Healing – Page 3 – Reflecting His Heart Ministries

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Leave a Comment / Healing, Hope, Peace, Relationship / Jennifer / June 3, 2022

I have been reflecting. Before Tami and I started this online ministry, I had a previous website I started in June of 2015. I had been thinking about having it deleted since I no longer use it and, more importantly, the writings on that site cover the exact time span as the last two and a half years of my marriage. I felt the site had become irrelevant as all the content is from the past and there’s no sense dwelling on what used to be. Especially now that my life is the complete opposite from my existence back then. However, I haven’t had time to pursue that thought any further and I’ve recently learned why. For the past week or so, I have felt compelled by the Spirit to go back to that previous site and read the content posted there. I really didn’t understand the reason for delving into writings from the past, but I have learned to be obedient without asking questions so I did as He asked. There was definitely a reason for the delay in my hasty thought to erase the past. As I’ve said many times in the past, I do not believe in coincidence. I believe God is in control of what happens in my life and His timing is perfect. I believe every event that has transpired in my life thus far, is by design. Every single situation He allows to touch my life has been filtered through His loving hand first. And since I believe He’s in control of it, I know He’ll see me through it. With that being said, I haven’t had the chance to read all of the posts yet but the few I’ve managed to get to, have been very telling. The woman I found myself reading about was constantly worried, an impulsive buyer, used “retail therapy” as a means of coping, an obsessive planner, depressed, anxious, and fearful. Writing after writing told of weak faith, even weaker trust, a bad attitude, and a constant, overwhelming feeling of dread. As I read, I almost started to feel sorry for the person I used to be but then I realized the reason for the reflection. All those previous posts have shown me how very far God has brought me since those days. I am a completely different person today and it’s all because God allowed and used a heart-wrenching, painful event to show me who He is! The myriad of situations I wrote about, complete with all the traits above, were but a training ground to prepare me for the past four years. What God has done in my heart since 2015, is nothing short of a miracle. I used to have a serious obsession with purses. It didn’t matter how many I had in my closet, I rationalized each impulsive purchase with the reasoning I could always use a new one. I would go to the mall and not even be thinking about buying a new one and yet, when I’d walk by the department store Michael Kors or Kate Spade handbag section, it was as if I could hear them calling to me. “Buy me! Buy me! Buy me!” Without fail, I’d find myself at the check out counter, handing my credit card over to the sales associate. Once I got home, I immediately switched all the contents from my perfectly good current purse, to the new one. Oh, and it looked so good. I loved the smell of new leather and, most importantly, the way it made me feel. But you know what? After awhile, the new wore off, the smell of the leather grew faint, and it no longer made me feel happy. The new purse I just had to have, had lost its appeal. Then the next time I’d go to the mall, I’d end up at the same department store handbag section, checking out with the next handbag I just couldn’t live without. It was an endless, vicious cycle, and I was trapped in it. I realize now, I was trapped in that cycle because I was completely empty. I had Jesus, yes, but, at that time, the priorities I’d set for where He stood in my life were completely out of line. It’s painful to admit but my ex-spouse held the highest priority in my heart during our marriage. He came before anything and anyone, to include Jesus and my children. He was an idol, but that’s a subject for another time. When our relationship started to change and he was spending less time at home and more time traveling, I began to search for something to fill the void his absence left. Instead of running full speed into the arms of Jesus, I ran full speed into the arms of retail therapy and very expensive designer handbags. I looked for each new purchase to somehow, miraculously, fill the void in my heart and heal the deep longing in my soul. They did not. The only thing I received from those impulsive shopping sprees was credit card debt, a closet full of empty handbags, and an even emptier heart. God created all of us with an empty space that only He can fill; that only He can satisfy. However, He also created us with a free will so it’s up to us to either choose Him to fill that longing or look for other things to take His place. Things of this would are temporal and do not satisfy and yet, worldly pleasures and indulgences seem to be what most are after. To include me. King Solomon described this as “chasing after the wind.” (Ecclesiastes 1). We have an adversary, the devil, who uses every opportunity to distract and lead us away from God. More often than not, it was quite easy for him to distract me with the simple whiff of new leather. He knew my weakness and used it against me. In John chapter 4, we find the story

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In the Know and the No

1 Comment / Comfort, Encouragement, Healing, Hope / Jennifer / May 21, 2022

Has God ever told you no? Did you just accept it and carry on? OR Did you pitch a fit then proceed to whine at Him, complete with a myriad of reasons why it’s not fair and you really didn’t care for His answer? I must be completely honest and openly admit, there have been many times during this healing journey I have experienced being told no by my Father and I didn’t like it. Not one bit. I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels that way at times. The age old saying “the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree” applies here as I know another little guy who relates to feeling this way. My grandson, Carson. When Carson was about four, whenever he’d receive the answer of no from one or both of his parents, he started whining. If that didn’t draw enough attention, he then proceeded to throw himself on the floor and roll around screaming. Like most of us, his Nana included, Carson had (and still has from time to time) his own agenda and ideas about how things should play out. He’s seven now and has grown a lot from those early days of tantrums but he still struggles with hearing the word no once in awhile. As do I. In times past, when God has told me no, I didn’t physically throw myself on the floor and roll around screaming but it didn’t stop me from taking that posture in my heart. To God, I was acting like a four-year-old child, whining, and wanting my own way. Can you relate to feeling that way sometimes? Carson has always been a Nana’s boy. Not really sure why he chose me to be his person but he did. He and I talk about many things. He’s a pretty deep thinker and enjoys the art of conversation. He reminds me of the young boy who is the next door neighbor in the first Home Alone movie. Always full of questions and wanting answers to every single one right now but not waiting for the answer before asking the next question. Sometimes I truly wonder if that’s how God sees me when I question His sovereignty over my life. Hmmmmm. I’ll never forget a conversation Carson and I had one morning after he’d spent the night with me. I was getting ready for work and he came into my bathroom. He greeted me with his very sweet, “Good morning, Nana!”, gave me a hug, then crawled up on my bed. After a few minutes, I noticed he was watching me pretty intently and I knew the wheels were turning in his head. “Do you remember what we talked about a few days ago, Carson?” He shook his head in affirmation but I clearly doubted he actually remembered. “We talked about being good for your mama today. Do you remember?” “Yes, Nana.” “Do you remember Who wants you to be good for your mama?” He just smiled. I put down whatever it was I was holding in my hand and walked over to the bed where he was sitting. I got down on my knees next to the bed so we could be face to face. He was staring at me so intently, I knew this was about to be a God moment. “Carsey, Jesus wants you to be good for your mama. The Bible tells us that we are to obey our parents. They know what’s best for us. Jesus loves you very much and He wants you to do whatever your mama and daddy tell you to do. You may not always understand why they tell you no or why they stop you from doing something they know will hurt you but they can see things you can’t see. You have to trust them all the time because you never know what’s ahead and they can see what’s all around you.” It was then the realization of my own words shook me to my soul and took hold of my heart. I had no idea it would be a God moment for me as well. When you’ve walked with God for a long time, you just know when He’s impressing a deep lesson onto your heart. You don’t have to stop and ask Him for an explanation. You just know. “You may not always understand why I tell you no or why I stop you from doing something I know will hurt you. I can see things you can’t see. You have to trust Me all the time because you never know what’s ahead and I can see what’s all around you.” Suddenly, I was no longer the teacher. I had become the child. The lesson in obedience I was trying to teach my precious, young grandson became a lesson for me. Obedience without understanding all the facts is exactly what God has been teaching me since this wilderness-type journey with Him began. On that day, three years ago, God used a conversation with a four-year old to show me I had been acting just like one. I whined and cried to get my own way. I had looked at His answer of no as a way of punishing me and keeping me from something I thought would be good. Have you ever been stuck in wanting your own way? Stuck in the past? Stuck in the pain of a life altering event? In your own thoughts? In your own agenda? As I drove to work later that morning, I couldn’t get the conversation I’d had with Carson off my mind nor the subsequent realization that, at times, I was no different as God’s child than that of my four-year-old grandson. As I drove and pondered that conversation, the Holy Spirit pressed another realization into my heart. He very gently reminded me of a Bible story I’ve heard my entire life but at that time, took on a completely different meaning. Never had

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Dig Deep

3 Comments / Encouragement, Harvest, Healing, Renewal / Jennifer / May 14, 2022

Have you ever had a moment in your life when you felt the Spirit asking you to take a leap of faith? Not just a step but an actual leap? A leap into the unknown? A leap into a place that’s completely out of your comfort zone? It’s been over four years since I felt that initial urging to take such a leap and I’m so thankful I did. Looking back now, I didn’t have a lot of choice. I could’ve stayed and fought for a marriage my ex had already said he didn’t want to remain in or trust God and leap out into the unknown. I don’t remember consciously making the decision to leap. I only know I felt being in the unknown with God was a much better place to reside than staying in an abusive marriage with a controlling, adulterous, narcissistic man. God rescued me by asking me to take that leap of faith. I didn’t know I needed rescuing at the time and could only see loss and heartache in front of me. I’m so thankful for the God who sees. Jehovah El Roi. It really doesn’t seem possible that I’ve been on this journey with Jesus for as long as I have. Sometimes I have to stop and pinch myself to ensure this life He’s given me isn’t just a figment of my imagination. He has blessed me beyond measure since I stepped off the edge of that metaphorical cliff and into His hand. He has provided for every single need. When my divorce was final, I truly didn’t think I’d survive it. I’d never been more broken and alone. Obviously, I didn’t know then what I do now, but grief is an unpredictable emotion. It makes you feel, do, and say things you thought you never would. The past four years were fraught with many tears and much pain. However, I can also say I’ve experienced plenty of joy along the way as well. Sometimes stepping out into the unknown can be scary but when you know Jesus is there, fear is dispelled and peace ensues. Spring is in full force here in the South. The grass is turning green again and the plants that have been dormant all winter are, once again, popping up through the dirt and springing back to life. I have always enjoyed having a beautiful yard to look at but have NEVER enjoyed yard work. I still don’t, to some degree. It doesn’t matter if it’s pulling weeds, edging, or simply mowing the grass. Those are things that make me sweaty (especially in the humid South), dirty, and exhausted. But God has given me a new perspective and has changed my attitude about that, as well as a lot of other things. And it all started with a little dogwood tree. I moved into my home in March of 2018. At that time, I had so much healing ahead of me, it wore me out just to think about it. My days were spent at work for eight hours then coming home and falling into bed, completely exhausted and overcome with heartache. However, on the weekends it was time to take care of my yard. God blessed me with a beautiful home and I was determined to be a good steward and take care of it to the best of my ability. Which included taking care of my yard. I have an average size front yard, but the back is much bigger. It’s mostly grass but I have made a small garden area right outside my patio door, complete with plants that don’t need a lot of attention. They basically pop up through the dirt at the beginning of Spring and look good until they die back and go dormant for another winter season. They’re very low maintenance which is perfect for me. I’ll never forget the first time I mowed. I purchased a lawn mower and an edger to assist in my newfound effort to keep my lawn beautifully manicured. I’d helped with yard work during my marriage but was never completely in charge of it and really wasn’t expected to be. (Truth be told, I really didn’t want to be.) Looking back, I really took it for granted that someone else always did the yard maintenance. I’m thankful I paid enough attention, from time to time, to have a little bit of knowledge as to what it took to mow the grass and maintain a yard. With that being said, I knew absolutely nothing about maintaining a lawn mower. Gas, oil, spark plugs, air filter, engine…Ugh! Some assembly was required before I could start mowing. It was a daunting task and I was getting a bit anxious over the whole thing. I thought it would be easy to put together by having a picture of it fully assembled on the box as a guide. It was not! So, I found the owner’s manual and sat down to read each step before continuing in my effort to assemble my new gas powdered piece of machinery. I have no idea how long it took me to get the mower put together but, somehow, I managed it. I was ready! It started with the first pull of the cord! Guess the owner’s manual is put into the box for a reason after all! : ) As I started walking back and forth over the grass, suddenly, giant tears welled up in my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. I had no idea what brought them on but, as I’ve said before, grief is an unpredictable emotion. It comes and goes with no warning. I stopped mowing and sat down right where I was. Right in the middle of my half-mown yard. “This is not fair, Jesus. Why do I have to be in this place all alone? Why don’t You send him back to me? I don’t know how to do life on my own. I shouldn’t have

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From Head to Heart

2 Comments / Encouragement, Healing, Hope, Strength / Jennifer / April 20, 2022

Have you ever felt sad and didn’t know why? Have uncontrollable tears ever fallen down your cheeks with no warning? In the past few months, this has happened to me a number of times. I was incredibly sad for no apparent reason. I am in a very good place in my life. I have more joy than I ever have before. I’ve just had a good health report from my doctor. My kids and grandkids are all healthy. I have a beautiful home, a wonderful job, an amazing church family, and a car that gets me where I need to go. I am blessed beyond measure and yet, I couldn’t break free from the sadness. About a month ago, I was sitting on the couch with my morning coffee in hand and bible on my lap. I really didn’t know where to start, let alone which book to study. So, I whispered this short prayer, “What am I missing, Jesus?”, and opened my bible. This is the scripture I opened to. “…yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God. For the Lord gives wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding; He stores up sound wisdom for the upright; He is a shield to those who walk in integrity, guarding the paths of justice and watching over the way of His saints. Then you will understand righteousness and justice and equity, every good path; for wisdom will come into your heart and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul.” ~ Proverbs 2:3-10 ESV God is so very faithful. He does not disappoint. He very clearly answered my question. When we seek Him with all of our heart, His word promises we will find Him. (Jeremiah 29:13) He does not disappoint. After reading the scripture above, it was then I realized I had been overcome with sadness for several days before I even stopped to ask Jesus what I was missing. But why? Why did I wait so long to call out to the One who loves me more than anyone else ever could? Why didn’t I think to call on Him immediately? Why did I do that? Why do we do that? I believe there are a few answers to this question. We either think we’re imagining it, will go away on its own, or we get comfortable in our present state. It could even be a combination of all three. When everything seems to be going well, we’re accomplishing things at work, we have money in the bank, and food on the table, for example, Jesus tends to get put on the back burner. He gets shoved into the rest of the fray and I believe pride is the root cause. Pride creeps in so subtly. Most of the time, I don’t think we even realize it has entered in. We may start to notice little things we’ve done that make us feel good about ourselves. “Wow! I did a good job on that!” OR “I wonder if anyone noticed what a good job I did!” We may even start taking some of the credit for it instead of giving the praise back to God for blessing us with the gift or talent in the first place. Truth be told, this has been me as of late. (just being real here) Recently, all of the good things I’d accomplished at work had gone straight to my head. I’ve been processing mortgage loans for about 24 years now. I have learned a lot of different skills that help me with my work but I didn’t learn those skills on my own. God put amazing mentors around me who poured their knowledge into me. God created my mind and gave me a tenacious personality to work at things faithfully until I achieve the needed result but He blessed my life with others who took time to help me along the way. I don’t deserve nor do I warrant any kind of praise for that. He made me who and what I am. I am nothing without Him. However, pride crept in unawares and I didn’t realize it as such until I woke up one day incredibly sad. I knew something wasn’t right. The sadness I was experiencing was all due to me pushing Jesus to the side and thinking I could handle the day-to-day things without Him then taking credit for it. I cannot. I can do nothing without Him. ” I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in Me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in Me, he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this My Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be My disciples.” ~ John 15:5-8 ESV I need Jesus every single second of every single day. Even though my head was telling me all was well and to let it go, my heart was screaming out something entirely different. I had cut myself off from the Vine, I was withering, and my heart knew it. Oh, how I love the precious word of God and how it calls me back to where I need to be! We are to seek after God as if we were seeking for silver or hidden treasure. If those things are valuable enough for ones to seek on earth, how much more should we seek after the LORD who is invaluable??!! He is absolutely priceless! I was moved to tears as I sat there. First, I repented and asked forgiveness

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Speaking Truth and Light to the Silent Darkness

5 Comments / Encouragement, Healing, Hope / Tami / March 26, 2022

“I did not speak in secret, in a land of darkness; I did not say to the offspring of Jacob, ‘Seek me in vain.’ I the Lord speak the truth; I declare what is right.” ~ Isaiah 45:19 Lately, I’ve been feeling listless, restless, uneasy, empty, aimless and out-of-sorts. I’ve felt this way at other times in life, usually in relation to fleeting or unfortunate circumstances; a temporary downturn. We all have them. But as I look more closely at this moody word list, it begins to resemble a quiver of arrows, all pointing toward one, encompassing, emotional theme: purposelessness. Or so it seems. I know I was not created without purpose, and neither were you, but honestly it is how I’ve been feeling for longer than I care to. Pondering this thought a little further, I sadly determine I’ve hit on something significant. I’ve battled depression most of my adult life, probably longer, with subtle signs evident as early as high school. I see this only now, looking back. I wish I’d known then what I know now (don’t we all), as I could have interpreted the world around me, and those in it, differently. I would have understood that my terrifying fear of abandonment was a perfectly expected reaction to the periodic silent treatment I endured in my youth, and the on again-off again absence of affirmation, conversation, and relationship that was utilized as a form of discipline. Silence effectively told me I’d been a disappointment, although I didn’t always know why. But emotional abandonment isn’t discipline. It is wrong, plain and simple. Routinely cutting the lines of communication in a valued relationship, especially with a young child, is traumatizing. In my case, it laid the groundwork for developing a mindset that emotional control over my life belonged to others, not me; toying with my emotions became permissible and ripe for the taking. Further, it set the stage for my people-pleasing propensity and this became my mission, because I would do almost anything to make the pain of silence and rejection end. Every human being comes into this world with a need for love, affection and acceptance, and being ignored by a significant other isn’t conducive to any of that. By school age the silent treatment was a well-established form of “communication” that grew more frequent as I entered my teen years. I learned early that communication can happen with a voice…or with no voice at all. (Something occurred to me just this very minute: I have loved the written word since my youth. I prefer it over verbal communication a thousand fold. I find that ironic; isn’t it amazing how, even late in life, the lightbulb can suddenly come on?) Anyway, growing up, there were other instances of implied abandonment, or the outright-stated-threat of leaving that I won’t go into at this time, but never-the-less they escalated my fears. As time marched into adulthood and I left home, this nearly-all-consuming fear of losing loved ones kept me chained to a controlling spouse, who did his homework and learned well how to keep me tethered. He studied the people-pleasing aspects of my personality and took full advantage. Ironically, it was the laying open of my heart and soul that taught him where I was vulnerable. He learned well the lessons that I unwittingly divulged as I shared stories of my youth. I thought in confiding in him that I was running to safety, a harbor in the storm. I naively believed my purpose was to take care of him and love all his demons away. If I could somehow make up for everything he lacked or lost in boyhood, then he would be happy, and by extension, I could be happy. But once he learned this about me, he began to expect that his happiness was my purpose. Just as in childhood, my job, my purpose, was to appease certain others, and in this case, him. I was to be present and accounted for, even if he wasn’t (and he often wasn’t). If I failed to be pleasing in any way (perish the thought), then his sadness or anger or other myriad emotions became my fault. I shouldered the blame and the punishment: silence, shouting, shoving and leaving. And that, my friends, isn’t simply an unkind person; it is the essence of betrayal by a master manipulator impersonating a “husband”. It’s an insidious malignancy of torture that eats away a person’s soul until they feel so small and empty the only thing alive is a heart, faintly beating in the chest, and lungs that weakly breathe in and out. Consequently, I would often recite to him this old Mother Goose rhyme: Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater, Had a wife and couldn’t keep her, Put her in a pumpkin shell, And there he kept her very well. It was a favorite nursery rhyme of mine as a child because I loved pumpkins, but in truth, I had no idea what it meant. Later I came to realize I was once again held captive under a heavy hand, this time by a controlling, alcoholic, narcissistic abuser who reeled in the catch of his life, gutted me and put my carcass on the mantle above the fire; the trophy wife he could display like a prized, hunted, and very dead animal. And from the outside no one could see that I, indeed, was hollow. Bottom-line, I’ve made some poor decisions in my life. Not all of them, but when I did, they were significant. For instance, why did I marry this man in the first place? The answer is important (and I hope this saves even one person from misery!) The reason was to flee a perceived lack of control over my life as a young, single woman. The root that took hold so long ago from the punishing silence was now bearing fruit. I was living at home in my early twenty’s, and still under (perceived) authority even at that age.

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In Pursuit of HappyNess

1 Comment / Encouragement, Healing, Joy, Peace / Jennifer / January 13, 2022

I don’t make new years resolutions. I haven’t for quite a few years. The reason for it, in my estimation, is that resolutions don’t work. In years past, I would make resolutions, promises if you will, that went something like… “This is the year I’m going to lose weight! This is the year I’m going to exercise more! This is the year I’m going to take more time off from work! This is the year I’m going to take more time for me!” On and on and on. And what always, inevitably, happened is I’d fail to keep up the routine and I’d beat myself up for months after because I couldn’t stick to it. Best laid plans and all that. Now, don’t get me wrong. All of the goals I mentioned above are good ones. I do need to do all of those things. I realize that more and more as I continue to grow older. I do intend to incorporate them into my life whenever I can. However, I don’t want to be controlled by them. I spent many years being controlled by another. No matter what I did, it was never good enough. Even when I worked out every single day, for three hours at a time, and maintained a size 2 body by starving myself…it was never enough. Nothing I did was ever good enough, done long enough, or even wise enough. For the past few days, I’ve had a song going through my head. It’s one I used to sing years ago at our church in Alaska. In fact, it was so long ago I couldn’t even remember the title to it until I googled some of the words. When the Time Comes by David Kavich Cleanse me Lord, Of all my silly, sad charades How I want to be all and only Yours Take away the clutter in my life everyday And make me like a child at play Give me joy I love to laugh and cry with You You’ve become a Friend with me all the time Help me to be patient as I watch and as I pray Growing in Your love each day Lord, show me the way. Fill me, Lord I want Your love to overflow Running free through me to a lonely world Let me share that simple truth that sets people free How I want them all to see, how it can be. When the time comes, I wanna be ready When Jesus comes to take me Take me home. In and of themselves, making plans and having goals are not bad things, but if they become the only thing we’re focused on and/or allow them to consume our every waking moment, then we’ve clearly lost sight of what’s most important. During my marriage, I was completely obsessed with being, doing, and becoming every single thing my ex wanted me to be, do, and become. It got so bad that if I had a weak moment and had the audacity to eat a candy bar, I would stuff the wrapper inside a soda can and hide it in the garbage because I didn’t want him to find it. I didn’t want to be ridiculed or chastised over it. I tired not to let him see me eat anything that could be deemed unhealthy. It’s the only thing I focused all of my energy on. This was not just a goal I wanted to achieve eventually. This was an every single day goal that I felt had to be achieved every single day! I felt I had no other choice. I had to keep him happy to be accepted. I had to keep him happy to be loved. I had to keep him happy so he’d stay. A lot of good it all did. He left anyway. I believe that’s why this song has been trapped in my mind the past few days and I’m so thankful it has. Perhaps the Spirit brought these words to mind so I’d, once again, realize the importance of keeping Him first in my life. To know that whatever I do to try to keep another happy is in vain. Jesus is the only One who can satisfy and fill the deep longing in our hearts. To remember I’m a just a sinner saved by grace and that I need to be ever mindful of any sin that may creep in and immediately confess it when convicted by the Holy Spirit. To stay true to the desire of my heart to be an example of Jesus to all those I come into contact with and to all those who read the words I write. Knowing Jesus is the greatest and most amazing privilege of my life and I long for others to know Him as I do. Often times, life gets so busy and we get caught up with all the things we have to do or even be. The enemy loves nothing more than keeping us distracted by all the things we allow to clutter up our lives. His goal is to get us to take our eyes off of Jesus. He doesn’t care what it is. Even if the things in our lives are good for us. Even good things can become bad if given the wrong priority. I posted a new scripture on the website a few days ago. It’s from a devotion I read this week and it was exactly what I needed. “There are many who say, “Who will show us some good? Lift up the light of Your face upon us, O LORD!” You have put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and wine abound. In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for You alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.” ~ Psalm 4:6-8 ESV Unfortunately, the world view is me, me, me, mine, mine, mine. In this passage of scripture above, King David is referring to those who

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Never Too Late

3 Comments / Encouragement, Healing, Hope / Tami / January 13, 2022

“Then the Lord answered me and said, ‘Write the vision and make it plain on tablets.’” ~ Habakkuk 2:2 I love a blank page: A new journal never written in; a new binder with crisp, white pages begging to be filled. For most of us, January feels like the time to begin something new. For me, it’s always the same; I long to fill the pages of my notebook from the pages of real life. It’s all well and good at this point; fun and games and pie in the sky dreams. Then reality hits. I’m the one who’s supposed to offer up the ink, to form the words, to weave the story that fills these pages with tales, and lessons learned from daily life. But without fail fear begins its nagging whispers, and panic hangs heavy, until it enshrouds me and I succumb to literary paralysis. I have fallen prey to this tactic of the enemy for many years. It became a stronghold long ago, and this isn’t the first resolve I’ve made to change my trajectory. I do, however, hope it’s my final resolve. Somehow, this year, this season of my life, seems more urgent and the call to obedience is absolutely non-negotiable. Is it because my age literally stares me in the face on a daily basis? If we’re given three-score and ten years of life on this earth, or four-score if we’re lucky, then I’m on my last “score”, and I’m acutely reminded that the dead cannot proclaim the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. The issue, aside from age, is disobedience. I’ve known since I was 12 years old I was to be a writer and share the love of God through my creativity with words. We don’t get to be “creative” with the Word of God, but if words are our area of art and giftedness, then we are to use this gift “as unto the Lord.” I am guilty of allowing fear to limit my efforts, and without that effort there are no results. Seeds of life planted, watered and nurtured by reflection and study are for the purpose of teaching others, lifting up our fellow man and communicating Jesus’ Gospel of love to the ends of the earth. But if we leave the ripened fruit (our gifts) unharvested, withering on the vine or rotting on the ground, never shared with the world or those in need, then what good is that? I don’t want to go to my grave, taking with me all I’ve learned, to be buried with me there. I want to share it now, today, in this life in the hopes that God will take my tiny offering and multiply it as only He can. Just as He did when He blessed the little boy’s lunch of fish and bread, or like He did with the widow’s two mites. They gave all they had, unreservedly. After three-score on this earth, I am ready to release my fears to the only One who can calm them, and get in line with the boy and his brown-bag lunch, and the poor widow with only two cents to her name, and trust Jesus to multiply my words for the sake of others who are hurting like me. I am curious about what I will write in this coming year, and wonder about where it will lead and what works it might accomplish. And while those musings are all well and good, it will continue to be for nothing if I don’t relinquish my fear daily, push up my sleeves and dig around in the dirt (water, prune and feed), so that in time a healthy harvest can nourish those in need, rather than going to waste in the fields of my own mind where no one benefits. It is my prayer that you will join me on this venture, walking with me on a road I’ve never really braved before, as we focus on the joy of togetherness for the journey, more than simply a final destination. “I will take my stand at my watchpost and station myself on the tower, and look out to see what He will say to me, and what I will answer concerning my complaint. And the LORD answered me: ‘Write the vision; make it plain on tablets, so he may run who reads it.’ For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.’” ~ Habakkuk 2:1-3

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The Cost of Surrender

Leave a Comment / Healing, Hope, Relationship / Jennifer / October 30, 2021

I learned a new song at church a few weeks ago. New to me, that is. You may know it. You may have even sung it. As I listened to the words of the chorus, they became very convicting. “I will make room for You, To do whatever You want to, To do whatever You want to.” Really? These words state commitment. These words state “not my will, not my way, not how I want things; I want YOUR will, YOUR way, the way YOU want things, Jesus.” How many of us could truly sing this song and actually mean the words coming from our lips? Can we sing them with conviction and commitment? The song goes on… Here is where I lay it down, Every burden, every crown, This is my surrender, This is my surrender. Here is where I lay it down, Every lie and every doubt, This is my surrender, This is my surrender. I will make room for You, To do whatever You want to, To do whatever You want to. Shake up the ground of all my tradition, Break down the walls of all my religion, Your way is better, Your way is better. Here is where I lay it down, You’re all I’m chasing now, This is my surrender, This is my surrender.” ~ Written by Trinity Anderson This is a beautiful praise song and the words so heart felt. They stir up a lot of emotion. As I listened to them being sung, they took me back to a day a little over four years ago now. Seems like it was only yesterday. My entire life, the lives of my children, and the lives of my grandchildren were forever changed with a few simple, whispered words. “Yes, Jesus. I choose You.” That was my surrender and it changed my life forever. I do not regret my decision to surrender nor do I regret the events that have transpired since. I know they were God’s will and path for my life. Now. But at the time, the only thing I knew was I trusted Him with my entire being and I knew that no matter what happened beyond that moment, He would be in control and take care of me. I surrendered. Everything. And it was incredibly painful. However, I have come to realize something I didn’t know back then. ~ God is in the Details ~ In the pivotal moment I surrendered everything, I truly expected God to restore my marriage. I don’t remember praying for God to restore it; just seemed like a given. Divorce wasn’t even on my radar. The word never even crossed my mind. We were both raised with parents who had been married for years and divorce just didn’t happen. I just knew he’d feel the same way. I’d been with him from the age of 19. He practically raised me. He taught me everything I knew. I could not imagine my life without him. After all, he loved me as I loved him. We could get through anything, just as we’d done for years. When his lies were brought to light, I asked him why he cheated on me and how in the world he could choose another after all the years we’d been together. You can imagine my shock and disbelief when I heard him say, “I just wanted to be happy and I’m not willing to save our marriage.” No emotion. No remorse. No empathy. Just very matter of fact. Even though he had pathologically lied to me up to that point, I knew those words he spoke, were truth. He willingly, consciously chose to go his own way and not look back. He chose to turn his back on me, our children, and our grandchildren; never to return. At first, I believe I was in shock. I thought he loved me as I loved him. Clearly, that was not the case. I was completely broken. Shattered is really more like it. Yet, even in the grief, I knew I’d made the right choice. I wanted Jesus more than I wanted him. Even in the brokenness, I was at peace, my mind resolute, and I knew I’d be okay. As long as I had Jesus, I knew I’d make it through. You might be wondering how those emotions can possibly be felt all at the same time. Seems like you’d feel one way or the other, right? But, when you know Jesus and have a personal relationship with Him, you know feelings such as these co-mingle quite often. Peace in pain. Serenity in sorrow. Grace in grief. I don’t completely understand how it happens but I can testify that it does. I have lived it and experienced it over and over myself and it’s the only way I want to live. With Jesus in control. With Jesus in the lead. With Jesus guiding my every step. When I chose God over my ex, I meant it. With all my heart, I meant it. Which brings me back to the song above. As these words fell on my ears during worship, I could’t help but wonder how many around me realized what they were singing. Did they truly understand the magnitude of what it means to surrender? Or were they just song lyrics, on a big screen, being sung without considering their message? In Matthew 16:24 and following, Jesus spoke these words. “Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wants to come after Me, he must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.” ~ Matthew 16:24-25 NASB What does it mean to deny oneself? It’s a pretty tall order to deny our own wants and desires. For myself, it seems to be a daily surrendering of what I think I want for my life. My emotions fluctuate from one day to the next.

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Something of Value

1 Comment / Encouragement, Healing, Hope, Peace, Renewal / Jennifer / July 31, 2021

He said I had no value. “Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?” ~ Matthew 6:26 ESV What does it mean to value something or have values about something? I think it would depend on the object or objects in question. Wouldn’t you? I looked up both words: value/values. Each returned the same exact results. The word value(s) has several meanings. the monetary worth of something. a fair return or equivalent in goods, services, or money exchanged. relative worth or importance. the relative duration of a musical note. relative lightness or darkness of a color. However, let’s say you’re defining the value of another person in your life. What does it mean to value your spouse, your children, or a dear friend? I scrolled down a little further on the definition for both forms of the word and here’s what I found. something intrinsically valuable or desirable. to rate or scale in usefulness, importance, or general worth. So, to value someone means to see their usefulness, importance, worth, or something to be desired. Seems easy enough. What if, for example, you were told by someone close to you, such as your spouse, your child, or a friend, that you had no value? That you weren’t useful to them or important, or held worth? I would think learning that would be pretty devastating. What if you overheard it from a conversation you shouldn’t have been privy to but couldn’t un-hear it once you heard the words spoken? How do you live with that? I would imagine it would be very difficult to recover from that. Especially if you didn’t want the other person to know you accidentally overheard their conversation, for fear of retribution. That would mean you’d have to pretend you didn’t know anything and you’d have to ensure you didn’t act any differently for fear of giving yourself away. You’d have to push your emotions down and not let them affect you. And yet, you’d have to continue to live day after day, week after week, month after month, and year after year knowing the true feelings of the other person. Sounds pretty convoluted, doesn’t it? It was. Welcome to just one of the many scenarios I endured while married to my ex. We were married just shy of 35 years and I dealt with situations like the one above, at least, two or three times a week. There was always drama. Whether it was work related or health related or even yard work related. There was always something. I constantly walked on egg shells. He probably didn’t notice it because I became very good at hiding my feelings from him and besides, who notices someone of no value. As a child, I always looked forward to Christmas. My daddy was a cabinet builder by trade and, even though he worked hard, money was always tight. We lived in a 742 square foot, two-bedroom house on 28th Avenue. My two sisters and I shared a bedroom. We were crowded but it never seemed to bother us. We were thankful for what we had. I’m sure we were considered poor folks but I never felt poor. Christmas was the one day out of the year we received toys. I believe I was around 7 years old when I unwrapped her. A sweet little baby doll, complete with a fuzzy pink blanket and a bottle. I was so happy when I saw her all tucked into her little box. Since I didn’t have anything to make a little bed out of, I used the box she came in. After all, she fit into it perfectly because it was made just for her. I named her Joy. I don’t recall now why I decided on that name. Probably because having her as my own brought me such great joy. I took her everywhere with me. I’m sure to others, she looked like an ordinary doll but to me, she was one of a kind. She was the only doll I had so Joy was something of great value. When I was in the fourth grade, my mom gave birth to my little brother. Having four kids in a two-bedroom house became much too crowded so we moved to Oregon to live next to my grandparents. My Pappy had bought a big tract of land and then each one of my mom’s siblings purchased what they wanted. My parents purchased a used single-wide mobile home and had it moved onto the Sager section of the parceled out land. There were two bedrooms in the trailer. My oldest sister got one of the rooms to herself and my younger sister and I shared. My dad removed the tilt out portion on the trailer then added on a big living room, a master bedroom, and a laundry room to expand the living space. It was the biggest home I’d ever lived in. I thought we’d won the lottery or something. I started fifth grade the next school year. We lived out in the country so we rode the bus to and from school every day. My grandma built a shed by the main road so we would have shelter in case it rained. It was the Pacific Northwest. Rain was a given. Every morning, my sisters and I would walk up the hill and wait beside the gravel country road for the big yellow bus to pull up. The bus route took about an hour to get around to all the houses where the country kids lived. I remember the Thompson kids always smelled like they needed baths and you always knew what the Kelly kids had eaten for breakfast. I guess it’s not a bad thing to get on the school bus smelling like bacon. Funny the things we remember from childhood, isn’t it? What I remember most about

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Heart Conditions

2 Comments / Comfort, Encouragement, Healing, Hope / Jennifer / July 13, 2021

I was born with a hole in my heart. Back in 1963, if you received news such as this about your newborn baby, it wasn’t followed with many hopeful words. My mom was told to take me home and enjoy what little time she might be blessed with. The doctor said I wouldn’t live to see my six-week check-up. Clearly, that doctor was wrong. Clearly, that doctor didn’t know the prayer warrior he was speaking with. Clearly, that doctor wasn’t privy to the plans God had for me. And, clearly, I’ve lived well beyond my six-week check- up. While the hole in my newborn heart was healed sometime within a six-week period, between October and November of 1963, I’ve since met with another. Same heart. Different hole. While this one was not physical in nature, it certainly caused enough pain to convince me otherwise. Have you ever been at a place in your life and you didn’t understand how you even got there? Have you ever wondered the when, where, and why of a reckless and impulsive choice, made by another, that would change the entire trajectory of your life but, at the time, you didn’t know was en route? Have you ever felt as if you were stuck in limbo? Placed on hold or even felt as if your life had been postponed? If you have, you’re not alone. I’ve been there, too, and at times, feel I still am. God is Sovereign. That means He is the supreme Authority over my life. I am His child. He knew when my life would begin, He knows when it will end, and He knows every event that will happen in-between. He knows every choice I will make as well as the direct effect it will have on my life and on those around me. He also knows the choices others will make that will directly effect me. “You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in Your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.” ~ Psalm 139:16 NLT Sometimes we find ourselves in the middle of heart-wrenching circumstances all because someone else decided their selfish desires should come before all else. Some grievous seasons are the direct result of another’s bad life choices. Mine began when my former spouse made the decision to take up with several other women, feeling completely justified in doing so. I felt I didn’t have any other choice but to give him what he wanted. It was either that or continue to live in a loveless marriage, while we led two separate lives. We had been doing that for several years and I was miserable and lonely. He wanted to live life on his own terms and not be accountable to anyone. I could not, would not accept that. So, I made the agonizing choice to let him go. He had stopped loving me years before we got to this point. Not quite sure what he was waiting for. He was either waiting to get caught or waiting for the day I decided I’d had enough. My heart was completely shattered. I didn’t understand why any of it was happening but somehow found the presence of mind to know how vitally important it was for me to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus. I knew I’d never make it through without Him. I was in un-chartered territory and had no idea what I was going to do about anything. The only thing I did know for sure was that God would take care of me. I knew He would help me navigate through the heart-wrenching grief I could not wrap my mind around. “You go before me and follow me. You place Your hand of blessing on my head. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand!” ~ Psalm 139:5&6 NLT God’s word says He takes what the enemy means for evil and uses it to bring good (Genesis 50:20). But I can tell you, with 100% transparency, when you’re in the middle of a heart-wrenching situation, it sure doesn’t feel as if anything remotely resembling good could possibly come from it! It causes unfathomable grief and sometimes, you just want to wallow in it and cry. I’ve been there, done that. More times than I can count. I have been divorced and on my own for three and a half years now. There have been so many times I just knew I had turned a corner or had taken a huge step towards healing and all of a sudden, something triggered a memory and it felt as if all the progress made to that point, took a few steps back. And, perhaps, unexpected memories have taken me a few steps back into the pain of the past, but when that happens, it makes me realize it’s all just part of the process. Healing takes time. Sometimes, a long time. However, I have noticed the pain isn’t quite as raw and doesn’t last nearly as long as it used to. That, in and of itself, gives me hope to keep pushing forward…even when the condition of my heart is crying out for mercy and wants to quit. Although, 2020 was a year filled with a lot of uncertainty, I felt happier and freer than I had in a very long time. In mid-March, my employer shut and locked the office doors and sent us all home, fully equipped with the capability to work remotely. I have to admit, I sure didn’t know how they expected us to process paperless loans but somehow, we managed. Even in the middle of being uprooted from my routine and having to learn a new way to do my job, I felt amazingly happy and very thankful to able to work from home so I could continue to have an income. Which was yet another reminder of God’s constant provision. As I look

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