Thank You for the Valley

My counselor gave me an assignment.

During one of our sessions a few months ago, I was a bit down and felt as if my healing journey had taken a few steps back. I felt stuck. In order to put my healing journey into perspective, Holly asked me to go back and read previous writings then compare them to where I am now. I had never thought to do that so I did as she suggested. I was pleasantly surprised to find I have come much further than I thought.

Guess that’s why she’s the professional.

The past eight blog posts, with the exception of From House to Home, have been part of that assignment, as is this one. (I have a few more I’m working on as well.)

My eyes have been opened, not only to the kind of man I was married to and how very abused I was, but to the growth and healing that have definitely taken place. Back then, I was such a frightened young woman, living completely in denial, trying to cover up and hide my reality, and all the while being and doing everything possible to hold onto my marriage. However, I now know and understand the reason for the valleys and why God left me in them for as long as He did. It took time to unravel the tangled web of lies and manipulation I was living under. God revealed truth to me gradually, possibly so I’d be accepting of each one as they came. God knows my heart like no other and He knows exactly what I need, exactly when I need it. Had He revealed everything at once, it may have been far too overwhelming. But as each part was brought into the Light, my faith grew stronger. I can see that now.

With all that being said, the excerpt below was originally written on July 20, 2015, but I need to fill in some background details first.

At the time I wrote it, my ex-husband worked for the Missile Defense Agency and was given the job to build a missile site in Japan. The project started with a parcel of land, in the middle of a rural area, completely covered with trees and was home to a hoard of wild monkeys. His job was to clear it all off then set up an Army post, complete with all the amenities needed to sustain those who would be working and living there once it was complete. He had many months of work ahead of him which meant he’d be going back and forth to Japan for a very long time.

Before a project of this caliber is started, there are several short trips to the region to make plans with the locals and check out the site, etc. It was during one of these short trips, my ex-husband met the woman who would, eventually, be the catalyst for the end of our marriage. I’m convinced, he somehow finagled his way into getting the assignment just so he could continue to travel to Japan (completely at the government’s expense, I might add) to be with her.

His first thirty-day trip was planned for August 2015 and I was completely devastated. I always hated to be separated from him but the start of this assignment would be the longest we’d been apart since he came home from his year deployment to Kuwait in 1998. I also believe I was still reeling from the discovery of his “emotional affair” a few months before this and didn’t trust him. (See No More Idol Excuses)

I can see now, even though I had no idea what my ex was doing behind my back, God was preparing me for the end.

July 20, 2015

I am in a valley.

I’m sitting here reflecting over the twelve plus years of my walk through this life with Jesus. My faith and my trust have been tested too many times to count. There have been some deep valleys. Ones so deep I thought I’d never find my way out. But there have also been some wonderful mountaintop experiences, too. However, those didn’t seem to last as long. But if I were allowed to stay on the mountaintop, how would I learn anything new? How would I grow? It’s in the valley experiences and in the trials where I learn the most valuable lessons. It’s there I have to totally rely on Jesus to get me through. There was a time in my life when I would beg God to take the trial away and set me back up on the mountaintop. And you know what? He never did. Why? Because He knew I needed that valley for a specific purpose. He was teaching me even though I didn’t understand or see what He was doing.

I don’t beg God to take valleys away anymore. It’s not that I enjoy walking there but it’s in those times I feel my Savior’s arms around me. It’s there He wipes away my tears. It’s there His Spirit whispers to me, “It’s going to be okay. I am here. I will never let you go.” He is so faithful. He doesn’t let go. He never leaves me.

Recently, I was hurled into a valley so deep that I didn’t see any way out. I just didn’t know what to do. I was sobbing and asking God, “Why, God? Why are You taking me here? Noooooooo…” You know what God did? He let me cry and protest as loud as I wanted but then all of a sudden, I felt the most wonderful peace come over me and my sobs softened. It was as if all He said was, “Shhh…” and that was it. Did He immediately lift me out of the valley and take all the hurt away? No, He did not. In fact, I’m still in it and He is, too. Walking right beside me, holding my hand.

Can we truly be thankful for valleys? I am here to tell you that yes, we can. I know that seems a little crazy. How in the world can we be thankful for the trials we face? Sometimes the valley experiences we face rip our heart out and take us to the end of ourselves. James said it best when he penned,

“Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.”

~ James 1:2&3 ESV

Joy? Is he serious?  How can we have joy in the middle of a valley? James is not talking about being happy here. He is talking about the joy of the Lord. There’s a big difference in being happy and having joy. We can be walking through the deepest valley and not be happy about it but we can have the joy of the Lord in knowing He is walking there with us. We can have joy in knowing He has promised to work everything out for our good. Joy in knowing He is our strength. And, for me in this particular valley, I have joy in knowing that He allowed it for a specific purpose. Even though I sure don’t see it, I trust Him completely. It’s as if I can feel Him moving things into place for what’s to come at the end. I can honestly say, that whatever happens, I’m so thankful that I am in this place and it will work out for the best. I couldn’t have said that a year ago.

I’ve spent a lot of time by myself over the past year and a half. When my husband travels, he is gone for weeks at a time. God is preparing me for something and He had to get me alone so I would focus on Him without any distraction. Please don’t get me wrong, I love my sweet hubby with all my heart and I miss him immensely when he’s away from me but God has used this time to place a yearning, a longing, if you will, in my heart that I cannot explain nor do I understand. I just know it’s been planted there but what the yearning or longing is for, I do not know. I know that probably doesn’t make too much sense but that’s all I know right now. Perhaps this valley is part of the training for that specific purpose. God will show me in His time but for now, I will stay where He’s placed me for as long as is needed for Him to bring about His purpose.

The last paragraph of this excerpt is very telling.

My ex traveled a lot (much more so than anyone else on his team) and the time he stayed away became longer each time he left. At this time, I had no idea all the extensions he said were required by his employer, were actually of his own making. He didn’t want to come home because he was enjoying his extra-marital relationship so he lied and told me he had to stay. 

But it’s not my ex-husband’s promiscuous lifestyle that I found to be as telling as what I learned in the valleys I walked through while he was gone.

“God has used this time to place a yearning, a longing, if you will, in my heart that I cannot explain nor do I understand. I just know it’s been planted there but what the yearning or longing is for, I do not know.”

To this very day, I remember what the yearning/longing that I wrote about then felt like. Even though I didn’t understand what it was for, I remember the feelings associated with it. Dread and hope; pain and purpose; hurt and healing; sorrow and joy. It really made no sense at that time but I see it all very clearly now.

During the final years of our marriage, my ex-husband and I spent more time apart than together. While he was off making a new life and a new family for himself, God was walking me through a very deep valley that was training my heart for what was ahead. Loss. I didn’t know that then but, looking back, all the things that happened over a two-year period of time, came to an abrupt end in just 3 months. From the day I learned about his girlfriend, to the day our divorce became final was a mere 90 days. Once God set the wheels in motion, it ended quickly. I’m actually thankful for that now.

Where I live in Alabama, I am very close to the Smoky Mountains. The route to Nashville, Tennessee is a beautiful drive through gorgeous mountain passes that have some pretty steep grades and hairpin curves. The valleys between them are covered with rock, grass, and even a few flowers mingled in. Once, on a trip there with my girls, as I drove through the mountains, I thought of how the valleys we go through in life are pretty much the same as the mountain pass. Some of our valleys are rocky, difficult to walk through, and can hurt more if we stumble. Some of our valleys are grassy which makes them a little easier to walk through and, if we should stumble, it doesn’t hurt quite as bad when we fall. Some valleys even have flowers mingled in which remind me that even in the midst of trial, God still surrounds us with beautiful things along the way. The hairpin curves remind me of those things around the corner we can’t see coming and take us to our knees. Even the mountains themselves are so huge and majestic, they, too, seem an impossible obstacle to conquer. The best part about those mountains, valleys, and hairpin curves is that we aren’t there alone. Our Savior is there. If we stumble and fall on the rocks or in the grass, He takes us by the hand, mends our wounds, and lifts us up. The things around the corner we can’t see coming, He can. He goes before us and is already around the corner to prepare the way before we get there. And, even if those things do catch us a little off guard, He’s not surprised by them at all. The majestic mountains that loom above our heads and seem impossible to conquer, will fade away and won’t seem as daunting when we keep our eyes focused on Jesus. We can be thankful for the valley simply because He is there.

Nothing that happens to us in this life is a surprise to God. He is all-knowing and when we’re plunged into a valley, He is right there with us because He allowed it to happen. He’s not going to lead us somewhere and leave us.

“I will never leave you or forsake you.” ~ Hebrews 13:5 ESV

What a precious promise from our Savior. As His children, He has placed His Holy Spirit, inside our hearts. He resides there so it doesn’t matter what we walk through in this life, He is our constant companion.

Thank You, Jesus, that You are always here. You know where I have been, where I am now, and where I am going. Thank You that You go before me and prepare the way. Thank You that You hold me by my hand and no matter what I face in this life, You face it with me. You are not surprised by it, even though I may be. You are there when I fall on the rocks or on the grassy place. Thank You for picking me up, mending my wounds, and leading me on. Thank You for the majestic beauty and grandeur of the mountains You have created. Thank You for Your redeeming love and for giving me Your precious Holy Spirit to reside in my heart. Thank You for holding me when I am sad, for wiping away my tears, and giving me hope. You constantly amaze me with Your grace and mercy. And Jesus, most of all and with all my heart…

Thank You for the valley.