Relationship

When Mercy Found Me

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I was a Pharisee. When you grow up in church, sometimes you acquire a false sense of security. Being that it’s something you’ve always known, you tend to think you’ll earn God’s “favor” because your parents are Christians. At least that’s the way it was for me. But I was wrong. I grew up in a Christian home and have been in church for as far back as I can remember. My parents were leaders in everything that was worship and service. My dad led the music and served as an usher. My mom taught Sunday school, Vacation Bible School, sang in the adult choir, and was a special music soloist quite often. In my younger years, I sat with my grandma Childers during the worship services. She dressed so beautifully and always wore a hat which made her look like a movie star to me. She brought snacks and always had paper and pencils at the ready if I became fidgety or started whispering. My grandma was always prepared. The Childers/Sager families were in church every time the doors were opened and we always went together. But wasn’t that the right thing to do? I always thought so. At the age of 8, I attended Vacation Bible School just as I had every summer up to that point. I recall story time not being as much fun as snacks and recess. I remember I felt uneasy when my teacher told of a man named Jesus who died for me. He died on a cross for my sin. What sin? I’m only 8 years old. What sin could I have possibly committed? (Little did I know, that one thought was setting me up for a lot of internal pain for most of my life). At the end of one particular story time, I remember my teacher asking me if I wanted to ask Jesus into my heart. I thought it a rather strange question at the time. How can a man come into my heart? Of course I told her yes because what child doesn’t want to be obedient to her teacher? She and the church pastor took me into this little side room and shut the door. I don’t recall what I said or how I said it or if they said it for me but when I came out of that little room, I was Jenny Sager, the newest church convert and a candidate for baptism. When I look back and think about that experience now, it caused all kinds of confusion in my young mind. It’s vitally important, when presenting the gospel to children (or to anyone for that matter), to ensure it is understood what sin is, what it means to repent, and to believe in Jesus. Repeating a prayer that someone else tells you to isn’t what saves your soul. It’s realizing sin separates you from a Holy God, then by grace, through faith, believing in what Jesus did when He sacrificed His life and died on the cross, asking Him for forgiveness, and surrendering your very life to His Lordship. In that moment, you receive the gift of the Holy Spirit of God, Who takes up residence in your heart. At the age of 8, it was not explained to me in this way and in turn, I received a false sense of security. I believed because I’d repeated that prayer, I was good to go. Fast forward to my teen years. I was part of the youth group at church so we all sat in the back row of the sanctuary so we could hold hands with our latest crush, pass notes back and forth, or whisper to our best friend. We were typical kids. I listened to the sermons, for the most part, but whenever the preacher or evangelist talked about sin and needing to be saved, I somehow tuned those words out. To be honest, they scared me a little. But I was saved when I was 8 at VBS. I was a shoo-in to make it into heaven. Surely God would let me in because I’d repeated the sinners prayer and had never done anything wrong like murder someone or lie or steal. I was a good kid. Besides that, my high school friends would always come to me when something was wrong in their life and ask me to pray for them. Yep, Jennifer Sager was the Christian girl to go to when you needed God to fix something that you’d done wrong. She could pray it right out of you. I graduated from high school in May of 1981. I was only 17 at the time and not really ready to venture out into the world yet so I lived with my parents and became their housekeeper. My mom and dad both had to work hard to make ends meet so I was glad I could be there to help them by keeping up with the dishes, the laundry and the vacuuming. I really didn’t have any idea where my life was going at that point. I figured I’d get married someday but I lived all the way out in the country. What guy was going to find me out there? I tried not to think about it much. My self-esteem was pretty low as I thought myself homely with messed up teeth, short bitten off fingernails, and glasses. I didn’t hold out much hope for a guy to find me so I resigned myself to be an old maid and live with my parents. Well, I didn’t end up an old maid. I was married in April of 1983. Three days after the wedding, I moved away from the only home I’d ever known and started following my husband (as he was at that time) around the globe with the US Army. Over the years, we joined a baptist church in every new place we moved. We always ensured our kids were in Sunday School and

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Signed, Sealed, Surrendered

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Jack didn’t like his English class. When my eldest grandson was six, he really struggled with English. It was his least favorite subject in school because he didn’t understand how it worked. He said there were no set rules for it because it had too many exceptions. He said, “Words are used in so many different ways and can mean so many different things.” He’s absolutely right. Our language does have a lot of words that can mean different things. For example, the word love. We love our spouse but we also love coffee. We love our children but we also love to go shopping. Same word. Totally different meaning. I know I can’t do anything to change how the English language is structured but I can do something about the way I speak it from my mouth. Lives today are so busy. We have so many things to keep up with and so many things to do. In the past, I haven’t always stopped and truly thought about the meaning of my words and how they may have affected others. Have you ever felt that way? Sometimes we say things so flippantly. Do we really mean it when we say we’ll pray for someone going through a hard or painful time? Do we actually pray for them or do we say it just because it sounds good or perhaps, we fully intend to actually pray for them but then get caught up in life and never get around to it? I have pondered this very thing in my own life for quite some time. I don’t want my words to be flippant. I don’t want words to come out of my mouth just because I think they are what others want to hear or because I’m angry or frustrated. I want the words I speak to be genuine, sincere, and absolute. Instead of saying something to possibly fill an awkward silence, I need to wait until the Spirit speaks a word into my heart then share it. Then, if He leads, pray right then and there. If He doesn’t speak, I need to be quiet. I want to be sensitive enough to hear Him and listen intently to what He wants me to do when He wants me to do it. “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.” ~ Psalms 19:14 ESV Take a few minutes and really think about what this verse is saying. The mediation of my heart. What do I allow my heart to meditate on? Meditate means: to engage in contemplation or reflection; to spend time in quiet thought; to plan or project in the mind. So, what do I spend my time thinking about? What is acceptable in God’s sight? Are the things my mind dwells on and the words I allow to come out of my mouth acceptable to my Lord? My desire is to always be pleasing to Him but I know that many, many times, I fall short of His ideal. I’m so thankful for His amazing grace and forgiveness. In Matthew 12:34, Jesus said out of the overflow (or abundance) of the heart is what we speak. I want to think like Jesus does and speak love and blessing but more often than not, something flippant comes flying out of my mouth before I even think about what it may mean or even how it may sound. “But no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so.”                      James 3:8-10 ESV I am so thankful for God’s living word. The verse above is as true today as it was back when James penned it. Times may have changed but people haven’t. That’s why I need to allow the Holy Spirit of the Living God to flood my heart and mind with Himself so my words can be pleasing and acceptable to Him. Along with that, I need to allow Him to convict me over things in my life that need to go. To have a willing heart to surrender things that don’t bring Him honor, glory, or praise. “All to Jesus, I surrender. All to Him, I freely give. I will ever love and trust Him. In His presence daily live. I surrender all. I surrender all. All to Thee, my blessed Savior. I surrender all.” ~ Lyrics by Judson W. Van Deventer (1896) ~ Music by Winfield S. Weeden This is a beautiful old hymn and one of my favorites. What does it truly mean to surrender, as this beautiful hymn says? True, heart-felt surrender; not to just say it or think it because it sounds good or makes one feel better. Surrender: the act of allowing yourself to be influenced or controlled by someone or something; to yield to the power, control, or possession of another. Isn’t that what we did when we believed the gospel, repented of our sin, then asked Jesus to save us? To give Him control? In our world, there are outward acts or universal signs that represent surrender. Waving a white flag, raising both arms into the air, or throwing in the towel. But what, exactly, does it mean to surrender things to God? Is there an outward act or a sign we use to show this? Can you change your mind and walk away as if you never surrendered at all? Are there consequences to that choice? In a public setting, the only outward act or sign that may suggest surrender to God, would be to get on our face before Him or raising our hands to Him in

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The Rant and the Whisper

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I had a pity party last week. I haven’t had one of those in a very long time and even this one was very unexpected. Everything in my life had been going well then WHAM! The summer heat is in full force here in Bama and the humidity has been stifling so I tend to stay indoors as much as possible. But, I needed a break from work so I went outside to get some fresh air and check the mailbox. There’s only one step from my porch to the sidewalk but I missed it. Somehow, I stepped off of it on the side of my foot and down I went. There was nothing to grasp to right myself and, before I knew it, I was on the ground. It took a minute for me to realize what had happened but once I did, I sat there on my sidewalk and cried for about ten minutes. Not because I was in pain, even though I was, but because I immediately felt old, needy, and very much alone. Whhhhhhyyyyyyy?? I am NOT supposed to be doing life alone. I should have someone here to help me when things like this happen. I shouldn’t be sitting here, on my sidewalk, in the middle of the afternoon, in the Alabama heat and humidity, crying because I just fell off my front porch! Why am I alone at my age, God? He promised to be with me forever. I shouldn’t be alone…yet, here I am… Has that ever happened to you? Life is going well then WHAM! You get the wind knocked out of you and everything, and I mean everything, takes thirty steps back? Somehow, I managed to pull my overweight body up off the sidewalk, hobbled back up the one small step that had just taken me down, and got back into the coolness of my home. I tried to go back to work but my mind was not focused on it as it should’ve been. All I could think about was how unfair my life was at that moment. I wanted to clock out and fall into my bed but fought through those feelings and completed my eight hours. The rest of the week was awful. I could not get out of the funk I had fallen into and did not know why. I took offense at every email and every text message from my co-workers. I just wanted to hide. When my daughter found out about my fall (of course I hadn’t told anyone about it; trying to be strong, brave, and all that), she told me I needed to go to the chiropractor to be adjusted so my body would heal properly and to ensure I hadn’t broken anything. I was fairly confident I hadn’t because I could still move my wrist and my ankle but you never know. I promised her I would and made an appointment for the next afternoon. On the way to the appointment, the Spirit very gently impressed on my heart that I was under a  Spiritual attack and I immediately knew why. This is the verbal, one-sided conversation against the enemy that ensued. Ohhhhhhh, I know what you’re doing! You’re attacking me because I drove by the house last Sunday, aren’t you? And you can’t handle the fact that the fear you had me bound up in, had been broken with one swift drive by a piece of real estate that was part of my old life! You have NO AUTHORITY over me and in the name of Jesus Christ and by the power of His blood that covers me, I send you back to the pit of hell where you belong. For “greater is He who is in me than he that is in the world.” Get back under my feet where you belong. I am “more than a conqueror in Christ Jesus” and you have no place in my life nor any authority over me whatsoever. Then I prayed… Thank You, Jesus, for Your constant presence and for showing me this past week of events has been a full-on attack from my enemy. I ask You to forgive me for my pity-party rant and to heal my body from the fall. There are times I have to remind myself I am still in the healing process. Very much so, as a matter of fact. I am human and just a sinner saved by grace so there will be those ranting moments I know, deep in my soul, do not bring my LORD glory. However, because He loves me so much, He won’t let me stay where it’s easy to stay. He whispers. He convicts. He shows me where I’m wrong and out of sorts. He asks me to trust Him. He reminds me to be thankful for my blessings instead of complaining about what I think should be.  During this time of healing and renewal, I have found a few things I thought were behind me, actually are not. A huge one being my previous house. It came up in my last counseling session and I am praying though all of it now. I’m trying to pinpoint exactly what the issue is. The Spiritual attack I’d been experiencing happened just a few days after I’d finally driven past the house I lived in for nine years with my former spouse. The enemy was mad the stronghold of fear he had me wrapped up in, was broken in just a few seconds. He liked having me there. It was one area he constantly poked me in the eye with. But, no more. Now that the chains of the stronghold have been broken, God will help me navigate through the myriad of emotions still keeping me attached to that place of residence. In the mean time, I wait on my LORD. I am so thankful for the still, small voice of my Father and how He whispers. I can be mid-rant and,

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That’s Grace

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How do you define grace? Some say grace before a meal. Some walk with grace. Some behave with grace. Some stay in your good graces. Some bow out with grace. Some gardens or walkways can be graced with flowers. Some faces have graced the covers of magazines. Some grace us with their presence. Some are even called Your Grace. On and on it goes. However, for me, the meaning of this word goes much deeper. My entire life and eternity are based on this one word. If it weren’t for grace, I’d be lost forever. God is stretching me again. Just when I think I’ve put something behind me, or have learned something new and have a grasp on it, He takes me deeper. And going deeper means I truly have to examine my heart and see what’s really in there. Is my flesh going to win with this one or will it be something that changes the way I look at things forever and see them the way God sees them? Is grace something you do? Is grace something you give? Is it something you are? Is it something you choose? Something you walk in? Is it for some and not for others? Does it depend on the circumstances? Is it unconditional or are strings attached? Grace is defined as unmerited favor. Unmerited: underserved; unwarranted. Favor: Approval, a special privilege or right granted. Hmmmmm. So, in a nutshell, unmerited favor is approval or a special privilege that we don’t deserve. Who even does that? Is it even possible for us to do? That’s exactly what Jesus did when He took our place on the cross. He went willingly. He, who knew NO SIN, became sin for us (2 Corinthians 5:21). Wait just a minute! He took our sin upon Himself then gives us approval that we don’t deserve? What? What incredible, unconditional love!! That’s exactly what He did and what He gives. Oh, what a Savior! Doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, does it? It surely doesn’t to me. But that’s grace! That’s unmerited favor! That’s Jesus! Since we have the Holy Spirit of God living inside us, should we not also bestow this kind of grace on someone who has hurt us? On someone who, perhaps, has broken our heart? On someone who has taken something from us? Or maybe talks about us behind our back or uses us for their own gain? We are to be Christ-like. We are to have His character. We are to have His heart. We are to love like He does. We are to forgive like He does. Is that easy? Ummm…NO!  We cannot do it on our own and in our flesh. Even though we may not understand why God allows some things to touch our lives that are heartbreaking, they are filtered through His loving hands first so they must serve some sort of purpose. We may not know what that purpose is but we must trust our Heavenly Father and know that He is allowing it for a reason. So, what do we do when hurtful situations are allowed to touch us? Do we choose to forgive that person and offer them grace or do we seethe inside and hold a grudge which only causes more damage to ourselves and damages our relationship with Jesus? Oh, and you can certainly count on the enemy to bring it back into our thoughts as much as he can. If he can get us to take our eyes off Jesus and keep us focused on the pain, he has achieved his goal. I, for one, don’t ever want to see the enemy win or get the best of me. And, yet, I allow him to do just that. I know all he is out to do is “steal, kill, and destroy” (John 10:10). Then why do I let him win sometimes? Am I weak or am I just having a weak moment? “Be of sober spirit, be on the alert, your adversary, the devil, prowls about like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” ~ 1 Peter 5:8 NASB Unfortunately, the enemy’s favorite meal is Christians on a Skewer. He hates us. He wants nothing more than to devour and destroy us. He is strong, cruel, fierce, and greedy. If he can get us to fall prey to his lies, he has essentially devoured us. So then, are we hopeless? Are we forever doomed to be in this trap with no way out and no escape? The answer to that, my dear friend, is a resounding NO! The Apostle Peter goes on to say in that same chapter in verse 10, these encouraging words. “After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.” ~ 1 Peter 5:10 NASB Even though the enemy works against us and may even use others as pawns to do his bidding and wreak havoc in our lives, the Apostle Peter reminds us of Whose we are! Do you see that precious word again? The God of all grace. Once we have suffered for a little while, “the God of all grace will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you”. What an amazing promise. Okay, so what about those of us who are caught in the cross fire of the attack? What do we do? Those who have suffered the heart break or have been the recipient of the ridicule or have been used for someone else’s gain? Well, the answer to that is we have a choice to make. We can either hold a grudge, be angry, and try our best to get back at them or we can choose the high road. God’s road. The road of forgiveness. The road of grace. The road of mercy. Even though the first choice would make us feel really good and justified for a season, we’d only

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Satisfaction Guaranteed

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I have been reflecting. Before Tami and I started this online ministry, I had a previous website I started in June of 2015. I had been thinking about having it deleted since I no longer use it and, more importantly, the writings on that site cover the exact time span as the last two and a half years of my marriage. I felt the site had become irrelevant as all the content is from the past and there’s no sense dwelling on what used to be. Especially now that my life is the complete opposite from my existence back then. However, I haven’t had time to pursue that thought any further and I’ve recently learned why. For the past week or so, I have felt compelled by the Spirit to go back to that previous site and read the content posted there. I really didn’t understand the reason for delving into writings from the past, but I have learned to be obedient without asking questions so I did as He asked. There was definitely a reason for the delay in my hasty thought to erase the past. As I’ve said many times in the past, I do not believe in coincidence. I believe God is in control of what happens in my life and His timing is perfect. I believe every event that has transpired in my life thus far, is by design. Every single situation He allows to touch my life has been filtered through His loving hand first. And since I believe He’s in control of it, I know He’ll see me through it. With that being said, I haven’t had the chance to read all of the posts yet but the few I’ve managed to get to, have been very telling. The woman I found myself reading about was constantly worried, an impulsive buyer, used “retail therapy” as a means of coping, an obsessive planner, depressed, anxious, and fearful. Writing after writing told of weak faith, even weaker trust, a bad attitude, and a constant, overwhelming feeling of dread. As I read, I almost started to feel sorry for the person I used to be but then I realized the reason for the reflection. All those previous posts have shown me how very far God has brought me since those days. I am a completely different person today and it’s all because God allowed and used a heart-wrenching, painful event to show me who He is! The myriad of situations I wrote about, complete with all the traits above, were but a training ground to prepare me for the past four years. What God has done in my heart since 2015, is nothing short of a miracle. I used to have a serious obsession with purses. It didn’t matter how many I had in my closet, I rationalized each impulsive purchase with the reasoning I could always use a new one. I would go to the mall and not even be thinking about buying a new one and yet, when I’d walk by the department store Michael Kors or Kate Spade handbag section, it was as if I could hear them calling to me. “Buy me! Buy me! Buy me!” Without fail, I’d find myself at the check out counter, handing my credit card over to the sales associate. Once I got home, I immediately switched all the contents from my perfectly good current purse, to the new one. Oh, and it looked so good. I loved the smell of new leather and, most importantly, the way it made me feel. But you know what? After awhile, the new wore off, the smell of the leather grew faint, and it no longer made me feel happy. The new purse I just had to have, had lost its appeal. Then the next time I’d go to the mall, I’d end up at the same department store handbag section, checking out with the next handbag I just couldn’t live without. It was an endless, vicious cycle, and I was trapped in it. I realize now, I was trapped in that cycle because I was completely empty. I had Jesus, yes, but, at that time, the priorities I’d set for where He stood in my life were completely out of line. It’s painful to admit but my ex-spouse held the highest priority in my heart during our marriage. He came before anything and anyone, to include Jesus and my children. He was an idol, but that’s a subject for another time. When our relationship started to change and he was spending less time at home and more time traveling, I began to search for something to fill the void his absence left. Instead of running full speed into the arms of Jesus, I ran full speed into the arms of retail therapy and very expensive designer handbags. I looked for each new purchase to somehow, miraculously, fill the void in my heart and heal the deep longing in my soul. They did not. The only thing I received from those impulsive shopping sprees was credit card debt, a closet full of empty handbags, and an even emptier heart. God created all of us with an empty space that only He can fill; that only He can satisfy. However, He also created us with a free will so it’s up to us to either choose Him to fill that longing or look for other things to take His place. Things of this would are temporal and do not satisfy and yet, worldly pleasures and indulgences seem to be what most are after. To include me. King Solomon described this as “chasing after the wind.” (Ecclesiastes 1). We have an adversary, the devil, who uses every opportunity to distract and lead us away from God. More often than not, it was quite easy for him to distract me with the simple whiff of new leather. He knew my weakness and used it against me. In John chapter 4, we find the story

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The Cost of Surrender

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I learned a new song at church a few weeks ago. New to me, that is. You may know it. You may have even sung it. As I listened to the words of the chorus, they became very convicting. “I will make room for You, To do whatever You want to, To do whatever You want to.” Really? These words state commitment. These words state “not my will, not my way, not how I want things; I want YOUR will, YOUR way, the way YOU want things, Jesus.” How many of us could truly sing this song and actually mean the words coming from our lips? Can we sing them with conviction and commitment? The song goes on… Here is where I lay it down, Every burden, every crown, This is my surrender, This is my surrender. Here is where I lay it down, Every lie and every doubt, This is my surrender, This is my surrender. I will make room for You, To do whatever You want to, To do whatever You want to. Shake up the ground of all my tradition, Break down the walls of all my religion, Your way is better, Your way is better. Here is where I lay it down, You’re all I’m chasing now, This is my surrender, This is my surrender.” ~ Written by Trinity Anderson This is a beautiful praise song and the words so heart felt. They stir up a lot of emotion. As I listened to them being sung, they took me back to a day a little over four years ago now. Seems like it was only yesterday. My entire life, the lives of my children, and the lives of my grandchildren were forever changed with a few simple, whispered words. “Yes, Jesus. I choose You.” That was my surrender and it changed my life forever. I do not regret my decision to surrender nor do I regret the events that have transpired since. I know they were God’s will and path for my life. Now. But at the time, the only thing I knew was I trusted Him with my entire being and I knew that no matter what happened beyond that moment, He would be in control and take care of me. I surrendered. Everything. And it was incredibly painful. However, I have come to realize something I didn’t know back then. ~ God is in the Details ~ In the pivotal moment I surrendered everything, I truly expected God to restore my marriage. I don’t remember praying for God to restore it; just seemed like a given. Divorce wasn’t even on my radar. The word never even crossed my mind. We were both raised with parents who had been married for years and divorce just didn’t happen. I just knew he’d feel the same way. I’d been with him from the age of 19. He practically raised me. He taught me everything I knew. I could not imagine my life without him. After all, he loved me as I loved him. We could get through anything, just as we’d done for years. When his lies were brought to light, I asked him why he cheated on me and how in the world he could choose another after all the years we’d been together. You can imagine my shock and disbelief when I heard him say, “I just wanted to be happy and I’m not willing to save our marriage.” No emotion. No remorse. No empathy. Just very matter of fact. Even though he had pathologically lied to me up to that point, I knew those words he spoke, were truth. He willingly, consciously chose to go his own way and not look back. He chose to turn his back on me, our children, and our grandchildren; never to return. At first, I believe I was in shock. I thought he loved me as I loved him. Clearly, that was not the case. I was completely broken. Shattered is really more like it. Yet, even in the grief, I knew I’d made the right choice. I wanted Jesus more than I wanted him. Even in the brokenness, I was at peace, my mind resolute, and I knew I’d be okay. As long as I had Jesus, I knew I’d make it through. You might be wondering how those emotions can possibly be felt all at the same time. Seems like you’d feel one way or the other, right? But, when you know Jesus and have a personal relationship with Him, you know feelings such as these co-mingle quite often. Peace in pain. Serenity in sorrow. Grace in grief. I don’t completely understand how it happens but I can testify that it does. I have lived it and experienced it over and over myself and it’s the only way I want to live. With Jesus in control. With Jesus in the lead. With Jesus guiding my every step. When I chose God over my ex, I meant it. With all my heart, I meant it. Which brings me back to the song above. As these words fell on my ears during worship, I could’t help but wonder how many around me realized what they were singing. Did they truly understand the magnitude of what it means to surrender? Or were they just song lyrics, on a big screen, being sung without considering their message? In Matthew 16:24 and following, Jesus spoke these words. “Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wants to come after Me, he must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.” ~ Matthew 16:24-25 NASB What does it mean to deny oneself? It’s a pretty tall order to deny our own wants and desires. For myself, it seems to be a daily surrendering of what I think I want for my life. My emotions fluctuate from one day to the next.

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Surrendered Silence

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Have you ever looked up the definition to the word noise? I know. It’s an odd question. I imagine you’re probably wondering why I would ask such a random question and why in the world would you ever need to look up the meaning of a word that is somewhat self-explanatory. Everyone knows what noise is, right? However, I was curious to see how the dictionary defines it. I was also curious to learn what other words could possibly be used to describe a word that, pretty much, describes itself. So, I looked it up and, after once reading it, I knew I had found the one definition that had described the word perfectly. “Noise: incomprehensibility resulting from irrelevant information or meaningless facts or remarks”. Now, why the quest to know the dictionary meaning of this word? It wasn’t just to know a random bit of information nor was it because I was simply intrigued by it. I wanted to learn its definition because the enemy has been using it as a weapon in his arsenal against me. It’s what the enemy has had me focused on to consume my mind. And he was succeeding. He was filling my thoughts with irrelevant information and meaningless facts until I could no longer comprehend anything! And, worst of all, it had started to drown out the still, small voice of my Savior. Which is exactly what he wanted. Noise. Noise. Noise! When I joined the social media platform, Telegram, it was so I could keep up with the goings-on in the world but maintain distance from the main stream media, as I do not trust them nor do I believe one word of the news they report. I had joined several Telegram channels to follow, most of which reported news from a Godly perspective. There were others I followed just because they were sources I knew to be trust-worthy. Although these channels put out truthful information, after several days in a row of reading them over and over, all of it had become too much. I knew I had to delete several channels so as not to continue to overwhelm my mind. So, one morning, I did just that. My mind had become like that of a pin-ball machine. I was allowing it to be filled with so much information and so many different voices, I was pinging from one opinion to the next until it felt as if I were spinning. I’m sure the enemy was laughing at me because he most definitely had me caught up in a whirlwind of information that had just become noise. In and of itself, information is not a bad thing. We need to be informed of what is happening in our world but not so much that it becomes all consuming as it can easily become a weapon in the enemy’s hand. Later that same day, I was listening to His Glory Ministries on YouTube. They were discussing the importance of taking time each day to read God’s word and pray. And while I know having quiet time is basically “Christianity 101” for every day life as a Christ-follower, why is it spending dedicated time with Jesus is what takes the backseat? When I wake up, why is it once my feet touch the floor, life takes over and things start to take precedence over basking in my Savior’s presence? Realizing my choice was the only obstacle standing between me and my soul’s longing for time with my Savior, I chose to remove the obstacle. I chose Him. That night, I went to sleep with a divine appointment on my calendar. I had purposed in my heart that when I woke up, instead of my usual “Thank You for a new day” prayer, I was going to spend some one-on-one time with Jesus. What happened the next morning, was not on my calendar. I woke up before my alarm went off! That never happens! I think Jesus was just as excited as I was to start the day together!  I always pray throughout the day but I knew this time was going to be special. My heart felt eager and hungry. I wanted to hear from Him. My overwhelmed, restless heart and mind needed a word from the Word Himself! If you’ve followed this ministry for any length of time, you know I grew up in church. And, having done so, I recall hearing over and over, “Every good Christian starts their day with quiet time.” So, I did my best to be a good follower. I did my best to follow the plan. If that’s what I was supposed to do, I wanted to be sure to do it. But it always felt as if I’d been guilted into doing it. Like it was just something I had to do to prove myself. But who was I proving myself to? It’s probably why the myriad of quiet times I started over the years, ended just as quickly. But this time was different. I didn’t feel guilted into it and I wasn’t out to prove anything to anyone. There was no agenda on my part. Nope. This time was completely different. I have an old, broken down, comfy chair, with no legs, in the corner of my room that I’ve had for years. It’s the kind of chair you sink into when you sit down. It’s the kind of chair you want to curl up in on a cold, rainy day, with a cup of hot coffee while watching the rain drip slowly from the eaves of the house. It’s the kind of chair that somehow knows your secrets but would never betray you by telling them to anyone. It’s the kind of chair that captured many tears at the end of a very long day. It’s the kind of chair you crawl into while processing the excruciating pain of rejection, heartbreak, and a painful divorce you didn’t want. It’s the kind of chair you go to because you associate it

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“Keep Your Eyes on Me”

Leave a Comment / Encouragement, Hope, Peace, Relationship / /

Have you ever allowed fear to control you? Fear is a very powerful emotion. It causes panic and impulsive decisions. It usually strikes when we least expect it and comes with a rush of adrenaline that makes us want to run for our lives. Ever experienced that? If you answered in the affirmative, you’re definitely not alone. I, too, can raise my hand in agreement. While fear is a very powerful emotion, it does not come from God. The words “fear not” are used 365 times in the Bible. Do you think it’s the desire of God’s heart that His children not live in fear? I would say it’s pretty obvious. 1 Kings 18 & 19, tell the story of Elijah, a mighty prophet of God, who allowed one woman’s threat to make him run in fear for his life. God had just used Elijah to slaughter 450 false prophets of Baal and 400 false prophets of Asherah by calling down fire from heaven. The King’s wife, Jezebel, was angry and vowed to kill Elijah as he had killed her false prophets. When this word reached Elijah, he allowed one thought from his enemy to control his next move. “Elijah was afraid and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, while he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush, sat down under it, and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.” Then he lay down under the bush and fell asleep.” ~ 1 Kings 19:3-5 NIV Elijah was afraid, worn out, frustrated, and wanted to give up. He actually asked God to let him die right then and there. Ever been there? Have you ever been so tried of waiting or weary from grief, heartache, or bad news that you just wanted it to end? I know I have. Elijah was no different. He was every bit a human just like us. And he was weary. All at once an angel touched him and said, “Get up and eat.” He looked around, and there by his head was some bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again. The angel of the Lord came back a second time and touched him and said, “Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you.” So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God. There he went into a cave and spent the night.” ~ 1 Kings 19:6-9 NIV Now, I’ve never been awakened from a nap by the touch of an angel, that I know of, nor has bread and water appeared on my nightstand (which is completely possible) but I understand and relate to Elijah’s feelings. I fought long and hard for my marriage. I spent countless hours on my knees in prayer for my former spouse and nothing ever changed. I went out of my way to do things to make him happy and, quite often, in ways that made me feel ashamed.  All of it a desperate attempt to make him love me. At one time, I had even convinced him to go to counseling, thinking it would heal whatever it was I couldn’t accomplish on my own. It was all in vain. He went to one session and quit. And yet, I continued to fight. I was so convinced there was something I hadn’t tried or some magic words I hadn’t said to win him back. It wasn’t until he looked me in the eye and said, “I’m not willing”, did I accept defeat. It was then I realized it didn’t matter what I had done or what I was doing, I couldn’t make him choose me. I was heartbroken, scared, frustrated, and voiced my disappointment to God, just as Elijah did. Why did I have to spend all those years fighting for a man and a marriage that was doomed from the beginning? What was the point? I was weary, exhausted, and wanted to lay down and die. Then God took me into the wilderness. The following conversation God had with Elijah, reminds me of a few God has had with me. And the word of the Lord came to him: “What are you doing here, Elijah?” He replied, “I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.” The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.” Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.”  ~ 1 Kings 19:10-13 NIV  Often times, we expect God to do this huge, dramatic gesture in our lives because He’s God, right? Or we wait for Him to severely punish us for being weak or for questioning why something heart-wrenching happened to us, or for having a pity party. But God meets us right in the middle of where we are. And, I have found, He doesn’t ever shout. He comes in a whisper. Oh, how the quiet presence of my Father is accompanied by this amazing power to take possession of my heart all over again!  How many times have I expected God to chastise me over some impulsive decision I made out of fear or when I dared voice my discouragement to Him and yet, He completely captivates me,

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When He Whispers

2 Comments / Comfort, Encouragement, Harvest, Hope, Relationship / /

Do you ever get a song stuck in your head and, no matter what you do to make it stop, it just plays over and over and over again? That happened to me today. However, this song was different. It was comforting to have it resounding over and over in my head. Perhaps, it was by design. A gentle reminder of where I belong and to Whom I belong. Albert Brumley wrote this song in 1936 so it may be a little out-dated and a little old-fashioned but it still carries so much truth and amazing comfort. And it’s still one of my very favorites. I had an appointment this morning and the only route there took me by a landmark that instantly reminds me of a few of my ex-husband’s life choices. I usually try to avert my eyes to avoid seeing it but, more often than not, the apprehension starts before I even get there. Just as it did this morning. As the landmark started creeping into view, this comforting song came to mind, as if from no where, and began crowding out the apprehension in my heart. The closer I got to the monument representing sorrowful memories of my past, the louder this anthem rang. It was then I realized it didn’t just come from no where. It was by design. Just as He always does, my Faithful and True had gone before me and prepared the way so as I reached the place where grief usually overwhelms me, glory took its place! This world is not my home, I’m just a-passin’ through, My treasures are laid up, Somewhere beyond the blue, The angels beckon me, From heaven’s open door, And I can’t feel at home in this world anymore. Who am I that the Eternal God of the Universe was already there, waiting, just to whisper this song over me, just to ensure I would drive over 50 yards of familiar pavement, without grief engulfing me? Such love I have never known in this life. It relentlessly pursues me. This unconditional, amazing, abundant love of Jesus. It overwhelms me. I am completely undone. Living in this world, we will experience situations that will hurt us. Sometimes, deeply. Whether the pain is caused by a choice of our own making, by the choice of someone else, or even something completely out of our control, in this world, we will have trouble. Jesus even warned us about it. His words are found in John 16:33. “I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace. In the world you have tribulation and distress and suffering, but be courageous [be confident, be undaunted, be filled with joy]; I have overcome the world.” ~ John 16:33 AMP I’ve driven by that landmark in the next town too many times to count and why God chose to whisper to me in that moment, confirmed several things. First and foremost, He very clearly wanted to remind me that this world is not my home and the painful situations that happen to me as I journey here, are temporal. This world belongs to the enemy of my soul, I am a stranger living here for just a brief moment in time, to do the work He’s called me to do, and, when that’s complete, He’ll call me home. I also know He’s preparing me for the next step in this journey and He doesn’t want my past overshadowing my future. He wants me to be courageous as I drive by that particular piece of real estate and know beyond doubt that what He cut from my life, He did because He loves me. He alone knew what would’ve happened had I stayed in that abusive marriage. He alone knew the plans for my future didn’t include a man who didn’t honor nor respect the woman He created me to be. He also knew, the heartache and grief experienced during that time, would be momentary and would not, could not, compare to what He has waiting for me. He whispered all of that into my heart with just seven short lines of a very old song that brought with them not only revelation, but peace and love beyond comprehension. However, that beautiful moment was not the first time God has whispered to me through music. He does it quite often. I’ve been blessed to have been part of quite a few church choirs and on several praise teams so there’s music written on my heart forever. But, I truly believe, the sweetest songs He brings to the forefront of my mind are the older ones I’ve stored away and have either forgotten or haven’t thought of in a very long time. Just like the precious one above. A few months ago, God reminded me of a song I had first sung, sometime back in 1988, at our church in Alaska. I recall the music minister had been encouraging me to be a soloist. I really didn’t think I had a solo-type voice. (I hadn’t sung by myself since 7th grade when, during a choir concert, my voice cracked right in the middle of a one line solo and all the boys on the back row laughed out loud at me. It was one of the most humiliating moments of junior high. From that moment on, I told myself I’d never sing another solo again. But God had different plans.) I told my music minister I would really pray about it and even went as far as to actually drive to the Jesus store (what my kids have always called the christian bookstore) and look for a song to start working on. Long story short, I not only sang that song, I became a regular on the “special music” rotation. All of that, to say this. It’s the songs I sang in church, all those years ago, when my kids were little, that God is giving back to me now. However, they have taken on a very

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Finding Jenny

2 Comments / Healing, Hope, Relationship / /

I could’ve never foreseen it happening. Who would? It’s certainly not something dreams are made of. It completely caught me off guard. I should’ve been more prepared. After all, the signs were certainly there. Perhaps I didn’t want to accept it. Perhaps it meant I’d failed. But then, I wonder, how do you prepare yourself for heart-wrenching pain? How do you prepare your mind to wrap itself around something so grievous? But You were not caught unawares. You knew it would happen. You saw it before I was even born. I’m sure it weighed heavy on Your heart. As it would any loving Father. You watched me grow up, knowing the pain and heartache that was ahead for me. But yet, You saw the other side. You saw the lessons I’d learn. You saw the battles I’d win in Your name, even though the enemy fought hard against me. Born a month late, with a heart murmur, the doctor said I wouldn’t make it to my six-week check up. He was wrong. By the time I’d reached that milestone, the hole in my heart had healed. It was You. There were two years of wild, midnight rides to the hospital ER. Held within my momma’s arms, as she watched my face turn deeper shades of blue, and my daddy running every red light and stop sign, praying he’d make it in time. I know they were terrified. As any parent would be, feeling helpless, rushing their small child to find a doctor to aid in getting oxygen to fill my lungs so my face would return to its natural color. It’s a miracle I don’t have brain damage. I remember the time the window above the bathtub came crashing down on me and my oldest sister. Had I been sitting in any other spot in the tub, the glass would’ve cut through my jugular vein and I probably wouldn’t have made it to the hospital. But You were there. You either moved me or the falling window to protect my life. Again. When I started to elementary school, I was a small, frail child. I didn’t weigh much more than a minute, as some would say. I recall a period of time when I wasn’t able to keep any food down. It didn’t matter what I ate. Within minutes, it would come back up. I was losing weight every day. I don’t remember being told what caused it. I don’t know if I just grew out of it or if You healed me. I like to believe it was the latter. Once again, Your hand on my life. Eventually, all of the sickness I’d suffered as a young child seemed to be over but reflecting back on it now, the enemy had lost that battle but was preparing for war. As an elementary school girl, my days were spent catching salamanders in the creek, climbing trees, building forts, making mud pies, and splashing in puddles after a spring rain. The country always smelled so fresh after a good rain and it, mixed with the smoke from my Pappy’s fire stove, made for precious memories I still carry in my heart. You and I both know I wasn’t popular in junior high or high school, nor did I care to be. There were some who made fun of me for not having the latest fashion trends or for wearing clothes my mom had made for me. I did have a few friends I spent time with who accepted me for who I was. But they were like me, outcasts…but that didn’t matter to me either. I was just different. I had different values and didn’t care if those around agreed with me or not. You were an outcast, too, so I considered myself in great company. The beat of my heart was You. Still is. All I ever wanted was to please You. Still do. I was fairly quiet, for the most part. I do not recall being a loud person nor did I ever desire to be the center of attention. I was a loner; a thinker. However, the beliefs I held within my heart were deep ones and knew if I were ever to be challenged on them, I’d fight. It was 1981. I was a Senior in high school. I had two classes that were required for me to pass in order to graduate. One was a science class, that focused on evolution and the other, some type of Social Studies course about lifestyles. Knowing I had to pass these in order to receive my diploma was a little disconcerting, as even just the names of these courses stirred something within me. Somehow, I knew I would have to take a stand in each of them. I recall sitting through that science class, disagreeing with everything the teacher was saying about how the world came into being. At first, it made me angry that You were completely disregarded and were never acknowledged as Creator. I knew the truth but clearly, all the teacher was concerned with was getting through the lecture and distributing the assignment. After class, I remember approaching his desk and challenging him on his lecture. He told me I wouldn’t pass unless I participated and turned in my homework. It was then I felt You stirring something within me, then You impressed something on my heart. I went to class, listened to him speak untruth, and I did turn in my homework. However, before each answered question, I wrote this, “The book says the following…”and, from time to time, the margins were filled with scripture. My teacher never mentioned anything to me about it but I had shared truth. You enabled me to take a stand, I wrote Your truth in the margins of my assignment, and I passed. The Social Studies class was a different experience all together. It wasn’t unusual to watch videos or documentaries on controversial subjects. The premise of the

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