once to get the tears under control and I’ve had more than a few strange looks in the grocery store. Sound familiar? After my divorce was final, I was in a very dark place. I didn’t sleep and I didn’t eat. It was all I could do to get myself through the work day. Dealing with grief and the constant ache in my heart was exhausting. When I crawled into bed each night, I played praise and worship music to calm the unrest in my mind and soothe the ache in my heart…then I’d pray for sleep to find me. I was completely empty and I couldn’t think of anything better to fill up that void than listening to beautiful voices praising Jesus in worship. I had long since lost my own voice. It had been pushed somewhere into the background and it just became easier and easier to not search for it. I don’t know exactly where or even when it happened. Probably somewhere between the contempt and the rejection and the betrayal and the abandonment. In the myriad of emotions that seemingly plagued my brain and my heart every second, my love for singing beautiful worship songs was left behind. Buried under the anguish in the basement of my heart. One evening after work, I got into my car, and completely broke down. It hadn’t been a stressful day but the sheer energy it took to paste a smile on my face for those around me, was too much for the brokenness in my tormented soul. I didn’t think the tears would ever stop. When I was finally able to gain some composure, the still small voice of the Spirit whispered… You need to praise Me. What, Jesus? You must praise Me. Oh, Jesus…how can I offer You praise when I’m such a broken mess? Trust Me, My child. That’s the best time to do it. I didn’t say praise the circumstances. Praise Me in the circumstances. But it hurts so much. I don’t even know if I have it within me anymore. I know it hurts. Please trust Me. Worship Me. Praise Me. My car had suddenly become holy ground. I felt I should’ve removed my shoes and been on my face because, in that moment, the Holy Spirit had completely filled that space. And with His sweet presence, overwhelming peace. Jesus wasn’t put off by my attitude, my brokenness, or the painful mess I was caught up in. He embraced me in the middle of it. Before I left the parking lot, praise was being lifted. At first, I was only listening but the words of worship set to music stirred something deep inside of me. It felt as if the praise that had been trapped for so long in the basement of my heart, started to break through. It had been so long since I’d sung anything but through the lump stuck in my throat and with tears still stinging my eyes, I started to sing… “Your promise still stands, Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness; I’m still in Your hands, This is my confidence, You’ve never failed me yet…” Did lifting those beautiful words change my circumstances? No, they did not but they began to change me. The more I sang, the lighter I felt. The sadness wasn’t as heavy. The pain not as painful. I felt hope well up in my heart. It’s the best I’d felt in a very long time. By the time I pulled into the driveway at the house, I think I may have even smiled. I made a covenant with Jesus that night. I promised Him no matter what I was feeling or what was happening or even if the circumstances didn’t change, I would praise Him! Through the tears. Through the heartache. Through all the things that seemed unfair. I chose to praise Him. The enemy knows our weakness. He cannot read our minds but he’s very observant. He watches us and keeps track of the places in our lives where weakness wins. I’m sure he gets enjoyment out of blindsiding us with a memory, a song, or even a smell to trigger the grief we’re so desperate to be healed from. His goal is to get our eyes off Jesus and onto the pain, the grief, or the situation at hand. He doesn’t want us to praise Jesus. He doesn’t want us turning our eyes to the only One who can comfort our broken hearts or give us hope in the middle of the

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The Letter

2 Comments / Encouragement, Healing, Hope / /

I found a letter. It began with fond memories derived from her childhood dreams of marrying the man God had chosen especially for her. While hopeful that I was about to read a wonderful love story, it suddenly took a very dark turn. After the first paragraph, I realized it had been written by a very distraught, very broken woman. It felt as if I were intruding and yet, being made privy to the private, deep pain of a woman trapped in an abusive relationship, I felt a connection with her. I felt sorry for her. Who was she? Did she truly feel this man was God’s best for her? She had said as much in the first few words. But how? How could she possibly have felt that way? The actions of this man she described clearly portrayed that he did not love her. As I continued reading her lament, my heart was broken. Here was a woman so clearly in love with a man who could, at any moment, cast her aside without a second thought! As if she were nothing more than an obstacle to his happiness and yet, she was willing to forgive him. I sensed her struggle and confusion as she had also written, several times over, she would let him go, if that is what he truly wanted. Even after 33 years of marriage, she was willing to let him go just to make his life easier.  I could feel her agony as she begged him to love her again…if he ever did in the first place. I wanted to wrap my arms around her to somehow bring comfort to a heart that was clearly crushed. What kind of relationship was this? It clearly was not one of mutual love and respect. I cringed as I read her repeated apologies to him for the natural changes that had occurred in her body as she aged, none of which can be controlled. Then for her to volunteer to move into another room in their house just so he doesn’t have to feel uncomfortable when he looks at her? Really? What kind of monster is he? Did he really think she didn’t know how he truly felt? She told of feeling his eyes perusing her body as if he were hoping to find something to judge her for. The letter went on to list her suspicions of his questionable behavior and the stories and excuses that didn’t make sense. The words told of her daily struggle to be everything he desired only to fall short of his ideal every.single.time. She had exhausted every attempt to gain his attention. She told of choosing to knowingly nag him over little things just so he’d acknowledge her existence and engage her in conversation…even if it was negative. What more could she do? Should she do? I wanted to tell her to leave this abusive, controlling man, and run as fast as she could in the opposite direction. But could she? Did she have a safe place she could run? Could she survive on her own? Would anyone help her? Worse yet, would this man even notice if she were gone? Would he even care? This letter was clearly a desperate cry for help. Did he hear her? Who else could she turn to if not the man she had committed her life to? How could she tell anyone else of her suspicions? Could she even prove them? Did she need to? Perhaps she could go to her pastor? Or a trusted friend? Maybe she could find help through one of them. Yet, if she truly felt she could, wouldn’t she have done so already? WHY don’t you see her? You clearly do not know what a rare treasure she is! Oh, Lord Jesus! Please deliver this woman who is so desperate to be loved and validated that she’s willing to stay with this narcissistic man, for the mere crumbs he’s willing to throw at her feet now and then! Then the questions…oh, the unanswered questions that tormented her mind. I could sense her resolve to want answers and yet, at the same time, her fear to actually know them. She told of patiently waiting in anticipation for him to come home from work each night, only to hear his cold and empty excuses for why he was late…again. I could feel her deep disappointment as she wrote of the few times she’d asked him to sit up with her to talk before going to bed…and the only answer received was his deep sigh of frustration and angst for her having the audacity to even make such a suggestion. I am sure she’s felt all these things before now. She’s had to. Hasn’t she? How could she live like this? I imagine she constantly wondered where he was, who he was with, or what excuse he’d come up with next. Has she ever confronted him face to face? Perhaps she was afraid. Perhaps she’s been down that path before. Did she ever tell anyone how he treated her? Could she? Or was she too ashamed? Did she put on a happy face in the morning before she went out to face the world each day? This letter broke my heart. This woman was trapped with no answers to her questions. I’m sure she had many more but perhaps she’d asked them all before. Would they have made a difference anyway? Would she have received truthful answers? Somehow I seriously doubt it. Her words were ones of surrender but I could feel a quiet strength beneath it all. This letter seemed to be her last attempt to reach out to this man she loved before giving up completely. She clearly stated that she could no longer be his doormat nor could she bear his constant unspoken judgement. You may be surprised to learn that I know this woman. In fact, I am very close to her. I know her heart

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Untangled Joy

Leave a Comment / Healing, Hope / /

Christmas. It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Peace on earth, good will toward men.* Perhaps for some…but not for all. More-often-than-not, I have found the Christmas season stirs emotion far from a wonderful time, absent of good will towards anything, and completely devoid of peace. While some may put on a happy face and try to pretend everything is fine, deep within their soul, they are grieving a loss, suffering from depression, healing from some type of pain, or dealing with an event that was completely unexpected. For others, Christmas triggers memories that once brought joy but now only remind of betrayal, rejection, and abandonment. Sometimes, the reality of where many are this time of year, gets lost amid tinsel and trees…carols and cocoa…lights and laughter. Living in this fallen world is overwhelming at times. There are those who can only see the tangled mess their lives have become or what is missing and joy and hope elude them. Oh, how I understand this. Have lived this. In the process of this. I get this. As a child, Christmas at my house was something I looked forward to. My daddy was a cabinetmaker by trade and didn’t make lots of money but he and my mom always made sure my siblings and I had one or two very special gifts under the beautifully lit tree. With each passing day on the December calendar, the anticipation of what was under the tree brought excitement and joy. This was the one time in the year we received special gifts from our parents simply because they loved us and wanted to bring us joy. There is one Christmas I remember more than any other. I can’t remember how old I was (maybe 7 or 8) when I received a precious little baby doll. I named her Joy because I was filled with joy from the moment I saw her. Joy came with all the special “baby” accessories that made the gift of her complete. I had everything I needed and spent hours pretending and dreaming of when I’d have babies of my own I knew would bring me even more joy. We moved when I was in high school and somehow Joy was misplaced in all the shuffle. I had planned to save her for my own little girls to play with someday. I looked through every box and even the trash but I didn’t ever find her. I had lost my Joy. As the years passed and I grew older, Christmas was still special but I started to notice that excitement and joy weren’t as prominent in my emotions. That is, until I met him. He was home on leave and we spent ten magical days together during the Christmas season. At that time in my life, he was my dream come true. The 31st day on that December calendar, ended with a marriage proposal, a diamond ring, and plenty of excitement and joy. I felt as if my life had just begun and was only going to get better. During my marriage, God blessed my life with three children and I was overcome with the immense joy I had dreamed of as a child. My heart was overwhelmed with fervent love at each birth because everything was falling into place, just as I dreamed it would. Christmas was always a big deal at our house. The gifts under the tree were excessive, to say the least, but to watch my children’s faces light up at the sight of what they’d received, brought a lot of joy. One memory that will be forever etched into my mind happened every Christmas. Before the days of pre-lit Christmas trees, if you desired lights, you had to purchase them separately. I’ve always marveled at new Christmas lights when taken from the box. They’re securely bound together yet flexible enough to serve the designed purpose, and completely unblemished. But once removed, they have to be pulled and stretched to ensure they’re manageable enough to be wrapped around the tree branches. Most of the time, these new lights would end up strung out all over the floor and completely tangled up. Or, worse yet, one of the lights would loosen during the stretching process or would be missing all together. When that would happen, it meant carefully checking each bulb or the entire strand wouldn’t work. All the lights on the strand had to be connected for them to work as they were designed. However, after what seemed like hours of watching my former spouse fight with them, once each bulb was intact, glowing with light, and in place on the tree, they were beautiful. The living room took on a warm, soft glow that was very peaceful. After Christmas was a different story. Between placement and removal, he’d forgotten how he’d twisted them around the branches and the tangled mess would ensue. Every year he fussed and fought with Christmas tree lights and the memory of that still makes me laugh. He had no patience whatsoever and, eventually, that years lights ended up where all the others had gone before them…either tossed into a box and stored away in the attic or were rejected all together and thrown out. It was just easier to toss them aside or throw them in the trash. He could always get new ones for next years tree. While the memory of those Christmas lights brings laughter, it also brings searing pain. The irony of how my life with him compares to those Christmas lights, shoots an arrow of deep pain into my heart. When our relationship began, I was secure in my life yet knew I could adjust to whatever God had purposed and designed for me, with my heart completely unblemished by the world. I was young, very impressionable, with a desire to make him happy so it didn’t take long before I was pulled in several different directions with my values and convictions being stretched

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