I had a pity party last week.
I haven’t had one of those in a very long time and even this one was very unexpected. Everything in my life had been going well then WHAM!
The summer heat is in full force here in Bama and the humidity has been stifling so I tend to stay indoors as much as possible. But, I needed a break from work so I went outside to get some fresh air and check the mailbox. There’s only one step from my porch to the sidewalk but I missed it. Somehow, I stepped off of it on the side of my foot and down I went. There was nothing to grasp to right myself and, before I knew it, I was on the ground. It took a minute for me to realize what had happened but once I did, I sat there on my sidewalk and cried for about ten minutes. Not because I was in pain, even though I was, but because I immediately felt old, needy, and very much alone.
Whhhhhhyyyyyyy?? I am NOT supposed to be doing life alone. I should have someone here to help me when things like this happen. I shouldn’t be sitting here, on my sidewalk, in the middle of the afternoon, in the Alabama heat and humidity, crying because I just fell off my front porch! Why am I alone at my age, God? He promised to be with me forever. I shouldn’t be alone…yet, here I am…
Has that ever happened to you? Life is going well then WHAM! You get the wind knocked out of you and everything, and I mean everything, takes thirty steps back?
Somehow, I managed to pull my overweight body up off the sidewalk, hobbled back up the one small step that had just taken me down, and got back into the coolness of my home. I tried to go back to work but my mind was not focused on it as it should’ve been. All I could think about was how unfair my life was at that moment. I wanted to clock out and fall into my bed but fought through those feelings and completed my eight hours.
The rest of the week was awful. I could not get out of the funk I had fallen into and did not know why. I took offense at every email and every text message from my co-workers. I just wanted to hide. When my daughter found out about my fall (of course I hadn’t told anyone about it; trying to be strong, brave, and all that), she told me I needed to go to the chiropractor to be adjusted so my body would heal properly and to ensure I hadn’t broken anything. I was fairly confident I hadn’t because I could still move my wrist and my ankle but you never know. I promised her I would and made an appointment for the next afternoon.
On the way to the appointment, the Spirit very gently impressed on my heart that I was under a Spiritual attack and I immediately knew why. This is the verbal, one-sided conversation against the enemy that ensued.
Ohhhhhhh, I know what you’re doing! You’re attacking me because I drove by the house last Sunday, aren’t you? And you can’t handle the fact that the fear you had me bound up in, had been broken with one swift drive by a piece of real estate that was part of my old life! You have NO AUTHORITY over me and in the name of Jesus Christ and by the power of His blood that covers me, I send you back to the pit of hell where you belong. For “greater is He who is in me than he that is in the world.” Get back under my feet where you belong. I am “more than a conqueror in Christ Jesus” and you have no place in my life nor any authority over me whatsoever.
Then I prayed…
Thank You, Jesus, for Your constant presence and for showing me this past week of events has been a full-on attack from my enemy. I ask You to forgive me for my pity-party rant and to heal my body from the fall.
There are times I have to remind myself I am still in the healing process. Very much so, as a matter of fact. I am human and just a sinner saved by grace so there will be those ranting moments I know, deep in my soul, do not bring my LORD glory. However, because He loves me so much, He won’t let me stay where it’s easy to stay. He whispers. He convicts. He shows me where I’m wrong and out of sorts. He asks me to trust Him. He reminds me to be thankful for my blessings instead of complaining about what I think should be.
During this time of healing and renewal, I have found a few things I thought were behind me, actually are not. A huge one being my previous house. It came up in my last counseling session and I am praying though all of it now. I’m trying to pinpoint exactly what the issue is. The Spiritual attack I’d been experiencing happened just a few days after I’d finally driven past the house I lived in for nine years with my former spouse. The enemy was mad the stronghold of fear he had me wrapped up in, was broken in just a few seconds. He liked having me there. It was one area he constantly poked me in the eye with. But, no more. Now that the chains of the stronghold have been broken, God will help me navigate through the myriad of emotions still keeping me attached to that place of residence. In the mean time, I wait on my LORD.
I am so thankful for the still, small voice of my Father and how He whispers. I can be mid-rant and, in my mind, I know as soon as I stop feeling sorry for myself and decide to listen, I will hear it. I know it will come. I count on it. How do I know this? Because I am His child. He loves me. No matter what I do or what I say or how I feel, I AM HIS!! And because I am His, He will not allow me to linger in self-pity.
That is peace and security. That is grace and mercy. That is such incomparable love!
My heart is in awe of my Savior’s love. It captivates me and overwhelms me at the same time. When unexpected things happen in my life and I find myself discouraged and questioning the very things my heart has already accepted, I am so thankful He is quick to remind me of where I’ve been and how far I’ve come. To not allow a momentary set back negate everything He has taught me. To not allow the enemy even one inch of space in my thoughts. To not allow my hurtful past to pave the way to my abundant future. To allow me time to rant but not dwell in a state of self-pity.
Thank You, Jesus for being my constant Friend and my Companion, my Refuge and my Strength, my Provision and my Healer, my Salvation and my Truth.
And Jesus…Thank You that after the rant, there is a whisper.