Healing

Goodbye to the Soul Tie

4 Comments / Healing, Restoration, Surrender / /

I really shouldn’t be surprised. I’m doing what I should’ve been doing my entire life. I had no idea what I was being kept from. My life was, well… It was a life. I lived it. Raised my kids. Followed an Army officer all around the U.S. and Asia. Took care of the homes we lived in. Yet something always felt a little bit off. I couldn’t put my finger on it but it was there. I could feel it. Something that stirred within me. Something that didn’t fit. Yet I denied it. For a very long time. Years, even. But I had made a promise. No. It was deeper than that. It was a covenant. A covenant that was tied to Almighty God. A soul tie. It was supposed to have been forever. Well, at least until death parted us. Not torn asunder by a willful choice. But that’s all it took. One willful choice and it was done. Years of trust completely shattered in just one moment. It could’ve never been mended. How could it? But I hoped. Why? Not sure exactly. Was I afraid to face life alone? Not really. I’d been doing life alone for a long time. I had grown accustomed to eating dinner by myself in front of the tv. I’d learned to live with the deafening silence that filled the rooms of an empty house. Silence can be very loud at times. Was I hoping he’d realize his mistake and come back? Perhaps. We’d been together for over three decades. How do you just walk away from that and start over? I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. I didn’t understand how he could say he loved me yet choose another. What about our covenant? What about our soul tie? Was it okay for only one of us to decide it was over? It was together we made the decision to get married. Why should going our separate ways be any different? If he wanted to live a godless existence and sleep around with others, why didn’t he just let me go? Would it have made a difference? Guess I’ll never know. I would’ve been crushed either way. Instead, he chose to sneak around behind my back. He lied. He cheated. He stole. He lied about everything. His phone activity. His emails. His virtual encounters via FaceTime. Not to mention, countless trips to her country, courtesy of the U.S. government no less. And all of it right under my nose. I was none the wiser. But Someone was. Jesus saw it. Jesus saw every single text message. Every single email. Every single hotel room. It’s all recorded in His book. He will answer for his choices. It’s out of my control. It’s not up to me to save him. I am not his Holy Spirit. Although there were several times I tried to be. I really did. I thought I could get him to see “the error of his ways”. I thought by confronting him, I could win him over. It didn’t work. It did the opposite. Only the Spirit can bring conviction. Only the Spirit can reveal truth that makes one morally accountable. Only the Spirit can expose the reality of one’s heart, one’s intentions, one’s attitude, and one’s actions. I’ve wasted a lot of time. Hoping. Hoping to reunite with a man who did nothing but abuse me. Hoping to reunite with a man who did not cherish me. Hoping to reunite with a man who did not respect me. Yet, even knowing all of that, I’ve been secretly hoping and praying he’d humble his heart, repent, surrender his life to Jesus, and come home to his family. This hope I shared with no one. Didn’t even realize it as truth until a few days ago. It was something my daughter said. Just one thought from her perspective did something to me. I’ve been hoping and praying for something that will not happen. It’s false It’s futile. It’s empty. I can hope and pray from now until the day Jesus calls me home but it’s not up to me. I cannot choose where he spends eternity. It’s his choice. It’s not like he doesn’t know the truth of God’s word. He’s heard it his entire life. From the very beginning of our marriage, it seemed I was tasked with the mission of getting him to turn his life around. It was never said aloud but always felt implied. Perhaps that’s why something always felt a bit off. Perhaps that’s why something didn’t fit. I married a man who wanted very much to stay a part of the world. He didn’t want to change and didn’t plan to. He played his part as I played mine. Only I wasn’t playing. I was in it for life. But it’s over. It’s been over for many years. I’m the one who’s been holding on. But I cannot move forward with his baggage weighing me down. And that’s exactly what he is. Baggage. A pile of lies, betrayal, and shattered pieces. Pieces of an old life not meant to be put back together. An old life that’s nothing more than a pile of ashes. But I know Someone who knows what to do with ashes. Bring beauty from them. Beauty from the ashes of an old life burned down and destroyed by sin. Beauty from the ashes of a covenant rent in two by selfish desires. Beauty from the ashes of a soul tie torn asunder with a single, willful choice. Beauty from the ashes of a shattered, yet healing heart. Beauty from the ashes of a life still very much surrendered to Jesus. On this very day that would’ve been our 40th wedding anniversary, it seems quite fitting to make a choice of my own. Forty years in this wilderness is long enough. Time to move on. With my eyes fixed on Jesus. The Author and Finisher of my faith. I’m sure there will

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In the Direction of Surrender

Leave a Comment / Healing, Surrender / /

Have you ever looked forward to something that was difficult to wait for? As a child, I remember waiting for Christmas. My siblings and I didn’t get a lot of gifts during the year so Christmas was the one time we’d get new toys to play with. Back then, Christmas specials and cartoons were only on tv once during that time and we didn’t have any way to record them, as we do now, so if you missed them the night they aired, you had to wait an entire year for them to be broadcast again. Christmas was always a time I looked forward to and the wait for it seemed endless. The anticipation for each grandchild to be born made nine months feel like forever. I remember the excitement I felt as I looked forward to holding them in my arms, to look into their precious little faces, to whisper how very much I loved them, and how blessed I was (and am) to be their Nana. Back then, nine months seemed like an eternity but at least I knew there was a date I could mark on the calendar to look forward to. Somehow, knowing the time-frame of when I’d be able to hold those precious babies helped with the waiting process. But what about life situations we can’t mark the end date to on our calendar? Something completely out of our control? Something, perhaps, that is on God’s timetable? His timetable is vastly different than ours. “But do not overlook this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.” ~ 2 Peter 3:8 ESV Vastly different. Wouldn’t you agree? One day is a thousand years and a thousand years is one day! How do you even wrap your mind around that? I know I can’t. This is where surrender, faith, and trust must come into play. A few days ago, I was having a conversation with my son and his best friend about a situation going on in our family right now. One we have no control over. One that only God can work out to bring healing and restoration. My son made a statement I’ve heard a lot of Christians use (to include myself) but have since learned, I have been completely wrong. I don’t remember exactly what he said but the gist was he was claiming this situation would be over soon and everything would be okay. Then I asked him, “Where does God’s timing factor into that? Who are we to claim when something is to be over or decree and declare that it will be healed within a certain time-frame? Doesn’t that put us in God’s place? Doesn’t that reasoning make us our own god? What if God’s timing for it to be over is two years from now? Are you okay with that?” He sat and pondered those words for a few moments and had to admit he’d never thought of it that way before. I told him I hadn’t either. Not until a few months ago, that is. Yes, as believers, we have power and strength in the name of Jesus but it’s not something we have in and of ourselves. Apart from Jesus, we can do nothing. (John 15:5) We have God’s word to stand on and can absolutely trust in and believe on His promises for our lives. When going through trials, James tells us to “count them all joy knowing the testing of our faith produces endurance.” (James 1) The apostle Paul told us, “God’s grace is sufficient” for whatever we go through because “His power is perfected in our weakness”. (2 Corinthians 12:9) Relying on and living by the promises and the truth of God’s word is much different than claiming a hurtful life situation will be over just because we say so or want it to be then stand in God’s rightful place as Sovereign in our lives and tell Him what He’s going to do. It makes me uncomfortable just implying that, let alone actually do it and yet, it’s something I’ve done on more than one occasion in my life, of which I’ve repented and asked forgiveness for. (I’m still a work in progress.) I’m so thankful He has opened my eyes to this truth. This “it’s-all-about-me” and “God-is-at-my-beck-and-call” kind of “christianity” is rampant in our world today. More so than ever before. However, it isn’t Christianity at all. It’s a false gospel and many are falling away from the truth and buying into this easy-believism**. It might very well be an easier way to “believe” and a simpler way to live but there’s ZERO accountability and it isn’t real. “For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching (doctrine), but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths.” ~ 2 Timothy 4:3&4 ESV This scripture states very clearly what is happening in the church (as a whole) today. I know there are churches that still preach the inerrant word of God (thankful mine is one of them) but the majority of people in the world today do not want the truth. They want preachers to use soothing words to make them feel good, validate whatever actions they deem acceptable, and not hold them accountable for the choices they make. They have brought the world into the church and are trying to mix the two. As Christians, followers of Jesus, we are to be separate from the world. (2 Corinthians 6:14-18) We are to be a “living sacrifice” which means our lives are to be consecrated, dedicated, devoted, yielded, and surrendered to God. All of which means we give up our own agenda and embrace His. We are to live lives that are “holy and acceptable” to Him. (Romans 12:1) Salvation comes by grace through faith in Jesus.

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Restore

2 Comments / Healing, Reflection, Restoration / /

This is new. I’ve never been here before. I don’t recognize it. It doesn’t remind me of any place I’ve ever been. And I’ve been a lot of places in my life. At least it’s not dark like the last time I was suddenly in a new place. That was scary. It feels different here, too. I can’t see very far down the path in front of me but I’m good with that. I’m thankful I don’t have to worry about what’s up ahead because I know Someone who already does and the way is prepared. So thankful He’ll be with me. One good thing about this place already is the pain isn’t as intense and debilitating as it once was. It’s not completely gone but it’s bearable. Wonder where I am? I’m sure this place has a name. Or maybe it’s just a word? I’ve definitely been to places I could define with just one word. HELP! But this place doesn’t feel desperate or like a place I should fear. Not quite sure how it feels here yet. Hmmmmm… Refreshing? Is that the right word? Maybe it’s still too new to know for sure. Guess I’ll think about it a little longe… You were just listening to me, weren’t You? Just me thinking out loud again. I do that a lot, don’t I? I get caught up in my own thoughts and get carried away sometimes. Yes, You do know that about me. It usually gets me in trouble by going down rabbit holes that distract me and throw me off the path. I was just trying to figure out how it feels here. It sure is. It’s definitely different from the last one. That place caught me completely off guard. Arriving here seems to have happened gradually. Yes, Jesus…that is one thing I learned last time. The places You lead always have purpose and usually come with a process. Just because it’s not as painful as the last one doesn’t mean I’m fooling myself into thinking there might not be a few rough patches along the way. I’ve actually come to expect them. But it does feel peaceful. Maybe that’s the word? Peaceful? Anyway… We’ve never been here before, have we? Didn’t think I recognized it. So, where is here? Do I? ‘Cause I’m not sure I do. I’m still trying to figure it out. I know it took a long time to get here…wherever it is we are…didn’t it? That long? Five years? Sometimes it feels like it all happened just yesterday. I still remember it like it did. But when I look at the date on the calendar, I know it’s true. I know. I struggled a lot during that time. No, it really shouldn’t. After being married as long as we were, it shouldn’t be a surprise. I still struggle sometimes. It was painful. More painful than I ever thought humanly possible. I didn’t know pain such as that even existed, let alone be survivable. Truth be told, somedays I didn’t want to survive. I just wanted You to take me home so it would stop. It was like someone had performed open heart surgery and, instead of mending it, blew it apart and walked away. ((Ugh)) I mean, who does that, Jesus? What type of person would deliberately cause pain and suffering to someone they were supposed to love more than anything? I know…I’ve asked this question a hundred times before…but I still can’t wrap my mind around it. How can anyone deliberately hurt another just for the pure enjoyment of it? It’s sick. The answer? Yes, I do. I do know it. I know it all too well. Someone who doesn’t know You. It was very dark there…in that place…remember? Of course, You do. You planted me there? So much has happened since then. Guess I need to be reminded, once in awhile, of where I started. It’s painful to go back to that place. But reflecting on it does show how far I’ve come. Yes, it was. It was very fast. One day, I was married and the next…well, You know the rest. I was confused, didn’t understand it, didn’t know why… Anyway… ((Sigh)) Yes. Yes, I do remember thinking you planted me as a tree. Not sure how I came to that conclusion being that trees don’t dwell in dark places. But seeds do. A fully grown mature tree starts in the ground as a seed. It’s a process. I was a seed in the dark and in the dirt. Not a very comfortable place to be and yet, I felt very secure. Protected. Covered. In fact, somehow, those feelings have never left me. Hmmmmm. I didn’t think my life could’ve been any lower at that point. I was crushed. I know You remember it, too. That place was such a paradox. I couldn’t figure out how I could be in such a dark place yet sense light. Or how I was seemingly alone yet felt held. And there was pain. Oh, I felt such pain and yet, I felt a soothing touch on my heart. It was strangely quiet, yet I was aware of sound. I can honestly say, I was really scared back then. It was a place that was unknown and did not make sense. But once I realized You were there, I wasn’t afraid anymore. When all I could see was darkness, You were there as the Light I could sense. When I was alone and couldn’t see You, You were there because I could feel You holding me. When I didn’t think I could bear the pain any longer, You were there because I could feel the relief of Your gentle touch on my heart. When it was quiet, You were there because I could hear You rejoicing over me with singing. Oh, yes. I hung on to that passage of scripture with everything within me because it brought such amazing comfort. “The Lord is near

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Rest, Renewal, and Letting Go

2 Comments / Healing, Memories, Reflection, Renewal, Seasons / /

Have you ever second-guessed yourself? Have you ever wondered if decisions made in the past were the right ones? While I know reflecting on past decisions does no good because they cannot be changed, even so, that’s where I’ve been the past few weeks. Reflecting. Seeking. Praying. It’s very quiet in my house right now. The only sound is the whirr of the ceiling fan above me. I look out my window to see an overcast, gray sky and the grass in my backyard turned to yellow as it has gone dormant for the winter months. The temperature has dropped and leaves are falling from my dogwood tree. It, too, is preparing for its long winter’s nap. Seasons change. The grass and trees are doing exactly what God created them to do. Last Spring, new leaves and new grass emerged from their slumber to remind me that although things change, God brings renewal. Now, those same leaves and grass from last Spring have accomplished what they were created to do and are dying back in order to get ready for their reemergence next Spring, renewed, refreshed, and beautiful. It all seems so effortless. God’s beautiful and amazing creation knows exactly what to do each Spring and each Fall. No one has to tell them when to emerge from the ground or return to it. It’s just how He created them. They just do as their Creator instructs them. Oh, that life could be so effortless from a human stand-point. To just be and do as our Creator instructs us. But God did not create us with a seasonal pattern that we follow year in and year out. He created us for fellowship. He created us for relationship. He created us with a mind that can think and reason and relate. He created us with an innate desire and urgency to seek Him. But He also created us with a free will. A free will to choose His path or our own. A free will to seek a relationship with Him or pursue our own selfish desires. He created us with emotions. To feel contentment when all seems to be going well or to feel concern when someone we love is hurting or is sick. To feel love for another so deeply you can’t imagine life without it then feel pain so tangibly when forced to do so. To be grateful for all God’s blessed you with yet feel sadness for what was lost or what could’ve been. We are emotional beings. There are situations that happen to us in this world we can’t understand and bring us to our knees yet somehow we know God is in control. There are decisions made in the moment we think are the right ones and trust God with the outcome. We go about our day to day lives, doing our best to be a witness and an example of the gospel of Jesus to those we come into contact with. We do our jobs with diligence and integrity in order to bring God glory and to pay the bills. We raise our kids and set an example for them to emulate so they can then pass those same convictions on to their children to carry on a legacy of knowing Jesus and making Him known. Over the past five years, I believe I have experienced every emotion common to the human heart, at least once. Emotions ranging from being ecstatically happy and content to being the most broken and devastated I have ever been. My heart has known both incredible happiness and incredible loss. Such it is with living life on this earth. Life is not without its ups and downs; good days and bad days; good seasons and bad seasons. What makes the difference in these ever changing life situations is how I choose to look at them but also, how I choose to deal with them. It’s very easy to choose to stay down and depressed because somehow this brings comfort to my humanness. To wallow in the why’s and what-if’s of yesterday as opposed to embracing where God has placed me now. Embracing the present has been difficult, I have to admit. Because embracing the present means I must let the past go. Not forget it or the lessons I have learned from it but to store it away in my heart as a season that is gone forever, cherish the good memories, and realize God is ready for me to move on to the next one. Oh, how much easier it would be if God had written how to do this into my DNA when He created me. That the ever changing seasons of life would come as easily to me as they do to my grass and my tree. But that’s not how it works. Instead, in my humanness, I experience life as it comes, sometimes being effected and influenced by the life-choices of others, filtered through the hand of my Creator, in order for me to turn my eyes toward Him for His strength, His guidance, and His will. That is, if I choose to do it that way. Sometimes I don’t and I opt for the pity-party or the wallowing-in-the-past scenario. But I’ve learned I don’t always realize I’m wallowing until I open up and share my heart with another to help me sort through the myriad of emotions I’m feeling. I have learned that letting go is also a process; just as healing is. Earlier this month, I took my first vacation of the year. I usually head to the mountains for solitude to enjoy God’s beautiful creation, write, read my Bible, and rest. This year was different. With the cost of everything being higher these days, I decided on a stay-cation. There were stacks of boxes I’d moved from my old house that had been piled up in closets and in the garage from when I moved into my new house five years

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Thank You for the Valley

1 Comment / Comfort, Healing, Hope, Joy / /

My counselor gave me an assignment. During one of our sessions a few months ago, I was a bit down and felt as if my healing journey had taken a few steps back. I felt stuck. In order to put my healing journey into perspective, Holly asked me to go back and read previous writings then compare them to where I am now. I had never thought to do that so I did as she suggested. I was pleasantly surprised to find I have come much further than I thought. Guess that’s why she’s the professional. The past eight blog posts, with the exception of From House to Home, have been part of that assignment, as is this one. (I have a few more I’m working on as well.) My eyes have been opened, not only to the kind of man I was married to and how very abused I was, but to the growth and healing that have definitely taken place. Back then, I was such a frightened young woman, living completely in denial, trying to cover up and hide my reality, and all the while being and doing everything possible to hold onto my marriage. However, I now know and understand the reason for the valleys and why God left me in them for as long as He did. It took time to unravel the tangled web of lies and manipulation I was living under. God revealed truth to me gradually, possibly so I’d be accepting of each one as they came. God knows my heart like no other and He knows exactly what I need, exactly when I need it. Had He revealed everything at once, it may have been far too overwhelming. But as each part was brought into the Light, my faith grew stronger. I can see that now. With all that being said, the excerpt below was originally written on July 20, 2015, but I need to fill in some background details first. At the time I wrote it, my ex-husband worked for the Missile Defense Agency and was given the job to build a missile site in Japan. The project started with a parcel of land, in the middle of a rural area, completely covered with trees and was home to a hoard of wild monkeys. His job was to clear it all off then set up an Army post, complete with all the amenities needed to sustain those who would be working and living there once it was complete. He had many months of work ahead of him which meant he’d be going back and forth to Japan for a very long time. Before a project of this caliber is started, there are several short trips to the region to make plans with the locals and check out the site, etc. It was during one of these short trips, my ex-husband met the woman who would, eventually, be the catalyst for the end of our marriage. I’m convinced, he somehow finagled his way into getting the assignment just so he could continue to travel to Japan (completely at the government’s expense, I might add) to be with her. His first thirty-day trip was planned for August 2015 and I was completely devastated. I always hated to be separated from him but the start of this assignment would be the longest we’d been apart since he came home from his year deployment to Kuwait in 1998. I also believe I was still reeling from the discovery of his “emotional affair” a few months before this and didn’t trust him. (See No More Idol Excuses) I can see now, even though I had no idea what my ex was doing behind my back, God was preparing me for the end. July 20, 2015 I am in a valley. I’m sitting here reflecting over the twelve plus years of my walk through this life with Jesus. My faith and my trust have been tested too many times to count. There have been some deep valleys. Ones so deep I thought I’d never find my way out. But there have also been some wonderful mountaintop experiences, too. However, those didn’t seem to last as long. But if I were allowed to stay on the mountaintop, how would I learn anything new? How would I grow? It’s in the valley experiences and in the trials where I learn the most valuable lessons. It’s there I have to totally rely on Jesus to get me through. There was a time in my life when I would beg God to take the trial away and set me back up on the mountaintop. And you know what? He never did. Why? Because He knew I needed that valley for a specific purpose. He was teaching me even though I didn’t understand or see what He was doing. I don’t beg God to take valleys away anymore. It’s not that I enjoy walking there but it’s in those times I feel my Savior’s arms around me. It’s there He wipes away my tears. It’s there His Spirit whispers to me, “It’s going to be okay. I am here. I will never let you go.” He is so faithful. He doesn’t let go. He never leaves me. Recently, I was hurled into a valley so deep that I didn’t see any way out. I just didn’t know what to do. I was sobbing and asking God, “Why, God? Why are You taking me here? Noooooooo…” You know what God did? He let me cry and protest as loud as I wanted but then all of a sudden, I felt the most wonderful peace come over me and my sobs softened. It was as if all He said was, “Shhh…” and that was it. Did He immediately lift me out of the valley and take all the hurt away? No, He did not. In fact, I’m still in it and He is, too. Walking right beside me, holding my hand. Can we

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No More Idol Excuses

Leave a Comment / Healing, Hope, Surrender / /

He was my idol. In 1975, I was a pre-teen. Every month, I anxiously awaited for the latest issue of Tiger Beat Teen Idol magazine to hit the grocery store magazine rack. Once I held it in my hands, I couldn’t wait to get home so I could pour over its pages and all the teen idols that were photographed in it. In my day, David Cassidy, Donny Osmond and Andy Gibb were the most popular with girls on the verge of becoming teenagers. I read the magazine from cover to cover then carefully tore out the portraits and taped them on my bedroom wall. These guys were perfect in my estimation and became my crushes. However, deep down, I knew I’d never meet them, let alone any one of them ever becoming my Prince Charming. But it was nice to dream about one of them coming for me on a white horse then carry me away to a far away land to live happily ever after. He was my idol. For fifteen seasons, American Idol was a popular show on TV. People from all over the country would travel for miles to stand in line for hours to perhaps get a shot at becoming the next pop sensation. Sadly, a lot of those people went home with their dreams crushed. The chances of actually being chosen were slim and yet, there were thousands who reached for that moment of fame. The chance to be someone. The chance to be the next “American Idol”. He was my idol. The Old Testament is becoming alive to me. There was a time when I didn’t completely understand it but recently, God has been using the stories contained within its pages to teach me some valuable lessons about life. One such book is Hosea. In the first chapter of this Old Testament book, God tells His prophet, Hosea, to take for his wife a prostitute named Gomer. Although it might seem a little strange for God to tell Hosea to marry this woman of harlotry, He had a specific reason for doing so. The purpose of Hosea’s union with a prostitute was to demonstrate how God’s people were being unfaithful to Him by abandoning Him and worshipping other gods. The Northern Kingdom of Israel had turned their backs on God and were worshipping idols. Hosea warned them time and again of their impending attack and enslavement by the Assyrians if they didn’t repent, turn from their idols, and come back to Jehovah God. The chances of Gomer staying faithful to Hosea were pretty slim. She did eventually go back to her old ways, even though she and Hosea had a life together that included three children. This hurt Hosea very deeply because he loved Gomer. God told Hosea to demonstrate love and grace toward Gomer and buy her back from the man she was with. He was obedient and did as God instructed him to do. Hosea loved Gomer and gave her a second chance as God had instructed him to do. He was my idol. So, what exactly is an idol? Webster defines it this way. “A representation or symbol of an object of worship; a false god; a false conception” Simply put, an idol is anything that takes God’s place in our life. Period. Six Years, Nine Months, and Twenty-Nine Days Later The words above were originally written on November 6, 2015. It’s an excerpt from a writing named Idol Excuses posted on my previous website. For the better part of my marriage, my ex was the be all end all of my existence. It’s something I’m certainly not proud of. Not in the least. I always told myself I would never knowingly put anyone or anything before God and yet, my former spouse took precedence over everyone and everything in my life. For quite some time, I have been hard-pressed to write about this facet of my previous life. I’ve struggled greatly with the direction it needed to go and the purpose for which it would serve. It’s not an easy topic to broach. Reflecting on this particular part of the past brings with it a lot of pain, heartache, and quite honestly, it’s absolutely exhausting. However, as with every past writing, I know sharing my experience will also bring healing and restoration, not only to myself but perhaps to others as well. I always pray my experiences and subsequent lessons learned, will touch others and bring along with them hope and healing. In May of 2015, I learned my ex had been exchanging emails with some women in Japan. At first, he laughed it off and told me they were just some friends he worked with while we were stationed there. I told him he had no business emailing other women, even if they were “just friends”. He agreed with me and said he wouldn’t do it anymore but from that point on, I was always suspicious of his email activity. He had lied about many things in the past so my radar was definitely engaged. Shortly after that conversation, he became very guarded with his tablet and phone. He was definitely hiding something. I could sense it. However, I didn’t have any evidence to prove it so I started observing him a little more closely. It wasn’t long after that initial discovery, he made another trip to Japan for his employer. His trips had become more frequent and were a bit longer every time he went. Late one evening, I was sitting in bed scrolling through Facebook when I suddenly felt compelled to check his email. I had only felt this sense of urgency a few times before and I knew exactly Who it had come from. I only remembered one password for his email account, he’d given me years before, and I thought surely if he were hiding something, he’d change it. But he hadn’t. Somehow I believe that even if he had changed it, God

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The Balancing Ask

1 Comment / Healing, Hope, Surrender / /

Balance. What was the first thought that came to mind when you read that word? Did you think of a scale with equal weight on each side? Mental or emotional steadiness? Stability? A checkbook? A gymnast? Justice? When my kids were little, we enjoyed going to the circus. My favorite part was the high wire acts. To see the performers walk along that wire as if it were four feet wide absolutely astounded me. In reality, the high-wire they walk on is only half an inch wide. Their incredible balance is nothing short of amazing. I know many hours of practice have been spent perfecting such a walk and I’m sure there were just as many hours spent falling as well. I can’t help but think how rewarding it must’ve been the first time a performer stepped out on the half inch high-wire and made it to the other side. I’m sure the adrenaline rush made them feel incredible, along with a great sense of accomplishment. However, just because they make it to the other side one time doesn’t mean they stop practicing the art of balance. They must walk the wire daily to ensure they don’t lose the skill. Before my divorce, there were many times it felt as if my entire life was a balancing act. Imagine, waking up each morning, hoping and praying that “today will be different” yet knowing deep in your heart, it wouldn’t. Imagine, attempting to keep someone else happy, when the rules of the game kept changing, without being made privy to such changes. It is completely impossible and equally as exhausting. Imagine, looking forward to him coming home after work yet, dreading the mood he’d be in, all at the same time. Back in those days, daily life for me was one performance after another; one balancing act after another. It was a daily practice for me so I became quite efficient at it. Do I smile and pretend everything is okay? Do I dare ask him where he’s been and why he’s so late? Do I admit how miserable I am? I kept a lot of things to myself because, somehow I knew, once I broached the subject of what or how I was feeling, it would be the beginning of the end. My entire existence was one of denial. Sometimes, I don’t even know how I lived day to day in such an unstable environment. It was only by God’s grace. He sustained me. Now, each and every morning I wake up, I am beyond thankful for all God has done for me, what He’s blessed me with, and what He’s doing in the lives of my children and grandchildren. But along with the thanksgiving filling my heart, there is great sadness. For the past few weeks, I’ve been feeling out of sorts. Everything external is still very much the same. It’s what’s happening on the inside that’s giving me pause. I know God is at work because I feel it. I just don’t know what He’s working on. And that is okay because I trust Him completely. Perhaps it’s just more purging and healing. While I no longer feel my life is a balancing act of going through the motions or putting on a performance, there is another sort of balancing act I’ve been struggling with. When I got married and started down the path of having my own family, all I knew was “til death do us part”. My grandparents had been married for over 50 years and I know my parents would’ve achieved that milestone as well had my daddy not been called home in 2002. My family has a long history of staying married until death do you part so I had no other thought than I’d achieve that as well. When I did not, my entire life was thrown off balance. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. This is what I’m trying to balance. This is what my heart is grieving for. Not for the narcissistic, controlling man who did not love me. Not for the marriage that was doomed before it even began. But rather, for what could’ve been had he not made the life choices he did. I didn’t know I would grieve for something that never took place. How does that even work? How do you grieve over nothing? How does my past, present, and future ever find balance? In her book, Made Like Martha, Katie M. Reid shared the story of a man named Alex Tizon whose parents owned a modern-day slave, named Lola. She was never paid and was ill-treated and abused for decades. After his parents died, Lola went to live with Alex and his family. She was no longer a slave but because she had lived as one for many years, she had a difficult time making the transition to freedom in his home. Alex assured Lola over and over that she was no longer a slave but was considered one of his family. She was free to do as she wanted as a member of his household yet she continued to do all the things required of her as if she were still a slave. It’s what she knew. She reverted to those slave-like tendencies and thought as a slave because they were familiar. She was in unknown territory and struggled with adjusting to her new way of life. This story resonated within me. I could relate to Lola’s feelings because I’ve felt them myself. I was in my marriage relationship just shy of 35 years. I was controlled and manipulated from day one. Even though it was very subtle at first, after three-plus decades, it’s deeply ingrained. I struggled to balance all the things I was responsible for (ie: full-time job, the house, the laundry, the bills, etc) as well as a man who wanted me to drop everything and run to his side the moment he called, no matter what I was otherwise

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From House to Home

Leave a Comment / Encouragement, Healing, Renewal, Restoration / /

What makes a house a home? Is it the structure itself or the people who live there? Does it have a white picket fence, an immaculate landscape, and a two-car garage? Does living in a grand, affluent neighborhood factor in? Is there any difference between the two at all? I started asking myself these questions after the last session I had with my counselor. I didn’t realize it but, apparently, I mention the retirement house I built with my former spouse fairly often during our sessions together. She asked, “What is it about that house, Jennifer?”  I couldn’t answer because, at the time, I simply did not know. Then she asked another question that caught me a little off guard. She asked, “How did you feel on your last day there?” Actually, I’d never given it much thought. Since then, I have gone back through my journals and found what I’d written about my last day in that house. 1.17.2018 I moved out today. I cried but I sure didn’t expect to. I said goodbye to those two crazy dogs and I cried. I’m not a dog-person but they’ve been part of my life for so long. It seems strange to realize that I won’t ever go back there and that some other woman may actually sleep in my bed. I feel homeless and like I don’t really belong anywhere but Jesus had no place to lay His head so I count it joy to share in that with Him. Praise God for my kids to take care of me. I’m exhausted and need sleep…my body, my mind, and my soul are weary. I just need rest, Jesus. Help me find rest in You. Goodnight, my Jesus…help me rest… I have to admit, I was a bit surprised I’d written so little. You’d think after living there for nine years, it would’ve been a bit harder to leave behind. Perhaps the reality of what was actually happening hadn’t quite sunk into my head or my heart yet. Looking back now, I realize that even though we called it “our retirement home”, it was never really home to me. It was just a house. It was his house. It never really felt like mine. I tried to decorate it so it would reflect a bit of my taste but it never looked right. It always felt empty and cold. It was not inviting nor did it feel comfortable. It was just a house. When I look at pictures of it now, the word that comes to mind is excess. As you can see in the picture, it’s pretty grand. It looks much bigger than it actually is due to how high it sits off the ground. During construction, we learned there was a huge slope on the lot so it ended up being eight feet off the ground. It’s actually a ranch-style house with a bonus room over the garage. From the outside, it looks like a 5,000 square feet house but the main floor was only like 2,400. Guess looks really can be deceiving. Just like my marriage and my ex-husband. Seems fitting the house was a total deception as well. Perhaps that was part of the hold it had over me. Everything about my life back then was a deception. I looked up the definitions for both house and home. The differences are quite telling. House – a building that serves as living quarters; a building in which something is sheltered or stored. Home – a familiar or usual setting; congenial environment; relaxed and comfortable; in harmony with surroundings; a place of rest. A building in which something is sheltered or stored. Those words describe my existence in his house exactly. I was sheltered there, had a roof over my head, and was stored for his (ab)use. He wanted me in the house to wait on him hand and foot while he was actually there but when he was gone, I was stored away, like a broom in a closet or a utensil in a kitchen drawer. I existed there for his comfort and convenience only. He didn’t want a wife. He wanted a servant. This is my home now. Not grand by any stretch nor perched atop a hill for passersby to oooo and ahhh over but to me, it is my refuge from the world. This is the quiet place God surrounded me in as I healed from heartbreak. The foundation is inscribed with scripture and everything within its walls wreaks with praise to my heavenly Father. He has blessed me beyond measure and I am thankful for every brick, every nail, every baseboard, and every windowsill. There are times I look around and cannot remember exactly how I ended up here. While I very clearly remember going through the events leading up to and after the divorce, the exact details are kind of a blur. The only answer I have is God took care of everything and I moved in four months later. A few weeks ago, God gave me the answer to my counselors question of why the house on the hill still occupies so many of my thoughts. Just when I think my comfort zone has been stretched to the max, God takes it one stretch further but His timing is always perfect. It was Sunday morning and I went to church as usual. My Sunday School class was having a luncheon right after church and I am happy to say, I actually wanted to go. That, in and of itself, is a huge sign my heart is healing. I don’t usually venture too far away from my home, especially to a social event, so this was a huge step for me. Anyway, due to some unexpected events, I ended up running late for the luncheon. The church is very near my previous house and the quickest route to the restaurant was to drive down the very highway it is on. I have purposefully avoided

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The Rant and the Whisper

Leave a Comment / Comfort, Encouragement, Healing, Relationship / /

I had a pity party last week. I haven’t had one of those in a very long time and even this one was very unexpected. Everything in my life had been going well then WHAM! The summer heat is in full force here in Bama and the humidity has been stifling so I tend to stay indoors as much as possible. But, I needed a break from work so I went outside to get some fresh air and check the mailbox. There’s only one step from my porch to the sidewalk but I missed it. Somehow, I stepped off of it on the side of my foot and down I went. There was nothing to grasp to right myself and, before I knew it, I was on the ground. It took a minute for me to realize what had happened but once I did, I sat there on my sidewalk and cried for about ten minutes. Not because I was in pain, even though I was, but because I immediately felt old, needy, and very much alone. Whhhhhhyyyyyyy?? I am NOT supposed to be doing life alone. I should have someone here to help me when things like this happen. I shouldn’t be sitting here, on my sidewalk, in the middle of the afternoon, in the Alabama heat and humidity, crying because I just fell off my front porch! Why am I alone at my age, God? He promised to be with me forever. I shouldn’t be alone…yet, here I am… Has that ever happened to you? Life is going well then WHAM! You get the wind knocked out of you and everything, and I mean everything, takes thirty steps back? Somehow, I managed to pull my overweight body up off the sidewalk, hobbled back up the one small step that had just taken me down, and got back into the coolness of my home. I tried to go back to work but my mind was not focused on it as it should’ve been. All I could think about was how unfair my life was at that moment. I wanted to clock out and fall into my bed but fought through those feelings and completed my eight hours. The rest of the week was awful. I could not get out of the funk I had fallen into and did not know why. I took offense at every email and every text message from my co-workers. I just wanted to hide. When my daughter found out about my fall (of course I hadn’t told anyone about it; trying to be strong, brave, and all that), she told me I needed to go to the chiropractor to be adjusted so my body would heal properly and to ensure I hadn’t broken anything. I was fairly confident I hadn’t because I could still move my wrist and my ankle but you never know. I promised her I would and made an appointment for the next afternoon. On the way to the appointment, the Spirit very gently impressed on my heart that I was under a  Spiritual attack and I immediately knew why. This is the verbal, one-sided conversation against the enemy that ensued. Ohhhhhhh, I know what you’re doing! You’re attacking me because I drove by the house last Sunday, aren’t you? And you can’t handle the fact that the fear you had me bound up in, had been broken with one swift drive by a piece of real estate that was part of my old life! You have NO AUTHORITY over me and in the name of Jesus Christ and by the power of His blood that covers me, I send you back to the pit of hell where you belong. For “greater is He who is in me than he that is in the world.” Get back under my feet where you belong. I am “more than a conqueror in Christ Jesus” and you have no place in my life nor any authority over me whatsoever. Then I prayed… Thank You, Jesus, for Your constant presence and for showing me this past week of events has been a full-on attack from my enemy. I ask You to forgive me for my pity-party rant and to heal my body from the fall. There are times I have to remind myself I am still in the healing process. Very much so, as a matter of fact. I am human and just a sinner saved by grace so there will be those ranting moments I know, deep in my soul, do not bring my LORD glory. However, because He loves me so much, He won’t let me stay where it’s easy to stay. He whispers. He convicts. He shows me where I’m wrong and out of sorts. He asks me to trust Him. He reminds me to be thankful for my blessings instead of complaining about what I think should be.  During this time of healing and renewal, I have found a few things I thought were behind me, actually are not. A huge one being my previous house. It came up in my last counseling session and I am praying though all of it now. I’m trying to pinpoint exactly what the issue is. The Spiritual attack I’d been experiencing happened just a few days after I’d finally driven past the house I lived in for nine years with my former spouse. The enemy was mad the stronghold of fear he had me wrapped up in, was broken in just a few seconds. He liked having me there. It was one area he constantly poked me in the eye with. But, no more. Now that the chains of the stronghold have been broken, God will help me navigate through the myriad of emotions still keeping me attached to that place of residence. In the mean time, I wait on my LORD. I am so thankful for the still, small voice of my Father and how He whispers. I can be mid-rant and,

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That’s Grace

2 Comments / Encouragement, Healing, Relationship / /

How do you define grace? Some say grace before a meal. Some walk with grace. Some behave with grace. Some stay in your good graces. Some bow out with grace. Some gardens or walkways can be graced with flowers. Some faces have graced the covers of magazines. Some grace us with their presence. Some are even called Your Grace. On and on it goes. However, for me, the meaning of this word goes much deeper. My entire life and eternity are based on this one word. If it weren’t for grace, I’d be lost forever. God is stretching me again. Just when I think I’ve put something behind me, or have learned something new and have a grasp on it, He takes me deeper. And going deeper means I truly have to examine my heart and see what’s really in there. Is my flesh going to win with this one or will it be something that changes the way I look at things forever and see them the way God sees them? Is grace something you do? Is grace something you give? Is it something you are? Is it something you choose? Something you walk in? Is it for some and not for others? Does it depend on the circumstances? Is it unconditional or are strings attached? Grace is defined as unmerited favor. Unmerited: underserved; unwarranted. Favor: Approval, a special privilege or right granted. Hmmmmm. So, in a nutshell, unmerited favor is approval or a special privilege that we don’t deserve. Who even does that? Is it even possible for us to do? That’s exactly what Jesus did when He took our place on the cross. He went willingly. He, who knew NO SIN, became sin for us (2 Corinthians 5:21). Wait just a minute! He took our sin upon Himself then gives us approval that we don’t deserve? What? What incredible, unconditional love!! That’s exactly what He did and what He gives. Oh, what a Savior! Doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, does it? It surely doesn’t to me. But that’s grace! That’s unmerited favor! That’s Jesus! Since we have the Holy Spirit of God living inside us, should we not also bestow this kind of grace on someone who has hurt us? On someone who, perhaps, has broken our heart? On someone who has taken something from us? Or maybe talks about us behind our back or uses us for their own gain? We are to be Christ-like. We are to have His character. We are to have His heart. We are to love like He does. We are to forgive like He does. Is that easy? Ummm…NO!  We cannot do it on our own and in our flesh. Even though we may not understand why God allows some things to touch our lives that are heartbreaking, they are filtered through His loving hands first so they must serve some sort of purpose. We may not know what that purpose is but we must trust our Heavenly Father and know that He is allowing it for a reason. So, what do we do when hurtful situations are allowed to touch us? Do we choose to forgive that person and offer them grace or do we seethe inside and hold a grudge which only causes more damage to ourselves and damages our relationship with Jesus? Oh, and you can certainly count on the enemy to bring it back into our thoughts as much as he can. If he can get us to take our eyes off Jesus and keep us focused on the pain, he has achieved his goal. I, for one, don’t ever want to see the enemy win or get the best of me. And, yet, I allow him to do just that. I know all he is out to do is “steal, kill, and destroy” (John 10:10). Then why do I let him win sometimes? Am I weak or am I just having a weak moment? “Be of sober spirit, be on the alert, your adversary, the devil, prowls about like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” ~ 1 Peter 5:8 NASB Unfortunately, the enemy’s favorite meal is Christians on a Skewer. He hates us. He wants nothing more than to devour and destroy us. He is strong, cruel, fierce, and greedy. If he can get us to fall prey to his lies, he has essentially devoured us. So then, are we hopeless? Are we forever doomed to be in this trap with no way out and no escape? The answer to that, my dear friend, is a resounding NO! The Apostle Peter goes on to say in that same chapter in verse 10, these encouraging words. “After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.” ~ 1 Peter 5:10 NASB Even though the enemy works against us and may even use others as pawns to do his bidding and wreak havoc in our lives, the Apostle Peter reminds us of Whose we are! Do you see that precious word again? The God of all grace. Once we have suffered for a little while, “the God of all grace will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you”. What an amazing promise. Okay, so what about those of us who are caught in the cross fire of the attack? What do we do? Those who have suffered the heart break or have been the recipient of the ridicule or have been used for someone else’s gain? Well, the answer to that is we have a choice to make. We can either hold a grudge, be angry, and try our best to get back at them or we can choose the high road. God’s road. The road of forgiveness. The road of grace. The road of mercy. Even though the first choice would make us feel really good and justified for a season, we’d only

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