Hope – Page 2 – Reflecting His Heart Ministries

Thank You for the Valley

1 Comment / Comfort, Healing, Hope, Joy / Jennifer / September 29, 2022

My counselor gave me an assignment. During one of our sessions a few months ago, I was a bit down and felt as if my healing journey had taken a few steps back. I felt stuck. In order to put my healing journey into perspective, Holly asked me to go back and read previous writings then compare them to where I am now. I had never thought to do that so I did as she suggested. I was pleasantly surprised to find I have come much further than I thought. Guess that’s why she’s the professional. The past eight blog posts, with the exception of From House to Home, have been part of that assignment, as is this one. (I have a few more I’m working on as well.) My eyes have been opened, not only to the kind of man I was married to and how very abused I was, but to the growth and healing that have definitely taken place. Back then, I was such a frightened young woman, living completely in denial, trying to cover up and hide my reality, and all the while being and doing everything possible to hold onto my marriage. However, I now know and understand the reason for the valleys and why God left me in them for as long as He did. It took time to unravel the tangled web of lies and manipulation I was living under. God revealed truth to me gradually, possibly so I’d be accepting of each one as they came. God knows my heart like no other and He knows exactly what I need, exactly when I need it. Had He revealed everything at once, it may have been far too overwhelming. But as each part was brought into the Light, my faith grew stronger. I can see that now. With all that being said, the excerpt below was originally written on July 20, 2015, but I need to fill in some background details first. At the time I wrote it, my ex-husband worked for the Missile Defense Agency and was given the job to build a missile site in Japan. The project started with a parcel of land, in the middle of a rural area, completely covered with trees and was home to a hoard of wild monkeys. His job was to clear it all off then set up an Army post, complete with all the amenities needed to sustain those who would be working and living there once it was complete. He had many months of work ahead of him which meant he’d be going back and forth to Japan for a very long time. Before a project of this caliber is started, there are several short trips to the region to make plans with the locals and check out the site, etc. It was during one of these short trips, my ex-husband met the woman who would, eventually, be the catalyst for the end of our marriage. I’m convinced, he somehow finagled his way into getting the assignment just so he could continue to travel to Japan (completely at the government’s expense, I might add) to be with her. His first thirty-day trip was planned for August 2015 and I was completely devastated. I always hated to be separated from him but the start of this assignment would be the longest we’d been apart since he came home from his year deployment to Kuwait in 1998. I also believe I was still reeling from the discovery of his “emotional affair” a few months before this and didn’t trust him. (See No More Idol Excuses) I can see now, even though I had no idea what my ex was doing behind my back, God was preparing me for the end. July 20, 2015 I am in a valley. I’m sitting here reflecting over the twelve plus years of my walk through this life with Jesus. My faith and my trust have been tested too many times to count. There have been some deep valleys. Ones so deep I thought I’d never find my way out. But there have also been some wonderful mountaintop experiences, too. However, those didn’t seem to last as long. But if I were allowed to stay on the mountaintop, how would I learn anything new? How would I grow? It’s in the valley experiences and in the trials where I learn the most valuable lessons. It’s there I have to totally rely on Jesus to get me through. There was a time in my life when I would beg God to take the trial away and set me back up on the mountaintop. And you know what? He never did. Why? Because He knew I needed that valley for a specific purpose. He was teaching me even though I didn’t understand or see what He was doing. I don’t beg God to take valleys away anymore. It’s not that I enjoy walking there but it’s in those times I feel my Savior’s arms around me. It’s there He wipes away my tears. It’s there His Spirit whispers to me, “It’s going to be okay. I am here. I will never let you go.” He is so faithful. He doesn’t let go. He never leaves me. Recently, I was hurled into a valley so deep that I didn’t see any way out. I just didn’t know what to do. I was sobbing and asking God, “Why, God? Why are You taking me here? Noooooooo…” You know what God did? He let me cry and protest as loud as I wanted but then all of a sudden, I felt the most wonderful peace come over me and my sobs softened. It was as if all He said was, “Shhh…” and that was it. Did He immediately lift me out of the valley and take all the hurt away? No, He did not. In fact, I’m still in it and He is, too. Walking right beside me, holding my hand. Can we

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No More Idol Excuses

Leave a Comment / Healing, Hope, Surrender / Jennifer / September 3, 2022

He was my idol. In 1975, I was a pre-teen. Every month, I anxiously awaited for the latest issue of Tiger Beat Teen Idol magazine to hit the grocery store magazine rack. Once I held it in my hands, I couldn’t wait to get home so I could pour over its pages and all the teen idols that were photographed in it. In my day, David Cassidy, Donny Osmond and Andy Gibb were the most popular with girls on the verge of becoming teenagers. I read the magazine from cover to cover then carefully tore out the portraits and taped them on my bedroom wall. These guys were perfect in my estimation and became my crushes. However, deep down, I knew I’d never meet them, let alone any one of them ever becoming my Prince Charming. But it was nice to dream about one of them coming for me on a white horse then carry me away to a far away land to live happily ever after. He was my idol. For fifteen seasons, American Idol was a popular show on TV. People from all over the country would travel for miles to stand in line for hours to perhaps get a shot at becoming the next pop sensation. Sadly, a lot of those people went home with their dreams crushed. The chances of actually being chosen were slim and yet, there were thousands who reached for that moment of fame. The chance to be someone. The chance to be the next “American Idol”. He was my idol. The Old Testament is becoming alive to me. There was a time when I didn’t completely understand it but recently, God has been using the stories contained within its pages to teach me some valuable lessons about life. One such book is Hosea. In the first chapter of this Old Testament book, God tells His prophet, Hosea, to take for his wife a prostitute named Gomer. Although it might seem a little strange for God to tell Hosea to marry this woman of harlotry, He had a specific reason for doing so. The purpose of Hosea’s union with a prostitute was to demonstrate how God’s people were being unfaithful to Him by abandoning Him and worshipping other gods. The Northern Kingdom of Israel had turned their backs on God and were worshipping idols. Hosea warned them time and again of their impending attack and enslavement by the Assyrians if they didn’t repent, turn from their idols, and come back to Jehovah God. The chances of Gomer staying faithful to Hosea were pretty slim. She did eventually go back to her old ways, even though she and Hosea had a life together that included three children. This hurt Hosea very deeply because he loved Gomer. God told Hosea to demonstrate love and grace toward Gomer and buy her back from the man she was with. He was obedient and did as God instructed him to do. Hosea loved Gomer and gave her a second chance as God had instructed him to do. He was my idol. So, what exactly is an idol? Webster defines it this way. “A representation or symbol of an object of worship; a false god; a false conception” Simply put, an idol is anything that takes God’s place in our life. Period. Six Years, Nine Months, and Twenty-Nine Days Later The words above were originally written on November 6, 2015. It’s an excerpt from a writing named Idol Excuses posted on my previous website. For the better part of my marriage, my ex was the be all end all of my existence. It’s something I’m certainly not proud of. Not in the least. I always told myself I would never knowingly put anyone or anything before God and yet, my former spouse took precedence over everyone and everything in my life. For quite some time, I have been hard-pressed to write about this facet of my previous life. I’ve struggled greatly with the direction it needed to go and the purpose for which it would serve. It’s not an easy topic to broach. Reflecting on this particular part of the past brings with it a lot of pain, heartache, and quite honestly, it’s absolutely exhausting. However, as with every past writing, I know sharing my experience will also bring healing and restoration, not only to myself but perhaps to others as well. I always pray my experiences and subsequent lessons learned, will touch others and bring along with them hope and healing. In May of 2015, I learned my ex had been exchanging emails with some women in Japan. At first, he laughed it off and told me they were just some friends he worked with while we were stationed there. I told him he had no business emailing other women, even if they were “just friends”. He agreed with me and said he wouldn’t do it anymore but from that point on, I was always suspicious of his email activity. He had lied about many things in the past so my radar was definitely engaged. Shortly after that conversation, he became very guarded with his tablet and phone. He was definitely hiding something. I could sense it. However, I didn’t have any evidence to prove it so I started observing him a little more closely. It wasn’t long after that initial discovery, he made another trip to Japan for his employer. His trips had become more frequent and were a bit longer every time he went. Late one evening, I was sitting in bed scrolling through Facebook when I suddenly felt compelled to check his email. I had only felt this sense of urgency a few times before and I knew exactly Who it had come from. I only remembered one password for his email account, he’d given me years before, and I thought surely if he were hiding something, he’d change it. But he hadn’t. Somehow I believe that even if he had changed it, God

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The Balancing Ask

1 Comment / Healing, Hope, Surrender / Jennifer / July 26, 2022

Balance. What was the first thought that came to mind when you read that word? Did you think of a scale with equal weight on each side? Mental or emotional steadiness? Stability? A checkbook? A gymnast? Justice? When my kids were little, we enjoyed going to the circus. My favorite part was the high wire acts. To see the performers walk along that wire as if it were four feet wide absolutely astounded me. In reality, the high-wire they walk on is only half an inch wide. Their incredible balance is nothing short of amazing. I know many hours of practice have been spent perfecting such a walk and I’m sure there were just as many hours spent falling as well. I can’t help but think how rewarding it must’ve been the first time a performer stepped out on the half inch high-wire and made it to the other side. I’m sure the adrenaline rush made them feel incredible, along with a great sense of accomplishment. However, just because they make it to the other side one time doesn’t mean they stop practicing the art of balance. They must walk the wire daily to ensure they don’t lose the skill. Before my divorce, there were many times it felt as if my entire life was a balancing act. Imagine, waking up each morning, hoping and praying that “today will be different” yet knowing deep in your heart, it wouldn’t. Imagine, attempting to keep someone else happy, when the rules of the game kept changing, without being made privy to such changes. It is completely impossible and equally as exhausting. Imagine, looking forward to him coming home after work yet, dreading the mood he’d be in, all at the same time. Back in those days, daily life for me was one performance after another; one balancing act after another. It was a daily practice for me so I became quite efficient at it. Do I smile and pretend everything is okay? Do I dare ask him where he’s been and why he’s so late? Do I admit how miserable I am? I kept a lot of things to myself because, somehow I knew, once I broached the subject of what or how I was feeling, it would be the beginning of the end. My entire existence was one of denial. Sometimes, I don’t even know how I lived day to day in such an unstable environment. It was only by God’s grace. He sustained me. Now, each and every morning I wake up, I am beyond thankful for all God has done for me, what He’s blessed me with, and what He’s doing in the lives of my children and grandchildren. But along with the thanksgiving filling my heart, there is great sadness. For the past few weeks, I’ve been feeling out of sorts. Everything external is still very much the same. It’s what’s happening on the inside that’s giving me pause. I know God is at work because I feel it. I just don’t know what He’s working on. And that is okay because I trust Him completely. Perhaps it’s just more purging and healing. While I no longer feel my life is a balancing act of going through the motions or putting on a performance, there is another sort of balancing act I’ve been struggling with. When I got married and started down the path of having my own family, all I knew was “til death do us part”. My grandparents had been married for over 50 years and I know my parents would’ve achieved that milestone as well had my daddy not been called home in 2002. My family has a long history of staying married until death do you part so I had no other thought than I’d achieve that as well. When I did not, my entire life was thrown off balance. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. This is what I’m trying to balance. This is what my heart is grieving for. Not for the narcissistic, controlling man who did not love me. Not for the marriage that was doomed before it even began. But rather, for what could’ve been had he not made the life choices he did. I didn’t know I would grieve for something that never took place. How does that even work? How do you grieve over nothing? How does my past, present, and future ever find balance? In her book, Made Like Martha, Katie M. Reid shared the story of a man named Alex Tizon whose parents owned a modern-day slave, named Lola. She was never paid and was ill-treated and abused for decades. After his parents died, Lola went to live with Alex and his family. She was no longer a slave but because she had lived as one for many years, she had a difficult time making the transition to freedom in his home. Alex assured Lola over and over that she was no longer a slave but was considered one of his family. She was free to do as she wanted as a member of his household yet she continued to do all the things required of her as if she were still a slave. It’s what she knew. She reverted to those slave-like tendencies and thought as a slave because they were familiar. She was in unknown territory and struggled with adjusting to her new way of life. This story resonated within me. I could relate to Lola’s feelings because I’ve felt them myself. I was in my marriage relationship just shy of 35 years. I was controlled and manipulated from day one. Even though it was very subtle at first, after three-plus decades, it’s deeply ingrained. I struggled to balance all the things I was responsible for (ie: full-time job, the house, the laundry, the bills, etc) as well as a man who wanted me to drop everything and run to his side the moment he called, no matter what I was otherwise

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Satisfaction Guaranteed

Leave a Comment / Healing, Hope, Peace, Relationship / Jennifer / June 3, 2022

I have been reflecting. Before Tami and I started this online ministry, I had a previous website I started in June of 2015. I had been thinking about having it deleted since I no longer use it and, more importantly, the writings on that site cover the exact time span as the last two and a half years of my marriage. I felt the site had become irrelevant as all the content is from the past and there’s no sense dwelling on what used to be. Especially now that my life is the complete opposite from my existence back then. However, I haven’t had time to pursue that thought any further and I’ve recently learned why. For the past week or so, I have felt compelled by the Spirit to go back to that previous site and read the content posted there. I really didn’t understand the reason for delving into writings from the past, but I have learned to be obedient without asking questions so I did as He asked. There was definitely a reason for the delay in my hasty thought to erase the past. As I’ve said many times in the past, I do not believe in coincidence. I believe God is in control of what happens in my life and His timing is perfect. I believe every event that has transpired in my life thus far, is by design. Every single situation He allows to touch my life has been filtered through His loving hand first. And since I believe He’s in control of it, I know He’ll see me through it. With that being said, I haven’t had the chance to read all of the posts yet but the few I’ve managed to get to, have been very telling. The woman I found myself reading about was constantly worried, an impulsive buyer, used “retail therapy” as a means of coping, an obsessive planner, depressed, anxious, and fearful. Writing after writing told of weak faith, even weaker trust, a bad attitude, and a constant, overwhelming feeling of dread. As I read, I almost started to feel sorry for the person I used to be but then I realized the reason for the reflection. All those previous posts have shown me how very far God has brought me since those days. I am a completely different person today and it’s all because God allowed and used a heart-wrenching, painful event to show me who He is! The myriad of situations I wrote about, complete with all the traits above, were but a training ground to prepare me for the past four years. What God has done in my heart since 2015, is nothing short of a miracle. I used to have a serious obsession with purses. It didn’t matter how many I had in my closet, I rationalized each impulsive purchase with the reasoning I could always use a new one. I would go to the mall and not even be thinking about buying a new one and yet, when I’d walk by the department store Michael Kors or Kate Spade handbag section, it was as if I could hear them calling to me. “Buy me! Buy me! Buy me!” Without fail, I’d find myself at the check out counter, handing my credit card over to the sales associate. Once I got home, I immediately switched all the contents from my perfectly good current purse, to the new one. Oh, and it looked so good. I loved the smell of new leather and, most importantly, the way it made me feel. But you know what? After awhile, the new wore off, the smell of the leather grew faint, and it no longer made me feel happy. The new purse I just had to have, had lost its appeal. Then the next time I’d go to the mall, I’d end up at the same department store handbag section, checking out with the next handbag I just couldn’t live without. It was an endless, vicious cycle, and I was trapped in it. I realize now, I was trapped in that cycle because I was completely empty. I had Jesus, yes, but, at that time, the priorities I’d set for where He stood in my life were completely out of line. It’s painful to admit but my ex-spouse held the highest priority in my heart during our marriage. He came before anything and anyone, to include Jesus and my children. He was an idol, but that’s a subject for another time. When our relationship started to change and he was spending less time at home and more time traveling, I began to search for something to fill the void his absence left. Instead of running full speed into the arms of Jesus, I ran full speed into the arms of retail therapy and very expensive designer handbags. I looked for each new purchase to somehow, miraculously, fill the void in my heart and heal the deep longing in my soul. They did not. The only thing I received from those impulsive shopping sprees was credit card debt, a closet full of empty handbags, and an even emptier heart. God created all of us with an empty space that only He can fill; that only He can satisfy. However, He also created us with a free will so it’s up to us to either choose Him to fill that longing or look for other things to take His place. Things of this would are temporal and do not satisfy and yet, worldly pleasures and indulgences seem to be what most are after. To include me. King Solomon described this as “chasing after the wind.” (Ecclesiastes 1). We have an adversary, the devil, who uses every opportunity to distract and lead us away from God. More often than not, it was quite easy for him to distract me with the simple whiff of new leather. He knew my weakness and used it against me. In John chapter 4, we find the story

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In the Know and the No

1 Comment / Comfort, Encouragement, Healing, Hope / Jennifer / May 21, 2022

Has God ever told you no? Did you just accept it and carry on? OR Did you pitch a fit then proceed to whine at Him, complete with a myriad of reasons why it’s not fair and you really didn’t care for His answer? I must be completely honest and openly admit, there have been many times during this healing journey I have experienced being told no by my Father and I didn’t like it. Not one bit. I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels that way at times. The age old saying “the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree” applies here as I know another little guy who relates to feeling this way. My grandson, Carson. When Carson was about four, whenever he’d receive the answer of no from one or both of his parents, he started whining. If that didn’t draw enough attention, he then proceeded to throw himself on the floor and roll around screaming. Like most of us, his Nana included, Carson had (and still has from time to time) his own agenda and ideas about how things should play out. He’s seven now and has grown a lot from those early days of tantrums but he still struggles with hearing the word no once in awhile. As do I. In times past, when God has told me no, I didn’t physically throw myself on the floor and roll around screaming but it didn’t stop me from taking that posture in my heart. To God, I was acting like a four-year-old child, whining, and wanting my own way. Can you relate to feeling that way sometimes? Carson has always been a Nana’s boy. Not really sure why he chose me to be his person but he did. He and I talk about many things. He’s a pretty deep thinker and enjoys the art of conversation. He reminds me of the young boy who is the next door neighbor in the first Home Alone movie. Always full of questions and wanting answers to every single one right now but not waiting for the answer before asking the next question. Sometimes I truly wonder if that’s how God sees me when I question His sovereignty over my life. Hmmmmm. I’ll never forget a conversation Carson and I had one morning after he’d spent the night with me. I was getting ready for work and he came into my bathroom. He greeted me with his very sweet, “Good morning, Nana!”, gave me a hug, then crawled up on my bed. After a few minutes, I noticed he was watching me pretty intently and I knew the wheels were turning in his head. “Do you remember what we talked about a few days ago, Carson?” He shook his head in affirmation but I clearly doubted he actually remembered. “We talked about being good for your mama today. Do you remember?” “Yes, Nana.” “Do you remember Who wants you to be good for your mama?” He just smiled. I put down whatever it was I was holding in my hand and walked over to the bed where he was sitting. I got down on my knees next to the bed so we could be face to face. He was staring at me so intently, I knew this was about to be a God moment. “Carsey, Jesus wants you to be good for your mama. The Bible tells us that we are to obey our parents. They know what’s best for us. Jesus loves you very much and He wants you to do whatever your mama and daddy tell you to do. You may not always understand why they tell you no or why they stop you from doing something they know will hurt you but they can see things you can’t see. You have to trust them all the time because you never know what’s ahead and they can see what’s all around you.” It was then the realization of my own words shook me to my soul and took hold of my heart. I had no idea it would be a God moment for me as well. When you’ve walked with God for a long time, you just know when He’s impressing a deep lesson onto your heart. You don’t have to stop and ask Him for an explanation. You just know. “You may not always understand why I tell you no or why I stop you from doing something I know will hurt you. I can see things you can’t see. You have to trust Me all the time because you never know what’s ahead and I can see what’s all around you.” Suddenly, I was no longer the teacher. I had become the child. The lesson in obedience I was trying to teach my precious, young grandson became a lesson for me. Obedience without understanding all the facts is exactly what God has been teaching me since this wilderness-type journey with Him began. On that day, three years ago, God used a conversation with a four-year old to show me I had been acting just like one. I whined and cried to get my own way. I had looked at His answer of no as a way of punishing me and keeping me from something I thought would be good. Have you ever been stuck in wanting your own way? Stuck in the past? Stuck in the pain of a life altering event? In your own thoughts? In your own agenda? As I drove to work later that morning, I couldn’t get the conversation I’d had with Carson off my mind nor the subsequent realization that, at times, I was no different as God’s child than that of my four-year-old grandson. As I drove and pondered that conversation, the Holy Spirit pressed another realization into my heart. He very gently reminded me of a Bible story I’ve heard my entire life but at that time, took on a completely different meaning. Never had

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From Head to Heart

2 Comments / Encouragement, Healing, Hope, Strength / Jennifer / April 20, 2022

Have you ever felt sad and didn’t know why? Have uncontrollable tears ever fallen down your cheeks with no warning? In the past few months, this has happened to me a number of times. I was incredibly sad for no apparent reason. I am in a very good place in my life. I have more joy than I ever have before. I’ve just had a good health report from my doctor. My kids and grandkids are all healthy. I have a beautiful home, a wonderful job, an amazing church family, and a car that gets me where I need to go. I am blessed beyond measure and yet, I couldn’t break free from the sadness. About a month ago, I was sitting on the couch with my morning coffee in hand and bible on my lap. I really didn’t know where to start, let alone which book to study. So, I whispered this short prayer, “What am I missing, Jesus?”, and opened my bible. This is the scripture I opened to. “…yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God. For the Lord gives wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding; He stores up sound wisdom for the upright; He is a shield to those who walk in integrity, guarding the paths of justice and watching over the way of His saints. Then you will understand righteousness and justice and equity, every good path; for wisdom will come into your heart and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul.” ~ Proverbs 2:3-10 ESV God is so very faithful. He does not disappoint. He very clearly answered my question. When we seek Him with all of our heart, His word promises we will find Him. (Jeremiah 29:13) He does not disappoint. After reading the scripture above, it was then I realized I had been overcome with sadness for several days before I even stopped to ask Jesus what I was missing. But why? Why did I wait so long to call out to the One who loves me more than anyone else ever could? Why didn’t I think to call on Him immediately? Why did I do that? Why do we do that? I believe there are a few answers to this question. We either think we’re imagining it, will go away on its own, or we get comfortable in our present state. It could even be a combination of all three. When everything seems to be going well, we’re accomplishing things at work, we have money in the bank, and food on the table, for example, Jesus tends to get put on the back burner. He gets shoved into the rest of the fray and I believe pride is the root cause. Pride creeps in so subtly. Most of the time, I don’t think we even realize it has entered in. We may start to notice little things we’ve done that make us feel good about ourselves. “Wow! I did a good job on that!” OR “I wonder if anyone noticed what a good job I did!” We may even start taking some of the credit for it instead of giving the praise back to God for blessing us with the gift or talent in the first place. Truth be told, this has been me as of late. (just being real here) Recently, all of the good things I’d accomplished at work had gone straight to my head. I’ve been processing mortgage loans for about 24 years now. I have learned a lot of different skills that help me with my work but I didn’t learn those skills on my own. God put amazing mentors around me who poured their knowledge into me. God created my mind and gave me a tenacious personality to work at things faithfully until I achieve the needed result but He blessed my life with others who took time to help me along the way. I don’t deserve nor do I warrant any kind of praise for that. He made me who and what I am. I am nothing without Him. However, pride crept in unawares and I didn’t realize it as such until I woke up one day incredibly sad. I knew something wasn’t right. The sadness I was experiencing was all due to me pushing Jesus to the side and thinking I could handle the day-to-day things without Him then taking credit for it. I cannot. I can do nothing without Him. ” I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in Me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in Me, he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this My Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be My disciples.” ~ John 15:5-8 ESV I need Jesus every single second of every single day. Even though my head was telling me all was well and to let it go, my heart was screaming out something entirely different. I had cut myself off from the Vine, I was withering, and my heart knew it. Oh, how I love the precious word of God and how it calls me back to where I need to be! We are to seek after God as if we were seeking for silver or hidden treasure. If those things are valuable enough for ones to seek on earth, how much more should we seek after the LORD who is invaluable??!! He is absolutely priceless! I was moved to tears as I sat there. First, I repented and asked forgiveness

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Speaking Truth and Light to the Silent Darkness

5 Comments / Encouragement, Healing, Hope / Tami / March 26, 2022

“I did not speak in secret, in a land of darkness; I did not say to the offspring of Jacob, ‘Seek me in vain.’ I the Lord speak the truth; I declare what is right.” ~ Isaiah 45:19 Lately, I’ve been feeling listless, restless, uneasy, empty, aimless and out-of-sorts. I’ve felt this way at other times in life, usually in relation to fleeting or unfortunate circumstances; a temporary downturn. We all have them. But as I look more closely at this moody word list, it begins to resemble a quiver of arrows, all pointing toward one, encompassing, emotional theme: purposelessness. Or so it seems. I know I was not created without purpose, and neither were you, but honestly it is how I’ve been feeling for longer than I care to. Pondering this thought a little further, I sadly determine I’ve hit on something significant. I’ve battled depression most of my adult life, probably longer, with subtle signs evident as early as high school. I see this only now, looking back. I wish I’d known then what I know now (don’t we all), as I could have interpreted the world around me, and those in it, differently. I would have understood that my terrifying fear of abandonment was a perfectly expected reaction to the periodic silent treatment I endured in my youth, and the on again-off again absence of affirmation, conversation, and relationship that was utilized as a form of discipline. Silence effectively told me I’d been a disappointment, although I didn’t always know why. But emotional abandonment isn’t discipline. It is wrong, plain and simple. Routinely cutting the lines of communication in a valued relationship, especially with a young child, is traumatizing. In my case, it laid the groundwork for developing a mindset that emotional control over my life belonged to others, not me; toying with my emotions became permissible and ripe for the taking. Further, it set the stage for my people-pleasing propensity and this became my mission, because I would do almost anything to make the pain of silence and rejection end. Every human being comes into this world with a need for love, affection and acceptance, and being ignored by a significant other isn’t conducive to any of that. By school age the silent treatment was a well-established form of “communication” that grew more frequent as I entered my teen years. I learned early that communication can happen with a voice…or with no voice at all. (Something occurred to me just this very minute: I have loved the written word since my youth. I prefer it over verbal communication a thousand fold. I find that ironic; isn’t it amazing how, even late in life, the lightbulb can suddenly come on?) Anyway, growing up, there were other instances of implied abandonment, or the outright-stated-threat of leaving that I won’t go into at this time, but never-the-less they escalated my fears. As time marched into adulthood and I left home, this nearly-all-consuming fear of losing loved ones kept me chained to a controlling spouse, who did his homework and learned well how to keep me tethered. He studied the people-pleasing aspects of my personality and took full advantage. Ironically, it was the laying open of my heart and soul that taught him where I was vulnerable. He learned well the lessons that I unwittingly divulged as I shared stories of my youth. I thought in confiding in him that I was running to safety, a harbor in the storm. I naively believed my purpose was to take care of him and love all his demons away. If I could somehow make up for everything he lacked or lost in boyhood, then he would be happy, and by extension, I could be happy. But once he learned this about me, he began to expect that his happiness was my purpose. Just as in childhood, my job, my purpose, was to appease certain others, and in this case, him. I was to be present and accounted for, even if he wasn’t (and he often wasn’t). If I failed to be pleasing in any way (perish the thought), then his sadness or anger or other myriad emotions became my fault. I shouldered the blame and the punishment: silence, shouting, shoving and leaving. And that, my friends, isn’t simply an unkind person; it is the essence of betrayal by a master manipulator impersonating a “husband”. It’s an insidious malignancy of torture that eats away a person’s soul until they feel so small and empty the only thing alive is a heart, faintly beating in the chest, and lungs that weakly breathe in and out. Consequently, I would often recite to him this old Mother Goose rhyme: Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater, Had a wife and couldn’t keep her, Put her in a pumpkin shell, And there he kept her very well. It was a favorite nursery rhyme of mine as a child because I loved pumpkins, but in truth, I had no idea what it meant. Later I came to realize I was once again held captive under a heavy hand, this time by a controlling, alcoholic, narcissistic abuser who reeled in the catch of his life, gutted me and put my carcass on the mantle above the fire; the trophy wife he could display like a prized, hunted, and very dead animal. And from the outside no one could see that I, indeed, was hollow. Bottom-line, I’ve made some poor decisions in my life. Not all of them, but when I did, they were significant. For instance, why did I marry this man in the first place? The answer is important (and I hope this saves even one person from misery!) The reason was to flee a perceived lack of control over my life as a young, single woman. The root that took hold so long ago from the punishing silence was now bearing fruit. I was living at home in my early twenty’s, and still under (perceived) authority even at that age.

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Never Too Late

3 Comments / Encouragement, Healing, Hope / Tami / January 13, 2022

“Then the Lord answered me and said, ‘Write the vision and make it plain on tablets.’” ~ Habakkuk 2:2 I love a blank page: A new journal never written in; a new binder with crisp, white pages begging to be filled. For most of us, January feels like the time to begin something new. For me, it’s always the same; I long to fill the pages of my notebook from the pages of real life. It’s all well and good at this point; fun and games and pie in the sky dreams. Then reality hits. I’m the one who’s supposed to offer up the ink, to form the words, to weave the story that fills these pages with tales, and lessons learned from daily life. But without fail fear begins its nagging whispers, and panic hangs heavy, until it enshrouds me and I succumb to literary paralysis. I have fallen prey to this tactic of the enemy for many years. It became a stronghold long ago, and this isn’t the first resolve I’ve made to change my trajectory. I do, however, hope it’s my final resolve. Somehow, this year, this season of my life, seems more urgent and the call to obedience is absolutely non-negotiable. Is it because my age literally stares me in the face on a daily basis? If we’re given three-score and ten years of life on this earth, or four-score if we’re lucky, then I’m on my last “score”, and I’m acutely reminded that the dead cannot proclaim the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. The issue, aside from age, is disobedience. I’ve known since I was 12 years old I was to be a writer and share the love of God through my creativity with words. We don’t get to be “creative” with the Word of God, but if words are our area of art and giftedness, then we are to use this gift “as unto the Lord.” I am guilty of allowing fear to limit my efforts, and without that effort there are no results. Seeds of life planted, watered and nurtured by reflection and study are for the purpose of teaching others, lifting up our fellow man and communicating Jesus’ Gospel of love to the ends of the earth. But if we leave the ripened fruit (our gifts) unharvested, withering on the vine or rotting on the ground, never shared with the world or those in need, then what good is that? I don’t want to go to my grave, taking with me all I’ve learned, to be buried with me there. I want to share it now, today, in this life in the hopes that God will take my tiny offering and multiply it as only He can. Just as He did when He blessed the little boy’s lunch of fish and bread, or like He did with the widow’s two mites. They gave all they had, unreservedly. After three-score on this earth, I am ready to release my fears to the only One who can calm them, and get in line with the boy and his brown-bag lunch, and the poor widow with only two cents to her name, and trust Jesus to multiply my words for the sake of others who are hurting like me. I am curious about what I will write in this coming year, and wonder about where it will lead and what works it might accomplish. And while those musings are all well and good, it will continue to be for nothing if I don’t relinquish my fear daily, push up my sleeves and dig around in the dirt (water, prune and feed), so that in time a healthy harvest can nourish those in need, rather than going to waste in the fields of my own mind where no one benefits. It is my prayer that you will join me on this venture, walking with me on a road I’ve never really braved before, as we focus on the joy of togetherness for the journey, more than simply a final destination. “I will take my stand at my watchpost and station myself on the tower, and look out to see what He will say to me, and what I will answer concerning my complaint. And the LORD answered me: ‘Write the vision; make it plain on tablets, so he may run who reads it.’ For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.’” ~ Habakkuk 2:1-3

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The Cost of Surrender

Leave a Comment / Healing, Hope, Relationship / Jennifer / October 30, 2021

I learned a new song at church a few weeks ago. New to me, that is. You may know it. You may have even sung it. As I listened to the words of the chorus, they became very convicting. “I will make room for You, To do whatever You want to, To do whatever You want to.” Really? These words state commitment. These words state “not my will, not my way, not how I want things; I want YOUR will, YOUR way, the way YOU want things, Jesus.” How many of us could truly sing this song and actually mean the words coming from our lips? Can we sing them with conviction and commitment? The song goes on… Here is where I lay it down, Every burden, every crown, This is my surrender, This is my surrender. Here is where I lay it down, Every lie and every doubt, This is my surrender, This is my surrender. I will make room for You, To do whatever You want to, To do whatever You want to. Shake up the ground of all my tradition, Break down the walls of all my religion, Your way is better, Your way is better. Here is where I lay it down, You’re all I’m chasing now, This is my surrender, This is my surrender.” ~ Written by Trinity Anderson This is a beautiful praise song and the words so heart felt. They stir up a lot of emotion. As I listened to them being sung, they took me back to a day a little over four years ago now. Seems like it was only yesterday. My entire life, the lives of my children, and the lives of my grandchildren were forever changed with a few simple, whispered words. “Yes, Jesus. I choose You.” That was my surrender and it changed my life forever. I do not regret my decision to surrender nor do I regret the events that have transpired since. I know they were God’s will and path for my life. Now. But at the time, the only thing I knew was I trusted Him with my entire being and I knew that no matter what happened beyond that moment, He would be in control and take care of me. I surrendered. Everything. And it was incredibly painful. However, I have come to realize something I didn’t know back then. ~ God is in the Details ~ In the pivotal moment I surrendered everything, I truly expected God to restore my marriage. I don’t remember praying for God to restore it; just seemed like a given. Divorce wasn’t even on my radar. The word never even crossed my mind. We were both raised with parents who had been married for years and divorce just didn’t happen. I just knew he’d feel the same way. I’d been with him from the age of 19. He practically raised me. He taught me everything I knew. I could not imagine my life without him. After all, he loved me as I loved him. We could get through anything, just as we’d done for years. When his lies were brought to light, I asked him why he cheated on me and how in the world he could choose another after all the years we’d been together. You can imagine my shock and disbelief when I heard him say, “I just wanted to be happy and I’m not willing to save our marriage.” No emotion. No remorse. No empathy. Just very matter of fact. Even though he had pathologically lied to me up to that point, I knew those words he spoke, were truth. He willingly, consciously chose to go his own way and not look back. He chose to turn his back on me, our children, and our grandchildren; never to return. At first, I believe I was in shock. I thought he loved me as I loved him. Clearly, that was not the case. I was completely broken. Shattered is really more like it. Yet, even in the grief, I knew I’d made the right choice. I wanted Jesus more than I wanted him. Even in the brokenness, I was at peace, my mind resolute, and I knew I’d be okay. As long as I had Jesus, I knew I’d make it through. You might be wondering how those emotions can possibly be felt all at the same time. Seems like you’d feel one way or the other, right? But, when you know Jesus and have a personal relationship with Him, you know feelings such as these co-mingle quite often. Peace in pain. Serenity in sorrow. Grace in grief. I don’t completely understand how it happens but I can testify that it does. I have lived it and experienced it over and over myself and it’s the only way I want to live. With Jesus in control. With Jesus in the lead. With Jesus guiding my every step. When I chose God over my ex, I meant it. With all my heart, I meant it. Which brings me back to the song above. As these words fell on my ears during worship, I could’t help but wonder how many around me realized what they were singing. Did they truly understand the magnitude of what it means to surrender? Or were they just song lyrics, on a big screen, being sung without considering their message? In Matthew 16:24 and following, Jesus spoke these words. “Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wants to come after Me, he must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.” ~ Matthew 16:24-25 NASB What does it mean to deny oneself? It’s a pretty tall order to deny our own wants and desires. For myself, it seems to be a daily surrendering of what I think I want for my life. My emotions fluctuate from one day to the next.

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Just Breathe

1 Comment / Encouragement, Hope / Jennifer / August 28, 2021

Ever After is my favorite movie. From the time I was a little girl, I dreamed about the man God would give me to spend the rest of my life with. I think all little girls do that at one time or another. I would put one of my mom’s sheer curtains on my head as a veil, pick some wildflowers for my bouquet, and pretend to walk down the aisle toward my handsome prince. I guess it’s just the romantic in me that is happy when she finally gets her handsome prince and her evil step-mother and step-sister finally get what they deserve and become servants in the palace. But it may go just a bit deeper for me. There is one line in particular that gets me every time. Danielle has just arrived at the Masked Ball and she whispers to herself, “Breathe. Just breathe.” She is about to reveal to the Prince who she really is. She whispers these words to herself as a way to calm her anxiety as well as the overwhelming emotions that are surging through her. Well, as in any fairy tale, her plans are thwarted. Her step-mother tells the Prince she’s just a servant in her home and before Danielle can explain, the Prince rejects her in front of everybody. Not the way she pictured this scene in her mind, I am quite sure. In the years since giving my heart to Jesus, I have found myself uttering those same words, many times. However, in a slightly different format. The times I have prayerfully uttered these words seem to have one thing in common. They’ve been uttered from the depths of a wounded and fragile heart when I feel as if I just can’t take one more thing. When it feels as if the walls are closing in, the tears won’t cease, and I just can’t bear it anymore, somehow, the words find a way up from my soul, through my heart, and out through my lips. “Breathe on me, Holy Spirit. Just breathe.” Once this softly whispered prayer has been spoken, it’s as if heaven itself cannot hold Him back. It’s like He’s finally hearing the words He’s been longing to hear. I feel His comforting presence all around me and hear His gentle whisper in my ear. “I am here, child. You are safe in My arms. I have you. Do not be afraid. I am here. Forever.” I am stronger in moments such as this than at any other time in my life. It’s when He breathes over my life that I am strong. Here I am, at my weakest point and yet I feel strong, in Him. “But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9a (ESV) “My power is made perfect in weakness.” Let your mind dwell on those words for a moment. It’s when we are at our weakest, He can fill us with His power. When we’ve exhausted and frustrated ourselves doing all we can to fix a situation only to find out it’s an impossible task, we finally call out to Him. And you know what? He’s always there. No matter how many times we’ve done it before. He is faithful to hear us and come when we call. I am sure on more than one occasion, His heart has cried out, “Why did you wait so long?” He longs for us to call out to Him. He wants to be our constant help but He won’t force Himself into our lives. He wants us to choose Him and when we finally do, it thrills His heart. What about you? Is there a deep desire in your heart to immediately call on Him when faced with the challenges or hurtful events in this life? Danielle and her Prince Henry do eventually find their way back to each other. They do get married and they do live happily ever after. Ah, fairy tales! You gotta love ’em, right? They make us feel good for a few hours and it’s always a great movie when all ends well. It ends well for us, too, you know. Once upon some unknown time, Jesus WILL return to this earth to gather us up. He WILL take us home to live with Him forever. We WILL see all our loved ones who are there waiting for us. We WILL live happily ever after. Forever and always with our King of Kings and Lord of Lords. But, until then, when you feel like giving up, when you feel it’s not worth the fight, when it hurts to much to speak… Breathe. Just breathe.

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