Healing

It Took a Picture

Leave a Comment / Healing, Hope, Revelation / /

It’s said a picture is worth a thousand words. I have found it’s worth much more than that. So. Very. Much. More. As I have been walking through this season of transition, the one thing that has eluded me is closure. I’ve desperately been searching for some way to put the past behind me and move on. Waiting for the moment when God would put a period at the end of this chapter in my story. Waiting for the moment when my heart would finally let go of the man wearing the mask. I know with all my heart that God can do anything. Nothing (no-thing) is beyond His capability. Nothing is impossible for Him. So, why doesn’t He just put the past behind me and allow my search for closure to end? Why doesn’t He put a period at the end of this chapter in my story? Why doesn’t He unlock my heart so I can finally let go of the man wearing the mask? When our hearts are hurting, often times, we think, if God really loved us, He would’ve never allowed it to happen in the first place. Have you ever prayed for what you wanted then waited for God to bless your agenda? I confess, I have. Especially in the beginning. Never in a million years would I have thought that grief causes physical pain. There were so many times I cried out to Jesus to make the pain stop and now, I know why He didn’t and I’m thankful. God loved me enough to allow the pain He knew would be temporary, to rescue me. Even though I didn’t understand what He was doing or even why, I trusted Him. He wants us to trust He is there even when we can’t feel His presence. Even when it feels like He’s not listening. Even when He doesn’t answer as quickly as we think He should. I truly believe this is the most important aspect to whatever season or transition you’re in. God wants us to grasp onto and purpose in our heart to trust Him and never, ever, ever let go. As I sit here, in the quietness of this moment, my thoughts go back to where this season started and how God has brought me to where I am today. It’s all so clear now. So very, very clear. It wasn’t until after the divorce I was made privy to the real man I was married to. He had said he was tired of “pretending” but, at the time he said it, I assumed he meant he was tired of the pretense of living two separate lives. I couldn’t have been more wrong. He was tired of pretending to be the man he let me see. He was tired of pretending to be the Godly man I thought I married. He was tired of pretending he loved me. He was tired of wearing a mask. I’m not a psychologist by any stretch but I do know that to protect an already broken heart or to protect a mind that cannot comprehend what is taking place, we build a protective barrier or a wall, if you will, between our minds and the truth. A defense mechanism. Whether it’s living in denial or rationalizing the situation to our benefit, this wall blocks out truth so we can tell ourselves what we believe to be reality. It’s what I did. I could not wrap my mind around the fact that the man I absolutely loved and adored DID.NOT.LOVE.ME. I could not allow my heart to believe the man who, at one time, preached about Jesus with such passion, was an imposter. I could not allow my heart to believe that he had chosen another. It was more than I could bear. When unexpected grief touches your life, it’s as if your mind goes into overdrive. It’s a struggle to understand what is happening while trying to maintain some sort of normalcy. In an instant, your heart is shattered into a million pieces and while you’re trying to regain some composure, your mind starts setting up defense mechanisms to protect you from what is happening. The very thing you thought would never happen. For months, I have lived in denial about her. The girlfriend. I had seen pictures of her, knew he’d turned his back on everything we had to be with her, and I knew he quit his job and moved to her country to live with her. But even knowing all of that, my mind blocked out the fact that he was with her. My mind could not, would not, accept they were a couple. After all, he was mine for 35 years. Why did he have the right to walk away? Why did he have the right to choose someone else? He’d made a vow; a covenant with me. Why did this happen? Why did he get to be happy and I was miserable? Why didn’t God heal my marriage? Why didn’t God see how much I loved him and needed him in my life? Why didn’t God restore him to his former passionate, preaching self? Why didn’t God stop him from agreeing to the divorce? Why didn’t God answer my prayers the way I needed Him to? Wanted Him to? Why didn’t He relieve the pain that tortured me day and night? I prayed. I cried. I begged. I pleaded. I questioned. God remained silent. I know with all my heart that God can do anything. Nothing is beyond His capability. Nothing is impossible for Him. So, since He can, why didn’t He? A few weeks ago, I learned the answers to the myriad of questions that would not let my mind rest. God revealed something I did not expect. It was so simple. So easy and yet so overwhelming. In my human frailty, my finite mind always tries to put God in a box. Then just when I think I understand His

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When Your Dream Dies

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Have you ever felt stuck? Stuck between what was and what is yet to be? Have you ever had more questions than what are answered? Have you ever had more doubt than trust? More struggles than victories? More loss than gain? Have you ever felt for every step forward, you took three steps back? Have you ever felt healed in some areas yet still grieve in others? While I know I am exactly where God wants me to be, it doesn’t mean the questions don’t come…it doesn’t mean I don’t get discouraged from time to time…and, I’m very thankful, it doesn’t mean He he’s left me to handle all of this on my own. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. God knew, before the beginning of time, I would be exactly where I am. Right at this moment. …feeling stuck… …in the middle… …with all these questions… …with all these doubts… …with all these struggles… …and, at times, feeling loss instead of gain… Is it what God wanted? Perhaps not…yet, it happened. Did He allow it? Yes, I believe He did, with all my heart. Nothing touches my life that isn’t filtered through His hand first. So, this is where I am. This is where I’m stuck. This is where I reside, at least, for the moment. What do you do when the dream you once imagined dies? What do you do when you were absolutely sure you chose the right person to vow your life to, only to be proven wrong in a matter of minutes? What do you do when God reveals the man behind the mask? What do you do when you feel your entire relationship was a lie? What do you do when memories take you back to the person he let you see and not the person he truly is? What do you do when you learn he didn’t love you and only married you to bear his children? What do you do when you can’t wrap your mind around how you were deceived for years? What do you do with regrets that cloud your thoughts and rob you of sleep? What do you do when you can’t remember life before you were his? What do you do when you feel you had no other choice but to put him before all else in your life? Before God? Before your kids? Before your family? Before your friends? What do you do when you feel you have to pick a fight just to get him to notice you? What do you do when you love so deeply yet he turns his back and runs to another? What do you do? Where do you go? My favorite person in the Old Testament is David. David, the young shepherd boy who was anointed to be the King of Israel before he was even big enough to hold up a crown. David, the young shepherd boy who killed a bear and a lion with his bare hands. David, the young shepherd boy who faced a giant and killed him with one stone hurled from the end of his slingshot. Now, you may be thinking that David must have had some kind of super power to be able to accomplish these amazing things. He didn’t. David was human…just like us. He had parents and seven older brothers so I’m quite sure he was picked on throughout his childhood from time to time. I’m sure he fussed and fought with his siblings on more than one occasion. He slept, he ate, he went to school, and he even had a job looking after the sheep. David was a normal guy who just happened to be chosen to rule over God’s people. He was just like us. He had victories and defeats. He made good decisions but also made some bad ones. Just like us. He laughed, he cried, he sang, he yelled, he prayed, he worried, he planned, he plotted, he dreamed, he despaired. Just like us. But there is something deeper about David that makes him special and absolutely endears him to me. David was “a man after God’s own heart”. (1 Samuel 13:14) It was the intent of his heart to live in such a way that honored God. Not a super power. It was just a choice. David was real. David was raw. David knew what to do and where to go, no matter how or what he was feeling. There are 150 psalms recorded in the Bible and David is responsible for writing 75 of them. I am so thankful that his psalms (journal entries, if you will) were included in God’s Word. Here, we are privy to his private emotions. Here, we are privy to the words that overflowed from his heart to God. Whether happy or hurting. Rejoicing or lamenting. “Hear my cry, O God; Listen to my prayer. From the end of the earth I call to You, when my heart is overwhelmed and weak; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I [a rock that is too high to reach without Your help]. For You have been a shelter and a refuge for me; A strong tower against the enemy. Let me dwell in Your tent forever; Let me take refuge in the shelter of Your wings.”  ~ Psalms 61:1-4 (AMP) David knew Who to take his heart-cries to. He called out to his Refuge; his Shelter. He asked God to lift him above the fray going on in his life because he couldn’t do it on his own. David needed God to lift him up. Just like us. When I am overwhelmed with life and have soul-searching, yet heart-wrenching, questions, I, like David, run to my Refuge; I run to my Shelter; I run to the Rock that is higher than I. God is the only One who can lift me above the fray to allow me to see things from His perspective. While I may not understand everything He is

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Modern Day Manna

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I am in training. When I started my job, my employer sent me for a week of training at our operations center. A few weeks before, I received several emails with instructions on where to book my hotel, directions on how to get there, items I needed to take with me, and the most important one, how to submit an expense report when I returned to be reimbursed for what I had paid out of my own pocket. I did all they told me to do without once worrying about how much my credit card was going up because they said I would be reimbursed. I believed them. I trusted them to keep their word to me as their employee. The company took care of my needs for the week because they wanted to ensure I concentrated on the training that was critical for being successful at the job they’d hired me to do. As I continue to walk through this current season of my life, I am learning more and more every day, God has placed me in training. He is training me to trust Him more. He is training me to be content. He promised in His precious word that He has “a plan to prosper me and not to fail; to give me a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11). Over the past few weeks, God has shown me that while I’ve been looking forward to all He has planned for me in the years ahead, I haven’t been paying attention to the smaller things He wants to teach me along the way. My focus has been too broad. I have been fixated on the future…thinking I’d just wake up one day and all that He promised would have happened overnight. Somehow there would be a deposit into my checking account, from an unknown source, to pay all of my debt in full or my manager would come to me at work and tell me I was receiving a bonus for a job well done. I thought He would snap His fingers, my debt would be paid in full, and all my worries would be left behind me in one fell swoop! The problem with that last sentence? The first two words…I thought… “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,” declares the Lord. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.” ~Isaiah 55:8-9 I believe, with all my heart, God could have chosen to orchestrate the events of my life to accomplish the exact scenario above. But what would I have learned? Yes, it certainly would have reaffirmed to my heart that He is my Provision and only He could have done it but it wouldn’t teach me (or train me) to live within the provision He’s already given me, would it? If He just miraculously erased all my debt, why would I need to trust Him day to day? I would be debt free but knowing me as He does, it wouldn’t be long before I’d be back in the same hole then we’d be right back where we started. Truth be told, I have been here, in this hole, more than once in my life and it’s time to learn to trust Him for my needs and not American Express. If you read my last post, Details, Details, Details, I wrote my ex has stopped paying alimony. Had I not been so angry and taken it to God right when it happened, He would have shown me that it was He who allowed it and was just part of His overall plan. Instead, I spent money on an attorney who basically told me to wait until he owed me a huge debt then “go after him”.  Those words didn’t set well with me. When she said it, I realized I had allowed my pain and anger to control my actions.  I didn’t want to “go after him” and realized that God didn’t want me to either.  I felt very convicted as I returned to my car after that meeting. I was out $150 and had accomplished nothing. As I sat there, He whispered to me, as He so often does, when He can get me quiet enough to listen, that He wants to be my provision. He wants to take care of me. He removed my ex from my life for a purpose and He didn’t want me relying on him or his money. Pursuing him later for a huge debt would only prove to stir up anger and resentment within my heart and line my attorney’s pocket with a grand sum. How does that bring honor and glory to God? I wiped my tears with resolve in my heart that I had nothing to fear. When the children of Israel were delivered after 430 years of slavery in Egypt, they took provisions with them that would sustain them for a period of time. God had already brought them through the Red Sea and they were living in the wilderness. When the provisions they’d brought with them ran out, the people grumbled against Moses and said they would’ve been better off had they stayed in Egypt because, at least, they had food everyday. They had been delivered from slavery just long enough to forget what was bad about being enslaved and only remembered what they were missing. Seems they’d already forgotten they were forced to make bricks without straw, not to mention the whips they encountered from time to time. (Exodus 16) I have heard this story hundreds of times in my life and have wondered every time how the children of Israel could have had such a selective memory. How they could only focus on what they were missing and not how badly they were treated. How every day they cried out to God for deliverance and yet when He did just that, all they wanted to

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Details, Details, Details

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Have you ever had your car detailed? I have only had it done once, a very long time ago, but I was surprised at how everything that was chrome glistened and there didn’t seem to be a speck of dust anywhere. The only thing I noticed that was missing was the new car smell! (Why can’t they put that in the details?) I wanted it to stay that way forever but alas, it did not because you know, life happens! Before too much time had passed, my car was, once again, back to the way it had been before. Just as the person who worked on my car ensured that he didn’t leave one detail from missing the end of his cleaning instrument, God is that way with you and me. He wants to ensure He doesn’t leave one detail out so He can lead us on to our purpose but, alas, we tend to go back to wanting to be in control of our own lives…and before too much time has passed, we go back to the way we had been before. I do it all the time…and this past week was no exception. God is in the details. There is a tradition at some churches to  choose a word for the year to act as a theme for what you want to focus on in the new year.  For 2018, the year immediately following my divorce, I chose the word forward. It was truly the desire of my heart to move forward and leave all the pain and grief behind me. I was absolutely amazed at how God used that word to lead me into my new normal. I saw and heard that word everywhere! My daughter even made this picture for me to hang in my new house as a reminder of God’s provision and faithfulness. He constantly reminded me that He was leading me forward and had a specific and detailed plan for my life. 2018 was definitely the hardest year of my life, thus far, yet even in the times I felt like I’d taken a few steps back due to pain or grief, there was an Unseen Hand leading me forward. God is in the details. The word I chose for 2019 is Content. I made the choice to be content with all God has provided and to live within my means. I accumulated a lot of debt in the year following my divorce and, I will admit, some was of my own making. Retail therapy is not a wise choice when you’re grieving but it’s what I turned to, trying to relieve the agony I was feeling. (Side note: it. did. not. work. I was still in pain and had accumulated a bunch of stuff that, while it made my new home and yard look beautiful, I was left with credit card bills to pay.) The rest of it came as a result of my son’s college expenses (student loans), medical expenses, dental expenses, and, unfortunately, a huge tax bill. Unexpected things that you can’t really prepare for. Things that come up as you live life. In March of this year, I received word (through my kids) that their dad had lost his job. Up to this point, he had been paying alimony as part of our divorce settlement. Even though I had grown to depend on that income, my instincts kept telling me that it wouldn’t last long. Deep in my heart, I knew he would find some way to stop supporting me. I don’t know if it was the Holy Spirit forewarning me about it or if I just know my ex that well…perhaps it was a little of both. Once the alimony stopped, I actually felt peace. Yes…you read that word correctly. I experienced unexplainable peace. It was one of those “God things” that doesn’t quite make sense to our finite minds yet was very tangible. I was actually relieved. I no longer had anything keeping me tied to him. That, in and of itself, was freeing! Since that time, God has been showing me what it means to live day to day being content with Him being my Provision. He absolutely knows the debt I have. He absolutely knows whether or not my ex “lost his job” or if he just found another way to hurt me. It didn’t take long for the enemy to start messing with my peace. He cannot read our minds but he’s very observant and hears the words we speak aloud. After a few months of struggling with the debt load, I started listening to the enemy. As a result, I became angry that my ex seemed to be “winning”. So, I took matters into my own hands. I did not pray about it. I did not ask God what I should do. I just wanted my way. I wanted answers and I wanted them now. (Just being real and raw here.) I contacted my attorney to see if anything could be done about him not supporting me in some monetary way, since he signed a legally binding document. But, ya know what? I hit road blocks at every turn. In my anger and frustration, I cried out to God about all the injustices my ex was inflicting on me. Why, God? It isn’t fair that he’s getting everything he wanted! He just cast me aside and walked away so he could have his new life with his girlfriend! Why should he be allowed to get by with not supporting me with whatever income he has? I supported him for years and what thanks do I get? I was angry and I wanted God to know it. In my heart, I already knew He knew it but I am grateful He loves me so much that He allowed me to vent. He allowed me to whine. He allowed me to be angry and frustrated. After He patiently waited for me finish my temper-tantrum, and

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Strong Foundation

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Last week was a struggle. The days passed by slowly and it seemed as if everything I put my hand on was either messed up or didn’t go as I had planned. I was happy when 5pm on Friday rolled around because it meant I could go home and hide for 3 days. And hide I have. This little house God has blessed me with is my sanctuary from the world. It is my quiet place from all the chaos beyond it’s walls. I was able to watch it’s construction from the ground up. It was exciting to visit my lot every night after work and see the progress of it all coming together. One such evening, as I pulled up in front, I saw that the foundation had been poured. The sun was going down but I had just enough daylight left to do what I had been planning. I grabbed a black sharpie from my purse and walked to the concrete slab that would be the strength for the walls to come. I started at one of the corners in the back. I knelt down and began writing scripture on the foundation of my new home. I had planned on only writing on the 4 corners but the more I wrote, the more scripture came to mind and I knew it had to be written. After I finished writing the scripture, I prayer walked all around the edges then to the middle where the next seasons of my life would happen. At this time, my divorce had only been final for 15 days and I had no idea what the future held for me. I was venturing out on my own…just me and Jesus. But, you know what? Knowing He was my Guide and He promised to never leave me, I had no fear. I’ve been living in my home for almost 2 years now and every once in awhile, the Spirit reminds me of the scripture written on it’s foundation. My home was built on God’s word. Just as my life should be. I am reminded of a parable Jesus taught in Matthew 7. “Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.” ~ Matthew 7:24-27 ESV There have been times when my faith has faced the rains falling and the floods coming, with fierce winds beating down, as it was this past week. But even in those times, I know Who my Rock is. I know Who I have built my foundation on. I know Who my trust is in. I may have been tossed around a bit but I know the One who upholds me and I will not be down for long nor will I be swept away. I rest in and rely on God’s word to get me through the times when the enemy tries to get me to give up and give in. The fact that the enemy is messing with me in the first place is all the evidence I need to prove that I am on the right path and he doesn’t like it one bit. He knows that I trust Jesus with everything in my life…no matter what it is I’m going through. Jesus is my Strength and the Foundation of my life and anything the enemy can do to shake it, he will. Just as my home has God’s word written on its foundation, His precious word is written on the foundation of my heart. There have been so many times when I have been in the midst of a struggle or a memory from the past has triggered grief and I will hear the still, small voice of my Savior…whispering His word into my soul. He constantly reminds me that I am His and He is mine. He sees from the beginning to the end. He is in the details. No matter if it’s my checkbook that’s in the red or if I’m just having a sad day…He is there with me, right in the middle of everything I face. What about you? What is the foundation of your life built on? Money? Success? Your spouse? Your job?                                                               Your gift? I can promise you, all of those things will fail. I have put my faith in every single one of these and every single one, failed me. Every. Single. One. And, yes, I collapsed. Everything I’d ever known was swept away. I wanted to give up. I wanted to run and hide. Jesus knew that I had placed my trust and hope in these perishable things and He knew they’d fail me. He also knew I wanted to give up and run to hide. But it didn’t matter how far I tried to run, I ran into Jesus every single time. That’s how He is. Once you give Him your life, He doesn’t let you go! Oh, how thankful I am for that! For who is God, but the Lord?     And who is a rock, except our God? ~ Psalm 18:31 NASB Even the Psalmist knew the only foundation to build our lives on is Jesus! I know, with everything I am and as sure as I’m sitting here, I would not have made it through the trauma and grief of

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Whose I Am

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I’m in a battle…for my mind. This past week has been a very difficult one. Although it was not visible on the outside, there was a battle raging within me. On the outside, I looked like I was doing okay but my mind was at odds. On one side, stood the things I know to be true about God and His promises. On the other, the lies and deception of the enemy. Six months ago, I took a break from Facebook. It had taken over my life. I was more concerned about who was doing what with who and for how long than I was about reading God’s word, listening to praise and worship music, or even caring for the home that God has blessed me with. It had become too much. So, I asked my kids to change my password and not tell me what they changed it to. At first, it was a little hard for me but as the days without it passed, I noticed how much more peaceful my life had become. I didn’t even miss it. (I want to say right here and now that I’m not against Facebook or saying it’s a bad thing. We have a page for this ministry and it’s an awesome way to communicate with friends and family. It had just become too overwhelming for me and my personal walk with Jesus. I felt I needed to take a step back and reevaluate my priorities.) When this ministry was launched last month, I knew I would have to be back on Facebook to share content from the website. At first, it was going well and I thought I could handle it. That was my first mistake…I thought. Little did I know, it was a set up. A set up by the enemy to get me to go back to my old habits. The enemy will use anything he can to take our eyes off God and His purpose for our lives. Even if it only works for a little while. He knew the reason for me being back on Facebook was for the ministry but he also knows my habits. He knew that once I logged back on, it was only a matter of time, before I’d, once again, be searching and obsessing over things I could do nothing about. Ohhhh, the enemy is subtle. Even though I think I know his tactics and how he works, I fell. I was back in the pit! Even though I had been posting scripture and blog posts on the ministry page, I was on my personal page as well, back to obsessing over people and situations that are completely beyond my control. The enemy did not make me fall back into the pit…it was 100% my choice. All he did was present the opportunity then waited for me to act. Because that’s what he does. He sets the trap then waits for his prey. God’s word warns us about this in 1 Peter 5:8… “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” ~ 1 Peter 5:8 ESV The sleepless nights had returned and, consequently, tossing and turning as well.  One particular night, as I was desperately waiting for sleep to find me, the Holy Spirit impressed on me to get my journal and write. As I got up to get my journal, I had no idea what to write about. I guess I could’ve started with I’m having a hard time sleeping tonight but God had a different word He wanted me to write down. This is what I heard Him speak into my heart. I will redeem what the enemy has stolen from you. So, I started out with those ten words. I was sure the Spirit was going to convict me over the Facebook fiasco but He didn’t. He just spoke His word into my heart. Fifteen pages later, I had written down everything God had reminded me of…of who I am…of Whose I am! God knew I was going to fall back into that pit. He knows my habits, too; just as the enemy does. But God has power over the enemy and what the enemy cannot do is read my thoughts. God knows my thoughts. He knows the intent of my heart. He knows that being back in that pit was not where I wanted to be. And instead of chastising me for my failure, He reminded me of Whose I am and Who He is! By reminding me that He is the Great I Am and I am His child, (which sets me free from the yoke of slavery the enemy wants me tangled up in) God reached down into my room that night, took me by the hand, and pulled me up out of the pit that was about to envelope me. It wasn’t dramatic. I didn’t hear anything except the still small voice of my Savior, speaking words of affirmation into my heart. Then He told me to lie down and go to sleep. And that, I did. It was the first time in a week I had laid down and drifted peacefully into rest. God knows what has broken my heart. God knows the events that have turned my life upside down. God knows that I’ve had no closure on a few things that were left undone. When I keep my mind focused on Him, peace remains. But when I allow the enemy to distract me, even for just a little while, the event that broke my heart and turned my world upside down, becomes more than I can handle. The enemy will use any means possible to stop the purpose of God in this world and His plans for my life. This time, he used Facebook as the catalyst against me. Facebook has a search engine that allows me to see things that cause excruciating pain. Both things I cannot change nor

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Shattered Surrender

Leave a Comment / Healing / /

“He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; To comfort all who mourn; To give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.” Isaiah 61:1b; 2b-3a ESV I met him at church. He was my pastor’s son, home on leave from the Army, and was in my Sunday School class. He was very handsome and it was hard for me to take my eyes off him. Actually, it was hard for any of us to keep our eyes off him since he was talking non-stop about himself and the Army. I thought he was arrogant and loud, but he had a charisma that I was attracted to. After Sunday school, his dad met me at the bottom of the stairs. “Have you met my Lieutenant son yet?” he asked me, with a lot of enthusiasm. I told him yes, but I was curious as to why he seemed so happy about it. I went into the sanctuary, sat down with my brother-in-law, and waited for the service to start. The “Lieutenant” came in and sat beside the pastor’s wife, which made sense since it was his mom. At different times throughout the service, I caught him staring at me. I was a little uncomfortable but wondered how this worldly military man could be interested in me, a poor little church mouse from the country. When the service was over, I met my family in the parking lot to go home. The Lieutenant walked right up to me and asked if he could speak privately with me for a minute. I agreed and followed him back into the church. He leaned up against the back of one of the pews and he said, “My name is BJ. I am 28 years old and I’m not into playing games. If you’d like to get to know me better, the next time I’m home on leave, maybe we could go out together. Can I have your address and your phone number?” I stood there and stared at him, unable to speak, and barely able to breathe. My heart pounded so hard, I was sure he could’ve heard it. He was the most handsome man I had ever seen, with piercing hazel-green eyes. I was mesmerized. When I finally found my voice, I gave him my address and phone number. He called from time to time and I also received a few handwritten letters. However, I found it odd that whenever we talked, he’d ask how much weight I’d lost. At a size 6, I certainly didn’t consider myself overweight by any means but I guess he did. At that, I went on a diet so the next time he called, I’d be ready with an answer. I did lose weight before I saw him again. I ate nothing but popcorn and drank only diet Pepsi for 2 months. I lost ten pounds. He came home for ten days at Christmas that year in 1982. We dated the entire time he was home. In fact, I stayed at his parent’s home, as mine was many miles into the country. At the end of those ten days, on a Sunday afternoon, he flew back to Fort Hood, Texas where he was stationed. I was devastated. I’d never been in love before but, if this is what it felt like, I didn’t ever want it to end! Never had I felt so cherished in all my life. No one had ever paid attention to or treated me the way he did. Before he went to the airport, he told me he had left something for me on my bed. It was his military photo, and written on the back were these words: “Always remember that I care and love you. I’ll return real soon for you. BJ” That was when tears found the edge of my eyes. I couldn’t hold them back any longer. I laid down on the bed and cried myself to sleep. Three days later, he called me and asked me to marry him. Of course I said yes and the wedding plans commenced. I married my handsome, young Army officer in April of 1983. I vowed to follow him for as long as I lived. No matter where life took us, I was marked for life as his. Not only did I wear his ring, he was inscribed on my heart through a covenant. I knew we would get through anything life threw at us because we had each other and, more importantly, we had Jesus. Two days after the wedding, we set off on our honeymoon. We drove across the country from the state of Washington to Fort Hood, Texas and started our life together. At first, I was excited about my new way of life. I was happy to be his wife and just wanted to take care of him. At 19, I had fun as I set up our little, one bedroom apartment and cooked the few recipes I had learned in my mom’s kitchen. The distance between Texas and my former home, in the countryside hills of Oregon, didn’t seem so far as long as I stayed busy. But it didn’t take long before the reality of military life hit me. It certainly was not like any movies I’d ever seen, nor was it like the TV shows M*A*S*H or Army Wives. Not. Even. Close. The nature of his job kept him at work 12 to 14 hours a day. I was not used to being alone so much. I missed my family and my best friend terribly. I’m sure the letters I wrote during those lonely times sounded like I was miserable but I wasn’t as long as he was home. But when he was gone, the days would drag. He suggested I find a gym to join

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Downpour

Leave a Comment / Encouragement, Healing, Hope, Revelation / /

Have you ever been awakened in the middle of the night to the sound of a heavy rain? It happened to me a few nights ago. No thunder. No lightning. Just the soothing sound of a steady downpour of rain on the roof above me. I have always loved the sound of rain. Even as a child, it had a calming effect on me. Everything always smells so good after a heavy rain. Calm. Refreshed. Renewed. Over the past few weeks, I have started to notice that I’m feeling calm, refreshed, and renewed. Something I haven’t felt for a very long time. And it all started with some birds. I was having a restless Sunday afternoon. It had rained the night before so it was quite overcast, which seemed to match my mood perfectly. I had been working on my taxes and, due to recent life events, found myself owing much more than I had expected. I knew my budget wouldn’t accommodate such a number so I tried to turn my thoughts toward happier things. I listened to the same sermon three times. I prayed. I sang. I wrote in my journal. All my efforts to find relief for my restless heart were having no effect on how I felt whatsoever. So I decided that perhaps another cup of coffee might help to distract my mind a bit. It certainly couldn’t hurt so I made my way to the kitchen and the coffee pot. With the delicious aroma of freshly brewed coffee in the air and a steaming cup in my hand, I walked back towards the couch and was stopped mid-step at the sight in my back yard. There were birds everywhere! It was perfectly normal for one or two to be hopping across the grass in search of its next meal but this was something completely out of the ordinary. This was different. There have never been that many at one time. I knew there was something very special about these birds and was intrigued by how I felt drawn to them. I sat down on the couch very carefully so as not to disturb them. As I sat there watching them, I noticed they didn’t seem to be nervous about my presence nor did they seem to be in a hurry. They were just present, in that moment. Turning their tiny heads to listen for the provision that was crawling through the dirt just below them. They weren’t anxious or restless. They were in the place their Maker had led them. They trusted Him to provide for their need. They were content and present in their place. So they pecked the ground He’d led them to and received their provision. I was mesmerized by their presence. My eyes went from one to another then one fairly close to the window caught my eye. As I watched him, he seemed to be coming towards me. He hopped a few inches then stopped and looked at me. He came a few inches closer and, once again, looked right at me. I believe time had stopped in that instant and I was literally being shown what it means to “be still and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10). I was completely caught up in that moment. He stayed in this position with his gaze fixed on mine. He didn’t seem to be concerned about what the others were doing. It was as if he were the one chosen to personally come to me on this mission from his Creator, to ensure that I knew why they were congregated all over my backyard. The phrase that kept coming to mind was, “you know”. After what seemed like minutes, but I am sure it was only a few seconds, he hopped on and went about his task. It was then I realized what had just taken place. My amazing and loving heavenly Father had sent those beautiful Robins to my backyard to receive their provision and, in the process, show me that He was, He is, and He always will be my Provision as well! A promise Jesus made thousands of years before had just come to life in my backyard!! To say that I was overcome would be an understatement! I sat there, on my little couch, in my little house, in my little town in Alabama, absolutely in awe over how much God relentlessly pursues me! He cared about my restless heart so much that He sent those beautiful Robin’s to remind me of what I already know. He alone is my Peace. He alone is my Strength. He alone is my Refuge. He alone is my Provision! After regaining my composure, I turned my attention, once again, to the backyard. The birds had departed sometime during my praise moment with Jesus and yet, their impact remains. I have thought about them every single day since. God is showing me that even in a season of loss and drastic change, He.does.not.change. He is showing me that He is constantly pouring into my life. He is teaching me to be still and to know what I already know. I have been living in the pain of my past. So much so, I have been missing what is right in front of me. While I am genuinely grateful for this amazing place God has led me to, my outward actions haven’t quite reflected the posture and true desire of my heart. The struggle within me has been to acknowledge the end of my thirty-five-year marriage would somehow erase all of those years from having any meaning whatsoever. That admitting it was over and in my past would cause everything I’ve been through to be for naught. However, realizing those were lies from the enemy to keep me stuck in the pain, I knew I had a choice to make. I could stay right where I was, reliving all that I’ve been through, or I could give my past to Jesus

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Just Be

Leave a Comment / Healing, Hope / /

Do you ever find yourself running scenarios through your head for a solution to an issue you’re dealing with, all the while thinking that they MUST be coming from the Spirit because, after all, the ideas sound like they’d work. Right? Do you ever know deep down, the ideas are coming from your own hopes and dreams and aren’t part of God’s plan for you at this moment? If ever? Do you ever secretly hope that God will somehow take your advice and that your ideas and His plan will end up being one-and-the-same? Maybe? Do you ever make an agenda for your life then ask God to bless it, like I do? This is where I have been. Inside my own head. Wishing and hoping for things that no longer exist and will never be again. Why do I do that? Why do we do that? Is it because we like being used, abused, and manipulated for someone else’s own gain? OR Is it because the pain of our new normal is too much to bear and it was easier to live in denial and dysfunction because it was comfortable? After struggling with these, and several other questions, for the past few weeks, I was finally able to quiet my own thinking enough to hear God speaking to my heart. And, by the way, God is speaking all the time…my problem is I’m too busy talking AT Him and telling Him MY agenda that it drowns out His still small voice. When the myriad of thoughts stopped captivating my mind, I heard Him speak to me. Just be because I Am. Just BE because I AM. Five simple words that changed the entire course of my thought process… Just be still. Just be held. Just be ready. Just be willing. Just be surrendered. Just be prayerful. Just be present. Just be comforted. I Am…your Hiding Place… I Am…your Provision… I Am…your Sustainer… I Am…your Confidant… I Am…your Refuge… I Am…your Best Friend… I Am…your Peace… I Am…your Future… I Am…your Helper… I Am…your Healer… Just be because I Am. This way of thinking has completely changed the way I see this new season in my life. It’s been almost a year now since God snatched me away from life as I knew it and started me on this journey of singleness with Him. It hasn’t been an easy road nor has it been without a lot of tears and pain. However, it has been the most blessed time I’ve experienced since giving my heart and my life to Him. Although I do not understand entirely what is happening during this season, nor WHY it is happening, I do know that God orchestrated it especially for me. He knows me better than I know me. He knows I am “MORE than a conqueror through Him” (Romans 8:37). He knows that “all things work together for good for those who are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28). And, since He chose this season for me to walk through, I will not run from it. I will not ask Him to take it away and I will not take shortcuts. I will walk through this season WITH HIM. Even the times He has to carry me for a little while because “when I am weak, He makes me strong” (2 Corinthians 12:10). Just be because I Am. I will BE present in this pain. I will BE strengthened in this pain. I will BE held in this pain. I will BE comforted in this pain. And I will BE healed from this pain. Not my plans. Not my agenda. Not my ideas. Not my hopes and dreams. Not my myriad of “great” scenarios. I want His plans. I want His agenda. I want His great scenarios for my future. I want whatever He wants for me. Because I am His. Because I am chosen. Just BE. Because I Am. All you need.

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